Title: Stranger to Myself
Author: Suzi aka hotpot
Continuation: Ah, first the prequel, I Know followed by Say Goodbye, Hard Luck, Saint and Sinner and lastly, Slip Away. Um, you might want to read those first if you are new to this series, it probably won’t take long and this piece will make a lot more sense to you ^_^
Rating: PG – damn, couldn’t end it with any smut.
Ship: Is there more than one?
Disclaimer: Yada, yada – no characters are mine and the song is “The Child is Gone” by Fiona Apple.
Summary: Sydney looks for closure on her old life and finds the answers to questions that have been plaguing her.
A/N: I do believe this is probably the final installment of my Sarkney songfic series. I might try another one sometime soon seeing how I have a new fascination with Fiona Apple lyrics. Hope you have enjoyed this series as much as I have enjoyed writing it. This final piece had been mulling around for awhile and today, out of nowhere, it came together. Thank you for continuing to read and for all your excellent feedback. :flowers:
Darling, give me your absence tonight
Take the shade from the canvas and leave me the white
Let me sink in the silence that echoes inside
And don't bother leaving the light on
The nightmares started a few weeks after Vaughn’s death.
In the dreams, she was her mother preparing to rip her own heart out due to the intense pain that coursed through her with every beat it took.
In the beginning, she always awoke right as she would take a sharp blade, pierce it into her own chest and begin to remove the vessel that beat within, but soon after she dreamt of what occurred when it was removed and she held it in her hands.
The heart was blackened but beating in an alluring cadence that seemed to quell the absence of her heart. As Irina, Sydney saw herself as a little girl appear in the dreams, she would offer the heart to her daughter but Sydney would look upon it and cry for her father, leaving her mother and fleeing to the safety of Jack.
Even as her mother, in her unconscious state, she felt the sorrow and pain that griped her every time she saw Sydney turn away from her, refusing what she would give to her and the one thing she would give up for her daughter.
It would never be enough.
Sark had expressed his concern when she uttered Vaughn’s name in her sleep. She did not recall dreaming of Vaughn, she thought she only dreamt of her mother and her dark heart, but Sark was certain of what he heard.
He wanted Sydney to talk to him, but it was impossible since she did not remember even dreaming of Vaughn. Sark gently suggested seeing a doctor to help her sleep.
That is when the nightmares stopped and the insomnia began.
In the stillness of the night, she laid awake in the bed she shared with Sark, hoping for sleep and knowing it would never come.
As she looked over to him, sleeping peacefully beside her, she wondered what his dreams were like. She was envious of the fact, despite everything wicked he had done in his life, he still slept serenely.
She tried to push away the resentment, but in the wee hours of the morning, when all she had was herself, it was the one thing she could comprehend.
Something was not right, she was not herself anymore but she did not know how to return to the way she was before.
Cause I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul comes a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand o'er a strange inversion --
A vacancy that just did not belong
The child is gone
It happened in an instant, the moment fleeting before she even knew it had occurred, elusive sleep coming to her at last. She stirred in their bed, waking to find herself alone, and tried in vain to recall any dreams she might have had.
Nothing.
Days would pass without sleep, without feeling, without anything – until one evening, he was sitting at the small counter of their flat reading the paper and she was coring an apple before preparing to slice it in halves.
“I want to go to Los Angeles,” she said.
He looked up from the paper. “Why is that?”
“Closure.”
Sark did not reply right away, but eventually nodded his head and went back to reading the paper.
Two days later, they were in Los Angeles driving past Sydney and Vaughn’s old apartment.
A small family lived there now, evident from the toys littering the back patio, but there was more that she needed to witness.
All the things Sark had been able to teach her in a life with him, closure was the one thing she had the hardest time learning.
He pulled the Range Rover along the winding road leading back to Vaughn’s marker.
It was a large cemetery, it would be difficult to locate him if she didn’t know any better, Sydney only guessed where Vaughn would be buried and she was correct.
Sark waited in the SUV, watching her from a safe distance, as she walked towards the Vaughn family plot.
There were three markers; one was shared by Vaughn’s grandparents, Vaughn’s father and Vaughn’s own stone.
She expected a small cry to escape her lips at the sight of the marble finality spelling out his name, but it was not the stone itself that caused her to cry out, but the common bond shared by the three Vaughn men.
