Tenderbear
Scout
<span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>THE TENDER REVIEW</span>
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Last Week on Alias: This week, to the tune of "Happy Birthday," in honor of Weiss' big day. Ahem...
Season four did arrive,
The APO came alive.
Syd and Vaughn went to bed,
and Irina is dead.
Second verse!
Sloane is back as head-dude,
Sydney acts kind of rude.
Nadia comes into play,
and of course, Syd saves the day (and the sword).
HOORAY!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Fade in to Sydney walking and chewing gum at the same time. There's our multitasking little spy girl! Speaking of multitasking... no wait, scratch that... speaking of spy girl, Marshall is right at her side. They walk into bank Stealyabux where they open a new account. Finally, Sydney can know that her Salt 'n Pepa Remix CD previously released in only Luxembourg and the small province of Ngorongoro will be safe! Meanwhile, a British Vaughn walks in and he's a got a bone to pick with Dixon. His femur to be exact. "You stole my bloody fuzzy dice, Dix!" Dixon is offended! He huffs as he brushes aside his long, flowing hair. "I did no such thing!" "You did! They aren't in my car!" "You never had fuzzy dice, you big lug!" "Oh yeah." Thanks to their cunning distraction, Sydney and Marshall are able to break into another safe and steal the combination to a locker containing a never-before-seen episode of "Melrose Place" in which Heather Locklear dies, ticks off Jesus, and is sent back to Earth as an ugly man. Test audiences apparently didn't like the episode, saying that Locklear was an ugly man anyway.
As I wait for us to push through the "O" in "72 Hours Earlier," I am pleasantly surprised that there will be no Time!Warp this eppy.
Into Sydney's log cabin where we find a rockin' party. I mean, what better is there to do than play Hide and I'll Seek You Out and Shoot You Down," "Tag, You're a Dead Man," or "Pin the Tail on the Lauren?" Huh? Syd surely knows how to throw a party, a birthday party, for that matter. Weiss is happily 57 years old this day, and for his presents he receives some more botox, another fake I.D., and an "I'm a Winner Inside" ribbon... what? You mean, that wasn't Weiss' birthday... Oh, that was John Kerry's birthday? My mistake. Weiss receives some cutesy flirtatious time with Nadia and the complete first season of "The Golden Girls."
Alias' new opening theme ROCKS And I mean, like BOULDERS!
Into the APO where we find the Spy Gang discussing their next mission around the table. "We will use Swiffer, then. Pledge Grab-It just doesn't cut it," Sloane decides. Phew! Finally, they can clean up Nadia's shedding problem! They then begin to discuss their next Spy mission. Sloane tells them that someone has stolen a computer containing very secret, dangerous information: the design for the newest Care Bear. Sloane vows, "I will not rest until Snoogly-Woogly is made into a tactile plushie and distributed to the girly youths and very disturbed adults across our great nation!" It's always nice to see our Spy Gang willing to risk their lives for great causes and cuddly toys!
"On the road again... I can't wait to be on the road again!" And my waiting didn't last very long! Driving down Route 66 we find John Kerry, looking very bored. He begins to sob over his sorry career and a showing of "The Notebook" he had just been to, when he accidentally runs into another car, flipping it over and setting it on fire! He drives away, afraid of negative press. (The next day: What would have been "John Kerry Kills Innocent Driver" in the tabloids is "Queen Elizabeth Is Hitler Ressurected" and "Orangutangs are the True Writers of the Constitution." What would we do without the tabloids informing us about what REALLY happens in the world?) Unfortunately, Sydney is the driver of the car. Fortunately, a quite fortunate man sees the unfortunate mess and fortunately attempts to help Sydney out of her unfortunate situation. He barely manages to save her before her car erupts in a firey blast of average special effects. "Thank God I had my Car-Wreck-Proof jacket on," Sydney declares. The man invites her back to his house. Sydney soon learns that her rescuer was none other than Shubert Higgins, the man who stole the Care Bear abundant computer and the co-creator of the loofah. He invites Sydney into his house.
Back at the APO, Jack gives Nadia an asessment test to make sure she's ready to handle whatever comes her way. "And what if you find out one of your partner agents is rogue?" he asks. "I kill them before they do anymore harm." She's good, he thinks as he gears up for the next question. "You're on a mission in Zimbabwe, running from a black ninja, it's 93 degrees outside at 12:02 pm. A llama crosses in front of you. What do you name him?" "Is he white or brown." "Brown." "Long or short nosed?" "Short." "George." "Darn it, you're good!" Jack preps the final question. "There's trouble at the Golden Globes this Sunday and you go to them as an E! correspondant. Who do you dress up as?" She thinks for a moment as she stares him down. "Melissa Rivers." "Wrong! She and Joan now work for TV Guide! How dare you call yourself an agent!" Nadia gets the job after Jack is found by a panel to be unfair and possibly unstable.
