bendypinkone
Cadet
Chapter 1
*Weiss point of view*
I watched her sleep. If it wasn’t for Mike, I think I’d sleep better. After nights like tonight, including her and I with a bottle of tequila, her memories, and her curiosity about Mike and Lauren, I find it impossible to sleep. I’m afraid I’ll get a call in the middle of the night that they found her dead of a broken heart, or sleeping pills, or from crying to the point of dehydration.
I know Sydney is still in love with him. It’s almost heartbreaking to see and listen to her talk about him. Ask about him. And ask about her. My opinion of her. Lauren. A few months ago, when Sydney first came back, when I’d first gotten her moved in, I remember telling her Lauren was nice. I didn’t want her to get upset when no one hated Lauren for being with “Michael.” I really did mean it at the time.
But as the months progress, I like Lauren less and less. I’m grateful, to some degree, that she was there for him when he thought he’d never love anyone ever again – when he was drowning in alcohol and suicidal thoughts. But something about her lately seems off – seems fake, even. The way she rubs her marriage in Sydney’s face, just because she’s insecure about Sydney’s return and angry that Syd and Mike work together, her inability to be as devoted to Vaughn as Sydney was… as Sydney is – something about it all just isn’t right. And I know that a few nights ago, he told Lauren he wanted to separate. He’d asked to staat my house. I mean, I felt bad for him for having to go through that, and it sucks because he’s a honorable guy and there’s no way anyone would ever be able to actually tell him to leave his own wife, but at the same time, part of me thought “finally.” But then tonight, the way Lauren played on his sense of obligation, on his guilt, to get him to stay with her. I’m starting to really hate her. And I’m starting to feel less bad for him. It takes two people for a mess like that to work out – the one doing the guilting... and the one letting themselves be guilted...
Vaughn. I mean, I do feel bad for him. And he is still my best friend – I just no longer agree with his decisions in life. I meant it when I’d told Sydney that he wasn’t cavalier about moving on – he really wasn’t. In some ways, I don’t think it’s wrong that he did move on. But I definitely think he rushed it. I’ve been thinking about it all ever since he told me how Syd had called him out on losing faith, how she would have waited…
They got married only a year after Sydney “died.” They’d only been dating a few months. And while I thought it was healthy to move on, I didn’t mean he should rush and frankly, I didn’t really mean to another woman. I just meant in general. Kind of the way Sydney said she’s trying to move on. “In general.”
For a long while, I agreed with Mike – it wasn’t a loss of faith; they found her DNA in the body, proving she was dead. He needed to get on with his life and learn to be happy again. Granted, I didn’t mean date and get married, but if that’s what he needed, I was for it. But then I keep thinking about Sydney’s words. “After everything they’ve seen,” and it’s true they’ve seen a lot. It was plausible that she actually was not dead. Dental records can be easily faked as verification of a person’s death. Well, not for normal civilians, but for CIA agents who seem to forever be the victim of somebody else’s endgame or revenge, it’s completely possible. And as I think about it, even more than likely. They’ve seen people who were supposed to be dead for over 20 years come out of hiding, they’ve seen people escape horrendous deaths, they’ve luckily and narrowly escaped death several times themselves. And with all these groups with some interest in these Rambaldi prophecies that tie so closely to Sydney’s family, it isn’t a wonder that people would want to take her. Even the timing should have made us question it. There had been plenty of opportunities for people to kill her, and they’d never executed such plans. Why that night in particular? We should have investigated.
Jack was imprisoned because he had faith. Because he never gave up hope or the idea that his little girl wasn’t actually dead. Hell, he contacted his manipulative and cunning ex-wife, who’d betrayed him and the United States government, just to ask her for help, because he was desperate. He’d found the tape of Lazarey’s apparent “murder” at the hand of Sydney’s Julia Thorne alias. I mean, he knew she was alive. And actually, Vaughn had told me once how Jack had contacted him a few days before his wedding, with “important information regarding Sydney,” but that Vaughn had brushed it off as her father being angry that he was already getting married. What if that information had been the tape – the proof that she was alive? Thinking about all of that, it’s true – someone with faith should have read into that – taken their faith and their instinct and wrapped them into some kind of search… the way Jack had. And while he can’t be held completely accountable for not thinking she was alive when everything said she was dead, Vaughn should be accountable for the idea that she would have waited. I mean, it’s hard to say what one might do if the situation is reversed. But looking at Sydney, and thinking about what they had together, I really believe her. She would have waited. She never would have moved on. She would've scoured the earth in search of him or better proof, at least, that he was dead or alive. He was different than Danny. They were different. I know this because I know things now that Vaughn doesn’t know... and because I know things that Vaughn doesn't know that I know.
Vaughn is careful what he tells me about Sydney these days. Probably because whenever he has brought it up, he looks to me for some kind of guidance and all I can ever say is: “Do I think you should stay in a loveless marriage? No. But if you think for a second that I’m going to tell you to leave your wife, you can forget about it.” Hell, he’s even asked me if you can be in love with two people at once – that was a definite “no” from me. So Vaughn is more selective and guarded when he brings up Sydney with me. But Sydney, she still talks to me about Vaughn, even if it's hard for her to hear my response sometimes. She needs a confidante, and I’m there for her. So I know.
