Tenderbear
Scout
THE TENDER REVIEW!
Last Updated: 5/30 (check bottom of review)
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Last week on Alias: (Remember, it rhymes! To the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star") Sydney dear what did you say, when Sloane carted your sis away? Vaughn wanted his dear wife dead, take a spear shove it in her head! Dr. No-Legs killed by Vaughn, and Jack and Katya got it on! Hey!
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Sydney is finally getting rid of all her old cell phones that still ring every three seconds with some guy saying "Steve's Chinese Hut?" by randomly dispensing them throughout the CIA. She enters the Rotunda with minty fresh breath and decides to play "The Sims: Louse Party Expansion" on Marshall's computer. After delousing her virtual children, Spock and Josephetta, and gaining a Charisma of three points, Marshall walks in, and Sydney mistakens him for a raccoon coming to knock over her trash cans. She shoots him. Oops. The trauma makes her undergo SPICY (Sudden Personality Identity Crisis Yep), and she decides that her evil deed must meet with an evil identity - Lauren. She rips off her face (like she does almost every other day) and turns into Lauren! Spiffy, eh?
Meanwhile, Sark gets caught for driving under the influence of an evil terrorist organization and is taken into CIA custody. Vaughn gets the call to question him by... I don't know... dislodging his appendeges from their sockets? FUN! Sark invites Vaughn to a tea party in Merry Merry Meadows with his friends Lila the fawn and Hoppers the rabbit. He says he'll accept as long as they have crescent tea sandwiches with cucumber. Sark is outraged ("Crescent tea sandwiches? What do you think I am? A girl?" he said as he contemplated on whether to use the pink or purple tea set.)
Sydney is questioned by the CIA for her involvement in the attack on the Rotunda. Mr. Reflectorhead shows her the clip of Marshall being shot. "Who is that girl?" asks Sydney. "What a tacky hairdo! And look at those pinstripes! Eww!" Mr. Reflectorhead says in his vibrant, valley-girl-like voice, "Yes, I so totally know! What a dork!" and giggles. "Let me go call the other Fab 4 to give this gal a makeover!" *When you are around -do do do- you are around -do do do- All things just keep gettin' better!*... What the...? Stupid TV switched to Bravo, darn it!
So we're back to Alias when Vaughn decides to follow Llamarama to wherever it is she's going in hopes of being able to make a full body suit out of her epidermis. He follows her into a building where she's rendez-vousing with Computer Nerd #32. He gives her the latitude and longitude to the closest Frontline flea-removal factory. She thanks him, barks, and scratches behind her ear with her right pinky toe. But just as she's leaving, Vaughn makes like a whisk and beats her until she's out cold. He takes her to his secret garage of torture and hangs her from the ceiling. He takes out hydrochloric acid and says something to the effect of "don't make me use this, because if I pour this on your face, you could look like... Michael Jackson... or wait, worse... Joan Rivers!" Lauren wails in agony an assailant from behind comes up to Vaughn and stabs him. Who is the stabber? Sark? Irina? Anna Espinosa? Black Mumba? We find out "L" on the "ater."
In the CIA Safehouse in the middle of nowhere in Calfornia, in Los Angeles on 214 Mulberry Row that no one, and I mean NO ONE, knows the location of, Nadia is having nightmares about strage eyes (<o> <o>), green liquid, and Sloane's sunglasses. Sloane decides to pay his daughter a visit and asks her to join him in aquiring Rambaldi's greatest possessions. She does not reply, only says, "You should go, before the fab five come back and start redoing your wardrobe."
Into the hospital where Vaughn is rushed into an emergency room. Sydney runs after him, "Vaughn! Vaughn!" Not realizing the crew has entered a room, Sydney continues running and slams into a wall. Jack ducks his head and runs in to the wall as well just for good measure. "See, Sweetie," he says as he staggers, "I'll always be here for you." Sydney decides that the Llama must be put to sleep!