Shubert leaves Sydney alone for a moment. There has been an accident at the loofah factory that he must tend to: all the labels say "Loffah." Vaughn hears of Sydney's flirting and becomes insanely jealous. He runs to Higgins' house and attempts to snipe out Sydney. He aims for her and pulls the trigger. "Ow," Sydney shrieks as she is pegged in the chest with a pomegranate seed. "Ha ha," laughs Vaughn. "Even Oxy-Clean won't be able to get that stain out!" "Hey!" she calls back, "This shirt was ten fifty on Ebay!" A stained and shaken Sydney calms herself down to focus on the task at hand. She runs down the stairs and looks around for the stolen computer. She finds the holy grail on his dining room table, the true identity of Jack the Ripper on some paper in a drawer, and Osama Bin Laden hiding in a closet-- you know, nothing that anybody's actually looking for. Finally, she finds the computer next to a copy of "How to Deal for Dummies and Mandy Moore." Just when she thinks she's home free, Higgins comes back, a look of severe anger on his face.
BLACKNESS! Fade in to a bloodied Sydney tied up in a chair. Across from her is Weiss, shocked to see her there. "You tried to steal my computer! That computer is my soul; it's my existence! One day, we will all bow down to the power that will be Snoogly-Woogly, and we will live in his utter, Care Bear greatness!" He approaches her, his insanity becoming more and more clear. "What is your real name?" he asks. "Err..." "Err what?" "Errbody in the club gettin' tipsy!" Suddenly, Weiss and Sydney come untied and attempt to capture a fleeing Higgins. Along the way, they chat. "I blew up the computer, Sydney! I destroyed the computer!" "It's okay. It really wasn't that important. Why are you here, Weiss?" "You kidding? I've always wanted to meet the man who created my favorite bath buddy!" "But Eric, Irina is Nadia's mother!" "Very funny, Sydney."
Sydney follows Higgins into a parking garage where he quickly climbs into an H3 2005 Hummer. "Wait a minute. This isn't mine," he says as he climbs back out and then into the Hot Pink PT Cruiser parked next to it. He attempts to get away, but Sydney flies onto the top of his car and shoots him through the roof. He stops suddenly, causing Sydney to tumble off. She gets up. "Phew. Good thing I was wearing my Falling-off-of-Speeding-Vehicles-Proof Vest!" Higgins is about to shoot her when he gets shot instead. He falls to reveal Nadia holding the gun. She fires several rounds into the dead corpse. "Nadia! What are you doing!?" asks Syd, to which she replies, "This is the man who killed our mother, and sold me these hideous shoes!" Sydney sighs, knowing that only the latter could be true.
Back at the APO, we learn that Weiss has re-joined the Spy Gang and that everybody is just as gleeful as can be. Except for Sloane, of course, who must face with the fact that he will never own a Snoogly-Woogly Care Bear plushie
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Next Week on Alias: Will Nadia learn the true identity of her mother's killer? Will Weiss not fit in with the new APO gang? Will Barbera Streisand make a cameo appearance? You may find out NEXT WEDNESDAY!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thank you for riding Synopsis Airways, please exit to your left and enjoy the review.
Best Part of the Episode: The entire opening sequence was hands down the most fun I've had watching Alias since early Season 2. I mean, those accents? Those hairstyles? Can you get much better? It was a great way to start out the episode, and thank the Lord above there were no following Time!Warps.
Worst Part of the Episode: There was this very quick four minute conversation between Bishop and Sydney that really left me with a bad feeling. It may have been because it was sandwiched between two sets of commercials, but I found this point in the episode to be very disappointing.
Best Aspect of the Episode: Phew! That was a CLOSE one. Weiss has officially joined the APO!
Worst Aspect of the Episode: The ending was incredibly weak with no cliffhanger, and again, none of those Alias-related thought-provoking questions were posed.
The GREAT: The opening sequence (see "Best Part of the Episode"), Marshall (hysterical as usual, and great as a wealthy New-Yorker, I might add), and Sydney (J. Gar. for Golden Globe! All the way!).
The Good: All other characters besides Bishop, Wadia (I'm convinced, I'm a shipper Really cute interactions between these two.), Weiss' party (was it just me, or did it say "Joey's Pizza" on the pizza boxes? LOL!) Sydney v. Bishop in the parking garage
The Okay: Bishop and the whole car crash/house raid mission (not only was it unexciting, but it was inconsistent with the Alias world: see more below)
The Bad: Almost the mission above, but not quite.
