Season 4 The TENDER REVIEW of "Authorized Personnel Only"

<span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>THE TENDER REVIEW!</span>

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Last Time on Alias: God, I wish I could remember, but it was SO FREAKING LONG AGO! So, yup. No recap of the last episode. As a replacement, I am going to list:

The Top 5 Things I Did In Place of Watching Alias this Fall!
1. Twiddled my thumbs for eight straight months
2. Touched up on my Swahili
3. Learned how to repair leather upholstery
4. Raked wet leaves
5. Wrestled a weasel

After contemplating over my above list, I realized: LIFE WITHOUT ALIAS SUCKS! (Except for #5, that was pretty exciting) So, let's give a honkey-dorey welcome back to the world of super spies in wonder bras! ALIAS: you were truly missed ;) But what better way to kick off the new season with the LONGEST Tender Review in the history of... well, uh... Tender Reviews! HERE... WE... GO! :D
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NOTE: I had to cut out some scenes, especially from Part II, due to length and time.

At last! The premiere is here! And At Last by Etta James! Sydney parades out of a bathroom in a white tu-tu. After two pique turns and pirouette executed with absolute perfection, Syd approaches Captain Isotope who is looking very amused at her "performance." She asks him "Is this okay for me?" To which he replies "No! It's not okay! It's tacky and kinky. Honey, you have a great complexion that should be accompanied with sky blues and tickle-me-pinks. See-through yellows are for baptized babies and old people!" Sydney is absolutely offended. The nerve of that man calling her 'Honey!' She returns the favor by enlodging his nasal canal up into his cranium.

Sydney runs through the train, hoping to escape before Captain Isotope realizes his left sock is missing (*hee hee* Sydney, you bad girl, you), when she runs into a fleeing Michael Jackson. "Michael?" she questions, very alarmed at his prescene. "What are you doing here?" "Looking for my nose. It fell off a while back and I'm retracing my steps to find it," he replies as they both spontaneously begin to moonwalk. Sydney wonders what he's doing on the Super Secret Spy Circuit to which he replies "You mean, this isn't the Locomotive of Lost Lonely Boys Looking for Love?" Without even questioning what he was doing on the Locomotive of Lost Lonely Boys Looking for Love, Sydney pushes him out of the train. Michael holds onto her as he falls, causing Sydney to fall out of the train too! Sydney just barely manages to hold on. E-gads! She may never be able to moonwalk again!

TIME!WARP! 72 hours earlier. Sydney runs through Hong Kong with trusted friend and Teletubby actor, Tinky-Winky Jones. "I'm gonna catch you, Tinky Winky!" Syd says in her deep Satan voice as they continue an arguement after a game-gone-wrong of tetherball. Tinky-Winky runs into club Yoko-Ono (Where it's All Yoko-Ono All the Time: Free Earplugs Upon Entry!) and into the bathroom. Sydney bursts down the door and leaps upon poor Tinky. "I misunderstood!" he yelps as she smears grease in his eyes. "I thought you could punch the ball and your opponent!" Syd finishes her dirt and grime makeover, turning Tinky-Winky into Gothy-Wothy. (Three weeks later, Teletubby viewership increases tenfold as viewers tune in to see Gothy-Wothy shoot bee-bees a hogtied Po.)

Back at the CIA, Senior Director Macy Gray O'Malley suffers from the worst hair day ever known to all of mankind. "I tried gel, I tried moose, I tried spray. For God's sake I tried Mickey Rooney's sweat! Nothing came tame this hair! Sydney, what do you suggest I do?!?" Sydney does not know. Director O'Malley is ashamed of Sydney's ignorance and immediately fires her. Left with nothing better to do, Sydney begins to look for Michael Jackson's long lost nose. At the boarding platform of the Locomotive of Lost Lonely Boys Looking for Love, Sydney finds McCauley Caulkin, Lance Bass of N*SYNC, and Jeb Bush, but does not find Michael's nose :( She becomes so angry that she punches a hole into the brick wall next to her, revealing a room inside. Sydney walks in to find Macy Gray O'Malley! "Darn it. You found us. And all you had to do was fracture every finger on your right hand. Okay, I guess you can work for us."

