Tactical Rout (incomplete)

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Tim

Creative Writer
this is one of two pieces i am working on right now, the other being a rewrite of the initial draft of Sitting on my Superior Posterior

I've entitled it Tactical Rout, although the two words don't belong with each other in name or action on the battlefield.

i thought about including the full storyline right now, but i'm not 100% sure on it yet. i worked out the story while IMing a mate who has never read a novel in his life! but as short stories are the format of movies, he's well versed in them, so cna assimilate and understand my rantings.

Read, then make comments, ideas, as i continue writing you might see those ideas played out if they are better than mine, although don't put too much store by that!
 

Tom

An Old Friend
Ok MrD, Make sure you take this with a grain of salt.

First let me say, "you have my attn". It's obviously a military no-win scenerio. I'll be looking for the rest when you flesh it out.

Now, No schooling, not a lot of reading history and by no means a critic I say this:
1. I got the feeling about 1/3 thru the story the person was alone in life.
2. With no character development I did't know whether he/she was a flight or fight person. He/she was obviosly fighting but was it their nature or was it the circumstance.
3. I felt nothing for the other team members. It seemed neither did the person telling the tale.
4. There were no names...Everywhere I have ever been there is always at least one person whose name I remember. The comander, the radio operator, squadmate or others. Even the very first day on station I met someone and started forming judgements on them. This person Made no associations with his/her teammates at all. Very Cold.
5. I liked the 1st person. I gather good 1st person writing is fairly difficult because it's not done much. I followed the action fine.

I know there was combat action on another planet and the "guy" was up against a quite powerful foe with hi tech. But what color was the planet? Were the inhabitants human? How did the 'droids' kill so fast?

You wanted feedbak.....:o
 

Tim

Creative Writer
yep, i was going to post this but forgot.

no names, no team social interaction, past or present. only slight details on the planet. with Sitting on my Superior Posterior i did it a different way. not very descriptive, scenes shortened to key points, basic , very basic speech, but with the main characters all there by caricature and not name. and expand from there. this time round i have tried fluid writing, action blow by blow, but i had to drop some things to keep my head running smoothly on the story. even then, it means that i have to finish a writing session before i have the whole story down, a dangerous decision where short term memory and a nights sleep is involved

i decided with works i am posting up here that i would post them in different formats, different writing order/style/timing during their development, that some things although being obvious, when placed side by side can actually help peoples writings and my own of course.

in point 1) you are talking about when you got through 1/3rd of the sotry you were bringing up points. but this submission is only a 1/3 of the total size of the planned story! maybe less at that. another reason for dropping this section on the site right now is to be able to twist the story at each revision and extension, i have it so that friends who have read it read it one way, but i am writing the story another. when i told one friend the whole storyline, that might be subject to change, he said "damn arty writers!!" he sees it like a film with a twist he wouldn't have thought of, that hits deep down and makes so much sense. an introduction to the unknow, an original take on a normal seeming situation. i've purposely left the weapons technology at a low level to further confuse the reader,making it sound like a story with minimal advances and then being able to keep another part of the story totally alien and elevated intellectually.
 

Tim

Creative Writer
i know, thats what we want here.

surprisingly, when i post my work anywhere else on the net, no one makes any comments at all, even though other stories, even from less able writers, seem to get comments and points bandied back and forth.

any sort of comment apart from the usual rubbish ("U R GAY", etc) is appreciated
 
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