A Sleepless Night


Mar 7, 2004
A/N: This is what Vaughn was thinking as he went to bed after Sydney hung up on him when he told her he was staying with Lauren. Companion to Underneath It All. It's not necessary to read that to understand this, though. Enjoy and please review.

A Sleepless Night

It’s late, and I’m in bed
But there are so many thoughts running through my head;
I can’t sleep, I can’t relax
And tonight, all of these feelings have been heightened to the max

I just talked to Sydney, and I could hear the wariness in her voice
When I told her that starting us again now was not going to be my choice
She hung up before I had said all that I wanted to say
A moment like this one makes me think that things between us aren’t going to be okay

She spoke softly, and I could tell that she was trying to hold back tears
That were all coming from the same pain she had felt for far too many years
And this time, I am the cause of it, and the guilt is killing me
It’s what’s keeping me up now; that and the fact the end to these feelings is too far away to see

I can’t help but think back to when we first met
There was so much emotion, good and bad, and we hadn’t even gotten our feet wet
She didn’t trust me, but I made it clear that she could
When she finally smiled at me, it gave me hope that she would

It’s five years later now, and I can still clearly see her brilliant smile –
Something that I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing in quite a while
Everything is so tense between us;
If we’re ever to move forward, clearing the air is a must

We need to talk, really talk, and work out the tension,
Even say the things we’d rather not mention
Like how I had to move on when I thought she was dead
Or how she’s been dealing with my being wed

Here I am, thinking about working things out with Sydney, when
I’m lying next to my wife who went to bed without me again
To say we’re having problems is a vast understatement
But we’re trying to repair things in the marriage department

It was only days ago when I said that we should separate
There were so many things about her that I could no longer appreciate
It just felt like the chemistry between us was wrong
And that we’d been trying to make something work that just couldn’t for too long

But now, it’s my obligation to stay;
I can’t just pack up and go on my way
When my wife needs the support of someone she loves,
Someone who understands, and someone who won’t judge

It’s not that I love her, and it’s not that I don’t;
I don’t know what I’m feeling now for her, but whatever it is, I know that it won’t
Go away until she’s strong enough to manage on her own
And when that time comes, will I be strong enough to step back out into the unknown?

Because there’s a part of me inside that’s reserved for one person
And the more time I spend apart from her, the more the feeling worsens
She’s more important to me than I could have ever dreamed
And now it’s all more complicated that it has ever seemed

I have no plans for after the chaos of my father-in-law’s death subsides
Right now, it’s as if whole worlds have decided to collide
All at once, and the only thing I can do is hold on and wait for it to end
For this to have a happy ending would be a godsend

I imagine that I’ll eventually leave Lauren and return to my heart’s true desire
But I won’t say that for sure now and have myself be called a liar
It’s just the natural progression that I think time will present to me
And when it happens, I’ll be ready to take hold and not look back, you’ll see

Because I’m still in love with Sydney.

~ ~
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