Man, u know what’s weird? When I got to the office this morning, I saw my letter opener and totally got grossed out by it! Damn you, crazy jack! You’re starting to make ME crazy now! I’ve seen you do some crazy s**t the past 4 seasons but DUDE, that one scene is like seared onto my brain forever!! I’ll never look at a letter opener the same way again! Damn, you see how many exclamation points I’ve used in the recap already?!? I’m not even passed the first paragraph yet! F*cking jack!
So, the show starts off in Indonesia. Some terrorists group has this bomb thinger. Their target is an embassy in Indonesia. So the terrorist poses as a terror-immigrant looking for the visa office and has this terrorbag. He goes through security. Puts it through the X-ray. The security guy, which apparently got bought out by the terror group, sees the bomb and chooses to ignore it. Conveniently, he steps out for a cigarette break right after he sees the terrorbag go through. Damn. This guys totally sold out his coworkers BIG time. He would be perfect at APO. Stella! Recruit him! So terror-immigrant brings his terror-bag to the Visa office. Flirts with some girl for a lil <why?> Then leaves the terrorbag there. Next shot is of the entire building blowing up. Damn. I have a vacation planned in Bali this June. Remind me not to lose my passport cuz I do NOT want to have to go to the embassy there. I’ll just stay in Bali. F*ck it. They have McDonalds there, right?
APO briefing room. Sloane is giving everyone the lowdown on the bombing. Apparently there’s a new group out there that needed information from the embassy. So, the only way to get the info was to bomb the embassy. Embassy protocol when there’s a terrorbag bombing is to send all server information to some offshore servers. But in doing this, the terror group somehow was able to grab that info and find out where a sample of this week’s weapon is. <not this again> SO, this week’s weapon is called hydro-sick. I think. Well it should be called that because a small sample of that can turn normal water into waste sludge destroying an entire eco-system. Hmm, I guess the writers on the show are my age because they are totally stealing ideas from Captain Planet and the Planeteers. CIA has no intel on this group. But they DO have an undercover agent. This guy, Rhames. BUT Rhames has missed 3 meetings with his handler so they have no idea if he’s turned or what. <If his handler’s anything like Vaughn, I’d miss those meetings too. He’s better off on his own.> So, Sloane tasks Vaughn and Dixon to the field while Syd monitors from back at APO. Syd is monitoring?? And Vaughn is on a mission? Sloane, I think you still have Rambaldi on the brain again from last episode. It’s starting to affect your judgment. Sloane dismisses the team.
Phone call. It’s a collect call from the “spy orphanage hotline for nannies that have been beat down but are really secretly terror aunts”. It’s Sophia. She tells Hottya that she is on her way to LA and to pick her up from the airport. Hottya agrees. Syd talks to Hottya about it. Hottya confesses that she’s nervous of seeing Sophia because she was so different back then. A bad girl. She stole. Trained to be a spy. Slept with her bosses. In their offices. And now she is worried that Sophia might disapprove because she has a fat boyfriend. Let’s just get this whole first chunk of the storyline out of the way, shall we? Soooo, her and Syd are waiting at the airport. Hottya is worried that she won’t even recognize her. Whatever Hottya she’s been keeping a file on the both of you for your entire lives!! Whoops. Whatever. I know you guys only read this recap AFTER you’ve seen the full episode. If not, Whoops. So, someone wheels over Sophia. But LA-style Sophia because she’s got these shades on. Hottya smiles and says “oh Sophia, you don’t have to be stylin and profiling just because you’re in LA!” Sophia removes her shades and DUDE. She’s got BOTH her eyes messed up. Hottya and Syd are like , “EW! Put the shades back on! Please!” Sophia tells them she got jumped. Some bad men were looking for stuff.
They bring her to a hospital. Sloane shows up too. He says since she is family to Sophia, she is family to him as well. So he assures her she’s going to be in good care ……..and that he totally slept with her sister. Heh…jk. So yea, he shakes her hand. Leaves with Syd to head back to APO. Offers her a ride in that creepy perverted way he always does things when he interacts with Syd. Syd says no and then leaves. When she does, Sloane rips off a fingerprint stealer….thinger…..off his hand puts it in some ….fingerprint stealer….tupperwear….thinger. Sorry, my spy gadget coming up with cool names… thinger… isn’t working today. Back at APO, he gives it to Marshall to covertly analyze.
