FUNNY

Weird Facts

~ Butterflies taste with their feet.
~ A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
~ In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
world's nuclear weapons combined.
~ On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
~ On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
~ Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.
~ Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already married.
~ Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
~ Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
~ It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
~ Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
~ It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
~ The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
~ A snail can sleep for three years..
~ No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
~ Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
~ Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing. SCARY!!!
~ The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
~ All polar bears are left-handed.
~ In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
~ An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
~ TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.
~ "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
~ If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She
would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
~ A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
~ The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
~ Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
~ Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.
~ You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?
 
OnLy In AmErIcA

1. Only in America.....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
 
EVER WONDER?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
 
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

~On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
~On a bag of Fritos: .. You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
~On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)
~On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
~On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
~On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)
~On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
~On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:" Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
~On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)
~On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
~On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
~On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
~On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
~On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
~On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
 
7. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is

My fave, plus the whole ABC song and Twinkle Star, I've never noticed that till know (just been singing it in my head)!
 
~ The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
I know really smart engineers who can't seem to work out how to put staples ina stapler! lol :D

~ The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

I always hated the dentist and now I know why!! :blink:


~ Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

What can you say??? ;)
 
LOL! ALIAS OBESSED 47!!!!!! i know of teh weird facts coz i posted them just b4 the big crash which lost alot of posts, and i got the last ones in a book! BUT THEY STILL CRACK ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
i will post the Barbie and about guys one, delelting anything too rude involving lower regins
 
Alias Obsessed 47 said:
~On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

~On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

~On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

~On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:" Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

~On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
these were my favs. i thought that they were just hilarious!
 
Alias Obsessed 47 said:
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
here are my favs:
 
U know the whole indonesia libary thing! THEY SAME THING HAS HAPPENED TO ONE OF THE NEW SHOPPING CENTRES IN ENGLAND!!!! i am not kidding! they built the buildings not able to hold all teh food and clothes and things! only able to hold the building it self up! though don't worry they have fixed it now! (well as much as poss!)
 
this is really cute:

"Puppy Size"

"She keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the woman told the volunteer.
"What is it she keeps asking for?" she asked.
"Puppy size!"
"We have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for."
"I know. We have seen most of them," she said in frustration.
Just then the young child came walking in the office.
"Well, did you find one?"
"No, not this time," she said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"
The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed.
"You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said.
The young child took her mother by the hand and headed to the door.
"Don't worry, I bet we'll find one this weekend," the child said.
Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular.
"It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," dad finally said in frustration.
"We don't want to hear anything more about 'puppy size' either," mom added
Sure enough they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now, the young child knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.
Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.
The young girl walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one. One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one."
It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.
"Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy. Mom, startled by all the commotion, came running.
"What? Are you sure? How do you know?" she asked.
"It's the puppy sighs!"
"Yes, it is the same size as all the other puppies you held the last few weeks," mom said.
"No, not 'size' ... 'sighs.' When I held him in my arms he sighed," she said.
"So?"
"Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me "Love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sighs!"
The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug her child she did a little of both.
"Mom, every time you hold me I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said.
Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart.
Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day.
They are the sighs of God.
 
Alias Obsessed 47, they were cool! (y)

Here's on for ya , okay to be honest it isn't exactly funny, but have a go......


<span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>Take the F out of the word SAFE and the F out of the word WEIGH, the answer?</span>
 
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