Nocturne's Shadows

Great update! Really emotional!

I hope that Nadia can truely forgive her for what Syd has done. I hope that there was a reason/higher explenation why the situation got that grazy.
 
Thanks

Chapter 44

Sydney gazed out the window opposite her in the conference room as she waited for her psychiatrist. Three weeks had gone by since Sydney was first admitted to the hospital, since she was captured and locked up in this place. Every two to three days, she would meet with her psychiatrist, Dr. Bowen. The meetings were always the same and Sydney felt indifferent to them. They were only an opportunity to hear the same things over and over. "No, you're not ready to leave the hospital;" "No, I don't think you are ready for level three privileges."

Dr Bowen stepped into the room, an air of confidence surrounding her as she seated herself across from Sydney. A nurse followed her and took a seat corner to Sydney. It was the nurse Sydney had for that day. Sydney always preferred to have Faith sit in on the meetings, as if she had an ally with her. But Faith only worked a three 12 hour shifts a week.

"How have you been feeling, Sydney?" Dr Bowen asked.

"I've been fine. Everything has been fine," Sydney replied hastily. The answer was always the same, not that Sydney would say anything different. She knew better than that. If they knew she was having problems, they would only lock her up longer, take away her privileges even more.

"What have you been up to the last couple days?"

"Nothing. I'm stuck here. There really isn't anything to do."

"I really think you should try going to the group activities. It will give you something to do and a chance to talk with other patients," Dr Bowen encouraged her.

"I hate group. Its boring. Crafts and talking about my feelings aren't my thing." Sydney detested going to group activities and group therapy. She hated sitting there with all those patients, all those people that really were sick. She didn't belong with them. And the activities were so childish. Colouring, arts and crafts, they were a far cry from the work she could be doing at APO if she were there now.

"Well have you been socializing with the other patients on the ward?"

"Just Meaghan. I don't really like anyone else. They are hard to talk to. She isn't." Meaghan seemed like the only other sane person on the ward to Sydney. She noticed Meaghan was sad, but at least she wasn't talking to voices or yelling at the other patients and nurses. And she thought Sydney was normal. She felt like an ally to Sydney.

"So you and Meaghan have become friends?"

"Yes."

"That's good."

"I guess," Sydney shrugged.

"You don't think so?" the doctor asked with a hint of surprise.

"I think I'd be better off elsewhere. I'd be better off back in my real life with my friends," Sydney replied stubbornly.

"Things aren't the same, Sydney. You can't go back to your regular life as if nothing has changed."

"I could try," Sydney said harshly.

"What about your family? You have been refusing to see your father and Agent Vaughn. Your sister has refused to see you. Do you really think things will be the same?"

"They will be in time. But they won't ever be the same if I stay in here forever."

"If you continue to improve, you may eventually be moved to a less restrictive facility. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, alright," the doctor said in a calm tone.

"At least give me some more privileges." Sydney felt her lack of freedom was ridiculous. They had no right to tell her she couldn't go outside and she couldn't wear normal clothes. She felt bitter about the way things were on the ward. They weren't fair, she thought.

"Sydney, you were in seclusion a few days ago. I'm told you got into a fight with another patient."

"That's because she was picking on Meaghan."

"Still, I can't be giving you increased privileges if things like this happen. I need to know that you can handle increased privileges and you won't be a danger to yourself and others. You haven't proven that yet."

"This is ridiculous. I'm a prisoner here."

"You are a patient. If you weren't here you would be in prison. Sydney, you killed a man. You father was able to secure a deal. You are to remain in treatment until it is decided that you are alright to be released. Your father worked hard for that deal. You would be in prison for murder otherwise," Dr Bowen explained. Sydney didn't know about the deal. She paused for a moment. Her father had done that for her? It didn't matter, she thought. No, she was locked up here against her will for murdering a mass murderer, a terrorist.

"I'm sure very few people shed any tears over Sloane's murder. The CIA was probably happy. I did the world a favour."

"The CIA was not happy. Mr Sloane was a resource for them."

"He was a terrorist."

"Do you still believe there is an organization called The Guildiya trying to destroy the world."

"There was never a question that The Guildiya existed."

"Nevertheless, you thought they were more of a threat than your colleagues thought."

"They are a threat," Sydney replied stubbornly. She didn't even know what The Guildiya was up to now. She had no way of checking on them. She only hoped they weren't going to destroy everything while she sat there locked up in the hospital. It was something that was always on the back of her mind, along with finding a way to secure her freedom from this place.

"Even without Mr Sloane?"

"I don't know. How can I know when I am locked up in here."

"Sydney, I think you are still having paranoid thoughts. Perhaps we can increase the Olanzapine."

"It makes me tired." The truth was that Sydney despised the Olanzapine. It made her more than just tired. It made her lethargic and doped up. She felt like she was only half alive because of it. And moreover, she felt she didn't need it. They just wanted to keep her calm and sedated so she wouldn't give them trouble.

"Would you like to try a different medication then?" Dr Bowen offered.

"If it doesn't make me tired."

"Alright." The doctor turned to the nurse and began giving her instructions to put Sydney on another drug, one Sydney had not heard of. "Sydney, I'm decreasing the Olanzapine and starting you on another antipsychotic."

"Why can't I just stop the Olanzapine?"

"Its not safe to just stop a medication."

"Fine."

"Have you had any other side effects?"

"No."

"Have you been hearing any voices?"

"No."

"Have you seen Sark again?"

"No." It was one pointless question after another, she thought.

"One more thing, Sydney. You're father has been asking when he could see you again. I know you said no last time, but I told him I would ask you again."

"What's the point of seeing him?" Sydney said pessimistically.

"He's your father. He cares about you a great deal. It would be the first step in mending your relationship with him."

"He thinks I'm insane."

"He does not think that. He wants you to get better. Do you want to see him or not?"

"Fine." Sydney wasn't sure why she had said that. She didn't want to see him. Or did she? Despite being friends with Meaghan, she was terribly lonely and she missed her old life. She missed the father she knew before all this. She missed Vaughn, Nadia, Eric, Dixon, Marshall. All of her friends.

"Alright. You can go now," Dr Bowen stated with satisfaction. Sydney quickly got up and left the room, while the doctor and the nurse continued to discuss things.

Chapter 45

Jack had been sitting in his car for the last five minutes. He had arrived at Stafford Naval Hospital to see Sydney. It wasn't like him to hesitate doing something. But as he thought about Sydney and their last meeting, he realized how badly this could go. He didn't want to upset her again. He didn't want her to have to go into seclusion on account of his visit or for any other reason. When the doctor called him to tell him Sydney agreed to his visit, he was surprised. He wasn't sure if the doctor had to convince her or if she had actually wanted to see him. Nonetheless, he was relieved to be given another chance at seeing her.

Taking in a deep breath, Jack got out of his car and walked towards the hospital entrance. His face was cold and unemotional as it usually was, but inside he felt many emotions. He was excited to see her. He was worried he would upset her. He was nervous to see her in hospital pyjamas locked up in a psychiatric ward. The emotions all stirred together as he reached the elevator.

"You're going to visit a colleague?" a woman asked as she stood next to him in the elevator, noticing his professional appearance.

Jack immediately felt uncomfortable. He never liked small talk, especially with strangers. Small talk was only useful when feeling out a person and their motives.

"I'm visiting my daughter," Jack replied, not making eye contact.

"Oh. That's nice. I'm visiting my daughter as well. She just had a baby."

"Oh," Jack replied. He felt relief as the elevator doors finally opened.

"What's your daughter in for?" the woman asked with a curious smile. Jack suddenly felt both annoyed and unsettled. She had no business asking him such a question. But what was upsetting was the answer to his question. My daughter is in a psychiatric ward. Jack felt his stomach churn.

"This is my floor," Jack said as he immediately stepped out and walked quickly away, leaving the woman with a look of dissatisfaction.

Jack finally reached the doors to the ward Sydney was on. He rang the buzzer and a nurse quickly appeared.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I'm here to see Sydney Bristow," Jack replied with his poker face on.

"You're her father?" Jack nodded. "She's been waiting for you. Do you know where her room is?"

"Yes," Jack nodded.

"Alright, go on in," the nurse said warmly.

Jack walked solemnly towards Sydney's room. Just before reaching her door he took in a deep breath and tried to hide his unsettled feeling. This was Sydney, he reminded himself. She would always be Sydney regardless of anything.

Reaching her door, Jack knocked lightly.

"Come in," a voice replied.

As Jack opened the door, he noticed Sydney sitting on her bed reading a magazine. She glanced at him briefly, her face portraying no smile or any warmness towards him. At that moment, he realized she didn't want him there. His heart suddenly felt itself drop into his chest. It hurt him to know she had come to resent him so much. All he ever wanted to do was protect her and now she hated him. But it wasn't just that. She had hated him before when she was younger. But now she not only hated him, she was sick and she wouldn't let him be there for her, protect her. He could do nothing to protect her.

"Sydney," Jack started, not really knowing what to say. "How have you been?"

"Fine." She didn't want to talk at first. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to be grateful to him for securing the deal for her. But at the same time she resented him because she knew he thought she was insane. She hated being thought of as that. She was Sydney Bristow, a spy, a CIA agent, a strong person. She was always strong but now she was here and it seemed like there was nothing she could do. She felt pathetic. She was nothing compared to the person she was before. And it was his fault. He put her here. No, wait, she told herself. She would be in prison if it wasn't for him. It was all so confusing. She didn't know how to feel.

"I realize you don't want me here. I can go if you want," Jack said apologetically. As much as he wanted to see her, he didn't want to upset her. He was her father and he swore in his mind he would always do what was best for her. Seeing her when it would only upset her would go against that.

"No, its fine. Stay," Sydney said, not really sure if she wanted him here or not. She felt she owed him a chance at least. She realized how hard he must have fought for her to get that deal. When the doctor told her, she didn't know why she was surprised. He protected her. He was her father. She grew up thinking he was a bad person, that he didn't care about her. But over time she learned more about him, she learned that he cared deeply about her and that he protected her. Knowing that overrode those childhood memories of him not being around. She wanted to feel that way still. But now that she was stuck in that hospital, she didn't know what to think.

"How are they treating you here?" Jack asked.

"I don't know. Okay, I guess."

"If they ever treat you wrongly, you know I'm here for you right?" Jack replied insistently. It was true. He would never stand for anyone mistreating his daughter. He would find another doctor, another hospital. If it came to it, he would break her out. In some ways he wishes he could do just that, but he knew she wasn't going to be okay again. She needed to be in hospital. She was still sick.

"If you're really here for me, you'll get me out of here," Sydney said harshly.