Dr’s office of Secret Spy Blood transfusions. CJ is strapped to a bunch of blood vials and guess he’s having his blood filtered…..with brita…or something. Dr. OverlyOpinionated is telling Jack that he had to up the dosage on some drug he’s on so he’ll be suffering some stronger side effects. Crazy Jack is like whatever. Radiation schmadiation. Just tell me when my third eye starts growing in the back of my head. I really want to learn to practice shooting backwards. Dr. OO says that they both know the outcome of this situation and it definitely does not involve shooting webs or crawling up walls. He tells CJ that he needs to come clean. CJ says that would take another lifetime. Damn right, CJ. I don’t even want to think about how many ppl he’s taken out in his lifetime. Dr. OO says to start off small. Talk to Sydney. Hey doc, why don’t you mind your own business before I start to think you’re evil or something? Uh oh. Did I just say that? Heehee.
Mission Van. Vaughn and Dixon are staking out some club. Waiting for the terror group to arrive. Dixon fesses up that he knows Rhames. They served together and he has a lot of respect for him. Vaughn doesn’t even look at him and is like “whatever. He’s turned. “ Dix is like, “what did you say white boy?” Vaughn is like, “don’t make me shoot you like I did that last episode.“ Dix grits his teeth but shuts up. OK that totally didn’t happen but how funny would that have been if it DID. So the terror group finally shows up. Looks like Rhames IS alive so they need to know what’s up.
In the hospital of lying-evil-psycho terrornannies. Sophia and Hottya are talking. Sophia: “You used to be so angry when you were little.” I wonder why? She grew up in an orphanage, feeling abandoned by the world. I’d be a little upset by that. Hottya: “But now I’m happy because I have a family and feel like I belong. And I have this boy toy who I’ve got wrapped around my little finger. It’s totally cool.” Sophia decides to give Hottya this medallion thing she’s wearing. It’s got a picture of a saint on it. Hottya puts it on. I just know that’s a bad idea.
CJ's office. His hand is mega dry and he must've had one mean suntan over the weekend JUST on his palm because it's peeling like crazy. And he's peeling the s**t out of it. Syd comes in. Says, "ew. Dad you need some lotion for that or something, freak? I can stop by target if you want over lunch." CJ makes up some stupid mission stuff about Dixon and Vaughn needing to follow Rhames and dismisses Syd.
Yet another club for baddies to meet in. We’ve seen some weird clubs on Alias but I can’t figure out what kinda club this one is. And why do baddies always meet in clubs? If they met somewhere else, maybe they wouldn’t get spied on. No one would think to look for them at a bakery or a library or a Laundromat. The reason baddies get caught is that they do stupid stuff like meet in clubs. Of course, maybe these baddies won’t get caught because Vaughn’s been sent to watch them. <why?> They are ordering some terrordrinks in the VIT section of the club. <that’s very important terrorist if you didn’t know> Guess Vaughn can’t get into the VIT section but they need to talk to Rhames. He surreptitiously sneaks a pill into his whiskey by bumping into the waitress carrying their drinks to them. Rhames takes his shot and then feels all weird so he runs to the bathroom to yak. Hmmm, that’s odd. I have a lot of friends that just do that anyway without that pill. Wait. I do that. Maybe spies are trying to isolate me! Every weekend! So Rhames is yakking in the bathroom. Vaughn and Dixon come in. Dixon says he hasn’t seen him do that since a bar in Baghdad. They interrogate the s**t out of Rhames. Rhames said he couldn’t warn them about the bomb. Otherwise, he couldn’t stop the hydro-sick plan. Dix said that 15 ppl died. Rhames is like 15 shmifteen! We’re talking about the deaths of hundreds of thousands of ppl. And this is an ongoing theme for the rest of the show. Boring. Rhames says they are at the bar waiting for this super hacker. Dixon asks if they’ve ever seen the hacker before so they could do a lil spy switcheroo? Rhames says fine. Do it. Sloane approves Dixon going undercover. Hottya finds out the current where abouts of the hacker. He’s in a hotel close by. Vaughn goes after him. OH MAN I love this. So Vaughn knows what he looks like. And gets to the floor he’s staying in. Pulls out a syringe to take him out I guess. <umm, I would’ve stuck with the tranq guns from last episode, Vaughn but whatever. Makes for a funnier scene> So hacker is in the hallway now. He’s coming towards Vaughn. Vaughn has the element of surprise on his side so this should be easy, right? Haha…VAUGHN! I mean WRONG!! Vaughn grabs him, comp geek counters and punches Vaughn! Vaughn goes down! Haha….you are the WORST FIELD AGENT EVER!! Hahah..….Vaughn, you let a computer nerd beat you up??? You should start easy. Practice fighting librarians or something. Then fight handicap kids. THEN you try and take on computer geeks! Haha…loser! Comp geek totally burns Vaughn by outrunning him down a fire escape and then jumping onto some trash. Vaughn can’t even keep up. With a comp geek!!! So, he decides that he must be Spiderman or something and jumps off the fire escape from like 5 stories up and lands in the trash. Perhaps he thinks he’s developing mutant skills like CJ. Dork, you didn’t expose yourself to radiation to save the woman you love so you don’t get mutant skills! Only cool SpyDaddies get them! Vaughn’s up and he’s chasing him, chasing him! Looks like Vaughn is totally gonna screw this easy a$$ mission up. Dixon pops up out of nowhere! Well, he was prob just standing there the whole time but it’s dark and he’s freakin Mr. Invisible in those situations. WHAM! Takes out comp geek in one shot without even breaking a sweat. Vaughn is panting panting. Says the best line on the show. “I had him.” Dix is like “I know.” LOL! That’s awesome!! Even the writers of the show are making fun of Vaughn!! Have they been reading these recaps or something?? That was definitely directed to Alias fans. I loved that entire scene. And what did this whole scenario teach us, children? Never send Vaughn to do a man’s job or a woman’s job or a dog’s job. Just don’t send Vaughn.