Overall Rating: 6.5/10 (Solid, Though Flawed, Hour of TV) - The rating for this eppy would be half a point lower if it weren't for the opening sequence. It started off the episode so promising and exciting. I seriously thought the days of S1 and S2 were finally back! But, the episode slowly declined in quality from that point on. Am I the only one that noticed lots of inconsistencies in this episode? For instance, why did Sydney stick around after Vaughn told her that Bishop found out about the raid? Like Sydney doesn't know how to make her way out of sticky situations? What really made me angry was during Syd's fight with Bishop in the parking garage, why in the name of Jesus did Sydney jump on top of Bishop's car? So what if he gets away? They destroyed the computer and everybody's safe, so why should Sydney risk her life and then almost get shot over absolutely nothing? At least the cool action maneuvers in S1, S2, and even S3 had points to them. Ah well. I seriously hope for the sake of Alias that the quality of the future episodes will be much better. Apparently, J.J. said that Alias will be comprised of "self-contained" episodes throughout S4, a move I far from agree with. I hope that this doesn't mean all episodes will be just a stretched out mission with some dialogue in between as this one was. I hope this doesn't mean we will no longer have puzzling questions encircle our thoughts every episode or have our jaws drop down to floor from shocking revelations and plot twists. But above all, I seriously hope this doesn't mean no more Rambaldi. And thus concludes my rant.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thanks for reading my review, everybody! Make sure to check back next Friday for my review of next week's episode!
Also, if you liked this review, make sure to read ALL THE TENDER REVIEWS by going to my website HERE!
In addition, I would love for some people to check out my ALIAS FANFICS in SCRIPT FORM, also on my website HERE. Very few people have read it, and I did work very hard, so some feedback would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks a lot!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
NEW! Fan of the Week: Here is where I will post whatever respondant to my column flattered me the most with their comments! It's basically just to say thanks to all of my wonderful readers!
This week, Fan of the Week goes to Azalea! Azalea has been a long time reader and fan of my reviews, and this is when I say a GIGANTIC THANK YOU for all of your feedback Make sure to check out Azalea's profile by going HERE!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Last Week on Alias: This week, to the tune of "Happy Birthday," in honor of Weiss' big day. Ahem...
Season four did arrive,
The APO came alive.
Syd and Vaughn went to bed,
and Irina is dead.
Second verse!
Sloane is back as head-dude,
Sydney acts kind of rude.
Nadia comes into play,
and of course, Syd saves the day (and the sword).
HOORAY!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Fade in to Sydney walking and chewing gum at the same time. There's our multitasking little spy girl! Speaking of multitasking... no wait, scratch that... speaking of spy girl, Marshall is right at her side. They walk into bank Stealyabux where they open a new account. Finally, Sydney can know that her Salt 'n Pepa Remix CD previously released in only Luxembourg and the small province of Ngorongoro will be safe! Meanwhile, a British Vaughn walks in and he's a got a bone to pick with Dixon. His femur to be exact. "You stole my bloody fuzzy dice, Dix!" Dixon is offended! He huffs as he brushes aside his long, flowing hair. "I did no such thing!" "You did! They aren't in my car!" "You never had fuzzy dice, you big lug!" "Oh yeah." Thanks to their cunning distraction, Sydney and Marshall are able to break into another safe and steal the combination to a locker containing a never-before-seen episode of "Melrose Place" in which Heather Locklear dies, ticks off Jesus, and is sent back to Earth as an ugly man. Test audiences apparently didn't like the episode, saying that Locklear was an ugly man anyway.
As I wait for us to push through the "O" in "72 Hours Earlier," I am pleasantly surprised that there will be no Time!Warp this eppy.
Into Sydney's log cabin where we find a rockin' party. I mean, what better is there to do than play Hide and I'll Seek You Out and Shoot You Down," "Tag, You're a Dead Man," or "Pin the Tail on the Lauren?" Huh? Syd surely knows how to throw a party, a birthday party, for that matter. Weiss is happily 57 years old this day, and for his presents he receives some more botox, another fake I.D., and an "I'm a Winner Inside" ribbon... what? You mean, that wasn't Weiss' birthday... Oh, that was John Kerry's birthday? My mistake. Weiss receives some cutesy flirtatious time with Nadia and the complete first season of "The Golden Girls."Alias' new opening theme ROCKS And I mean, like BOULDERS!
