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My story needs help.

Discussion in 'Books' started by Fishi, Jul 31, 2011.

Tags:
?
  1. yes, no matter the cost

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. yes, depending on the price

    2 vote(s)
    40.0%
  3. maybe if all bugs are worked out.

    2 vote(s)
    40.0%
  4. if it existed but it doesn't

    2 vote(s)
    40.0%
  5. no, it would be too bulky/inconvenient/expensive

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  6. no, just no.

    1 vote(s)
    20.0%
  7. I have no actual physical need for it and that is exactly why I would

    1 vote(s)
    20.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. Fishi

    Fishi attempting author

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2011
    Location:
    mayodan, nc, usa
    I am planning on writing a story and I need a little bit of assistance. You see my friends are not very sci-fi savy (at least that I know of) and I need to know what I should do to grab their attention really fast.

    Another problem I am having with my story is an inability to find the right words to describe the technology that the main character creates.

    The technology is designed to work like a computer ten thousand times more powerful than the most powerful super computer we have today, along with the capabilities to bring video games to life (much the way a Starfleet Holodeck does) with safety protocols that take major amounts of hacking to turn off so no one gets hurt. It is styled to look like a pair of glasses/goggles (choice of the consumer), a wrist gauntlet (not sure if that is the right word, I got the idea from a wrist brace that I was wearing for no other reason than I could), and biker gloves (the kind with half fingers, if you know what I mean.) It is all controlled through the gloves and gauntlet and the glasses/goggles are for when you want(or need) to keep your internet/computing secret. it is all regulated through a device much like a starfleet com badge :borg:. or later on a device much like seven of nine's borg implant above her right eye:)borg:). Currently in the story only the main character, a fifteen year old girl, has access to both.

    There is no limit to the amount of information this technology can hold. It can be programmed to play any game from any system from the very first video games to the latest and greatest and beyond.

    So can anyone please help me:
    1. Write it so my friends will actually read it.
    and
    2. Describe the technology in a shorter way than what I just did.

    edit: I also need ideas for characters. so far I only have four The Main Character, Her name is Somnia (which is Latin for dreams); her friends, Joseph(Jo-Jo) and Alexandra (Alex or Fish); and the main character's mom, Carol; make that five characters,and a school bully, Jamie, who is so mean I need a new word to describe her. They are all human. :)



    Any help will be much appreciated.
     
  2. Fishi

    Fishi attempting author

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2011
    Location:
    mayodan, nc, usa
    this is what the technology looks like until some one can help me make it more sci-fi [​IMG]

    why isn't the picture showing?

    if you cant see the picture you can view it here : http://starmartiza.deviantart.com/#/d428gtt
     
  3. Simon Tall

    Simon Tall Tall Englishman

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2011
    Location:
    norwich uk
    Sounds like you need to give the system some kind of snazzy name...
    'omnicomp' or something?
     
  4. Fishi

    Fishi attempting author

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2011
    Location:
    mayodan, nc, usa
    Yeah, that's what I need.
    But I also need characters, such as evil scientists and/or (y) aliens that are only revealed to be alien when using the glasses/goggles in their (I just thought of this) infrared or night vision mode also known as the spy mode because they can allow you to see what no one else can and with a little Bluetooth headset you can even hear conversations from the top floor of a tall building while outside of it.

    perfect device for spies or nosy neighbors. ;)

    even great for studying anytime anywhere.

    this device is just getting more and more awesome.

    also can work as a universal translator for any and all earth languages even cuneiform.
     
  5. Azhria Lilu

    Azhria Lilu Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2002
    Location:
    Derbyshire, UK
    You have characters names and a device.. but what's the story plot?

