Thanks and extreme apologies for the lack of updates. I'm gonna just post a big chunk so you guys are caught up with what's posted at fanfiction.net and my website.
Chapter 46
Sydney sat deep in thought when a voice suddenly said hello. It was Meaghan. Sydney instantly felt a little better at seeing Meaghan standing there in front of her. She was someone who was on Sydney's side. She was a friend, the only friend Sydney had right now.
"Hi," Sydney said in return.
"Was that your father who was just here?" Meaghan asked.
"Yeah," Sydney said, looking down.
"Didn't go well?"
"Not really. I guess it could have been worse though."
Meaghan went and sat on the chair across from Sydney and looked at her sympathetically.
"I'm sorry," Meaghan said.
"Its okay. Its just that I hate people thinking I am crazy."
"I know. My family thinks I'm crazy too. I don't even talk to them now. They don't want to see me because of it. I don't think I want to see them either."
"It must be hard having your family abandon you like that. I could never do that to someone."
"Its because I tried to kill myself and because I cut myself. They got so disgusted with me that they just wanted to get rid of me. They had me put here. I don't know when I will ever get out. And if I do, I have no where to go."
"I'm sorry," Sydney said. "Everyone says things will be different for me if I got out of here now. I guess they would be, but that's only because people are letting things change. People don't trust me. If only they would see what I was doing, maybe they would understand. They would see me for who I am, the same person I have always been. But no one wants to see it like that. They all just think I am crazy now. Its stupid."
"Yeah, it is. I mean, there are a lot of people that need to be here. But I don't think you need to be here, even if you have been seeing ghosts."
"I never believed in ghosts until I killed him. Now he haunts me. I haven't seen him in awhile though. I guess that's a good sign. He's leaving me alone."
"Yeah, that is good. But still, I can tell you're unhappy being here."
"I just wish people would see that I am fine. I am the same Sydney I have always been. And I wish I could see my sister. I did do something bad to her and I regret it. I just got so caught up in what I thought I had to do. I just want to see her so I can apologize to her."
"She won't see you still?"
"No."
"Have you tried calling her?"
"I don't want to apologize over the phone. I owe it to her to say it in person."
"True, but if she wont see you, do you have any other choice? Maybe you can call her and convince her to come see you. Then you can apologize to her in person," Meaghan explained.
"Maybe you're right. I've never called anyone from here. I don't even know how. Do the nurses listen in on us?"
"They say its private. There's a little room down the hall with a patient phone in it. I guess there could be hidden cameras, but I've never heard of it."
"I'll have to watch what I say. I don't trust the staff here."
"Neither do I," Meaghan agreed.
"Okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna call her." Sydney was nervous just saying it. But she felt like she had to do it. She had to get Nadia here somehow and this was the only way she could think of now.
"Good luck," Meaghan told her as she walked out of the room and headed down the hall towards the phone.
Sydney's stomach fluttered as she got the room with the phone. It was the size of a phone booth. It had a door with a window. Sydney opened the door and turned on the light. She could see the walls filled with graffiti. People had written different phone numbers on the wall. There were some doodles and some gossip. In a few spots, she could see "I'm not crazy!" or "Get me out of here!" written in large letters. She could imagine patients coming in here trying to convince people to get them out of here. Most of them probably had no one who would help them though. They were frustrated just like her.
Sydney went into the phone booth and sat down, shutting the door behind her. Her whole body felt jittery. She took in a deep breath and picked up the receiver. Suddenly someone knocked on the door. It was another patient.
"I'm busy," Sydney told him.
"I'm waiting for a phone call," the patient insisted.
"I need to use the phone. Leave me alone," Sydney said annoyed. That particular patient, John, had annoyed her like that on several occasions. He was interruptive and selfish, always wanting everything for himself.
Sydney turned back to the phone and hesitantly dialled Nadia's cell number. Her heart was beating hard and loud. It was ringing. Each ring made her cringe with nervousness. Suddenly a voice answered. Tears flooded Sydney's eyes as she heard the sound of Nadia's voice for the first time in weeks.
"Hello?" Nadia asked.
Sydney didn't know what to say. She froze, breathing hard into the phone.
"Who's there?" Nadia asked, wondering if it was a prank call, or perhaps one of her contacts.
"Its me," Sydney said quietly.
Nadia froze. She immediately recognized the voice. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to think. She was in shock. Her heart suddenly started pounding in her chest, each beat making her more on edge.
"Nadia?" Sydney asked.
Nadia's eyes filled with tears. She thought about hanging up. She thought about screaming and crying. She didn't know what to do. She was frozen in the moment and she just stood there. Frozen. Cold. Numb.
"Please, talk to me," Sydney said, her own eyes filling with tears.
"I can't," Nadia whispered through her shock.
"Don't hang up!" Sydney insisted.
"Don't do this," Nadia said quietly into the phone.
"Nadia, please. I just want to see you. I need to see you." Sydney felt her heart ache in her chest. It hurt to know that Nadia didn't even want to talk to her. It hurt to know she had hurt Nadia that much. Tears streamed down Sydney's face. "Please." She choked on her tears.
"I can't," Nadia said, still in shock, still frozen. Her eyes just stared forward, blurred over. The whole world disappeared and all she could see was herself falling into the reservoir, seeing Sydney getting smaller and smaller as she descended into the water. She felt like her heart was being stabbed at that moment. She was so overwhelmed. She wanted to hang up right then and there but her arm wouldn't move. Her whole body wouldn't move.
"Nadia, I love you. Please, just give me a chance," Sydney cried.
"Please, don't do this to me," Nadia said as she began to sob. Suddenly, her whole body came awake and all she wanted to do was scream and cry. Every part of her ached.
"Nadia, I'm so sorry. You can't imagine how sorry I am. Please just come here so I can apologize for real, so I can explain things. Please just give me this chance," Sydney said, choking on her words. Her own body ached as well. She shook as emotions riled through her.
Nadia was about to say something, but she couldn't get it out. There was just too much going on inside of her mind to speak anymore. She dropped the phone and collapsed to the floor crying.
"No," she whimpered. "No."
"Nadia?" Eric said as he walked through the front door. He dropped his bag and ran to her, hugging her tightly. She cried into him, her whole body shaking. "What happened?" She didn't answer him. She just cried.
