N need of help with my logline.

Lucious

Cadet
Joined
Mar 8, 2011
Location
New York, NY
Troll Alert

Hello everyone. I'm new to the forum, and would like feedback on my logline. Please be gentle (jk):confused:

Extraordinary boy angel, thought to be the last of his kind, struggles to train at an elite academy when he discovers his destiny in a forbidden city.

A log line is a brief, one sentence summary of a film, Tv show of a script.

Still working on a couple of taglines:

1.) What happens to the world if a star declares war?

The synopsis has spoilers, so I can't post at this time.:P

Thank You Skwirlinator, very, very helpful feedback!

How about this:

A boy angel trains at an elite trains at an elite academy to stop the creation of a revolutionary master race.??

...of course in the synopsis, it details why angels are separated by gender; why angels are, as most considered stars in the vast universe are revealed.

Sorry for the typo

A boy angel trains at an elite academy to stop the creation of a revolutionary master race.

... Like the adolescent one! Thx Tim. I'm going to work on this more.:)

Ok, here's my revised logline:

Extraordinary teen angel sets out on a quest to a forbidden city to stop the creation of a revolutionary master race.

Thx Tim. Greatly appreciated!

@Wolfrunner: Yes that's the stars I'm referring to - imagine, there are roughly 400 million stars in our massive galaxy; the privileged stars govern solar systems with life supporting planets. One goes rogue and destroys its systems, no biggie – the circle of life scenario. But when one plots to destroy and conquer the universe...

I'm also working with this one too,

A son of fire shall never bow before sons of clay.


@Tim,

That sounds enticing. A blog to totally geek out on! :)

Also, I've tweeked my logline a bit more. Please let me know your feeback.

In a society where angels are considered criminal, a teen angel sets out on a quest to a forbidden city to stop the creation of a revolutionary master race.
 

Tom

An Old Friend
Joined
Dec 6, 2004
Location
Gulf Coast
I always thought it was a tagline. But anyway, Do you have a synopsis? Cant do a tagline if I dont know what the film is about?
 

Tom

An Old Friend
Joined
Dec 6, 2004
Location
Gulf Coast
Extraordinary boy angel, thought to be the last of his kind, struggles to train at an elite academy when he discovers his destiny in a forbidden city.

Extraordinary boy angel,
Ok, Angels are no sexed so there is no such thing as a boy (or girl) angel
Child angels are called Cherubs

thought to be the last of his kind
Gives away the fact that he isnt
Last of their kind is also Omega

struggles to train at an elite academy
Everyone struggles at academies
All academies are thought to be elite otherwise they are called school

discovers his destiny in a forbidden city
You have given away major plot developments
Everyone discovers their destiny by experience
Forbidden city is cliche

Extraordinary boy angel, thought to be the last of his kind, struggles to train at an elite academy when he discovers his destiny in a forbidden city.

Taglines are direct to the scope of the film.
They are usually not proper sentences and have plot keywords in them.

example - Terminator (1984)
"Your future is in his hands"
"No pain. No fear. Something unstoppable."

for yours...

" An adventure to destiny thru angel eyes"
 

Tim

Creative Writer
Joined
Jan 16, 2005
Location
China
The "boy" doesn't sit well with me. I keep trying to think of alternatives such as, "An adolescent angel" or "Young angel in training at an elite academy seeking to prevent the creation of a revolutionary master race."
 

Tim

Creative Writer
Joined
Jan 16, 2005
Location
China
Hmm, I wouldn't describe someone as extraordinary. Their feats as extraordinary though. ie. "Teen carries out extraordinary feat"
 

Wolfrunner

Scout
Joined
Mar 12, 2010
Location
Mars
Still working on a couple of taglines:

1.) What happens to the world if a star declares war?

The synopsis has spoilers, so I can't post at this time.:P

When you say star I assume you are talking about the celestial kind and not the acting or song star. If so then look at the tv series Andromeda, there is a character that is a star (a superior being) that causes some havoc in the Universe.
 

Wolfrunner

Scout
Joined
Mar 12, 2010
Location
Mars
Rethink your rogue star idea as I said before its been done before. Look at the series Andromeda, the character Gemini is a rogue star in the body of a humanoid but with the ability to destroy ships, planets, etc.
 
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