Captain Bob

mr kite

mr kite

Cadet
Hello .
Yes I know I`ve not been around and I`m sorry :oops::oops:

But any road up I have wrote some nice little stories about a new breed of hero and his name is Captain Bob
I hope you take time to have a read , I know my grammer is felgercarb as I didn`t have a great education and yes I did just want to be a footballer and have affairs with my team mates wife`s ...
Oh sorry .
Yeh so if you have a read and yeah ! even comment good or bad I can take it :eek:
Thank you .
And if there is someone out there like them I have more where this blinder comes from ..
Yeh my head .
Ok then here we go it`s .........

Captain Bob .

A new breed of Super Hero is in our midst he is a mild mannered man who lives in the sleepy town that sits half way up in the country that is known in the days of knights and Dragons and funny looking Mushrooms that is Albion , but it`s now called England and the Town is called Stalybridge (Ask Richard Gere where it lies , he says its in the pit of hell but thats Hollywood for ya )
The Hero ? you ask .
His name is Captain Bob , he is a forty something chap and lives with his mum .
His powers ?
Well that will come apparent in coming episodes
So lets begin our adventures with Bob

Bob decide to take the 4x4 to work this morning and as it was raining he didn`t want to get his rain coat wet .
He drove down the main street and on the large Tellyscreen there was the news that a 25 mile split of ice in the Antarctic

Its you with your bloody 4x4 `s polluting our mother earth !" shouted a man dressed in a bright jumper and camoflauge trousers and what looked like a peruvian hat with a badge of a panda stuck on it .
"Oh really ... Sorry " said Bob

Bob was upset about being blamed about the Earths plight and took it to heart (oh folks heart is an anagram of earth ..makes you think dosn`t it ? )that he booked a flight to the Artic to see if he could help put , you know like leave fridge doors open and not use any deorderant .
When he got off the plane there was a man dressed in a bright jumper and camoflauge trousers and what looked like a peruvian hat with a badge of a panda stuck on it .
"It`s all your fault flying around on your big planes warming the planet and leaving the polar bears homeless !" he shouted .
"Oh sorry " said Bob I will help the polar bears and there homless plight said Bob to himself so he went out looking for a bear .
He got to a big cave and he remembered that bears lived in caves from his school book from long ago intitled Bears Live in caves and eat fish so he went inside and to his amazement there was a big flying saucer melted in the ice so he got out his blow torch that he had in his back pocket and started to melt the ice around the flying saucer .
3 days later the ship was out of the ice and Bob knocked on the ship .
"Hello ! " he shouted
And then there was a loud noise and a door opened on the top of the ship and a little gray man came out .
"ugdbnc xjzufer kifeaskn " he said .
"No problem said Bob " As Bob once had a book called Aliens live in caves and eat fish with a bit on how to speak Alien .
"njsffgf ogndjugbh ojjm jagdveuctxx " said the alien
"Special powers ! why thanks , now I can save the Earth " said Bob .
And with that the alien shot a hole in the ice and went back in the ship and came out with a fishing rod .
Bob said his goodbyes and he went back home and told his mum about his tale and went to bed and thought of how he could use his new super special powers to help mankind .
"Turn that landing light off Bob! your not helping the planet "shouted Bobs mum .
"Sorry " said Bob and without getting out of bed he thought of the light switching off and in a monment the light went off .
"Wow !" he said
"Never mind I`ve done it " shouted Bobs mum .
 
Well a few views ... But no views .

The next chapter of the life of a man who had mission and stopped for tea and biscuits .


