Here we are. Sage wrote this... sometime, I don't remember, I think near our peak of Ch7 hatred. Before s4 aired for sure though!
Enjoy!
FALLING DOWN II - FALL HARDER™
Alias Liberation Intelligence Agency (Special). A.L.I.A.S…f**k yeah
Sage: Sarcasm and drinking powers.
Rach: Puppy-dog eyes, lipstick daggers.
JP: Turns into the hulk when you mention Channel 7.
Lexi: Poem attack. Vain, self-involved abilities), provider of Walkie talkies.
Dani: Strategy and logistics.
Gucci: Foul mouth attack, onion-throwing attack.
Goony: Disappearing act.
Bubbles: Making people's head explode by ranting about the "faith" speech, or other randomness that confuses her enemies.
Essa: Standoffish skills? (sarks_princess)
Lexy: Creative thinking (ams4alias)
Monstica: Bad opera singing
Channel 7 (Bad guys):
Emperor Farkhed
The Mole
Melissa Doyle
Henchmen
More to come
FADE IN:
INT. CHANNEL 7's EVIL LAIR
The chief of programming, Mr. Farkhed enters his office. He walks towards an oversized chair with skulls as armrests. He sits down and takes a cigar from a drawer in his desk. He lights up, sits back and ponders.
FARKHED
Everything is proceeding as
I have foreseen. Soon people
will realise that I'm a really
nasty person and anytime
a show comes along that
draws a fan base, I'll jerk
the fans around good!
MUAHAHAHAHAH!
Desperate Housewives, Lost,
I'll take each off the air for
weeks at a time. hahahahaha!
It's just a pity we didn't also
get Medium otherwise it'd
still be running now!!!!!
CUT TO: Door of Farkhed's office. Several masked people burst through the door. One of them, a brash young man who goes by the name of Sage, addresses Farkhed.
CUT TO: Close up of SAGE
SAGE
It's over farkface! Hand it over!
CUT TO: Wide shot of office. Both Sage and Farkhed are staring each other down.
FARKHED (correcting Sage)
Farkhed.
SAGE
No you're the farkhed... farkhed!
FARKHED
NO! You're the… wait… I'm the…
Oh never mind. I assume you came
for these.
Farkhed holds up several DVD's, "Alias, S4" is printed on them.
CUT TO: Close up of the DVD's Farkhed is holding.
CUT TO: Close up of the Alias fans.
SAGE
Right, give them back you bastard!
CUT TO: Full shot of Farkhed
FARKHED
MUAHAHAHA! I don't think so!
But I have something for you.
Very quickly, Farkhed pulls several more discs from up his sleeve, they have "Border Security, season II" written on them. He throws them like ninja stars towards our hero’s.
CUT TO: Close up of the Alias fans.
SAGE
Oh... f*ck! Look out!
CUT TO: Wide-angle shot of our hero’s diving for cover. The DVD's are exploding left, right and center. Smoke and flame engulf the room as everything goes dark and quiet...
FADE OUT - To be continued...
FADE IN:
INT. CHANNEL 7's EVIL LAIR
As the dust settles, the evil emperor Farkhed rises from his chair, hoping to catch a glimpse of the mangled bodies of the Alias fans.
CUT TO: Wide angle of Farkhed, his expression changes from an evil grin to shock, there are no bodies to be seen.
FARKHED:
What? Damn you Alias fans!
Farkhed turns just in time to see an onion flying towards him. He ducks and manages to avoid it.
CUT TO: Close up of Gucci, throwing an onion in the air and catching it. She throws several more onions at Farkhed.
GUCCI:
Take that you c*nt!
CUT TO: Full shot of Farkhed, each onion hits Farkhed either in the face or in the balls.
CUT TO: Close up of Rach, the silent assassin. She uses her powerful puppy-dog eyes on Farkhed.
CUT TO: Close up of Farkhed.
FARKHED:
Nooooooo!
CUT TO: Wide angle shot of the office. Alias fans have the Emperor surrounded and are delivering their best attacks at him.
To be continued.
FADE IN
As the Alias fans move in for the kill, a huge net falls on top of them without warning. Before they can react, it has tightened. Several darts are fired from the darkness, all hitting the intended targets.
CUT TO: Close up of Gucci as she struggles to stay awake, her vision is going blurry.
CUT TO: Full shot of the direction the darts came from. A person slowly moves from the shadows into the light. It's the MOLE.
CUT TO: Close up of Gucci
GUCCI:
...c*nt.
FADE OUT
FADE IN to wide shot of a dungeon.
The Alias fans are in a dungeon. They are all chained to the wall, hanging by their arms. Most of them are just able to touch the ground, but Rach's feet are dangling by several inches. She tries her "puppy dog eyes" attack on the chains but they are too strong, and are chains so the puppy dog look won't work.
RACH:
Ugh, it's useless.