Xmansion. Syd and Hottya are talking about Hottya’s super-cool terrornanny. Hottya says that Syd wouldn’t have recognized her when she was younger because she was wild like a frat girl or something. Sophia’s the one that took care of her. She called Hottya her special one. Can I just say, eww? Sophia gave me the creeps before I knew she was evil.
Hospital Room with evil-psycho terrornannies and evil-psycho fathers. Sloane’s confronting Sophia. Sloane: “Why are you here? You killed that Jose guy from episode 12 who was trying to molest the girls in your orphanage so you must be evil.” Sophia: “I killed him to protect my girls.” Yeah, I think Jose deserved what he got. Sophia says that she wants to protect Nadia. When she came to the orphanage as a baby, Sophia changed Nadia’s last name to Santos in order to protect her. <So is Nadia’s real last name Derevko? That’s so cool. Or was it Sloane? That’s not so cool.> The men who attacked her wanted to know what Nadia’s last name was so they could find her, but Sophia says that she doesn’t know who these men are who are after Nadia. You lying terrornanny!! Sloane: “I promise to take care of Nadia until it serves my purpose to betray her. And don’t worry, I know who’s after Nadia.” Do you think Sloane knows that Sophie the terrornanny is really Elena the terror aunt?
Xmansion. Marshall’s showing Syd something related to the mission that I ddin’t really understand because I was trying to recap at the same time. It’s not really important though. What’s important is that Syd sees Sophia’s file on Marshall’s desk because Marshall’s a goober and didn’t hide it. She runs to Sloane to confront him. Syd: “Why are you gathering info on Hottya’s wonderful pacifistnanny?” Sloane: “I’m being cautious and I’m jealous of their relationship.” Syd: “For some reason, Hottya trusts you. She’s really ignorant that way. Every time you lie to her, you break that trust. I’m only saying this out of concern for Hottya.”
So they secure comp geek in the APO-mobile. Dixon poses as him and enters the club. This is probably one of the best aliases Dixon has ever had. Other than the Jamaican one from earlier this season. He’s like Cool as Ice Dixon. Like Samuel L Jackson from Pulp Fiction. So Samuel L. Dixon goes up to the VIT section and introduces himself as the hacker. They don’t entirely believe him so they drill him on the Kronos job. Asks why Kronos hates him so much. Dixon stalls. Vaughn bullies the comp geek into giving him the info. Ooh, Vaughn! You can take him now that he’s all tied up, can’t you?? He rips off an earring. Ouch. Comp geek spills it. Samuel L. Dixon tells them that Kronos stiffed him 10G’s so he hacked into his credit card and bought a s**t load of prostitutes and sent the bill to his wife. They swallow it. Welcome to the team, Samuel L. Dixon. Oh, u know what? I forgot to mention, there’s a creepy guy in the bar with glasses. He’s actually the quiet lawyer from Legally blonde that helped Reese Witherspoon in law school and she helped him be cool and get some action.
