A Problem Solved

sugababyboo

mrs. charlie
A Problem Solved
by sugababyboo
Rating-R for course language and sexy sauciness, you'll know what I mean when you read it.
Genre-Comedy/Spoof/crossover
Spoilers-Only Mrs. Vaughn's first name.
Disclaimer-MTV owns the Osbournes, and ABC, Touchstone, Bad Robot own Alias
Author's note-This is short little fic I wrote LAST year when Vaughn had reunited with Alice. Like a lot of you I am a strong S/V shipper and I'm not loving the idea that Vaughn is married. So, I made the proper corrections and I have replaced Alice with Lauren aka Mrs. Vaughn. Oh and Mrs. Vaughn does not know that Vaughn works for the CIA in this story. I hope you enjoy it!

Terrified, Lauren frantically ran away from her determined pursuer: Donovan. The stout little bulldog chased after his master’s wife until she stepped onto a paved road. She turned around and felt her mouth drop open; Donovan just sat there in the field, watching her. A car charged towards her as she screamed she stared at the car.
She awoke to find herself panting while cold droplets of sweat ran off her forehead. Michael on the other hand was fast asleep on his side of the bed. She felt something paw at her leg and immediately; she pulled the comforter away to find Donovan grasping onto her leg.
“Aaaaaahhhhhh!” She screamed.
“What?” Michael asked while keeping his eyes closed.
“Why is Donovan on the bed?!”
“Sometimes he likes to do that, you don’t have to scream about it. Just go to sleep.”
“But Michael…” He began snoring. While keeping her eyes on Donovan, she pulled the cover over herself and closed her eyes.

The next morning, she awoke to Donovan sitting on the bed glaring down at her. As she sat up she kept her eyes on him and called out Michael’s name. He walked in as he fixed his tie.
“What is it?” He asked as he put on his coat.
“Donovan, he was… watching me.”
“So?”
“I was sleeping.”
“Why is it so creepy for him to watch you in your sleep, he’s a guard dog. He’s protective. I have another business trip.”
“Where is the bank taking you today?”
“Milan and I’m dropping Donovan off at Lola’s. Meanwhile, you should get some rest and relax,” he kissed her on the forehead. “Come on Donovan,” he said as he walked out. Before leaving the room, Donovan glared back at Lauren and growled at her. She yelped and grasped the comforter and watched him as he left.

“Hello Darling!” Sharon said after letting Michael in. “How are you?” They kissed each other on the cheek.
“I’m good,” he replied as he unlatched Donovan’s leash from his collar. Lola came over to Donovan and they licked each other’s faces. “How has everyone been?”
“Great, Kelly is off doing another video, Jack is working at the label and Ozzy is working out.”
“And you?”
“I’m doing pretty well, it seems that my cancer has gone into remission.”
“Good,” he smiled.
“So, how’s Sydney?”
“Sharon, why do always ask how Sydney is doing but you never do the same for Lauren?”
“Honestly, I don’t give a sh*t about her because I think she’s a f**king twit. But enough about her, how about Sydney?”
“Sharon not this again.”
“We wouldn’t be having this conversation again if you would just take my advice.”
“Sharon, Sydney and I work with each other and I’m with Lauren. Besides, it’s against protocol.”
“Oh f**k protocol! You two work at a bank; it’s not as if you would be shot for having a relationship. Besides, I see the way you two looked at each at her friends restaurant, you would be a f**king idiot if you didn’t act on it.”
He sighed and kissed her on the cheek again. “Eric is going to get Donovan on Sunday. I’ll see ya soon though, bye.” He opened the door and walked out.
She watched as he left and said, “That f**king Lauren, she’s going to ruin him.” Donovan and Lola barked in agreement. “Exactly.”

The flight to Milan was tedious for Michael; so, he tried to keep himself occupied by reading a sports magazine. His mobile phone rang; it was Sydney.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hey,” he replied.
“How’s your flight been so far?”
“Boring, and yours?”
“The same. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“I hear it in your voice, tell me.”
He sighed. “When I dropped Donovan at the Osbournes, Sharon and I had a talk.”
“About what?”
“Lauren.”
“Oh. I see.”
“She doesn’t like her.”
“What makes you say that?”
“I think her exact words were, ‘I don’t give a sh*t about Lauren, because I think she’s a f**king twit.’
“Huh, really,” she held back her laughter. “You gotta love Sharon for her honesty.”
“She asked about you. How did you two become so close? You’ve only picked up Donovan twice from her house.”
“I guess we just clicked. They’re good people, their dogs are great but I think Jack might have a crush on me.”
He laughed and said, “Who wouldn’t?” Realizing what he just said he clamped his mouth shut.
“What?!”
“Nevermind, I didn’t say anything.”
“Ok.” There was an awkward silence between them.
“Anyways, she said that Lauren wasn’t right for me and she’s right.”
“Really?” She smiled.
“Yeah, I think I’m going to end it. Trying to live a normal life is pointless in what we do. I mean, the only thing that I want, I can’t have.”
“Ditto.”
“I gotta go, I’m in Milan.”
“Me too, bye.”
“Bye.”

