Part 24
The week goes by much faster than expected and in no matter of time it’s again time for Sydney and Susan to travel back home. We barely got used to having each other again and then we need to let go. Sunday we all walked around the city center where I showed Sydney a great part of the Paris sightings. It was a sunny day and we finished it off with a cup of coffee and a cup of hot chocolate for the children on the terrace of a café and French pancake.
Monday was a normal school day for Laura and much to her protests, she still needed to go whether she liked it or not. Of course Sydney was all game to bring her to school with me. I called at the office for another couple of days off, informing them that in any case of emergency I’d be available through my cell phone. In the afternoon Laura stormed right up into our awaiting arms.
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were similar to Monday, since every day life put a stone into our path. There was only time for Sydney, Susan and me to really connect.
On Friday I agreed with Laura’s teacher for her not to attend school that day. In kindergarten that lack isn’t that bad compared to elementary grade. We spend the time one more time together and went to an indoor pool. At night, the girls literally fell into bed and now Sydney and I were lying in front of the TV zapping through various channels in order to spot something decent.
Ten minutes later we decide to go for a DVD instead, that way Sydney will also be able to follow the movie and its storyline, instead of only watching the images. Step mom is our next best choice. I’ve always been fond of Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts as actresses, so when I found out, they were both in the movie, I couldn’t resist buying it, astonishing Sydney with my wide range of DVDs.
With Sydney’s head resting in my lap we are already half-way through the movie as she heads for the bathroom. Upon her return she lets out a loud and long sigh that makes me wonder what’s going on in her mind so I ask her.
She replies gazing down at her fidgeting fingers “We’ve never been together”. And by together I know that she means in a physical way, which is true. Why does she come up with that subject now, on her last night? “I don’t know. I was just…wondering… I mean… I … we never talked about it” she admits with a soft blush colour on the cheekbones.
“Do you want to be… together?” I ask using air quotes, at which she has to smile, knowing that I’m making fun of her cuteness.
“Michael, I’m being serious”
“I am!” I defend myself, a brief moment of silence growing over us “Do you want to?” I dare asking tentatively. Whenever I showed any sort of affection or what so ever to get closer to her, she pushed me away. Not in a mean way, but enough for me to understand that she wasn’t ready for the next step of our relationship, so I just let it rest without insisting. Now she seems having her doubts.
A shrug of her shoulders however negates my thoughts, but I also notice a certain kind of hesitation in her movements.
“I… You won’t understand” she starts, and then shakes her head in the negative, turning her head the other direction.
“I won’t if you don’t explain, but I’d love to know what is troubling you. If you don’t want to that’s ok, we can wait. You’re leaving tomorrow anyway…”
“I don’t want to leave you Michael. I don’t know what I want… I mean, you… us to be a family! That’s all! That’s all I know… I’ve always been with Danny, since we were seventeen. I was nineteen when I was pregnant with Adam and then two years later with Zach. And then…. I… I lost my baby… I thought nothing was ever going to be the same. But eventually we worked things around and knew how to love each other again.”
I’m taken off guard by Sydney’s words not knowing anything about the baby she has once lost. Instead of interfering in her words I show her as much assurance as possible by holding her in my arms while silent tears are slowly streaming down her face.
“When I learnt about the fourth pregnancy I was so scared. I was so scared to loose the baby again, but I didn’t and although we knew we had to start all over again, nothing mattered. You should have seen Danny’s eyes when he heard I was expecting a girl. He was all over her… he loved her so much and she wasn’t even born yet. He simply couldn’t wait to hold his baby girl in his arms. He though never got to hold her… I don’t know, I feel like cheating on him. I don’t want him to hate me for moving on without him. I…. I…. I love you that’s all I know”
What I see in front of me, is a heart-broken woman that has never had the chance to say properly goodbye to her husband. A woman that has once loved a man and always will, whose husband has been torn away in the worst way imaginable.
“He won’t hate you Sydney. How do you want him to hate you? I mean, you have the right to be happy. It’s not your fault Danny was taken away from you and the children.” I try to comfort her as much as possible by choosing the right words to speak.
“I know… it just feels that way. I feel terrible for moving on. Plus I don’t know how to.”
“Hey…” I say tilting her chin, “As said, we don’t need to. I’m fine with it. I just want you to feel happy and comfortable with the thought of us consuming our love. You’re not ready and I can see that in your eyes. As much as I’m ready for the next step in our relationship I’m fine with waiting.”
“Really?”
I nod my head with a smile on my face “Hm… And about me being the second” I whisper into her ear, raising goose bumps all over her body “I feel very much honoured”. Her eyes are gazing straight into my eyes when I speak those words and I can’t resist kissing her. I feel the smooth skin of her lips against mine, unable to let go of the other one and only searching for more. She’s the one initiating to deepen the kiss for several minutes before we need to break apart.
“Thanks” she swallows, resting her forehead against my chest while I rub my hands up and down her arms.
“I’m sorry about the baby” I add cupping her cheek, a few sniffles and sobs still coming from her.
“I…I never told anybody, except you.”
I nod my head, remembering that fact for future reference. “You ok to get some sleep?”
She agrees to settle into bed, both of us laying arm in arm and both wanting for that last night together to last forever. But we both know that it will eventually come to an end.
End Part 24