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The Hardest Thing

Discussion in 'Creative Writing & Arts' started by angelbleu, Apr 30, 2003.

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  1. angelbleu

    angelbleu Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2002
    You all have been so nice with my fic "Smile" ..(Thank you SOOOOO MUCH!!)that I decided to post another one of my fics here.

    Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

    Summary: SD-6 is just taken down. Sydney wants to move on with her relationship with Vaughn. But does he feel the same way??? (Sorry..I'm terrible with summaries)



    The Hardest Thing


    Part One – Sydney’s POV


    I can’t believe it’s finally over. I dreamed and prayed that this day would come. Now that it’s here, it somehow feels different. Not in a bad way. Not in a good way either. I can’t put my finger on it. I am reminded of that little yellow bird outside my window. I remember that day he was old enough to be out of his nest. His first breath of freedom to fly away, but he is motionless. Not yet ready to jump and taste the fresh air.

    This must be the period of limbo right after one chapter of my life ends but before the next begins when everything stands still. I spent over a decade with SD-6. After that long a time, it is only natural to forget my life had been anything else. Francie was right I guess. My work was my life. My life was my work. But I had good reason to work so hard. Before I found out about SD-6’s true nature, I worked because it was a savoir. I was lost at nineteen. There had been no one in my life to guide me. Sloane offered me a purpose. I, Sydney Bristow, was fighting for my country. For the better of millions of men, women and children. Sacrificing personal freedoms seemed all worth it. But some things should never be sacrificed. Whoever said “above all else, there is love” was right. I don’t know how I could have gotten through these years after I learned the truth without him. Our paths were bound to meet and cross. And now that everything else was over, we can continue down the same path...together.

    We had already started working on building that path for a few months now. The timing couldn’t have been better. I think I might go insane if I had to keep everything hidden inside for any longer. I haven’t seen him yet since the take-down. We decided that once everything was settled and calm, we’d meet back at where everything began. Our secret meeting place. The image of the two of us leaving the warehouse today hand in hand out into the sunlight is all I can think about.

    I hear the shuffle of his footsteps coming closer. My heart beats faster in excitement. He suddenly stops. I turn around quickly to see that he is still ten feet away and doesn’t have plans to move any closer. I see now. He wants me to be the one to come charging at him with open arms. My head says, why should I be the one to initiate everything? But I can’t control my legs. It is simply impossible for me to hold back when all I want to do is fling my arms around his neck and never let go. It takes a few strides and without even looking, I wrap any arms around him and I feel the onset of tears. We had waited so long. Too long. I hold on tighter and tighter and bring my head closer and closer to his neck. Taking him all in.

    Then I realize that he is still. He doesn’t have his arms around my waist. They are dangling by his side. He doesn’t move his head to be closer to mine. He stands upright and stiff. He is playing some joke I’m sure. In the next moment, he’ll snap out of it. I just know it. I hold on tighter dismissing his behavior. It’s just all too much to feel. People have different ways of expressing themselves. I happen to be a person who wants to let everything out all at once. Maybe he’s different. My smile slowly fades as there is still no response from him.

    “ What’s wrong?” I whisper into his ear.

    He takes my arms off his neck and gives me a little push. Away from him.

    “ Vaughn...” I say his name slowly in confusion.

    As if settling me a little away from him isn’t enough. He takes another step backwards.

    “ What’s going on?” my voice cracks a little.

    He stares at the floor and gives a big sigh. “ Agent Bristow. All the files have been compl ...”

    “ What did you call me?” I ask in bewilderment. I must have heard wrong. He never calls me with such formality. Not even when we were still strangers. And we have come a long way since then.

    “ I said Agent Bristow ...” he continues again.

    I shake my head uncontrollably. Who is this person and what have they done with my Vaughn?

    “ I heard you. I want to know why you are calling me that.”

    “ It is your name,” he states as if I were stupid.

    “ Not to you. Maybe to Devlin or Kendall. But not to you.” Snap out of it Vaughn! He is scaring me.

    “ That’s where you’re wrong. You should have always been just Agent Bristow to me. There is standard protocol.” The rules? Why is he talking about the rules now? I am quitting the CIA in a few days and he decides to follow the rules now?

    “ Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that?” my tone is urgent. How could he turn this day, the first day of my life with happiness, into this?

    “ It’s never too late.” He says coolly.

    “ Vaughn ...I don’t know what you’re doing. But stop it. You’re scaring me.” I take a step closer to him. He takes another step back. Is he doing this to intentionally make me mad?

    “ I just came here to tell you that all the papers have been prepared and ready for your signing.”

    “ I don’t want to know why you are here for business. I want to know why you are acting this way. Like you don’t even know me.” I feel the tears coming back to my eyes.

    “ Maybe I finally realized that I don’t know you. And you don’t know me either.” I gape my mouth open. This can’t be happening.

    “ After all we shared? ...we still don’t know each other?” What is he saying? Does he even know the words that are coming out of his mouth?

    “ That’s right. You may think you know. But you really don’t. How much do you think we shared?” his voice wavers a little.

    “ Everything!” I shout. I can’t believe he is asking that. “ I shared with you ...my worries, my fears, my hopes, my mind, ...” My mouth feels dry as I keep on listing. All he does is stare at the floor without any expression. “ my heart...my body ...my love...” All the frustration, anger, and shock can’t be contained any longer. My shoulders heave up and down as I bring my hands up to cover my face. All I want is to clear my reeling mind.

    “ Vaughn...” I say with a shaky voice. “ You can’t tell me I’m making those things up.”

    After a long silence, he answers in a calm voice. “ Maybe you think you feel that way. But you don’t really know that I feel the same way.”

    I feel like someone jabbed me in the stomach with a knife. “ I know!” I say as a matter of factly. I do know. There is no way he can say I don’t mean anything to him. His actions have said it all.

