Dancing With The Stars - Season 9

[superintelligentone]

Dancing With The Stars, Season 9, Week 9 - Dance Night Semi-Finals, November 16th.

http://www.buddytv.c...i-fi-32669.aspx

Dancing with the Stars: Semi-Finals Performance Show
Monday, November 16, 2009
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer

It's time for the Semi-Finals on Dancing with the Stars. Only four couples remain, and after dancing THREE dances each, it will be up to America to decide who goes home and which three celebrities will make the finale in their quest for the Mirror Ball Trophy and dancing immortality.

Live, from Hollywood, this is Dancing with the Stars!

Last week I tried predicting what three scores each of the four couples would get. Let's see if I'm anywhere close.

The Fashion Report: Donny's gold jacket wins the Worst in Show award. Everyone else looks beautiful and glamorous.


Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - Tango

Kym brings Gilles Marini back to give Donny some pointers on making the Tango sexy. The goal is to make the audience uncomfortable with his sensuality and passion, but all I see is a fairly timid and safe Tango. Donny blames having his sister in the room which through him off, and Len Goodman agrees that seeing Marie Osmond is enough to turn anyone off. It was essentially a total misfire, but in his defense, it all start with a rather revealing wardrobe malfunction from Kym that killed their confidence.

Judges' Scores: 7+7+7=21

Yikes, a 21 in week 9? That is super bad.


Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough - Viennese Waltz

Derek brings in his former partner and past champion Brooke Burke. Derek + 2 Models = A much better threesome than the one on Gossip Girl. They dance to "Hallelujah," most famously covered by Jeff Buckley, and it's the most hauntingly beautiful song EVER. It helps to make the dance seem more beautiful than it probably is, and while the judges find some tiny technical issues, it's still a work of art.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+9=27

Nice, but these two really need to step it up and get a 30 already.


Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel - Rumba

Oh no, this week Kelly's doggie passed away. That pup was so adorable, and I'm already tearing up. It's pretty strong, and definitely sensual, though Kelly does stumble a bit at the end. Also, celebrities are required to do a solo in their Latin routine, and Kelly's is just OK. However, based on the response in the ballroom, Kelly has more support than anyone. I hate to say it, but I think the dead dog and her general likability might be enough to get her through to the finale, especially if Donny keeps stumbling as terribly as he is.

Judges' Scores: 8+8+8=24

They still can't seem to break down that big wall.


Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - Waltz

Mya brings in a dry erase board to lay down the ground rules of rehearsal. Wow, I guess DanceCenter was right, Mya really is the pro and Dmitry is her celebrity partner. I dare you to try and find a fault with this performance. You can't. You just can't. Let's give them the damn Mirror Ball Trophy right now. Carrie Ann Inaba takes out her electron microscope to find something tiny to criticize.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+10=28

Seriously? The judges think these two could've done two points better?


Donny and Kym - Samba

For the second dance, we get a quick video biography of the celebrities. This is the same old Osmond family story we all know: he's been a performer all his life and he's incredibly devoted to his family. Someone put on his boogie shoes, because this is the fun, wildly entertaining Donny we know and love. He takes us all on a ride to Funkytown, and the only somewhat questionable moment is when Donny attempts a split and reminds us how old he is. The male judges like it, but Carrie Ann has a giant stick up her butt.

Judges' Scores: 8+9+9=26

A little better, but it still looks like they're in a race for the bottom with Kelly.


Joanna and Derek - Cha-Cha-Cha

Joanna was born in Communist Poland and moved to Chicago with her mom and sister when she was 5. If possible, Joanna's sister is even hotter than Joanna. Men, book your plane tickets to Poland stat! Their dance is fun and a little sexy and fiery. More importantly, they dance to Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You Out of My Head," and I realize that I love this couple so much because Derek picks songs that I love.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+9=27

Again? At least they're consistent.


Kelly and Louis - Quickstep

So this week each couple does a ballroom, a Latin and their Dance-Off routine. Every other couple did the ballroom first, but Kelly switched it up. I think that's a brilliant strategy to help make her stand out even more. Throw in the dead dog and her video bio, all about her triumph over a drug addiction caused by people not liking her and you have a perfect recipe for her to get a landslide of viewer votes this week. She's definitely gonna be in the finale.

"99 Red Balloons"!!! Sadly, it's the American version, not the original German, but it's still so awesome and upbeat, and Kelly rocks the felgercarb out of it. My only minor complaint is that, as quick as this Quickstep is, "99 Red Balloons" is just a bit faster. Regardless, it's a revelation, and she has truly become America's Sweetheart.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+9=27

Great, but I was kind of hoping they'd get a 10.