Now to the CIA cell where we find Sark, covered in dried body fluids. Lauren enters the cell next to him and starts asking him about his torture session. "Did they hurt you?" "Did they kill you?" "Is that your brain sticking out?" "Can I touch it?" "Oooh! Squishy!" She then asks him to give her the very important code to unlock a vault full of Spam, Vitaballs, and Spam flavored Vitaballs. He says, "The code is a quote from Mr. T, 'I pity da foo' " Lauren then removes her mask to reveal she's --- oh my gosh! Ted Kennedy! He hiccups, staggers a bit, and takes off his mask to reveal he's --- Sydney Bristow! "I knew it," says Sark. Sydney replies, "Oh yeah? And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dog!" Rooby-dooby-doo! Daphne comes out and starts freak-dancing with Ted Kennedy.
Back in the hospital, Vaughn tells Weiss that Sydney is walking into a trap as he stuffs his intestines back into his body. Vaughn escapes to warn her.
Sydney goes to the coordinates found by the code (No VitaSpam? Shoot!) and runs in to Katya. "Oh, I'm sorry, Katya," she says, "I thought you were a man." "That's okay, Sydney," she says in her devilish accent, "am I a sexy man?" Sydney, now in utter disgust, just picks up the gun and shoots her. "Bye Shmale!" She then spies Lauren and decides to take aim. She misses and the fight ensues. Lauren and Sydney duke it out, and I mean really duke it out! Lauren enlodges a pick axe in Syd's aorta, Sydney impales Lauren on a shovel, severing her spleen, Brad Pitt jumps in dressed in a loincloth and spears a rock... you know, the whole works! Vaughn makes it just in time to make swiss cheese out of Lauren, but right before her demise, she utters some numbers. "8... 3... 5... 4... toast..." All the talk of toast and cheese makes Syd and Vaughn very hungry, so they decide to eat each other.
Sydney takes the code to some bank in Wittenburg. She finds the bank box with the same number on it and looks to see what's inside. She throws aside a couple million dollars, the great hope diamond, proof of life on Mars, and video footage of OJ killing his wife, to find a piece of paper. *Gasp! Ooh! Ah!* She hurriedly reads its contents and becomes very, very upset. Jack enters after having a few beers with good 'ole Ted Kennedy (who is under the table as of now) and tells Syd that she was never supposed to have found these papers...
DUN DUN DUN! What is on the papers? Is it records showing Jack and Syd aren't related? Is it proof that Irina Direvko is dead? Is it a document that shows that Sydney's whole life is nothing but a mere experiment? Is it a script from "All My Children?" Find out NEVER on Alias... just kidding... find out almost never (seven months) on ALIAS! YEE-HAW!
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And now, for the review!
Best Part of the Episode: There were so many, but I must say that I jumped through the roof and damaged my vochal chords after Syd took off that Lauren mask. How cool was that?!?
Best Part of the Episode HONORABLE MENTION: Syd v. Lauren fight. It had to be one of the best fights this entire season! And the shovels, the pick axe! Eww!
Worst Part of the Episode: Cleaning up the Rotunda was an unnecessary scene to show if you ask me. It really interrupted the action and left me with bad vibes.
Best Aspect of the Episode: Even MORE questions are formed! And I like questions! Quick! What is 1 + 1? 2! YEAH!
Worst Aspect of the Episode: This is the last new Alias for SEVEN WHOLE MONTHS! AHHH! *faints*
The Awesome: Sydney and the mask. OMG! That shocked the bujesus out of me! Also, Vaughn. What a step up in acting for Vartan! He was the most intriguing character in this episode by far.
The Great: Sydney, Lauren, Vaughn torture scenes, Lauren v. Sydney, the questions posed at the end, Lauren/Syd's entry to the Rotunda, the entire opening sequence, Marshall and his antics
The Good: Weiss, Dixon, Jack, Katya, the hospital escape, Syd schools Katya Round II, Sloane, Sark
The Okay: Sloane and Nadia's plan (it just wasn't as interesting or as attention-grabbing as the rest of this episode), Nadia (still not impressed)
The Bad: Squat the Diddly.