    “ I know you love me.”

    “ Maybe I don’t.” he spits out quickly.

    “ You do.” I am not in denial. He does. Right now my head is not sure what he is up to, but my heart knows.

    “ How can you be so sure?”

    “ Because you told me. Many times. Many places. Here in fact. Against that table,” I point to the desk in the corner. “ And over there,” I spin around to show him the fenced walls. “There is no way you could have been lying. It was real. I was there when you called out my name with desire and passion... ”

    “ Desire! That’s right. You said it.” He cries out to interrupt. “ That’s not the same as love,” he says with a hint of disappointment.

    “ But then you held me afterwards. When all the heat subsided. What was left?.” What about that mister? He can’t deny the tenderness of love when all the desire passed. What was left WAS love.

    “ I am a man Sydney. I do have needs.” He says slowly. Turning the knife in my stomach. He takes all the good out of what we did and is making it into something dirty. All the confusion and then hopelessness is now turning into anger and resentment.

    “ And you couldn’t get it anywhere else?” I say through clenched teeth.

    He sighs again condescendingly as if trying to explain a math problem to a dumb kid. I am waiting for a response. “ I didn’t need to. When you made it so easy,” he finally lets it out.

    It is like a reflex. My arm swings out leaving burns across his face. No one has ever made me feel like such a sl**. It is a hundred times worse coming from him. He brings his hand up to his face and I just stare with sadness.

    “ Why are you doing this?” I ask in a pleading voice. Pleading with him to stop. I don’t know this man in front of me. He is not Vaughn. Vaughn loves me.

    “ Sometimes the truth hurts.” That was a low blow.

    “ That’s not the truth. You’re lying.” I thought he was the one person that would never ever lie to me.

    “ I’m not.” He says flatly.

    “ Yes you are. why?… You can’t say you don’t love me. I DARE you to say you don’t love me.” I fold my arms across my chest. He still has his hand cupping his jaw from my blow. He remains motionless.

    Then slowly he opens his mouth. Bare audible, he says, “ I don’t love...” and he stops.

    “ You coward” I mouth because nothing comes out except a spit bubble. Then I regain my voice. Through the streaming tears, I say tensely. “ You coward. You can’t even look at me when you say it.” He just sinks his head further down. “ Look at me!” I yell. “ And tell me that. Look into my eyes.” He brings his face up to mine for the first time since he came in. My wild eyes are searching deep into his. Looking for that man. The one that would let me lean on him whenever I needed. The one that said sweet words every time we were together. I stare intensely into his stone cold green ones. I see them soften as I keep the penetration. Maybe he isn’t really softening. I just can’t see because my eyes are blurry with tears.

    He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. There! I knew he couldn’t do it. But why is he saying all these terrible things to me? To make me hate him? why? Why? WHY?!?

    “ I...” he swallows hard. But before he could utter another word, I rush over to him. My arms seem to have a mind of their own. Flailing everywhere. They start pounding on his chest. Grabbing at his shirt. Pulling, pushing, hitting. My whole body is shaking uncontrollably and my mouth rattles on. “ Why?? Why are you doing this? You must love me. In everything you do. Why let me call you in the middle of the night? Why risk your life for me? Why help me and almost drown in Taipei? Why come to SD-6 to save them from Cole? Why help my mother…the one who killed your father?” I am soaking his dress shirt and my hands have now ripped off a few of his buttons. But I continue with my ranting. Through my sobs, I get in various words, “ why? Why sneak around? Why make promises? Why do all those things if you don’t love me?” He suddenly grabs my wrists and shakes me with force to snap me out. I let out a gasp.

    “ I may have loved you at one time.” My whole body slumps down while he still clings on to my wrists tightly. At one time . . .at one time . . .he words circle in my head. Making me dizzy.

    “ Now it’s different? Now we can finally be free to be together and you don’t feel that way anymore?” He couldn’t have led me on.

    “ Yes. I was stupid. I was captured by the thrill of sneaking around. The excitement of never being caught. But now, without that aspect . . .you have lost your appeal.” He abruptly releases my arms.

    “ I’ve now found someone...” My mind goes blank. I don’t want to hear it anymore. “And she satisfies me in...every...way.” Make him stop. “ She’s always been there.” Please stop. “ She knows me. The real me.” stop. Stop. Stop.

    “ Stop! STOP!” I quickly bring my hands to cover my ears and shake my head furiously. I let out a whimper. “ Just tell me... so, all this time. All this time I thought I loved you and you loved me. It was all a lie? I was nothing to you except some cheap thrill? You used me??”

    I am no longer confused. If he tells me honestly. Then it’s all over. Everything. I hold my breath as I hope that there is still something. Something to bring the real Vaughn back. I want this monster to go away. It’s not him. It can’t be. Just one glimmer of hope. That’s all I need.

    “ I had to make you think I loved you. Why else would you work so hard to bring down SD-6? The better you performed out in the field, the better praise I got back in the office. You weren’t just a thrill. You served me in other ways too.”

    I felt like screaming. Like waking up from this nightmare. I dig my nails into my arm to find that this is real. Everyone has used me. Sloane. My mother. My father. I never thought he would be one of those people. He said he was my ally. It was all lies. ALL LIES. How could I have been so blind? No more self-pity. Don’t show him that you’re broken. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

    I stand up and walk to the desk with the files that he had set on the table. I sit down with tears still streaming and sign. I grip the pen hard and keep on signing. Page after page after page. It is a huge pile. He just stands there watching. After it is all done, I stand up with the stack of papers in my arms. In one quick motion, I throw them forcefully to the floor. All the pages fly up in the air and float down scattered across the hard cement ground landing at his feet.

