Author: Patrícia Pontes. Title: All You Always Wanted to Ask an Alias Character But Never Had an Author Disturbed Enough to Write a Fic About It. Genre: Humor. Right. Rating: PG Disclaimer: Alias belongs to J.J Abrams, the cute Bad Robot boy and the rest of the big guys. I am just a girl who apparently is willing to do anything to avoid Math homework. Author’s Note: Hum… this is a weird fic. It’s supposedly humorous but I didn’t think it was funny at all and it has this weird format… Give it a try anyway. Comedy is so not my thing… Read on… *-*-* Author: Everyone, listen up, please. Um, readers, if you would stop squealing for just a moment… yes, thank you. Now let go of Mr. Vaughn’s suit. Yes, good girls. Mr. Vaughn, if you’d please come to your seat. *girls pout* *Vaughn takes his place next to Sydney* Author *host-like*: Welcome to the first and probably last “All you wanted to ask to an Alias character but never had an author disturbed enough to write a fic about it”. Welcome, agents, and thank you for being here tonight. Sydney: It’s our pleasure. Sark: You look particularly lovely tonight, Mrs. Author. Author: Oh, thank you Mr. Sark. I still don’t like you. Sark: You’ll come around. Author: Um, sure. *slyly* Hey Marshall. Marshall: I- Hum… Hello. *Author flashes giant grin* Author: Is that a new suit, Marshy? Marshall: Um.. yes my mother thought I should – that is.. my wardrobe wasn’t… We went shopping yesterday and um… Author *nodding*: Fascinating. *Someone screams at author through comm. link.* Author *snapping out*: Um, let’s start with the questions. Um, yes? You there at the back, with the green av. What’s your name? Fan #1: Hi. I’m nameless Fan #1. *smiles* Hi Vaughn. Vaughn: Hey. Author *annoyed*: Your question please? Fan #1: Oh, right… Well, I was wondering if Mr. Bristow could tell me why he usually says no to everything, even before the person fini- Jack: No. Fan #1: I see. Thank you, Mr. Bristow. Author: Are you all bored yet? *Fans stare at Vaughn* Fans *distractedly*: No… Author: Girls, remember to use the buckets placed under your seats. It’s not polite to drool on other people’s fics. Now, on with the next question. Hum, this lovely lady here. What’s your name? Fan #2: Nameless fan #2, Author. Author: What’s your question? Fan #2: Well, obviously Irina and Jack have a lot of pending issues they still didn’t deal with. So my question is, are you afraid of facing your own demons? Are you afraid that the ghosts from your previous crimes and actions might come back to haunt you if you open the box on which you keep your feelings, including your feelings for each other, locked away? Author: Sorry, no deep analyzing is allowed here. Next question? Irina: No no, let’s answer her question. Are you afraid of dealing with your feelings for me, Jack? Jack *challenging*: It’s very presumptuous of you to think I have any type of feeling left for you. Irina: And it’s very naïve of you to think that you don’t. Jack: Think what you want to keep your illusion of complete power over people’s life. The truth is, you do not control me, Irina. Irina: I never intended on controlling you. But tell me, do you control yourself? Do you command you feelings like you command your subordinates? Can you choose who you love and who you don’t? Author *embarrassed*: Guys… I’m trying to write a comedy here… you’re really not helping. Irina *nodding once*: Forgive us. Jack: Do not speak in my behalf. Irina: I was simply- Author: Guys! Jack *mutters*: Forgive me. Author: Alright. Next question. Fan #3: Hey there. I’m Nameless Fan #3. This question if for Ms. Bristow. Um, how does it feel… to date your handler, after so long of pinning over him? Sydney: Are you asking this on the literal sense? Because I’m afraid this fic is PG rated. Fan #3: Hum… okay… Then, do you two fight a lot? Vaughn: Constantly. Sydney: Yes. It’s terrible. Fan #3: Really? Vaughn: Yes. People think we have this perfect harmonic life together but it’s not true. I mean, we fight for the TV control… Sydney: For the last piece of pizza… Vaughn: We fight over the name Lisa. Sydney *in explanation*: He likes it and I don’t. Vaughn: It’s a beautiful name. Sydney: Let’s not do this on public, honey. Vaughn *discreetly sending her a kiss*: Alright. Oh, we forgot our pillow fights. Sydney: Oh, yes. They are very violent. Weiss *shocked*: Those are your fights? Those are your fights?? They probably end with a kiss every time anyway. You cheated. Vaughn: I didn’t cheat. You asked me if Sydney and I ever fight, and I said yes. You didn’t specific what kind of fight. *after a second* And they usually end with more than a kiss. *smirks* Sydney *grins*: We’ve been missing a lot of movies lately. *Vaughn laughs and kisses her hand* Sark: *coughdisgustingcough* Weiss: Isn’t it? Annoyingly sweet. Irina: I think it’s lovely. *Looks pointedly at Jack* Author: Alright, we’re going to take a break. When we get back people at home will be able to call us and ask their questions. Don’t go away, we’ll be right back with “All you always wanted to ask an Alias characters but never had an author disturbed enough to write a fic about it.” *commercial break* *-*-* I know I know, it sucks. But, if you still want to read another chapter despite of the suckness of this one, add a question to your review, and I’ll put it in the fic.