Bob woke up the next morning with a cold .
I`m not going to work today he thought to himself as he was on his own and if you could see his Star Trek collection you could see why as there was no room for nothing else .
"Your not going to work then Bob ?" shouted his mum .
"She read my mind !" thought Bob.
"No cough cough !"
"Would you like some soup ?" said his ma
"Make it so!" said Bob giggling to himself and thinking if this was a story on a Sci Fi Forum the people reading it would be laughing at that. He thought .
Bob picked up his latest book Continuing Story Of Albert and went to his favourite bit with the two heros of the book stuck in White Chapel and up against The Ripper .
Bobs Mum brought up the soup .
"Here you are son "
"Ta ma " he said
But at that very moment Bobs Mum stood on Data and the bowl went all over Bob .
"Oh...Sorry " said Bobs Mum .
The next day Bob felt much better and the burns from the hot soup had started to not hurt as much when he walked .
He decided that after his meeting with the fish fanatic Alien friend who told Bob that he once caught a Fish in Loch Ness and that it was so big that people ran away and shouted "Its the Beastie "
But the Alien laughed and told them it was not as big as the one he caught on planet hdkdvkcv but they ran away again shouting "Aliens !"
Which the Alien thought was funny as it was only 1933 and that Aliens hadn`t come out yet .
Oh how he and Bob laughed .
Anyway . . ..
Bob knew that inside him there was a superhero and now that his Alien friend had gave him powers , which he didn`t know what they were yet but he would find out sooner or later.
He had a cloak which he made last year from a bed sheet which he had painted a large B on it in red with his mums lipstick .
Bob thought of how his mum went mad when she found Bob in her handbag .
"What are you up too young man ?" she said .
"Lipstick " replied Bob " I need lipstick "
"You do! your just like your farther "
"Dead?" said Bob
"No one of those Ed Wood kinda guys !"
"A very bad director ?" asked Bob
Oh how Bob and his Ma laughed .

Bob got his cloak from his draw tied it around his neck and then very gently walked down the stairs as his burnt legs were flaring up again and walked slowly to the front door and opened it .
"Where you going ?" shouted his mum from the kitchen with just her back and head peeping round .
"I`m going out on the dangerous streets where evil lurks on every corner of the town and where old ladies hold tight on to there handbags as they afraid of the many gangs of youths that terrorise them and push in at chip shop ques and ask you to go in the off licence and buy them White Lighting and..."
"No your not ! your tea is ready "
"Oh... Sorry " Said Bob and he closed the door took off his cloak and set the table .
Tomorrow I will save the world thought Bob .
"What are we having then Ma ?"
"2 fish and bread " she answered
"Oh just like Jesus "
"No he`s having a Curry I bumped into him at the shops this afternoon "
"Oh I really fancy a Curry n all "
"I will ask him if he has any extra left over for you " said Bobs mum
"Jesus ! "
No reply
"Jesus !"
Then a man with a beard and long hair popped his head through the kitchen window .
"Whats up Bob`s ma ?" he said
"You got any spare Curry going ?"
"Yeh plenty and its almost ready come round and I`ll put some in a dish for you " said Jesus
"Nice one Ma , I love Jesus`s curries , what a great neighbour he is " said Bob and he went and got out the Poppadoms from the cupboard .
That night after many pints of water Bob went off to bed and thought to himself how much Jesus charged for shelfs as he needed some for his large Star Trek collection .
I`ll ask him tomorrow after I have saved the world .
And with that Bob went to sleep .
 
Starbeast remembers the valiant Captain Bob

Good morning Mr Kite,


your loyal robot named Gort allowed me access to your space ship so I can be the first to review another two chapters in the continuing adventures of the mighty CAPTAIN BOB. I like the new chapters of the pleasent and bold superhero who wants to help the world in any way he can, and that includes helping stranded Grey aliens, or his mother setting the table.

I chuckled at these lines in remembrance of another story:


"Make it so!" said Bob giggling to himself and thinking that if this was a story on a SCI-FI FORUM the people would be laughing at that. He thought. Bob picked up his latest book Continuing Story Of Albert and went to his favorite bit with the two heros of the book stuck in White Chapel and up against the Ripper.
Click to expand...


Very good origin episode. Keep up the good work! :)
 
Thank You once again Starbeast :cool:
Here is The Terminator Vs Bob story ;)


Bob woke up the next morning and decide that there was no time like the present to be a super hero , as for presents well he only got them at x mas as he didn`t know when his birthday was as his mum had lost his birth certificate a long time ago .
Bob did ask his mum about it when he was a wee Bob .
"Why can`t you remember my birthday ma ? you were there wern`t you?"
"Yes I was ! and I have the lines to prove it "she replied lifting up her knitted jumper and showing Bob where babies come from (her belly her belly ! naughty reader)
"Well then can I have another birthday y`know like Jesus , he had one at x mas and at easter sunday but went missing like Lord Lacan and Elvis "
"Elvis isn`t missing he works in the chip shop "said Bobs mum tucking in her jumper
"Thats a song " said Bob
"Well he swears a lot " said Bobs mum .