    “ There are your signed papers agent Vaughn. I’m done with the CIA and everyone in it. I don’t know how I could have been so blinded by you. There must have been moments of truth, but I don’t care anymore. Why should I care about someone who I hate? You’re right. I don’t know you at all.” He looks almost prepared for what I was going to tell him and a little sad. Don’t read anymore into it Sydney. He doesn’t deserve it.

    I have never hurt so much in my entire life. Every fiber of my being aches. I stride out of the warehouse into the sunlight...alone. Never looking back now. What happened to the Michael Vaughn that I loved? He couldn’t have been all made up in my mind. Maybe he was. I thought the hardest thing was not being able to be with him. I now know that the hardest thing is letting him go.
     
  2. nancee

    nancee Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2003
    Location:
    from da hood
    .....................................................................omgosh.....
    ::tear::...im searious...im crying rite now..and im listenin to sad music...this is so sad.....how can u do this to her?......adn vaughn! ur so mean...u were usin her?..this is the first time im gonna say it....i hate u vaughn...that was so harsh!!! this fic is good...really good.....really sad...but really good..::tear::....omgosh...its so sad.....<='(
     
  3. angelbleu

    angelbleu Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2002
    iL0v3vAuGhN, Thank you. :D I'm sorry to make you cry...and hate Vaughn :gasp: I couldn't believe I made him so mean either....lol...

    Well, hopefully, maybe his POV will clear some things up.....or not.... :P

    I'm still gonna post, even if you're my only reader. ((Hugs))




    The Hardest Thing


    Part Two – Vaughn’s POV

    I keep reminding myself to take deep breaths, as I am about to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This isn’t the way I imagined Sydney Bristow and I to meet after the destruction of the Alliance. The end of SD-6 was supposed to mark the beginning for us. A new beginning, in which we didn’t have to ignore or hide our love for each other. I was not expecting this. It never even occurred in my mind that it had to end.

    The last few months have been wonderful. Ever since I found out that my feelings were returned, I have been the happiest man alive. Sure, I was getting tired of not being able to take her out for dinner or kiss her in the park or introduce her to my mother, but those wishes didn’t seem to matter because we were together. Despite not being able to show the world, all that was important was that we knew. Now was our chance to have more. At least I thought it was finally our chance. How could I have been so wrong? I am about to walk into our warehouse and kill that chance. I know that when we leave the warehouse and separate today, both of us will have left a part of our souls behind to be lost forever.

    I suddenly stop at the door. My hands are shaking. I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. Break her heart. But I know I have to. I contemplate turning around and leaving right this instant. But then I know she will come looking for me. She isn’t one to give up without a fight. I can’t leave this warehouse until I know one hundred percent that she has given up. In slow strides, I walk in.

    My breath almost catches as I see her in a spring dress. She just seems to light up the whole dark warehouse. No, she makes the whole warehouse disappear. The black walls seem to be replaced by ocean tides. I can just picture her standing as she is on the beach with the wind through her hair. I blink twice to push aside the image and bring myself back to reality. I wonder why she chose not to wear a suit She does look amazing in that light blue flowing dress. I remember her saying once that when we were together, that whenever SD-6 was gone, she’d burn every single matching suit she owned. “ When the day comes, I want never to have to wear suits in front of you again. No more reminders of being professional,” she had said. Did she wear it for me? Hoping that I’d notice?

    I carry the stack of papers from the office and set it quietly on the table. All the while, I never take my gaze away from her perfect figure. If I don’t use every second to admire her right now, I will never have a chance to. Even though I want desperately to see her beautiful face, I can’t help but hope she would just stay with her back turned a little longer. So I can just look a little longer. She senses my unwavering stare and spins around quickly.

    She is full of smiles. Her eyes are sparkling and she is glowing all over. I didn’t realize how much I had missed her these few days of nothing but paper work. Why does she have to be so God damn gorgeous? If only you were hideous Sydney Bristow. If even she was, everything else about her would make it not matter. Her smile is contagious. I feel the edges of my mouth curling unconsciously. Then I think about what will transpire between us, and my smile fades. I can’t move anymore. My legs feel as if they are glued to the floor. In a way, this is good I guess. If I can’t move over to her, I will be able to control the urge to take her into my arms.

    She doesn’t move either giving me a raised eyebrow in a playful manner. As if in slow motion, she takes a step closer. Then another. No, stop right there Sydney. Don’t come any closer, I won’t be able to take it. As her legs move faster and faster closing the gap between us, my body gets increasingly stiff. Before I could do anything, she flings her arms around my neck. I close my eyes and take in her scent while I try to keep from moving. She holds on tighter and all I want to do is collapse in her arms. I open my eyes and try to concentrate on a crack in the wall. This will help me remain unaffected by her closeness. Her grip relaxes a little and I hear her soft voice whisper, “ What’s wrong?”

    Everything Sydney. I want to tell you, but I can’t. I have to push her away. I move my arms up and reach behind to grab her wrists. I slowly remove her arms.

    “ Vaughn . . .” she questions slowly. God, why does she have to call my name? No matter how she says it, angrily, passionately, sincerely, my name has never sounded better coming from anyone else’s lips. We’re too close. I need to take a step back.

    “ What’s going on?” she asks. I hear the crack in her voice and see the uncertainty in her eyes. Her eyes . . .deep, brown, and soulful.

    I can’t look at them. I quickly jerk my head down to stare at the floor. I can’t keep dodging all her questions. How do I keep this about business? If she sees that I am all about business, maybe she’ll believe that it was nothing more. I let a deep sigh as if preparing myself with the words that will be coming out of my mouth.

    “ Agent Bristow . . .” I force myself to say. It seems so unnatural. I have called her Agent Bristow once, the first day we met. Then it became Sydney. Then it was Syd. Then Sweetie. Honey. Baby. She was not Agent Bristow. Agent Bristow was reserved for her father. But I even call her father by his first name: Jack. “ All the files have been compl . . .”