Mya and Dmitry - Salsa

Mya is, of course, a tap dancer from childhood with natural rhythm and skill. Basically, Mya is a hardcore perfectionist, which is exactly what you'd think of her. OK, now I see why they only got a 28 for the first dance, because THIS was a 30. Sexy, high-energy and just amazing. Seriously, let's give her the Mirror Ball Trophy. Len admits to being mesmerized by Mya's butt.

Judges' Scores: 10+10+10=30

Go Team D-Mya, Go!


Donny and Kym - Jitterbug

This is their Dance-Off routine, so we finally get to see those painfully hideous watermelon-colored outfits in action. He might look like a watermelon, but that's one giant Ham on the dance floor. He gets to be silly and goofy and really give everything he has in one short Jitterbug.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+9=27

Decent, but he's gonna be very low and in desperate need of viewers to vote.


Joanna and Derek - Salsa

I've got two words: MUY CALIENTE! Derek shimmies right out of his shirt and they even pay homage to their infamous Mambo Marathon bobbing maneuver. Carrie Ann is also happy to see their signature move back. I'm more excited to see Derek giving America an invitation to the Gun Show.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+9=27

Ha, nine 9s for these two tonight, that's insane.


Kelly and Louis - Cha-Cha-Cha

I realize it's just a quick 30-second nugget of a performance, but this was actually some of the best technical work Kelly has ever done. If only every performance just 30 seconds long, Kelly might actually win.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+9=27

Come on, is it just all 9s for this Dance-Off routine? What's the point?


Mya and Dmitry - Cha-Cha-Cha

Once again, a nice little bit of dance that lasts just long enough to once again prove that these two should really just engrave their names on the Mirror Ball Trophy already.

Judges' Scores: 9+10+10=29


Everyone else gets 9s for the last dance, but as objective proof that these two are the best, they get two more 10s.


How did my pre-show predictions turn out? Well, I almost got Mya and Dmitry perfect (I predicted 28-30-30, so I was just one point off) and I got Kelly's total score right. However, Joanna and Donny were wild cards, and I vastly overestimated both of them by six points.


The Leader Board

Mya and Dmitry: 28+30+29=87 (27.2 percent)
Joanna and Derek: 27+27+27=81 (25.3 percent)
Kelly and Louis: 24+27+27=78 (24.4 percent)
Donny and Kym: 21+26+27=74 (23.1 percent)

Can Donny beat Kelly in audience votes by more than 1.3 percent, or could Kelly and Donny both beat Joanna with sizable margins? Only time will tell, but right now I'll predict Donny will NOT make the finale. Sorry Mr. Osmond, but you're up against a recovering drug addict whose dog died. Nothing can beat that.

I predict that model Joanna Kruppa and singer Mya will make the finals, so there is only one slot left for Donny Osmond and Kelly Osborne to fight for.

I was hoping that Donny Osmond would do well so that he could surpass Kelly Osborne for last possible slot in the finals, but he had problem happen during his first dance. Partner Kym Johnson stepped on her hem and got her heel tangled in the rip a number of times. Donny looked crushed after the music stopped.

Kelly is still improving compared to last week. Donny has already peaked. He is doing well - better than his sister Marie danced last season, in my opinion.

 

[superintelligentone]

Dancing With The Stars, Season 9, Week 9 - Semi-Finals Results Night, November 17.

http://www.buddytv.c...ek-9-32712.aspx

'Dancing with the Stars' Week 9 Results: Who's in the Finale?
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer

It's here, the moment the Dancing with the Stars celebrities have been building up to. Tonight one more couple will be eliminated, and three very happy pairs will be on their way to the finale. Donny Osmond at the bottom of the leader board, Kelly Osbourne has the lowest total score of the season, Joanna Krupa seems like the least liked of the final four and Mya...well, her name is already etched onto the Mirror Ball Trophy, so she has nothing to worry about.

Live from Hollywood, this is Dancing with the Stars!

I'm predicting Donny will go home, though I have this upsetting feeling that Joanna and Derek might be eliminated instead. That would be tragic because, undoubtedly, Derek Hough would create an AMAZING Freestyle for next week.

My prediction also doesn't have history on its side. The finale of Dancing with the Stars has NEVER been all female celebrities. In fact, the only time it was all one gender was season 3 with Emmitt Smith, Mario Lopez and Joey Lawrence.