Jack looked down, his face apologetic. Sydney immediately felt bad when she saw how her words hurt him.

"I'm sorry. I know about the deal that you made with the CIA. I know you can't get me out of here. I'm sorry I haven't been very understanding. I didn't know about it until a couple days ago," Sydney said as she read his face. She wasn't sure if he also wanted her here because he thought she was crazy or if he just didn't want her to go to prison. "Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think I'm insane?" she asked as she looked into his eyes.

"Of course not. Even if you were, I'd still love you. You'll always be my daughter," he replied.

"You don't think I'm crazy, then?"

"No, I don't." His eyes were filled with sincerity even with his poker face on.

"Do you think I need to be here?" she asked, looking at him hard.

"Sydney--"

"You do, don't you?"

"You aren't crazy Sydney,"

"But?"

"You're still not well. You need to be here for treatment."

"I'm not sick," Sydney replied stubbornly.

"Sydney, you are not well. I don't understand how you can not see that after everything that has happened," he lectured her stubbornly.

"I was trying to save everyone, all the people I love, you, the world."

"I know you were, but you didn't need to. There wasn't a threat. Sloane wasn't a threat."

"You still don't believe me!"

"I'm sorry, Sydney. There's just no evidence to support-" Jack tried to explain.

"What about my word?" Sydney replied harshly.

"You were not well. It was obvious. I couldn't trust your word, not when you were like that. I'm sorry." Jack looked down at the ground, not wanting to see the look in her eyes as he told her he basically didn't trust her.

"If you loved me, you would have believed me," Sydney replied with anger.

"This isn't about love, Sydney. I love you. There is no doubt about that. But I am a rational person capable of seeing when you are not well," Jack replied looking her in the eye.

Sydney was about to say something when she suddenly stopped and just breathed. It felt like the exact same fight as last time. She was tired of this fight. It happened over and over in her memory, in her dreams. She didn't want to fight anymore. Sydney discreetly glanced her eyes over at Jack for a second, then quickly turned them back to the floor. She could see the hurt on his face. He tried to hide it, but she knew she was hurting him. She knew what he looked like when he was hurt. She had hurt him before. She had tried to kill him when she was on the drug Nocturne. But she wasn't now. She was sane. And she didn't want to see it. She didn't want to see his pain. She wanted her father back. She wanted peace. Everything that was going on between them was too much. She was so tired.

"Do you want me to leave?" Jack asked her. He wishes she could just see reason, but he knew he couldn't expect that from her at this point.

"It doesn't matter." Sydney felt like crying, but she couldn't let him see her like that.

"Sydney, I'm sorry. I want things to be different for you. If I could take your place I would. But I can't. I want to fix all of this for you but at this point, all I can do is let you be here so the doctors can help you. Its the only way. I wish you could see that. I am trying to help you," Jack explained.

"I know you are trying to help, but I don't need it!"

"Don't you remember what it was like before you got here. You were sleeping in your car on the run. You hadn't eaten in days. You hadn't showered. You were delusional, dangerous even. They could have put you in prison for what you did. But I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't see my daughter go to prison. I made sure you ended up in a good hospital. I made sure you wouldn't be locked in here forever. I made sure you had a chance."

"I don't have a chance. Not in here!"

"You do. You can make things better for yourself by being in here. You can get well and then you can get out. All you have to do is get better, but you won't. You won't let yourself see what you've become, how sick you've gotten. If you could only see-"

"I can see fine! I can see how everyone but me has become irrational. I can see how everyone has labelled me as insane. Its like some sick joke. The only thing I can't see is why?!"

"Sydney, you are not fine. And things outside of here are not fine. Nadia is broken because of this. You tried to kill her. You killed her father. Do you think you will get out of the hospital right now and everything will be the same? It won't be. I can promise you that."

"It will be in time."

"Yes, if you get better. This is the only way. This is your only option. Please, just take it and get better. I will help you in any way I can. Just take this chance." She was silent. She didn't know what to say. Everything ran through her mind. Nadia, Vaughn, her father. She thought about all of them. She thought about APO and the last mission she went on. She thought about Danny and Francie and Will. She thought about her childhood and her mother and how everything should have turned out differently and it didn't. It was all unfair. All she was asking for now was to just go back to her life, despite how unfair it had been. But they wouldn’t let her. Everything should have turned out differently.

“Sydney, talk to me,” Jack said stubbornly, though trying not to sound angry. It was so frustrated that she wouldn’t see the way things weren’t. But he reminded himself that she couldn’t. It wasn’t her fault. She wasn’t just being the stubborn girl she always was. She was sick and he had to help her.

“Sydney, I want you to know I’m here for you. I love you.”

"I know." She didn't want to look at him.

"You should get some rest," Jack said, knowing he had overstayed his welcome.

"Yeah."

"Sydney, would it be alright if I came to see you again? Maybe in a week?" Jack asked despite knowing she likely didn't want to see him. Nonetheless, he wanted to see her, to keep trying to convince her that he was on her side. He wanted to be there for her even if she couldn't see it.

Sydney looked at her father's face and saw the desperate need of a father on it. He was her father. She knew he loved her. She knew he just wanted to protect her, even if he thought she was sick. She nodded her head.

"Okay. I'll see you soon then." He turned around and left, his heart beating loudly at her answer. Maybe there was hope after all.
 
At some time I truely thought that Syd was insane. But at the moment she speaks quite fine. We have to remember that Sydney Bristow has never showed here true feelings to anyone: she has always tried to be lonely when it comes to problems. I wish that she would get out of the hospital. In my opinion the right time for escaping is soon to become. I can't stand imagening superspy spending pointless time behind bars. And she was wright: most people have always wanted to see Sloane dead.
 
great update :smiley: i realllly hope she gets better and i think she would if Nadia just visits her, even though i kno it would be hard for Nadia.

i'm also glad that she wants to get better, and that she understands what her father is saying. can't wait for more !! :smiley:
 
Thanks and extreme apologies for the lack of updates. I'm gonna just post a big chunk so you guys are caught up with what's posted at fanfiction.net and my website.

Chapter 46

Sydney sat deep in thought when a voice suddenly said hello. It was Meaghan. Sydney instantly felt a little better at seeing Meaghan standing there in front of her. She was someone who was on Sydney's side. She was a friend, the only friend Sydney had right now.

"Hi," Sydney said in return.

"Was that your father who was just here?" Meaghan asked.

"Yeah," Sydney said, looking down.

"Didn't go well?"

"Not really. I guess it could have been worse though."

Meaghan went and sat on the chair across from Sydney and looked at her sympathetically.

"I'm sorry," Meaghan said.

"Its okay. Its just that I hate people thinking I am crazy."

"I know. My family thinks I'm crazy too. I don't even talk to them now. They don't want to see me because of it. I don't think I want to see them either."

"It must be hard having your family abandon you like that. I could never do that to someone."

"Its because I tried to kill myself and because I cut myself. They got so disgusted with me that they just wanted to get rid of me. They had me put here. I don't know when I will ever get out. And if I do, I have no where to go."

"I'm sorry," Sydney said. "Everyone says things will be different for me if I got out of here now. I guess they would be, but that's only because people are letting things change. People don't trust me. If only they would see what I was doing, maybe they would understand. They would see me for who I am, the same person I have always been. But no one wants to see it like that. They all just think I am crazy now. Its stupid."

"Yeah, it is. I mean, there are a lot of people that need to be here. But I don't think you need to be here, even if you have been seeing ghosts."

"I never believed in ghosts until I killed him. Now he haunts me. I haven't seen him in awhile though. I guess that's a good sign. He's leaving me alone."

"Yeah, that is good. But still, I can tell you're unhappy being here."

"I just wish people would see that I am fine. I am the same Sydney I have always been. And I wish I could see my sister. I did do something bad to her and I regret it. I just got so caught up in what I thought I had to do. I just want to see her so I can apologize to her."

"She won't see you still?"

"No."

"Have you tried calling her?"

"I don't want to apologize over the phone. I owe it to her to say it in person."

"True, but if she wont see you, do you have any other choice? Maybe you can call her and convince her to come see you. Then you can apologize to her in person," Meaghan explained.

"Maybe you're right. I've never called anyone from here. I don't even know how. Do the nurses listen in on us?"

"They say its private. There's a little room down the hall with a patient phone in it. I guess there could be hidden cameras, but I've never heard of it."

"I'll have to watch what I say. I don't trust the staff here."

"Neither do I," Meaghan agreed.

"Okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna call her." Sydney was nervous just saying it. But she felt like she had to do it. She had to get Nadia here somehow and this was the only way she could think of now.

"Good luck," Meaghan told her as she walked out of the room and headed down the hall towards the phone.

Sydney's stomach fluttered as she got the room with the phone. It was the size of a phone booth. It had a door with a window. Sydney opened the door and turned on the light. She could see the walls filled with graffiti. People had written different phone numbers on the wall. There were some doodles and some gossip. In a few spots, she could see "I'm not crazy!" or "Get me out of here!" written in large letters. She could imagine patients coming in here trying to convince people to get them out of here. Most of them probably had no one who would help them though. They were frustrated just like her.

Sydney went into the phone booth and sat down, shutting the door behind her. Her whole body felt jittery. She took in a deep breath and picked up the receiver. Suddenly someone knocked on the door. It was another patient.

"I'm busy," Sydney told him.

"I'm waiting for a phone call," the patient insisted.

"I need to use the phone. Leave me alone," Sydney said annoyed. That particular patient, John, had annoyed her like that on several occasions. He was interruptive and selfish, always wanting everything for himself.

Sydney turned back to the phone and hesitantly dialled Nadia's cell number. Her heart was beating hard and loud. It was ringing. Each ring made her cringe with nervousness. Suddenly a voice answered. Tears flooded Sydney's eyes as she heard the sound of Nadia's voice for the first time in weeks.

"Hello?" Nadia asked.

Sydney didn't know what to say. She froze, breathing hard into the phone.

"Who's there?" Nadia asked, wondering if it was a prank call, or perhaps one of her contacts.

"Its me," Sydney said quietly.

Nadia froze. She immediately recognized the voice. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to think. She was in shock. Her heart suddenly started pounding in her chest, each beat making her more on edge.

"Nadia?" Sydney asked.

Nadia's eyes filled with tears. She thought about hanging up. She thought about screaming and crying. She didn't know what to do. She was frozen in the moment and she just stood there. Frozen. Cold. Numb.

"Please, talk to me," Sydney said, her own eyes filling with tears.

"I can't," Nadia whispered through her shock.

"Don't hang up!" Sydney insisted.

"Don't do this," Nadia said quietly into the phone.