CUT TO: Full shot of SAGE
SAGE looks around the room. Next to him is a skeleton that has obviously been chained up for a very long time. The skeleton turns and looks at Sage.
ZOOM OUT: to include Skeleton in shot
SKELETON:
They take good care of you here don't they?
SAGE:
Shut up.
CUT TO: Full shot of DANI
DANI: How are we going to get out of here? Gucci? Any ideas?
CUT TO: Full shot of GUCCI
GUCCI:
F*ck, sh*t, c*nt!!
CUT TO: Full shot of LEXI
LEXI: I could write a poem that might help?
GUCCI: (in background)
F*ck? C*nt won't help.
CUT TO: Wide shot of the Alias fans.
The others shook their heads. Gucci's foul mouth powers were becoming uncontrollable.
CUT TO: Wide shot of the Skeleton.
SKELETON: When's the buffet coming around? I'm starving.
CUT TO: Wide angle of Sage and Skeleton.
Sage kicks the Skeleton and it falls apart.
SAGE:
I said, shut up.
CUT TO: Wide angle of Alias fans.
Voice: (background)
Hello?
The Alias fans look towards the door of the dungeon. It's a voice they recognise as belonging to one of the most skilled illusionists in history. One who can seemingly disappear for months. It was Hired-Goon.
CUT TO: Close up of Rach.
RACH:
GOONY!!! Get us out of here!
CUT TO: Full shot of Goony, the barred window in the door blocking the view.
GOONY:
Ok, stand back.
CUT TO: Outside of door. Goony deftly makes a bomb out of a red wig and a cell phone. He places it just near the door and bolts for cover.
BOOM! The door explodes clean off the hinges. Goony enters the room and frees all the Alias fans.
CUT TO: Full shot of Joey's Pizza? Her eyes are dilating and her breathing is becoming deeper and heavier.
Joey's Pizza?:
grrrr... Grrrrrr… GRRRRRR!! ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
Joey's Pizza? starts to transform into a hulk-like creature. This tends to happen whenever she's pissed at channel 7.
Joey's Pizza?: (in an frackin deep voice)
TIME FOR YOU TO DIE EMPORER... TURBO!
GUCCI: (in background)
F*CK yeah! C*NT!
Joey's Pizza? runs through the dungeon wall, and several other walls in search of Emperor Farkhed.
FADE OUT
FADE IN to WIDE ANGLE shot of outside dungeon door.
The gang leave the dungeon.
CUT TO FULL SHOT of JP bashing through several walls. The Alias fans watch on, they give chase until they round a corner and screach to a halt. Standing in the middle of the hallway is the man who tranqed the Alias fans earlier.
CUT TO MID SHOT of the MOLE
MOLE: (in french accent)
‘Ello ‘ello. Hoo-hoo-hoo, ladies outnumbering the men. Zis make me very happy.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of DANI
DANI:
Err, who are you anyway?
CUT TO: MID SHOT of THE MOLE
MOLE: (in french accent)
Who am I? I’ll tell you who I am. I am.. “ZE MOLE!” Who do you think tipped off security at Martin Place. Who do you think warned David Koch not to turn up that day? You think we enjoy having Mark Beretta on the show? F**k!
CUT TO: MID SHOT of the Alias fans, confused looks all over their faces.
CUT TO MID SHOT of the MOLE
MOLE:
Now zat we are all acquainted, it is time for you all to die.
THE MOLE reveals several “BORDER SECURITY LIVE” DVD’s and is about to ninja-throw them until…
CUT TO: MID SHOT of several of the Alias fans. Trying to shake the confusion of what they just heard.
ALL TOGETHER:
Juju, Confusion attack!
CUT TO: MID SHOT of JUJU, who was already well into her confoozle attack.
JUJU:
..and then, when she said “I would have waited”, and he’s looking all broody, I was like “Oh totally, Syd, you tell him, I would have waited too,” and then I like, totally high-fived all my friends and they’re like “what the hell are you talking about” and even sometimes I confoozle myself but that’s ok… Hello? Hello?
CUT TO WIDE ANGLE shot of room. JUJU turns around to find that everyone has gone and the mole has passed out on the floor GUCCI can be heard in the distace screaming.
GUCCI: (softly)
Cuuuuuuuunnnnntttttt!
JUJU:
So anyway, then Melissa George comes on and says “by the way, I’m also Michael Vaughn’s wife” and I was like “whooooh, no way!” Hehe, Melissa George, “Don’t laugh at me.”..(Fade sound out)
CUT TO: DOLLY SHOT following the Alias fans down a corridor.
SAGE:
Juju scares me sometimes. Seriously.
SAGE runs ahead of the team a little bit and continues to jog along another corridor. He eventually slows his pace as he spots something in the distance. His eyes appear to glaze over slightly as he is drawn nearer and nearer to a woman in the distance.