Oh happy times thought Bob as he used to think every day was his birthday and when people would say when is your birthday Bob would reply "Today!"
So today was Bob`s birthday and so he went to the wardrobe and got out his cloak and opened the window and stood on the ledge and shouted "Captain Bob is here to save the world "and he jumped .

It wasn`t long before the ambulance arrived and the medic got out .
"Who phoned the accident ?" he asked
"It was me " said a big hairy biker who was sat on his big Harley Davidson .
"What happened ?" said the medic as he rummaged through the letters
"Well ...A man dressed in his pyjamas and a bed sheet with a large B smeared on it shouted Captain Bob is here to save the world and jumped form the window and landed on the postman " said the biker.
Bobs head appeared out of a large pile of letters " Sorry " he said
"It` s a good job the postman was there you could have broken something "said the medic .
"Oh..Sorry " said Bob .
And then the postman got up
"Where is Sarah Conner ?" he said .
"Eh? you have a very large bump on your head sir I think you need to sit down " said the medic
"I want your clothes " said the posty to the hairy biker
"Pardon !" the biker laughed .
"Your Uzi 9 millimeter" said the posty
"I know whats wrong with him , he`s got the Schwarzenegger syndrone "said the medic .
"Wha.!" said the biker and that was the last thing he said in this story as the postman punched him and got on the Harley and said "I`ll be back " and rode off.
"Hasta La Vista" said the medic
"Schwasa wots it syndrome ?" said Bob.
"Yeh its quite common with bumps on the head but not as popular as the as Eastwood syndrome , are you feeling lucky punk ?"
"Yeh its my birthday ..Should I go on the lottery tonight?" said Bob .
"No its a Clint..Nevermind "
Bob`s mum came to the door
"Bob come quick our postmans on T.V. just shot a woman called Sarah Conner and he said it`s all Bobs fault as he was arrested by the police .
"F**k You Arsehole" said Bob
"Did you just swear then Bob ?" said Bobs mum
"Oh..yeh sorry " said Bob.
 
So more Bob .
I kinda like this little tale ( well I would woudn`t I !)

Bob limped out of the house the following day decide that second floor windows were for the birds and window cleaners .
Maybe I need to have a little help with flying like those two Greek fellows Icarus and Ridiculas all they had was feathers and wax and I know if I`m going to save the world I need to fly and all good super heros fly .
Feathers he thought and went to the shed to look for a box and a piece of string to catch some pigoens, after several minutes of trying to open the door he peered inside and was amazed of how much stuff there was.
A lawn mower with a shreaded policemans uniform with a badge that read
Bangor Maine P.D. and it had patches of what looked like blood caught in the mower blades .
"I wonder how that got there ?" said Bob outloud
"Don`t ask me " came a voice from the back of the shed ."Its me Wise Penny "and a clown crawled out from all the junk .
Bob jumped back and was scared as he did not like clowns as he thought that any one who goes round throwing buckets of water and hitting each other over there heads with planks were not the kinda people Bob wanted in his shed .
Bob grabbed an Axe that was on the shelf and it had some writing on the axe blade property of OverLook Hotel .
Don`t you come any closer " said Bob
"Or What?" said the clown
"Or I will wipe that smile off your face " replied Bob.
"No need to be like that I mean you no harm "
"And you don`t want to hit me over the head with a plank ?"
"No I`m retired I just write horror stories these days on my type writer" and the clown pointed to an old typewriter that looked as though it was grinning at Bob and had a few missing letters .
"It has a few letters missing I see " said an observent Bob
"Yes it has but I pencil the letters that are missing in "said the clown."Would you like to hear one of my stories ?" the clown continued.
"Well..Ok but I havn`t got all day I have to make my wings " said Bob
"Wings ?" said the clown .
"yeh I`m going to save the world " said Bob.
"Indeed you are " said the clown picking up some sheets of paper .
"My story is called Carrie "
"Oh nice" said Bob and pulled out a bag of popcorn out of his pocket .
Our story begi s in Bangor Mai e and a young girl is starti g at her
ew school and her mama is putting about three coats o Carrie .
"Hang on ..ew Mai e..." interuppted Bob .
"Sorry not put the N`s in yet " said the clown
"Oh can`t we just let that joke lie and let our reader take it as read" said Bob .
"S it... " said the clown
"Mama ..Why I need so many coats its hot outside ?" said Carrie
"You have to cover up your Devils lumps " said Mama
"There not lumps there breasts mama!" ...
"Hang on ...This a Stephen King Shed isn`t it ?" said Bob .
"Dam ! " said the clown and threw a bucket of blood over Bob
"Thats not funny " said Bob .
"Sorry" Said the clown ..Old habits and all that "
Bob wiped the blood from his face and walked out of the shed got his Blow Torch from his back pocket and set fire to the shed .
"Sorry I`m a Firestarter and old habits die hard " said Bob to the burning shed and with that Bob went back to the house and smashed down the door with the axe and poked his head through the hole in the door
"Herreesss Johnny !"he shouted .
 