    “ What did you call me?” she interrupts with wide eyes. I guess she wouldn’t buy it anyway. Oh well, I still have to play this game.

    “ I said Agent Bristow…” I try again.

    She shakes her head from side to side. She isn’t going to let me get away with trying to be distant. “ I heard you. I want to know why you are calling me that.”

    “ It is your name,” I say harshly. I hope this harsh tone will work.

    “ Not to you. Maybe to Devlin or Kendell. But not to you.” I know. You don’t have to convince me Syd. I know. But I have to convince you of the opposite.

    “ That’s where you’re wrong. You should have always been just Agent Bristow to me. There is standard protocol.” I am a hypocrite. I usually try to take company protocol seriously, but I would gladly screw protocol for her. And I have many times.

    “ Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that?”

    “ It’s never too late.” I say coolly. It’s not too late for you. I want to you be able to walk away from me.

    “ Vaughn . . .I don’t know what you’re doing. But stop it. You’re scaring me,” she takes a step closer. I take another step back. Like a dance. I’m sorry Sydney. I can’t stand lying to you, but it’s too late for me to back down now.

    “ I just came here to tell you that all the papers have been prepared and ready for your signing,” I say returning to business. Let’s keep this about business, and we’ll both be okay.

    “ I don’t want to know why you are here for business. I want to know why you are acting this way. Like you don’t even know me,” she says with resentment.

    “ Maybe I finally realized that I don’t know you. And you don’t know me either.” Every word out of my mouth comes back to punch me in the stomach. I can’t even lie to strangers. I don’t know how I am not letting her see right through me.

    “ After all we shared? . . .we still don’t know each other?” she says skeptically. She is not stupid. She’s going to see through me. I need a new tactic. There is no way we can stay on the topic of business. If I try to make her think she never really loved me . . .

    “ That’s right. You may think you know. But you really don’t. How much do you think we shared?” I almost couldn’t control myself and let my voice waver. Questioning her feelings is like questioning her integrity.

    “ Everything!” she shouts and I am a little startled.

    “ I shared with you . . .my worries, my fears, my hopes, my mind, . . .” I hear her uncontrolled sobs as she lists. She has shared everything. She let me in like no one else. “ my heart . . .” I close my eyes to squeeze the forming tear away. “my body . . .” Oh stop it Syd. Images of her beautiful curves invade my mind. “my love . . .” no more Syd. Stop listing. I can’t take it. I can’t look up. If I do, I will perish right this instant. Her words sting at my heart. The truth does hurt.

    “ Vaughn . . .” she says with a shaky voice. “ You can’t tell me I’m making those things up,” she chokes on a tear.

    I feel like felgercarb. I don’t deserve you Syd. My mind is still bombarded with her words. All she gave to me. All that I took from her only to throw it back in her face. She does love me and she knows it. Trying to convince her she doesn’t would be pointless. What am I going to do? She is sure of her feelings. She can speak for herself. She can’t speak for me though. After a long silence, I answer in a calm voice. “ Maybe you think you feel that way. But you don’t really know that I feel the same way.”

    “ I know!” she says as a matter of factly. The way she sounded so sure makes me feel worse.

    “ I know you love me.” I do.

    “ Maybe I don’t.” I spit out too quickly that it can’t be the truth.

    “ You do.” Yes! She has so much faith in me and I have to kill that faith. Make her turn that love into hate.

    “ How can you be so sure?” It’s a lame attempt, but I must.

    “ Because you told me. Many times. Many places. Here in fact. Against that table,” She points to the desk in the corner. I see images of us. I can feel her below me. No, I shake my head. Don’t remind me. “ And over there,” She spins around gesturing to the fenced walls. I remember the feeling of her pressing my back against the fence. “There is no way you could have been lying. It was real.” Images flash constantly. I feel my body getting hot all over. I need to breathe. “I was there when you called out my name with desire and passion . . .” I can hear my own voice calling her. Snap out of it Vaughn!

    “ Desire! That’s right. You said it.” I cry out to speak above the voices in my head. Our voices. The words I whispered in her ears. Her moans. Don’t go there you idiot! “That’s not the same as love,” I let out cowardly.

    “ But then you held me afterwards. When all the heat subsided. What was left?” Don’t ask me to answer that. I remember what it feels like to have her bare body resting against mine. I loved that feeling afterwards. Everything was perfect. We felt connected. Like all the spy stuff didn’t matter. I knew she felt safe in my arms. And I liked the feeling of protecting her. I would never think to hurt her like this. Forgive me Sydney for what’s next. It is the only way.

    “ I am a man Sydney. I do have needs.” I say slowly. I bite my lower lip to feel the pain I know she feels.

    “ And you couldn’t get it anywhere else?” she says through clenched teeth. I think I’m getting through. She is changing. I am slowly shredding all the hopes she had for us.

    Just push it a little more. “ I didn’t need to. When you made it so easy.”

    Before I could hear my own words, I feel the force of her hand slap across my face. It burns. Thank you. I was beginning to think I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I want her to hit me again. For every hurtful word I said. I can hear her silent tears as she stares at me.

    “ Why are you doing this?” she asks in a pleading voice. Why am I lying to you? Because I have to make you think I don’t love you. So you can leave me. Why am I hurting you? Because you leave me no choice.

    “ Sometimes the truth hurts.”

    “ That’s not the truth. You’re lying.”

    “ I’m not.” Why do you have to make this so hard?

    “ Yes you are. why?… You can’t say you don’t love me. I DARE you to say you don’t love me.” she folds her arms across her chest. Please Sydney. I beg you. Don’t make this any harder. My eyes are now boring holes in the ground. Don’t make me say it Syd. Please. I plead back.