It’s Sunrise host Melissa DOYLE standing in high heels, black stockings, a short skirt and figure-hugging top. Her long blonde hair flowing majestically in the breeze created by JP’s wall-bashing spree.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of RACH
RACH: (seemingly distant)
Sage? Sage!?
CUT TO: MID SHOT of SAGE
SAGE:
Huh? Oh. Looks like the mole did his job. He must have found out that I have a special place for Mel, deep down.. in my pants.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of RACH
RACH:
Come on, let me take her. She’s no match for my lipstick daggers and puppy-dog eyes. (RACH starts jumping up-and-down on the spot)
CUT TO: MID SHOT of SAGE
SAGE:
It’s alright, I can do this. You guys will need to find another way to get to emperor farkface.
RACH: (correcting Sage)
Farkhed.
SAGE:
What? You’re the Farkhed.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of RACH
RACH: (rolling eyes)
No, it’s his name… Oh never mind.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of SAGE approaching MELISSA DOYLE Camera follows SAGE until he reaches MEL, so they are both in shot.
SAGE:
Hi.
MELISSA DOYLE:
Hi there.
SAGE:
Sooo, can I buy you a drink?
MELISSA DOYLE:
A drink?
CUT TO: WIDE ANGLE shot of pub.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of SAGE and MELISSA DOYLE at the bar.
SAGE: (slurring)
So, you know… I’m part of this team Alias caper. You know, get the girl, kill the bad guy-rob-from-the-rich-give-to-the-poor. You know, that kinda ting. (Singing) A-li-as. F**k yeah! But it’s a game really, you take it one stage at a time. But you’ve gotta be careful, cos it’s not a game.
MELISSA DOYLE:
So you don’t enjoy it all that much?
SAGE: (yelling at no one in particular)
‘ey! Who do you have to root for a drink around here!? What? Oh, sorry sorry sorry. Well it’s no secret I have a bit of an evil streak. I just think maybe there’s something missing in my life.
MELISSA DOYLE:
Well, I think there are certain benefits that come with working for us. If you were, erm, willing, I could give you a job.
SAGE: (frustrated)
Arr, what would I have to do?
MELISSA DOYLE:
You could be our top spy and agent.
SAGE:
I’m already a spy. Do you have something in a museum?
MELISSA DOYLE:
Well there are other things you could do on the side as well.
SAGE:
What? Oh, hi I’m Sage, nice to know you. What can I do for you?
MELISSA DOYLE:
You can come and work for me.
SAGE: (frustrated)
Arr, what would I have to do?
MELISSA DOYLE:
A spy and agent.
SAGE:
I’m already a spy. Do you have something in a zoo?
MELISSA DOYLE: (Leans in towards SAGE)
If you spy for us, I’ll make it worth your while.
SAGE: (slurring again)
Sounds good Mel, cos you know you’re a fine piece of *indecipherable*. (yells at no one again) Bring on the shots! (singing) Moore shoooots, more shots, moooore shoooots more shots, mooore shooooots more shots mooore shoooooooooooooooots.
CUT TO: Close up of about 50 shots.
CUT TO: CLOSE UP of SAGE drinking two shots at a time.
FADE OUT
TEN MINUTES LATER
FADE IN to CLOSE UP of SAGE still drinking shot.
SAGE: (slurring)
…and then I said to him, I said, I said, “Yeah but I can tell cos the sky is like, grey and cloudy and that,” but then he replied “but how do you know it’s going to rain”, and this-this guy whacked me in the leg with like, I dunno, a trumpet or trombone or some s**t.
DANI:
Sage?
SAGE:
…and it hurt a bit but I was tough, and there were ladies there so I put on a brave face.
DANI:
SAGE!
SAGE:
But then this guy came out and said we could go on the telly during the ad break ting. It wasn’t much but we got the job done in the end.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of DANI
DANI:
Juju, Confoozle attack.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of JUJU
JUJU:
So Sage you remember in season one when Syd’s crying and she calls Vaughn, and tells him all about how she feels like she’s losing her mind, and then throws her pager into the ocean. I was like “Awww, he’s so cute that he’s there for her, and look! Look! She reaches out for his hand!”
CUT TO: MID SHOT of SAGE
SAGE: (stops what he was saying and thinks for a moment)
…Erm, what? I missed all of that?
CUT TO: MID SHOT of DANI AND JUJU
JUJU goes to start again but DANI quickly puts a stop to it.
DANI:
Sage, Melissa has passed out already.
CUT TO: FULL SHOT of SAGE sitting on the barstool
SAGE looks to the ground and sees MELISSA DOYLE lying drunk and unconscious on the bar-room floor.
SAGE:
Oh thank god. I was running out of stories-from this year. I would have had to think of stuff from 2004!
CUT TO: CLOSE UP of DANI
DANI:
Geez Sage do you need to sober up?