"Nadia, please. I just want to see you. I need to see you." Sydney felt her heart ache in her chest. It hurt to know that Nadia didn't even want to talk to her. It hurt to know she had hurt Nadia that much. Tears streamed down Sydney's face. "Please." She choked on her tears.

"I can't," Nadia said, still in shock, still frozen. Her eyes just stared forward, blurred over. The whole world disappeared and all she could see was herself falling into the reservoir, seeing Sydney getting smaller and smaller as she descended into the water. She felt like her heart was being stabbed at that moment. She was so overwhelmed. She wanted to hang up right then and there but her arm wouldn't move. Her whole body wouldn't move.

"Nadia, I love you. Please, just give me a chance," Sydney cried.

"Please, don't do this to me," Nadia said as she began to sob. Suddenly, her whole body came awake and all she wanted to do was scream and cry. Every part of her ached.

"Nadia, I'm so sorry. You can't imagine how sorry I am. Please just come here so I can apologize for real, so I can explain things. Please just give me this chance," Sydney said, choking on her words. Her own body ached as well. She shook as emotions riled through her.

Nadia was about to say something, but she couldn't get it out. There was just too much going on inside of her mind to speak anymore. She dropped the phone and collapsed to the floor crying.

"No," she whimpered. "No."

"Nadia?" Eric said as he walked through the front door. He dropped his bag and ran to her, hugging her tightly. She cried into him, her whole body shaking. "What happened?" She didn't answer him. She just cried.

Sydney sat on the other end of the phone sobbing. She still had the receiver up to her ear and she could hear Nadia and Eric on the other end. She could hear his comforting words. She could hear her cries. Sydney's heart ripped apart at that moment. She couldn't believe how much she had hurt Nadia. She wanted to tear into herself, take the pen and jab it into her heart. She deserved it. At that moment, she hated herself so much. Everything was falling apart. Sydney sat there and just cried, not even bothering to wipe away the tears. It was all falling apart.


Chapter 47

Tears streamed down Sydney's face as she sat in the patient's phone booth. Her body felt as if it were about to collapse onto the floor. She was jelly as she sat with the shock of talking to her sister, of hearing her sob through the phone, of feeling her pain.

Sydney tried to breath but every breath was a struggle as her body shook and her hands trembled. Her heart was loud as if it were torturing her with the reminder that she was still alive and completely undeserving of such in the midst of all the pain she caused Nadia. She had broken her and every breath Sydney took in felt like it was only feeding the monster she had become. It was making her sick and on the verge of disaster. It was all falling apart, she thought.

Sydney was suddenly startled when she heard a knock on the door. She could see it was a concerned Meaghan. Sydney opened the door, wiping her tears away, and looked for any sign of nurses. There were none, so she quickly went across the hall into the bathroom. There, she began to wash her face, wash away the tears and the mess she was. Meaghan stood and watched her sympathetically. Finally, Sydney looked up at her. Her face said everything.

"I'm sorry," Meaghan said.

Sydney looked at her, trying not to cry. She had no words for this moment, only a feeling of devastation.

Realizing the tears weren't done falling, Sydney walked into the shower stall and pulled the curtain closed. She sat on the bench as tears began to fall again.

"I hurt her so badly," Sydney finally said.

"Can I come in?" Meaghan asked from behind the curtain.

Sydney hated to have someone see her cry. She felt so vulnerable, but moreover, she felt complete shame at this moment.

"I hate myself. I hate who I've become."

"Don't say that," Meaghan replied gently.

"I've done such horrible things. I did them in the name of justice. I did them to save the people I love. But I haven't. I've only ruined everything. I'm horrible."

"No, you're not."

"I am."

"No. Everyone's made mistakes. You're not a bad person for it, Sydney. I'm sure you've done a lot of good things too."

"It doesn't matter. I've hurt someone I love so dearly. I've hurt my sister in irreparable ways."

"She'll get better and she'll forgive you in time," Meaghan said.

"You don't know what I've done to her."

"What did you do?"

"I killed her father. I thought he was going to hurt her and everyone else."

"Was he dangerous?"

"Yes."

"Than you were only protecting her," Meaghan insisted.

"That's not all I did. I tried to kill my sister," Sydney cried.

"Why?" Meaghan asked.

"She wouldn't let me stop them. I had to save the world, but I went to far. I lost sight of everything for the mission and now I've done such damage. I don't think she'll ever be the same," Sydney explained remorsefully.

Meaghan opened the curtain and sat down next to Sydney, gently rubbing her back.

"The important thing is she survived. She'll get through this and so will you. In time, things will get better."

"It all seems so hopeless. I'm stuck here. Everything is falling apart. Its so hopeless," Sydney cried.

"Sydney, you'll be okay. I have faith in you. You can get through this."

Sydney turned to Meaghan and hugged her tightly. She felt so alone. She just held on tight as she cried. At that moment, it felt like Meaghan was the only person she had at all.

***

Eric held Nadia tightly in his arms as she cried hard. She hadn't said anything yet, but he knew it had to be something to do with Sydney or her father.

"Shh..." Eric whispered into her ear. "Its all going to be okay. I won't let anything happen to you. I love you."

"Make this pain go away," Nadia said quietly as she sobbed.

Eric hugged Nadia tight and then gently led her over to the couch, keeping her in his arms the whole time.

"What happened? Who upset you?"

"Sydney."

"What about her? Was it Vaughn on the phone trying to convince her to see you. If it was, I will... I don't know. But he'll regret it, even if he's my best friend," Eric said with anger.

"No, it was Sydney. She called from the hospital."

"What? Oh, Nadia, I'm so sorry." Eric kissed her gently on the forehead as tears streamed down her face.

"I didn't even know what to say. I wanted to hang up but my arm wouldn't move."

"What did she say?"

"She wants to see me," Nadia replied sorrowfully.

"Maybe I can ask Jack to tell her to leave you alone. Or we can get the ward's number blocked. Either way, I won't let her hurt you again."

"I don't know what to do." Nadia's eyes looked lost.

"You don't have to do anything. I will take care of everything," Eric insisted.

"I feel like I can't just sit here anymore. I feel like I have to do something but I don't know what."

"Whatever you want to do, I'll help you," he reassured her.

"I know you will. Thank you, Eric, for being so helpful. I can't thank you enough."

"I love you. I'll do anything for you, Nadia. I don't want to see you hurt again."

Nadia looked into his eyes and saw the love in them. She wrapped her arms around him and sighed. She was so lost, but at least she had him. He was all she had left.

Chapter 48

Vaughn walked into the APO offices at 9:43am and headed straight towards Jack's office. As he walked, his head pounded. He hadn't been able to sleep well in weeks and had taken to medicating himself with alcohol. Each morning was a new hangover, but it was the same struggle - coping with Sydney's illness. Vaughn headed into Jack's office now with Sydney on his mind.

"Jack," Vaughn started.

"You're late again," Jack pointed out as he looked up from the file he was reading. His stone cold face showed traces of his annoyance.

"Sorry. Look, I just wanted an update on Sydney. I'm sure you've talked to her doctor recently," Vaughn explained.

"I have," Jack stated plainly.

"And?"

"She thinks Sydney is making progress."

"You don't seem very enthused, Jack."

"Because I've seen Sydney for myself and made my own assessment," Jack explained darkly.

"You saw Sydney? I thought she wasn't seeing visitors," Vaughn replied.

"She agreed to see me."

Vaughn paused for a moment as he wondered about himself. Why didn't she ask to see him?

"Well, was she okay?" Vaughn asked eagerly.

"She was..." Jack stopped as he tried to figure out what to say. He didn't really know how she was exactly. All he knew was that she was angry and bitter. "She is making improvements."

"Is she still seeing things? Is she still violent? I need to know, Jack."

"As far as I know, she isn't."

"Well, I want to see her."

"She doesn't want to see you."

"Did she say that?"

"No, but I know my daughter. I know they almost called security on you when you last visited her." Jack's eyes looked at Vaughn with contempt.

"Jack, that was all a misunderstanding."

"It doesn't matter. I'm not putting her at risk for any more problems by letting you see her," Jack replied.

"Its not up to you! Ask Sydney. She has a right to make that choice for herself," Vaughn said.

"You can try and see her, but you won't get any help from me. And I'm sure the hospital staff isn't going to help you either," Jack stated.

"You don't have the right to keep me from her!"

"I don't care. I will protect Sydney. If you ever hurt her, you know what I will do to you."

"She doesn't need protection from me. She loves me. She needs me in her life."

"That's opinion. Now I have work to do, so if you'll leave now," Jack said in a hard tone, his eyes threatening.

Vaughn shook his head and stormed out of the office. He felt lost for what to do. He needed to see her. She needed him. His head pounded harder as he walked towards his desk in despair.

***

Nadia walked into APO with Eric. Both their faces were solemn and exhausted.

"Are you sure you want to be here? You could have called in sick," Eric said to Nadia.

"There was no reason to," she replied.

"You're exhausted. You hardly slept last night and when you did, you had nightmares."

Nadia sighed at the reminder of her very long night. But as tired as she was, she couldn't stand staying at home. It only gave her more chances to think about everything, to think about that phone call from Sydney yesterday.

"I'll be fine, Eric," Nadia said as she gave him a light smile. Eric put his arm around her and led her towards their desks.

"Nadia," Vaughn called out from across the room.

Nadia immediately felt grim as Vaughn approached her. She knew exactly what he wanted.

"What do you need, Vaughn?" Nadia asked politely despite her annoyance.

"I need to talk to you about Syd."

"Stop! I'm not having this conversation," Nadia replied stubbornly.

"Just listen to what I have to say, please," Vaughn asked. Nadia just stared at him.

"Vaughn, this isn't a good time," Eric warned, giving him a dismissive look. It was something he had rarely done before all of this mess had happened.

"Weiss, Sydney is your friend too, or have you forgotten that now that she is mentally ill?"

"You know I haven't forgotten her as a friend, but what she did to Nadia wasn't okay. Nadia is my priority."

"And Sydney is mind! Right now, Nadia is the only chance she has at getting better."

"She has doctors and medication and Jack. She doesn't need Nadia," Eric replied.

Vaughn looked straight into Nadia's eyes. "She needs you," Vaughn said. Nadia didn't say anything. Instead, she looked away from him. "Look, she wants to apologize to you. If you see her, it will make her happy and that will make her more open to treatment and to people trying to help her."

"I'm sorry, Vaughn. I do care about Sydney, but Nadia isn't ready to see her yet," Eric said stubbornly.

"Nadia?" Vaughn prodded.

Nadia looked into Vaughn's eyes for a moment and then looked to the ground. She didn't know what to do. After a moment, Nadia suddenly felt angry. Sydney had done so much to her. None of this was fair. She wanted to love her sister again, but there was just too much anger. She looked up at Vaughn.

