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Discussion in 'Creative Writing & Arts' started by mystery_chick, Jun 7, 2003.

  1. okay well this was an assigment for my English writing portfolio. and it think it's the best piece i've written for it. so i thought why not post it up and get your guys opinions :D so i need constructive criticizm. negative, positive, neutral :LOL: are all welcome. so just read. it's one parter and it's short :D

    Night Mare

    When I placed my head upon my pillow I did not sleep, nor could I be said to think. My imagination unbidden, possessed and guided me, gifting the successive images that arose in my mind with a vividness for beyond the bounds of reverie. I saw — with shut eyes, but acute mental vision, my best friends lying in the light frosted grass. The rare clear winter sky is dimly lit by the mid-winter full moon. I felt a whisk of skin cutting wind brushing by my cheek. Suddenly someone else ran towards the two bodies, my peripheral vision adjusted to the darkness and I noticed it was none other than myself. I tried to get closer to get a better view, but I noticed that I couldn’t move, well, more precisely, I couldn’t walk.
    Slowly my vision changed again. I was closer now. I saw myself weeping over the two dead bodies. They were in normal clothes, no wounds, nothing was abnormal about them. That is except the two deep puncture wounds on the side of their neck. I was terror stricken. I felt the urge to tremble and cry in fear, but no motion came, no tears overflow, no voice. I suddenly realized that it was a dream. Yet this was like no other dreams that I’ve had. It was life like, it felt real, it seemed real, the only thing that gave me the clue that it wasn’t’ real was the lack of sound. I couldn’t hear anything, nor could I speak.
    My vision soon changed again. It was a different place, different time. I looked around my new surrounds. It was dim, lit by a few flaming torches. Towards my left there was a window where the bright sunlight was shooting through, nearly blinding me. I blinked, trying to adjust to the light of the outside, This time the breeze was warm. I can feel the sun shining down on me. My eyes finally adjusted to the brightness. Sunlight shone upon the vast field of wilted grass, further away I noticed a forest, a shadow seemed to hang above it, which gave me the chills I looked around, somehow the scene was familiar to me. Then it hit me. It was the old abandoned castle near my family’s summer cottage.
    Bounding into my vision were my friends and I. We were running and it looked like we were playing a game of ‘Tag’ Soon ‘we’ ran into the forest and disappeared from my view. I wanted to after ‘us’ but again. I found myself implanted in one place. I want to go to the forest. I thought, and my vision changed once more. I discovered the wonderful gift of being able to move on my thoughts. My mind glee in delight, yet as soon as I noticed my surroundings my thoughts darkened. It was like the trees around me were telling me to leave. To get out of there as fast as I could, but my curiosity for the answer was stronger.
    The day grew old as my search for my friends went on. Soon the sun sank below the horizon and I found myself on the opposite edge of the forest. I reached there just in time to see my best friends drooping to the ground, limbs lifeless, eyes opened and full of fear. Two vampires just finished their evening supper. I screamed at the sight in front of me. What surprised me was that this time, I made sound. The shriek echoed off into the forest scarring a flock of birds out of their nest. The two vampires looked up, and I felt their death-like glares on me. They could see me! I realized as they slowly crept towards me. The closer they got the weaker my knees were making me almost fall to the ground. Despite of getting my voice back my lack of ability to move made the situation worse. I want out! I want out! I screamed in my mind but I didn’t move, neither did my vision change.
    An icy cold hand was placed on my neck and I felt the freezing present of their fangs. Within a second they dug in, devouring their dessert.
    I jolt up from my bed with cold sweat all over my body. My hair tangled and my hands were gripping tightly on my teddy bear making my knuckles white. I heaved a sigh, my body relaxed in realization that it was just a dream, and that my friends were safe at home, sleeping.

    :unsure: what do you guys think?
    --Mandy :angelic:
  2. Betha Bristow

    Betha Bristow Rocket Ranger

    Mar 18, 2003
    United States
    Wow, impressive! I kindof got lost in the first paragraph, but that didn't last long. That was really good cause a lot of ppl can't write things that happen in the present. the ending kind of gave me the creeps( :shamefullyembarrased: i know how pathetic i sound) -yes, I was first to post! :D
    ;) :tvhorror: (y)
  3. bluheart13

    bluheart13 Rocket Ranger

    Feb 26, 2003
    wow...........that was really really intense...............that was really good.
  4. Betha Bristow

    Betha Bristow Rocket Ranger

    Mar 18, 2003
    United States
    yes, very intense :eek: (y)
  5. aliasgirl89

    aliasgirl89 Rocket Ranger

    Feb 28, 2003
    Ontario, Canada
    Nice, we had to do portfolios too (evil portfolios)! I loved the first chapter.
  6. liliana

    liliana Rocket Ranger

    Jan 8, 2003
    South Africa
    good story Mandy

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