To unwind, Sharon and Ozzy sat on the couch in the kitchen with all of their dogs (including Donovan) by their side. Ozzy gently pushed Lola of his lap and went into the kitchen.
“Darling, what are you doing?” Sharon asked.
“I-I-I’m going to eat some of leftover’s from yesterday,” he pulled open the refrigerator.
“Can you get me some mashed potatoes?”
“Do you want gra-.”
“No, I do not want any of that f**king gravy on it.”
“Oh come on Sharon!”
“Ozzy, I ate almost one f**king gallon of that gravy yesterday. I do not want anymore.”
“I’m a f**king rockstar!”
“Well I’m your f**king manager and your wife, and I do not want any of that f**king gravy.”
“Right then,” he said as he poured the gravy on her mashed potatoes. Just then, Mike, their security guard walked in.
“Hey Mike,” Sharon and Ozzy said.
“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Osbourne. Mr. Michael’s wife is here, Miss Lauren.”
“What the f**k does that dimwit want?” Sharon asked.
“She said that she wants to take Donovan for the weekend.”
“Michael didn’t tell us that.”
“That’s what she said Mrs. Osbourne.”
“Don’t let her in, she’s a f**king wobbler like that Will character. With his ‘HOOH’ scream, what the f**k is that?!”
“Oh! Ozzy I have a plan! Mike, you open the gate and let her in and Ozzy you come over here.”
“All right Mrs. Osbourne whatever you say,” Mike said before walking out.
When Lauren knocked on the front door, Sharon answered it. She wore a black shawl and held a crucifix in one hand.
“Mrs. Osbourne-,” Lauren began to speak.
“Silence fiend!” Sharon said in a low voice. “You must go before you enter the passageway to hell!”
“What?!”
“And here comes its ruler and his minions!” Sharon stepped to the side to let Lauren see Ozzy walking down the stairs holding a rifle while all the dogs trailed behind him.
“I’m the Prince of f**king darkness! Now go before I send my minions after you!” Scared, Lauren just stood there. “My minions, seize her!” All the dogs headed straight for her.
“WOOH!” Lauren screamed as she ran to her car and drove off.
Both of them laughed as Sharon closed the door while Ozzy embraced her waist with one arm.
“I love you Sharon.”
“I love you too Darling.”
“I don’t think that f**king wobbler will ever come back here again.”
“Me too Darling.”

“Damn it,” Sharon said as she looked through the refrigerator. “It looks like I need to go grocery shopping.” All the dogs barked. “Of course you can all come with me!” Happily they all wagged their tails.

After pulling into the supermarket’s parking lot, Sharon turned to the dogs and said, “I’m sorry, but because of some f**king health code rule I can only sneak two of you in my purse. So Minnie, and Pipi you two are coming with me,” she said as she put them in her purse. “Now, I’ll leave the windows open so you all can get enough air, be good!” Soon after, Donovan and Lola jumped into the front seats and looked outside the windows. He cocked his head to the side when he saw Lauren walking down the street; he glanced at the construction site a few feet ahead of her and an idea popped into his head.

As Lauren walked by the construction site, she heard a familiar bark.
“Donovan?” She said as she stared at him sitting in the operator’s seat of a crane. He titled his head up causing her to follow his gaze. Her eyes widen as she saw an anvil heading straight for her. Within seconds the anvil landed on her thin body killing her instantly. Immediately, a group of construction workers rushed to Lauren’s side. One of them looked at the crane and saw Donovan sitting in the operator’s seat.
“George!” The worker screamed as he pulled at his boss’s sleeve.
“What Carlos?!” George asked.
“Look!” He pointed at the crane’s operating seat but Donovan was nowhere to be found.
“This isn’t a time to be joking around! This lady could be dead, have some decency!”
“I’m not kidding there was a bulldog right there! I think he’s the one that dropped the anvil on this lady!”
“Whatever Carlos!”
“I’m serious!” He said as he ran over to the crane. His jaw dropped when he saw a pawprint in the sand. He ran back to George and dragged him over to the sand, only to find that the pawprint was gone.
“Carlos, I’m giving you the rest of the day off, you’re not feeling well.” He went back to Lauren to help pull the anvil off of her with his co-workers.
“I’m not going crazy,” Carlos said to himself. He looked across the street and saw Donovan glaring at him while seating in the backseat of Sharon’s car as she drove away from the market.