I know about Vaughn helping Sydney escape to Rome when Lauren sold her out for Lazarey’s death. I know that he told her that “though some things have changed, some things haven’t.” I know he told her that he couldn’t lose her again. She told me what he’d said when she was half-drunk, but mostly confused. She didn’t get why he’d tell her that. She couldn’t get why he helped bust her out of federal prison… when he had his wife to go back to. She couldn’t figure out why, when she’d kissed him, thinking she was still in a dream state, he’d hesitated before pushing her away. When she gets so confused over his actions like that, I get mad at Vaughn for being the idiot that leads to her confusion – saying and doing things only unmarried men should be doing. I get mad at Lauren for so blindly looking the other way and not just asking for a divorce. And Syd – her I want to take back to a time when Francie was alive, Will was here to help comfort her, and Vaughn was around so she didn’t need comforting anyway.
Will. I know about Will. She told me she’d gotten drunk with him, confiding in him like old times – realizing that with Will, despite him being in witness protection, their relationship would always be the same. How comforting that thought must have been. Lord knows Will has always loved Sydney – even I knew that. She was his login password at the CIA for crying outloud. But they won’t ever be together because she’s never loved him like that – like the way she still loves Vaughn. She told me what she’d said to Will – about how before she went missing, she’d never been a depressed person, but that now, coming back to everything in her life being completely different, she can’t help but feel depressed.
That’s probably the worst part about all of this – the way it’s crushed her spirit. I mean, she’s never ceased to amaze me. Because after everything she’s been through: her mother dying before she could get to know her, her father emotionally shutting off as soon as that happened and never really being there for her, finding her fiancé murdered, learning that her employers had done it, learning she was working for the people she thought she was fighting, being betrayed by a man who’d been part of her life for so many years who pretended to care about her well-being, finding out her father was the man he was – a double agent in SD-6 for the CIA, having to learn to work with the Jack Bristow as both a double-agent and learning to build a relationship with him, risking her life to protect her country and her loved ones, denying her heart because of leftover Danny-guilt and protocol and Alice, finding out her mother was actually a KGB spy who killed the father of the man she loves, finding out a man she cared about and who loved her was actually a paid assassin, finding out her mother was actually still alive, learning to trust her mother only to be betrayed again, finding out she is part of some 500 year old prophet's endgame that may end the world... after all of that, she stayed strong. She kept working to end evil, she kept smiling and laughing and having fun, and she kept loving. In a lot of ways, she’s always been untouchable, unbreakable. But it turns out that it’s not a matter of how many times her heart’s been broken, how many people she loses, or how many times she’s been betrayed… it’s who she loses, who betrays her, and who breaks her heart.
It wasn’t the loss of her mother’s death or Danny’s death that broke her; it was losing her father to her mother’s betrayal, losing Francie to death as a result of her job, losing Will to the system, losing herself to two years of her life that she can't account for, and losing Vaughn to another woman.
It wasn’t the betrayal of Sloane, her mother, or the faux-Francie that broke her; it was finding out Vaughn gave up on her and moved onto another woman so quickly.
It wasn’t the broken heart of all of the loss and betrayal she’s endured that crushed her spirit; it was – no, it is – seeing Vaughn and Lauren together every day, and everything, warm or cold, that Vaughn ever says to her, reminding her of what was, what isn’t, and what she thinks will never be.
I talked to Will after she’d revealed this conversation to me. I asked him if he thought she was okay, and if he was okay with everything. Turns out, he’d imagined sleeping with Sydney for 8 years – so for him, it was fulfilling a fantasy while being there for a friend in need. He knew what it was and what it wasn’t, and he didn’t mind. Sydney did it for comfort and familiarity – she thought it’d help her move on. But not from Vaughn onto Will. Just “in general.” Like it would kick her out of her depression.
In a way, it kind of helped. It reminded her who she does still have in her life. What hasn’t changed, or the few things that have changed for the better. She knows that Will, though she would never ask him to, would come out of hiding if she needed him to be there for her. She, last night, revealed how she loves me as a friend, and thanked me for being there for her since she’s been back. She thanked me for listening to her talk about Vaughn and answer her questions without complaint, even though she knows it’s a rough situation for me, stuck between them. She thanked me for being her best friend and knowing how to make her laugh. I tried to tell her not to thank me. She’s my best friend too. Her and Vaughn. I mean, she and I were always friends, but until she’d come back, we’d never really had a chance to get to know one another. And knowing her, I understand. She’s also a great listener and an even better person. We’ve shared stories from the past, I ask her for advice on women, and she has a great heart. And there’s her strengthened relationship with her father. Coming back, her and Jack have a new bond and a better understanding of one another. I’m happy for them. Marshall and Dixon are still the same people, even if their roles have extended, Marshall as a husband and father, and Dixon as the new director. She’s grateful for all of that.
But beyond seeing the relationships she has, she can’t move past the void of Vaughn. She told me she doesn’t see herself dating or marrying. Ever. I mean, she’d felt like it was too soon to date for months after Danny, not realizing until Taipei that she’d fallen in love with Vaughn, but still hadn't completely dismissed the idea of being with another man. Though she’d loved Danny with all her heart and had been in love with him, it wasn’t until Vaughn that she realized why her and Danny didn’t have what she’d always dreamed of – they didn’t have the honesty she had with Vaughn, Danny didn’t have the ability to sense how she was feeling or break down all of her walls like Vaughn could. Danny knew her heart, but it belonged to Vaughn. And so did her soul.