OMFG! I just saw 52 different Sydney Bristows in less than thirty seconds! Cool beans! :cool:

Sydney discovers that all her buds are here! She finds Jack, Vaughn, Dixon, and William Hung! After several group hugs and fiery renditions of "She Bangs," the crew gets to work (with the exception of William Hung who was late for his Viola lessons). Just when Sydney thought her life could never be grim again, she discovers that Sloane is once again her boss and that high boots are in this season. And after all that money she spent on Misty Harbor Nubuck Clogs! Grr... Sloane reveals that their new organization is the APO: Anonymous Potato Obsessers and their goal in life is to make sure no french fry goes unsalted. "Why don't we call ourselves Authorized Personnel Only and have our goal be to rid the world of evil?" Dixon suggests. Sloane realizes that he must give up his dream of one day having a world where potatos become the sole focus of life, and agrees with Dixon's suggestion. He also sends Sydney and Vaughn on their first mission with the APO: to steal the strongest-holding hair gel in the known world from scientist Captain Isotope to finally put an end to Director O'Malley hair troubles.

On the Super Secret Spy Curcuit, Vaughn holds a meeting with The Last Samurai Besides Tom Cruise, Isotope's bodyguard, in order to distract him. They dine and enjoy the train's showing of the currently unreleased "The Girl Next Door 2: Two Girls Next Door." The Last Samurai Besides Tom Cruise becomes offended at Vaughn's horrible table manners. After properly showing him the correct way to consume snap peas, he decides to beat him up. Meanwhile, deja-vous ensues as Sydney resteals the gel from Captain Isotope after reseducing him to the tune of Swan Lake. Re-ally. Luckily Vaughn with Sydney-- with the hair gel in their possession as well as a bootleg copy of the in-ride movie Vaughn plans to sell on Ebay.

Speaking of "ride," watch as Sydney rides on Vaughn! "I told Weiss this was better than those mechanical bulls," she proclaims as Vaughn thrashes about. Vaughn slows to a stop after a while, but Sydney wasn't done with her turn. She searches for the slot to put in her next quarter. "Found it!" she happily declares as Vaughn shrieks in unimaginable pain. She rides on him some more as he thrashes like he never has before.

The next day, at the APO, Sloane throws away the last of the "I Brake for Spuds" tee-shirts and sighs heavily in regret. The Spy Gang discusses Sydney and Vaughn's previous mission. "I was intrigued by The Last Samurai Besides Tom Cruise's skills in table etiquette," Sloane reveals. He decides that they must find out more about him, and to do so, Sydney pays a visit to her sister, Penelope Cruz! She finds Penelope doing what Jack had spent many of his younger days doing-- tanning on the beach, drinking daquiris, and checking out the shirtless hunks. Penelope reveals that her fomer partner Salam Hayek was killed by the Samurai after he told her she was too Latino for primetime. She also reveals that the Samurai once tried to steal something from a London Museum -- the Shiny Sword of Doom and Bunnies. "No, wait," she corrects herself. " It's just the Shiny Sword of Doom. No Bunnies. I must have had one to many daquiris."

Syd returns this news to the APO where the Spy Gang devises their next plan. "Okay. That's three votes for periwinkle and two for lilac," Sloane counts. "So it's settled. If I ever decide to get a new hair color, I will dye my hair periwinkle." Phew. Isn't it great to see our favorite heros working out the hardest decisions in life? Next, they plan their next move on The Last Samurai Besides Tom Cruise. "We will steal the Shiny Sword of Bunnies," Sloane decides, "and then render its powers to call upon all the bunnies in the world to steal the Shiny Sword of Doom for us!" "Or we could just steal the Sword of Doom ourselves," Dixon suggests. "Darn it, Dixon! You're always one step ahead of the game!"