ENCORE

It's Mya and Dmitry Chaplin's perfect scoring Salsa, of course, mostly so Len Goodman can get another look at Mya's "tootie fruity bootie." The solo is still great, but Dmitry's crazy leg swipe where he pushes Mya's head down and brings it back up with his leg is a magical move to me. After they finish, the two take their Mirror Ball Trophy and go home. Oh wait, sorry, that's next week's results show.

In the recap, Kelly admits that she forgot her Latin solo and made the whole thing up. OK, so I wasn't crazy for criticizing that weak part of her dance. Mya says she's scared for next week, so she clearly isn't sweating over the elimination at all. Nor should she, since she was only three points away from a perfect 90.

FILLER

Basically, this is going to be 59 minutes of various musical and dance performances followed by a quick revelation of who gets the boot. The first piece of filler is a performance from the upcoming movie musical Nine. Tonight's filler will also feature Alicia Keys and Leona Lewis. Why is this show going through my aunt's CD collection to book guests?

In filler that I actually find entertaining, the final four stars appear in a music video of them lip-syncing to "Under Pressure." There's absolutely no reason for it, but it makes me smile.

RESULTS, PART 1

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin are...IN THE FINALE!
Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough are...IN JEOPARDY!

First, duh. And second, ugh. Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris lack the graceful skill of Ryan Seacrest and fail miserably at increasing tension, they just tick me off.

RESULTS, PART 2

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson are...IN THE FINALE!
Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel are...IN JEOPARDY!

What??? Donny's likable enough, but he's been very weak for the past few weeks. I do NOT support this, because I desperately want both Kelly and Joanna to be in the finale.

BEE GEES

This is just sad. Watching the judges stand and groove to this ancient band makes me sad. It's like watching your grandpa try to play Dance, Dance Revolution. And for reasons passing understanding, Melissa Rycroft is back to dance with the pros during the song. If you're going to go to the trouble of bringing back America's Favorite Dumped Girl, at least let her do something a lot more to do than just be another random dancer.

THE PROS

A featurette is shown with the professional dancers talking about choreographing the results show routines. ABC needs to put all the Dancing with the Stars pros in a house and film it for a reality TV show, because that would be AWESOME!

ELIMINATION

JOANNA KRUPA AND DEREK HOUGH ARE ELIMINATED!

Dangit, dangit, dangit! My TV boyfriend Derek is gone! After getting nine 9s last night, this is the most undeserved elimination ever. This was the only couple that even had a shot at staying close to Mya and Dmitry in terms of the judges' scores.

Now Mya is gonna smoke Donny and Kelly by about 15 total points next week and walk away with the title. Also, we're going to be robbed of seeing Derek Hough's wildly inventive mind come up with a Freestyle.

Shame on you, America, for keeping around Donny and Kelly while sending this fabulous pair to the curb. Boooooooooo!

Aww, the voters saved Kelly. They sent home the Second Place contestant, Joanna in favour of two inferior dancers, Donny and Kelly!

Kelly lacks Joanna's elegance, athleticism and visual appeal. I'd pay money to watch Joanna dance. I wouldn't even bother to look at Kelly if she were dancing on my front porch!

 

[superintelligentone]

Dancing With The Stars, Season 9, Week 9 - Dance Night Finals, November 23rd.

http://www.buddytv.c...al-p-32856.aspx

Dancing with the Stars: Final Performance Show Live Thoughts
Monday, November 23, 2009
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer

It's here, the final performance of Dancing with the Stars season 9. Tonight's episode is a small 90 minutes, probably to make tomorrow's TWO-HOUR finale more bearable. Seriously, how long does it take to read a person's name off a card? Wait, I forget, we're dealing with Samantha Harris here. I'd better prepare for the results show to go a little long.


But tonight is all about performances. The final three celebrities, Mya, Kelly Osbourne and Donny Osmond, will compete in a marathon of three dances. They'll each do a ballroom or Latin solo, a Freestyle, a Megamix (a mash-up featuring the Viennese Waltz, Samba and Jive).

Going into the finale, I'm torn. My brain says Mya should win, but my heart says Kelly should get it. No part of me wants Donny to win. Hopefully these last performances will help me decide.

Fashion Report: In his quest to become the new Maks, Dmitry Chaplin is once again going with the open shirt.

We get three dances tonight, and tomorrow the judges will finish their scores with a fourth dance, where the couples pick their favorite dance from the season.


Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel - Argentine Tango

The judges stop by rehearsals to help, so Carrie Ann Inaba arrives to teach Kelly how not to be so uncomfortable and self-conscious doing a sexy dance. She certainly listened, because this dance is smoldering. I'll dare to say that it's even better than Donny and Kym's Argentine Tango.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+8=26

I was hoping she'd finally get her first solo 10, but there are two more opportunities.


Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - Paso Doble

They get grumpy old Len Goodman to help them out, and of course, he doesn't even wait for the actual performance to start criticizing these two. Their Paso has a lot of nice energy, but for me, Mya just isn't a strong enough actress to convincingly play a bad-ass mama. My brain must be on the fritz, because the judges go nuts for it. Len puts it right up there with his favorite Dancing with the Stars Paso Doble of all-time, from Mel B. and Maks. I'm sure Dmitry is excited for the comparison.

Judges' Scores: 10+10+10=30

I must be out of it, because I did not think that was a perfect dance. I think the judges just really want these two to win, so they're going to pad the felgercarb out of their scores.


Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - Cha-Cha-Cha

Looking back on his season, it's clear Donny is the most inconsistent finalist. Donny's showmance Bruno Tonioli shows up for some tough love. Donny does a lot of hip shaking, and to tell the truth, it's more silly and embarrassing than impressive. The whole dance just lacks the majesty and skill of the first two performances. For me, Donny came up a little short in terms of the actual character.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+9=27

Either I'm bitter or I expect too much from the finale, because I totally disagree with the first round of scores. For me, Kelly has a slight edge over Mya while Donny is pulling up the rear.


Megamix

All three couples dance simultaneously with the same choreography to a mash-up of three styles: Viennese Waltz, Samba and Jive. The judges will score them first, second or third to get their scores.

This is officially the worst idea ever. It's impossible to accurately keep track of six different dancers, and it's even harder since there are two female celebrities and one male. I pretty much resent the felgercarb out of the fact that this is part of the finale.

Judges' Scores:
1st - Mya and Dmitry (30 points)
2nd - Donny and Kym (29 points)
3rd - Kelly and Louis (26 points)

No duh, that's exactly how we all knew it would play out, and they didn't even need to dance. The judges are clearly doing everything they can to prevent Kelly Osbourne from winning.


Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel - Freestyle

They dance to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" and it's absolutely glam-tastic. It has a lot of energy, and as much as I want to love it, Kelly does fall on the floor and it makes me wince with fear. But Kelly didn't care, she still has a ball, and the judges love her for it. On the bright side, Kelly is so giddy and happy she doesn't care about scores.

Judges' Scores: 8+8+8=24

That's kind of generous, but it should still keep her out of real contention.


Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - Freestyle

Dmitry wants to do something based on the musical Hairspray, but Mya wants to do some weird creative artistic thing that sounds a little outside the box. They go with Dmitry, since he's the pro, and it's a ton of fun. Hairspray is a great musical and I love this routine, but Mya was 100 percent right that Dmitry's choice is way too safe. It's kind of dull in its exuberance. Ooh, I suspect Mya is gonna kick Dmitry's butt backstage for convincing her to go against her own judgment.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+9=27

Yeah, I guess that's about right, because there was nothing wrong, but it wasn't great.


Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - Freestyle

As expected, Donny busts out the ham and cheese for a very campy Broadway routine full of energy and charisma. However, like Mya, this seemed way too safe and obvious of a choice for me. The judges freak out like this was one of the all-time great freestyles, and while I haven't seen a lot of them, I cannot possibly imagine this is among the best.

Judges' Scores: 10+10+10=30

No, no, no. That cannot possibly be worthy of a 30. I don't understand what's happening.


The Leader Board

Mya and Dmitry: 30+30+27=87
Donny and Kum: 27+28+30=85
Kelly and Louis: 26+26+24=76

This is so wrong on so many levels. That close to the top, there's a very real chance that Donny could win, which would be embarrassing considering how awful he's been over the past few weeks.

Mya is a lot more than two points better than him, and Kelly shouldn't be that low. I'm not sure what to expect during the finale, but I'm preparing for the worst.

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'Dancing with the Stars' Finals Scoring: Not a 10
Monday, November 23, 2009
Glenn Diaz, Staff Writer BuddyTV

There have always been something iffy when it comes to how the three judges score the routines on Dancing with the Stars. But that is to be expected because viewing and appreciating dances is, we are lead to believe, supposed to be subjective. That should probably explain Len's erratic scoring of Mya and Dmitry Chaplin early this season.