The world needs Captain Bob

Good evening Mr Kite,

I've always liked your TERMINATOR vs BOB tale, it's my favorite Bob story. I just read the WISE PENNY vs BOB tale, that was a dark and funny story, well done again dude.


"Superman, where are you now.....?" - PHIL COLLINS
Click to expand...
 
Re: Pete Townshend had it

Thanks once again my good friend S.B. :cool:

I just hope I have some more feedback from other Sci Fi buddy`s ,as I love feedback , it gives me the will to write .


Any ways
Another little tale of Bob and yes folks the infamous Charlie Manson

HELTER SKELTER

A redfaced Bob was fixing the front door after his mum had gone ballistic and said that the next time he forgets his key he should ring the bell.
Bob wasn`t the best at D.I.Y. but he did his best and just as he knocked the last nail in there was a knock on the door .
Bob opened the door and there stood a very well dressed man in his early twenty`s
"Hi Sir" he said to Bob as Bob was looking round to see if there was anyone else as he got a little bit nervy when people called him sir as it usually meant that they wanted his money.
"Hello " said Bob
"My name is Zack and I`m from the Spahns Ranch of Later in the day saints of Jesus Christ "
"Ranch? this is Stalybridge " said Bob holding on to his wallet.
"Yes sir I know but God moves in mysterious ways and we moved over here a few years ago and brought the Ranch from the Hollywood hills of the U.S.A.
"Well call me Bob The Builder " said Bob wondering if they had horses as he always wanted to be a Cowboy after he had watched A Fistful Of Dollars and thought how the man with no name was the only one who could lipsync .
"Yes sir Mr Builder we have come to spread the word of Jesus and we have lots of young naked ladies running around and no one works and we just listen to The Beatles White Album all day long "
"Do you have horses ?" asked Bob .
"Yes sir we do "
"I`ll get my coat" said Bob
When they got to the ranch they were geeted by lots of young people mostly naked and with flowers in there hair and out of the crowd came a small man with a beard and long hair .
"My name is Charlie " said the man "But most people call me Jesus "and he shook Bobs hand .
"Hello Mr Charlie Jesus " said Bob "Its very popular name isnt it Jesus my next door neighbour is called Jesus , he`s from Brazil and he likes Curries and he`s a carpenter and has a donkey that belonged to his mum and dad and the donkey works on the beach giving children rides and y` know what he gets for dinner ?"
"Half an Hour " said Charlie
"No ! Carrots "said Bob .
Oh how they all laughed except Charlie who stracthed the swastika on his forehead .
"So Bob would you like to join our little commune and be with these beautiful people ?" asked Charlie
"Yeh why not " said Bob .

