There should be a Jerry Springer episode on this subject...I think it would go something like this:
CROWD: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
JERRY S : Well, welcome to the show. If you just tuned in, today's topic is:"
My Real Dad May Be An Evil Rambaldi Lunatic".
CROWD: CHEERS AND BOO'S WILDLY
Jerry S: She's an agent for the CIA, and has been missing for the past two years-with no memory of ever being gone-her mother is KGB and -get this- her dad is CIA! Of course we're talking about none other than- Sydney Bristow!
CROWD ROARS WITH CHEERS AND WHISTLES
SYDNEY: Thank you Jerry.
JERRY S: Well, Sydney! It seems you have another problem on hands now-care to explain to the people at home?
SYDNEY:Sure. You see, Jack has been my dad for my whole life-well, actually nannies raised me after my KGB mother had faked her death--oh, yeah-Jack also trained me to be a spy when I was little-anyway back to the point. Now I find out that
Sloane-my evil Rambaldi obsessed ex-boss-now supposedly turned good guy--may be my REAL father!!
CROWD: WOW!
JACK: You people act as if it's the first time an evil guy turned out be a good guy's-well, girl's in this case--father! Was I the only one to see "The Empire Strike's Back"?
SLOANE: Jack, my friend, how many times do I have to tell you--I'm not a bad guy anymore. I'm a new man. Remeber, "Peace".
SYDNEY: SHUT UP SLOANE! PEACE MY --BLEEP--! YOUR NOT FOOLING ANYBODY!
CROWD STANDS AND CHEERS
JACK: That's my girl. You tell him, honey.
SYDNEY with a smile: Thanks dad-uh...if you are my dad..
JERRY: Well, we have a surprise guest for all of you....COME ON OUT IRINA!
SYDNEY: MOM?!!
JACK AND SLOANE: IRINA?!
IRINA: Hello, Sydney.....Jack..(nods towards him)...Sloane.(gives him the "Irina Derevko -cold as ice -Stare")
JERRY S: What is she doing here, you ask? Irina is here to find out the results of the paternity test.
SYDNEY: OH, MY GOSH! You mean you
really did sleep with Sloane?!!
SLOANE smiles smuggly
JACK to Sloane: Go ahead. Keep smiling. It'll just give me a better shot to knock ALL your teeth out.
IRINA: Yes, I slept with Sloane. But Sydney you have to understand....it was the 70's...swapping partners was "the thing to do" back then.
JACK
h,Please, Irina! It was only just that one time we swapped partners!..and we were
very high!
SYDNEY: WHAT?!!
SLOANE: Don't look so shocked, Sydney. It was normal to be "high" back then too.
JACK: Enough of this useless banter! Is Sydney my daughter or isn't she? Because even if she is NOT, she will always be my little girl, despite what my ex-wife and ex friend do or say. (takes Sydney's hand, and turns towards her) I just wanted you to know that.
SYDNEY * in tears and with faint smile across her lips*: Thank you...dad.
SLOANE: Over my dead body!
JACK/IRINA: That shouldn't be a problem.
*Sloane rolls his eyes* and WHISPERS: as if!...
JERRY S: I have the test results in my hand. But before I say the results, lets go to my final thought--You know it dosen't matter who your biological parents are. What matters is--
IRINA: READ THE RESULTS!!!! OR YOUR THROAT WILL MEET MY KNIFE!
JERRY S: Ok, FINE!...But I'm only doing it because I want to!-And it's NOT because I know you've killed in cold-blood before!
JERRY S: SLOANE- You ARE NOT the father of Sydney.
*JACK AND SYDNEY BREATHE A SIGH OF RELEIF AND HUG*
JERRY S: JACK- You ARE NOT the father of Sydney either!.
CROWD: GASPS
SYDNEY/JACK: HUH?!
JERRY S: KENDELL is your REAL father, Sydney! We did a secret test after your mother confessed to sleeping with Kendell-in order to get information out of him that Jack wasn't able to provide.
CROWD: KENDELL! KENDELL! KENDELL!
SLOANE: But....but...
JACK: I KNEW IT!
SYDNEY/SLOANE: YOU DID?!
JACK: No. But I wished I did. I could of killed him last season when he was guest starring!.....hey, where did your mother go? She has some explain'n to do!
*empty seat where Irina should have been* * Jack stomps off stage followed by Sloane and Sydney, where they get into a black tinted limo back to the CIA headquarters*
JERRY S: That's are show for today. Thank you for joining us. Untill next time, I'm Jerry Springer!
Honestly, Jack has to be Syd's dad. Because if he isn't --I'll be in denial 'till the day Alias ends for good! <_<