Hi, all! Lately this has been my most requested fic to post here, so I'm taking a deep breath on this, my first posting of a fic here. It is an S/V piece, even though I usually write Jack stories. I wrote this in early 2003 as an experiment in dialogue writing. (Readers of my other stories may see hints of ideas in this one.) There are 25 chapters.
Title: “Guess What?” A comedy in several acts.
Author: Camille
Ship: S/V
Summary: What happens if Sydney allowed herself to get angry about Alice? And Weiss decided to play matchmaker?
Timeline: begins approximately six months after “The Getaway” in S2. We are in an alternate universe in which Phase One and anything thereafter has never happened. (Written in early 2003.)
Rating: PG-13 for innuendo
Chapter 1: In which we witness the set up.
“Guess what?” Weiss asked Vaughn, stepping into the latter’s office.
“I don’t even want to try, given the way today has been going.”
“Why? It’s only 8:15am! What’s happened already?”
“Alice asked me this morning if I was gay.” Vaughn grimaced at Weiss' reaction. Gales of laughter were not what he wanted to hear. Expected maybe, but wanted? Umm, well, NO.
“She asked if you were gay? And, why may I ask, is that?” Weiss prided himself on the fact that he had kept a straight face.
“Well, you know I’ve always avoided staying overnight?”
“Are you still having nightmares about Sydney?”
“Yeah, I don’t think they are ever going to end. I worry...”
“Nah, it’s not worry. It’s guilt. But go on.”
“So, anyway, last night I was so exhausted I fell asleep on Alice’s couch.” Vaughn heaved a deep sigh and knew his forehead was no doubt a mass of wrinkles. He sighed again. “And apparently in my sleep I kept moaning ‘Syd’.”
More laughter. “And she thought you were moaning about some guy named Sid with an i”.
“Yeah.”
“So, how’d you get out of that one?” Weiss stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth.
“Well, I mean it’s not like I can tell her what I really do and who Syd really is and---”
“And how you really feel about Syd, even though you are going out with Alice?”
“Drop it. Anyway, I had to come up with something plausible and told her that I had an old girlfriend named Astrid. And that I sometimes called her “Strid” and had bad dreams about her because she was a risk taker. And she must have misheard the name. And then because she didn’t say anything, I kept babbling like a fool and told her I broke up with her because I couldn’t take the stress and when work was exhausting, I’d have these dreams and...”
“And she said what?”
“That maybe that if I weren’t gay, I was still hung up on this woman and maybe that was why I did not seem to be fully involved with her, that I was making all the motions, but my heart was not really there. That she had been thinking that for a while. And that it wasn’t fair to her or me or ‘Astrid’, assuming of course that Astrid was real. I think she really thinks I’m gay.”
“Hmm. So, she gave you walking papers, I assume.” Weiss smirked.
“Yeah. Well, what did you come here for anyway? Surely not to hear the sad story of my sorry love life.”
“Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Give me the good news.”
“We have to go on a mission to Hawaii and spend a few days touring around Maui and lying on the beach.”
“Sounds great. What’s the bad news?” Vaughn asked suspiciously. But really, what else could go wrong? A second later he knew that one should never ask that particular question.
“Your assignment.” Weiss paused. “Mike, you know how I always said Sydney Bristow was one woman I would not want mad at me? Really, she’s just not someone I would want to cross. When you think about it, she doesn’t always get mad the way you expect someone to get mad. It makes me wonder if she’s one of those ‘I don’t get mad, I get even’ types. Or maybe her anger just gets cold instead of hot. I had this girlfriend once myself and when she yelled it was okay, but when she got quiet -- wow, look out. I mean Sydney’s not Jack or Irina, but still...”
“Weiss, you’re babbling. Wait a minute, don’t tell me...”
“Yup, you’re going on assignment with Sydney. Her assigned agent woke up this morning at 3am with acute appendicitis. The plane leaves in 2 hours. We needed a very strong swimmer, which qualifies you. Also, there is the nature of the assignment, which meant that it was easier if the agent actually knew Sydney. We gave her the choice of 3 agents and she asked for you.”
“You have got to be kidding. And wipe that smile off of your face.”
“Oh, no, I am not kidding. And let me tell you that she’s gotten over being sad about Alice. I mean I’m assuming she was sad about the Alice thing after all the time you two…. Hey, don’t give me that look! Anyway, I think she’s in the stage of grief called anger. It’s not going to be pleasant for you Mike, not at all. I can just tell...”
“Tell what?” Vaughn prompted.
“You know the phrase, ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.’?”
“She shouldn’t feel scorned, I...”
“Inadvertently rubbed her face in a relationship she did not know existed until after she had saved your life by being willing to commit cold-blooded murder. Uh-huh. I saw the surveillance tape of that bar with you, Alice, Syd and her friend, Tippin, Tupper, whatever. Yeah, I guess she should just forget about it. Anyway, she said, and I quote, ‘Let’s go with Agent Vaughn and kill two birds with one stone. Lord knows he could use more field experience’.”
“Ouch.”
“Oh it gets better. She also said, and I quote, ‘He has the duplicity skills down all right, but he needs more experience in creative problem solving in the field.’”
“Double ouch.”
“Double ouch? That was a stab right at the heart, man. And if giving you more field experience is killing one bird, that leaves open the question of the other bird she’s going to kill with some stone, doesn’t it?”
Silence. Then, Vaughn asked reluctantly, knowing it was going to get worse, “You mentioned the nature of the assignment?”
“This is the best part. You two are going to play the part of honeymooners.”
“This is not happening, this is not happening.”