Xmansion. CJ’s still picking at his hand and now it’s starting to bleed. Eww, CJ! Can’t you do that in the bathroom or something? Syd pops in again because CJ wanted to see her. CJ says that there’s probably some tap at the embassy that Dixon’s terrorfriends used to get info on hypo-sick so they should probably try and see if they can access it and get the same info. Syd nods but is looking a bit concerned about her father. Although he’s physically present, he looks like he’s in a galaxy far, far away. Syd decides to leave so CJ can dig into his hand some more. Probably the most disturbing scenes on the whole show. CJ stabs his hand with a freakin letter opener and surgically removes this tube from the hole he just created!! He pulls some tube out of his hand. What is it? CJ looks a little mad. Is Dr. OO setting him up? What’s going on? Maybe it’s a tracking device that was implanted the last time he was abducted by aliens.
Office of Overly Opinionated Doctors. Dr. OO says that he put that tube in his hand to regulate his medication and there’s one in his leg too. <liar! Where’s the freakin bandaid over his palm then, Dr. OO??> CJ says he doesn’t remember this and Dr. OO says that memory loss is a possible side effect. Hold the phone! We can’t have a CIA guy with memory loss issues! Does that not strike the good doctor as a potentially dangerous thing? What if CJ forgets about Vaughn’s incompetence and sends him on a super important mission by himself? That could be disastrous! Dr. OO’s big nose is butting into CJ’s business again as he encourages CJ to tell Syd the truth. CJ doesn’t want to burden her though. Aww. How selfless of you, CJ! You know if it were Vaughn, he’d have been running to Syd for sympathy….hugs three weeks ago.
Van of Undercover Agents. Rhames wants to know if Dixon disagrees with his decision to let those 15 people die. They were casualties of the job. He says he was boxed in and that, in the past, Dixon would have agreed with him. Dixon: “My perspective’s changed because I got married and had kids. ” Rhames: “So what’s your wife like? Is she a hottie or what?” Dixon: “My wife was killed by my crazy wife-killing boss because I killed his wife “accidentally”. She was a casualty of the job.” Nice dig, Dixon.
Xmansion Briefing Room. Syd and Nadia found the tap and got info that the hypo-sick in some manufacturing plant in Peru and that the main terror guy’s guys stole it. So it looks like we’re relying on Dixon to get it back. At least it’s not Vaughn! Crazy Jack stays behind to talk to Sloane. They give each other the WK nod. “CJ, are you ok? You dying anytime soon? I need your daughter for some Rambaldi prophecy stuff.” CJ says he’s fine but due to some “personal issues”, he feels it’s time to tell Hottya and Syd about their secret. Ooooh, the pact is finally being revealed!
Teugue Airfield. The terror guys and CIA guys arrive. The terrorist who blew up the embassy gets a call from the Legally Blonde lawyer and he says that there’s a CIA agent named Dixon who’s infiltrated the group. Main terror guy hears about it and pulls his gun on Rhames and Samuel L. Dixon. He wants to know which one is Dixon. Both start talking BS because they both realize that they are potentially screwed because they’re both CIA agents. Vaughn, of course, is totally useless in this situation because he’s scared and because the need the terror guys to take them to where the hypo-sick is. Finally, main terror guy says to kill them both and fighting ensues. Rhames gets shot. Dixon picks up a gun and holds it to Rhames. He says: “What do you have to say, Dixon?” While still maintaining his innocence, Rhames says he’s a casualty of the job which means he’s telling Dixon to shoot him. Vaughn is totally on board with this idea. He loves to shoot coworkers, right Dixon? So, Dixon shoots Rhames and they all get on the plane. Vaughn rushes over and calls for a medivac because Rhames isn’t dead yet.
Xmansion. Dixon sent a signal from the plane and Marshall’s going to track it to see where the plane’s going. CJ and Sloane want to talk to Syd and Hottya privately. CJ: “We have something to tell you.” This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The secret pact is revealed! CJ: “We’re after Elena Derevko.” Turns out Elena used to be some assassin and she’s been called the Cruelest Derevko of all. <Okay, stop and ponder that for a moment. She must make Irina and Katya look like fluffy bunnies or something.> Sloane: “Apparently, Elena and Irina had a falling out.” CJ: “Hey, maybe they were fighting over me? All the Derevko women want a piece of me.” Sloane: “Yeah, that’s why your wife was sleeping with me.” With her lightening fast reflexes, Syd stops CJ from shooting Sloane and reminds them to get back to the point. Which is this; Elena’s evil and she’s been spying on Syd and Nadia for their entire lives. Now that’s just creepy! Suddenly, we’re closing in on Nadia’s necklace, which turns out to be a listening device. We hear the Legally Blonde Lawyer talking to someone and it’s Sophia the terrornanny! Or should we say Elena the terror aunt! And she’s looking mighty pleased with herself.
