When I Go Down

Title – When I Go Down
Rating – PG
Genre – AU, Romance, Angst
Word Count – 1,536 (excluding Lyrics)
Disclaimer – Don’t own a thing… I’m broke.
A/N – This is a one parter… alrighty? Okies, so If you know my feelings on asking for PMs to one parters we should get along just fine :P . Other than that I think that’s it. Hope you like it!
Oh, and Thank you to my awesome beta – Katy


When I Go Down


He watched as she dressed, a smile gracing both of their faces. Sydney’s hair falling in her face masking her eyes from Michael’s view every so often, but he knew she was going to be alright.

“We can make this work, we both got excepted at UCLA,” he said quietly.

“I know.” Her statement was short, bitterly abrupt.

Michael noticed as her expression changed. The soft brown eyes he loved so much turning dark, with some emotion unbeknown to him that was overflowing. “What are you going to tell your parents?” He questioned, deciding to change the subject, while getting out of bed and slipping a pair of boxers on.

“I don’t know yet, I’ll figure it out when I get there.” She smiled at him and walked to the bedroom door. Her actions halted as she gripped the doorknob but wasn’t capable of opening it. “I’ll see you later?”

“Of course.” Michael approached her, placing both hands on her hips. “I love you Syd.”

“I love you too,” Sydney whispered, her voice barely there.

With one last parting kiss, he watched her walk out the door.


I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless



Over the next few weeks the couple had planned their future out. Elaborate pictures painted in each person’s mind of what their life together would hold. The images painted with pretty lies, and broken dreams however, and concealed from one another like a secret falling to the back of their minds.

They were both to attend The University of California in the fall. Starting a new chapter of their lives with the other standing strong by their side. Neither of them wanted to be there, but when you have something you love you’ll do anything to not let it go.

It was late June when Michael was supposed to pick Sydney up to spend the day at the boardwalk. Everything had gone to plan from the day they met. Always organized, always predictable.

“Hello Mrs. Bristow,” he greeted her with a smile.

“Michael… it’s good to see you.” Laura smiled at him, but it wasn’t the one he usually received. “Sydney isn’t here right now.”

“Oh, well, I can wait. We were supposed to spend the day together,” Michael told her, shifting his weight back and forth on his feet.

“I know, Dear. Sydney left for school. She wanted me to give this to you.” He watched her back as she disappeared into the foyer of the old house, staring at the woman in disbelief.

“I’m sorry Michael.” Sending the boy one last look of sympathy Laura shut the door, leaving him standing on the porch with envelope in hand.


I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works



He knew she wasn’t coming back. Michael didn’t even need to read the letter to figure that out. She had always told him that sometimes you had to dive into things head first, unaware of what they held in store for you. Michael knew she’d jumped, he just hoped that she wasn’t afraid of the heights from which she just threw herself.

The envelope sat untouched for over two days, giving his heart time to heal before breaking it to pieces. It was two o’clock in the morning before he finally got the courage to read her parting words. The lack of sleep weighing heavy on him, a few tears slid down his cheeks when her voice filled his head.

I’m sorry. I don’t really know what else to tell you. I loved you, I did. There was a day that I loved you so much I didn’t know what to do. I don’t remember when that day was though. We’re growing up, Michael. We aren’t who we were three years ago. We wouldn’t, couldn’t, won’t, work for what fate has planned for me. When I look ahead, I don’t see you there anymore.
Don’t wait for me, I’m not coming back.


Michael wiped his eyes, standing off the bed and putting the letter in the garbage can on the other side of the room. Another chapter of his life had been finished. He could thank Sydney for that. She was giving him a real shot at the future, and whether he knew it or not, she wasn’t being selfish. Only his best interest was held in her heart.

He fell asleep to silence, listening as the rain poured down on the city around him.


When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them


~

Michael hadn’t seen her in over six years, but he knew that face anywhere. It had been etched into his memory so many times it would be impossible to ever dispose of. She was standing by the freezer section of the grocery store, looking on the back of two different boxes.