Meanwhile, at the real CIA parking lot, the cops bust Marshall for PS2 possession and disorderly conduct. "I was drunk!" he shouts. "And I thought she was a monkey! I swear!" The APO learns of his arrest and decides to let him off if he works for them for the rest of his life. "Will I get dental coverage?" Marshall wonders. Now with Marshall on their team, the Spy Gang is ready to tackle any obstacle or solve any New York Times Crossword Puzzles that come their way!

Cut to the London Museum of Pointy Objects where Sydney is lowering from the ceiling down to the Shiny Sword of Doom, being closely monitored by her teammates all the while. She cracks open the case with a tiddlywink and takes the sword out, when she hears a voice. "Psst... Sydney! Sydney!" Sydney looks over and shrieks. "Michael? What are you doing here?" "I just wanted you to know, I've found my nose and I've used some more of my constantly wasted money that would be much better off being given to a charity organization to get it sewn back on!" Michael spontaneously begins to moonwalk yet again, and dances through the sensors, triggering the alarm. Michael, being very sensitive to loud noises (He was in the hospital for three weeks and seven minutes after his visit at Club Yoko-Ono), immediately runs for the nearest exit. But just as he runs, the security gates fall down, nearly killing him. Luckily, they only chop off his nose. Meanwhile, Sydney makes it out okay, sword in hand.

The APO sets up a deal with The Last Samurai Besides Tom Cruise to trade him the Shiny Sword of Doom in exchange for his backstage passes to the Britney Spears-Fedderline concert. He hesitantly accepts the offer. To Rio De Janiero we go as Sydney takes the sword into a parking garage for the samurai. The lights begin to flicker and tension begins to rise as there is no sign of the Samurai. She hears footsteps from behind her. "Sorry I'm late. I was just finishing up my favorite movie: "Pluto Nash 2: Straight to Video." These words are so deadly to Sydney's ears that she immediately goes into an Eddie Murphy Manic and passes out. The samurai abducts her.

Sydney wakes up to find herself strapped to a chair, The Last Samurai Besides Tom Cruise in front of her. "What happened to the deal?" He inquires. She does not know. Hoping to get it out of her, the samurai begins playing Alias Season 3 DVDs! OH NO! "What happened to the deal?!?" Sydney is in horrible pain, but cannot do anything -- she doesn't know. Suddenly, Penelope Cruz bursts through the wall and attacks the samurai with her newly manicured nails. She frees Sydney from her near-doom and then begins shouting random words of celebration in Spanish and doing the salsa.

Sydney follows the Last Samurai Besides Tom Cruise, who has the Shiny Sword of Doom. He decides to return it to her in the form of thrusting it into her abdomen, but he misses. An Elektra-esque fight ensues, ending with bad news for the samurai. With a six foot long machete now splicing his kidneys, he tells Sydney what the deal was all about. "Your... Charizard... for my... Pikachu," he mutters and then falls to the ground. Sydney realizes that Tom Cruise is now literally the last samurai. :(

Back for once last time at the APO where Sloane congratulates Sydney on the success of her mission with a pat on the back and a big, wet kiss... wait... what the? Sloane wakes up at his desk as Sydney walks in, home from her mission. Sloane congratulates her and then tells her even better news. Penelope Cruz has decided to join the APO under the condition that she gets to redo the interior design. "And the best part?" Sloane begins, rather excited, "Free Salsa lessons to all APO employees!"

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NEXT WEEK ON ALIAS: Will the APO last for another episode? Will Sydney get over the fact that Sloane is her boss? Will Satan divide and conquer Europe? You might just find out next Wednesday!
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And now, my fellow Alias fanatics... the review!

Best Part of the Episode: I found the part where the Spy Gang is stealing the Shetaro Sword to be original and exhilerating. And how about that guard droping his soda can... neat twist, huh?

Worst Part of the Episode: Was I the only one who didn't want to see Syd/Vaughn in bed in the very first episode?

Best Aspect of the Episode: Alias is baaack! Or so I hope. J.J. has reinvented the show once again to a promising, workable format. If things keeps up as they are, we can expect a GREAT fourth season.

Worst Aspect of the Episode: No big shockers, frightening cliffhangers, or new mysteries. Right along with no old mysteries solved.