Overall Rating: 9.5/10 - I don't care what Herc says, I don't care what Kristin says, I don't care what TVGal or Matt Roush say, this Alias episode kicked some MAJOR booty! What more can you ask for? There was action, violence, romance, suspense, terror, twists, excitement (beyond belief), cliffhangers, intelligent dialogue (for once they aren't talking like automatons!), awesome gadgetry/weaponry, fight scenes, explosions, implosions, erosions, IT WAS ALL HERE! I must also give a huge
to the writers of this episode led by Jeff Pinkner! The script was snappy, clever, funny, emotional, and just an all around great piece of writing! And I have to disagree 120% with everyone who called the mask thing "lame" "stupid" "unrealistic" etc. Hello? Where have you been, this IS Alias you know. The show with the device that cancels out all sound, the briefcase that turns into a luge, computer hacker devices the size of a fingernail, how about a DEVICE THAT TURNS A PERSON INTO SOMEONE ELSE!?!?! Alias IS unrealistic. But the thing is that the unrealism is just SO DARN COOL! Who says that the CIA can't make detail-precise masks, and Sydney can't imitate Lauren's voice? I can imitate Sloane: Caaaavanent! In all, this was HANDS DOWN the best episode in all of S3 and if anyone wants to dispute, post and I shall prove you wrong! MUHAHAHA! Crescent tea sandwiches with cucumber, anyone?
And finally, just so you all know...
Tenderbear's Grading System!
A scale from 1-10
11 - Will go down in television history! Some of the best TV work of all time!
10 - A true work of genius!
9 - Excellently presented, scripted, acted, and directed!
8 - An example of great TV.
7 - A good, solid hour of television.
6 - Flawed, but still has its moments.
5 - Not the best way to spend an hour, but still okay.
4 - Pretty bad and disappointing.
3 - Absolutely rotten. What a waste of time!
2 - Like listening to nails against a chalkboard for an hour!
1 - Death is preferred over this felgercarb!
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Like what you read? Check out ALL of the Tender Reviews!
3.09 "Conscious"
3.10 "Remnants"
3.11 "Full Disclosure"
3.12 "Crossings"
3.16 "Taken"
3.17 "The Frame"
1.12 "The Box: Part I"
UPDATE! Also, be sure to read my Alias spec script! It can be found HERE!
Last Updated: 5/30 (check bottom of review)
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
Last week on Alias: (Remember, it rhymes! To the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star") Sydney dear what did you say, when Sloane carted your sis away? Vaughn wanted his dear wife dead, take a spear shove it in her head! Dr. No-Legs killed by Vaughn, and Jack and Katya got it on! Hey!
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
Sydney is finally getting rid of all her old cell phones that still ring every three seconds with some guy saying "Steve's Chinese Hut?" by randomly dispensing them throughout the CIA. She enters the Rotunda with minty fresh breath and decides to play "The Sims: Louse Party Expansion" on Marshall's computer. After delousing her virtual children, Spock and Josephetta, and gaining a Charisma of three points, Marshall walks in, and Sydney mistakens him for a raccoon coming to knock over her trash cans. She shoots him. Oops. The trauma makes her undergo SPICY (Sudden Personality Identity Crisis Yep), and she decides that her evil deed must meet with an evil identity - Lauren. She rips off her face (like she does almost every other day) and turns into Lauren! Spiffy, eh?
Meanwhile, Sark gets caught for driving under the influence of an evil terrorist organization and is taken into CIA custody. Vaughn gets the call to question him by... I don't know... dislodging his appendeges from their sockets? FUN! Sark invites Vaughn to a tea party in Merry Merry Meadows with his friends Lila the fawn and Hoppers the rabbit. He says he'll accept as long as they have crescent tea sandwiches with cucumber. Sark is outraged ("Crescent tea sandwiches? What do you think I am? A girl?" he said as he contemplated on whether to use the pink or purple tea set.)
Sydney is questioned by the CIA for her involvement in the attack on the Rotunda. Mr. Reflectorhead shows her the clip of Marshall being shot. "Who is that girl?" asks Sydney. "What a tacky hairdo! And look at those pinstripes! Eww!" Mr. Reflectorhead says in his vibrant, valley-girl-like voice, "Yes, I so totally know! What a dork!" and giggles. "Let me go call the other Fab 4 to give this gal a makeover!" *When you are around -do do do- you are around -do do do- All things just keep gettin' better!*... What the...? Stupid TV switched to Bravo, darn it!