And that’s part of the reason I know Sydney means it when she says she would have waited for Vaughn. Because of how she loves him, because of how she’s coping, and most of all, because she is waiting for Vaughn. Physically, on the surface, she’s doing better than Vaughn was when he lost her. He was gone for awhile, and then he was an alcoholic who saw things and wanted to kill himself. She, at least, is staying in the fight – she’s at work, she shows up and puts on a smile, she’s trying to live. But emotionally, well that’s a tough call. Her eyes don’t light up like they used to, she can't eat much of anything anymore, and beyond that, she’s still waiting. For him. He didn’t wait that long to move on. He was dating Lauren a little less than nine months after Sydney died. It’s been almost a full year since she’s returned, and she still hasn’t moved on. There are agents whom I’ve watched hit on her, and she just dismisses it. I know one of our neighbors has been pestering her for dinner or coffee, and she always just politely declines. She’s waiting with a dying hope. But her faith remains intact.
There are other reasons I know this is true.
I know about North Korea. I know that her and Vaughn were about to be executed, and thinking it was the last thing he would ever do, he decided to tell her the truth. I know that Vaughn told her that in his life there “is only one person,” being Sydney, and that he was going to tell her he loved her but she stopped him. Because she knew. Because it’s the same for her. I know she told him they’d “find each other,” because they always do. And I know that he kissed her, and that she kissed him back. I know this because that night, after they came back, when he ran straight into Lauren’s arms, and she to her dad’s, she then ran into mine. I came over to her house for dinner: pizza, beer, and our friend Jose Cuervo. And somewhere between slices 1 and 2, because her appetite has been pretty sad since she’s been back, and shot number 5 or 6, she just broke down. And she told me all about it. About how she couldn’t let him finish telling her he loves her because of how much she loves him. She said they never needed the words, but the words would be too hard to hear if they were still going to end up apart. She admitted that she wishes she'd let him finish. She also confessed how afterwards, she hoped that maybe something might happen for them. That maybe he’d realize that him and Lauren weren’t meant to be. She confessed that she didn’t want to break up his marriage, she didn’t want to be the reason they got a divorce, but that at the same time, she hoped that he would realize that him and Lauren were like Sydney and Danny. Yes it was love, but it wasn’t everlasting and it wasn’t the same.
I know that she told Barnett the same thing, about not wanting to be the reason Mike and Lauren separate, hoping it’d be because he wanted something more. I also know that she told Barnett she thought he was her soulmate. That’s how I know that she would’ve waited for him. That’s how I know that she is waiting for him, even if she no longer has any hope of being with him. She’s still waiting. Hopelessly, yet faithfully, waiting. And that’s what’s heartbreaking to watch.
I know she doesn’t hold onto any hope because of last night. Him and Lauren were separating. He told her they were. She, completely sincerely, had told him how sorry she was that him and Lauren had to go through this. But also that she was hopeful, for herself, and how scary that was. And he’d asked her out to coffee, giving her more reason to be hopeful, and more reason to be scared. But then, in just a phone call, he killed all of her hope. She knew he went back to Lauren, and I knew he did it out of obligation or guilt. But all of the sudden, he told her coffee was off, and then she knew that they had no more hope of getting back together.
But even with all of her hope crushed, she’s still waiting. Even after I told her no one would blame her for hating him for going back to Lauren, she still admitted it’s not Vaughn she hates. She still protected Vaughn, worried that Lauren might be the Covenant mole. I was worried she just wanted to find flaws in Lauren, but I thought about it, and I believe her that she actually thinks it might be Lauren, not just hoping it is. Because she cares too much about Vaughn to ever wish something like that upon him. Which actually worries me. The idea that Lauren could really be betraying him. Betraying this country. He called me today and had me tap her phone. I didn't know why until I talked to Syd. She'd suggested to him that it was possible she saw Lauren kill Cipher in that club... that it was possible that Lauren was actually the Covenant mole. And he yelled at her... he accused Sydney of bringing it up because of how badly things had worked out for the two of them. Jackass. I almost beat him when she told me the story. ANd I was there when Jack reported to Sydney how his conversation with Vaughn went. Vaughn said he knows the woman he's married to. I hope he's right. I mean, he wasn't exactly cordial towards Jack - just defensive. Even Vaughn had told me the story of his conversation with Jack when I asked. Ugly. But it obviously riled him into action... because soon enough, I was tapping Lauren's phone for him. If Lauren really is Covenant, then we are really going to have a problem. That means that she will be involved with the organization who stole Sydney's eggs... the background of that story I still don't know. I don't even know if Sydney knows. All I just that we went to stop the Rambaldi-Chosen One fertilization which Sark was overseeing, meaning that somehow the Covenant got her eggs, which means the Covenant was responsible for her disappearance. And if Lauren is Covenant then, Lauren was partially responsible for Sydney's disappearance, for everything that happened to her that we don't know about, and for marrying Mike when she knew Sydney was alive... And if that is the case, I will have to fight the intense urge to kill her, Sydney will need her own comforting but will probably throw all of her energy into trying to help Vaughn, who will probably blindly and moronically push her away and hurt her more and damage their relationship further, and he will be forced to face the same crossroads Jack Bristow once faced. But that's another thought for another day.
Back to Sydney and how she's still faithfully waiting, even though she's stopped hoping. Even after enduring today, seeing them together when she was so close to being with him again, she still turned down the agent that asked her to dinner and dancing. She still turned down the neighbor who wanted coffee. And in fact, today, she told him, “Look, you’re really sweet, but I don’t want to give you the impression that every time I say no, there’s some hope I’ll say yes in the future. I just, don’t want to date right now. And I don’t see that happening. It’s really not you. I just… can’t. I’m sorry.” And that’s how I’m sure she’s still waiting, without hope. Just waiting.
