More funny lists!

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Chanel

Cadet
Viruses to be looking for:

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re- attachs it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.


ehhehe more to be added
 
Top 15 slogans rejected by Motel 6
15. Because you deserve better than the back-seat of some car.
14. As seen on "COPS"
13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the "9", but you know it's there.
10. You rented the room, now buy the video.
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for the hooker.
8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on your salary, pal!
6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery BETTER!
5. It's Hookerriffic!
4. Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and easy-just like your mother.
1. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel."

30 Ways to Cope With Stress.
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
Polish your car with earwax.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription you get and have them bill you later.
Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help.
Do your assignments in binary code.

Have you ever wondered why....
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a pice of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What should you do if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes- why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
If fire fighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
 
Chanel said:
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
hahaha, not sure why this one jumped out at me as hilarious and worthy of a nice laugh-out-loud moment, but it sure did...Thanks for a good laugh :D
 
iheartalias said:
Chanel said:
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
hahaha, not sure why this one jumped out at me as hilarious and worthy of a nice laugh-out-loud moment, but it sure did...Thanks for a good laugh :D
i know that one really got me too :lol:
 
Top 10 Signs That Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker

Rating: 3.73
Joke Style: Lists
This joke can be found in: : Computer Jokes | Top Ten Lists
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10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, uh-pleeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk.
 
LOL! those are hilarious!! i remember the ways to alias-ize your summer list in the alias fun forum! that was kinda like these, i remember i printed it out, and did like half the things on the list LOL! (i went to an antique bookshop to their felgercarb room and baught like 20 books for 10 cents each, and ripped page 47 out of all of them and made my own book of page 47s!! LOL!
 
:lol: this is cool! these were my fave:

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help.

:lol:
 
keeping with the theme, i found this list...

Top 10 things to do or say to annoying co-workers:

10. Tell them to alphebetize their m&m's
9. Tell them there is a Moron's Anonymous meeting at 5 in the middle lane of 101
8. Leave a wet lollipop on their chair
7. Follow them home, freak them out a little
6. Keep telling them what a hard worker you are
5. Ask to borrow a report and tear out a couple pages
4. Remind them that their freckles could be cancerous
3. Comment on their weight gain
2. Send anonymous letters
1. Don't Flush
 
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