    Then slowly I open my dry mouth. “ I don’t love . . .” I can’t say it. I love you so much and that’s why I’m doing this. I feel like giving up. I thought loving you when I shouldn’t was so hard. This is ten times worse. It’s killing me to have to lie.

    “ You coward” I hear through the streaming tears. “ You coward. You can’t even look at me when you say it.” I can’t. I sink my head further down. Down. “ Look at me!” she yells and I feel my heart pounding in my chest. “ And tell me that. Look into my eyes.” She demands. I am a coward. I can’t bring my face to look at hers. I can’t look at her hurt face and I know I was the cause.

    I slowly bring my face up. My heart stops. Her eyes are busy. They are searching for the man she loves. I’m here Sydney. It’s still me. You just can’t know that. Her eyes are so powerful I feel weak in my legs. As desperately as I try, I know she’s going to break me. I must look away. Her eyes won’t let go of their penetration. She dares me to say it. To say I don’t love her. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. “ I …” I swallow down the lump.

    But before I could utter another word, she is immediately in my face. Her arms go at me. Pounding. Grabbing. Hitting. I have never seen her like this. Like a mad woman. Yes Syd. Let it all out. Hit me. HIT ME! Let me feel your pain. Cry out if you want. And she does. Through her sobs, she lets out all her confusion. “ Why?? Why are you doing this? You must love me. In everything you do. Why let me call you in the middle of the night? Why risk your life for me? Why help me and almost drown in Taipei? Why come to SD-6 to save them from Cole? Why help my mother…the one who killed your father?” I feel her tears through my shirt. The cold tears awaken me. They burn right through my shirt and sting my skin. I shut my eyes tightly together. Trying to block out all her words. All the reminders of why I love her. She continues, “ why? Why sneak around? Why make promises? Why do all those things if you don’t love me?” I want to just wrap my arms around. It would be so easy to just hold her like all the times before. No . . .It’ll be better for her if this ends now. I suddenly grab her wrists. Return to normal Syd. I give her a shake.

    It’s over.

    “ I may have loved you at one time.” I have to let you go.

    “ Now it’s different . . .now we can finally be free to be together and you don’t feel that way anymore?” she asks still hopeful. I felt the same way Syd. I thought it WAS finally our time. But I was wrong.

    “ Yes. I was stupid. I was captured by the thrill of sneaking around. The excitement of never being caught. But now, without that aspect…you have lost your appeal.” The lies are flowing out now as long as I keep reminding myself why I am doing this. It’s all for her.

    “ I’ve now found someone . . .” This has to make her believe it’s over. “And she satisfies me in . . .every . . .way. She’s always been there. She knows me. The real me.” My mouth continues while my head is denying everything. Because there is no one. I will never find anyone like you. No one compares Syd. I will never love anyone else.

    “ Stop! STOP!” she cover her ears and shakes her head furiously. “ Just tell me…so, all this time. All this time I thought I loved you and you loved me…it was all a lie? I was nothing to you except some cheap thrill? You used me??”

    “ I had to make you think I loved you. Why else would you work so hard to bring down SD-6? The better you performed out in the field, the better praise I got back in the office. You weren’t just a thrill. You served me in other ways too.” This is it. This has to work. Pretending to be professional didn’t work. I couldn’t convince her that she didn’t love me. Telling her I didn’t love her wasn’t working. Making up a false woman hasn’t turned down her hopes. But this is going to work. Sydney Bristow hates being used. She looks back at me. Emotionless. She’s finally given up.

    She walks to the desk with the files on top. What is she doing? I simply watch. It is like an eerie déjà vu. The first day we met. I was standing watching her as she wrote her statement. That day, I knew I would never be the same. But this time, instead of being the beginning. It is the end.

    She stands up with the papers. And lets it all go. The papers fly up and then sink back down at my feet.

    “ There are your signed papers agent Vaughn. I’m done with the CIA and everyone in it. I don’t know how I could have been so blinded by you. There must have been moments of truth, but I don’t care anymore. Why should I care about someone who I hate? You’re right. I don’t know you at all.” All that’s left is sadness.

    The warehouse echoes of her clicking heels. Sydney Bristow just walked out of my life. I will never see her again. The realization hits. She’s gone. I turn around and stare the fenced walls. My hands stiffen in a fist. Then repeatedly, I smash it against the wall. Once. Twice. Did it have to end like this? Three times. You said you would never hurt her. Four. Five. Over and over. I want to scream. Harder and harder I punch. Then I stop and hang my head. I watch as the red blood drips from my knuckles and on to the papers on the floor.


    It’s the hardest thing
    I’ll ever have to do
    To look you in the eye
    And tell you I don’t love you


    It’s the hardest thing
    I’ll ever have to lie
    To show no emotion
    When you start to cry

    I can’t let you see
    What you mean to me


    It’s the hardest thing
    I’ll ever have to do
    To turn around and walk away
    Pretending I don’t love you


    I know that we’ll meet again
    Fate has a place and time
    So you can get on with your life
    I’ve got to be cruel to be kind


    Like Dr.Zhivago
    All my love I’ll be sending
    And you will never know
    Cause there can be no happy ending…







    A/N: The lyrics are from “The Hardest Thing” by 98 degrees. The song is where I got the idea for this fanfic. The rest of the fic will be in third person.
     
  4. Aliasfan23

    Aliasfan23 Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2003
    Location:
    LA
    Woah! I am soo confused, and so intersted. Keep it up. It's great!
     
  5. kleverkitten

    kleverkitten Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2003
    Oh...my........

    That was so.....angsty. I cannot believe, I, such a committed S/V shipper, just read that without crying. I think I was in shock....


    <span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!</span>

    I felt their pain!!! I am in pain!!!!
    WHY DID HE LET HER GO?!?!?!?!?!? WHY?!?!?!?!?