Tonight, during our drink-fest, she asked me about Vaughn and Lauren’s relationship. I told her how it's been kind, but lacking compassion. It's been sweet, but lacking passion or vigor. They are friendly, but they are not best friends. They are cute, but they aren't tender. I told her how Lauren had forgotten the anniversary of Vaughn’s death. She was shocked – even she had remembered. And some time in between her questions, I asked her one of my own. I asked why she’s waiting, and what she’s waiting for. She said she knows that they’ll never get back together. She knows he’ll never leave his wife and that she’ll always just be wishing she could be with him. So she’s not waiting for him. She’s just waiting because she knows she’ll never find what they had without him. She knows nothing will come of it, but she’d rather live her life knowing that she’s being honest with herself and knowing what’s real than try to fill the void with a relationship that is close, but not really the right one.
The tears didn’t come until she revealed something that truly did break my heart for her, and kind of made me want to go tell Vaughn to find a new best friend.
*flashback – earlier in the night*
“I know he’s my soul mate, but I guess I’m just not his. And you know, that’s okay. Because I can’t pretend that I don’t feel that way. I can’t convince myself that there’s someone better out there for me. He was the one, and without him, there is no one.” She paused to take a deep breath in some attempt at stopping the tears that had begun to fall. Focusing on her hands, and the glass of liquor she held, she managed to choke out the rest of what she wanted to say to me. “I know that I moved on after Danny. And you know, because I’ve told you, that I- I figured out that Danny was-wasn’t the one. Not for me. He was great, he filled a place in my heart, and I would’ve married him. But we weren’t meant for each other. Sooner or later, it would have ended. Sooner or later, my heart would have searched for Vaughn. That’s how I…” she paused again to wipe more tears, “that’s how I know that I can’t date. Because while I was capable of moving on after Danny, I just ca-can’t after Vaughn. But what hurts is that he just-just doesn’t see it like that. He did manage to move on… to her. And what I think I’m realizing is that he did that because maybe I was his Danny. I was there, but he found something better… I know he still loves me, but just… not enough, I guess… But that doesn’t even matter, because even if he never wants to be with me, even if I’m not his soul mate, he’s still mine and I still love him. And I will stay eternally in love with him. And I can’t just stop. It’s been a year and I still can’t stop. It’d be unfair and a lie to date now.” By now she was sobbing. “I have faith in us, don’t you see? I don’t have any false hope that we’re going to end up together. But I have faith that we should be – that there’s no one else for me. And because of that faith, it doesn’t matter if he wants me. Because I am always going to want him.” She cried, and I held her, until she fell asleep.
*end flashback*
And now here I am, watching her sleep, making sure she’s okay. Sydney gives me hope that I’ll find someone to devote myself to, who’ll devote herself to me in the same way. I want to tell her she’s wrong – Mike does want her, she is his soul mate, he does love her. But that’s not my place. And if he can’t get his act together enough to tell her, then I’m going to continue to just sit here and make sure she’s okay.
With that thought, noting her shallow breathing, I pull her comforter up to her chin, grab a blanket from her linen closet, and take my rightful place on her couch. All of that thinking and analyzing must have worn me out, because it only takes me about a minute to fall asleep myself.
**Less than an hour later...
I am jolted from my slumber by a loud, piercing scream. Confused for a few seconds, I suddenly remember where I am, and who the scream must have come from.
I sprint to Sydney’s room faster than I knew possible, only to see that she is still asleep, tossing and turning, flailing her arms, her comforter thrown on the floor… and crying? She’s crying in her sleep. I realize it must be a nightmare. She’s been having them since we got back from that mission to stop the fertilization of her eggs and that Rambaldi tissue. She said she can’t tell me what they’re about, and I’ve never seen what they’re like.. until now. Terrifying. Immobilizing. Heartwrenching.
I am moved from my train of thought when I hear her mumbling.
"No... nine months... is nothing... He loves me. Loves... me... none months... nothing..."
"Syd?" I shake her shoulder lightly, hoping to wake her. What's she talking about? Nine months? Lauren was in the picture nine months after she went missing... but she doesn't know that... this doesn't make any sense... what is she talking about...
"Syd. Wake up. Sweetie, it's just a dream." I am unsuccessful in waking her, so I keep trying to comfort her while restraining her flailing arms so she doesn't hurt herself.
"Please... Vaughn... come get me... where are you... my... guardian angel... NO! Don't. ...please... just leave me alone... no... no! Really? If my name is Julia Thorne, then how come my name is Sydney Bristow!? ....no... stop... Aaah! No. Please... no more... Vaughn, where are you... I need you... not... dead... I'm not dead... please... love... you..."
I suddenly stop moving. Stop breathing. Oh... oh, my God. Is she... remembering? That sounds like she's being tortured and calling out to Vaughn... it sounds like she knows he thinks she's dead. But she didn't remember anything from the last two years... how is she suddenly having a nightmare about it?
"SYD! WAKE UP!" I shout at her, shaking her shoulders a little harder to get her to wake up. Her nightmare sounds intense, and she's started just screaming. She needs to wake up. And after I calm her down, I need to ask her some questions.
She suddenly goes still... I take a few seconds to breathe, and luckily I move off of her, because mere moments later, she bolts upright in her bed, fully awake, and just starts sobbing.
"Hey, Syd. Come here. It's okay. Whatever you're seeing... it's not real... you're home... I'm going to take care of you. Okay?"
She simply whimpers in response, and nuzzles her head into my shirt, soaking it with her tears. Comfort now, I'll ask my questions tomorrow... and I rock her back to sleep and go back to sleep on the couch.
