ALIAS Top Ten Lists (with apologies to Letterman)

From the Joint Task Force Command Center in Los Angeles, California…

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT SHOULD HAVE TIPPED OFF JACK BRISTOW THAT HIS FAVORITE WIFE WAS ACTUALLY AN EVIL SOVIET SPY:

10. Vodka in the morning, vodka with lunch, vodka at evening meal, midnight vodka break.

9. Favorite secret nickname for hubby: Big Ivan.

8. Slitting the throat of the waiter who screwed up their dinner order was a little…much.

7. Laura: "Jack, Syd, dinner's ready!" Syd: "Mom, please not borscht AGAIN?!"

6. Giggled whenever Bill Vaughn made any reference to ‘future plans’.

5. Her explanation for the 38th time Jack caught her rifling through his briefcase at 3:00 am (“Uh…honey, I was…sleepwalking yeah that’s the ticket!”) was really kind of lame.

4. Whenever Jack complained about credit card bills, her use of the phrase ‘capitalist swine’ in the ensuing heated argument highly suspicious.

3. Chistmas morning, 1980: Santa left Jack a shiny new infra-red laser-enhanced sniper scope, Syd a shiny new Spy Barbie, and Laura a shiny chunk of bituminous, again.

2. It was really damn strange how every time Jack mentioned he and his spybuddies were going overseas ‘on business’, the enemy always seemed to know exactly where they would be, when they would be there, and what they were doing, but somehow always got Jack’s hotel room number wrong for the bomb with his name on it.

and the number one sign that should have made Jack Bristow suspicious...

1. When watching Rocky and Bullwinkle with little Sydney, showed disconcerting tendency to root for Boris and Natasha.
 
From the Joint Task Force Command Center in Los Angeles, California…

TOP TEN THINGS YOUNG JACK BRISTOW DID MANAGE TO KEEP SECRET FROM ‘LAURA’:

10. How much he hated her borscht. (“Yeah, honey, it’s…delicious, just delicious!” Sydney makes face.)

9. Well, to be honest, the green dress DID make her butt look bigger.

8. Yeah, he did think Mrs. Vaughn was kind of cute.

7. When he was supposed to be taking Sydney to ballet recital, they were really at the amusement park.

6. Only started dating Laura because the girl he had loved since 3rd grade died tragically in a hit and run car crash….hey wait a minute…

5. When Laura, Emily, and the other wives were on their ‘girls’ night out’, he and Sydney would toss out the healthy, nutritionally balanced food she left for them, eat pizza and ice cream until they got sick and stay up late watching TV.

4. The tattoo of ‘LB’ didn’t really stand for ‘Laura Bristow’, if you know what I mean…

3. How much he hated it when she got drunk on cheap vodka and sang Bob Dylan songs.

2. The Top Secret CIA Mission where his ‘cover’ was one of the judges for the 1977 Miss Nude World Beauty Pageant.

and the Number One Secret that young Jack Bristow managed to keep from Laura...

1. That weird STD Arvin Sloane somehow picked up in Thailand.
 
Top Ten Reasons Why Syd and Vaughn Should Be Together

1. They are total soulmates!

2. They are both spies

3. Even when Vaughn was married he still thought of Sydney constantly!

4. After 2 years they were still madly in love!

5. They are both spies!

6. They would make the hottest babies on the planet! ha ha They are both majorly hott! ha ha

7. Everyone in the world wants them to be together!

8. They are an awesome team while they ae on missions

9. They completely trust eachother

10. Hello?!? It is Syd and Vaughn I could go on forever! So the last one is...It is Syd and Vaughn! They are totally meant to be together!
 
From the Top Secret North American Headquarters of Irina's Derevko's Evil Organization in Newark, New Jersey...

TOP TEN THINGS SYDNEY BRISTOW HATES ABOUT BEING A BRISTOW...

10. Do you know what it costs to get bloodstains out of a silk blouse?

9. Never knowing on any given day whether Mom and Dad are going to be trying to kill each other, or threatening to give her a sibling to play with.

8. It's really kind of creepy knowing a 16th century fruitcake could look into the future and see her in the shower.

7. Just once, it would be nice to go on a family vacation without C4 being involved in any capacity.

6. Every time she falls for a guy, she has to get a DNA test just in case he turns out to be her long-long brother or something.

5. Before she dares shoot anybody, has to test DNA to make sure she's not shooting her long-lost brother or something.

4. Knowing her chances of keeping a secret from her parents are about the same as her chances of winning the Powerball.

3. Some Moms collect stamps or breed dogs as a hobby, her Mom collects 500 year old mystic machines and breeds diseases and how warped is that anyway?!