Sydney sat on the other end of the phone sobbing. She still had the receiver up to her ear and she could hear Nadia and Eric on the other end. She could hear his comforting words. She could hear her cries. Sydney's heart ripped apart at that moment. She couldn't believe how much she had hurt Nadia. She wanted to tear into herself, take the pen and jab it into her heart. She deserved it. At that moment, she hated herself so much. Everything was falling apart. Sydney sat there and just cried, not even bothering to wipe away the tears. It was all falling apart.
Chapter 47
Tears streamed down Sydney's face as she sat in the patient's phone booth. Her body felt as if it were about to collapse onto the floor. She was jelly as she sat with the shock of talking to her sister, of hearing her sob through the phone, of feeling her pain.
Sydney tried to breath but every breath was a struggle as her body shook and her hands trembled. Her heart was loud as if it were torturing her with the reminder that she was still alive and completely undeserving of such in the midst of all the pain she caused Nadia. She had broken her and every breath Sydney took in felt like it was only feeding the monster she had become. It was making her sick and on the verge of disaster. It was all falling apart, she thought.
Sydney was suddenly startled when she heard a knock on the door. She could see it was a concerned Meaghan. Sydney opened the door, wiping her tears away, and looked for any sign of nurses. There were none, so she quickly went across the hall into the bathroom. There, she began to wash her face, wash away the tears and the mess she was. Meaghan stood and watched her sympathetically. Finally, Sydney looked up at her. Her face said everything.
"I'm sorry," Meaghan said.
Sydney looked at her, trying not to cry. She had no words for this moment, only a feeling of devastation.
Realizing the tears weren't done falling, Sydney walked into the shower stall and pulled the curtain closed. She sat on the bench as tears began to fall again.
"I hurt her so badly," Sydney finally said.
"Can I come in?" Meaghan asked from behind the curtain.
Sydney hated to have someone see her cry. She felt so vulnerable, but moreover, she felt complete shame at this moment.
"I hate myself. I hate who I've become."
"Don't say that," Meaghan replied gently.
"I've done such horrible things. I did them in the name of justice. I did them to save the people I love. But I haven't. I've only ruined everything. I'm horrible."
"No, you're not."
"I am."
"No. Everyone's made mistakes. You're not a bad person for it, Sydney. I'm sure you've done a lot of good things too."
"It doesn't matter. I've hurt someone I love so dearly. I've hurt my sister in irreparable ways."
"She'll get better and she'll forgive you in time," Meaghan said.
"You don't know what I've done to her."
"What did you do?"
"I killed her father. I thought he was going to hurt her and everyone else."
"Was he dangerous?"
"Yes."
"Than you were only protecting her," Meaghan insisted.
"That's not all I did. I tried to kill my sister," Sydney cried.
"Why?" Meaghan asked.
"She wouldn't let me stop them. I had to save the world, but I went to far. I lost sight of everything for the mission and now I've done such damage. I don't think she'll ever be the same," Sydney explained remorsefully.
Meaghan opened the curtain and sat down next to Sydney, gently rubbing her back.
"The important thing is she survived. She'll get through this and so will you. In time, things will get better."
"It all seems so hopeless. I'm stuck here. Everything is falling apart. Its so hopeless," Sydney cried.
"Sydney, you'll be okay. I have faith in you. You can get through this."
Sydney turned to Meaghan and hugged her tightly. She felt so alone. She just held on tight as she cried. At that moment, it felt like Meaghan was the only person she had at all.
***
Eric held Nadia tightly in his arms as she cried hard. She hadn't said anything yet, but he knew it had to be something to do with Sydney or her father.
"Shh..." Eric whispered into her ear. "Its all going to be okay. I won't let anything happen to you. I love you."
"Make this pain go away," Nadia said quietly as she sobbed.
Eric hugged Nadia tight and then gently led her over to the couch, keeping her in his arms the whole time.
"What happened? Who upset you?"
"Sydney."
"What about her? Was it Vaughn on the phone trying to convince her to see you. If it was, I will... I don't know. But he'll regret it, even if he's my best friend," Eric said with anger.
"No, it was Sydney. She called from the hospital."
"What? Oh, Nadia, I'm so sorry." Eric kissed her gently on the forehead as tears streamed down her face.
"I didn't even know what to say. I wanted to hang up but my arm wouldn't move."
"What did she say?"
"She wants to see me," Nadia replied sorrowfully.
"Maybe I can ask Jack to tell her to leave you alone. Or we can get the ward's number blocked. Either way, I won't let her hurt you again."
"I don't know what to do." Nadia's eyes looked lost.
"You don't have to do anything. I will take care of everything," Eric insisted.
"I feel like I can't just sit here anymore. I feel like I have to do something but I don't know what."
"Whatever you want to do, I'll help you," he reassured her.
"I know you will. Thank you, Eric, for being so helpful. I can't thank you enough."
"I love you. I'll do anything for you, Nadia. I don't want to see you hurt again."
Nadia looked into his eyes and saw the love in them. She wrapped her arms around him and sighed. She was so lost, but at least she had him. He was all she had left.
Chapter 48
Vaughn walked into the APO offices at 9:43am and headed straight towards Jack's office. As he walked, his head pounded. He hadn't been able to sleep well in weeks and had taken to medicating himself with alcohol. Each morning was a new hangover, but it was the same struggle - coping with Sydney's illness. Vaughn headed into Jack's office now with Sydney on his mind.
"Jack," Vaughn started.
"You're late again," Jack pointed out as he looked up from the file he was reading. His stone cold face showed traces of his annoyance.
"Sorry. Look, I just wanted an update on Sydney. I'm sure you've talked to her doctor recently," Vaughn explained.
"I have," Jack stated plainly.
"And?"
"She thinks Sydney is making progress."
"You don't seem very enthused, Jack."
"Because I've seen Sydney for myself and made my own assessment," Jack explained darkly.
"You saw Sydney? I thought she wasn't seeing visitors," Vaughn replied.
"She agreed to see me."
Vaughn paused for a moment as he wondered about himself. Why didn't she ask to see him?
"Well, was she okay?" Vaughn asked eagerly.
"She was..." Jack stopped as he tried to figure out what to say. He didn't really know how she was exactly. All he knew was that she was angry and bitter. "She is making improvements."
