I started to get up. You had slept so soundly in my arms. You were not unconscious, you just needed sleep. You held my hand tighter. I didn’t know you were awake.
Please stay, was all you said, so softly that I almost couldn’t catch it. We had both forgotten our mission objectives and we had people waiting on our return. It was impossible for us to stay. You knew this, when you turned and looked at me, into my eyes. You begged me silently and I could not refuse.
One time I was staring at you, drunk on your beauty and grace, the bright summer sun giving your skin a bright glow. You asked me if I was doing drugs, in jest. I told you yes, pheromones. Yours in particular.
That was the first time you told me you loved me.
I can make you want me with the slightest graze of my hand against yours. I can make you orgasm if I breathe lightly on your slender neck. I can make you want more with one look. You have your own tricks. You’ve had me on my knees begging for you for hours. I’m barely able to focus when I’m with you. You know what you do to me. You take advantage of it and twist me around your finger. You know I am wholly, completely yours, only yours. You are tantric. You are carnality in it’s purest form. You are lust. You are sensuality. You are radiate eroticism. You are mine.
You enrapture me.
The wind is blowing harder now. I’m afraid it might blow you away from me. I hold you tighter, almost too tightly and you make a small noise in protest and go back to sleep. You always sleep so soundly. You told me you had never slept so well before me, but now I think you sleep too much. I called you a sloth once. You were half asleep then. You hit me lightly on my chest and mumbled something about me.
I never want to let you go.
You wake up in my arms and greet me with a smile and a kiss.
I bought you a scarf against the cold. You wanted to use it for other things. I laughed at you, always the little minx. I tie it around our wrists, binding you to me and me to you, but it is inadequate. I want to tie it around my heart and your delicate hands, to show you how much you mean to me. I settle for putting your hand on my heart and look at you longingly.
I love you.
And I never want to let you go.
*
It would have been easier if you had betrayed me. In a way, you did. You died. It was the ultimate betrayal. It would have been easier if you had told your superiors about me when you went home after I held you so long ago. It would have been easier if you were sent to use me. It would have been easier if Nadia was sent to help you betray me. It would have been easier if you never said you loved me and meant it, because then I could hate you, but I love you too much. I failed you twice and I let you go again. I swore to myself never to let you go and I lost you.
My own suicide was as quick and clean as possible, a scarf around my neck. When I crossed over, you were there waiting for me, just as beautiful as I remembered you. You wrapped a scarf around our wrists and took my hand, and together we walked on to embrace infinity.
I never let you go.
END
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