"Oh, it's happening," Weiss said as he turned to leave. "Pack some sunscreen. You'll need some heavy protection." He laughed and walked away.
TBC
Title: “Guess What?” A comedy in several acts.
Author: Camille
Ship: S/V
Summary: What happens if Sydney allowed herself to get angry about Alice? And Weiss decided to play matchmaker?
Timeline: begins approximately six months after “The Getaway” in S2. We are in an alternate universe in which Phase One and anything thereafter has never happened. (Written in early 2003.)
Rating: PG-13 for innuendo
Chapter 1: In which we witness the set up.
“Guess what?” Weiss asked Vaughn, stepping into the latter’s office.
“I don’t even want to try, given the way today has been going.”
“Why? It’s only 8:15am! What’s happened already?”
“Alice asked me this morning if I was gay.” Vaughn grimaced at Weiss' reaction. Gales of laughter were not what he wanted to hear. Expected maybe, but wanted? Umm, well, NO.
“She asked if you were gay? And, why may I ask, is that?” Weiss prided himself on the fact that he had kept a straight face.
“Well, you know I’ve always avoided staying overnight?”
“Are you still having nightmares about Sydney?”
“Yeah, I don’t think they are ever going to end. I worry...”
“Nah, it’s not worry. It’s guilt. But go on.”
“So, anyway, last night I was so exhausted I fell asleep on Alice’s couch.” Vaughn heaved a deep sigh and knew his forehead was no doubt a mass of wrinkles. He sighed again. “And apparently in my sleep I kept moaning ‘Syd’.”
More laughter. “And she thought you were moaning about some guy named Sid with an i”.
“Yeah.”
“So, how’d you get out of that one?” Weiss stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth.
“Well, I mean it’s not like I can tell her what I really do and who Syd really is and---”
“And how you really feel about Syd, even though you are going out with Alice?”
“Drop it. Anyway, I had to come up with something plausible and told her that I had an old girlfriend named Astrid. And that I sometimes called her “Strid” and had bad dreams about her because she was a risk taker. And she must have misheard the name. And then because she didn’t say anything, I kept babbling like a fool and told her I broke up with her because I couldn’t take the stress and when work was exhausting, I’d have these dreams and...”
“And she said what?”
“That maybe that if I weren’t gay, I was still hung up on this woman and maybe that was why I did not seem to be fully involved with her, that I was making all the motions, but my heart was not really there. That she had been thinking that for a while. And that it wasn’t fair to her or me or ‘Astrid’, assuming of course that Astrid was real. I think she really thinks I’m gay.”
“Hmm. So, she gave you walking papers, I assume.” Weiss smirked.
“Yeah. Well, what did you come here for anyway? Surely not to hear the sad story of my sorry love life.”
“Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Give me the good news.”
“We have to go on a mission to Hawaii and spend a few days touring around Maui and lying on the beach.”
“Sounds great. What’s the bad news?” Vaughn asked suspiciously. But really, what else could go wrong? A second later he knew that one should never ask that particular question.
“Your assignment.” Weiss paused. “Mike, you know how I always said Sydney Bristow was one woman I would not want mad at me? Really, she’s just not someone I would want to cross. When you think about it, she doesn’t always get mad the way you expect someone to get mad. It makes me wonder if she’s one of those ‘I don’t get mad, I get even’ types. Or maybe her anger just gets cold instead of hot. I had this girlfriend once myself and when she yelled it was okay, but when she got quiet -- wow, look out. I mean Sydney’s not Jack or Irina, but still...”
“Weiss, you’re babbling. Wait a minute, don’t tell me...”
“Yup, you’re going on assignment with Sydney. Her assigned agent woke up this morning at 3am with acute appendicitis. The plane leaves in 2 hours. We needed a very strong swimmer, which qualifies you. Also, there is the nature of the assignment, which meant that it was easier if the agent actually knew Sydney. We gave her the choice of 3 agents and she asked for you.”
“You have got to be kidding. And wipe that smile off of your face.”
“Oh, no, I am not kidding. And let me tell you that she’s gotten over being sad about Alice. I mean I’m assuming she was sad about the Alice thing after all the time you two…. Hey, don’t give me that look! Anyway, I think she’s in the stage of grief called anger. It’s not going to be pleasant for you Mike, not at all. I can just tell...”
“Tell what?” Vaughn prompted.
“You know the phrase, ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.’?”
“She shouldn’t feel scorned, I...”
“Inadvertently rubbed her face in a relationship she did not know existed until after she had saved your life by being willing to commit cold-blooded murder. Uh-huh. I saw the surveillance tape of that bar with you, Alice, Syd and her friend, Tippin, Tupper, whatever. Yeah, I guess she should just forget about it. Anyway, she said, and I quote, ‘Let’s go with Agent Vaughn and kill two birds with one stone. Lord knows he could use more field experience’.”
“Ouch.”
“Oh it gets better. She also said, and I quote, ‘He has the duplicity skills down all right, but he needs more experience in creative problem solving in the field.’”
“Double ouch.”
“Double ouch? That was a stab right at the heart, man. And if giving you more field experience is killing one bird, that leaves open the question of the other bird she’s going to kill with some stone, doesn’t it?”
Silence. Then, Vaughn asked reluctantly, knowing it was going to get worse, “You mentioned the nature of the assignment?”
“This is the best part. You two are going to play the part of honeymooners.”
“This is not happening, this is not happening.”
"Oh, it's happening," Weiss said as he turned to leave. "Pack some sunscreen. You'll need some heavy protection." He laughed and walked away.
TBC