"Is she still seeing things? Is she still violent? I need to know, Jack."
"As far as I know, she isn't."
"Well, I want to see her."
"She doesn't want to see you."
"Did she say that?"
"No, but I know my daughter. I know they almost called security on you when you last visited her." Jack's eyes looked at Vaughn with contempt.
"Jack, that was all a misunderstanding."
"It doesn't matter. I'm not putting her at risk for any more problems by letting you see her," Jack replied.
"Its not up to you! Ask Sydney. She has a right to make that choice for herself," Vaughn said.
"You can try and see her, but you won't get any help from me. And I'm sure the hospital staff isn't going to help you either," Jack stated.
"You don't have the right to keep me from her!"
"I don't care. I will protect Sydney. If you ever hurt her, you know what I will do to you."
"She doesn't need protection from me. She loves me. She needs me in her life."
"That's opinion. Now I have work to do, so if you'll leave now," Jack said in a hard tone, his eyes threatening.
Vaughn shook his head and stormed out of the office. He felt lost for what to do. He needed to see her. She needed him. His head pounded harder as he walked towards his desk in despair.
***
Nadia walked into APO with Eric. Both their faces were solemn and exhausted.
"Are you sure you want to be here? You could have called in sick," Eric said to Nadia.
"There was no reason to," she replied.
"You're exhausted. You hardly slept last night and when you did, you had nightmares."
Nadia sighed at the reminder of her very long night. But as tired as she was, she couldn't stand staying at home. It only gave her more chances to think about everything, to think about that phone call from Sydney yesterday.
"I'll be fine, Eric," Nadia said as she gave him a light smile. Eric put his arm around her and led her towards their desks.
"Nadia," Vaughn called out from across the room.
Nadia immediately felt grim as Vaughn approached her. She knew exactly what he wanted.
"What do you need, Vaughn?" Nadia asked politely despite her annoyance.
"I need to talk to you about Syd."
"Stop! I'm not having this conversation," Nadia replied stubbornly.
"Just listen to what I have to say, please," Vaughn asked. Nadia just stared at him.
"Vaughn, this isn't a good time," Eric warned, giving him a dismissive look. It was something he had rarely done before all of this mess had happened.
"Weiss, Sydney is your friend too, or have you forgotten that now that she is mentally ill?"
"You know I haven't forgotten her as a friend, but what she did to Nadia wasn't okay. Nadia is my priority."
"And Sydney is mind! Right now, Nadia is the only chance she has at getting better."
"She has doctors and medication and Jack. She doesn't need Nadia," Eric replied.
Vaughn looked straight into Nadia's eyes. "She needs you," Vaughn said. Nadia didn't say anything. Instead, she looked away from him. "Look, she wants to apologize to you. If you see her, it will make her happy and that will make her more open to treatment and to people trying to help her."
"I'm sorry, Vaughn. I do care about Sydney, but Nadia isn't ready to see her yet," Eric said stubbornly.
"Nadia?" Vaughn prodded.
Nadia looked into Vaughn's eyes for a moment and then looked to the ground. She didn't know what to do. After a moment, Nadia suddenly felt angry. Sydney had done so much to her. None of this was fair. She wanted to love her sister again, but there was just too much anger. She looked up at Vaughn.
"No," Nadia said and turned around, walking away.
***
Sydney sat in the TV room staring at the screen. Some of the other patients were watching a soap opera. Sydney has no interest in it. Her eyes glazed over as she stared forward. Her thoughts had drifted to Nadia. She was trying to think of a plan to get a message to her. There were things she needed Nadia to know.
Getting tired of hearing the TV, Sydney got up and wandered down the hall. She realized as she passed Meaghan's room that she hadn't seen her all day, not even at breakfast. Looking in, she noticed Meaghan wasn't there.
After sweeping the ward, Sydney felt a concern over her friend. She headed towards the nurses' station.
"Where's Meaghan?" Sydney asked the nurses.
"Seclusion," they answered.
"What? Why?" Sydney asked confused.
"We really can't discuss that with you." Sydney sighed. She knew they'd never tell her because of patient confidentiality.
Sydney walked down the hall towards the lounge and sat down, looking out the window.
"Bored?" an older female patient named Annie asked her.
"I'm thinking about Meaghan. She's in seclusion."
"Its because she was cutting herself. I don't know what she used, mind you," Annie explained.
"Oh," Sydney replied as her heart ached for Meaghan.
"When the nurse tried to stop her, she threatened to slit her wrists so they put her in seclusion. Not the first time that girl has tried that. She's a very messed up little girl," the woman said.
"She's also my friend," Sydney pointed out.
"Yes, but don't think you can fix her. I've seen her type before. Those depressed ones, they are always on the verge of taking their lives. Its sad really."
"Meaghan's not like that."
"You think that all you want, but she's got a darkness inside. I wouldn't be surprised if she oft herself tomorrow."
"Shut up! You don't know anything," Sydney yelled.
"Is there a problem here?" a nurse asked, appearing out of no where.
"No," Sydney said as she glared at Annie.
"Then why don't you two go somewhere else... separately," the nurse warned.
"Fine." Sydney sighed and went back to her room.
She was worried about Meaghan. She was worried about Nadia. And she didn't know what to do. She was lost.
Chapter 49
Sydney sat in her room while Meaghan was in seclusion. She was worried about her. The thought that she had cut herself, that she had threatened to slit her wrists was distressing to Sydney.
Sydney decided to see if Meaghan was going to be out of seclusion soon so she went to the nurse’s station. She noticed Faith was just getting on for the night shift. She hadn’t seen her in awhile and it made her feel good inside to know that she would be on for the next 12 hours.
“Sydney, can I help you?” Faith asked with a smile.
“ I was just wondering how much longer Meaghan will be in seclusion,” Sydney asked.
“She should be out soon assuming she doesn’t do anything that would prompt us to keep her in seclusion longer. But she’s probably tired. I imagine she will be going to bed for the night once she comes out. Why don’t you go find something else to do instead,” Faith explained.
“I was just worried about her. I wanted to make sure she is okay.”
“That’s very kind of you Sydney. You can talk to her in the morning, alright,” Faith said.
“Okay,” Sydney said as she turned around and headed back to her room.
