okay, here are some more. are you guys getting tired of me yet? :lol: sorry.
"I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines." -- unknown
"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' -- the pig was 'committed'." -- unknown
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Jimmy Shubert
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni, On going to war over religion
"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams." -- Mary Ellen Kelly
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian." -- Dennis Wholey
"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." -- Jerome K. Jerome
"See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?" -- Will Rogers, to his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo
"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"College professor--someone who talks in other people's sleep." -- Bergen Evans
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." -- Lisa Grossman
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." -- Rich Cook
"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso." -- Rita Rudner
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." -- Henny Youngman
"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line." -- Oscar Levant
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy afternoon." -- Susan Ertz
"The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be insulting." -- Amanda Cross [hehehehehehe...i love this one!
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"If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle." -- Rita Mae Brown
"My favorite animal is steak." -- Fran Lebowitz
"To do is to be." -- Descartes
"To be is to do." -- Voltaire
"Do be do be do." -- Frank Sinatra
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." -- Douglas Adams
"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women." -- Nicole Hollander
"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy." -- Henry Kissinger
"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation." -- George Bernard Shaw
"Egotist: a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me." -- Ambrose Bierce
"Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pajamas? How he got into my pajamas I'll never know." -- Groucho Marx
"...a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us." -- Dennis Miller
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." -- Batman Costume warning label
"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad." -- Norm Papernick
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Stephen King
"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." -- Sam Levenson
"When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming, like all the passengers in his car." -- Emo Phillips
"I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose." -- Stephen Wright
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg