Just playin around

[Tom]

Now Trading:

Leg Chambers
Tway Latches
ChestBent Steering Wheels
Chrome Lifter Nubbles
Sneezer Sequencers
Borks
Kniferdites
Wintlesmackles
Likmus Strips
Stupidity Fluid
Deluxe Level Bubble Repair Kit
Assorted Bubbles
Lumber Stretcher
SternGate keys
14 buckets of steam
generator batteries
prelocked nuts
drip stabilizers
braided starter hoses
muffler bearings
Cornellius paste
chico pads
audio glassifiers

 

[Tom]

Crazythoughts.com - Funny Questions

Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?
Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?
How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your skin that color?
Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?
Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
Whats a question with no answer called?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?
If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
"What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"
Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?
Do bald people get dandruff?
Why doesn't baking soda freeze?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Why do bullies always ask "what’s your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?
Do stairs go up or down?
When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change
their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?

 

[Tom]

DarkSucker Theory

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

 

[Tom]

Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge (BOOK)

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works...

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.

Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.

Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Malandra, October 1997.

 

[Tom]

Pipe Specifications

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centred around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site.

NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recomended, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.

6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.

8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor won't mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes from bolts, quite seperate from the big holes in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14. Joints in pipes for water must be water tight. those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be air tight.

15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. this method is not recomended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by D. A. Willens, March 1995.

 

[Tom]

How to Spot Aliens at Work

(This article has been attributed to a number of different sources, mostly tabloid magazines, but apparently the real author is concealing his identity. Probably for fear of alien retaliation.)

Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They listed 10 signs to watch for:

1. Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.
2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might eat French fries with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say.
3. Bizarre sense of humor. "Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands," said Steiger.
4. Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist.
5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly gathering information," said Steiger.
6. Misuses everday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
7. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said. "For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger.
8. Secretive about personal lifestyle and home. "An alien won't discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends," said Steiger.
9. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so it may practice speaking," Steiger noted.
10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.

The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.

Based on an unoriginal Laugh of the Day, Jan 1997.

edit:new material today
I wanted a ChiliDog so I put my poodle in the freezer.

I wanted a HotDog so I put my Schnauzer in the Oven.

I went lookin for a noise but all I saw was images.

I woke up with skin all over me!

I'm just sitting here because I have a BONE in my leg!

I feel Like a surface-dwelling Air breather.

The weather has been very atmospheric lately.

Why do you need a hot water heater?

I am an Omnivore.

I am practicing syncronized smelling between my nostrils.

I'm a word-speaker.

I'm a meaning intender.

I've been feeling very earthbound.

He's in the hospital because he tried to wear the music home from the
dance. Everyone knows you dont put it on till ya get home!

I tried chewing tobacco but the matches tasted like sulfur and I kept
burning my lips.

I used the last of her fingernail polish painting the cat's wiskers.

Cats are pretty touchy!

I bumped my head and broke my hair. The doctor put it in a cast. It
comes off in 6 weeks.

MAA= Mouse Abusers Anonymous
The 12 click program
one log-on at a time

My darksucker got sick and puked light all over the place.

I have 2 jars of daylight savings already!

He had stupidity just drippin off him!

1part dedication + 1part commitment = all parts stupidity

I went to the counter and said "Ice Melter?" and the clerk said "Yeah,
I did Too!"

867-5309-i-ine

If you wear underwear on the outside is it outerwear or upperwear?

Have you ever noticed how distorted the screen gets after you sneeze?

I was fatigued and blended right into the scenery.

People get tired at night because moon beams are slower and heavier
and they pull down on your eyelids.

On the form they wanted to know what color my eyes were, I put 'Clear'
because I can see right through them.

My boss showed up and said he was going home cause he was half-drunk.
I asked him "First or Second half?"

I brush my teeth everytime one falls out. I gots a Wisk broom!

How do you know if it's a bagle hole or a donut hole?

Manager Donuts are sprinkled with stupidity.

Sex is like a .. .........................It's been so long I don't
remember what sex is like!

I really do have a bone in my leg.

I'm very efficient-I have my dog lick the plate before I put food on it.

I got my tires checked for free by the parking cop. It's a good thing
they didn't need a boot.

You can fit more pills in the bottle if you open all the capsules first.

I don't like milk of magnesium.

How come lighter fluid doesn't float away?

Money is mad at me!

Who put marshmellows on the curling iron?