An Old Friend
Reposted from multiple places on the Web.
Lets see if we can add to it, shall we...
Lets see if we can add to it, shall we...
1.When it seems that you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
2.If you find out that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or comited suicide, or died in somehorrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away imediatly!!
3.Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never go alone.
6. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
7. If you're running from the monster, you will most likely trip or fall. If you are female you definitely will.
8. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine, especially if it is called Derry.
9. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
10. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.
11. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.
12. Do not call the police, as they are either evil and will turn you in, or will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.
13. If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload).
14. If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
15. Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.
16. If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
17. If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise utterly destroy him.
18. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
19. Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
20. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
21. Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
22. Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them".
23. Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
24. If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
25. When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.
26. If you assist the villain of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other then death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villain wants as their own.
27. When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
28. When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dog meat anyway.
29. When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.
30. Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake).
31. If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.
32. Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.
33. DO NOT go into the dark room.
34. If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who ever survives is a female.
35. While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
36. Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.
37. If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!!
38. Your dog can take care of itself...
39. So can your spouse...
40. And your kids.
41. Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway.
42. Your plan takes into account all possible situations ... except for the one that actually occurs.
43. Feel no guilt.
44. If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.
45. If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.
46. If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not -that's their tough luck.
47. If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat's hair to you.
48. If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)
49. If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defence of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!
50. If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.
51. If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.
52. If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out of the living, kill yourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to be found when you're being eaten alive.
53. A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other.
54. When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Preferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb.
55. Always make eye shots whenever possible as all monsters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe ... and if you're reaaallly lucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place).
When it appears you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not go search for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.
As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.
If you are searching for something which caused a loud noise and you find out it’s just the cat, leave the room immediatey if you value your life.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take *anything* from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don’t fool around with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.
If you’re running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, developing a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth and increasing hairiness, get away from them as fast as possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas late at night, don’t go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay in the car.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any device made from deceased companions.
Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
Never listen to music that contains staccato shrieking violins.
If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.
Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.
The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.
The guy with the testosterone overdose is also dead meat.
Along with the guy that is always making jokes
When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the damn lights!
Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.
If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers into the van with you. It’ll be the worst (if not the last) day of your life.
Never babysit. There are enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out there already.
If you ARE stupid enough to babysit, never try on the mom’s nightgown collection. You’ll only end up showing more skin. Remember: Skin=Death.
If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He’ll just pop through and kill you.
Same goes for leaning against the window.
If you are at your Senior prom, and the school reject has just won prom queen, slowly back away and run for the exit. All hell is about to break loose.
Always remember — SEX=DEATH!
For Other Life Saving Tips
If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable one. All the other stoners will be killed.
If the killer has stalked you over the phone lines, don’t take a job as a phone counselor.
Never let someone hypnotize you at a party.
Stay away from sewers.
If you sense something is behind you, don’t bother turning around to check. Just run.
If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.
After you manage to kill the monster/killer, never sit beside it and cry. It will suddenly pop back up to finish the job.
Never go to camp or become a counselor. You’ll be dead by the end of summer.
Never say “I’ll be right back.” You won’t be back. End of story.
Don’t ever do something just because someone dares you to.
If you ever visit some distant planet and find objects that look like eggs, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!
Then when one of your spaceship’s crew members finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of breaking the pervious rule), don’t let him back on the ship.
When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of breaking the previous two rules) NEVER wander off alone to hunt for the ship’s cat.
If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: DON’T fall asleep, DON’T go out there, DON’T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!!
A small town’s little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, “Why you’re the guest of honor! We couldn’t even have the barbecue with out you!”, run like hell.
If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.
Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.
Never go back for anything you lost.
Avoid people with pointy teeth.
Avoid people with lots of facial hair.
Avoid people with pale complexions who sway and moan,
If the barber remarks on the “666” tattoo your kid has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.
If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT stick around to see if he’s with the Philadelphia Flyers.
Never buy your kid a toy that talks back.
Remember: Just say “NO” to human blood.
Never watch a horror movie while you’re in a horror movie.
Never, under any circumstance, plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.
Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been funny.
If the young girls of the neighborhood start singing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.
If you hit a man with a car in the middle of the night and try to roll him off of a dock, make sure that he is dead!
Never EVER play with any Ouija board that you find in the basement of your newly bought, run-down house.
Never run into a deserted graveyard at night,
If you are running away from the killer/monster, don’t even try to start the car. It doesn’t matter if the car is brand new, it won’t start.