Written above each of their names was the following line: Beloved Husband and Father.
Michael had a child.
Honey, help me out of this mess
I'm a stranger to myself
But don't reach for me -- I'm too far away
I don't wanna talk cause there's nothing left to say
Sydney fell to her knees and brought a hand to her mouth.
Small tears began to settle in her eyes and she tried desperately to blink them back.
It had to be a mistake, she thought. While her mind tried to deny what she was seeing, her heart felt it’s true meaning at once.
Vaughn, at one time, had been who she considered to be her soulmate. Cruel circumstances had connected them, her mother killed his father, but something between them felt much stronger than that.
When he had proposed to her, he said it was love, in it purest and simplest form, from the moment he saw her. An instinct he had said.
He showed her his father’s watch, the one you could set your heart to, and told her it stopped the day they met. Only now, did she truly understand why.
When they were together, with nothing but the promise of the future before them, it had felt all wrong to Sydney.
They were irrevocably connected, but not for the reasons they naively believed.
Sydney understood why she dreamt of her mother. She had become her, Irina had taken Vaughn’s father and Sydney had killed Vaughn, taking him from his child.
She knew why she only dreamt of herself as a child, when she was a child, she would never take what Irina had to offer.
No, it was wrong but now, as an adult, she had accepted everything that a dark heart had to give.
The only thing causing her grief was the child inside, holding her back and trying to go back in time, to make Sydney see the world clearly in black and white again.
Moments passed, Sydney continued to stare blankly at the stone before she heard soft footsteps coming towards her in the grass.
She turned her head, expecting to see Sark, but her eyes covered by her dark sunglasses fell upon her father standing there in disbelief at the sight of her before him.
So my darling, give me your absence tonight
Take all of your sympathy and leave it outside
Cause there's no kind of loving that can make this alright
I'm trying to find a place I belong
Sydney stood up slowly, running a hand through her hair, and looked at her father for the first time in almost three years. He had not changed at all.
“Sydney, I didn’t know if you would truly be here or not.”
She wondered how he knew she was going to be there until it dawned on her. Sark must have contacted him.
“I had to come and see it with my own eyes,” she replied.
Her father, for once in his life, appeared to be struggling for the right words to say.
“Anna Vaughn lived,” he said, quietly, before continuing, “I thought you might want to know.”
Sydney lowered her head, not responding.
Jack stepped towards her then, reaching for her arm. Sydney’s immediate reaction was to act defensively and she took a step back, away from her father, noting the pain evident in his eyes.
“Sydney, I can help you.”
It became clear to her now why Sark had called her father. He was giving her a chance for complete closure on her old life or an opening for a way out of her life with him.
She crossed her arms across her chest. “I don’t need your help.”
“Please, Sydney. I don’t know why you have done the things that you have done,” he stopped before finishing. Then, continued, “but we can figure something out. Let me help you, please.”
She reached up pulling the sunglasses from off her face and looked her father directly in the eyes as she spoke. “Why I have done the things that I have done?” she asked, incredulously.
“Do you realize, if I hadn’t done this,” she waved her hand back, gesturing to the grave at her feet, “Vaughn would have killed me instead?”
He stared at her, no longer able to recognize the woman standing before him.
“The only thing I regret is that it had to come this far for me to learn who I truly am.”
She started to move past him, but he reached out, grabbing her arm. “Sydney, I can’t let you do this to yourself.”
She glanced at his hand before coldly looking her father in the eyes. He had kept saying her name, trying to make her remember who she once was, it was no use.
“It’s already done.”
Jack let his hand fall as he watched her walk towards the black SUV and out of his life forever.
And I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul comes a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand o'er a strange inversion
As the darkness turns into the dawn
They boarded a plane back to London that night.
Sark asked no question and Sydney offered no answers.
It was blatant by his actions in their trip that he would do anything for her, including sacrifice his own happiness with her, just as long as she was happy and well.
Finally, she was able to show him that no matter what consequences her life with him would ensue; she would never leave him to have her old life back or doubt the choices that had led her to him.
As far as she was concerned, there was only one life that she had ever been living and that was the one she lived when he was by her side.
After that trip to Los Angeles, there was no more talk of the past between Sark and Sydney.
It was something she was finally able to learn and appreciate from him, in their life, the past is all that you can leave behind.