Bob looked around the ranch and he couldn`t see any horses but there was a long haired man sat cross legged on the floor and rolling some leaves in a large piece of paper
“Hello " Said Bob "Could you tell where the Horses are " .
"Horses Man they aint no horses " replied the hippy.
"So what do you do then on this ranch if there is no horses?" said a very dissapointed Bob .
"What day is it man?" said the hippy
"Tuesday" said Bob
"We play Russian Roulette " Bob held on to his wallet "I haven`t got no money "he said .
"Nah nah man its not for money You have a Gun and you put one bullet in the thing and spin the barrell and put the gun to your head and pull the trigger "
"Oh ...I don`t think I wanna try that said a nervy Bob
"Wednesday we go out at night and borrow people`s cars and drive around and look for the Pigs "
"Oh .. I don`t think I wanna try that "said Bob
"Thursdays is Free love with all ladies , my favourite " said the hippy with a grin .
"Oh. No I don`t think I wanna try that " said Bob blushing .
"Why you`re not Gay are you?"
"No no !" said Bob
"Then you won`t wanna be here on Fridays then "Said the hippy .
“So what`s your name then Mr Hippy sir ?”
“Soupspoon..Here man get your laughing tackle round this “.Soupspoon held out the large cigarette he had just rolled .
“No thank you they make your lungs go black and before you know it you`re dragging round an oxygen tank just like my Uncle Bill used to “said Bob
“Use to?“
“Yeh he`s dead now “ said Bob looking to the heavens
“The black death got him then?” said Soupspoon taking a drag of the large cigarette
“No no.. He was Sky diving, it was one of his dying wishes so he saved up all his money and got a lesson and went up in the plane and he jumped and the rip cord didn`t open so he started praying and he landed in a hay bale and the Oxygen tank hit him on the head and killed him , so there you go..... smoking kills “
“Far out man “ said Soupspoon Then try one of these babies man .He handed Bob a small wafer thin strip .
“What is that ?”
“L.S.D. Man “
“Don`t know anyone dying from that “
And with that Bob popped it in his mouth.
“Far out man , later on we can go and snuff out the Pigs “said Soupsoon.
“You don`t like Pigs do you Mr Soupspoon , do you have any on the Ranch ?”
“Only the ones buried over there “pointed Soupspoon to a few large mounds at the corner of the field .
“I love Bacon in the morning “said Bob
“Bacon?”
“Yeh “said Bob who now was starting to feel very strange.
“So what do you do ?erm.”
” Bob”
.”Bob”
“Well I`m going to be a super hero , but I need to learn how to fly “
“My friend Peter PanAm can fly “Said Soup.
“Peter Pan ?”
“Am , yeh he uses PCP , man Angel Dust he says its Helter Skelter man “
“I need to get some of that” and Bob slowly sat down next to Soup and he started to feel like the time he ate two bags of sugar for a bet .
“Soupspoon then turned into a large white rabbit and Bob saw him get up say “I`m late “and he disappeared down a hole .Then the strangest thing was that he could hear a song in his head “Twinkle twinkle little bat how I wonder where you`re at “
Bob went down into the hole and found himself in a wood and he came upon a tree and sat on a branch was a very large cat .
“Hello “said the cat
“Hello, are you a Cheshire cat ?” asked Bob who didn`t understand why he wasn`t shocked that a cat could talk .
“Not anymore , I`ve moved “
“I see, so you are a ?”
“Ex Cheshire cat “and then the cat disappeared into thin air except the cats grin .
“A grin without a cat ! It`s the most curious thing I have ever saw in all my life”
Bob walked on and the woods became thicker and he became so thick that he couldn’t move his legs and he came to a standstill
“I`m stuck “ said Bob to no one in particular
“Could be worse “ said a voice in a tree
Bob looked up and he saw a funny looking small bird that had a large beak and no wings .
“You could be extinct “ said the bird .
“Extinct ? and your name is ?
“Yeh don’t exist , my name is mr Dodo”
“Dodo ! you don`t exist , you were wiped out by man , a bird with no wings and not very bright and not much good at hiding or running away and why I`m talking to a bird I think I am going to be sick and with that thought Bob threw up all over a police mans boots
Bob was coming round from his trip and Soupspoon was back to normal as normal as he could be but he had handcuffs on and was being dragged away by a policeman.
“Where you going Soup I`m so very hungry and I want to eat the pigs!”
And with that the policeman with sick all over his boots hand cuffed Bob and dragged him away.
It was a long trail and Bob told the man in the little box with a little rug on his head was all he wanted to do was ride a horse and eat a pig ... on toast and lots of brown sauce .
Bob was given 25 years at the notorious San Quinton prison
He had his very own cell with a nice bed and made lots of friends as they had heard he was one of the Manson family and the inmates would ask him why he was in prison ?and Bob would reply for wanting to ride a horse and kill pigs and eat them on toast and lots of brown sauce .
Most inmates would be sick some would bow their heads and walk quickly away.
Meanwhile back at the home of the Bob , Bobs mum had noticed that it had been very quiet and Bobs meals on the table had been untouched and then one day a letter was on the mat and she opened it and it was from her son at the San Quinton and he was just letting her know he was ok that the Superheroing(It`s a word!) was on hold and could she feed his pet Chameleon Charlie if she could find it as he hadn`t seen it for months .
Bobs mum took Bobs medical records to the man with a rug on his head and she explained that Bob wouldn’t hurt a fly and she pointed out this must be fact as she found Charlie the chameleon stiff as a board with four legs in the air and that Charlie`s diet was in fact Flies.
Eventually Charlie (Christ) Manson heard of Bob and the Chameleon and told the pigs that Bob was not one of the family as it was forbidden to kill an animal as Charlie rated them more highly than mankind (It`s true ! ) and Bob was let out and was fined for the ill treatment of a reptile was banned from buying anymore pets for 20 years which upset Bob as he was thinking of buying a horse but was totally put off of having pigs.
The End .