2. It's really irritating for a hot babe in her 20s to know that her mother looks better in a bikini than she does!

and the Number One thing Syndey Bristow hates about being a Bristow...

1. Just once, she'd like to kill an enemy and have him or her just STAY DEAD, DAMN IT!!!!
 
LOLOL!! this is so Funny! :smiley:

I loved this one:

5. Before she dares shoot anybody, has to test DNA to make sure she's not shooting her long-lost brother or something. lolol

:D :D
 
From the CIA 'Intel Center' at Camp Harris...

THE TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE SAY THAT MAKE IRINA DEREVKO'S STOMACH HURT:

10. Sloane: "Irina, there's something you need to know about me and Sydney..."

9. Sark: "I found out! I know you're really planning to trade me for Milo Rambaldi's childhood baby spoon?!"

8. Sydney: "You know what?! I liked Emily better than you!"

7. "We're from the IRS, Ms. Derevko. About that expensive Rambaldi artifact Sloane gave you, you did pay gift tax, didn't you?"

6. Guard at the glass cell: "It's Wednesday! Today's the day we get to listen to Barney and Friends on the PA system!"

5. Jack: "Irina, in spite of 10 years of lies, 20 years of loneliness, you shooting Sydney, betraying me in Panama, and getting Emily Sloane killed needlessly, I can't put you out of my mind. I love you, I adore you, I want to start over with you! Your eyes light up my world, your voice is music, your touch is like living fire!Will you please say we can begin again?...PSYCH! HA HA HA!"

4. Vaughn (when nobody else is around): "Sooner or later, Derevko, sooner or later, for my Dad..." while playing with that experimental device Marshall built that nobody knows what it does, but which makes funny noises and really looks painful.

3. Kendall: "I don't know why we're bothering with this, why not just shoot the b**** in the kneecaps and offer her morphine for intel?"

2. Sydney: "Hi, Mom! Big news, I'm having Sloane's baby!"

and the Number One thing that makes Irina Derevko's stomach hurt when she hears it...

1. Minister: "Do you Jonathan Donahue Bristow take Yekaterina Derevko to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?" Jack (sounding happy):" "I do."
 
From SVR HQ in the Russian Federation...

TOP TEN THINGS IRINA DEREVKO HATES ABOUT HER LIFE:

10. Between firefights, plotting new betrayals and keeping track of Sidney's love life, there just isn't enough 'me time'.

9. One little bullet in their child's shoulder, and Jack gets all huffy and upset.

8. Gerard Cuvee. Enough said.

7. Finally gets her Giant Ball O' Deadly Disease working right, and Sydney and Vaughn blow it to hell, and rather than disciplining their daughter for destroying Mommy's things, Jack goes and acts like she did something good.

6. Food in the glass cell not up to her usual standards. What do they think she is, some kind of prisoner?

5. Vaughn can't seem to get past her murdering his father. Come on, it's been 20 years already, get over it!

4. What kind of a daughter shoots her own mother in the shoulder?! !

3. The first time they manage some intimate time in 20 years, and Jack goes and implants a tracer in her breast! That man is so infuriating, what kind of husand doesn't trust his own wife?!

2. Why the heck couldn't Milo Rambaldi have hidden something in Tahiti, or Maui, or even downtown London? No, it's always some remote mountain, or a glacier 200 miles north of nowhere, or the middle of an active volcano, and that's just hell on her frizzy ends.

and the number one thing Irina Derevko hates about her life...

1. Lately, the bugs she planted in Jack's bedroom keep malfunctioning and picking up the sound of stewardesses and CIA shrinks giggling in delight, and that can't be right because Jack would never do something like that...would he?
 
From the KGB 'Reeducation Center' in Kashmir...
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT TELL JULIAN SARK IT'S GOING TO BE ONE OF THOSE DAYS:


10. When he gets stuck on an elevator for hours with the only pretty girl in the world who thinks his accent is sissy.

9. There's nothing quite as embarrassing as getting into a fight with that sissy pretty boy Michael Vaughn, and having him kick your ass.

7. Not even breakfast yet, and already Arvin and Irina are fliting again. Ewww!

6. It would be a lot more fun gloating over Vaughn about having Lauren, if Michael Vaughn didn't keep gloating over the same thing.

5. When you're up in the night for a midnight snack, and you pass the office door and you overhear Irina saying, "Well, what if we offer Sark in exchange for Rambaldi's Soup Spoon?"

4. The only thing worse than having Will Tippen go completely nuts and start taking potshots at you with a sniper rifle is discovering to your surprise that Tippen's a fairly decent shot for a civilian.

3. OK, Sydney's slept with Hicks, with Vaughn, with Tippen, he's got his suspicions about Weiss, but all he gets from her is a pickaxe in the thigh. There ain't no justice!