CUT TO: MID SHOT of SAGE
SAGE:
Yeah probably, get me a beer would you?
FADE out sound of SAGE babbling
CUT TO: MID SHOT of the back of SAGE
Something grabs the back of Sage’s shirt and pulls him towards the ground. It’s MELISSA, she quickly overpowers him and gives him a fatal kiss. MELISSA collapses on the floor again.
CUT TO: FULL SHOT OF SAGE and RACH
RACH:
Sage? Are you ok?
SAGE:
Not really. Either I had too much to drink, or Mel’s got this whole “Poison Ivy” thing going on. You guys have to get to Farkhed and stop him. If you don’t, Alias, Desperate Housewives, Lost, 24… They will all suffer.
RACH:
No, you can’t go. Who will I make fun of when you’re gone?
SAGE: (smiling)
Smart arse
SAGE dies.
CUT TO: FULL SHOT LOW ANGLE shot of RACH standing over the passed out body of MELISSA DOYLE, shaking her head.
RACH: (Talking to the passed out MELISSA DOYLE)
So you like makeup huh? Right!
RACH unpacks a backpack full of makeup and starts applying all different kinds of product to Mel’s face. The end result makes her look something like a clown.
RACH: Ok, so how are we going to get to the Emperor now?
ZOOM OUT as DANI enters shot.
DANI:
Dunno yet, but it’d be easier if Nat were still with us.
CUT TO WIDE SHOT of ALIAS FANS looking into the camera hopefully.
FADE OUT
RACH and DANI head off in despair.
NATALIA suddenly appears out of the shadows, and injects SAGE with funny green fluid. He sits, up coughing and spluttering and still drunk. She throws a bucket of water over his head.
SAGE: What is going on?! Am I alive?
NATALIA: Yes you are. And now you have a job to do. Nobody must know I was here.
Before SAGE can say another word, NATALIA disappears again. SAGE shrugs, and runs off apfter DANI and RACH.
DANI and RACH enter a room to find the CHANNEL 7 MASCOT waiting for them.
MASCOT: growl, sloop erpp teek.
DANI: Ok, I’ll attack him from the front, you attack from behind.
RACH takes out several lipstick daggers and passes her backpack to DANI, who takes out the DOUBLE BLADED MASCARA-SABRE.
RACH: Ok. Lets do it.
DANI and RACH attack the CHANNEL 7 MASCOT. RACH throws two daggers which connect with the back of the mascot, while DANI stabs the mascot in the screen with her sabre. The mascot falls to the ground, dead. RACH and DANI stand over the remains.
RACH: The ratings season is over, b****.
Noises are heard behind them. They spin around and see a number of CHANNEL 7 MASCOT CLONES entering the room. RACH and DANI are quickly surrounded by the CLONE ARMY of CHANNEL 7 MASCOTS, who are all speaking a WEIRD-ARSE LANGUAGE.
CHANNEL 7 MASCOT: ghuh? Daa gob dea noq aneth ak heath!
RACH & DANI: Err, buh?
The mascots attack. Rach throws some lipstick daggers whle DANI is engaged in hand-to-screen combat with one of the CLONES. DANI fights and clears a path to fins RACH. They fight back to back against the CLONE ARMY but it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. More of the LITTLE BASTARDS keep appearing. The Mascots move in for the kill when..
CHANNEL 7 MASCOT: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
SAGE appears out of nowhere and kicks one of the CHANNEL 7 MASCOT’s into NEXT THURSDAY. He then pulls out a lighter, spits out a gob-full of booze (cheap stuff, don't worry kids) towards the CLONE ARMY, while holding the lighter in front of his face. This results in a huge FIRE BREATHING spectacular that turns the CLONE ARMY into HUGE MARSHMELLOWS.
RACH pokes one of the HUGE MARSHMELLOWS with a lipstick dagger.
SAGE: I wouldn’t eat it, you don’t know where they’ve been.
RACH: SAGE!
SAGE: Yeah, and plus they’re covered in Victoria Bitters, yuck!
RACH: Oh my god, you’re alive! But... How?
SAGE: Well, I had the weirdest dream. Natalia injected me with some strange green stuff. At first I thought it was Absinthe, and remember asking if she could make it with ice and light it on fire. Then I got a bucket of water dumped on my head.
The rest of TEAM ALIAS enter the room to hear the end of SAGE’s explanation.
GUCCI: Wet dream huh?
SAGE: Errmm, right. Anyway, I’m back, I’m drunk, I’m ready to fight. I’m… Be right back, gotta pee.
Five minutes later:
SAGE: OK. I had a moment of clarity while on the can. I have a plan.
LEXI: Hey that rhymes!
FADE OUT
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
ETA: I realised that swearing is not longer ** out by the board, and on more than one occassion, I seem to have slipped the C and F words... so I ** them out!
