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more then mets the eye

Discussion in 'Creative Writing & Arts' started by *twinkletoes*, Mar 4, 2003.

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  1. *twinkletoes*

    *twinkletoes* Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2003
    Ok, this is my first fanfic, so it will probably suck. And I promise that this will have syd ,vaughn ect. More, this is just the begining. This story takes place behind the scences of a ballet preformance.
    Nat yelled in frustration" I can't get this eyeliner right and we have to be on in 15 minuets".
    "nat don't have a spazz. I'll do it for you" replied Siobhan.
    "Thanks. I'll never be good at doing my makeup" said Nat as she sat down in a chair beside Siobhan.
    A couple minuets later a slim woman came in and said "You guys have to get to the stage now" .
    "k. were coming" replied Siobhan.
    Siobhan turned to the brown eyed beauty beside her and asked if she was ready yet
    "Almost," she replied "I just have to find my other point shoe" she continued while picking up a pile of tutus. "Go ahead, it wont take me long"added Nat.
    "Alright, but dont be late" pleaded Siobhan. Siobhan went out the door as Nat continued to look for her lost point shoe.
    Approximatly 5 minutes later Nat found her shoe and ran down the stairs with it in her hand, hoping they hadn't started without her. Stopping for a breath, Nat put her other shoe on. Looking around she noticed that no one was around. She knew something was wrong... very wrong. Normally backstage was crammed with mumbo jumbo of dancers but no one was there!. Suddenly Nat heard a noise to her left. She went to see what it was. There was someone searching in the stage prop box! Nat did the first thing that came to mind. She snuck up on the man and then kicked him in the head. The man fell to the floor with a loud thud. Nat just stood there staring at the man, thinking about what she just did. When finally she managed to calm herself down, she heard carefully quiet footsteps. Not wanting to get hurt, she ran and hid in the nearest prop closet. Shutting the door Nat remembered that the closet dusty.
    Nat's P.O.V
    Man, this closet is really dusty. Uh oh dust makes me sneeze. Joy, im stuck in a closest with freakish people walking around, am I'm gooing to sneeze. K there has got to be a way to stop myself from my dangerous fate( sneezing)
    End of P.O.V
    Whoever it was so close to Nat that she could hear the person talking. That was when Nat figured out that there were two people; a man and a woman.
    "I thought Kendall said that nobody would be here except for you know who" said the woman.
    " He did say that" answered the man."
    "Well he was wrong" said the woman sarcastically.
    " What do you mean?," asked the man worriedly.
    " Look its Sark on the floor," whispered the woman." I wonder who did that" said the man.
    " We should find whoever it was that knocked him out" said the woman.
    Finally, Nat couln't hold it in any more, she sneezed the loudest sneeze she had ever managed.
    " What was that?' asked the man.
    "It came from that closet" replied the woman. They opened the closet door, and Nat decided to say something." Dont come any closer. I have point shoes on" she threaghtened. Dammit, she thought. Now i sound like an idiot.
    "Don't worry your safe" said the woman.
    "Who are you?" asked Nat


    if u like it let me know....im open for suggestions. if ur wondering why all the spelling mistakes are gone, my friend is a grammar whiz.
     
  2. SpyGurl001

    SpyGurl001 Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2003
    Location:
    Florida
    OK this story sounds intresting (Good Way!!) !!


    Here is a few suggestions ( you can use them or not)

    1. Capitalize Names ( like Nat)
    2. Space it out, use shift when you use dialogue
    3. Also DON'T SAY YOUR FIC SUCKS!!! it doesn't!!!

    those are just a few......

    Please write more!!

    ~KM :angelic:
     
  3. *twinkletoes*

    *twinkletoes* Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2003
    thanks. you no what is really sad i wrote that imn math classe
     
  4. aliaschick4mv

    aliaschick4mv Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2003
    Location:
    East Coast
    This sounds really good! Keep going! Just check your spelling and when you have someone say something you start a new line, like this:

    "Blah," he said
    "Blah blah blah," she said
    "BLAH!!" screamed someone.

    It makes it easier to read.
     
  5. aliasjgfanaticmv

    aliasjgfanaticmv Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2003
    Location:
    shouldn't matter to you where I live
    Yeah, it was a little confusing, otherwise it was good. Keep writing, can't wait to see what happens next. Oh, and I wrote 2 chapters to a story I'm making in my math class, both of which are more thatn 3 pages long, front and back, so it's not that sad. I don't know why I am, it's not like I'm going to post it...
     
  6. Alias*Kelli

    Alias*Kelli Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2003
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    It's a very good story just use spaces.