    Please say there is a happy ending coming. :(


    Oh yeah...don't get the wrong impression. This is a great fic. I'm just--*sob* (Now the flood of tears come.....)
     
  6. kate_jones

    kate_jones Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Ohhhh... :( That was amazing. But it was so hard to read! Not because it wasn't well written (it was!) but because you made their emotions seem so real. I love this and I hope you keep going.
     
  7. Mrs. Karie Vartan

    Mrs. Karie Vartan Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2003
    Location:
    Texas
    I'm reading!! I'm reading!! :D Wow!! This is a really good story!! I wonder what's making Vaughn act this way?? By-the-way, you are an amazing writer!! Both POVs matched perfectly with what was going on. That takes real talent...and you've definately got it!! :D (y) (y) Please continue with this story. I can't wait to see what is up with Vaughn.
    :D :D :D
    -Karie-
     
  8. btvaughn

    btvaughn Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2002
    Location:
    Ohio
    I never thought it was possible for me to hate Vaughn. ::Did I really just say that?:: That was just so strong and full of emotion. You did a wonderful job...and I can't wait for the 3rd part! (YAY!)
    The only thing I have a hard time with is how Vaughn is. I'd think it was OOC, but it's really not. You have done a wonderful job to make sense of why everything is happening! And have I read this somewhere before?
     
  9. nancee

    nancee Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2003
    Location:
    from da hood
    u did it to me again angelbleu...u made me cry...::tears::..that was so greatly written.......its so sad...its even sadder from vaguhns pov...but y did he have to break up with her?..::tears::....u HAVE to post more

    i want u u to know angelbleu..im really heartbroken rite now....i mean really heartbroken......its so sad.....<='(......its so sad...::tears::....really heartbroken.....
     
  10. totallyspies

    totallyspies Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2003
    :o that was SOOOO GOOD! Why did he break up with her? and did he have to be so harsh? *crying* :P :(
     
  11. angelbleu

    angelbleu Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2002
    Aliasfan23 - oh why are you confused??? Is it as to why Vaughn is acting a little "not-like-himself"? I think it'll be answered later.... but you now know that he was just pretending right?? Thanks for reading :D

    kleverkitten - I warned you it was gonna be angsty....lol... *here's a tissue* and I dunno how I could do it either. :o I am the BIGGEST S/V shipper. but am also a fan of ANGST. lol. Thank you. I'm sorry to make y'all sad, but you all made me happy.

    kate_jones - awwww thank you. It was difficult/sad for me to write at first because I had to see the whole scenerio a gazillion times in my head before.

    Mrs. Karie Vartan - I SEE that you are reading. {HUGS} for you too. lol. Thanks so much. I'm glad you commented on the POV matching....it was one of the things I tried to work on, and appreciate that you noticed.

    btvaughn - I was kinda going for the effect of Vaughn being out of character, but in character at the same time so thank you for your comment. Maybe you have read it somewhere....are you a member of SD-1 boards?

    iL0v3vAuGhN - {{MORE HUGS}} Sorry... :( I know it's sad from Vaughn's POV...but at least you know that he still loves her and only doing it FOR her. :D

    totallyspies - It is hard to imagine Vaughn being harsh. He's so sweet. Hopefully to calm everyone's fears...

    keep these lyrics in mind:

    I know that we’ll meet again
    Fate has a place and time


    Till Tomorrow....:D Thanks a bunch everyone :D
     
  12. nancee

    nancee Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2003
    Location:
    from da hood
    u gotta post more soon....::tears::...i need another hug....::looks for someone to hug::....
     
  13. Trish

    Trish Creative Genius at Work

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2002
    Why, oh why did I come to read this again? *sobbing* Oh, I know why! Because this is a wonderful fic!!!

    I love it, you know that!!!!! :D :D Just... great... beautiful..... aaaaaah... :LOL:

    Alright, I'll go recompose myself now. :P
     
  14. Kristina

    Kristina Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2003
    Location:
    CHICAGO
    This story kicks major a**! :D I love it keep going! :D
     
  15. Ames47

    Ames47 Amy Strikes Back

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2003
    Location:
    the outskirts of HELL
    holly hell!! omg im am sobbing right now!!! angelbleu wow this is sooo incrediably good!!! why is vaugh being such an ass he has to explain it to syd!! oh please write more soooon!!!! :o
     
  16. Addicted to Alias

    Addicted to Alias Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2003
    Wow, Wow, and WOW!!!! What happened????? Why did Vaughn do that??? Did sloane treaten to kill syd or something???? Wow, ::deep breaths, deep breaths:: Ok, I don't hate Vaughn, but Why????????? I really feel like crying. This is going to be resolved, right??????? POst more, plaese :( :nervous: :no: (y) :help: :rip: :vaughn1: :syd1:
     
  17. angelbleu

    angelbleu Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2002
    LOL. I love reading your reactions. Well here's the next installment. I dunno if it clears anything up or not though.... :unsure:

    The Hardest Thing


    Part Three


    I know that we’ll meet again
    Fate has a place and time
    So you can get on with your life . . . .

    Like Dr.Zhivago
    All my love I’ll be sending
    And you will never know . . . .




    Seven months has passed. With every passing day, Sydney Bristow is learning to regain her life. She is trying to move on from the loss of a loved one. Michael Vaughn had died. In her mind and in her heart. It was only natural for her to go through the process of mourning. First it was denial. She would go to the places they had been and imagine that he would come. It didn’t make sense to her that first month. She was still trying to figure it out. According to her IQ, she is supposed to be great at solving problems. But she couldn’t figure out why things had ended that way.