Next week on Alias: Things get a touch freaky as we take a wild ride through the mind of CJ. Please remain seated throughout this mind-trip and keep your hands, arms, and legs in the vehicle at all times.
So, the show starts off in Indonesia. Some terrorists group has this bomb thinger. Their target is an embassy in Indonesia. So the terrorist poses as a terror-immigrant looking for the visa office and has this terrorbag. He goes through security. Puts it through the X-ray. The security guy, which apparently got bought out by the terror group, sees the bomb and chooses to ignore it. Conveniently, he steps out for a cigarette break right after he sees the terrorbag go through. Damn. This guys totally sold out his coworkers BIG time. He would be perfect at APO. Stella! Recruit him! So terror-immigrant brings his terror-bag to the Visa office. Flirts with some girl for a lil <why?> Then leaves the terrorbag there. Next shot is of the entire building blowing up. Damn. I have a vacation planned in Bali this June. Remind me not to lose my passport cuz I do NOT want to have to go to the embassy there. I’ll just stay in Bali. F*ck it. They have McDonalds there, right?
APO briefing room. Sloane is giving everyone the lowdown on the bombing. Apparently there’s a new group out there that needed information from the embassy. So, the only way to get the info was to bomb the embassy. Embassy protocol when there’s a terrorbag bombing is to send all server information to some offshore servers. But in doing this, the terror group somehow was able to grab that info and find out where a sample of this week’s weapon is. <not this again> SO, this week’s weapon is called hydro-sick. I think. Well it should be called that because a small sample of that can turn normal water into waste sludge destroying an entire eco-system. Hmm, I guess the writers on the show are my age because they are totally stealing ideas from Captain Planet and the Planeteers. CIA has no intel on this group. But they DO have an undercover agent. This guy, Rhames. BUT Rhames has missed 3 meetings with his handler so they have no idea if he’s turned or what. <If his handler’s anything like Vaughn, I’d miss those meetings too. He’s better off on his own.> So, Sloane tasks Vaughn and Dixon to the field while Syd monitors from back at APO. Syd is monitoring?? And Vaughn is on a mission? Sloane, I think you still have Rambaldi on the brain again from last episode. It’s starting to affect your judgment. Sloane dismisses the team.
Phone call. It’s a collect call from the “spy orphanage hotline for nannies that have been beat down but are really secretly terror aunts”. It’s Sophia. She tells Hottya that she is on her way to LA and to pick her up from the airport. Hottya agrees. Syd talks to Hottya about it. Hottya confesses that she’s nervous of seeing Sophia because she was so different back then. A bad girl. She stole. Trained to be a spy. Slept with her bosses. In their offices. And now she is worried that Sophia might disapprove because she has a fat boyfriend. Let’s just get this whole first chunk of the storyline out of the way, shall we? Soooo, her and Syd are waiting at the airport. Hottya is worried that she won’t even recognize her. Whatever Hottya she’s been keeping a file on the both of you for your entire lives!! Whoops. Whatever. I know you guys only read this recap AFTER you’ve seen the full episode. If not, Whoops. So, someone wheels over Sophia. But LA-style Sophia because she’s got these shades on. Hottya smiles and says “oh Sophia, you don’t have to be stylin and profiling just because you’re in LA!” Sophia removes her shades and DUDE. She’s got BOTH her eyes messed up. Hottya and Syd are like , “EW! Put the shades back on! Please!” Sophia tells them she got jumped. Some bad men were looking for stuff.
They bring her to a hospital. Sloane shows up too. He says since she is family to Sophia, she is family to him as well. So he assures her she’s going to be in good care ……..and that he totally slept with her sister. Heh…jk. So yea, he shakes her hand. Leaves with Syd to head back to APO. Offers her a ride in that creepy perverted way he always does things when he interacts with Syd. Syd says no and then leaves. When she does, Sloane rips off a fingerprint stealer….thinger…..off his hand puts it in some ….fingerprint stealer….tupperwear….thinger. Sorry, my spy gadget coming up with cool names… thinger… isn’t working today. Back at APO, he gives it to Marshall to covertly analyze.