"No," Nadia said and turned around, walking away.

***

Sydney sat in the TV room staring at the screen. Some of the other patients were watching a soap opera. Sydney has no interest in it. Her eyes glazed over as she stared forward. Her thoughts had drifted to Nadia. She was trying to think of a plan to get a message to her. There were things she needed Nadia to know.

Getting tired of hearing the TV, Sydney got up and wandered down the hall. She realized as she passed Meaghan's room that she hadn't seen her all day, not even at breakfast. Looking in, she noticed Meaghan wasn't there.

After sweeping the ward, Sydney felt a concern over her friend. She headed towards the nurses' station.

"Where's Meaghan?" Sydney asked the nurses.

"Seclusion," they answered.

"What? Why?" Sydney asked confused.

"We really can't discuss that with you." Sydney sighed. She knew they'd never tell her because of patient confidentiality.

Sydney walked down the hall towards the lounge and sat down, looking out the window.

"Bored?" an older female patient named Annie asked her.

"I'm thinking about Meaghan. She's in seclusion."

"Its because she was cutting herself. I don't know what she used, mind you," Annie explained.

"Oh," Sydney replied as her heart ached for Meaghan.

"When the nurse tried to stop her, she threatened to slit her wrists so they put her in seclusion. Not the first time that girl has tried that. She's a very messed up little girl," the woman said.

"She's also my friend," Sydney pointed out.

"Yes, but don't think you can fix her. I've seen her type before. Those depressed ones, they are always on the verge of taking their lives. Its sad really."

"Meaghan's not like that."

"You think that all you want, but she's got a darkness inside. I wouldn't be surprised if she oft herself tomorrow."

"Shut up! You don't know anything," Sydney yelled.

"Is there a problem here?" a nurse asked, appearing out of no where.

"No," Sydney said as she glared at Annie.

"Then why don't you two go somewhere else... separately," the nurse warned.

"Fine." Sydney sighed and went back to her room.

She was worried about Meaghan. She was worried about Nadia. And she didn't know what to do. She was lost.


Chapter 49

Sydney sat in her room while Meaghan was in seclusion. She was worried about her. The thought that she had cut herself, that she had threatened to slit her wrists was distressing to Sydney.

Sydney decided to see if Meaghan was going to be out of seclusion soon so she went to the nurse’s station. She noticed Faith was just getting on for the night shift. She hadn’t seen her in awhile and it made her feel good inside to know that she would be on for the next 12 hours.

“Sydney, can I help you?” Faith asked with a smile.

“ I was just wondering how much longer Meaghan will be in seclusion,” Sydney asked.

“She should be out soon assuming she doesn’t do anything that would prompt us to keep her in seclusion longer. But she’s probably tired. I imagine she will be going to bed for the night once she comes out. Why don’t you go find something else to do instead,” Faith explained.

“I was just worried about her. I wanted to make sure she is okay.”

“That’s very kind of you Sydney. You can talk to her in the morning, alright,” Faith said.

“Okay,” Sydney said as she turned around and headed back to her room.

Suddenly, she stopped and turned back around to see Faith heading back into the nurse’s station. The seclusion room was diagonally across the hall from the nurse’s station, just enough that she could go to the door without being seen. But she would have to be quiet.

“Meaghan?” Sydney said as she opened the door to the small window.

The light in the hallway allowed Sydney to see Meaghan’s figure slumped down in the corner of the dark room.

“Meaghan?” Sydney called out again quietly.

She saw Meaghan look up. The girl smiled as she saw Sydney’s face in the window and immediately went to the door.

“Are you okay?” Sydney asked.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? I heard what happened. I was worried about you.”

“I’ll be fine. I was just upset and kinda lost my temper but its fine.”

Sydney could see the ashamed look on Meaghan’s face as she tried to pretend everything was alright. Sydney knew differently.

“If you want to talk about it, we can. I mean when you get out of seclusion,” Sydney offered.

“Thanks,” Meaghan smiled lightly overtop of her shamed look.

“What’s going on here?” a nurse asked as she emerged from the nurse’s station.

“I just wanted to see if Meaghan was alright,” Sydney confessed.

“Sydney, you know you’re not allowed to talk to patients in seclusion, now go on,” the stern nurse explained.

Sydney waved lightly to Meaghan as she left. Sometimes she really hated the nurses there. They had stupid rules that frustrated Sydney. Hopefully, she would be out of there soon, Sydney thought. She was doing her best not to fight with anyone, and she hadn’t seen Sark or any other ghosts in awhile. She was hopeful and already had a plan in mind. All she needed to do was get level three privileges, then her plan would be set in motion.

***

It had been a couple of days since that day Meaghan had been in seclusion. Sydney had been keeping a close eye on her. It pained her to see the long red cuts across her forearm. Meaghan didn’t to want to talk about it, so Sydney decided she would just stay away from the topic.

“I hate it here,” Meaghan said despondently as they sat in Sydney’s room.

“So do I. But its not forever,” Sydney said, knowing her future plans.

“It could be. This place makes me want to die. I feel dead in here!”

Meaghan was noticeably frustrated by being in the hospital. Sydney had noticed a change in her attitude since she had been in seclusion. She seemed more pessimistic and bitter about everything, like she was getting even more sick of this place.

“They can’t keep us in here forever, I’m sure of it.”

“But they can, Sydney. After a couple months in here, they can just ship you off to a mental hospital for life. This really is the rest of my life and I’m tired of it!”

“Don’t worry. I’m here for you. I won’t let them hurt you.”

Sydney was hesitant to tell Meaghan about her plan as much as she wanted to. She couldn’t risk telling anyone, even if she was thinking of taking Meaghan with her. She wasn’t sure if she could, but hearing how much Meaghan hated this place, she felt like she owed it to Meaghan to get her out of here, to save her from this place. It was obviously killing her being here.

“You’re a good friend, Sydney. I don’t know what I will do when you get out of here.”

“I told you not to worry about any of that. It will all be fine.”

“Okay.”

They smiled at each other lightly. Then Sydney sighed and looked out the window. Her thoughts may have been occupied by Meaghan the last few days, but she still thought about Nadia much of the time. Right now, the thought of her sister had flooded back into her mind.

“What are you thinking about?” Meaghan asked.

“My sister. I miss her.”

“I know you do. I wish she could see what I see in you, the goodness, the remorse for what you did. Then she would be able to see past what happened and talk to you again,” Meaghan explained.

“I need her to know some things, but I don’t know how since she won’t talk to me or listen to anyone else about me.”

“What if you wrote her a letter? You’re father could give it to her. I mean she might just tear it up, but there is a chance she would read it.”

Sydney smiled. “A letter. That is a perfect idea! Thank you”

“I just want to help you all I can.” Meaghan smiled.

“I think my father is coming this week. Maybe even tomorrow. I’m not sure,” Sydney said thinking.

“I’ll leave you to write it then.”

Meaghan and Sydney smiled at each other as Meaghan left the room. Sydney sat down at the side table with paper and a pen eager to write. As she stared at the paper though, her mind went blank

“Damn it, I don’t even know what to write,” she said to herself.

Sydney stared out the window and let the light flood into her eyes and wash over her face. She closed her eyes and pictured the last happy time she had with Nadia. They had been sitting in her house talking about Eric and how Nadia was falling for him. Sydney smiled as she thought about it. After a moment she frowned. She didn’t even know if Nadia and Eric were still together. She didn’t know anything that was going on outside of the hospital. Sydney sighed and went back to her letter. Staring at the blank sheet of paper, she just let the words come to her.

Dear Nadia,

I know you don’t want to read this letter. But I’m asking you to just give me a chance and hear what I need to say. I know you don’t owe me anything and I couldn’t blame you if you ripped up this letter right now, but please just listen.
I know I hurt you so much. Every time I close my eyes, I see you falling into the water and I just hate myself. I know that doesn’t change what I did, but honestly, it sickens me to know what I did to you. I just wish I could go back and change things but I can’t. I feel so much shame. You can’t even imagine how much shame I feel at this moment, how much I hate myself for what I did to you. I don’t expect you to forgive me ever. But I wanted you to know how sorry I am and how much I love you.
I want to explain why I did what I did even though its no excuse. I just got so caught up in The Guildiya and saving everyone. No one would help me and I went overboard and, I don’t know, I just lost sight of everything. It was stupid. But in my heart, I was trying to save everyone. I know that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make it okay and it will never take away the remorse I feel. Nonetheless, I felt I owed it to you to explain what happened.
Nadia, I’m so sorry. I know you’ll probably never forgive me, but I am so so sorry. Please know that. I hurt you so badly and I can never forgive myself for trying to kill you. Nadia, I need you to know I love you. You are my sister. I spent my entire life wanting a sister and then I got you and you were perfect. I couldn’t ask for a better sister but I went and ruined it. I’m sorry. Please please know how sorry I am. I love you. I’m sorry. I love you so much.

Sydney




Chapter 50

Sydney let her index finger graze over the edge of the white envelope as she sat on her bed. It was a plain white envelope with the name Nadia Santos written on the front. Sydney held it firmly knowing that it held deep emotions within it. She imagined it would make Nadia emotional to read it and that idea pained Sydney. But nonetheless, there were things she needed Nadia to know and hoped that perhaps this was the first step in finding peace for both of them.

Sydney took a deep sigh as she sat there. She was waiting for her father. She wasn’t really looking forward to seeing him except to give him the letter. She trusted him to take it to Nadia, knowing he wouldn’t look inside and would ensure she got it. Sydney could feel her nerves twitching inside her, both for seeing her father again and for the letter. Sydney had seen her father about a week ago and she imagined it would be just as awkward today.

“Sydney?” Jack said as he lightly knocked on the door.

“Hi,” Sydney said as she tried to steady her nervous breath. She realized at that moment how stupid it was that she was nervous at the presence of her father.

“How are you feeling?” Jack asked hesitantly, worrying that he might trigger her bitterness at being in the hospital.

“I’m fine. I’ve been fine, dad.” As far as being sick was concerned, she was positive that statement was true, though she never thought she was sick in the first place. But nonetheless, she realized she was less distraught than when she first arrived. But still, things were not well. She was in the hospital after all and things with Nadia were not going well.

“That’s good to hear. Have they been treating you alright?” Jack asked.

“I guess. I haven’t had any problems really. Still, I don’t think its necessary for me to be here.”

“Sydney-”

“I know, dad. This is the only way you could keep me out of prison. But dad, I’m not sick anymore. I take my medication and I’m as clear headed as before. I promise you, I am fine now.” She didn’t mean it. She knew she was never sick. But she had to say it to get him off her back, to appease him and the rest of them.