2. Eight hundred million in gold for a lousy extraction?! I've head of inflation, but this is ridiculous!

and the Number One sign that tells Julian Sark it's going to be one of those days...

1. When you sneak up on Syndey Bristow and capture her, but before you can silence her she manages to belt out a loud piercing "DADDY HELP!!!!"
 
OMG these are so funny, I nearly fell of my chair!! :smiley: Thanks for posting, most I've laughed in a long time!!
 
From Sub-level 2 of Credit Dauphine, LA
TOP TEN THINGS SYDNEY HATES ABOUT WORKING AT THE CIA


10. Phone sex is totally out of the question (You never know who is listening)


9. She gets to find out just disfunctional her family really is. (They put the f u in disfunctional.)


8. She would totally date Sark, but they frown upon fratenizing with the baddies.


7. Explianing the oddly placed bruises when shopping for bras with your best friend.


6. Shopping for bras with the bi*ch that killed your best friend to impersonate her.


5. Acutally using her frequent flyer miles.


4. Casual Fridays usually involve flitting around in red lingerie at 36,000 ft.


3. She never knows where or when she's going to wake up next.


2. All the wrong numbers she gets on her phone (How hard is it to get the nimber to Joe's pizza right dammit)


and the number 1 one thing that Sydney hate about working at the CIA...


1. Everybody she gets close to ends up dead or in witness protection, except Vaughn (Really how hard is it to shoot him, Sark??????)
 
sPyInThEdArK said:
From Sub-level 2 of Credit Dauphine, LA
TOP TEN THINGS SYDNEY HATES ABOUT WORKING AT THE CIA
10. Phone sex is totally out of the question (You never know who is listening)
8. She would totally date Sark, but they frown upon fratenizing with the baddies.
6. Shopping for bras with the bi*ch that killed your best friend to impersonate her.
4. Casual Fridays usually involve flitting around in red lingerie at 36,000 ft.
3. She never knows where or when she's going to wake up next.
1. Everybody she gets close to ends up dead or in witness protection, except Vaughn (Really how hard is it to shoot him, Sark??????)
[post="1115492"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post]​
Hehehe LOL, they were even funnier! OMG are you writing these yourself or do you finsd them somewhere, they're CLASSIC :smiley:
 
gucci_94 said:
Hehehe LOL, they were even funnier! OMG are you writing these yourself or do you finsd them somewhere, they're CLASSIC :smiley:
[post="1115501"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post]​

All mine are original, but that last list wasn't me! It was hilarious, though, esp. the one about lingerie and the F.U. in dysfunctional!
 
i would love to attempt to be that funny, but I would no doubt fail miserbly...
So, to the people who make these most hilarious lists, keep em coming. (please :D )
 
From SVR HQ in the Russian Federation...

TOP TEN THINGS IRINA DEREVKO HATES ABOUT HER LIFE:

10. Between firefights, plotting new betrayals and keeping track of Sidney's love life, there just isn't enough 'me time'.



7. Finally gets her Giant Ball O' Deadly Disease working right, and Sydney and Vaughn blow it to hell, and rather than disciplining their daughter for destroying Mommy's things, Jack goes and acts like she did something good.


5. Vaughn can't seem to get past her murdering his father. Come on, it's been 20 years already, get over it!


and the number one thing Irina Derevko hates about her life...

1. Lately, the bugs she planted in Jack's bedroom keep malfunctioning and picking up the sound of stewardesses and CIA shrinks giggling in delight, and that can't be right because Jack would never do something like that...would he?

lol 10, 7, 5 i laughed sooooo hard i swear i was literally laughing my arse off!!
 
From Joey's Pizza in Nowhere, California...

TOP TEN SURPRISING THINGS JACK BRISTOW IS WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME TO REVEAL:

10. Favorite movie: Pollyanna.

9. Actually, he rather likes and respects Michael Vaughn.

8. Julian Sark? His real name is Lesley.

7. He and Kendall staged the entire 'takeover' in season 2, they were really working together against the NSA the whole time.

6. Favorite musical group: Boyz II Men.

5. What actually happened at that party with Geiger back in the eighties? He could tell us, but then he'd have to kill us.

4. The real reason for Sydney's memory gaps from childhood has something to do with the captured outer space aliens at Area 51, and that's all he can say for now.

3. What makes you think there was just one passive transmitter?

2. Marshall Flinkman is his long-lost son. Long story, but let's just say it involves tequilla, a covert mission in Mexico, a Rambaldi prophecy, and a time machine.

and the Number One surprising thing Jack Bristow is waiting for the right time to reveal...

1. Irina Derevko? Deathly afraid of spiders.
 
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