Kelly, Sharon, Ozzy and the dogs sat in the kitchen watching the evening news. Lauren’s freak accident was one of the top headlines and Carlos was interviewed, saying that bulldog was to blame.
“Wait a minute, Donovan did you drop that anvil on that f**king twit?” Sharon asked. He merely gave her his famous puppy eyes.
“Oh you crazy motherf**ker! You killed that wobbler! That’s a good boy!” Ozzy said as he scratched behind Donovan’s ears.
“I completely agree. I’m sorry but no one as hot as Michael should be with a f**king wobbler that looks old enough to be his mother. Wait, scratch that I’ve seen Michael’s mother and she f**king beautiful. Lauren on the other hand was a f**king troll,” Kelly said.
“Well now she’s a f**king dead troll!” Sharon said.
Mike the security guard walked in. “Hello Miss Kelly, Mr. And Mrs. Osbourne.”
“Hey Mike,” they all replied.
“Mr. William is here to pickup Donovan,” Mike said.
“I thought Eric was supposed to get him? Not that f**king wobbler Will!” Ozzy said.
“Don’t worry,” Kelly assured her Dad. “Mother and I have an idea. Mike, you go and let that f**king wobbler in, and Dad you go upstairs.”
After knocking on the Osbournes door, Will stood idly on their front porch.
“Hey wobbler!” Ozzy screamed from a window above the porch while holding a television. “Heads up!” He dropped the television.
“HOOH!” Will screamed as he stepped backwards avoiding the television.
“Oh f**king lord I missed!”
The front door swung open and Kelly and Sharon stood on the threshold.
“Get the f**king wobbler, minions!” They both screamed to the dogs as they pointed at Will.
“HOOH!” Will screamed as he runaway from the pack of dogs. They all laughed as they watched him drive off.

Three months later Vaughn moved on Lauren’s death and started to have a secret love affair with Sydney. While in the middle of some lovin’ in Sydney’s bedroom, Vaughn screamed out, “Am I your daddy?!”
“Yes daddy!” She replied.
“Yes honey?” Jack said before opening the door and walking in on them.
“Oh my god!” Sydney screamed as she fell off the bed. Enraged, Jack headed straight for Vaughn. “Haul ass honey!” She screamed as threw him his clothes. Quickly, Vaughn jumped out the window with his clothes in hand. Jack was hot on his trail but luckily Vaughn jumped into his car and drove off. While driving, Sydney called him and told him that Jack now thinks their tryst was just a one time fling. She told him the new location of their secret tryst, the Osbournes’ spare bedroom. They both met there and had sweet lovin all night long.
The End
 
:lol: :rotflmao: :laughbounce: :clap: omg *dies from laughing* haha omg. that was so awsome suga! hehe Donovan's cute and creepy at the same time!! :woot: the Osbourns. so great.

You killed Lauren :woot: yay! :lol: anyways that was awsome. but... Must move this to R-rated section.... Moving...


--Mandy :angelic:
 
mystery_chick said:
:lol: :rotflmao: :laughbounce: :clap: omg *dies from laughing* haha omg. that was so awsome suga! hehe Donovan's cute and creepy at the same time!! :woot: the Osbourns. so great.

You killed Lauren :woot: yay! :lol: anyways that was awsome. but... Must move this to R-rated section.... Moving...


--Mandy :angelic:
hahah sorry, I'm so used to posting fics in general fic. Yes, Lauren's death by anvil will be a classic.
 
hahahahahahahaha!! die lauren die die die!! (not that i have envisioned her dying since she married vaughn.....im not evil...no siree!)
haahahahahahahahaha!!! GREAT STORY!!
 
YES!! that was amazing!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

hehe i love the osbournes. and lauren killed with an anvil.. hehe i wish it were true!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! "haul ass honey!" o man that was my favourite part!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
 
THATS WAS F**KING HILARIOUS!! hahaha!!
i want more though!! you got to continue with the this!!
 
Back
Top