“I’m glad to hear that. But nonetheless, you have to stay here until the doctors assess that you are ready to leave. I imagine it will be awhile until that happens,” Jack explained.

“I don’t understand that. I mean if I am no longer sick, than why keep me here?” Sydney asked with frustration.

“They want to be sure, Sydney. You have to understand that you murdered someone, regardless of who that person was. The CIA needs assurance that you are alright.”

“And they can have assurance. Look at me. I’m okay now. I haven’t hallucinated in weeks. I haven’t been violent. I am insightful. Look at me, dad. Isn’t that all the assurance they need?”

“You know it isn’t, Sydney.”

“No one trusts me anymore. It will never be the same anymore. Have I lost my status in the CIA forever?” Sydney asked with sorrow for her old life.

“I doubt the agency will ever allow you back after this,” Jack said regretfully.

Sydney looked down at the floor as she swallowed her emotions. The idea that her old life was gone for good was something that she could never be okay with. She was Agent Sydney Bristow. The idea that she would never be that person again, the idea of that person being dead, was a harsh reality for her.

“I’m sorry, Sydney. I know it must be hard for you,” Jack said.

She wanted to scream out that he could never know how hard it was, that he would never understand what it was like to have your whole identity ripped out of your hands, but she bit her tongue. She knew remaining calm and sane was the only way she could get out of this mess.

“I just wish things could be different.”

“I know you do, Sydney. For what its worth, I will always be here for you. You won’t loose me regardless of anything else you might have lost,” Jack told her.

A tear formed in Sydney’s eyes. At that moment, she realized her father was not her enemy. He was one of the only things she had left in her life. He was the only link she had to her old life. Perhaps he would help her once she escaped. He always swore he would protect her, she thought. Nevertheless, she had to keep her mouth shut about escaping. She had to behave herself.

“Dad, there’s something I need you to do for me.”

“What’s that?”

“I wrote this letter to Nadia. Can you see that she gets it?”

Jack paused as Sydney held out the white envelope. He knew Nadia was in a lot of pain and giving her this letter would likely cause her more pain. But he had to do it for Sydney even if he knew it would probably never help. Nadia was done with Sydney. Jack doubted she would ever move on from this. He had little faith in people and this was no different.

“Okay.” Jack took the letter and put it in his inner jacket pocket. “You probably want to get some rest don’t you?” Jack asked, figuring he had outstayed his welcome.

“Dad, you don’t have to go. I mean unless you are busy,” Sydney said.

“I’m never too busy for you, Sydney.” Sydney smiled at that.

She moved over and made room for her father on the bed. He was surprised at the gesture, but he quickly took the opportunity and sat down.

“So, what do you do here during the day?”

“Honestly, nothing. There really isn’t much to do here.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack responded.

“Its not your fault. Mostly I just talk with my friend Meaghan.”

“You’ve made a friend?” Jack asked.

“Yeah. Its nice to have someone on my side here. We’ve been growing close over the last few weeks.” Sydney smiled as she thought about Meaghan.

“I’m glad for you, Sydney. You deserve to have someone in your life.”

“I do miss everyone else though. Vaughn, Weiss, Dixon, Marshall… Nadia. How are they all?”

“Everyone is fine. Things at work aren’t that much different, although we are a bit short staffed right now,” Jack explained.

“Because of me and Sloane being gone?” Jack nodded. “Are Eric and Nadia still together?”

“Yes. Nadia has moved in with him.” Sydney smiled. “Nadia found it too hard to be at your apartment.” Her smile faded into a frown. She quickly looked down. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Its okay, dad. I can handle the truth. How is Nadia?”

“She’s had a rough time of it. But Agent Weiss has been helping her through the rough times. I know you want to see her, but Sydney, I don’t think its going to happen. She’s just not in a place to see you right now. I’m sorry.”

“I know, but I need to tell her some things. I tried to phone her but she wouldn’t listen, hence the letter. I know she won’t forgive me. Its not about that. I simply need to tell her how sorry I am, I need to explain to her what happened.”

“I know you do, Sydney. I will give her the letter.”

“Thanks, dad.”

“You haven’t asked about Vaughn,” Jack noted.

“Things didn’t go well when I saw him last. I mean, I think about him all the time. But I don’t think I can forgive him yet for how things were last time we saw each other.”

“Yes, I heard what happened. He’s been asking to see you. I haven’t given him the opportunity to see you though. I figured it would be too hard,” Jack explained.

“It would be. Thanks.” Sydney smiled. Things with her father were improving. She was actually starting to feel more comfortable around him. He was her father, not her enemy. She could feel that now.

“Sydney, if you don’t want to see someone, I will make sure you don’t have to,” Jack said firmly.

“Thanks, dad.” Sydney smiled lightly at him. For the first time in a long time, she actually felt love for him instead of bitterness. She had her father back. Her eyes lit up at that thought. She had her father.



Chapter 51

Jack felt uneasy in his stomach. It wasn’t that he was nervous. He was rarely nervous. But he knew what he was about to do was going to hurt someone deeply, someone that mattered to his daughter, and to some extent him. He knew he had to give Nadia the letter though. He had to do it for Sydney. Jack watched as Nadia talked to Agent Weiss at their desks. She seemed like she was in a good mood, or at least Weiss was making her feel good. Jack got up and reluctantly approached her.

“Jack, do you need something?” Nadia asked, getting up from her desk.

“Can I see you in my office,” his face was grim.

Nadia immediately felt unsure as she followed him. As soon as they were in his office, Jack handed her the white envelope with Sydney’s letter inside it.

“What’s this?” she asked confused.

“Its from Sydney. I realize your first inclination is to get rid of it, but I don’t know what is in that letter and neither do you. It might be in your interest to read it,” Jack explained.

Nadia stared at him for a moment, and then glanced down at the letter, the words Nadia Santos written on it in Sydney’s handwriting. Just holding it, she could feel Sydney’s presence. A part of her wanted to keep feeling it. She longed for her sister, the one she had before all this. She missed that Sydney. But this wasn’t the same Sydney… was it? She thought to herself.

“Do you need anything else?” Nadia asked quickly as she tried to mute her emotions and shoved the letter in her pocket.

“No.” She nodded and left his office, her eyes dim and staring down at the floor as she walked.

“What did Jack want?” Eric asked as Nadia walked back to her desk.

“I… I really don’t want to talk about it here or now.”

“Okay. We don’t have to.” Eric immediately knew it was about Sydney. He knew better than to push the subject. He hoped she would open up about it later. He worried when she kept things bottled up inside.


**

Sydney sat in the meeting room once again waiting for her psychiatrist. She had these meetings a couple times a week. They were never something she looked forward to. They were always the same questions. Nothing ever changed.

“Hello, Sydney,” her psychiatrist greeted her.

“Hi,” Sydney said in a less than cheery demeanour.

“How have you been feeling?” Dr Bowen asked as usual.

“I’m fine. I’ve been feeling good actually.” Good was probably an overstatement. She was fine. She was bored. She was restless and wanted out of there.

“I’ve heard positive things from the nurses this past week. It seems you’ve been doing well lately.”

“I have.”

“So you agree then,” the doctor confirmed.

“Yes. Which is why I think my privileges should be increased. I don’t understand why I shouldn’t be allowed to go out and get some air, or walk around the hospital grounds. It would be nice. I like fresh air.”

“I realize that and up to this point I have been reluctant to increase your privileges. But I think we can try level III privileges for now. But if things don’t go well, your privileges can be reduced.”

“I’m not going to get worse. I can handle having more privileges,” Sydney asserted.

“Alright. I’m not going to issue any day passes yet. Let’s see how things go and then we can talk about day passes.”

“Okay,” Sydney said in an eager tone. She was finally making progress on her plans. She couldn’t carry them out right away though. It would take time to ensure things worked. She had to be very careful at this point.

“Alright then. Thanks. You may go now.”

“Thank you,” Sydney said with a smile as she left the room.

Sydney immediately went to Meaghan’s room to tell her the good news, though nothing about her plans.

“Guess what?” Sydney said cheerfully as she got to Meaghan’s door. Suddenly her smile dropped and her heart ached. “What’s wrong?” Sydney asked Meaghan as she saw the crying girl peer out the window.

Meaghan immediately wiped away her tears as she saw Sydney.

“I’m okay, really,” Meaghan assured Sydney.

“You’re not. You can tell me. Why were you crying?” Sydney sat down next to her on her bed and gently put her hand on Meaghan’s shoulder.

“Life just feels so hopeless. I will never get out of here,” Meaghan sniffled.

“That’s not true. It just seems that way.”

“I’m sorry, Sydney. I don’t want to ruin your hope. But I’ve been here longer and I know that this place is forever. If you get out of here its only because they are shipping you off to a different hospital.”

“I need to believe that there is hope Meaghan. Just hang on to that hope. I promise, things will get better in time,” Sydney rubbed her back as she smiled to her.

She knew she would have to take Meaghan with her. She couldn’t leave her closest friend in this place without hope. But she couldn’t risk telling Meaghan the truth yet. No one could know.

“I feel so alone.”

“You have me.”

Meaghan looked at Sydney and wiped away her tears and just nodded. Sydney smiled. Neither of them had to be alone now and once Sydney and her escaped, things would get better for both of them, she thought.

***

“So what does this mean?” Sydney asked bright eyed.

“I can tell you're very excited about this Sydney, but remember your privilege level can be changed back to one or two if things don't work out,” Faith warned her eager patient.

“I know, I know. I just want to know exactly what I can do now that I couldn't before,” Sydney insisted on knowing.

“Well for starters, you can get rid of those hospital pyjamas and wear your normal clothes. I don't know what you were wearing when they brought you in but perhaps your father can bring you some clothes,” the nurse explained.

“Okay, and what else?”

“You are eligible for day passes if your doctor approves them, which means you can take trips outside of the hospital.”

“Dr. Bowen mentioned it was too soon for that. But what about going outside? Can I go outside?”

“There are limited grounds privileges. We usually let patients go down to a specific area once an hour for 10 minutes in order to smoke. Seeing as you don't smoke, you can just go spend those 10 minutes getting some fresh air. But you are not supposed to leave the designated area. Its just down in the courtyard outside the doors of this wing of the hospital.”

“Do I have to go with a nurse?”

“No you don't anymore. But I strongly suggest that you don't leave the designated area. You will be found if you leave and you'll be back at level I privileges again.”
“I won't. You can trust me. I just want fresh air. What about Meaghan, can she come with me to get some fresh air?”

“Meaghan is back on level I privileges so she isn't allowed to leave the ward.”