Sorry to those of you who read it when it wasn't **. I apologise.
Enjoy!
FALLING DOWN II - FALL HARDER™
Alias Liberation Intelligence Agency (Special). A.L.I.A.S…f**k yeah
Sage: Sarcasm and drinking powers.
Rach: Puppy-dog eyes, lipstick daggers.
JP: Turns into the hulk when you mention Channel 7.
Lexi: Poem attack. Vain, self-involved abilities), provider of Walkie talkies.
Dani: Strategy and logistics.
Gucci: Foul mouth attack, onion-throwing attack.
Goony: Disappearing act.
Bubbles: Making people's head explode by ranting about the "faith" speech, or other randomness that confuses her enemies.
Essa: Standoffish skills? (sarks_princess)
Lexy: Creative thinking (ams4alias)
Monstica: Bad opera singing
Channel 7 (Bad guys):
Emperor Farkhed
The Mole
Melissa Doyle
Henchmen
More to come
FADE IN:
INT. CHANNEL 7's EVIL LAIR
The chief of programming, Mr. Farkhed enters his office. He walks towards an oversized chair with skulls as armrests. He sits down and takes a cigar from a drawer in his desk. He lights up, sits back and ponders.
FARKHED
Everything is proceeding as
I have foreseen. Soon people
will realise that I'm a really
nasty person and anytime
a show comes along that
draws a fan base, I'll jerk
the fans around good!
MUAHAHAHAHAH!
Desperate Housewives, Lost,
I'll take each off the air for
weeks at a time. hahahahaha!
It's just a pity we didn't also
get Medium otherwise it'd
still be running now!!!!!
CUT TO: Door of Farkhed's office. Several masked people burst through the door. One of them, a brash young man who goes by the name of Sage, addresses Farkhed.
CUT TO: Close up of SAGE
SAGE
It's over farkface! Hand it over!
CUT TO: Wide shot of office. Both Sage and Farkhed are staring each other down.
FARKHED (correcting Sage)
Farkhed.
SAGE
No you're the farkhed... farkhed!
FARKHED
NO! You're the… wait… I'm the…
Oh never mind. I assume you came
for these.
Farkhed holds up several DVD's, "Alias, S4" is printed on them.
CUT TO: Close up of the DVD's Farkhed is holding.
CUT TO: Close up of the Alias fans.
SAGE
Right, give them back you bastard!
CUT TO: Full shot of Farkhed
FARKHED
MUAHAHAHA! I don't think so!
But I have something for you.
Very quickly, Farkhed pulls several more discs from up his sleeve, they have "Border Security, season II" written on them. He throws them like ninja stars towards our hero’s.
CUT TO: Close up of the Alias fans.
SAGE
Oh... f*ck! Look out!
CUT TO: Wide-angle shot of our hero’s diving for cover. The DVD's are exploding left, right and center. Smoke and flame engulf the room as everything goes dark and quiet...
FADE OUT - To be continued...
FADE IN:
INT. CHANNEL 7's EVIL LAIR
As the dust settles, the evil emperor Farkhed rises from his chair, hoping to catch a glimpse of the mangled bodies of the Alias fans.
CUT TO: Wide angle of Farkhed, his expression changes from an evil grin to shock, there are no bodies to be seen.
FARKHED:
What? Damn you Alias fans!
Farkhed turns just in time to see an onion flying towards him. He ducks and manages to avoid it.
CUT TO: Close up of Gucci, throwing an onion in the air and catching it. She throws several more onions at Farkhed.
GUCCI:
Take that you c*nt!
CUT TO: Full shot of Farkhed, each onion hits Farkhed either in the face or in the balls.
CUT TO: Close up of Rach, the silent assassin. She uses her powerful puppy-dog eyes on Farkhed.
CUT TO: Close up of Farkhed.
FARKHED:
Nooooooo!
CUT TO: Wide angle shot of the office. Alias fans have the Emperor surrounded and are delivering their best attacks at him.
To be continued.
FADE IN
As the Alias fans move in for the kill, a huge net falls on top of them without warning. Before they can react, it has tightened. Several darts are fired from the darkness, all hitting the intended targets.
CUT TO: Close up of Gucci as she struggles to stay awake, her vision is going blurry.
CUT TO: Full shot of the direction the darts came from. A person slowly moves from the shadows into the light. It's the MOLE.
CUT TO: Close up of Gucci
GUCCI:
...c*nt.
FADE OUT
FADE IN to wide shot of a dungeon.
The Alias fans are in a dungeon. They are all chained to the wall, hanging by their arms. Most of them are just able to touch the ground, but Rach's feet are dangling by several inches. She tries her "puppy dog eyes" attack on the chains but they are too strong, and are chains so the puppy dog look won't work.
RACH:
Ugh, it's useless.