The child is gone
Author: Suzi aka hotpot
Continuation: Ah, first the prequel, I Know followed by Say Goodbye, Hard Luck, Saint and Sinner and lastly, Slip Away. Um, you might want to read those first if you are new to this series, it probably won’t take long and this piece will make a lot more sense to you ^_^
Rating: PG – damn, couldn’t end it with any smut.
Ship: Is there more than one?
Disclaimer: Yada, yada – no characters are mine and the song is “The Child is Gone” by Fiona Apple.
Summary: Sydney looks for closure on her old life and finds the answers to questions that have been plaguing her.
A/N: I do believe this is probably the final installment of my Sarkney songfic series. I might try another one sometime soon seeing how I have a new fascination with Fiona Apple lyrics. Hope you have enjoyed this series as much as I have enjoyed writing it. This final piece had been mulling around for awhile and today, out of nowhere, it came together. Thank you for continuing to read and for all your excellent feedback. :flowers:
Darling, give me your absence tonight
Take the shade from the canvas and leave me the white
Let me sink in the silence that echoes inside
And don't bother leaving the light on
The nightmares started a few weeks after Vaughn’s death.
In the dreams, she was her mother preparing to rip her own heart out due to the intense pain that coursed through her with every beat it took.
In the beginning, she always awoke right as she would take a sharp blade, pierce it into her own chest and begin to remove the vessel that beat within, but soon after she dreamt of what occurred when it was removed and she held it in her hands.
The heart was blackened but beating in an alluring cadence that seemed to quell the absence of her heart. As Irina, Sydney saw herself as a little girl appear in the dreams, she would offer the heart to her daughter but Sydney would look upon it and cry for her father, leaving her mother and fleeing to the safety of Jack.
Even as her mother, in her unconscious state, she felt the sorrow and pain that griped her every time she saw Sydney turn away from her, refusing what she would give to her and the one thing she would give up for her daughter.
It would never be enough.
Sark had expressed his concern when she uttered Vaughn’s name in her sleep. She did not recall dreaming of Vaughn, she thought she only dreamt of her mother and her dark heart, but Sark was certain of what he heard.
He wanted Sydney to talk to him, but it was impossible since she did not remember even dreaming of Vaughn. Sark gently suggested seeing a doctor to help her sleep.
That is when the nightmares stopped and the insomnia began.
In the stillness of the night, she laid awake in the bed she shared with Sark, hoping for sleep and knowing it would never come.
As she looked over to him, sleeping peacefully beside her, she wondered what his dreams were like. She was envious of the fact, despite everything wicked he had done in his life, he still slept serenely.
She tried to push away the resentment, but in the wee hours of the morning, when all she had was herself, it was the one thing she could comprehend.
Something was not right, she was not herself anymore but she did not know how to return to the way she was before.
Cause I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul comes a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand o'er a strange inversion --
A vacancy that just did not belong
The child is gone
It happened in an instant, the moment fleeting before she even knew it had occurred, elusive sleep coming to her at last. She stirred in their bed, waking to find herself alone, and tried in vain to recall any dreams she might have had.
Nothing.
Days would pass without sleep, without feeling, without anything – until one evening, he was sitting at the small counter of their flat reading the paper and she was coring an apple before preparing to slice it in halves.
“I want to go to Los Angeles,” she said.
He looked up from the paper. “Why is that?”
“Closure.”
Sark did not reply right away, but eventually nodded his head and went back to reading the paper.
Two days later, they were in Los Angeles driving past Sydney and Vaughn’s old apartment.
A small family lived there now, evident from the toys littering the back patio, but there was more that she needed to witness.
All the things Sark had been able to teach her in a life with him, closure was the one thing she had the hardest time learning.
He pulled the Range Rover along the winding road leading back to Vaughn’s marker.
It was a large cemetery, it would be difficult to locate him if she didn’t know any better, Sydney only guessed where Vaughn would be buried and she was correct.
Sark waited in the SUV, watching her from a safe distance, as she walked towards the Vaughn family plot.
There were three markers; one was shared by Vaughn’s grandparents, Vaughn’s father and Vaughn’s own stone.
She expected a small cry to escape her lips at the sight of the marble finality spelling out his name, but it was not the stone itself that caused her to cry out, but the common bond shared by the three Vaughn men.