Characters in this story are all real except Charlie the Chameleon
Soupspoon is now running a Health food store in Stalybridge .
Charlie Manson is still in prison and has no chance in hell of getting out.
 
Bob had a new friend he had met one night in a dark alley.
What was Bob doing in a dark alley he may ask ?
Well it all came about when he had found a new hobby and that was keeping racing pigeons as he heard that there was big prize money to be had in racing pigeons and he knew where he could get hold of lots of pigeons and that was under the railway bridge and he thought that the poor souls can`t be comfy sat round those spikes that the council had put on the ledges and it must really hard to get a good night`s
sleep with trains go back and forth all night so Bob set off with a loaf of bread and a very large net .

When he arrived at the railway bridge he realised that a very large ladder would have come in handy and that he had mastered the art of flying but he guessed it wouldn’t be a good idea to try out his flying power off a railway bridge so he got out the loaf of bread out of his pocket and put it on the road and hid behind a lamp post.
Within minutes a pigeon flew down and started to eat the bread and then the pigeons saw to very bright lights and before he could swallow his first piece of bread he was ran over .
“Bugger!” said Bob. He came out of hiding and got the loaf off the road whipped must of the blood off he could and put it on the pavement.
“Where`s mummy?” said a little pigeon to his farther who was doing his very best to felgercarb on Bobs head.
“Ah well ....You know that time when you went up top with your friends and you where playing Chicken and a train hit little Peter “
“Liverpool !” shouted the little pigeon “She`s gone to Liverpool !”
“Err Yes. “said dad
“What`s a Chicken?” asked the little pigeon.
“ It`s a bird that lays eggs ....” And at that moment a stone had hit dad on the head and he was falling towards a large net held out by Bob but just as the pigeons was in inches of the net he came round a flew over Bobs head and hit the lamp post.
“Are you getting the 10.45 to Liverpool ?!” shouted the little pigeon .

Bob ran to the pigeon and tried to grab its legs but the pigeon was off on flight again and Bob chased after it and he ended up in a dark alley and the pigeon was nowhere to be seen but in the light of the moon Bob could see a man dressed in black in fact he was head to toe in black, a black bowler hat black coat , trousers ,shoes he was a man in black .

“Hello “said Bob “Have you seen a pigeon?”
The man never moved or spoke .

But Bob heard a voice inside his head and it was not his or anyone he knew and the voice said to him
“I`m am looking for a man who calls himself Jesus do you know where he is “
As if the voice spoke a pigeon dropped from the sky and lay dead in front of Bob`s feet .
Oh it`s a sign this man must be from another town or something and he may be a man who can show me how to use my powers thought Bob .
“Yeh, I know Jesus come with me “ said Bob and the man in black followed Bob home .
On the ledge of a shelf a little pigeon was shouting down into the darkness from where he saw his dad fall
“Dad ! whose is Jesus ?” he said .


To Be Continued.
 
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