CUT TO: Full shot of SAGE
SAGE looks around the room. Next to him is a skeleton that has obviously been chained up for a very long time. The skeleton turns and looks at Sage.
ZOOM OUT: to include Skeleton in shot
SKELETON:
They take good care of you here don't they?
SAGE:
Shut up.
CUT TO: Full shot of DANI
DANI: How are we going to get out of here? Gucci? Any ideas?
CUT TO: Full shot of GUCCI
GUCCI:
F*ck, sh*t, c*nt!!
CUT TO: Full shot of LEXI
LEXI: I could write a poem that might help?
GUCCI: (in background)
F*ck? C*nt won't help.
CUT TO: Wide shot of the Alias fans.
The others shook their heads. Gucci's foul mouth powers were becoming uncontrollable.
CUT TO: Wide shot of the Skeleton.
SKELETON: When's the buffet coming around? I'm starving.
CUT TO: Wide angle of Sage and Skeleton.
Sage kicks the Skeleton and it falls apart.
SAGE:
I said, shut up.
CUT TO: Wide angle of Alias fans.
Voice: (background)
Hello?
The Alias fans look towards the door of the dungeon. It's a voice they recognise as belonging to one of the most skilled illusionists in history. One who can seemingly disappear for months. It was Hired-Goon.
CUT TO: Close up of Rach.
RACH:
GOONY!!! Get us out of here!
CUT TO: Full shot of Goony, the barred window in the door blocking the view.
GOONY:
Ok, stand back.
CUT TO: Outside of door. Goony deftly makes a bomb out of a red wig and a cell phone. He places it just near the door and bolts for cover.
BOOM! The door explodes clean off the hinges. Goony enters the room and frees all the Alias fans.
CUT TO: Full shot of Joey's Pizza? Her eyes are dilating and her breathing is becoming deeper and heavier.
Joey's Pizza?:
grrrr... Grrrrrr… GRRRRRR!! ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
Joey's Pizza? starts to transform into a hulk-like creature. This tends to happen whenever she's pissed at channel 7.
Joey's Pizza?: (in an frackin deep voice)
TIME FOR YOU TO DIE EMPORER... TURBO!
GUCCI: (in background)
F*CK yeah! C*NT!
Joey's Pizza? runs through the dungeon wall, and several other walls in search of Emperor Farkhed.
FADE OUT
FADE IN to WIDE ANGLE shot of outside dungeon door.
The gang leave the dungeon.
CUT TO FULL SHOT of JP bashing through several walls. The Alias fans watch on, they give chase until they round a corner and screach to a halt. Standing in the middle of the hallway is the man who tranqed the Alias fans earlier.
CUT TO MID SHOT of the MOLE
MOLE: (in french accent)
‘Ello ‘ello. Hoo-hoo-hoo, ladies outnumbering the men. Zis make me very happy.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of DANI
DANI:
Err, who are you anyway?
CUT TO: MID SHOT of THE MOLE
MOLE: (in french accent)
Who am I? I’ll tell you who I am. I am.. “ZE MOLE!” Who do you think tipped off security at Martin Place. Who do you think warned David Koch not to turn up that day? You think we enjoy having Mark Beretta on the show? F**k!
CUT TO: MID SHOT of the Alias fans, confused looks all over their faces.
CUT TO MID SHOT of the MOLE
MOLE:
Now zat we are all acquainted, it is time for you all to die.
THE MOLE reveals several “BORDER SECURITY LIVE” DVD’s and is about to ninja-throw them until…
CUT TO: MID SHOT of several of the Alias fans. Trying to shake the confusion of what they just heard.
ALL TOGETHER:
Juju, Confusion attack!
CUT TO: MID SHOT of JUJU, who was already well into her confoozle attack.
JUJU:
..and then, when she said “I would have waited”, and he’s looking all broody, I was like “Oh totally, Syd, you tell him, I would have waited too,” and then I like, totally high-fived all my friends and they’re like “what the hell are you talking about” and even sometimes I confoozle myself but that’s ok… Hello? Hello?
CUT TO WIDE ANGLE shot of room. JUJU turns around to find that everyone has gone and the mole has passed out on the floor GUCCI can be heard in the distace screaming.
GUCCI: (softly)
Cuuuuuuuunnnnntttttt!
JUJU:
So anyway, then Melissa George comes on and says “by the way, I’m also Michael Vaughn’s wife” and I was like “whooooh, no way!” Hehe, Melissa George, “Don’t laugh at me.”..(Fade sound out)
CUT TO: DOLLY SHOT following the Alias fans down a corridor.
SAGE:
Juju scares me sometimes. Seriously.
SAGE runs ahead of the team a little bit and continues to jog along another corridor. He eventually slows his pace as he spots something in the distance. His eyes appear to glaze over slightly as he is drawn nearer and nearer to a woman in the distance.