Suddenly, she stopped and turned back around to see Faith heading back into the nurse’s station. The seclusion room was diagonally across the hall from the nurse’s station, just enough that she could go to the door without being seen. But she would have to be quiet.
“Meaghan?” Sydney said as she opened the door to the small window.
The light in the hallway allowed Sydney to see Meaghan’s figure slumped down in the corner of the dark room.
“Meaghan?” Sydney called out again quietly.
She saw Meaghan look up. The girl smiled as she saw Sydney’s face in the window and immediately went to the door.
“Are you okay?” Sydney asked.
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? I heard what happened. I was worried about you.”
“I’ll be fine. I was just upset and kinda lost my temper but its fine.”
Sydney could see the ashamed look on Meaghan’s face as she tried to pretend everything was alright. Sydney knew differently.
“If you want to talk about it, we can. I mean when you get out of seclusion,” Sydney offered.
“Thanks,” Meaghan smiled lightly overtop of her shamed look.
“What’s going on here?” a nurse asked as she emerged from the nurse’s station.
“I just wanted to see if Meaghan was alright,” Sydney confessed.
“Sydney, you know you’re not allowed to talk to patients in seclusion, now go on,” the stern nurse explained.
Sydney waved lightly to Meaghan as she left. Sometimes she really hated the nurses there. They had stupid rules that frustrated Sydney. Hopefully, she would be out of there soon, Sydney thought. She was doing her best not to fight with anyone, and she hadn’t seen Sark or any other ghosts in awhile. She was hopeful and already had a plan in mind. All she needed to do was get level three privileges, then her plan would be set in motion.
***
It had been a couple of days since that day Meaghan had been in seclusion. Sydney had been keeping a close eye on her. It pained her to see the long red cuts across her forearm. Meaghan didn’t to want to talk about it, so Sydney decided she would just stay away from the topic.
“I hate it here,” Meaghan said despondently as they sat in Sydney’s room.
“So do I. But its not forever,” Sydney said, knowing her future plans.
“It could be. This place makes me want to die. I feel dead in here!”
Meaghan was noticeably frustrated by being in the hospital. Sydney had noticed a change in her attitude since she had been in seclusion. She seemed more pessimistic and bitter about everything, like she was getting even more sick of this place.
“They can’t keep us in here forever, I’m sure of it.”
“But they can, Sydney. After a couple months in here, they can just ship you off to a mental hospital for life. This really is the rest of my life and I’m tired of it!”
“Don’t worry. I’m here for you. I won’t let them hurt you.”
Sydney was hesitant to tell Meaghan about her plan as much as she wanted to. She couldn’t risk telling anyone, even if she was thinking of taking Meaghan with her. She wasn’t sure if she could, but hearing how much Meaghan hated this place, she felt like she owed it to Meaghan to get her out of here, to save her from this place. It was obviously killing her being here.
“You’re a good friend, Sydney. I don’t know what I will do when you get out of here.”
“I told you not to worry about any of that. It will all be fine.”
“Okay.”
They smiled at each other lightly. Then Sydney sighed and looked out the window. Her thoughts may have been occupied by Meaghan the last few days, but she still thought about Nadia much of the time. Right now, the thought of her sister had flooded back into her mind.
“What are you thinking about?” Meaghan asked.
“My sister. I miss her.”
“I know you do. I wish she could see what I see in you, the goodness, the remorse for what you did. Then she would be able to see past what happened and talk to you again,” Meaghan explained.
“I need her to know some things, but I don’t know how since she won’t talk to me or listen to anyone else about me.”
“What if you wrote her a letter? You’re father could give it to her. I mean she might just tear it up, but there is a chance she would read it.”
Sydney smiled. “A letter. That is a perfect idea! Thank you”
“I just want to help you all I can.” Meaghan smiled.
“I think my father is coming this week. Maybe even tomorrow. I’m not sure,” Sydney said thinking.
“I’ll leave you to write it then.”
Meaghan and Sydney smiled at each other as Meaghan left the room. Sydney sat down at the side table with paper and a pen eager to write. As she stared at the paper though, her mind went blank
“Damn it, I don’t even know what to write,” she said to herself.
Sydney stared out the window and let the light flood into her eyes and wash over her face. She closed her eyes and pictured the last happy time she had with Nadia. They had been sitting in her house talking about Eric and how Nadia was falling for him. Sydney smiled as she thought about it. After a moment she frowned. She didn’t even know if Nadia and Eric were still together. She didn’t know anything that was going on outside of the hospital. Sydney sighed and went back to her letter. Staring at the blank sheet of paper, she just let the words come to her.
Dear Nadia,
I know you don’t want to read this letter. But I’m asking you to just give me a chance and hear what I need to say. I know you don’t owe me anything and I couldn’t blame you if you ripped up this letter right now, but please just listen.
I know I hurt you so much. Every time I close my eyes, I see you falling into the water and I just hate myself. I know that doesn’t change what I did, but honestly, it sickens me to know what I did to you. I just wish I could go back and change things but I can’t. I feel so much shame. You can’t even imagine how much shame I feel at this moment, how much I hate myself for what I did to you. I don’t expect you to forgive me ever. But I wanted you to know how sorry I am and how much I love you.
I want to explain why I did what I did even though its no excuse. I just got so caught up in The Guildiya and saving everyone. No one would help me and I went overboard and, I don’t know, I just lost sight of everything. It was stupid. But in my heart, I was trying to save everyone. I know that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make it okay and it will never take away the remorse I feel. Nonetheless, I felt I owed it to you to explain what happened.
Nadia, I’m so sorry. I know you’ll probably never forgive me, but I am so so sorry. Please know that. I hurt you so badly and I can never forgive myself for trying to kill you. Nadia, I need you to know I love you. You are my sister. I spent my entire life wanting a sister and then I got you and you were perfect. I couldn’t ask for a better sister but I went and ruined it. I’m sorry. Please please know how sorry I am. I love you. I’m sorry. I love you so much.
Sydney
Chapter 50
Sydney let her index finger graze over the edge of the white envelope as she sat on her bed. It was a plain white envelope with the name Nadia Santos written on the front. Sydney held it firmly knowing that it held deep emotions within it. She imagined it would make Nadia emotional to read it and that idea pained Sydney. But nonetheless, there were things she needed Nadia to know and hoped that perhaps this was the first step in finding peace for both of them.