    Then came anger. Angry at herself for being so stupid. She had on several occasions lashed out unintentionally at her friends. They didn’t know what to do with her. Just tried to stay out of her way. But mostly, she was mad at him. In fits of uncontrolled anger, she’d rip up the letters that he wrote to her and throw the picture frame against the wall. But afterwards, she’d always end up on the floor, sobbing over the frame and piecing the papers back together. She didn’t have a picture of him. Wasn’t allowed to. But it was good in a way because it helped the process.

    After anger, she tried to bargain. She wanted him back. Sometimes she’d make herself believe that she would change everything if only he wanted her back. She could be that other woman. She knew she could. She’d go over how things could have gone wrong. If only she had seen it coming. But there was no way she could have. It was so abrupt. Like day and night. If only she could have prevented his change of heart. Not be too easy or desperate. When she finally realized she was not to blame, the worst stage hit.

    Depression. Had she gone through this with Danny? She couldn’t even remember. She doesn’t remember this stage. The days seemed to all blend together. She didn’t know if she was stuck in that trance for days or weeks. All she remembers is the empty feeling. And she never wants to go back to that dark place. With the help of her friends, came acceptance and moving on.

    Sydney Bristow takes in the fresh morning air. Life IS beautiful. The sun is shining. The towering buildings of LA don’t even seem menacing. There’s something about today. It feels like the start. But of what? She smiles at the irony of her feeling. This is how she had imagined the end of SD-6 to feel like. Seven months late.

    She as continues walking and enjoying the view around her. As she spots the building that has become familiar to her in the last month, her spirits lift even more. Then she sees someone walking towards her. It’s okay, you can do this, she says to herself.

    “ Sydney! ” the man calls out as he closes the gap between them. She tells herself to stay still as she watches him speed up almost to a jog to reach her. He brings his hand to catch his breath as he greets her. “ Hi . . .”

    “ Hi Weiss,” she answers politely and gives him a smile. This is awkward. She hasn’t seen him since the take over at SD-6. Vaughn had always been the bridge between their friendship and now that he was gone, there is no link.

    “ How have you been? What are you doing here?” she asks all the normal questions to ease the awkwardness.

    “ uh. . .well every week . . .I come to visit my grandmother.” He says as he points his thumb to the building behind them. He is sweating bullets at the uncomfortable situation.

    “ That’s nice.”

    “ um…” Weiss is not helping to ease the tension with all his um’s and uh’s. “ How have YOU been?” he finally gets the courage to ask. He smiles back in a concerned manner. She wants to tell him that she’s all right and that he doesn’t need to look at her like a fragile piece of China.

    “ I’ve been good,” she nods her response because she really feels it. The last month has been good for her. It has. Almost back to the way things were, but not exactly. There will always be a piece missing.

    “ That’s great Sydney. I know how you and . . .”

    “ How’s work?” she quickly cuts him off. She didn’t even realize that she couldn’t talk about what happened.

    “ It’s going smoothly. I’m still a desk jockey. That bullet in the neck years ago really did it for me with the field work. But I’m handling a double now. It’s tough.”

    Sydney looks down at the floor. He sees that she hasn’t moved on as easily as she made it seem. “ Yeah . . .it is.” She says quietly. Then she lifts her head up. “ But I’m sure you can . . .handle . . .it.” And gives a little chuckle. “ I’m sorry. That was terrible,” she brings her hand to cover her face.

    “ No! that was good.” He laughs with her.

    “ How’s . . .uh . . .everyone at the office?” she can’t believe she just asked that. Now the awkwardness is back.

    “ Everyone is good except for one person. Not job related. ” She starts to bite the corner of her lower lip.

    “ Everything isn’t all good with that person and the girl of his dreams?” She should have more self control, but she doesn’t care. She still has a little bit of the left over anger. But she quickly apologizes. “ I’m sorry Weiss. That was not called for.”

    “ Sydney, you can call me Eric. And I understand. But you should know that he isn’t with the girl of his dreams.”

    Sydney’s heart flutters a little. No. He can’t have this effect on you, she tells herself. He broke your heart. She shouldn’t care anymore. She doesn’t.

    “ He actually isn’t . . .” Weiss continues.

    “ You know what? I don’t care how he is.”

    “ But Sydney, you should know . . .”

    “ No!” she holds up her hand to stop him. She doesn’t want to hear anymore about how he is. What his problems are with his girlfriend. She just can’t do it.

    “ Look Eric, I want us to be on good terms. As friends. And if this conversation continues down the path its going, I don’t see that happening.” She says sincerely.

    “ Okay.” He nods. He understands she’s not ready. And it isn’t even his place to tell her. But he can’t stand what’s going on between these two. It is obvious that they love each other. Vaughn is stupid for pushing her away. And now, even if he wants her back, she is clearly trying to move on.

    “ I have to go. It was nice seeing you Eric.”

    “ Yeah, you too. And Syd?” She lifts her head to look at him. “ You’re really okay?”

    “ Yes. I am keeping myself busy with things that are important now. Thanks. See you.” She smiles and waves as she walks away.

    That’s right. She has been coming to this building for three days a week. This is the first time she has come on a Sunday though. When she and Danny were going out, she’d come by the hospital often to meet with him on lunch breaks. Since Danny died, she had stopped coming. Then one day two months ago, she saw one of the ladies at the desk in a supermarket. She had invited her to volunteer if she had the time. She returned home that night with a new-found hope. She has always been a compassionate person and it will do her good to do something useful again.

    “ Hey Sydney,” a young nurse at the desk on the fourth floor greets her. “ You’re getting to be a real regular around here.”

    “ Hi Julie,” Sydney smiles back. “ What shall I start with today?”

    “ Well, Sunday is flowers day.” She points to a cart with three boxes of blooming flowers. Roses, daisies, violets, tulips. Sydney’s eyes light up at seeing the beautiful colors. “ You can go to each of the rooms and take out the wilting ones from last week and put the fresh ones in. Be creative with your arrangement. Our patients like it better that way.” She gives her a wink. Sydney likes Julie. She is a just an upbeat person. Being around sick people has made her shine brighter.