“Oh, well how long until she is back on level III again? It would be nice to spend some time outside with her.”

“Sydney, that all depends on Meaghan, but I suggest you don't get your hopes up. It may take her awhile to gain those privileges back.”

“Oh. Okay. Thanks,” Sydney said, letting the nurse get back to her duties.

All Sydney really cared about was being able to go outside by herself. Of course, when she did carry out her plan, it would be helpful to be able to wear regular clothes. But what about Meaghan? Sydney had no idea how she was going to do this if Meaghan couldn't go outside with her. Sydney would have to think about that. It would take time to scope out the area where she was allowed outside and determine an escape route. Perhaps she could convince Meaghan to start doing really well and get her privileges back in that time. Either way, Sydney knew at this point that she couldn’t leave her closest friend behind in this place that was slowly killing her.

Chapter 52

Nadia's face was solemn as she ate her dinner. Eric glanced at her as he ate his linguini knowing that whatever happened in Jack's office today was weighing heavily on her.

“Are we gonna talk about it?” Eric gently prodded.

Nadia sighed. “I don't know. A part of me just wants to forget about it.”

“But you can't. You know whatever it is, its something that is going to continue to upset you, especially if you try and burry it,” Eric said.

“I know.” Nadia paused for a moment. “Its Sydney. Jack gave me a letter from her today.”

“Did you read it?” Eric asked, knowing this couldn't be good for Nadia.

“No. I haven't looked at it. I just shoved it in my pocket. All day I could feel it in there though. But I don't know if I can open it. I don't know if I should open it.” Nadia looked into Eric's eyes for answers.

“I can't tell you what to do. I don't know if you should open it or not. I really don't.”

“Okay,” Nadia replied quietly as she looked down at her plate.

She took a few more bites but she could barely eat it. Her throat felt like it had a large lump forming in it. Her eyes burned as tears tried to fight their way out. She didn't want to cry. She had done that enough.

“Damn it,” Nadia said under her breath as she tried to force away her emotions and failed. She took in a deep breath and held it for a moment. She knew what she had to do. “Excuse me.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Eric asked. She didn't answer him.

Nadia went into their bedroom to her coat that was draped over the chair. She pulled the white envelope out of the pocket and went and sat down on the bed. Her finger caressed the edges of the letter while she stared at it, not wanting to open it.

“You can do it,” Eric said as he appeared in the doorway.

She looked up at him with tears glossing over her eyes. Then she looked back down at the letter and began tearing it open. She pulled the letter out of the envelope and stared at it until she finally had the courage a few moments later to unfold it. There she could see Sydney's handwriting flooding over the page. She could feel her sister as she stared at it.


Dear Nadia,

I know you don’t want to read this letter. But I’m asking you to just give me a chance and hear what I need to say. I know you don’t owe me anything and I couldn’t blame you if you ripped up this letter right now, but please just listen.

As she read the words, each word, images of Sydney flowed through her mind. She imagined her locked up in a psychiatric ward, her arms bound together in a white coat as she screamed out for them to let her go. Somehow, though, the words written on the page didn't sound like they were coming from anyone like that. They sounded like they were coming from a rational well thought out person, the sort of person Sydney used to be. She could feel Sydney's sensitivity, she could tell Sydney didn't want to hurt her. But she had already done that. Nadia read on, still wary of what was to come.

I know I hurt you so much. Every time I close my eyes, I see you falling into the water and I just hate myself.

Nadia felt like she was falling into the reservoir at that moment. She could see it all so clearly. She could see Sydney's angry face staring down at her from the surface. She could feel herself drowning, struggling for air. She gasped.

I know that doesn’t change what I did, but honestly, it sickens me to know what I did to you. I just wish I could go back and change things but I can’t. I feel so much shame. You can’t even imagine how much shame I feel at this moment, how much I hate myself for what I did to you. I don’t expect you to forgive me ever. But I wanted you to know how sorry I am and how much I love you.

Tears were streaming down Nadia's face. The lump in her throat felt like it would suffocate her.

I want to explain why I did what I did even though its no excuse. I just got so caught up in The Guildiya and saving everyone. No one would help me and I went overboard and, I don’t know, I just lost sight of everything. It was stupid. But in my heart, I was trying to save everyone. I know that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make it okay and it will never take away the remorse I feel. Nonetheless, I felt I owed it to you to explain what happened.

The Guildiya. Nadia hated the sound of those words ringing through her head. It was all about The Guildiya and their plans to destroy the world. That's what Sydney tried to kill her for, The Guildiya. Were they really worth her life to Sydney? Nadia wondered as she sobbed.

Nadia, I’m so sorry. I know you’ll probably never forgive me, but I am so so sorry. Please know that. I hurt you so badly and I can never forgive myself for trying to kill you. Nadia, I need you to know I love you. You are my sister. I spent my entire life wanting a sister and then I got you and you were perfect. I couldn’t ask for a better sister but I went and ruined it. I’m sorry. Please please know how sorry I am. I love you. I’m sorry. I love you so much.

Sydney

Nadia let her finger grace over Sydney's name as her tears smeared it. She didn't know what to think. She felt like she was falling over the edge into darkness, into a strange place where nothing made sense. Sydney didn't even mention her father and how she murdered him. She didn't even care, did she? Suddenly Nadia felt rage seeping into her. After everything that had happened, she could tell Sydney didn't get it. She murdered her father and she didn't even understand what that did to Nadia. She sent Nadia flying off the edge to her death and yet she was asking for forgiveness and trying to explain how her desire to save the world made Nadia's life worthless. It made her so angry.

“Nadia?” Eric asked as he saw the rage in her eyes.

She just stared down at the letter as her face grimaced. Eric walked over to her and sat down next to her. He tried to touch her but she shook away. Suddenly she began to rip up the letter in an angry fit. She tore off each piece violently and threw it to the floor. She wished each piece were a rock so she could throw it hard but instead each piece floated down the floor like a feather. She wanted to scream. But she didn't. Instead, she let her head fall to her hands and she began to sob uncontrollably. Pain riled through her body like an earthquake.

Eric was at a loss for what to do. He had never seen her like this before. Each time he tried to touch her, she moved away. Nadia felt like she was entangled in thorns, in a mess that she could never get out of. She didn't know what to do. She felt dirty. She didn't want to be touched.

“I'm so sorry,” Eric whispered. She didn't respond. She didn't know how to respond at that moment. She just cried.

**

Eric stared at the clock. Nadia was lying on their bed as if she were in a stupor. She had cried for what felt like forever, though only 15 minutes and then she exhausted herself and lay down. It was an hour later and Eric wasn't sure what to do. He just watched her and the clock as the room lay dead silent.

Suddenly, she spoke. “I hate this,” she whispered.

“What?” Eric asked, not even hearing what she had muttered.

“I hate this,” she said louder and more bitterly.

“I'm sorry,” Eric replied.

“You aren't the one who should be sorry. You aren't the one who tried to kill me, who killed my father, who ruined my life!”

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

“I don't know.” Eric gently rubbed her back. “I need to see her.”

His eyes grew wide. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”


Chapter 53

Her stomach quivered with nerves. As she stepped off the elevator, she could see the sign reading Psychiatry pointing towards the set of double doors a few yards down the hall. There was a window in each door. She could see someone looking out the doors. A man. He looked desperate to get out. She could see someone else trying to shoo him away from the doors. A nurse, she assumed. Her stomach tossed around inside her gut. The majority of her felt like turning around right then and running back home to Eric's safe arms. But there was that tiny part of her that wouldn't let go, wouldn't let her leave, forced her forward. Why was she listening to this small part? She asked herself. Why wouldn't she just let this go, move on, forget about it.

As Nadia reached the doors, she noticed a buzzer next to them. She was about to press it when she hesitated. She looked through the windows at the man. He looked sad as the woman tried to persuade him to leave the doors. He kept pointing out the doors and pleading with her to leave. Suddenly he looked straight at her. Her heart felt like it had stopped. She had dealt with a lot of people as an agent but somehow this man scared her more than them. Nadia turned around and quickly walked back to the elevator.

She couldn't breath. Each breath was forced in as she stood waiting for the elevator doors to open. They wouldn't open. There must be something wrong with the elevator. Nadia pressed the button a few more times impatiently.

“Come on,” she muttered.

She felt like she was going to pass out as she laboured to breath. The doors opened. She rushed on. Pressed the lobby button. She took in a deep breath and sighed. She was safe. She was free. She could go back home to Eric and forget about this stupid thing. It was a stupid idea. She didn't belong here. Stupid indeed.

Nadia got back to her car and put the key in to open the door. Suddenly she could taste the saltiness of a single tear as it rolled over her life. She put her hand up to her face and felt more tears. She didn't even realize she was crying. She had been too numb, too rushed to get out of there. She hadn't been thinking since she left those double doors to Psychiatry. She wiped her face with a kleenex from her purse.

She was just about to open the car door when a sudden breeze tore the kleenex from her hand. She watched as it blew towards the hospital. All of a sudden, that was all she could see – the hospital. North 3. It was standing right before her. The patients looking out the windows on the 3rd floor. She could see them. She could see their desperation. She could feel Sydney. Images of her Sydney one of those windows desperate to escape flooded her mind. It was all she could see. Tears rushed down her face. Sydney. She needed to see Sydney.

Nadia put her keys back in her purse and went straight back to the ward she had almost entered before. She stood at the door, having wiped her face dry, and rang the buzzer.

“Can I help you?” A male nurse said as he opened the door.

“I'm here to see Sydney Bristow. I'm her sister, Nadia Santos.”

“Oh, you're Nadia? She talked about you all the time. We didn't think you would come. Well, come with me. I'm sure she will be happy to see you.”

Nadia followed him down passed the nurses' station and down a corridor. She looked into each bedroom as she walked past, curious to see what they were like and who was in them. The man stopped at a room and motioned her into it. The sunlight was flooding the room but there was no one in it.

“This is her room. I'll go find her for you.” Nadia nodded.

As she looked around the room, she could see few touches of Sydney. There were no flowers, unlike some of the other rooms. There was just a made bed and a dresser with nothing on top of it. The other rooms had some home made art taped to the walls. Her walls were empty. The room felt empty to her. Sad.

Nadia walked over to the window and looked out. She could see the entrance to the emergency from there. And a little further, she could see where she parked. As she looked up, she could see the sun shining in the sky. It invaded her eyes as she let it wash over her.

“Nadia?” she heard a voice behind her. It was a sad voice, a remorse voice, a familiar voice. She was afraid to turn around but she had to. That little part inside her forced her to.

“Sydney,” Nadia said quietly as she forced the corners of her lips to turn upward, almost nearing a smile.