If running from the monster/killer, try to make the least amount of noise possible. Especially if you are female. Panting, crying and screaming is not going to help you hide any better.
For pete’s sake…NEVER stick your hand down the garbage disposal. Especially if you just heard strange noises in your house or while sinister music is playing.
Don’t marry a guy that has Satan Worshippers as friends. They will want you to birth the new Anti-Christ.
Never answer the phone when you are babysititng. Just get the hell out of there and leave the kids for dead.
If you think you see your girlfriend/boyfriend and they are wearing a mask, not talking, or conspicuously hiding their face, it’s not them.
Don’t be mean to the new kid. They will just end up killing you.
If you hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh let’s say a severed head falling to the floor, don’t go trying to find out what it is.
Never touch something that just oozed out of a comet that landed near an abandoned farm house.
When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There’s no hope for you anyway.
Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it’s loaded.
If you have to stay out in the woods or at camp you’re pretty much screwed. But at least you’ll have a fighting chance in the cabin. Never EVER take the tent.
Never try to unmask the killer.
Never hide in a closet.
If you buried your child in a strange place and he came back as a demon, DON’T bury your wife in the same place.
If you find the mangled body of a friend, camping partner, janitor, or whom ever, don’t stay and investigate. Run like hell.
Don’t spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of medivel weaponry. It will be used eventually.
Don’t make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees.
If you are going to the bathroom in a movie theatre and you think you hear a guy and a girl making out in the stall next to you, don’t put your ear closer to the wall to listen.
If you see a short guy wearing green and wearing a shamrock hat, I wouldn’t stick around to ask about his pot of gold.
Never transport the killer in an ambulance from one place to another. Even if they’ve been in a coma for 10 years, they’ll wake up.
Never listen to strange voices on the telephone.
Never say “Who’s there?”
If your hand has been possesed by the Force of Evil, do NOT chop off your hand. Doing so will merely allow the disembodied hand the freedom to wreak havoc independent of your body. And now you have to spend the rest of the film trying to track it down,
If you have a feeling you’ll end up being chased by zombies during the night, remember to wear comfortable running shoes.
After babysitting, don’t walk down any deserted streets with lots of trees and bushes, but no lights.
If you are a girl with long blonde hair, blue eyes and big boobs, well, you are pretty much screwed.
Always check the backseat of your car before you get in.
When running away from the killer/monster, NEVER run upstairs.
If you see someone who is within screaming distance while running from the killer/monster, for the love of god, SCREAM!!
If a giant shark is chasing your family, don’t go swimming. Actually, stay away from the water, period.
If you are babysitting, don’t let the kids play with the Chucky doll.
If one night you see a dark haired girl carrying around dolls with the eyes scratched out, back away slowly, then run like hell.
If you go to your school library and there are a lot of books having to do with vampires and demons…move away ASAP
If you are fleeing from a killer or supernatural being and you see a cop car, run right by it. There are three possible ways that things will turn out if you try to get the cops attention and none are good:
A. The cop is already dead in some gruesome way that will cause you to scream and alert the killer/monster as to where you are.
B. The cop will probably end up dead as he tries to help you, this will only distract the killer away from you for a few seconds, but chances are you will end up getting killed anyway.
C. The supernatural being has assumed the form of a cop and just when you
think you are safe…he will kill you.
If the locals say the camp is haunted, it probably is.
If people in your neighborhood have been disapearing and there’s talk about a surge of any type of insect…move. Stuborn home owners always die.
When and if you fall while running and the killer/monster is near you, don’t just sit there screaming like someone will hear you. Get up and RUN!!
Kill the Scientist. No matter what else you do, kill him off right away. They always want to study “it,” or take “it” back to the corporate masters, or learn from “it” at the expense of comrades lives. Eggheads are always trying to understand the unknown, and get nearly everyone killed doing it. Get a clue, kill the guy with the pocket protector, he’s going to sacrifice you anyway.
If the killer is after you and you somehow manage to knock him down,
don’t get up and run for help. Believe me, he will stay down much longer
after you kick him a couple times.
If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you’re pretty much screwed.
If the killer/monster is dead, don’t dig up his grave to try to do a final resurrection. He will only come back to life.
If you disobey the previous rule, don’t try cutting off his head or anything cheap. Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.
If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don’t just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may comes as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.
A female should never wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping the monster. It will only increase your chances of falling and causing a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.
If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large ,rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary and hangs out with teenage girls with telekenetic powers….you’re pretty much screwed.
If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it’s in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.