She smiles when she sees his name pop up this time. She's only talked to him twice in the past two days and only for one of these did she genuinely like him... nevertheless, she begins to find that she trusts this man for a reason that she can't possibly begin to explain or understand for herself.
peoplesay: should i be honored that you said 'hi' to me first?
BleedingPhoenix: Yes. Very honored. Now shut up and tell me the story where you were drunk and somehow ended up with that screen name.
peoplesay: I don't think that that's possible. How can I shut up and tell you a story at the same time?
She can't help but smile. What was it about him really?
BleedingPhoenix: What is it about you?
peoplesay: i dunno... is there something about me?
BleedingPhoenix: yes. i don't quite understand it yet but I fully intend to.
peoplesay: there's something about you too. Something that I can't really put my finger on but it's there somewhere. I think that's why I'm so intrigued by you.
BleedingPhoenix: haha, well now that we have established that there is something about both of us, can we get to the story now???
peoplesay: no. Tell me something about yourself first.
She has to pause at this because she, for the first clear time, has realized that she is actually getting to know this man... And that isn't what she had meant to do.
God... what is she even trying to accomplish... she is lying. Again. And even if it isn't lying... She is still being-becoming- someone that she isn't. Someone that she desperately wants to be. Someone that she will never be able to be.
She doesn't even understand her own thoughts.
BleedingPhoenix: well... what is it about me that you are dying to know?
peoplesay: what hurt you so badly that you felt the need to proclaim to the world that you were
BleedingPhoenix: it's not much of a "what" as much as a "who".
peoplesay: all right then. Who?
Yet another pause. This is a new start... Exchanging stories about drinking, being drunk, and wanting to be drunk is one thing... But to actually confide in this person... to tell him the one thing in her heart that had hurt her badly enough so that it would proverbially bleed forever and never scar... that is a different and new level all together.
She shrugs mentally and then chastises herself for making her decision so nonchalantly. She should keep everything inside of herself the way she was trained to and if she can't, she should seek help of someone who is supposed to listen. Someone who knows what to listen for and someone who will understand her problems.
The thing is, she doesn't want to run off to talk with Barnett. She wants to talk to this man... this man that she refused to put a name to in her head.
BleedingPhoenix: A man. Isn't it always?
BleedingPhoenix: he was the one man that I was finally able to place all my faith and trust into. The one person in the entire world who could understand my every action and reaction... the only one that I've ever wanted to hold me and never leave my side.
peoplesay: and he did?
BleedingPhoenix: no. He just never had a side to leave.
peoplesay: jesus this is kinda complicated.
BleedingPhoenix: not really. I mean when you look at the entire spectrum of our lives, you start to realize that nothing is really complicated one piece at a time. And his piece was that he didn't think I was real. Or maybe even human.
Inwardly, she is screaming, screaming at herself for telling, screaming at Michael for letting her down, screaming at this peoplesay person for being able to pry down into the reaches of her heart.
"You... You look really pretty."
"You may think you're alone in this... like you don't have an ally..."
Be my ally. Michael, that's the only thing I've ever wanted from you... The only thing I've ever wished for. That you could be my ally through anything and everything and not just a handler, not just a professional friend. To be able to hold my hand when I need you by my side... To- to care.
peoplesay: what do you mean?
BleedingPhoenix: I guess I'm just too strong. Too resilient. Too... too distant. I'm just a person that no one can relate to because I'm so strong on the exterior that people just don't realize that just makes a person all the more weaker inside. And the inside is what counts after all.
peoplesay: I can relate to you.
She has to laugh because it's not possible. No one can relate to her. No one can even guess.
peoplesay: how do you know it's a 'who'?
BleedingPhoenix: because if you already had a 'who', you wouldn't be sitting here (there?) trying to heal someone you've never even met.
peoplesay: Okay, so there is a who. But that's not surprising is it? Everyone has a who.
BleedingPhoenix: you're evasive.
peoplesasy: yeah. Just because I can't find the words to- to fully explain her. She's just... so incredibly amazing that I don't even understand how words can... God I don't even know how to finish the sentence.
She feels her heart sinking. Because, despite the million to one odds that this wouldn't happen, not in a million years, she has enjoyed the prospect that it could. And hearing about this woman in his life is the equivalent of a door shutting in her face. Because anyone who loves a person like this... is not approachable.
BleedingPhoenix: lucky her to have someone love her as much as you do. I could only wish for that kind of happiness. You know, after normalcy.
peoplesay: I think I'd take the happiness before the normalcy.
BleedingPhoenix: you can only say that once you've had a life that's not normal.
BleedingPhoenix: Then you know.
peoplesay: I feel like this is a question I shouldn't be asking but 'know' what?
BleedingPhoenix: Know that without foundation, all happiness is dead, dying, or will die.
BleedingPhoenix: C'est la vie. There is no beginning without order, there is no progression without beginning. So the only thing left is the end and that eats you alive for the rest of your life.
<span style='font-size:21pt;line-height:100%'>Wow</span> Jenn. I love this story. I love your whole approach on the chat thing. This is so neat, and very different from most stories. You really are a talented person. Have to say, I am dying to read more. Is Vaughn peoplesay? This is so neat. Can't wait for more. Thanks for the pm, and more soon. It's excellent!
