Chapter 13
Two days after her birthday, Sydney had obsessed herself into an impossible corner. She needed to come clean with someone, anyone, but the problem was she was too afraid to admit her feelings even to herself. She tried ignoring them once more, but when Michael came over for dinner she had such difficulty restraining herself from pouncing on him while he was eating peas, she knew that suppressing her emotions was only making it worse and causing a very dangerous situation. Finally, she made plans to spend Saturday with her sister, where she would most likely make the hardest admission of her life.
“So where do you wanna go sis? Pottery Barn? The Gap? OH! Mani-Pedi?!” Nadia asked excitedly when her sister arrived at her apartment at noon on Saturday.
“Well, actually, I was hoping we could talk about my big, huge major-ass problem,” Sydney said with a slight cringe.
“Big, huge, major-ass problem?” Nadia repeated in a questioning manner.
Sydney nodded, cringing even more. “I think…okay…I-I think I’m…I think-”
“Syd!” Nadia cut off her sister’s stammering.
“I think I’m in love with someone,” Sydney said so quickly that the words meshed together and Nadia was not sure she heard her right at first.
“You think you’re in love with someone,” Nadia repeated slowly. Sydney nodded, biting her bottom lip. “And this would be a problem because…the person your in love with is not your husband?” Nadia questioned. Again, Sydney nodded. “Oh no…”
“Oh yes!” Sydney wailed.
“Oh no!” Nadia repeated. “Well who the hell is it?! Oh no – it’s Michael isn’t it!” Nadia gasped. Sydney wailed and smashed her head into the table they were sitting at. “I knew it!” Nadia shouted.
“Naaaadiiiiiaaaaaa,” Sydney whined. “Help me!”
“Okay, okay deep breath,” Nadia said, taking one herself. “Now why is it exactly that you think you’re in love with him?”
“I don’t know…I don’t know!” Sydney groaned. “I just…well, it started on my birthday. He gave me this early edition copy of The Velveteen Rabbit an-”
“Aww, Gramma,” Nadia chimed in with a sigh. The reason the girls loved that book so much was that their beloved grandmother would always read it to them before they went to sleep.
“Yeah,” Sydney smiled. “And I was crying because I thought of her and it was just such a great gift – he went all the way to New York to get it for me! And then…then I went home and Peter gave me this bracelet and… and I don’t know... I mean, it’s a beautiful bracelet but compared to the book it just seemed like nothing…” Sydney sighed. Nadia nodded in understanding.
The girls were silent for a few minutes before Sydney admitted, “We haven’t had sex in over a month…Peter and I…”
“Why?” Nadia asked.
Sydney looked guilty down at the table. “’cause every time we do I either think about Michael or…well, the last time we did I was just laying there thinking, ‘Oh I should call Michael after this…I wonder what he’s doing…’”
“Ouch,” Nadia cringed.
“I KNOW!”
“So I guess I’m correct in assuming the last time we had a conversation about your sex life you weren’t imagining Orlando Bloom,” Nadia said. Sydney shook her head solemnly. “Okay…okay so why else do you love Michael?”
“I just… I do. We get along so well and he’s become like my best friend…I can’t wait to hang out with him and…and when I get home I don’t want to tell Peter about my day I want to call Michael and tell him about it… We hang out and dance in a parking lot,” she said with a soft smile, recalling their night at the movies. “And he gives me these looks and I just…they make me feel good, he makes me feel good…,” she let her voice drift off as she looked up at her sister.
“Damn girl,” Nadia said, sounding almost tearful, “you’ve got it bad!”
“I know! But I’m married! Married! Married to Peter…I can’t be in love with Michael…”
“You can and you are,” Nadia told her.
“But I don’t want to hurt Peter,” Sydney told her adamantly. “I love him…”
“But not like you love Michael,” Nadia finished for her. It took Sydney about ten seconds but she finally shook her head, agreeing with what Nadia had said. “Look Syd, if you want my advice you have to talk to Michael and find out where he stands with this. I mean, if he loves you too then…”
“Then I’ll get a divorce,” Sydney said bitterly.
“Then you’ll be happy,” Nadia corrected. Sydney gave her an uncertain look. “Come on Syd, can you honestly say that if Michael disappeared tomorrow you could go back to being happy with Peter?”
“No,” Sydney said quietly. “Not anymore…I just…I guess we were never happy. I was never happy I was just…content.”
“Well I coulda told you that,” Nadia muttered. Sydney looked at her in shock. “Well he’s so… boring… I mean, the man doesn’t like movies for Christ sakes!” Sydney couldn’t help but laugh at this; it was true.
“Come on sis,” Nadia reached over and squeezed her sister’s hand. “Let’s go get those mani-pedi; I think you could use it.” Sydney nodded and stood from the table, she definitely could.
After a rather relaxing afternoon gossiping with her sister at a day spa, Sydney returned home. The moment she spotted Peter screwing in a light bulb in their kitchen ceiling, she ached with guilt. The thought of hurting him made her feel positively awful, yet, at the same time, staying with him but not wanting to was hurting the both of them. She could see it in his eyes that he wondered what was wrong with her. After all, not making love for almost six weeks was not a usual occurrence in their relationship and, quite frankly, Sydney was running out of excuses as to why she was uninterested in a physical relationship with her husband. Nadia had been one hundred percent right; Sydney needed to speak with Michael and the sooner the better. Maybe talking with him about his feelings would give her clarity on her own feelings. As much as she was dreading a conversation in which Michael could tell her he had no feelings for her whatsoever, that conversation had to happen; they could not go on without something changing for too much longer.