    Kelli
     
  7. nancee

    nancee Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2003
    Location:
    from da hood
    yeah..juss fix the spacing....and get to the vaughn part.
     
  8. SpyGurl001

    SpyGurl001 Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2003
    Location:
    Florida
    No thats not sad I wrote some if my story when I got finish with a standerized test I had to do!

    he he Please write more ( it don't matter where ;))

    ~KM :angelic:
     
  9. kleverkitten

    kleverkitten Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2003
    This is a great start!
     
  10. *twinkletoes*

    *twinkletoes* Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2003
    thax fro the advice.
     
  11. Alias Elle

    Alias Elle Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2002
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    I don't know, guys. Should I let this one have it?

    ~Me :angel2:
     
  12. *twinkletoes*

    *twinkletoes* Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2003
    no math class today so i didnt have time to write anymore.
     
  13. Scarlet Crystal

    Scarlet Crystal Bibbity Rabbity

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2002
    Location:
    Narnia
    nice, but... it's not readable. indent, use quotes, and be... careful
     
  14. Scarlet Crystal

    Scarlet Crystal Bibbity Rabbity

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2002
    Location:
    Narnia
    nice start, though
     
  15. Alias Elle

    Alias Elle Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2002
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    Alright, since nobody replied to my post before;

    I think this has a lot of potential, but a lot of the elements were under-developed and you really need to work on spacing, punctuation, etc. Also, you need to give a little more explanation.

    ~Me :angel2:
     
  16. Alias*Kelli

    Alias*Kelli Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2003
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Sorry Alias Elle I would have sad something, but I didn't have time to post it before because I had to go to band.

    Kelli
     
  17. Alias Elle

    Alias Elle Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2002
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    Well, I said it anyways, so it really doesn't matter now.

    ~Me :angel2:
     
  18. *twinkletoes*

    *twinkletoes* Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2003
    this is the new part...................and it is written by me AND my friend emilie......as will be the rest of the story.

    "My name is Sydney Bristow and this is Michael Vaughn, we work for the CIA", replied the woman, now known as Sydney.
    "Ok, so you're the good guys?," asked Nat worriedly.
    " Yes we are," assured Vaughan. "You're going to have to come with us,"he continued, "We think something bad has happened, but first grab your stuff."
    Nat ran up the stairs to the girls changeroom and grabbed her duffel, hurriedly tossing some hair elastica and a brush. She ran back down the stairs as quickly as she could to meet back with Syd and Vaughn. As she was approaching Syd and Vaughn, Nat heard gunshots coming from the direction which the man she had kicked had lay. Nat's head whirled around, terror in her eyes as she stared at the cute blond man holding the gun. Vaughn shot at the man ferociously like a lion proecting his young, while Sydney grabbed Nat and her duffel and ran. Vaughn followed them looking back every once in a hile to shoot at their pursuer. The three of them ran for their lives.

    On the plane back to L.A
    "What the hell was that?" asked Nat with a curiously innocent smile, although the ultimate fright in her eyes was obvious.
    Sydney turned to Vaughn, " I think we have some explainig to do"
    So for the next 3 hours, Syd and Vaughn explained the entire CIA stuff leaving out no detail. Nat was taking in the unimaginable information with utter amazement. Suddenly the pain in Nats feet got to the point where she wailed in pain, for she was still wairing the uncomfortable point shoes in which she would have danced.
    " What's wrong?" Syd and Vaughn asked in unison, genuine concern in their voices.
    "I'm still wearing these damn point shoes and my feet are killing me!" whined Nat. " Do you mind if I go change?" she asked pleadingly.
    " No need to ask, the bathroom is in the back," replied Vaughn while Syd naded her her duffel. Nat tiredlly limped to the back of the jet to go and chage out of her awflu shoes.
    She got to the private bathroom ( complete with jacuzzi and spa ), and put down her duffel. She then fished around in it and produced a pair of navy track pants and a lavender glittery tank top. She put them on and topped off her enemble with a pair of brightly colored tos socks. It was then that Nat realized that these clothes were not hers, they were Siobahn's! Shrugging, she reached back into the duffel for a pair of shoes when she cried out
    " Oh no!" :o
     
  19. aliaschick4mv

    aliaschick4mv Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2003
    Location:
    East Coast
    OOOO Is there a bomb in the clothes bag???? Write more soon!
     
  20. *twinkletoes*

    *twinkletoes* Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2003
    we will post more soon since its march break and all. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :woot: :woot:
    I love march break
    No school
    Then ems and i cant work on the story more
    Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
    Ok anyway there will defenetly be more soon :D :D :D :D
     

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