“I didn't think you'd come,” Sydney said, a longing look on her face.

Nadia could see the heartache in her eyes. She could feel that they both wanted the same thing – for things to be as they were before, to have each other back. Nadia's smile faded. They couldn't have that, she reminded herself. Things weren't the same.

“I didn't think I would come either.”

“I'm glad you did.”

There was an intense pause. Nadia was looking away from Sydney while Sydney looked at the floor. Shame hung from Sydney's entire body. After a moment, she gathered herself together and reminded herself why she wanted Nadia here so badly, why she wanted to face her despite how hard it was.

“Nadia, I want to tell you how...” she choked on her words as tears began to fall. “How incredibly sorry I am. I can never express to you how sorry I am. I know I can never make it right. I know you can never forgive me. But please know that I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, Nadia.”

Nadia half chuckled giving Sydney a perplexed look.

“I don't think you even know half of what you are sorry for,” Nadia replied bitterly as she eyed her sister.

“I do. Please believe me. I am sorry. I know what I did to you. I'm sorry.” Sydney stepped close to her and put her hand gently on Nadia's arm “Nadia, I'm-”

“Don't touch me,” Nadia said as she pulled her arm back.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I'm sorry.”

“I read your letter. You know, you think you know what you should be sorry for but you don't. You don't get it at all. You murdered my father! Don't you get that. You didn't even mention him. You don't care about him or that you left me without him. You are glad you killed him. You got your revenge and it didn't matter what it cost me!”

“That is not true. Please believe me when I tell you that I am sorry. Nadia, I never wanted to hurt you.”

“But you did! You tried to kill me and you tried to rationalize it with The Guildiya and how you wanted to save the world. I am so sick of hearing about The Guildiya. They were worth my life to you!”

“No, that's not it at all,” Sydney tried to tell her.

“Oh, but it is. Do you realize that every time I close my eyes, I see you. I see you as I am falling backwards into the reservoir. I see you walking away as I drown. That's what I see and you're trying to tell me you are sorry.”

“Please, Nadia,”

“No. You don't get to beg me. You don't get to be the one everyone feels sorry for. You don't get to make this about you because it is not about you. It is about what you did to me! You ruined my life.”

“I know.”

“No you don't know. You don't get it at all. You don't know what its like at all.”<br /
 
i`ve been away from this board for a long time. i didn`t feel like reading alias storys anymore. but now you got me again! THANK you. for all the pm.
so i`m back. i love nadja in your story. the way she acts is so understandebal (the word is wrong i know but you know what i want to say :smiley: )
love it
suzy
 
It's nice to see that Nadia is "growing up".
To Sydney: You have to help Megan escape, sth just dosen't feel right about her and the all hospital thing. She's kind of strange... but at the same time interesting. Maybe she truely has her darker story to tell...

Thanks for update! (y)
 
Thanks :smiley:

Chapter 54

“You should lie down,” Eric insisted as he gently put his hand on her shoulder as he stood there in the ER next to Nadia. A nurse had called him about an hour ago and he immediately rushed to the hospital in a panic.

“I’m fine,” Nadia replied stubbornly.

“You fell down the stairs. You’re not fine.”

Nadia sighed. She knew it wasn’t worth arguing with him. She would just sit there on the hospital bed in the embarrassing gown that made her feel naked. She didn’t want to lie down. She wanted to go home. But she couldn’t argue, not with him. He was too important, too sweet, she loved him too much and she needed him.

“Does your arm hurt much? I can go ask the nurse to give you some more pain killers if it does.”

“No. Its fine.”

It was a lie. Her arm throbbed even with the pain killers they had given her. She looked down at the white cast that covered her wrist and lower arm. It was only a reminder of the whole incident. She needed out of this place. Too, she could still feel Sydney’s presence, knowing she was only a few floors up and a wing over.

“What about your head? You must have hit it pretty hard. I looks painful,” Eric observed.

Nadia couldn’t help but feel annoyed at his constant questions about her well-being. But she didn’t have the heart to get mad. And her head did hurt. There was a red bump on the top left of her forehead where the hairline was. When she toppled down the stairs, she tried to break her fall with her arm, but she ended up breaking it and then falling straight onto her head. She had lost consciousness for a few minutes. But she knew she was fine. It was just a bump on the head. It hurt, but she’d had worse. She’d been shot. She’d survived that. This was nothing. She was fine.

Eric looked at her head more closely as she held still for him. Just then, the doctor came through the curtain in the ER and smiled at Nadia.

“Good news, your CT scan came back negative for any abnormalities. But you said you’d lost consciousness for a few minutes so I’d like to keep you here a little while longer just to be safe,” the man said.

“That’s not necessary. I’m fine really. Please, I just want to go home,” Nadia insisted.

“Nadia, if he says you need to stay, you need to stay,” Eric told her.

“Ms. Santos, its important you stay. You may feel fine but you still have a concussion and things that might not show up on a CT can show up later,” the doctor stated.

“Fine.” Nadia looked passed him to the opening in the curtain. She could see the busy ER and all the patients hurt and dying and suffering. It wasn’t a place she wanted to be in any longer.

“Do you have any questions?” Nadia shook her head. “I’ll come check on you later. If you need anything, just ask the nurse.” The doctor walked out.

“It won’t be that bad. I already asked Jack to let me have a couple days off. I’ll be here with you the whole time,” Eric tried to persuade her.

“Thanks,” Nadia smiled lightly.

***

“Sydney, do you want to talk to me?” Faith asked as she looked at the girl hugging herself as she sat on the floor. “Sydney?”

Sydney was silent. She had been that way since Nadia left 10 minutes ago. She hadn’t even moved. It was as if she were in a state of shock.

“Sydney, I want you to say something, okay?” Faith said.

She didn’t say anything. At that moment, she didn’t know how to. She was trapped inside her head as it screamed. She was frozen in those last moments she had with Nadia. All she could hear was how she wasn’t her sister, how she was a monster. Nadia kept screaming that in her head and Sydney screamed back. Her head was loud inside and on the outside, she was just numb. She wasn’t there.

“Sydney, why don’t you get off the floor and come and sit on the bed,” she said as she gently pulled on Sydney’s arm. Sydney followed her instructions, but she was like a robot. Her eyes stared forward as if she wasn’t even there. Nothing was inside.

“Sydney, I am going to get someone to come and sit with you until you want to talk, okay?” Faith said, knowing she shouldn’t be alone right now. She worried Sydney might try and harm herself. At that moment, Sydney was too frozen to hurt herself though. She felt too far gone to do anything.

***

Eric had gone to the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee while Nadia sat in a bed in the ER. The curtain was closed so she could ignore everything that was going on. But it was still hard. It was a noisy place. In fact, she could hear someone screaming loudly. She couldn’t understand what the person was saying. It was incoherent. But the yelling wouldn’t stop. Curious, Nadia got up and peered through the curtain. Across the from her was a woman restrained to her bed. She looked like she was psychotic, or at least disoriented. Her face was red from crying. She was obviously agitated. Nadia could only make out stray words and sentences.

“Evil…The devil will devour us…Save us from the devil… He’s hear watching you…”

Suddenly Nadia realized the woman was looking straight at her. She had creepy eyes that never broke from her stare. There were dark circles around her eyes and bruises and cuts on her face. Her hair was scraggly. She would easily frighten anyone. She just kept struggling to get out of the restraints as she eyed Nadia. Suddenly, she began to speak to her in a loud trembling voice. It quivered along with her pointing finger.

“You… the devil wants you! You, his servant… Evil! Evil!..” The woman screamed at Nadia as she struggled against the restraints. “Evil must perish! … perish! Everyone will perish!…”

Nadia felt shaky as this woman screamed at her. She felt like she was back on that psychiatric ward. She was trapped there and no one would let here leave. This woman wanted her dead. This woman would kill her, just like Sydney tried to. Nadia’s heart began to pound. She felt flush and sweaty. She couldn’t breath again. She struggled for air as she quickly pulled the curtain closed and turned around. She took laboured breathes over and over until she could finally get the air back in, until she was finally calm enough to think. She needed to get out of there. She wasn’t trapped even if she felt like she was. No, she wasn’t trapped. She didn’t need to stay here. Nadia quickly grabbed a bag of her clothes out of the bedside table and began to get dressed.

“What are you doing?” Eric asked as he stood there with a coffee in his hand.

“Leaving,” she said poignantly.

“What? No, you can’t.”

“I can. You can’t keep me here. I can leave against medical advice. I will be fine.”

“You told the doctor you would stay. What changed your mind?”

“Her!” Nadia said pointing to the woman who continued to scream.

Eric sighed knowing it reminded her of Sydney. He hadn’t seen Sydney but imagined she could be just like that. He worried that was what Nadia saw when she went to see her.

“Its okay, Nadia. Its not her. Its not Sydney. She is locked up and she can’t get to you. You never need to see her again.”

“As long as I am here, she is with me and I don’t want that. I need to get as far away from this place as I can!” Nadia’s voice rose as she started to quiver.

“Okay, okay. Just don’t get worked up,” Eric said, noticing how shaky she was becoming. “We can go somewhere else. But you need to be in a hospital.”

“I’m going home!” Nadia said as she finished getting dressed. She grabbed her purse and started walking through the door.

“Nadia, please.” She kept walking.

“You need to talk to the doctor first,” Eric insisted. She kept walking, going straight to through the ER doors and towards her car.

“Wait, you can’t drive like this, Nadia. At least let me drive you.” She stopped and sighed. It was true.

“Fine, but you have to promise me you will take me home.”

“I will.” He didn’t see any other choice. He couldn’t force her.

“Let’s go.” They both got in the car and drove off, a sombre written on both their faces.
 
Great update!

Felt totally like an Alias episode.

Still I didn't totally undersand what happened: did Nadia fell when runnig away from Sydney's room?... :blush:

Seems like Nadia is evil...
 
Great update!

Felt totally like an Alias episode.

Still I didn't totally undersand what happened: did Nadia fell when runnig away from Sydney's room?... :blush:

Seems like Nadia is evil...

reread the end of 53. Nadia fell down the stairs when she was running away from Sydney's room.
 
Chapter 55

“Do you want some ice for your head?” Eric asked as he looked closely at the bump. “Its still pretty swollen looking.”

“Sure,” Nadia replied absently.

She was sitting in the kitchen sipping her chamomile tea. It was soothing as she drank it down. It felt warm against the numbness she felt in her body. Each sip awoke her throat and spread out over her chest. Even the smell was soothing as the steam seeped into her nose. She sighed. She was exhausted but the tea did help. Suddenly she could feel Eric staring at her. The soothing feeling of the tea instantly went away. As much as she loved him, as much as she knew he loved and cared for her, his stare hurt her. It wasn’t because of him, it was because of what it meant. It was the concern, the thoughts of Sydney, the fear for her health, all of that was written in his stare and it reminded her of the dire situation.