So we're back to Alias when Vaughn decides to follow Llamarama to wherever it is she's going in hopes of being able to make a full body suit out of her epidermis. He follows her into a building where she's rendez-vousing with Computer Nerd #32. He gives her the latitude and longitude to the closest Frontline flea-removal factory. She thanks him, barks, and scratches behind her ear with her right pinky toe. But just as she's leaving, Vaughn makes like a whisk and beats her until she's out cold. He takes her to his secret garage of torture and hangs her from the ceiling. He takes out hydrochloric acid and says something to the effect of "don't make me use this, because if I pour this on your face, you could look like... Michael Jackson... or wait, worse... Joan Rivers!" Lauren wails in agony an assailant from behind comes up to Vaughn and stabs him. Who is the stabber? Sark? Irina? Anna Espinosa? Black Mumba? We find out "L" on the "ater."
In the CIA Safehouse in the middle of nowhere in Calfornia, in Los Angeles on 214 Mulberry Row that no one, and I mean NO ONE, knows the location of, Nadia is having nightmares about strage eyes (<o> <o>), green liquid, and Sloane's sunglasses. Sloane decides to pay his daughter a visit and asks her to join him in aquiring Rambaldi's greatest possessions. She does not reply, only says, "You should go, before the fab five come back and start redoing your wardrobe."
Into the hospital where Vaughn is rushed into an emergency room. Sydney runs after him, "Vaughn! Vaughn!" Not realizing the crew has entered a room, Sydney continues running and slams into a wall. Jack ducks his head and runs in to the wall as well just for good measure. "See, Sweetie," he says as he staggers, "I'll always be here for you." Sydney decides that the Llama must be put to sleep!
Now to the CIA cell where we find Sark, covered in dried body fluids. Lauren enters the cell next to him and starts asking him about his torture session. "Did they hurt you?" "Did they kill you?" "Is that your brain sticking out?" "Can I touch it?" "Oooh! Squishy!" She then asks him to give her the very important code to unlock a vault full of Spam, Vitaballs, and Spam flavored Vitaballs. He says, "The code is a quote from Mr. T, 'I pity da foo' " Lauren then removes her mask to reveal she's --- oh my gosh! Ted Kennedy! He hiccups, staggers a bit, and takes off his mask to reveal he's --- Sydney Bristow! "I knew it," says Sark. Sydney replies, "Oh yeah? And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dog!" Rooby-dooby-doo! Daphne comes out and starts freak-dancing with Ted Kennedy.
Back in the hospital, Vaughn tells Weiss that Sydney is walking into a trap as he stuffs his intestines back into his body. Vaughn escapes to warn her.
Sydney goes to the coordinates found by the code (No VitaSpam? Shoot!) and runs in to Katya. "Oh, I'm sorry, Katya," she says, "I thought you were a man." "That's okay, Sydney," she says in her devilish accent, "am I a sexy man?" Sydney, now in utter disgust, just picks up the gun and shoots her. "Bye Shmale!" She then spies Lauren and decides to take aim. She misses and the fight ensues. Lauren and Sydney duke it out, and I mean really duke it out! Lauren enlodges a pick axe in Syd's aorta, Sydney impales Lauren on a shovel, severing her spleen, Brad Pitt jumps in dressed in a loincloth and spears a rock... you know, the whole works! Vaughn makes it just in time to make swiss cheese out of Lauren, but right before her demise, she utters some numbers. "8... 3... 5... 4... toast..." All the talk of toast and cheese makes Syd and Vaughn very hungry, so they decide to eat each other.
Sydney takes the code to some bank in Wittenburg. She finds the bank box with the same number on it and looks to see what's inside. She throws aside a couple million dollars, the great hope diamond, proof of life on Mars, and video footage of OJ killing his wife, to find a piece of paper. *Gasp! Ooh! Ah!* She hurriedly reads its contents and becomes very, very upset. Jack enters after having a few beers with good 'ole Ted Kennedy (who is under the table as of now) and tells Syd that she was never supposed to have found these papers...