The GREAT: Sydney (J.Gar., my J.Gar., how do I love thee? Let me count the ways!), The sword-stealing, Marshall ("Sloooane is here..." LMAO!), and the new opening credits!

The Good: The train mission (exciting, but not nearly as exciting as other missions), Syd running through Hong Kong (could they have picked better music) all other characters (That's Vaughn, Jack, Sloane, Dixon, Samurai, etc.), and Nadia (her first appearance on my "The Good" list; previously listed under "The Okay." I see lots of potential here and hope that Nadia soon becomes a welcome part of the Spy Gang.).

The Bad: Notta. Couldn't say this for many episodes last season.

Overall Rating: 7.5/10 (Great, Solid 2 Hours of TV) - Far be it for me to call anyone wrong, but to all you who thought the premiere to be boring, uneventful, disappointing, etc.: YOU ARE WRONG. When put into perspective, J.J. has accomplished a great feat. Given the substance from last season, he was able to once again turn the entire show upside to make it exciting and potentially spectacular as it once was. I am expecting to see great things this season -- and I mean Seasons 1 and 2 good. :smiley:

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Like what you read? Check out all the TENDER REVIEWS at my website HERE!

Also, be sure to check out my Alias Fanfics all in SCRIPT FORM, also at my website HERE!
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Thank you SO MUCH for reading my review! Please post all of your comments/thoughts/suggestions right here! I work very hard on these reviews, and I love to hear feedback from my readers. Thanks ;)
 
I couldn't agree more! And no you weren't the only one to not want Vaughn and Syd to be in bed the first episode.....I'm a HUGE S/V Shipper...but I didn't like what I saw either! I mean I did but didn't ya know? Anyways...as always, awesome review!
 
Oh my God.....:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

My favorite part...
Speaking of "ride," watch as Sydney rides on Vaughn! "I told Weiss this was better than those mechanical bulls," she proclaims as Vaughn thrashes about. Vaughn slows to a stop after a while, but Sydney wasn't done with her turn. She searches for the slot to put in her next quarter. "Found it!" she happily declares as Vaughn shrieks in unimaginable pain. She rides on him some more as he thrashes like he never has before.
:sideroll: :sideroll:

And also..
Back for once last time at the APO where Sloane congratulates Sydney on the success of her mission with a pat on the back and a big, wet kiss... wait... what the? Sloane wakes up at his desk as Sydney walks in, home from her mission.
The scary thing is, that's probably TRUE. :lol:

Nice cameo by Wacko Jacko as well. (y) What are your career plans, anyway? Because you have to do something with this twisted gift...:lol:
 
What are your career plans, anyway? Because you have to do something with this twisted gift...
LOL! Actually, I love to write all sorts of things. I plan on becoming a writer of screenplays and teleplays, and then move up to creating and directing movies or tv shows. Kind of like J.J. :D

I'm glad you liked my review, too. :cool:
 
OMV, that was hilarious. I loved the Jacko cameo. Awesomeness as always. Made me laugh so hard water I wasn't drinking was coming out of my nose. :mellow: Anyways, I can't wait for more of reviews, and I want a salsa lesson. :sadangel:

:mellow:

--riley--
 
I had to skip parts of your post, I only have so much time, but I bookmarked your site... I agree with you so much it is scary. I thought I was the only person who didn't want to see syd and vaughn in bed in the first eppy. I mean kissing alright, hugging quite incouraged, dialougue between the two, obviously a must, but I was hoping that they would wait until at least one or two eppys. I mean he just lost his wife, it does not matter whether she was a deceitful and not the greatest wife lol, but still a little too fast oh well. I just wanted to say I quite enjoyed reading your post!
 
hahahahahaha that was very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very ( srry i needed a finger workout) Funny. i love knock offs they crack me up like the moive spaceballs. i was rolling all over the floor and well in tears. i am going to bookmark your site. and i agree with you syd and vaughn could just have had fluffly momments really it is not so fun watching them maul eachother. well i am looking forward to the next eppy and your take on it!!
 
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