They hadn’t spoken since before she left either. Logic was telling him to turn around and walk back out the front entrance, but the part of him that missed her with everything he possessed moved his legs in her direction.

“Syd?”


If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found



She turned on her heel, coming face to face with someone she thought had been left in another life. Never expecting to see him again her eyes grew wide, her face turning a shade paler.

“Michael?” Sydney chocked out slowly.

“It’s a small world.” He laughed, not really knowing what you say to someone that just walks out of your life with no explanation.

“Guess so… what are you doing in New York?” She asked him.

“I could ask you the same thing, but I’m actually here on business.” He watched as she got that look in her eyes, the one he’d seen so many years ago and wasn’t able to understand.

“Michael… I, I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” Sydney admitted, staring at the box of chicken nuggets in her hands.

“Yea, you kind of made that clear didn’t you?” He asked bitterly.

“Michael - ”

“And since when do you like those chicken things? You used to hate them.” He was changing the subject. Michael couldn’t stand to talk about loosing her, with her. His morals and ethics were completely against letting her stomp on his heart yet again.


When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them



“Oh, they’re actually… no, I still don’t like them,” she told him, setting them down in the cart at her right.

“So, you’re involved with someone then?” He asked, quietly, quickly.

“No, yes, well, not really. Sort of.” She turned away from him. “I need to go.”

“Don’t.” He couldn’t stand to let her slip away.

“Mommy!” A little girl rounded the corner of the grocery store with a box of cereal in tow. “I’m sorry I took so long, I couldn’t decide between Apple Jacks and Coco Puffs.”

Sydney clamped her eyes shut; praying Michael would just walk away. He didn’t though, he watched as the girl with brown pigtails put the cereal in Sydney’s cart.

“It’s alright sweetie.” Sydney ran a hand through one of the girls pigtails. “Bethany, this is a friend of mine from a long time ago. Can you say hello to Michael?”

“Hi Michael.” She smiled up at him, emerald eyes meeting.


Any control I thought I had just slipped through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Then and there I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet You love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly



~

Sydney and Michael were sitting at the counter in her kitchen, watching through the opening as Bethany played in the living room with her doll house.

“She’s six?” Michael asked, never moving his eyes from the little girl.

“Yes.” Sydney nodded her head.

“When was she born?” He questioned.

“January 18th,” Sydney replied quietly.

For once, averting his stare, Michael looked right into Sydney’s eyes. “How come you never told me?” He wanted answers to so many questions he had.

Was Bethany alright? Did she wonder why she didn’t have a father? Was Sydney scared he wouldn’t love her anymore? Was her daughter alright with not being loved by two parents, and having the hole filled by one? Was their daughter uninformed of how much he really would love her?

“I… I didn’t want to ruin your life.”


You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do You make it light
As I exhale I hear Your voice
And I answer You, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's a fallen man's praise
Cause I love You
Oh God, I love You



“Ruin my life? God, Sydney, you’re all I wanted in life!” He yelled, anger boiling over in his eyes.

“You wouldn’t be where you are today if I stayed, we both know it,” she told him firmly.

“I had a right to know I was a father.” Michael looked back at Bethany, who saw his face and smiled up at him; one of her front teeth missing. He couldn’t help but smile back.

“You did, you’re right. But I was eighteen Michael, and you weren’t much older. I thought it was the best thing for all of us.” Sydney tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, taking a sip of her tea.

They were both quiet a moment, both too terrified to say something.

“You broke my heart,” he said quietly.

“I loved you,” Sydney whispered.

“That’s why it hurt so much.” He looked at her before standing up and bringing his cup to the sink. “I didn’t want to loose you; I didn’t want to miss you so horribly. But I did, and when I did, it hurt.”


When I go down
I lift my eyes to You
I won't look very far
Cause You'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again



“I miss you,” she confessed, staring at the ground.

Michael looked between the little girl and the woman he once loved. He understood now why she left him all those years before. He excepted what she’d done, and the grudge he’d held for so many years finally slipped away.

“I miss you too.”