-------------------------------------------
TBC...
*Weiss point of view*
I watched her sleep. If it wasn’t for Mike, I think I’d sleep better. After nights like tonight, including her and I with a bottle of tequila, her memories, and her curiosity about Mike and Lauren, I find it impossible to sleep. I’m afraid I’ll get a call in the middle of the night that they found her dead of a broken heart, or sleeping pills, or from crying to the point of dehydration.
I know Sydney is still in love with him. It’s almost heartbreaking to see and listen to her talk about him. Ask about him. And ask about her. My opinion of her. Lauren. A few months ago, when Sydney first came back, when I’d first gotten her moved in, I remember telling her Lauren was nice. I didn’t want her to get upset when no one hated Lauren for being with “Michael.” I really did mean it at the time.
But as the months progress, I like Lauren less and less. I’m grateful, to some degree, that she was there for him when he thought he’d never love anyone ever again – when he was drowning in alcohol and suicidal thoughts. But something about her lately seems off – seems fake, even. The way she rubs her marriage in Sydney’s face, just because she’s insecure about Sydney’s return and angry that Syd and Mike work together, her inability to be as devoted to Vaughn as Sydney was… as Sydney is – something about it all just isn’t right. And I know that a few nights ago, he told Lauren he wanted to separate. He’d asked to staat my house. I mean, I felt bad for him for having to go through that, and it sucks because he’s a honorable guy and there’s no way anyone would ever be able to actually tell him to leave his own wife, but at the same time, part of me thought “finally.” But then tonight, the way Lauren played on his sense of obligation, on his guilt, to get him to stay with her. I’m starting to really hate her. And I’m starting to feel less bad for him. It takes two people for a mess like that to work out – the one doing the guilting... and the one letting themselves be guilted...
Vaughn. I mean, I do feel bad for him. And he is still my best friend – I just no longer agree with his decisions in life. I meant it when I’d told Sydney that he wasn’t cavalier about moving on – he really wasn’t. In some ways, I don’t think it’s wrong that he did move on. But I definitely think he rushed it. I’ve been thinking about it all ever since he told me how Syd had called him out on losing faith, how she would have waited…
They got married only a year after Sydney “died.” They’d only been dating a few months. And while I thought it was healthy to move on, I didn’t mean he should rush and frankly, I didn’t really mean to another woman. I just meant in general. Kind of the way Sydney said she’s trying to move on. “In general.”
For a long while, I agreed with Mike – it wasn’t a loss of faith; they found her DNA in the body, proving she was dead. He needed to get on with his life and learn to be happy again. Granted, I didn’t mean date and get married, but if that’s what he needed, I was for it. But then I keep thinking about Sydney’s words. “After everything they’ve seen,” and it’s true they’ve seen a lot. It was plausible that she actually was not dead. Dental records can be easily faked as verification of a person’s death. Well, not for normal civilians, but for CIA agents who seem to forever be the victim of somebody else’s endgame or revenge, it’s completely possible. And as I think about it, even more than likely. They’ve seen people who were supposed to be dead for over 20 years come out of hiding, they’ve seen people escape horrendous deaths, they’ve luckily and narrowly escaped death several times themselves. And with all these groups with some interest in these Rambaldi prophecies that tie so closely to Sydney’s family, it isn’t a wonder that people would want to take her. Even the timing should have made us question it. There had been plenty of opportunities for people to kill her, and they’d never executed such plans. Why that night in particular? We should have investigated.
Jack was imprisoned because he had faith. Because he never gave up hope or the idea that his little girl wasn’t actually dead. Hell, he contacted his manipulative and cunning ex-wife, who’d betrayed him and the United States government, just to ask her for help, because he was desperate. He’d found the tape of Lazarey’s apparent “murder” at the hand of Sydney’s Julia Thorne alias. I mean, he knew she was alive. And actually, Vaughn had told me once how Jack had contacted him a few days before his wedding, with “important information regarding Sydney,” but that Vaughn had brushed it off as her father being angry that he was already getting married. What if that information had been the tape – the proof that she was alive? Thinking about all of that, it’s true – someone with faith should have read into that – taken their faith and their instinct and wrapped them into some kind of search… the way Jack had. And while he can’t be held completely accountable for not thinking she was alive when everything said she was dead, Vaughn should be accountable for the idea that she would have waited. I mean, it’s hard to say what one might do if the situation is reversed. But looking at Sydney, and thinking about what they had together, I really believe her. She would have waited. She never would have moved on. She would've scoured the earth in search of him or better proof, at least, that he was dead or alive. He was different than Danny. They were different. I know this because I know things now that Vaughn doesn’t know... and because I know things that Vaughn doesn't know that I know.
Vaughn is careful what he tells me about Sydney these days. Probably because whenever he has brought it up, he looks to me for some kind of guidance and all I can ever say is: “Do I think you should stay in a loveless marriage? No. But if you think for a second that I’m going to tell you to leave your wife, you can forget about it.” Hell, he’s even asked me if you can be in love with two people at once – that was a definite “no” from me. So Vaughn is more selective and guarded when he brings up Sydney with me. But Sydney, she still talks to me about Vaughn, even if it's hard for her to hear my response sometimes. She needs a confidante, and I’m there for her. So I know.