I loved this story so much i went and just read it at sd-1! Im a fellow member there too ::grins::
Lemme just say ur stories are amazin...all of em they are so original and creative! **Jennyfer ur my HERO**
I found ur lil link at Sd-1 about all of ur fics and i really liked the angsty ones--don't worry i voted 4 u! I like liquidation--don't and lots more!
Right now im readin an undefinable sweetness--hafta say that is a definite favorite! Im addicted to ur stories!! lol!!
Well---i was supposed to be reviewing chat not ur other ones lol...so lemme just say chat is great!
Thx for the pm
She thinks about what she wrote the day before because for some strange reason, she can't get her words- her own words-out of her head.
There is no beginning without order, there is no progresion without beginning. The only thing left is the end and that will eat you alive for the rest of your life.
She isn't even thirty yet, it can't be the end already can it? Because despite her guards, her walls, her pessism, she still believes somewhere that this is all false and that there will be some sort of happiness awaiting her. Even in those darkest moments where she starts to ponder her life and the importance of her life in the whole picture, she can't help but remember the little moments... and when she does, she can't help but smile.
She feels his gaze upon her back as she walks away and, after a moment of indecision, turns around. "Hey." Her greeting is soft, just as their greetings always are.
The same words in the same tone. A parody of normalcy but some semblance of it all the same.
She has to supress her grin when she realizes that Vaughn, her handler, has just stuttered.
They talk awhile about Emily and Page 47 and the words are swirling around in her head and she can't help but feel guilty for what she is supposed to do, what she has to do, but her mind is muddy and she can't concentrate until those words, those magic beautiful words, erupt out of his mouth and land in her ears. Surprising her.
"You- you look really pretty."
She bites her lip, hating the fact that remembering his sweetness can lift her spirits despite the fact that the said sweetness was only that. And nothing more. And God, how she had wanted it to be more.
But as she idly turns on her computer, she can't help but think that perhaps it's all right after all and that maybe people are right in saying that everything happens for a reason. Because in these past few days, the pain in her heart has dulled and the world is starting to come back into focus again.
She is finally able to acknowledge that despite her best efforts, she does still have feelings and that she probably never could have completely blocked them all out anyway.
Bleeding Phoenix: hey peoplesay : hi. peoplesay: you know, I was thinking about what you said yesterday and I can't bring myself to agree with you. Despite all the logic that your words made and all the eloquence with which they were spoken, I still would rather have love and happiness that normalcy. BleedingPhoenix: are you willing to risk this love and happiness? Because that's what you're doing when you opt for that before normalcy. When nothing is anything, nothing is dependable and when nothing is dependable, everything can be taken away from you. No matter what it is, where it is. Nothing is safe. peoplesay: what makes you think that normalcy provides safety? BleedingPhoenix: maybe because I've never had it. The grass is always greener on the other side. peoplesay: what kind of job do you have? You're making it sound as if you... I don't even know what you know, I don't even know what I'm thinking.
She hesitates, bites her lip. When she said that she didn't want to exchange names, it had been easy. But now, she wants him to know. Because she feels as if he could help her. Heal her. Make her whole again.
BleedingPhoenix: off limits. peoplesay: you know, you'll never be able to get this 'normalcy' that you're looking for if you never confide in anyone. BleedingPhoenix: I'm not 'looking' for anything. I've given up expecting to find anything a long time ago.
Should she have said that? God... Even though he had talked to her because of her self-doubt, her self-loathing... her pitifulness, no man wanted to stay too long in the company of a woman who was never satisfied or fulfilled. Never happy.
BleedingPhoenix : I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so pessimistic. I just ... lately I haven't been able to control my felings and- peoplesay: don't worry about it. peoplesay: you actually kind of remind me of... the girl I was talking to you about.
Sydney feels her heart grating against her ribs. This girl again. Why did all the men she wanted already have a love interest? She didn't want to talk about the girl.
peoplesay: She's one of the most incredible people I've ever met. She's just...sometimes I feel as if she can weather anything. And yet, despite all of that, she still manages to be modest and beautiful and humble and just...just so decent you know?
Her lip is sore from her insistent biting.
BleedingPhoenix: Yeah. peoplesay: There's no one harder on her than herself.
"Syd, there's no one harder on themself than you are."
Vaughn leaned over and gently pulled her nose with his fingers, grinning softly at her.
She shakes her head, ridding herself of that memory, willing herself not to mix these two men together. They are not the same. They are different. I won't make one a rebound. As if there was something to rebound off of.
BleedingPhoenix: i...gotta go peoplesay: drunken story next time then. BleedingPhoenix: Umm yeah. Next time. peoplesay: Oh, and phoenix? BleedingPhoenix: yeah? peoplesay: Don't worry about the end. There is never an end until nothing else matters. Until you get what you want. Or until you get what is deserved. BleedingPhoenix: It ain't over 'till the fat lady sings? peoplesay: Yeah. And while you're making an attempt at finding your end, I'll be here, trying my darndest to box up all the fat ladies. The ones with vocal chords anyway.