{Fin}


Song Lyrics – ‘When I Go Down’ by Relient K

I got the list I’m sending in PMs from my previous one parter “Stay With Me”
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Hope you enjoyed it
-Ash
 
First?? Yay... I don't remember the last time I was first for anything... :D


I’m sorry. I don’t really know what else to tell you. I loved you, I did. There was a day that I loved you so much I didn’t know what to do. I don’t remember when that day was though. We’re growing up, Michael. We aren’t who we were three years ago. We wouldn’t, couldn’t, won’t, work for what fate has planned for me. When I look ahead, I don’t see you there anymore.
Don’t wait for me, I’m not coming back.

Michael wiped his eyes, standing off the bed and putting the letter in the garbage can on the other side of the room. Another chapter of his life had been finished. He could thank Sydney for that. She was giving him a real shot at the future, and whether he knew it or not, she wasn’t being selfish. Only his best interest was held in her heart.
:cry: She left??? I don't believe it... there has to be another reason as to why she left... there just has to be...


“Mommy!” A little girl rounded the corner of the grocery store with a box of cereal in tow. “I’m sorry I took so long, I couldn’t decide between Apple Jacks and Coco Puffs.”

Sydney clamped her eyes shut; praying Michael would just walk away. He didn’t though, he watched as the girl with brown pigtails put the cereal in Sydney’s cart.

“It’s alright sweetie.” Sydney ran a hand through one of the girls pigtails. “Bethany, this is a friend of mine from a long time ago. Can you say hello to Michael?”

“Hi Michael.” She smiled up at him, emerald eyes meeting.
:eek: OMG!!! She has a daughter... and it's Michael's baby... .... that's why she left...:cry:


“You broke my heart,” he said quietly.

“I loved you,” Sydney whispered.

“That’s why it hurt so much.” He looked at her before standing up and bringing his cup to the sink. “I didn’t want to lose you; I didn’t want to miss you so horribly. But I did, and when I did, it hurt.”
Awww... :cry: They still love each other.. after all these years.. that's so sweet!!


“I miss you,” she confessed, staring at the ground.

Michael looked between the little girl and the woman he once loved. He understood now why she left him all those years before. He excepted what she’d done, and the grudge he’d held for so many years finally slipped away.

“I miss you too.”
Awww.... Everything's going to be ok now.. I can just feel it. :smiley:


Great story. Loved the concept. The song fit really well too. Thanks for sharing it with us!! :flowers:
 
OMG I LOVED THAT. I so should be working on my paper for school right now but i had to take a break and read this and I'm so glad i did. I'll come back a review with quotes once i have time ;)
 
OMG!!! :jawdrop: That was beautiful!!! Really angsty, but really good. I didn't get at first that it was her and Vaughn's baby. :blush: (Dont' laugh at me) But as soon as I did, I realized that was why she left. Beautiful fic, Ash.

Thanks for the PM.

~Karen
 
I understand why Sydney did it but Michael lost out on so much because of her unilateral decision. She didn't even give him a chance. Now, I hope she does.

Thanks for the PM.

Chris
 
awww that was beautifully written!!

such a wonderful fic plz pm me for anything more that you write!!

loved little bethany she is so cute!!

thanks for the pm
 
That was very good! But it was sad! I'm glad that they found each other in the end! And they have a daughter! I knew it was gonna be his as soon as she entered the picture.... Now it all makes sense to why she left!

Great job! I wish it was more than a one parter though!

Megan

Ok.. here is my edit!

I went to work and I was thinking about this fic... and when Syd said she was kinda seeing someone, was she using her daughter as the person she was seeing... Like she was buying them for her daughter, saying that was the relationship she was in??? Did that make sense?

And if Michael was in New York for business.... how are they going to have a relationship if they live in different cities? I think I am over analyzing it and have been watching too much Alias, so I need to stop and just go with the flow!
 
Oh...Just....so sad...

At first I was panicking -- I mean, seriously. At first, the kid wasn't Vaughn's. And that's just....wrong. And then, I was okay, obviously because we found out that it was Vaughn's kid....and...yeah. I was happy, then.

Anyway. Thanks for the PM. This was fantastic.
 
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