Sydney took a deep sigh as she sat there. She was waiting for her father. She wasn’t really looking forward to seeing him except to give him the letter. She trusted him to take it to Nadia, knowing he wouldn’t look inside and would ensure she got it. Sydney could feel her nerves twitching inside her, both for seeing her father again and for the letter. Sydney had seen her father about a week ago and she imagined it would be just as awkward today.
“Sydney?” Jack said as he lightly knocked on the door.
“Hi,” Sydney said as she tried to steady her nervous breath. She realized at that moment how stupid it was that she was nervous at the presence of her father.
“How are you feeling?” Jack asked hesitantly, worrying that he might trigger her bitterness at being in the hospital.
“I’m fine. I’ve been fine, dad.” As far as being sick was concerned, she was positive that statement was true, though she never thought she was sick in the first place. But nonetheless, she realized she was less distraught than when she first arrived. But still, things were not well. She was in the hospital after all and things with Nadia were not going well.
“That’s good to hear. Have they been treating you alright?” Jack asked.
“I guess. I haven’t had any problems really. Still, I don’t think its necessary for me to be here.”
“Sydney-”
“I know, dad. This is the only way you could keep me out of prison. But dad, I’m not sick anymore. I take my medication and I’m as clear headed as before. I promise you, I am fine now.” She didn’t mean it. She knew she was never sick. But she had to say it to get him off her back, to appease him and the rest of them.
“I’m glad to hear that. But nonetheless, you have to stay here until the doctors assess that you are ready to leave. I imagine it will be awhile until that happens,” Jack explained.
“I don’t understand that. I mean if I am no longer sick, than why keep me here?” Sydney asked with frustration.
“They want to be sure, Sydney. You have to understand that you murdered someone, regardless of who that person was. The CIA needs assurance that you are alright.”
“And they can have assurance. Look at me. I’m okay now. I haven’t hallucinated in weeks. I haven’t been violent. I am insightful. Look at me, dad. Isn’t that all the assurance they need?”
“You know it isn’t, Sydney.”
“No one trusts me anymore. It will never be the same anymore. Have I lost my status in the CIA forever?” Sydney asked with sorrow for her old life.
“I doubt the agency will ever allow you back after this,” Jack said regretfully.
Sydney looked down at the floor as she swallowed her emotions. The idea that her old life was gone for good was something that she could never be okay with. She was Agent Sydney Bristow. The idea that she would never be that person again, the idea of that person being dead, was a harsh reality for her.
“I’m sorry, Sydney. I know it must be hard for you,” Jack said.
She wanted to scream out that he could never know how hard it was, that he would never understand what it was like to have your whole identity ripped out of your hands, but she bit her tongue. She knew remaining calm and sane was the only way she could get out of this mess.
“I just wish things could be different.”
“I know you do, Sydney. For what its worth, I will always be here for you. You won’t loose me regardless of anything else you might have lost,” Jack told her.
A tear formed in Sydney’s eyes. At that moment, she realized her father was not her enemy. He was one of the only things she had left in her life. He was the only link she had to her old life. Perhaps he would help her once she escaped. He always swore he would protect her, she thought. Nevertheless, she had to keep her mouth shut about escaping. She had to behave herself.
“Dad, there’s something I need you to do for me.”
“What’s that?”
“I wrote this letter to Nadia. Can you see that she gets it?”
Jack paused as Sydney held out the white envelope. He knew Nadia was in a lot of pain and giving her this letter would likely cause her more pain. But he had to do it for Sydney even if he knew it would probably never help. Nadia was done with Sydney. Jack doubted she would ever move on from this. He had little faith in people and this was no different.
“Okay.” Jack took the letter and put it in his inner jacket pocket. “You probably want to get some rest don’t you?” Jack asked, figuring he had outstayed his welcome.
“Dad, you don’t have to go. I mean unless you are busy,” Sydney said.
“I’m never too busy for you, Sydney.” Sydney smiled at that.
She moved over and made room for her father on the bed. He was surprised at the gesture, but he quickly took the opportunity and sat down.
“So, what do you do here during the day?”
“Honestly, nothing. There really isn’t much to do here.”
“I’m sorry,” Jack responded.
“Its not your fault. Mostly I just talk with my friend Meaghan.”
“You’ve made a friend?” Jack asked.
“Yeah. Its nice to have someone on my side here. We’ve been growing close over the last few weeks.” Sydney smiled as she thought about Meaghan.
“I’m glad for you, Sydney. You deserve to have someone in your life.”
“I do miss everyone else though. Vaughn, Weiss, Dixon, Marshall… Nadia. How are they all?”
“Everyone is fine. Things at work aren’t that much different, although we are a bit short staffed right now,” Jack explained.
“Because of me and Sloane being gone?” Jack nodded. “Are Eric and Nadia still together?”
“Yes. Nadia has moved in with him.” Sydney smiled. “Nadia found it too hard to be at your apartment.” Her smile faded into a frown. She quickly looked down. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Its okay, dad. I can handle the truth. How is Nadia?”
“She’s had a rough time of it. But Agent Weiss has been helping her through the rough times. I know you want to see her, but Sydney, I don’t think its going to happen. She’s just not in a place to see you right now. I’m sorry.”
“I know, but I need to tell her some things. I tried to phone her but she wouldn’t listen, hence the letter. I know she won’t forgive me. Its not about that. I simply need to tell her how sorry I am, I need to explain to her what happened.”
“I know you do, Sydney. I will give her the letter.”
“Thanks, dad.”
“You haven’t asked about Vaughn,” Jack noted.
“Things didn’t go well when I saw him last. I mean, I think about him all the time. But I don’t think I can forgive him yet for how things were last time we saw each other.”
“Yes, I heard what happened. He’s been asking to see you. I haven’t given him the opportunity to see you though. I figured it would be too hard,” Jack explained.
“It would be. Thanks.” Sydney smiled. Things with her father were improving. She was actually starting to feel more comfortable around him. He was her father, not her enemy. She could feel that now.
“Sydney, if you don’t want to see someone, I will make sure you don’t have to,” Jack said firmly.
“Thanks, dad.” Sydney smiled lightly at him. For the first time in a long time, she actually felt love for him instead of bitterness. She had her father back. Her eyes lit up at that thought. She had her father.