However, as iffy as it is, Dancing with the Stars viewers like myself still trust the judges to some degree because their eyes are supposed to be keener and more trained. I look to the scores for a semblance of order, to get an idea how a particular routine fared. Consider, then, the final leader board:



Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - 87
Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - 85
Kelly Osbourne and Louis Van Amstel - 76

That is so not indicative of how the night went, at least from how I look at it.

1. Donny's Freestyle (30) - Mya did have an awesome, near-perfect night, but Donny should not be second, and certainly a mere two points behind her. His Broadway-themed freestyle routine didn't elicit a smidgen of excitement from me, in terms of showmanship and technique. How did that get a 30?
2. Kelly's Argentine Tango (26) - Kelly's footwork in this dance was incomparable. And that's even not considering the level of improvement she has had. The fact that it got 26, while Donny's mediocre cha-cha-cha got 27 is beyond me.
3. Mya's Freestyle (27) - The judges were right with the criticism. As a choreographer, Dmitry had all the chance to make this dance explosive, but he didn't. Conceptually, it already failed, and while Mya's dancing was exquisite, the scores should've been more punishing. Let's note, however, that it's Dmitry's first foray into the freestyle territory, so let's go easy on the guy.
4. The Megamix - I wonder what people thought of this idea. It was a tough cookie to score, and a tad unfair because already, you eliminate the chance of all couples faring well and scoring a perfect score. Even if all three celebs danced well, the judges would still be forced to hand a 28 and a 26 to two of them.

 

[superintelligentone]

Dancing With The Stars, Season 9, Week 9 - Finals Results Night, November 24th.

Live Opinion:
They had a judges-only vote in tonight's dance. I suspect that prior to this season, the producers were attempting to compensate for celebrities' audience popularity by having the Judges provide additional scoring for the finale. There were complaints that last season's winner Kim Johnson wasn't better than Giles Marini.

In tonight's dance, Donny once again outperformed Mya who outperformed Kelly. So tonight's score added to yesterday's score puts Donny and Mya in a tie. I'm even more convinced that Donny's going to win now.

The Results

Kelly Osbourne ended in 3rd place as expected.

Mya ended as first runner-up as I expected.

The winner is Donny Osmond! He deserved it for finishing strong and overcoming his younger rivals. Donny is the oldest Winner of Dancing With the Stars at age 51 years, 11 months.
(Season One had a special rematch where John O'Hurley beat champion Kelly Monaco. He was aged 50 years, 11 months).

http://www.buddytv.c...nale-32878.aspx

'Dancing with the Stars' Finale Live Thoughts: And the Winner Is...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer

It's here, the big two-hour Dancing with the Stars finale extravaganza. There will be comedy, dancing, a lot more comedy, a little more dancing, Whitney Houston and then, at the very end, about 10 seconds of actual results.

Dancing with the Stars is down to show biz legend (legend being a code word for old man) Donny Osmond, fan favorite Kelly Osbourne and the rightful winner Mya. I know Dancing with the Stars is about popularity and voting and an objective measurement of a person's fame, but if it were just about dance, Mya would win.

Everyone's back, and the 13 eliminated couples are introduced. Based on applause, the audience clearly loves Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Natalie Coughlin and Louie Vito. Yeah, I assume the applause was for Maks and not Debi Mazar.

The final three arrive, and the applause for Kelly Osbourne is about 200 times louder than for any other person. She's clearly a sentimental favorite.

Ha! They show a recap of last night, but there's a technical problem and it cuts to the back of Miss Piggy's head. Tom Bergeron cuts to commercial. Ah, live television.


Whitney Houston

This makes me angry. Whitney is a DIVA and she should not be forced to cater to modern music with deep bass and electronic tuning. Just give the woman a piano, a violin and let her sing the felgercarb out of something. She doesn't need dancers and money raining down on her.


The Losers' Club

Jeffrey Ross inducts Ashley Hamilton into the Losers' Club before Ashley, Jeffrey and Edyta Sliwinska do a dance. The dance isn't funny, but getting to see Kenny Mayne again IS. That dude is pure comedy gold.


Macy, Kathy and Debi

Macy Gray, Jonathan Roberts, Kathy Ireland, Tony Dovolani, Debi Mazar and Maksim Chmerkovskiy all do a new dance. Macy proves why she was the first person gone. Debi is just OK, mostly because Maks is amazing. Kathy definitely wins. Actually, Miss Piggy wins, because after this dance, she gets a rub down from a shirtless Maks. Lucky pig.