    As for the device - I'd go with contact lenses instead of goggles.. they're less noticeable ;)
     
  6. Fishi

    Fishi attempting author

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2011
    Location:
    mayodan, nc, usa
    yes, I have a plot but it is iffy i know that it centers around these three teens who are traveling for some reason, to be determined later. They start being chased by these men who work for the different world governments because of the device-------dubbed the plurimum syskevi. (which simply means 'all powerful device.'), shortened to pluriskevi or plurevi (from the latin plurimum "all powerful" and the greek συσκευή or syskevi(phonetic) "device".)-------and its potential as a weapon or spy device.

    They are trying to get away for a while so they hide and then get ......... Can't say anything about there(spoilers and all)[the actual reason is I haven't worked it out.] ....... they eventually end up looking for haunted spots and ghost as paranormal investigators using the device. Somni has an interest in aliens.

    But this isn't all.

    For any who say the device is outdated assume it is alternate timeline the time the story begins is around 2000-2001. in the story they witness 9-11 live. but from the somewhat altered street view in my head.

    Boy am i glad that this is fiction. :)
     
  7. Azhria Lilu

    Azhria Lilu Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2002
    Location:
    Derbyshire, UK
    Okay. a word of advice - don't stretch yourself too thin. Either concentrate on them being chased due to the device or concentrate on them being paranormal investigators. Maybe think upon it as a two book arc - the first revolving around the device.. the second revolving around being paranormal investigators while using the device (now that they've escaped from authorities... or resolved their issues).
     
  8. JJackson

    JJackson Scout

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2011
    Location:
    Manistee Michigan
    I would suggest you start writing small summaries of each chapter. Do this on paper instead of the computer. This way you do not 'delete' an idea that could be usefull later on. Once you have the entire story rough drafted, and this only needs to be a paragragh per chapter, your good to go. For my own story I spent two months doing a rough paper draft. Some of it I will never use, some has been quite helpful as a reminder of the overall direction. Once the story is totally down in summary skim through it, does it flow. Also with science fiction I like to make sure that its fiction based on science otherwise its fantasy. Nothing wrong with that. Research can help a lot. Hope this helps :)
     
  9. johncreed

    johncreed Scout

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2011
    Hi Fishi

    First I have some questions:

    How long do you want your story to be?

    Why do you want your friends to read it?

    Have you read Freedom by Daniel Suarez?

    Now some observations:

    Let your technology explain itself as your story goes along. Make sure you know what it comprises before you start so that you can unveil relevant parts of it as you progress. Avoid "info-dumps" at all costs unless you intend boring your readers.

    Try not to be too complex or you will just confuse your readers.

    But, yes, be as far-out as you want/need.

    There are some good critics on the web who will give you much better feedback than your friends (unless you know how to prepare them, assuming they are willing, which it sounds like they're not). You'll need to send the first 4,000 to 10,000 words. There's a price tag of course, but the feedback will be more than worth it.

    I would be happy to critique for free but then I would expect you to do the same for me on my current novel. I can send you the guidelines if you're interested.

    John
     
  10. Fishi

    Fishi attempting author

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2011
    Location:
    mayodan, nc, usa
    1. either twenty+ chapters or 100000 words whichever gets the story told the best.

    2. The story is for my Friend, Alex. She is the best friend I have ever had and I owe her for all the things she has done to help me. She asked for a story in return and I want it to be the best it possibly can be.

    3. no I have never read it.

    I will gladly critique your novel, but of note on that I don't have any of mine written yet.
     
  11. johncreed

    johncreed Scout

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2011
    You can find the first chapter at http://e2s.webs.com

    Let me know if you want more and I will mail the next five chapters to you.

    Why don't you start with a novella of +/- 10k words? Less ambitious but also less soul destroying than failing on a full scale novel.


    Try to get hold of a copy. He develops a technology similar to yours and it will give you inspiration and something to outclass.
    ___

    I start a novel with two things initially: an end game and some characters. OK, so you have
    - Somnia;
    - Jo-Jo and
    - Alex and
    - Somnia's mom, Carol; and
    - a school bully, Jamie, who is so mean I need a new word to describe her.