It’s Sunrise host Melissa DOYLE standing in high heels, black stockings, a short skirt and figure-hugging top. Her long blonde hair flowing majestically in the breeze created by JP’s wall-bashing spree.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of RACH
RACH: (seemingly distant)
Sage? Sage!?
CUT TO: MID SHOT of SAGE
SAGE:
Huh? Oh. Looks like the mole did his job. He must have found out that I have a special place for Mel, deep down.. in my pants.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of RACH
RACH:
Come on, let me take her. She’s no match for my lipstick daggers and puppy-dog eyes. (RACH starts jumping up-and-down on the spot)
CUT TO: MID SHOT of SAGE
SAGE:
It’s alright, I can do this. You guys will need to find another way to get to emperor farkface.
RACH: (correcting Sage)
Farkhed.
SAGE:
What? You’re the Farkhed.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of RACH
RACH: (rolling eyes)
No, it’s his name… Oh never mind.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of SAGE approaching MELISSA DOYLE Camera follows SAGE until he reaches MEL, so they are both in shot.
SAGE:
Hi.
MELISSA DOYLE:
Hi there.
SAGE:
Sooo, can I buy you a drink?
MELISSA DOYLE:
A drink?
CUT TO: WIDE ANGLE shot of pub.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of SAGE and MELISSA DOYLE at the bar.
SAGE: (slurring)
So, you know… I’m part of this team Alias caper. You know, get the girl, kill the bad guy-rob-from-the-rich-give-to-the-poor. You know, that kinda ting. (Singing) A-li-as. F**k yeah! But it’s a game really, you take it one stage at a time. But you’ve gotta be careful, cos it’s not a game.
MELISSA DOYLE:
So you don’t enjoy it all that much?
SAGE: (yelling at no one in particular)
‘ey! Who do you have to root for a drink around here!? What? Oh, sorry sorry sorry. Well it’s no secret I have a bit of an evil streak. I just think maybe there’s something missing in my life.
MELISSA DOYLE:
Well, I think there are certain benefits that come with working for us. If you were, erm, willing, I could give you a job.
SAGE: (frustrated)
Arr, what would I have to do?
MELISSA DOYLE:
You could be our top spy and agent.
SAGE:
I’m already a spy. Do you have something in a museum?
MELISSA DOYLE:
Well there are other things you could do on the side as well.
SAGE:
What? Oh, hi I’m Sage, nice to know you. What can I do for you?
MELISSA DOYLE:
You can come and work for me.
SAGE: (frustrated)
Arr, what would I have to do?
MELISSA DOYLE:
A spy and agent.
SAGE:
I’m already a spy. Do you have something in a zoo?
MELISSA DOYLE: (Leans in towards SAGE)
If you spy for us, I’ll make it worth your while.
SAGE: (slurring again)
Sounds good Mel, cos you know you’re a fine piece of *indecipherable*. (yells at no one again) Bring on the shots! (singing) Moore shoooots, more shots, moooore shoooots more shots, mooore shooooots more shots mooore shoooooooooooooooots.
CUT TO: Close up of about 50 shots.
CUT TO: CLOSE UP of SAGE drinking two shots at a time.
FADE OUT
TEN MINUTES LATER
FADE IN to CLOSE UP of SAGE still drinking shot.
SAGE: (slurring)
…and then I said to him, I said, I said, “Yeah but I can tell cos the sky is like, grey and cloudy and that,” but then he replied “but how do you know it’s going to rain”, and this-this guy whacked me in the leg with like, I dunno, a trumpet or trombone or some s**t.
DANI:
Sage?
SAGE:
…and it hurt a bit but I was tough, and there were ladies there so I put on a brave face.
DANI:
SAGE!
SAGE:
But then this guy came out and said we could go on the telly during the ad break ting. It wasn’t much but we got the job done in the end.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of DANI
DANI:
Juju, Confoozle attack.
CUT TO: MID SHOT of JUJU
JUJU:
So Sage you remember in season one when Syd’s crying and she calls Vaughn, and tells him all about how she feels like she’s losing her mind, and then throws her pager into the ocean. I was like “Awww, he’s so cute that he’s there for her, and look! Look! She reaches out for his hand!”
CUT TO: MID SHOT of SAGE
SAGE: (stops what he was saying and thinks for a moment)
…Erm, what? I missed all of that?
CUT TO: MID SHOT of DANI AND JUJU
JUJU goes to start again but DANI quickly puts a stop to it.
DANI:
Sage, Melissa has passed out already.
CUT TO: FULL SHOT of SAGE sitting on the barstool
SAGE looks to the ground and sees MELISSA DOYLE lying drunk and unconscious on the bar-room floor.
SAGE:
Oh thank god. I was running out of stories-from this year. I would have had to think of stuff from 2004!
CUT TO: CLOSE UP of DANI
DANI:
Geez Sage do you need to sober up?