Tom DeLay's Texas Two-Step

Tom gets to do the dance he couldn't because he had to withdraw, and it's as silly and pointless as you'd expect.


Chuck and Mark

Chuck Liddell, Anna Trebunskaya, Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer perform dueling Paso Dobles. It's a sad reminder that if it weren't for the flu, Mark and Lacey had a real shot at making the finale.


Coach Carolla

Adam Carolla gives Donny Osmond advice to bring the Mirror Ball Trophy back to the men after three seasons of female star winners. Carolla is very funny, and I fully support him getting more work.


Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo

These two get to perform again and prove that she deserved to be in the finale more than Donny or Kelly. Honestly, looking back, Natalie, Aaron Carter, Joanna Krupa and Mark Dacascos all deserved to make the finale.


Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas

They get to perform their Dance-Off Salsa and it's fun and easily could've beat Louie Vito or Michael Irvin. Mark still has more charisma than Donny and he looks like a banana.


Kelly Osbourne and Louis Van Amstel - Week 1 Viennese Waltz

Kelly performs for the judges' final scores, and it's beautiful. Remember how emotional this dance was way back in week 1? Thanks to her whole journey on this show, it's 100 times more powerful. Even the crowd starts chanting her name. She even makes Carrie Ann Inaba cry.


Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - Week 2 Jive

The character work is still as strong as it originally was, but now that they're more comfortable together and she's sharpened her skills, it's even better. This is funny, sexy and skillful and shows off everything Mya can do.


Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - Week 5 Argentine Tango

Honestly, I don't think it's a great idea for them to redo a dance that was so perfect the first time. You need to be able to show how much you've improved, and this doesn't do it. I listed all of the finalists repeat dances in my 25 Best Dances of Season 9, but while Mya's was 20th and Kelly's was 15th, Donny's was 3rd. You can only move up two places, and that ain't gonna happen. As expected, the dance isn't as good as I remember it being.


Judges' Scores

Just like the Megamix, the judges get to rank the final three. And once again, the crowd chants Kelly's name.

3rd: Kelly (26 points)
2nd: Mya (28 points)
1st: Donny (30 points)

Seriously? Heck no! This is a joke, and I don't know what the judges are smoking. The final leader board looks like this:

Mya and Dmitry: 115 (34.64 percent)
Donny and Kym: 115 (34.64 percent)
Kelly and Louis: 102 (30.73 percent)

So for Kelly to win, she needs to beat both Mya and Donny in viewer votes by 4 percent, otherwise it's just a straight-up popularity contest between Mya and Donny Osmond.


Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower

Back to the fun, these two dance to "Puppy Love" as sung by Donny Osmond. When did Dancing with the Stars become a Jewish mother, eagerly trying to play matchmaker. But they have a real point, because these to are positively adorable.


Jerry Rice vs. Michael Irvin

These two have a Paso Doble dance-off, and since I know nothing about football, I could not care less. They're playing for the Mirror Ball Ring, and I say Anna Trebunskaya deserves it.


Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff

They do their Muppet-inspired Quickstep, and once again, my mixture of hatred for Aaron and love for the Muppets confuses me and makes me feel conflicted.


Joanna Krupa vs. Cloris Leachman, Jerry Springer and Steve Wozniak

These four compete ina Mambo Marathon that's all comedy. Steve does the Worm, everyone but Joanna sucks, and it's clear this only exists to mock Derek Hough's infamous head bobbing move. They do it, but this time, it's Joanna who bobs Derek's head. It's funny in an absurd way, but I loved these two so much that I actually just wanted to see Joanna and Derek dance, not do comedy.


Whitney Houston, Again

Stop playing such loud music and let her sing! I can't decide if Whitney is still an A-list diva, or if she's someone who could potentially be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Sadly, watching her in this performance, I think the second one is the correct answer.


Results

Finishing in 3RD PLACE are...KELLY OSBOURNE AND LOUIS VAN AMSTEL.

Sad, but expected. But in the hearts of many fans, these two are definitely winners.

Finishing in 2ND PLACE are...MYA AND DMITRY CHAPLIN

DONNY OSMOND AND KYM JOHNSON WIN DANCING WITH THE STARS!

Sigh. Congratulations, Donny Osmond, you're more popular than Mya. That's quite an accomplishment.