    What is the end game? Here's an idea:
    They all get entwined into the virtual technology and,
    after lots of incidents, barely escape with their lives.
    The bully Jamie (he or she?) uses his/her bulloxiousness (you wanted a new word?)
    to defeat the technology and enable their escape such that Somnia falls in love with him/her.
    Joseph is extremely jealous of this and plots to get the girls stuck in the virtual reality again (sequel?).
    Alex and Carol become world renowned techology sleuths and start their own business (also to be part of any sequel).

    Let me know if you need more.

    John
     
  12. Fishi

    Fishi attempting author

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2011
    Location:
    mayodan, nc, usa
    my not so complete first chapter

    I figure I might as well get critiquing while I am in an early stage. Sort of like the first draft of three paragraphs my teacher made us write for an essay about her.
     
  13. Fishi

    Fishi attempting author

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2011
    Location:
    mayodan, nc, usa
    I contacted you from your story with my not so long and very first critique every. Maybe I will slowly learn to make better critiques.
     
  14. johncreed

    johncreed Scout

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2011
    Hi Fishi

    Sorry for the delay in responding. I had to go away on urgent business.
    ___

    Thank you for critiquing E2S chapter 1. You will see why I don't give a time frame at the end of the book. Clue: time is circular.
    ___

    I'm very impressed that you got started on your story and I will read and critique it later, but don't hold your breath.

    John
     
  15. johncreed

    johncreed Scout

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2011
    Fishi

    I read your story start and observe as follows:

    Opening: is good, made me want to read on. If you ever want to sell your work remember that people read the first few line's to see if they're going to buy. You have 30 seconds maximum to make the sale!
    ___

    Conflict: bland. There is conflict in the chasing men but that is not affecting me, the reader, because Somni doesn't get caught. Try and introduce some conflict into the dialogue between her and the police. If you want examples of this, ask!
    ___

    Plot: too early to say. It would be good (for you) if you sent me an outline of your overall plot.
    ___

    Setting: Street scene, lots of people about. Could be any town or city but maybe not relevant?
    ___

    Characterization: Somni is the main character? So far I know that she's about eight (two years older than my daughter) and that she needs to wear glasses. Don't waste too much time on "walk-on" characters. I don't need lots of information about Alex unless she is becoming a main character or she will appear again later.
    ___

    Dialogue: Always start a new person's dialogue in a fresh paragraph:

    She listened hard as the blur talked.

    "Hello, my name is Alex, etc...

    Capitalise your yes and no's:

    "no"

    "Do you feel any pain?"

    "yes."

    "Where?"

    And even the "No" needs a period.

    It's early days yet but try and give your main character(s) a blemish or a quirk in their dialogue.
    ___

    Point of View: I can't tell what your POV is at this early stage. It will become clear as you develop.
    ___

    Show versus tell: This is important. Try and paint as much of the picture as possible through dialogue. You did this well with Somni's loss of her glasses!
    ___

    Format of the text: Keep your sentences short ESPECIALLY in chases or moments of high action/excitement. This should be at least four, if not five sentences:

    The girl, who looked no older than eight, was four and a half feet tall, with very untidy auburn hair, brown eyes, what you would call an average nose (straight not bent, broken or misshapen in any way), resting upon her nose were glasses that were slightly dirty and badly cracked with wire frames that were oval (well more like a rounded rectangle), her mouth set in a sort of determined grimace, and her clothes ? jeans and a pink tee-shirt bearing the legend for the cure across it in white letters ? were tattered as were her simple blue tennis shoes.
    ___

    Grammar and spelling: Check the difference between loose and lose. Occasionally your sentence structure is a bit convoluted but that will come right as you start to use shorter sentences. Otherwise your grammar and spelling were surprisingly good.
    ___

    Style: Very mundane. This is the area that you need to differentiate yourself from the rest of the pack. I want to see the Fishi style and I can't. Yet! Don't feel you have to tell your reader everything. And what you do have to tell him/her doesn't have to be spelt out like you're giving someone directions. For example you wrote:

    She was on the last rung of the bottom ladder of the fire escape when she saw a Frisbee. The Frisbee was on the bottom of the fire escape. She was distracted by the Frisbee when her foot slipped and she fell off the ladder.