Into the APO where we find the Spy Gang discussing their next mission around the table. "We will use Swiffer, then. Pledge Grab-It just doesn't cut it," Sloane decides. Phew! Finally, they can clean up Nadia's shedding problem! They then begin to discuss their next Spy mission. Sloane tells them that someone has stolen a computer containing very secret, dangerous information: the design for the newest Care Bear. Sloane vows, "I will not rest until Snoogly-Woogly is made into a tactile plushie and distributed to the girly youths and very disturbed adults across our great nation!" It's always nice to see our Spy Gang willing to risk their lives for great causes and cuddly toys!
"On the road again... I can't wait to be on the road again!" And my waiting didn't last very long! Driving down Route 66 we find John Kerry, looking very bored. He begins to sob over his sorry career and a showing of "The Notebook" he had just been to, when he accidentally runs into another car, flipping it over and setting it on fire! He drives away, afraid of negative press. (The next day: What would have been "John Kerry Kills Innocent Driver" in the tabloids is "Queen Elizabeth Is Hitler Ressurected" and "Orangutangs are the True Writers of the Constitution." What would we do without the tabloids informing us about what REALLY happens in the world?) Unfortunately, Sydney is the driver of the car. Fortunately, a quite fortunate man sees the unfortunate mess and fortunately attempts to help Sydney out of her unfortunate situation. He barely manages to save her before her car erupts in a firey blast of average special effects. "Thank God I had my Car-Wreck-Proof jacket on," Sydney declares. The man invites her back to his house. Sydney soon learns that her rescuer was none other than Shubert Higgins, the man who stole the Care Bear abundant computer and the co-creator of the loofah. He invites Sydney into his house.
Back at the APO, Jack gives Nadia an asessment test to make sure she's ready to handle whatever comes her way. "And what if you find out one of your partner agents is rogue?" he asks. "I kill them before they do anymore harm." She's good, he thinks as he gears up for the next question. "You're on a mission in Zimbabwe, running from a black ninja, it's 93 degrees outside at 12:02 pm. A llama crosses in front of you. What do you name him?" "Is he white or brown." "Brown." "Long or short nosed?" "Short." "George." "Darn it, you're good!" Jack preps the final question. "There's trouble at the Golden Globes this Sunday and you go to them as an E! correspondant. Who do you dress up as?" She thinks for a moment as she stares him down. "Melissa Rivers." "Wrong! She and Joan now work for TV Guide! How dare you call yourself an agent!" Nadia gets the job after Jack is found by a panel to be unfair and possibly unstable.
Shubert leaves Sydney alone for a moment. There has been an accident at the loofah factory that he must tend to: all the labels say "Loffah." Vaughn hears of Sydney's flirting and becomes insanely jealous. He runs to Higgins' house and attempts to snipe out Sydney. He aims for her and pulls the trigger. "Ow," Sydney shrieks as she is pegged in the chest with a pomegranate seed. "Ha ha," laughs Vaughn. "Even Oxy-Clean won't be able to get that stain out!" "Hey!" she calls back, "This shirt was ten fifty on Ebay!" A stained and shaken Sydney calms herself down to focus on the task at hand. She runs down the stairs and looks around for the stolen computer. She finds the holy grail on his dining room table, the true identity of Jack the Ripper on some paper in a drawer, and Osama Bin Laden hiding in a closet-- you know, nothing that anybody's actually looking for. Finally, she finds the computer next to a copy of "How to Deal for Dummies and Mandy Moore." Just when she thinks she's home free, Higgins comes back, a look of severe anger on his face.
BLACKNESS! Fade in to a bloodied Sydney tied up in a chair. Across from her is Weiss, shocked to see her there. "You tried to steal my computer! That computer is my soul; it's my existence! One day, we will all bow down to the power that will be Snoogly-Woogly, and we will live in his utter, Care Bear greatness!" He approaches her, his insanity becoming more and more clear. "What is your real name?" he asks. "Err..." "Err what?" "Errbody in the club gettin' tipsy!" Suddenly, Weiss and Sydney come untied and attempt to capture a fleeing Higgins. Along the way, they chat. "I blew up the computer, Sydney! I destroyed the computer!" "It's okay. It really wasn't that important. Why are you here, Weiss?" "You kidding? I've always wanted to meet the man who created my favorite bath buddy!" "But Eric, Irina is Nadia's mother!" "Very funny, Sydney."