Dr’s office of Secret Spy Blood transfusions. CJ is strapped to a bunch of blood vials and guess he’s having his blood filtered…..with brita…or something. Dr. OverlyOpinionated is telling Jack that he had to up the dosage on some drug he’s on so he’ll be suffering some stronger side effects. Crazy Jack is like whatever. Radiation schmadiation. Just tell me when my third eye starts growing in the back of my head. I really want to learn to practice shooting backwards. Dr. OO says that they both know the outcome of this situation and it definitely does not involve shooting webs or crawling up walls. He tells CJ that he needs to come clean. CJ says that would take another lifetime. Damn right, CJ. I don’t even want to think about how many ppl he’s taken out in his lifetime. Dr. OO says to start off small. Talk to Sydney. Hey doc, why don’t you mind your own business before I start to think you’re evil or something? Uh oh. Did I just say that? Heehee.
Mission Van. Vaughn and Dixon are staking out some club. Waiting for the terror group to arrive. Dixon fesses up that he knows Rhames. They served together and he has a lot of respect for him. Vaughn doesn’t even look at him and is like “whatever. He’s turned. “ Dix is like, “what did you say white boy?” Vaughn is like, “don’t make me shoot you like I did that last episode.“ Dix grits his teeth but shuts up. OK that totally didn’t happen but how funny would that have been if it DID. So the terror group finally shows up. Looks like Rhames IS alive so they need to know what’s up.
In the hospital of lying-evil-psycho terrornannies. Sophia and Hottya are talking. Sophia: “You used to be so angry when you were little.” I wonder why? She grew up in an orphanage, feeling abandoned by the world. I’d be a little upset by that. Hottya: “But now I’m happy because I have a family and feel like I belong. And I have this boy toy who I’ve got wrapped around my little finger. It’s totally cool.” Sophia decides to give Hottya this medallion thing she’s wearing. It’s got a picture of a saint on it. Hottya puts it on. I just know that’s a bad idea.
CJ's office. His hand is mega dry and he must've had one mean suntan over the weekend JUST on his palm because it's peeling like crazy. And he's peeling the s**t out of it. Syd comes in. Says, "ew. Dad you need some lotion for that or something, freak? I can stop by target if you want over lunch." CJ makes up some stupid mission stuff about Dixon and Vaughn needing to follow Rhames and dismisses Syd.
Yet another club for baddies to meet in. We’ve seen some weird clubs on Alias but I can’t figure out what kinda club this one is. And why do baddies always meet in clubs? If they met somewhere else, maybe they wouldn’t get spied on. No one would think to look for them at a bakery or a library or a Laundromat. The reason baddies get caught is that they do stupid stuff like meet in clubs. Of course, maybe these baddies won’t get caught because Vaughn’s been sent to watch them. <why?> They are ordering some terrordrinks in the VIT section of the club. <that’s very important terrorist if you didn’t know> Guess Vaughn can’t get into the VIT section but they need to talk to Rhames. He surreptitiously sneaks a pill into his whiskey by bumping into the waitress carrying their drinks to them. Rhames takes his shot and then feels all weird so he runs to the bathroom to yak. Hmmm, that’s odd. I have a lot of friends that just do that anyway without that pill. Wait. I do that. Maybe spies are trying to isolate me! Every weekend! So Rhames is yakking in the bathroom. Vaughn and Dixon come in. Dixon says he hasn’t seen him do that since a bar in Baghdad. They interrogate the s**t out of Rhames. Rhames said he couldn’t warn them about the bomb. Otherwise, he couldn’t stop the hydro-sick plan. Dix said that 15 ppl died. Rhames is like 15 shmifteen! We’re talking about the deaths of hundreds of thousands of ppl. And this is an ongoing theme for the rest of the show. Boring. Rhames says they are at the bar waiting for this super hacker. Dixon asks if they’ve ever seen the hacker before so they could do a lil spy switcheroo? Rhames says fine. Do it. Sloane approves Dixon going undercover. Hottya finds out the current where abouts of the hacker. He’s in a hotel close by. Vaughn goes after him. OH MAN I love this. So Vaughn knows what he looks like. And gets to the floor he’s staying in. Pulls out a syringe to take him out I guess. <umm, I would’ve stuck with the tranq guns from last episode, Vaughn but whatever. Makes for a funnier scene> So hacker is in the hallway now. He’s coming towards Vaughn. Vaughn has the element of surprise on his side so this should be easy, right? Haha…VAUGHN! I mean WRONG!! Vaughn grabs him, comp geek counters and punches Vaughn! Vaughn goes down! Haha….you are the WORST FIELD AGENT EVER!! Hahah..….Vaughn, you let a computer nerd beat you up??? You should start easy. Practice fighting librarians or something. Then fight handicap kids. THEN you try and take on computer geeks! Haha…loser! Comp geek totally burns Vaughn by outrunning him down a fire escape and then jumping onto some trash. Vaughn can’t even keep up. With a comp geek!!! So, he decides that he must be Spiderman or something and jumps off the fire escape from like 5 stories up and lands in the trash. Perhaps he thinks he’s developing mutant skills like CJ. Dork, you didn’t expose yourself to radiation to save the woman you love so you don’t get mutant skills! Only cool SpyDaddies get them! Vaughn’s up and he’s chasing him, chasing him! Looks like Vaughn is totally gonna screw this easy a$$ mission up. Dixon pops up out of nowhere! Well, he was prob just standing there the whole time but it’s dark and he’s freakin Mr. Invisible in those situations. WHAM! Takes out comp geek in one shot without even breaking a sweat. Vaughn is panting panting. Says the best line on the show. “I had him.” Dix is like “I know.” LOL! That’s awesome!! Even the writers of the show are making fun of Vaughn!! Have they been reading these recaps or something?? That was definitely directed to Alias fans. I loved that entire scene. And what did this whole scenario teach us, children? Never send Vaughn to do a man’s job or a woman’s job or a dog’s job. Just don’t send Vaughn.