Chapter 51
Jack felt uneasy in his stomach. It wasn’t that he was nervous. He was rarely nervous. But he knew what he was about to do was going to hurt someone deeply, someone that mattered to his daughter, and to some extent him. He knew he had to give Nadia the letter though. He had to do it for Sydney. Jack watched as Nadia talked to Agent Weiss at their desks. She seemed like she was in a good mood, or at least Weiss was making her feel good. Jack got up and reluctantly approached her.
“Jack, do you need something?” Nadia asked, getting up from her desk.
“Can I see you in my office,” his face was grim.
Nadia immediately felt unsure as she followed him. As soon as they were in his office, Jack handed her the white envelope with Sydney’s letter inside it.
“What’s this?” she asked confused.
“Its from Sydney. I realize your first inclination is to get rid of it, but I don’t know what is in that letter and neither do you. It might be in your interest to read it,” Jack explained.
Nadia stared at him for a moment, and then glanced down at the letter, the words Nadia Santos written on it in Sydney’s handwriting. Just holding it, she could feel Sydney’s presence. A part of her wanted to keep feeling it. She longed for her sister, the one she had before all this. She missed that Sydney. But this wasn’t the same Sydney… was it? She thought to herself.
“Do you need anything else?” Nadia asked quickly as she tried to mute her emotions and shoved the letter in her pocket.
“No.” She nodded and left his office, her eyes dim and staring down at the floor as she walked.
“What did Jack want?” Eric asked as Nadia walked back to her desk.
“I… I really don’t want to talk about it here or now.”
“Okay. We don’t have to.” Eric immediately knew it was about Sydney. He knew better than to push the subject. He hoped she would open up about it later. He worried when she kept things bottled up inside.
**
Sydney sat in the meeting room once again waiting for her psychiatrist. She had these meetings a couple times a week. They were never something she looked forward to. They were always the same questions. Nothing ever changed.
“Hello, Sydney,” her psychiatrist greeted her.
“Hi,” Sydney said in a less than cheery demeanour.
“How have you been feeling?” Dr Bowen asked as usual.
“I’m fine. I’ve been feeling good actually.” Good was probably an overstatement. She was fine. She was bored. She was restless and wanted out of there.
“I’ve heard positive things from the nurses this past week. It seems you’ve been doing well lately.”
“I have.”
“So you agree then,” the doctor confirmed.
“Yes. Which is why I think my privileges should be increased. I don’t understand why I shouldn’t be allowed to go out and get some air, or walk around the hospital grounds. It would be nice. I like fresh air.”
“I realize that and up to this point I have been reluctant to increase your privileges. But I think we can try level III privileges for now. But if things don’t go well, your privileges can be reduced.”
“I’m not going to get worse. I can handle having more privileges,” Sydney asserted.
“Alright. I’m not going to issue any day passes yet. Let’s see how things go and then we can talk about day passes.”
“Okay,” Sydney said in an eager tone. She was finally making progress on her plans. She couldn’t carry them out right away though. It would take time to ensure things worked. She had to be very careful at this point.
“Alright then. Thanks. You may go now.”
“Thank you,” Sydney said with a smile as she left the room.
Sydney immediately went to Meaghan’s room to tell her the good news, though nothing about her plans.
“Guess what?” Sydney said cheerfully as she got to Meaghan’s door. Suddenly her smile dropped and her heart ached. “What’s wrong?” Sydney asked Meaghan as she saw the crying girl peer out the window.
Meaghan immediately wiped away her tears as she saw Sydney.
“I’m okay, really,” Meaghan assured Sydney.
“You’re not. You can tell me. Why were you crying?” Sydney sat down next to her on her bed and gently put her hand on Meaghan’s shoulder.
“Life just feels so hopeless. I will never get out of here,” Meaghan sniffled.
“That’s not true. It just seems that way.”
“I’m sorry, Sydney. I don’t want to ruin your hope. But I’ve been here longer and I know that this place is forever. If you get out of here its only because they are shipping you off to a different hospital.”
“I need to believe that there is hope Meaghan. Just hang on to that hope. I promise, things will get better in time,” Sydney rubbed her back as she smiled to her.
She knew she would have to take Meaghan with her. She couldn’t leave her closest friend in this place without hope. But she couldn’t risk telling Meaghan the truth yet. No one could know.
“I feel so alone.”
“You have me.”
Meaghan looked at Sydney and wiped away her tears and just nodded. Sydney smiled. Neither of them had to be alone now and once Sydney and her escaped, things would get better for both of them, she thought.
***
“So what does this mean?” Sydney asked bright eyed.
“I can tell you're very excited about this Sydney, but remember your privilege level can be changed back to one or two if things don't work out,” Faith warned her eager patient.
“I know, I know. I just want to know exactly what I can do now that I couldn't before,” Sydney insisted on knowing.
“Well for starters, you can get rid of those hospital pyjamas and wear your normal clothes. I don't know what you were wearing when they brought you in but perhaps your father can bring you some clothes,” the nurse explained.
“Okay, and what else?”
“You are eligible for day passes if your doctor approves them, which means you can take trips outside of the hospital.”
“Dr. Bowen mentioned it was too soon for that. But what about going outside? Can I go outside?”
“There are limited grounds privileges. We usually let patients go down to a specific area once an hour for 10 minutes in order to smoke. Seeing as you don't smoke, you can just go spend those 10 minutes getting some fresh air. But you are not supposed to leave the designated area. Its just down in the courtyard outside the doors of this wing of the hospital.”
“Do I have to go with a nurse?”
“No you don't anymore. But I strongly suggest that you don't leave the designated area. You will be found if you leave and you'll be back at level I privileges again.”
“I won't. You can trust me. I just want fresh air. What about Meaghan, can she come with me to get some fresh air?”
“Meaghan is back on level I privileges so she isn't allowed to leave the ward.”
“Oh, well how long until she is back on level III again? It would be nice to spend some time outside with her.”
“Sydney, that all depends on Meaghan, but I suggest you don't get your hopes up. It may take her awhile to gain those privileges back.”
“Oh. Okay. Thanks,” Sydney said, letting the nurse get back to her duties.