    Sydney pushes the cart down the hallway. The fourth floor is one where patients stay for various things. Everyone is here. Little kids. Old grandfathers. People who need to stay for awhile. She quickly makes her way down and stops at the last one. She gets a funny feeling in her stomach. She looks up and sees the number on the door: 470. She lets out a sigh, that’s what it is. Gosh, that stupid number. It always gives her the creeps. She tells herself to ease away the feeling in her stomach. “Your being silly,” she thinks to herself. “ It’s not like Rambaldi is going to be lying on the bed in this room.” Even so, she slowly and carefully pushes the door open.

    This is weird. The curtain is pulled across to hide the bed. She guesses that no one is here and that is an indication. Sydney contemplates not putting flowers in this room, but then looks our at the corner with the sagging flowers. They just look so pathetic that she decides to arrange the flowers for this empty room as well.

    She slowly takes the half crumpled ones out and lays them on the small counter. She takes the big sunflower and places it in the vase first. As she picks up the rose to admire it, she hears something.

    The groan almost scares her half to death and she jumps up a little. Why is she so jittery? As the sound of a man groaning again, she realizes that there is someone in here. Why do they have the curtains up if someone is here? There must be a reason, so she puts the question aside and continue with her flower arrangement.

    The person mumbles something and her ears perk up.

    “ Sorry . . .” the voice says groggily. Sydney holds her breath in anticipation of what’s next. Should she call someone? Maybe this person needs help. But it doesn’t sound like he’s awake.

    “ I didn’t mean to . . .” it continues softly. She doesn’t know what takes over, but she starts to slowly walk towards the curtain.

    With every step closer, she hears him better.

    “ So sorry . . .” he says out of breath. “ to hurt you . . .”


    She lets out a gasp as she recognizes the voice. Could it? No, she shakes the thought away. She thinks to herself, “You were just talking to Weiss and that’s why you think you see and hear him everywhere.” This happened to her before. Sometimes when she gets extremely lonely, she sees him. But it becomes so much harder when she realizes that he isn’t there at all. But it sounds so much like him.

    She is only inches from the bed.

    “ I didn’t mean to . . .forgive me”

    Sydney brings her shaky hands up to the edge of the curtain. Her heart is beating faster and faster to the point where she can hear it in her ears. Her cheeks are burning up but her hands are ice cold. She grabs onto the cloth and slowly moves it to the left. She sees the end of the bed. . .

    “ Sydney!” A high pitched voice from the door forces her to let go and spin around. She grabs at her chest to see the head nurse. She is now breathing heavily.

    “ I need your help really quickly on the second floor.” The head nurse calls out gesturing for her to come with her.

    “ uh sure,” her voice cracks. And she clears her throat but follows out the door. When she is halfway out, she turns to give a glance back at the foot of the bed, which she had exposed.

    There is a major spill on the second floor. All the nurses have to tend to some patients, so the volunteers are ordered to clean up. The whole time Sydney’s body is mindlessly mopping and wiping, she could think of nothing else but who was in room 470. She repeatedly tells herself that it can’t be. Can’t be him. Can’t be. But whoever it is, she is intrigued. She works faster and faster furiously cleaning up so she could return back to the fourth floor. Once she is done, her legs carry her quickly. She contemplates using the elevator, but the stairs would be quicker. She practically sprints up the stairs and rushes past the front desk to barely hear Julie’s “ Hey, you’re back.”

    She freezes at the door and stares at: 470. This can’t be a coincidence. She walks right in and grabs the curtain. Flings it open and gasps.

    It is empty. The bed is empty. No, no. Someone was here. She couldn’t have dreamed up the voice. She is not going crazy… Or is she? She wants to break down right there, but this isn’t the place. She rushes out of the room and down the hallway.

    Slightly out a breath and light-headed, she hovers over the front desk. Julie just stares at her in confusion.

    “ Sydney, are you okay?”

    She takes a deep breath. “ Was there a patient in room 470?” she lets out in a frustrated tone.

    Julie nods her head slowly. “ Yeah. But they just had to take him down to another floor.”

    Sydney almost collapses from relief. So she wasn’t going crazy. “ Why?”

    “ He was getting a little delirious and saying things so they took him for more tests.”

    “ What was he saying?” she asks urgently.

    “ Um, something about being sorry and hurting someone he loves. What’s going on? ”

    “ Do you know who the patient was?” Sydney’s hands are taping on the desk. Her eyes are frantic and her head is dizzy. “ Julie!”

    Julie is startled by her outburst. “ I . . .I don’t know. He came to our floor two days ago when I wasn’t here and they just took his file when they carried him out a few minutes ago . . . I don’t know anything.”

    Sydney closes her eyes in disappointment. Now she’ll never know. She brings her hand to rub her face. She needs to go home and take a cold shower.

    “ I can’t stay any longer today,” she says sadly as she walks towards the elevator.

    “ Hey Syd,” Julie calls when as she takes a few steps away. “ Getting attached to some of the patients here? It happens . . .”
     
  18. nancee

    nancee Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2003
    Location:
    from da hood
    ahhhhhhhhhh noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! dont come crwaling back to him!!!!!!!!!!!!! he hurt u remember!?!!?!?!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? dont htink bout him!!!! who cares!!! syd!!!! no!!!!!suck it up! get over him!!!!
     
  19. angelbleu

    angelbleu Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2002
    Interesting response....:LOL: That's the first time anyone has had that response. They usually want them to be together....j/k. ;)
     
  20. Kristina

    Kristina Rocket Ranger

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2003
    Location:
    CHICAGO
    Oh my god that is so good! I am like crying in the middle of class. I'm not kidding, at least i'm sitting in the back.
     

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