Xmansion. Syd and Hottya are talking about Hottya’s super-cool terrornanny. Hottya says that Syd wouldn’t have recognized her when she was younger because she was wild like a frat girl or something. Sophia’s the one that took care of her. She called Hottya her special one. Can I just say, eww? Sophia gave me the creeps before I knew she was evil.
Hospital Room with evil-psycho terrornannies and evil-psycho fathers. Sloane’s confronting Sophia. Sloane: “Why are you here? You killed that Jose guy from episode 12 who was trying to molest the girls in your orphanage so you must be evil.” Sophia: “I killed him to protect my girls.” Yeah, I think Jose deserved what he got. Sophia says that she wants to protect Nadia. When she came to the orphanage as a baby, Sophia changed Nadia’s last name to Santos in order to protect her. <So is Nadia’s real last name Derevko? That’s so cool. Or was it Sloane? That’s not so cool.> The men who attacked her wanted to know what Nadia’s last name was so they could find her, but Sophia says that she doesn’t know who these men are who are after Nadia. You lying terrornanny!! Sloane: “I promise to take care of Nadia until it serves my purpose to betray her. And don’t worry, I know who’s after Nadia.” Do you think Sloane knows that Sophie the terrornanny is really Elena the terror aunt?
Xmansion. Marshall’s showing Syd something related to the mission that I ddin’t really understand because I was trying to recap at the same time. It’s not really important though. What’s important is that Syd sees Sophia’s file on Marshall’s desk because Marshall’s a goober and didn’t hide it. She runs to Sloane to confront him. Syd: “Why are you gathering info on Hottya’s wonderful pacifistnanny?” Sloane: “I’m being cautious and I’m jealous of their relationship.” Syd: “For some reason, Hottya trusts you. She’s really ignorant that way. Every time you lie to her, you break that trust. I’m only saying this out of concern for Hottya.”
So they secure comp geek in the APO-mobile. Dixon poses as him and enters the club. This is probably one of the best aliases Dixon has ever had. Other than the Jamaican one from earlier this season. He’s like Cool as Ice Dixon. Like Samuel L Jackson from Pulp Fiction. So Samuel L. Dixon goes up to the VIT section and introduces himself as the hacker. They don’t entirely believe him so they drill him on the Kronos job. Asks why Kronos hates him so much. Dixon stalls. Vaughn bullies the comp geek into giving him the info. Ooh, Vaughn! You can take him now that he’s all tied up, can’t you?? He rips off an earring. Ouch. Comp geek spills it. Samuel L. Dixon tells them that Kronos stiffed him 10G’s so he hacked into his credit card and bought a s**t load of prostitutes and sent the bill to his wife. They swallow it. Welcome to the team, Samuel L. Dixon. Oh, u know what? I forgot to mention, there’s a creepy guy in the bar with glasses. He’s actually the quiet lawyer from Legally blonde that helped Reese Witherspoon in law school and she helped him be cool and get some action.
Xmansion. CJ’s still picking at his hand and now it’s starting to bleed. Eww, CJ! Can’t you do that in the bathroom or something? Syd pops in again because CJ wanted to see her. CJ says that there’s probably some tap at the embassy that Dixon’s terrorfriends used to get info on hypo-sick so they should probably try and see if they can access it and get the same info. Syd nods but is looking a bit concerned about her father. Although he’s physically present, he looks like he’s in a galaxy far, far away. Syd decides to leave so CJ can dig into his hand some more. Probably the most disturbing scenes on the whole show. CJ stabs his hand with a freakin letter opener and surgically removes this tube from the hole he just created!! He pulls some tube out of his hand. What is it? CJ looks a little mad. Is Dr. OO setting him up? What’s going on? Maybe it’s a tracking device that was implanted the last time he was abducted by aliens.