“Eric, I think I want to lie down.”

“Is it your headache? I could get you some aspirin.”

“No. I mean yes it hurts but I’m really just exhausted. I just want to sleep.”

“Sure. I’ll come check on you in awhile.” She nodded.

Eric’s cell phone rang. The call display said it was Vaughn. He answered it.

“Hey,” Eric said.

“Hey, I heard about Nadia, is she okay?” Vaughn asked with genuine concern.

“I don’t know. She hit her head and her arm is broken. She’s in pain. She left before the doctor could prescribe any pain killers and I know what they gave her in the ER is wearing off.”

“She’s strong. She’ll pull through this,” Vaughn replied.

“I know she’ll get through the physical part. It’s the emotion part I’m worried about. She saw Sydney and I know it was hard on her. Too hard. I don’t know if she can get through it.”

“You’ve got to have faith in her. If she sees that you think she can’t get through this, she won’t. I’ve gone through this with Sydney before with her mother. I worried about her, but then I realized how strong she was and I knew having faith in her would help her through it.”

“This is different. Sydney hated her mother, Nadia loved Sydney,” Eric replied with frustration. He knew Vaughn didn’t understand the situation. No one did. No one understood exactly what Sydney had done to Nadia.

“Sydney didn’t hate her mother, she only hated what she had become. She was conflicted over it just like Nadia is,” Vaughn replied.

“Look, I know you’re just trying to help but things are hard right now. You pushed her to see Sydney and it went badly. And now she is falling apart inside.”

“You’re blaming this on me? I was just trying to get them talking. They are sisters and they care about each other. They need to get through this together.”

“I know you care about Sydney but you don’t seem to understand what Sydney did to her. She’s hardly her sister anymore. From what I hear, she is hardly Sydney anymore.”

“She is Sydney, and she will get better. She’s strong. She’s sick, but she will get better. I know she will.”

“Vaughn, you’re being blinded by your love for her!” Eric shouted quietly as to not wake Nadia.

“If you don’t want my help, that’s fine. I’ll see you at work.” Vaughn hung up the phone, immediately sulking with rage after.

Eric slammed his cell phone down on the counter. He sat down on the stool and put his face in his hands. He felt so lost as to what to do. He just wanted to save the woman he loved but he didn’t know how.

***

Sydney had finally gotten off the floor and moved to her bed. She had been laying in it for a few hours now as a male care aid sat on the chair reading a magazine. She didn’t even care that he was there. At that moment, nothing seemed to matter. She was still numb. Tears weren’t even falling despite the harsh emotions that brewed inside her. She could hear the words Nadia said repeating over and over in her head. They only made her more numb.

“Sydney?” a quiet voice said coming from the door to her room.

Recognizing it, Sydney slowly turned her head to the door. She gave a pained look towards Meaghan as her friend stood there, concern written all over her face.

“Are you alright?” Meaghan asked.

Sydney pulled herself up off the bed and stood in front of Meaghan. She felt like every muscle in her body wanted to collapse.

“Things are bad,” Sydney said in a dead tone.

“What happened?” Meaghan asked.

“My sister.” Sydney looked down at the floor.

“She was here?”

Sydney didn’t answer. Instead she went and sat back down on her bed. She felt like her body couldn’t stand up any longer.

“I’m sorry,” Meaghan said.

She walked into the room hesitantly and looked at Sydney for a few moments and then sat down next to her. She didn’t really know how to comfort her so she just sat there until finally she got up the courage to put her hand on Sydney’s shoulder.

“It will be okay,” Meaghan said quietly.

Sydney just stared forward. Meanwhile the care aid eyed them from over his magazine. Meaghan avoided his look uncomfortably. Sydney didn’t even notice him. Her mind was cloudy and she couldn’t think. Everything was becoming a blur.

“I don’t think it will be,” Sydney replied to Meaghan after a few minutes.

“What?”

“It won’t be okay.”

“You’re the strongest person I know. Whatever happened between you two, I know you will get through it.”

“Thanks,” Sydney replied not believing a word of what Meaghan just said. She wasn’t strong. She was a shell of the person she used to be. She had become a worthless person who wasn’t even a member of society anymore. She was simply a patient locked up in the hospital away from the world.

Meaghan looked regretfully at Sydney. She had no more words. Only deep sympathy for the person she had come to rely on. It was a hard reality watching the person she looked up to fall apart. If Sydney couldn’t get through it, how could she? Meaghan thought.

“I want to be alone for awhile,” Sydney told Meaghan. The girl looked at her for a moment with concern and then got up and left leaving Sydney alone to fall deeply into her own world of pain and loss.
 
reread the end of 53. Nadia fell down the stairs when she was running away from Sydney's room.


Thanks!

About chpt. 55


Nadia needs to think about other people too. And Weiss... Nadia can't always be in the centre of the world. The two need to grow up!!!

Sydney has to escape from that institution, and even leave her friends who don't believe her. In my opinion a nice vocation by the sea (with Vaughn...) would be more effective than being in that hospital.
 
Chapter 56

Sydney lay face up on her bed feeling the seconds pass in slow motion. She didn’t know the time. She had no means to know the time. But she felt the time. She knew it was slow going, that each minute was taking forever to pass. The moon cast a glowing line down the room as it shone through the slit in the curtains. Sydney stared at it. Her mind imagined the line as a barricade keeping her confined to her bed. She didn’t want to step on it, she didn’t want to break it. It was alluring to her. Such things had become alluring. She didn’t know why. It was the boredom perhaps. Her mind needed something to occupy it. There was little to occupy it at this hour.

She wished she were asleep. But she couldn’t sleep, not after the day she had. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Nadia broken in her mind. Every blink meant another second of having to see her image. Sydney tried to keep the intervals of blinking far apart. She was concentrating on it hard as she stared at the line of light on the floor. She just blinked. An image of Nadia broke in. Her heart broke. She had to stop blinking.

Her eyes started to water as she strained to keep her eyes open. Her eye muscles started to ache. She needed to close her eyes but she could not blink. She could not take another moment of seeing Nadia torn apart. She could not take seeing Nadia standing in from of her with tears in her eyes. She couldn’t stand watching her mouth utter those words.

You’re not my sister.

You’re not my sister!

She could hear her screaming it louder and louder in her head. She could see the words flowing out of Nadia’s mouth every time she blinked.

“Stop blinking!” she whispered to herself.

Sydney suddenly felt shivers over her body. She pulled the covers up to her neck and bundled under them. Her eyes continued to water and ache as she strained to keep them open.

Shh…

She jerked in bed. What was there? Her heart pounded. She looked around but saw nothing. Her room was black with night except for the moonlight line barricading her in her bed.

Shh…

She felt her heart stop for a moment. Her chest ached as it started beating louder and louder. It panged inside of her chest. Was it a who or a what? She wondered.

Shh…

It was a who she decided. It must be a person. Someone was there.

Shhh…

Her heart was nearly bounding out of her chest. She began to fear whoever was there would hear her heart beating, would know she was there. She pulled the covers over her head.

A moment passed.

Nothing.

The sound was gone. She began to breath again. Her heart was still racing loudly. She swallowed hard and shut her eyes forgetting all about what she would see if she did. Nadia. She was standing there in front of her crying. You’re not my sister. You’re not my sister! Sydney opened her eyes.

She didn’t want to cry but everything about this made her want to cry. Her eyes burned as she stared forward with them tensed open. All she could see was the blanket over her head. She pulled it back down and looked around the room. There was no one there. Her mind was playing tricks on her, she thought.

The line began to move. It began to sway forwards and backwards. It was dancing across the room. Sydney watched it with horror. Sark was doing it. He was playing tricks on her. It was the only explanation. He was back.

Sydney shuddered. She could feel him in the room. He was breathing on her. His breath was cold as it graced her cheek. Her breath became unsteady. She felt like she was suffocating.

“I know its you,” she whispered.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t show himself. But she knew it was him. It had to be. She wasn’t crazy, she was being haunted.

“Sark?” she spoke quietly. “Leave me alone.”

Shhh….

“Go away!” She yelled out in a panic.

Shhh…

“Stop it!” She screamed.

She began to shake. She tried not to but she couldn’t help it. She was terrified. She was cold. She could still feel his breath on her. She could feel it against the cold beads of sweat forming on her forehead. She pulled the blankets back over her head.

“Sydney.”

“Go away!”

“Sydney?”

The voice was louder. It was female. She recognized it. She pulled the blanket down.

“We’re you having a nightmare?” Meaghan asked.

“What?” Sydney whispered breathlessly.

“I heard you yelling in your sleep as I was walking back from the bathroom.”

“Oh.”

“Was it a bad nightmare?” Meaghan asked.

“Yes.” Sydney nodded uncomfortably.

“I’m sorry. I get bad nightmares too,” Meaghan told her with a sympathetic look.

“Did the nurses hear me yelling?” Sydney asked nervously.

“I don’t think so. They would be here if they heard you.”

“Okay, good.” Sydney sighed with relief. She looked around the room. She was afraid to be alone in it.

“The nurses are doing checks soon, I better get back to bed,” Meaghan said regretfully.

“Oh.” She was going to be alone again.

“I’m sorry but I can hear them coming. I’ve got to go.”

“Okay.” Sydney swallowed hard as she left and shut the door behind her. She was alone again.

Sydney sat there staring at the wall. She was afraid to move. She was afraid to lie down. She felt frozen. Suddenly the door opened.

“Sydney?” the nurse said as she noticed she was still awake.

“I can’t sleep,” Sydney said.

“Do you want me to get you something to help you sleep?” the nurse asked her empathetically.

“Yes please.” The nurse nodded. The door shut again. She could feel a twinge inside her as the darkness flooded the room. She noticed the light had moved. The moon had changed position. Time was passing at least.

“Here you go Sydney,” The nurse said as she stepped back into the room. She held out a paper cup with a little blue oval shaped pill in it. They were the ones that tasted bad. She took it anyways.

“Thanks.”

“Let me know if you can’t sleep from now on. You don’t have to just sit here in the dark.” The nurse told her.

Sydney nodded and she left. The room was dark once again. She lay back down and pulled the covers over her head. Suddenly she realized Sydney Bristow would never hide under the blankets. Sydney pulled the blanket off her face. As she looked around the room, she realized Sydney Bristow didn’t exist anymore. She lay there and stared at the ceiling until she finally fell asleep.
 
Back
Top