I know about Vaughn helping Sydney escape to Rome when Lauren sold her out for Lazarey’s death. I know that he told her that “though some things have changed, some things haven’t.” I know he told her that he couldn’t lose her again. She told me what he’d said when she was half-drunk, but mostly confused. She didn’t get why he’d tell her that. She couldn’t get why he helped bust her out of federal prison… when he had his wife to go back to. She couldn’t figure out why, when she’d kissed him, thinking she was still in a dream state, he’d hesitated before pushing her away. When she gets so confused over his actions like that, I get mad at Vaughn for being the idiot that leads to her confusion – saying and doing things only unmarried men should be doing. I get mad at Lauren for so blindly looking the other way and not just asking for a divorce. And Syd – her I want to take back to a time when Francie was alive, Will was here to help comfort her, and Vaughn was around so she didn’t need comforting anyway.
Will. I know about Will. She told me she’d gotten drunk with him, confiding in him like old times – realizing that with Will, despite him being in witness protection, their relationship would always be the same. How comforting that thought must have been. Lord knows Will has always loved Sydney – even I knew that. She was his login password at the CIA for crying outloud. But they won’t ever be together because she’s never loved him like that – like the way she still loves Vaughn. She told me what she’d said to Will – about how before she went missing, she’d never been a depressed person, but that now, coming back to everything in her life being completely different, she can’t help but feel depressed.
That’s probably the worst part about all of this – the way it’s crushed her spirit. I mean, she’s never ceased to amaze me. Because after everything she’s been through: her mother dying before she could get to know her, her father emotionally shutting off as soon as that happened and never really being there for her, finding her fiancé murdered, learning that her employers had done it, learning she was working for the people she thought she was fighting, being betrayed by a man who’d been part of her life for so many years who pretended to care about her well-being, finding out her father was the man he was – a double agent in SD-6 for the CIA, having to learn to work with the Jack Bristow as both a double-agent and learning to build a relationship with him, risking her life to protect her country and her loved ones, denying her heart because of leftover Danny-guilt and protocol and Alice, finding out her mother was actually a KGB spy who killed the father of the man she loves, finding out a man she cared about and who loved her was actually a paid assassin, finding out her mother was actually still alive, learning to trust her mother only to be betrayed again, finding out she is part of some 500 year old prophet's endgame that may end the world... after all of that, she stayed strong. She kept working to end evil, she kept smiling and laughing and having fun, and she kept loving. In a lot of ways, she’s always been untouchable, unbreakable. But it turns out that it’s not a matter of how many times her heart’s been broken, how many people she loses, or how many times she’s been betrayed… it’s who she loses, who betrays her, and who breaks her heart.
It wasn’t the loss of her mother’s death or Danny’s death that broke her; it was losing her father to her mother’s betrayal, losing Francie to death as a result of her job, losing Will to the system, losing herself to two years of her life that she can't account for, and losing Vaughn to another woman.
It wasn’t the betrayal of Sloane, her mother, or the faux-Francie that broke her; it was finding out Vaughn gave up on her and moved onto another woman so quickly.
It wasn’t the broken heart of all of the loss and betrayal she’s endured that crushed her spirit; it was – no, it is – seeing Vaughn and Lauren together every day, and everything, warm or cold, that Vaughn ever says to her, reminding her of what was, what isn’t, and what she thinks will never be.
I talked to Will after she’d revealed this conversation to me. I asked him if he thought she was okay, and if he was okay with everything. Turns out, he’d imagined sleeping with Sydney for 8 years – so for him, it was fulfilling a fantasy while being there for a friend in need. He knew what it was and what it wasn’t, and he didn’t mind. Sydney did it for comfort and familiarity – she thought it’d help her move on. But not from Vaughn onto Will. Just “in general.” Like it would kick her out of her depression.
In a way, it kind of helped. It reminded her who she does still have in her life. What hasn’t changed, or the few things that have changed for the better. She knows that Will, though she would never ask him to, would come out of hiding if she needed him to be there for her. She, last night, revealed how she loves me as a friend, and thanked me for being there for her since she’s been back. She thanked me for listening to her talk about Vaughn and answer her questions without complaint, even though she knows it’s a rough situation for me, stuck between them. She thanked me for being her best friend and knowing how to make her laugh. I tried to tell her not to thank me. She’s my best friend too. Her and Vaughn. I mean, she and I were always friends, but until she’d come back, we’d never really had a chance to get to know one another. And knowing her, I understand. She’s also a great listener and an even better person. We’ve shared stories from the past, I ask her for advice on women, and she has a great heart. And there’s her strengthened relationship with her father. Coming back, her and Jack have a new bond and a better understanding of one another. I’m happy for them. Marshall and Dixon are still the same people, even if their roles have extended, Marshall as a husband and father, and Dixon as the new director. She’s grateful for all of that.
But beyond seeing the relationships she has, she can’t move past the void of Vaughn. She told me she doesn’t see herself dating or marrying. Ever. I mean, she’d felt like it was too soon to date for months after Danny, not realizing until Taipei that she’d fallen in love with Vaughn, but still hadn't completely dismissed the idea of being with another man. Though she’d loved Danny with all her heart and had been in love with him, it wasn’t until Vaughn that she realized why her and Danny didn’t have what she’d always dreamed of – they didn’t have the honesty she had with Vaughn, Danny didn’t have the ability to sense how she was feeling or break down all of her walls like Vaughn could. Danny knew her heart, but it belonged to Vaughn. And so did her soul.