Office of Overly Opinionated Doctors. Dr. OO says that he put that tube in his hand to regulate his medication and there’s one in his leg too. <liar! Where’s the freakin bandaid over his palm then, Dr. OO??> CJ says he doesn’t remember this and Dr. OO says that memory loss is a possible side effect. Hold the phone! We can’t have a CIA guy with memory loss issues! Does that not strike the good doctor as a potentially dangerous thing? What if CJ forgets about Vaughn’s incompetence and sends him on a super important mission by himself? That could be disastrous! Dr. OO’s big nose is butting into CJ’s business again as he encourages CJ to tell Syd the truth. CJ doesn’t want to burden her though. Aww. How selfless of you, CJ! You know if it were Vaughn, he’d have been running to Syd for sympathy….hugs three weeks ago.
Van of Undercover Agents. Rhames wants to know if Dixon disagrees with his decision to let those 15 people die. They were casualties of the job. He says he was boxed in and that, in the past, Dixon would have agreed with him. Dixon: “My perspective’s changed because I got married and had kids. ” Rhames: “So what’s your wife like? Is she a hottie or what?” Dixon: “My wife was killed by my crazy wife-killing boss because I killed his wife “accidentally”. She was a casualty of the job.” Nice dig, Dixon.
Xmansion Briefing Room. Syd and Nadia found the tap and got info that the hypo-sick in some manufacturing plant in Peru and that the main terror guy’s guys stole it. So it looks like we’re relying on Dixon to get it back. At least it’s not Vaughn! Crazy Jack stays behind to talk to Sloane. They give each other the WK nod. “CJ, are you ok? You dying anytime soon? I need your daughter for some Rambaldi prophecy stuff.” CJ says he’s fine but due to some “personal issues”, he feels it’s time to tell Hottya and Syd about their secret. Ooooh, the pact is finally being revealed!
Teugue Airfield. The terror guys and CIA guys arrive. The terrorist who blew up the embassy gets a call from the Legally Blonde lawyer and he says that there’s a CIA agent named Dixon who’s infiltrated the group. Main terror guy hears about it and pulls his gun on Rhames and Samuel L. Dixon. He wants to know which one is Dixon. Both start talking BS because they both realize that they are potentially screwed because they’re both CIA agents. Vaughn, of course, is totally useless in this situation because he’s scared and because the need the terror guys to take them to where the hypo-sick is. Finally, main terror guy says to kill them both and fighting ensues. Rhames gets shot. Dixon picks up a gun and holds it to Rhames. He says: “What do you have to say, Dixon?” While still maintaining his innocence, Rhames says he’s a casualty of the job which means he’s telling Dixon to shoot him. Vaughn is totally on board with this idea. He loves to shoot coworkers, right Dixon? So, Dixon shoots Rhames and they all get on the plane. Vaughn rushes over and calls for a medivac because Rhames isn’t dead yet.
Xmansion. Dixon sent a signal from the plane and Marshall’s going to track it to see where the plane’s going. CJ and Sloane want to talk to Syd and Hottya privately. CJ: “We have something to tell you.” This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The secret pact is revealed! CJ: “We’re after Elena Derevko.” Turns out Elena used to be some assassin and she’s been called the Cruelest Derevko of all. <Okay, stop and ponder that for a moment. She must make Irina and Katya look like fluffy bunnies or something.> Sloane: “Apparently, Elena and Irina had a falling out.” CJ: “Hey, maybe they were fighting over me? All the Derevko women want a piece of me.” Sloane: “Yeah, that’s why your wife was sleeping with me.” With her lightening fast reflexes, Syd stops CJ from shooting Sloane and reminds them to get back to the point. Which is this; Elena’s evil and she’s been spying on Syd and Nadia for their entire lives. Now that’s just creepy! Suddenly, we’re closing in on Nadia’s necklace, which turns out to be a listening device. We hear the Legally Blonde Lawyer talking to someone and it’s Sophia the terrornanny! Or should we say Elena the terror aunt! And she’s looking mighty pleased with herself.
Next week on Alias: Things get a touch freaky as we take a wild ride through the mind of CJ. Please remain seated throughout this mind-trip and keep your hands, arms, and legs in the vehicle at all times.