    You could write:

    There was a frisbee at the bottom of the fire escape.

    "A frisbee?" she thought. "How did that get here?" It distracted her. She lost her footing.

    "Ooouch!" she cried as she fell off the ladder.
    ___

    Be careful of the use of the passive voice. Google it and let me know why I say this!
    ___

    Fishi, you have started. That's the hardest part. Now I want to see plot outline and some more text. It doesn't have to carry on from here. You can write your story in five different sections if you want to. It's an editor's nightmare to tie it all back together but at least that way you have something to work with.
    ___

    Don't get discouraged by all my negative comments, they are given for your improvement. Well done!

    Now I'm curious as to how Somni turns into an FBI agent!
    ___

    We'll talk about your title later... -:)

    John
     
  16. Big Fuzzy

    Big Fuzzy Big Fuzzy

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2011
    Location:
    Michigan
    Hey, Bubba. I just joined the list and am a published author. My book, Fuzzy Ergo Sum, is available on Amazon.

    Your computer is God-like at 10,000 times the power of what we have now. Hal 9000 and cyber steroids. This is truly the god in the machine (deus ex machina).

    Arthur C. Clarke said that "technology, sufficiently advanced, is indistringuishable from magic." Your computer premise is the ultimate expression of that. Might I suggest reading Harry Harrison's "The Technicolor Time Machine" for pointers.

    Plain and simple, since you already stated that it can do the Star Trek Holodeck thing, is that whatever it or its creator wants, it can do. Period. If it says "Let there be light," get some sunglasses in a hurry.

    I hope this helps.

    Big Fuzzy
     
  17. Big Fuzzy

    Big Fuzzy Big Fuzzy

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2011
    Location:
    Michigan
    I am trying to find a movie that I cannot remember the title to. It is in color, possibly Technicolor, made before 1975, and features asians and caucasions. The asian leads are a sort of Adam and Eve.

    First rocket crashes on planet. 20 years later second rocket arrives to find only asian male (a cross between Tarzan and Adam) the only survivor. His parents are presurved in a transparent medium. Father caucasion, mother asian. Movie end with asian male and female being left on planet to populate it (more or less.) I think the "tarzan/Adam" is called Zan or Zann or maybe Zhan. Anybody know what the title to this flick is?

    Big Fuzzy
     
  18. Fishi

    Fishi attempting author

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2011
    Location:
    mayodan, nc, usa
    Is My computer glitchy or does amazon say that your book costs $2475.00?

    I think you are on the wrong topic to ask that.



    i started my own forum for my story so that people suggest things based on where Somni ends up going.

    She starts in New York.

    Link to the forum:
    http://littlefedworld.forumcommunity.net/
     
  19. Jackdash

    Jackdash Jack Dash

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2011
    Location:
    england
    I used the concept of using glasses/contact lenses for a computer interface in my book Anvil of Change

    If you download the free sample, it will give you an idea of how i used them in my story.

    Jack
     
  20. gravie3282

    gravie3282 Scout

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2012
    Location:
    Lake Elmo, MN
    Fishi,

    I think that it is great that you are writing this story. I also feel that it is completely reasonable to hope or expect your friends would support your work, even if they are not Sci Fi enthusiasts. I was NOT one to read or get into Sci Fi books. I could watch a few movies, but for some reason could never seem to make a Science Fiction book work for me. I had a friend suggest WATDOT: List of Twenty to me. GREAT book! It turned my opinion of the genre around. I was able to talk with her about her opinion of the book and her thoughts on the technology and meaning of events in the book. The first chapter and a half describe some pretty intense technology that is used through the book. I suggest you check it out as a good example of how to break down the introduction of technology that a non-Science Fiction guru will understand.

    Hope that helps!
     

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