And that’s part of the reason I know Sydney means it when she says she would have waited for Vaughn. Because of how she loves him, because of how she’s coping, and most of all, because she is waiting for Vaughn. Physically, on the surface, she’s doing better than Vaughn was when he lost her. He was gone for awhile, and then he was an alcoholic who saw things and wanted to kill himself. She, at least, is staying in the fight – she’s at work, she shows up and puts on a smile, she’s trying to live. But emotionally, well that’s a tough call. Her eyes don’t light up like they used to, she can't eat much of anything anymore, and beyond that, she’s still waiting. For him. He didn’t wait that long to move on. He was dating Lauren a little less than nine months after Sydney died. It’s been almost a full year since she’s returned, and she still hasn’t moved on. There are agents whom I’ve watched hit on her, and she just dismisses it. I know one of our neighbors has been pestering her for dinner or coffee, and she always just politely declines. She’s waiting with a dying hope. But her faith remains intact.
There are other reasons I know this is true.
I know about North Korea. I know that her and Vaughn were about to be executed, and thinking it was the last thing he would ever do, he decided to tell her the truth. I know that Vaughn told her that in his life there “is only one person,” being Sydney, and that he was going to tell her he loved her but she stopped him. Because she knew. Because it’s the same for her. I know she told him they’d “find each other,” because they always do. And I know that he kissed her, and that she kissed him back. I know this because that night, after they came back, when he ran straight into Lauren’s arms, and she to her dad’s, she then ran into mine. I came over to her house for dinner: pizza, beer, and our friend Jose Cuervo. And somewhere between slices 1 and 2, because her appetite has been pretty sad since she’s been back, and shot number 5 or 6, she just broke down. And she told me all about it. About how she couldn’t let him finish telling her he loves her because of how much she loves him. She said they never needed the words, but the words would be too hard to hear if they were still going to end up apart. She admitted that she wishes she'd let him finish. She also confessed how afterwards, she hoped that maybe something might happen for them. That maybe he’d realize that him and Lauren weren’t meant to be. She confessed that she didn’t want to break up his marriage, she didn’t want to be the reason they got a divorce, but that at the same time, she hoped that he would realize that him and Lauren were like Sydney and Danny. Yes it was love, but it wasn’t everlasting and it wasn’t the same.
I know that she told Barnett the same thing, about not wanting to be the reason Mike and Lauren separate, hoping it’d be because he wanted something more. I also know that she told Barnett she thought he was her soulmate. That’s how I know that she would’ve waited for him. That’s how I know that she is waiting for him, even if she no longer has any hope of being with him. She’s still waiting. Hopelessly, yet faithfully, waiting. And that’s what’s heartbreaking to watch.
I know she doesn’t hold onto any hope because of last night. Him and Lauren were separating. He told her they were. She, completely sincerely, had told him how sorry she was that him and Lauren had to go through this. But also that she was hopeful, for herself, and how scary that was. And he’d asked her out to coffee, giving her more reason to be hopeful, and more reason to be scared. But then, in just a phone call, he killed all of her hope. She knew he went back to Lauren, and I knew he did it out of obligation or guilt. But all of the sudden, he told her coffee was off, and then she knew that they had no more hope of getting back together.
But even with all of her hope crushed, she’s still waiting. Even after I told her no one would blame her for hating him for going back to Lauren, she still admitted it’s not Vaughn she hates. She still protected Vaughn, worried that Lauren might be the Covenant mole. I was worried she just wanted to find flaws in Lauren, but I thought about it, and I believe her that she actually thinks it might be Lauren, not just hoping it is. Because she cares too much about Vaughn to ever wish something like that upon him. Which actually worries me. The idea that Lauren could really be betraying him. Betraying this country. He called me today and had me tap her phone. I didn't know why until I talked to Syd. She'd suggested to him that it was possible she saw Lauren kill Cipher in that club... that it was possible that Lauren was actually the Covenant mole. And he yelled at her... he accused Sydney of bringing it up because of how badly things had worked out for the two of them. Jackass. I almost beat him when she told me the story. ANd I was there when Jack reported to Sydney how his conversation with Vaughn went. Vaughn said he knows the woman he's married to. I hope he's right. I mean, he wasn't exactly cordial towards Jack - just defensive. Even Vaughn had told me the story of his conversation with Jack when I asked. Ugly. But it obviously riled him into action... because soon enough, I was tapping Lauren's phone for him. If Lauren really is Covenant, then we are really going to have a problem. That means that she will be involved with the organization who stole Sydney's eggs... the background of that story I still don't know. I don't even know if Sydney knows. All I just that we went to stop the Rambaldi-Chosen One fertilization which Sark was overseeing, meaning that somehow the Covenant got her eggs, which means the Covenant was responsible for her disappearance. And if Lauren is Covenant then, Lauren was partially responsible for Sydney's disappearance, for everything that happened to her that we don't know about, and for marrying Mike when she knew Sydney was alive... And if that is the case, I will have to fight the intense urge to kill her, Sydney will need her own comforting but will probably throw all of her energy into trying to help Vaughn, who will probably blindly and moronically push her away and hurt her more and damage their relationship further, and he will be forced to face the same crossroads Jack Bristow once faced. But that's another thought for another day.
Back to Sydney and how she's still faithfully waiting, even though she's stopped hoping. Even after enduring today, seeing them together when she was so close to being with him again, she still turned down the agent that asked her to dinner and dancing. She still turned down the neighbor who wanted coffee. And in fact, today, she told him, “Look, you’re really sweet, but I don’t want to give you the impression that every time I say no, there’s some hope I’ll say yes in the future. I just, don’t want to date right now. And I don’t see that happening. It’s really not you. I just… can’t. I’m sorry.” And that’s how I’m sure she’s still waiting, without hope. Just waiting.