DUN DUN DUN! What is on the papers? Is it records showing Jack and Syd aren't related? Is it proof that Irina Direvko is dead? Is it a document that shows that Sydney's whole life is nothing but a mere experiment? Is it a script from "All My Children?" Find out NEVER on Alias... just kidding... find out almost never (seven months) on ALIAS! YEE-HAW!
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
And now, for the review!
Best Part of the Episode: There were so many, but I must say that I jumped through the roof and damaged my vochal chords after Syd took off that Lauren mask. How cool was that?!?
Best Part of the Episode HONORABLE MENTION: Syd v. Lauren fight. It had to be one of the best fights this entire season! And the shovels, the pick axe! Eww!
Worst Part of the Episode: Cleaning up the Rotunda was an unnecessary scene to show if you ask me. It really interrupted the action and left me with bad vibes.
Best Aspect of the Episode: Even MORE questions are formed! And I like questions! Quick! What is 1 + 1? 2! YEAH!
Worst Aspect of the Episode: This is the last new Alias for SEVEN WHOLE MONTHS! AHHH! *faints*
The Awesome: Sydney and the mask. OMG! That shocked the bujesus out of me! Also, Vaughn. What a step up in acting for Vartan! He was the most intriguing character in this episode by far.
The Great: Sydney, Lauren, Vaughn torture scenes, Lauren v. Sydney, the questions posed at the end, Lauren/Syd's entry to the Rotunda, the entire opening sequence, Marshall and his antics
The Good: Weiss, Dixon, Jack, Katya, the hospital escape, Syd schools Katya Round II, Sloane, Sark
The Okay: Sloane and Nadia's plan (it just wasn't as interesting or as attention-grabbing as the rest of this episode), Nadia (still not impressed)
The Bad: Squat the Diddly.
Overall Rating: 9.5/10 - I don't care what Herc says, I don't care what Kristin says, I don't care what TVGal or Matt Roush say, this Alias episode kicked some MAJOR booty! What more can you ask for? There was action, violence, romance, suspense, terror, twists, excitement (beyond belief), cliffhangers, intelligent dialogue (for once they aren't talking like automatons!), awesome gadgetry/weaponry, fight scenes, explosions, implosions, erosions, IT WAS ALL HERE! I must also give a huge
to the writers of this episode led by Jeff Pinkner! The script was snappy, clever, funny, emotional, and just an all around great piece of writing! And I have to disagree 120% with everyone who called the mask thing "lame" "stupid" "unrealistic" etc. Hello? Where have you been, this IS Alias you know. The show with the device that cancels out all sound, the briefcase that turns into a luge, computer hacker devices the size of a fingernail, how about a DEVICE THAT TURNS A PERSON INTO SOMEONE ELSE!?!?! Alias IS unrealistic. But the thing is that the unrealism is just SO DARN COOL! Who says that the CIA can't make detail-precise masks, and Sydney can't imitate Lauren's voice? I can imitate Sloane: Caaaavanent! In all, this was HANDS DOWN the best episode in all of S3 and if anyone wants to dispute, post and I shall prove you wrong! MUHAHAHA! Crescent tea sandwiches with cucumber, anyone?And finally, just so you all know...
Tenderbear's Grading System!
A scale from 1-10
11 - Will go down in television history! Some of the best TV work of all time!
10 - A true work of genius!
9 - Excellently presented, scripted, acted, and directed!
8 - An example of great TV.
7 - A good, solid hour of television.
6 - Flawed, but still has its moments.
5 - Not the best way to spend an hour, but still okay.
4 - Pretty bad and disappointing.
3 - Absolutely rotten. What a waste of time!
2 - Like listening to nails against a chalkboard for an hour!
1 - Death is preferred over this felgercarb!
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
Like what you read? Check out ALL of the Tender Reviews!
3.09 "Conscious"
3.10 "Remnants"
3.11 "Full Disclosure"
3.12 "Crossings"
3.16 "Taken"
3.17 "The Frame"
1.12 "The Box: Part I"
UPDATE! Also, be sure to read my Alias spec script! It can be found HERE!