Sydney follows Higgins into a parking garage where he quickly climbs into an H3 2005 Hummer. "Wait a minute. This isn't mine," he says as he climbs back out and then into the Hot Pink PT Cruiser parked next to it. He attempts to get away, but Sydney flies onto the top of his car and shoots him through the roof. He stops suddenly, causing Sydney to tumble off. She gets up. "Phew. Good thing I was wearing my Falling-off-of-Speeding-Vehicles-Proof Vest!" Higgins is about to shoot her when he gets shot instead. He falls to reveal Nadia holding the gun. She fires several rounds into the dead corpse. "Nadia! What are you doing!?" asks Syd, to which she replies, "This is the man who killed our mother, and sold me these hideous shoes!" Sydney sighs, knowing that only the latter could be true.
Back at the APO, we learn that Weiss has re-joined the Spy Gang and that everybody is just as gleeful as can be. Except for Sloane, of course, who must face with the fact that he will never own a Snoogly-Woogly Care Bear plushie
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Next Week on Alias: Will Nadia learn the true identity of her mother's killer? Will Weiss not fit in with the new APO gang? Will Barbera Streisand make a cameo appearance? You may find out NEXT WEDNESDAY!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thank you for riding Synopsis Airways, please exit to your left and enjoy the review.
Best Part of the Episode: The entire opening sequence was hands down the most fun I've had watching Alias since early Season 2. I mean, those accents? Those hairstyles? Can you get much better? It was a great way to start out the episode, and thank the Lord above there were no following Time!Warps.
Worst Part of the Episode: There was this very quick four minute conversation between Bishop and Sydney that really left me with a bad feeling. It may have been because it was sandwiched between two sets of commercials, but I found this point in the episode to be very disappointing.
Best Aspect of the Episode: Phew! That was a CLOSE one. Weiss has officially joined the APO!
Worst Aspect of the Episode: The ending was incredibly weak with no cliffhanger, and again, none of those Alias-related thought-provoking questions were posed.
The GREAT: The opening sequence (see "Best Part of the Episode"), Marshall (hysterical as usual, and great as a wealthy New-Yorker, I might add), and Sydney (J. Gar. for Golden Globe! All the way!).
The Good: All other characters besides Bishop, Wadia (I'm convinced, I'm a shipper
Really cute interactions between these two.), Weiss' party (was it just me, or did it say "Joey's Pizza" on the pizza boxes? LOL!) Sydney v. Bishop in the parking garageThe Okay: Bishop and the whole car crash/house raid mission (not only was it unexciting, but it was inconsistent with the Alias world: see more below)
The Bad: Almost the mission above, but not quite.
Overall Rating: 6.5/10 (Solid, Though Flawed, Hour of TV) - The rating for this eppy would be half a point lower if it weren't for the opening sequence. It started off the episode so promising and exciting. I seriously thought the days of S1 and S2 were finally back! But, the episode slowly declined in quality from that point on. Am I the only one that noticed lots of inconsistencies in this episode? For instance, why did Sydney stick around after Vaughn told her that Bishop found out about the raid? Like Sydney doesn't know how to make her way out of sticky situations? What really made me angry was during Syd's fight with Bishop in the parking garage, why in the name of Jesus did Sydney jump on top of Bishop's car? So what if he gets away? They destroyed the computer and everybody's safe, so why should Sydney risk her life and then almost get shot over absolutely nothing? At least the cool action maneuvers in S1, S2, and even S3 had points to them. Ah well. I seriously hope for the sake of Alias that the quality of the future episodes will be much better. Apparently, J.J. said that Alias will be comprised of "self-contained" episodes throughout S4, a move I far from agree with. I hope that this doesn't mean all episodes will be just a stretched out mission with some dialogue in between as this one was. I hope this doesn't mean we will no longer have puzzling questions encircle our thoughts every episode or have our jaws drop down to floor from shocking revelations and plot twists. But above all, I seriously hope this doesn't mean no more Rambaldi. And thus concludes my rant.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thanks for reading my review, everybody! Make sure to check back next Friday for my review of next week's episode!
Also, if you liked this review, make sure to read ALL THE TENDER REVIEWS by going to my website HERE!
In addition, I would love for some people to check out my ALIAS FANFICS in SCRIPT FORM, also on my website HERE. Very few people have read it, and I did work very hard, so some feedback would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks a lot!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
NEW! Fan of the Week: Here is where I will post whatever respondant to my column flattered me the most with their comments!
It's basically just to say thanks to all of my wonderful readers!This week, Fan of the Week goes to Azalea! Azalea has been a long time reader and fan of my reviews, and this is when I say a GIGANTIC THANK YOU for all of your feedback
Make sure to check out Azalea's profile by going HERE!
YAAAAAAAY!
lol!