Tonight, during our drink-fest, she asked me about Vaughn and Lauren’s relationship. I told her how it's been kind, but lacking compassion. It's been sweet, but lacking passion or vigor. They are friendly, but they are not best friends. They are cute, but they aren't tender. I told her how Lauren had forgotten the anniversary of Vaughn’s death. She was shocked – even she had remembered. And some time in between her questions, I asked her one of my own. I asked why she’s waiting, and what she’s waiting for. She said she knows that they’ll never get back together. She knows he’ll never leave his wife and that she’ll always just be wishing she could be with him. So she’s not waiting for him. She’s just waiting because she knows she’ll never find what they had without him. She knows nothing will come of it, but she’d rather live her life knowing that she’s being honest with herself and knowing what’s real than try to fill the void with a relationship that is close, but not really the right one.
The tears didn’t come until she revealed something that truly did break my heart for her, and kind of made me want to go tell Vaughn to find a new best friend.
*flashback – earlier in the night*
“I know he’s my soul mate, but I guess I’m just not his. And you know, that’s okay. Because I can’t pretend that I don’t feel that way. I can’t convince myself that there’s someone better out there for me. He was the one, and without him, there is no one.” She paused to take a deep breath in some attempt at stopping the tears that had begun to fall. Focusing on her hands, and the glass of liquor she held, she managed to choke out the rest of what she wanted to say to me. “I know that I moved on after Danny. And you know, because I’ve told you, that I- I figured out that Danny was-wasn’t the one. Not for me. He was great, he filled a place in my heart, and I would’ve married him. But we weren’t meant for each other. Sooner or later, it would have ended. Sooner or later, my heart would have searched for Vaughn. That’s how I…” she paused again to wipe more tears, “that’s how I know that I can’t date. Because while I was capable of moving on after Danny, I just ca-can’t after Vaughn. But what hurts is that he just-just doesn’t see it like that. He did manage to move on… to her. And what I think I’m realizing is that he did that because maybe I was his Danny. I was there, but he found something better… I know he still loves me, but just… not enough, I guess… But that doesn’t even matter, because even if he never wants to be with me, even if I’m not his soul mate, he’s still mine and I still love him. And I will stay eternally in love with him. And I can’t just stop. It’s been a year and I still can’t stop. It’d be unfair and a lie to date now.” By now she was sobbing. “I have faith in us, don’t you see? I don’t have any false hope that we’re going to end up together. But I have faith that we should be – that there’s no one else for me. And because of that faith, it doesn’t matter if he wants me. Because I am always going to want him.” She cried, and I held her, until she fell asleep.
*end flashback*
And now here I am, watching her sleep, making sure she’s okay. Sydney gives me hope that I’ll find someone to devote myself to, who’ll devote herself to me in the same way. I want to tell her she’s wrong – Mike does want her, she is his soul mate, he does love her. But that’s not my place. And if he can’t get his act together enough to tell her, then I’m going to continue to just sit here and make sure she’s okay.
With that thought, noting her shallow breathing, I pull her comforter up to her chin, grab a blanket from her linen closet, and take my rightful place on her couch. All of that thinking and analyzing must have worn me out, because it only takes me about a minute to fall asleep myself.
**Less than an hour later...
I am jolted from my slumber by a loud, piercing scream. Confused for a few seconds, I suddenly remember where I am, and who the scream must have come from.
I sprint to Sydney’s room faster than I knew possible, only to see that she is still asleep, tossing and turning, flailing her arms, her comforter thrown on the floor… and crying? She’s crying in her sleep. I realize it must be a nightmare. She’s been having them since we got back from that mission to stop the fertilization of her eggs and that Rambaldi tissue. She said she can’t tell me what they’re about, and I’ve never seen what they’re like.. until now. Terrifying. Immobilizing. Heartwrenching.
I am moved from my train of thought when I hear her mumbling.
"No... nine months... is nothing... He loves me. Loves... me... none months... nothing..."
"Syd?" I shake her shoulder lightly, hoping to wake her. What's she talking about? Nine months? Lauren was in the picture nine months after she went missing... but she doesn't know that... this doesn't make any sense... what is she talking about...
"Syd. Wake up. Sweetie, it's just a dream." I am unsuccessful in waking her, so I keep trying to comfort her while restraining her flailing arms so she doesn't hurt herself.
"Please... Vaughn... come get me... where are you... my... guardian angel... NO! Don't. ...please... just leave me alone... no... no! Really? If my name is Julia Thorne, then how come my name is Sydney Bristow!? ....no... stop... Aaah! No. Please... no more... Vaughn, where are you... I need you... not... dead... I'm not dead... please... love... you..."
I suddenly stop moving. Stop breathing. Oh... oh, my God. Is she... remembering? That sounds like she's being tortured and calling out to Vaughn... it sounds like she knows he thinks she's dead. But she didn't remember anything from the last two years... how is she suddenly having a nightmare about it?
"SYD! WAKE UP!" I shout at her, shaking her shoulders a little harder to get her to wake up. Her nightmare sounds intense, and she's started just screaming. She needs to wake up. And after I calm her down, I need to ask her some questions.
She suddenly goes still... I take a few seconds to breathe, and luckily I move off of her, because mere moments later, she bolts upright in her bed, fully awake, and just starts sobbing.
"Hey, Syd. Come here. It's okay. Whatever you're seeing... it's not real... you're home... I'm going to take care of you. Okay?"
She simply whimpers in response, and nuzzles her head into my shirt, soaking it with her tears. Comfort now, I'll ask my questions tomorrow... and I rock her back to sleep and go back to sleep on the couch.
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TBC...