All Sydney really cared about was being able to go outside by herself. Of course, when she did carry out her plan, it would be helpful to be able to wear regular clothes. But what about Meaghan? Sydney had no idea how she was going to do this if Meaghan couldn't go outside with her. Sydney would have to think about that. It would take time to scope out the area where she was allowed outside and determine an escape route. Perhaps she could convince Meaghan to start doing really well and get her privileges back in that time. Either way, Sydney knew at this point that she couldn’t leave her closest friend behind in this place that was slowly killing her.
Chapter 52
Nadia's face was solemn as she ate her dinner. Eric glanced at her as he ate his linguini knowing that whatever happened in Jack's office today was weighing heavily on her.
“Are we gonna talk about it?” Eric gently prodded.
Nadia sighed. “I don't know. A part of me just wants to forget about it.”
“But you can't. You know whatever it is, its something that is going to continue to upset you, especially if you try and burry it,” Eric said.
“I know.” Nadia paused for a moment. “Its Sydney. Jack gave me a letter from her today.”
“Did you read it?” Eric asked, knowing this couldn't be good for Nadia.
“No. I haven't looked at it. I just shoved it in my pocket. All day I could feel it in there though. But I don't know if I can open it. I don't know if I should open it.” Nadia looked into Eric's eyes for answers.
“I can't tell you what to do. I don't know if you should open it or not. I really don't.”
“Okay,” Nadia replied quietly as she looked down at her plate.
She took a few more bites but she could barely eat it. Her throat felt like it had a large lump forming in it. Her eyes burned as tears tried to fight their way out. She didn't want to cry. She had done that enough.
“Damn it,” Nadia said under her breath as she tried to force away her emotions and failed. She took in a deep breath and held it for a moment. She knew what she had to do. “Excuse me.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” Eric asked. She didn't answer him.
Nadia went into their bedroom to her coat that was draped over the chair. She pulled the white envelope out of the pocket and went and sat down on the bed. Her finger caressed the edges of the letter while she stared at it, not wanting to open it.
“You can do it,” Eric said as he appeared in the doorway.
She looked up at him with tears glossing over her eyes. Then she looked back down at the letter and began tearing it open. She pulled the letter out of the envelope and stared at it until she finally had the courage a few moments later to unfold it. There she could see Sydney's handwriting flooding over the page. She could feel her sister as she stared at it.
Dear Nadia,
I know you don’t want to read this letter. But I’m asking you to just give me a chance and hear what I need to say. I know you don’t owe me anything and I couldn’t blame you if you ripped up this letter right now, but please just listen.
As she read the words, each word, images of Sydney flowed through her mind. She imagined her locked up in a psychiatric ward, her arms bound together in a white coat as she screamed out for them to let her go. Somehow, though, the words written on the page didn't sound like they were coming from anyone like that. They sounded like they were coming from a rational well thought out person, the sort of person Sydney used to be. She could feel Sydney's sensitivity, she could tell Sydney didn't want to hurt her. But she had already done that. Nadia read on, still wary of what was to come.
I know I hurt you so much. Every time I close my eyes, I see you falling into the water and I just hate myself.
Nadia felt like she was falling into the reservoir at that moment. She could see it all so clearly. She could see Sydney's angry face staring down at her from the surface. She could feel herself drowning, struggling for air. She gasped.
I know that doesn’t change what I did, but honestly, it sickens me to know what I did to you. I just wish I could go back and change things but I can’t. I feel so much shame. You can’t even imagine how much shame I feel at this moment, how much I hate myself for what I did to you. I don’t expect you to forgive me ever. But I wanted you to know how sorry I am and how much I love you.
Tears were streaming down Nadia's face. The lump in her throat felt like it would suffocate her.
I want to explain why I did what I did even though its no excuse. I just got so caught up in The Guildiya and saving everyone. No one would help me and I went overboard and, I don’t know, I just lost sight of everything. It was stupid. But in my heart, I was trying to save everyone. I know that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make it okay and it will never take away the remorse I feel. Nonetheless, I felt I owed it to you to explain what happened.
The Guildiya. Nadia hated the sound of those words ringing through her head. It was all about The Guildiya and their plans to destroy the world. That's what Sydney tried to kill her for, The Guildiya. Were they really worth her life to Sydney? Nadia wondered as she sobbed.
Nadia, I’m so sorry. I know you’ll probably never forgive me, but I am so so sorry. Please know that. I hurt you so badly and I can never forgive myself for trying to kill you. Nadia, I need you to know I love you. You are my sister. I spent my entire life wanting a sister and then I got you and you were perfect. I couldn’t ask for a better sister but I went and ruined it. I’m sorry. Please please know how sorry I am. I love you. I’m sorry. I love you so much.
Sydney
Nadia let her finger grace over Sydney's name as her tears smeared it. She didn't know what to think. She felt like she was falling over the edge into darkness, into a strange place where nothing made sense. Sydney didn't even mention her father and how she murdered him. She didn't even care, did she? Suddenly Nadia felt rage seeping into her. After everything that had happened, she could tell Sydney didn't get it. She murdered her father and she didn't even understand what that did to Nadia. She sent Nadia flying off the edge to her death and yet she was asking for forgiveness and trying to explain how her desire to save the world made Nadia's life worthless. It made her so angry.
“Nadia?” Eric asked as he saw the rage in her eyes.
She just stared down at the letter as her face grimaced. Eric walked over to her and sat down next to her. He tried to touch her but she shook away. Suddenly she began to rip up the letter in an angry fit. She tore off each piece violently and threw it to the floor. She wished each piece were a rock so she could throw it hard but instead each piece floated down the floor like a feather. She wanted to scream. But she didn't. Instead, she let her head fall to her hands and she began to sob uncontrollably. Pain riled through her body like an earthquake.
Eric was at a loss for what to do. He had never seen her like this before. Each time he tried to touch her, she moved away. Nadia felt like she was entangled in thorns, in a mess that she could never get out of. She didn't know what to do. She felt dirty. She didn't want to be touched.
“I'm so sorry,” Eric whispered. She didn't respond. She didn't know how to respond at that moment. She just cried.
**
Eric stared at the clock. Nadia was lying on their bed as if she were in a stupor. She had cried for what felt like forever, though only 15 minutes and then she exhausted herself and lay down. It was an hour later and Eric wasn't sure what to do. He just watched her and the clock as the room lay dead silent.
Suddenly, she spoke. “I hate this,” she whispered.
“What?” Eric asked, not even hearing what she had muttered.