CUT TO: MID SHOT of SAGE
SAGE:
Yeah probably, get me a beer would you?
FADE out sound of SAGE babbling
CUT TO: MID SHOT of the back of SAGE
Something grabs the back of Sage’s shirt and pulls him towards the ground. It’s MELISSA, she quickly overpowers him and gives him a fatal kiss. MELISSA collapses on the floor again.
CUT TO: FULL SHOT OF SAGE and RACH
RACH:
Sage? Are you ok?
SAGE:
Not really. Either I had too much to drink, or Mel’s got this whole “Poison Ivy” thing going on. You guys have to get to Farkhed and stop him. If you don’t, Alias, Desperate Housewives, Lost, 24… They will all suffer.
RACH:
No, you can’t go. Who will I make fun of when you’re gone?
SAGE: (smiling)
Smart arse
SAGE dies.
CUT TO: FULL SHOT LOW ANGLE shot of RACH standing over the passed out body of MELISSA DOYLE, shaking her head.
RACH: (Talking to the passed out MELISSA DOYLE)
So you like makeup huh? Right!
RACH unpacks a backpack full of makeup and starts applying all different kinds of product to Mel’s face. The end result makes her look something like a clown.
RACH: Ok, so how are we going to get to the Emperor now?
ZOOM OUT as DANI enters shot.
DANI:
Dunno yet, but it’d be easier if Nat were still with us.
CUT TO WIDE SHOT of ALIAS FANS looking into the camera hopefully.
FADE OUT
RACH and DANI head off in despair.
NATALIA suddenly appears out of the shadows, and injects SAGE with funny green fluid. He sits, up coughing and spluttering and still drunk. She throws a bucket of water over his head.
SAGE: What is going on?! Am I alive?
NATALIA: Yes you are. And now you have a job to do. Nobody must know I was here.
Before SAGE can say another word, NATALIA disappears again. SAGE shrugs, and runs off apfter DANI and RACH.
DANI and RACH enter a room to find the CHANNEL 7 MASCOT waiting for them.
MASCOT: growl, sloop erpp teek.
DANI: Ok, I’ll attack him from the front, you attack from behind.
RACH takes out several lipstick daggers and passes her backpack to DANI, who takes out the DOUBLE BLADED MASCARA-SABRE.
RACH: Ok. Lets do it.
DANI and RACH attack the CHANNEL 7 MASCOT. RACH throws two daggers which connect with the back of the mascot, while DANI stabs the mascot in the screen with her sabre. The mascot falls to the ground, dead. RACH and DANI stand over the remains.
RACH: The ratings season is over, b****.
Noises are heard behind them. They spin around and see a number of CHANNEL 7 MASCOT CLONES entering the room. RACH and DANI are quickly surrounded by the CLONE ARMY of CHANNEL 7 MASCOTS, who are all speaking a WEIRD-ARSE LANGUAGE.
CHANNEL 7 MASCOT: ghuh? Daa gob dea noq aneth ak heath!
RACH & DANI: Err, buh?
The mascots attack. Rach throws some lipstick daggers whle DANI is engaged in hand-to-screen combat with one of the CLONES. DANI fights and clears a path to fins RACH. They fight back to back against the CLONE ARMY but it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. More of the LITTLE BASTARDS keep appearing. The Mascots move in for the kill when..
CHANNEL 7 MASCOT: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
SAGE appears out of nowhere and kicks one of the CHANNEL 7 MASCOT’s into NEXT THURSDAY. He then pulls out a lighter, spits out a gob-full of booze (cheap stuff, don't worry kids) towards the CLONE ARMY, while holding the lighter in front of his face. This results in a huge FIRE BREATHING spectacular that turns the CLONE ARMY into HUGE MARSHMELLOWS.
RACH pokes one of the HUGE MARSHMELLOWS with a lipstick dagger.
SAGE: I wouldn’t eat it, you don’t know where they’ve been.
RACH: SAGE!
SAGE: Yeah, and plus they’re covered in Victoria Bitters, yuck!
RACH: Oh my god, you’re alive! But... How?
SAGE: Well, I had the weirdest dream. Natalia injected me with some strange green stuff. At first I thought it was Absinthe, and remember asking if she could make it with ice and light it on fire. Then I got a bucket of water dumped on my head.
The rest of TEAM ALIAS enter the room to hear the end of SAGE’s explanation.
GUCCI: Wet dream huh?
SAGE: Errmm, right. Anyway, I’m back, I’m drunk, I’m ready to fight. I’m… Be right back, gotta pee.
Five minutes later:
SAGE: OK. I had a moment of clarity while on the can. I have a plan.
LEXI: Hey that rhymes!
FADE OUT
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
ETA: I realised that swearing is not longer ** out by the board, and on more than one occassion, I seem to have slipped the C and F words... so I ** them out!
Sorry to those of you who read it when it wasn't **. I apologise.