Written above each of their names was the following line: Beloved Husband and Father.
Michael had a child.
Honey, help me out of this mess
I'm a stranger to myself
But don't reach for me -- I'm too far away
I don't wanna talk cause there's nothing left to say
Sydney fell to her knees and brought a hand to her mouth.
Small tears began to settle in her eyes and she tried desperately to blink them back.
It had to be a mistake, she thought. While her mind tried to deny what she was seeing, her heart felt it’s true meaning at once.
Vaughn, at one time, had been who she considered to be her soulmate. Cruel circumstances had connected them, her mother killed his father, but something between them felt much stronger than that.
When he had proposed to her, he said it was love, in it purest and simplest form, from the moment he saw her. An instinct he had said.
He showed her his father’s watch, the one you could set your heart to, and told her it stopped the day they met. Only now, did she truly understand why.
When they were together, with nothing but the promise of the future before them, it had felt all wrong to Sydney.
They were irrevocably connected, but not for the reasons they naively believed.
Sydney understood why she dreamt of her mother. She had become her, Irina had taken Vaughn’s father and Sydney had killed Vaughn, taking him from his child.
She knew why she only dreamt of herself as a child, when she was a child, she would never take what Irina had to offer.
No, it was wrong but now, as an adult, she had accepted everything that a dark heart had to give.
The only thing causing her grief was the child inside, holding her back and trying to go back in time, to make Sydney see the world clearly in black and white again.
Moments passed, Sydney continued to stare blankly at the stone before she heard soft footsteps coming towards her in the grass.
She turned her head, expecting to see Sark, but her eyes covered by her dark sunglasses fell upon her father standing there in disbelief at the sight of her before him.
So my darling, give me your absence tonight
Take all of your sympathy and leave it outside
Cause there's no kind of loving that can make this alright
I'm trying to find a place I belong
Sydney stood up slowly, running a hand through her hair, and looked at her father for the first time in almost three years. He had not changed at all.
“Sydney, I didn’t know if you would truly be here or not.”
She wondered how he knew she was going to be there until it dawned on her. Sark must have contacted him.
“I had to come and see it with my own eyes,” she replied.
Her father, for once in his life, appeared to be struggling for the right words to say.
“Anna Vaughn lived,” he said, quietly, before continuing, “I thought you might want to know.”
Sydney lowered her head, not responding.
Jack stepped towards her then, reaching for her arm. Sydney’s immediate reaction was to act defensively and she took a step back, away from her father, noting the pain evident in his eyes.
“Sydney, I can help you.”
It became clear to her now why Sark had called her father. He was giving her a chance for complete closure on her old life or an opening for a way out of her life with him.
She crossed her arms across her chest. “I don’t need your help.”
“Please, Sydney. I don’t know why you have done the things that you have done,” he stopped before finishing. Then, continued, “but we can figure something out. Let me help you, please.”
She reached up pulling the sunglasses from off her face and looked her father directly in the eyes as she spoke. “Why I have done the things that I have done?” she asked, incredulously.
“Do you realize, if I hadn’t done this,” she waved her hand back, gesturing to the grave at her feet, “Vaughn would have killed me instead?”
He stared at her, no longer able to recognize the woman standing before him.
“The only thing I regret is that it had to come this far for me to learn who I truly am.”
She started to move past him, but he reached out, grabbing her arm. “Sydney, I can’t let you do this to yourself.”
She glanced at his hand before coldly looking her father in the eyes. He had kept saying her name, trying to make her remember who she once was, it was no use.
“It’s already done.”
Jack let his hand fall as he watched her walk towards the black SUV and out of his life forever.
And I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul comes a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand o'er a strange inversion
As the darkness turns into the dawn
They boarded a plane back to London that night.
Sark asked no question and Sydney offered no answers.
It was blatant by his actions in their trip that he would do anything for her, including sacrifice his own happiness with her, just as long as she was happy and well.
Finally, she was able to show him that no matter what consequences her life with him would ensue; she would never leave him to have her old life back or doubt the choices that had led her to him.
As far as she was concerned, there was only one life that she had ever been living and that was the one she lived when he was by her side.
After that trip to Los Angeles, there was no more talk of the past between Sark and Sydney.
It was something she was finally able to learn and appreciate from him, in their life, the past is all that you can leave behind.
The child is gone