“I hate this,” she said louder and more bitterly.
“I'm sorry,” Eric replied.
“You aren't the one who should be sorry. You aren't the one who tried to kill me, who killed my father, who ruined my life!”
“What are you going to do?” he asked.
“I don't know.” Eric gently rubbed her back. “I need to see her.”
His eyes grew wide. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
Chapter 53
Her stomach quivered with nerves. As she stepped off the elevator, she could see the sign reading Psychiatry pointing towards the set of double doors a few yards down the hall. There was a window in each door. She could see someone looking out the doors. A man. He looked desperate to get out. She could see someone else trying to shoo him away from the doors. A nurse, she assumed. Her stomach tossed around inside her gut. The majority of her felt like turning around right then and running back home to Eric's safe arms. But there was that tiny part of her that wouldn't let go, wouldn't let her leave, forced her forward. Why was she listening to this small part? She asked herself. Why wouldn't she just let this go, move on, forget about it.
As Nadia reached the doors, she noticed a buzzer next to them. She was about to press it when she hesitated. She looked through the windows at the man. He looked sad as the woman tried to persuade him to leave the doors. He kept pointing out the doors and pleading with her to leave. Suddenly he looked straight at her. Her heart felt like it had stopped. She had dealt with a lot of people as an agent but somehow this man scared her more than them. Nadia turned around and quickly walked back to the elevator.
She couldn't breath. Each breath was forced in as she stood waiting for the elevator doors to open. They wouldn't open. There must be something wrong with the elevator. Nadia pressed the button a few more times impatiently.
“Come on,” she muttered.
She felt like she was going to pass out as she laboured to breath. The doors opened. She rushed on. Pressed the lobby button. She took in a deep breath and sighed. She was safe. She was free. She could go back home to Eric and forget about this stupid thing. It was a stupid idea. She didn't belong here. Stupid indeed.
Nadia got back to her car and put the key in to open the door. Suddenly she could taste the saltiness of a single tear as it rolled over her life. She put her hand up to her face and felt more tears. She didn't even realize she was crying. She had been too numb, too rushed to get out of there. She hadn't been thinking since she left those double doors to Psychiatry. She wiped her face with a kleenex from her purse.
She was just about to open the car door when a sudden breeze tore the kleenex from her hand. She watched as it blew towards the hospital. All of a sudden, that was all she could see – the hospital. North 3. It was standing right before her. The patients looking out the windows on the 3rd floor. She could see them. She could see their desperation. She could feel Sydney. Images of her Sydney one of those windows desperate to escape flooded her mind. It was all she could see. Tears rushed down her face. Sydney. She needed to see Sydney.
Nadia put her keys back in her purse and went straight back to the ward she had almost entered before. She stood at the door, having wiped her face dry, and rang the buzzer.
“Can I help you?” A male nurse said as he opened the door.
“I'm here to see Sydney Bristow. I'm her sister, Nadia Santos.”
“Oh, you're Nadia? She talked about you all the time. We didn't think you would come. Well, come with me. I'm sure she will be happy to see you.”
Nadia followed him down passed the nurses' station and down a corridor. She looked into each bedroom as she walked past, curious to see what they were like and who was in them. The man stopped at a room and motioned her into it. The sunlight was flooding the room but there was no one in it.
“This is her room. I'll go find her for you.” Nadia nodded.
As she looked around the room, she could see few touches of Sydney. There were no flowers, unlike some of the other rooms. There was just a made bed and a dresser with nothing on top of it. The other rooms had some home made art taped to the walls. Her walls were empty. The room felt empty to her. Sad.
Nadia walked over to the window and looked out. She could see the entrance to the emergency from there. And a little further, she could see where she parked. As she looked up, she could see the sun shining in the sky. It invaded her eyes as she let it wash over her.
“Nadia?” she heard a voice behind her. It was a sad voice, a remorse voice, a familiar voice. She was afraid to turn around but she had to. That little part inside her forced her to.
“Sydney,” Nadia said quietly as she forced the corners of her lips to turn upward, almost nearing a smile.
“I didn't think you'd come,” Sydney said, a longing look on her face.
Nadia could see the heartache in her eyes. She could feel that they both wanted the same thing – for things to be as they were before, to have each other back. Nadia's smile faded. They couldn't have that, she reminded herself. Things weren't the same.
“I didn't think I would come either.”
“I'm glad you did.”
There was an intense pause. Nadia was looking away from Sydney while Sydney looked at the floor. Shame hung from Sydney's entire body. After a moment, she gathered herself together and reminded herself why she wanted Nadia here so badly, why she wanted to face her despite how hard it was.
“Nadia, I want to tell you how...” she choked on her words as tears began to fall. “How incredibly sorry I am. I can never express to you how sorry I am. I know I can never make it right. I know you can never forgive me. But please know that I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, Nadia.”
Nadia half chuckled giving Sydney a perplexed look.
“I don't think you even know half of what you are sorry for,” Nadia replied bitterly as she eyed her sister.
“I do. Please believe me. I am sorry. I know what I did to you. I'm sorry.” Sydney stepped close to her and put her hand gently on Nadia's arm “Nadia, I'm-”
“Don't touch me,” Nadia said as she pulled her arm back.
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I'm sorry.”
“I read your letter. You know, you think you know what you should be sorry for but you don't. You don't get it at all. You murdered my father! Don't you get that. You didn't even mention him. You don't care about him or that you left me without him. You are glad you killed him. You got your revenge and it didn't matter what it cost me!”
“That is not true. Please believe me when I tell you that I am sorry. Nadia, I never wanted to hurt you.”
“But you did! You tried to kill me and you tried to rationalize it with The Guildiya and how you wanted to save the world. I am so sick of hearing about The Guildiya. They were worth my life to you!”
“No, that's not it at all,” Sydney tried to tell her.
“Oh, but it is. Do you realize that every time I close my eyes, I see you. I see you as I am falling backwards into the reservoir. I see you walking away as I drown. That's what I see and you're trying to tell me you are sorry.”
“Please, Nadia,”
“No. You don't get to beg me. You don't get to be the one everyone feels sorry for. You don't get to make this about you because it is not about you. It is about what you did to me! You ruined my life.”
“I know.”
“No you don't know. You don't get it at all. You don't know what its like at all.”<br /