i'm an aliasaholic
Cadet
Compiled by Louise and Sam. ETA: and loadsa other English people on the boards- or should I say Britishers 
1.we all live off scones and tea( with jam and cream if we’re feeling greedy)
2.all food is served on paper doilies (or cloth if you’re really rich)
3.There are only two sorts of accents; plumy and cockney (and cockney rhyming slang is still in common use)
4.we all live in tweed
5.we all have red cheeks
6.There is no such place as Devonshire- it's called Devon and how would you like it if we tacked a shire on to all your place names? Texashire? New Yorkshire?
7.We owe the lovely Americans everything
8.even though they have stolen all of our town names (which by the way just because you add a “new” to the name doesn't mean we don't notice you have stolen our names)
*coughNew Hampshirecough*
9.Note:
aluminium – pronounced alu-min-e-um
Route – pronounced root not roat
Via- Via not vea
10.we really do like the letter "u"
11.We all have very bad teeth
12.spiffing, topping or ripping are how good should really be said
some common british phrases for next time you visit:
jolly good old fellow/ old bean /old chap
Blimy govner that’s a but ‘arsh ain’t it?
Would you like sugar with that?
I’ll just take 40 winks
I’ve just got to spend a penny
Is this the queue for… the loo/ public conveniences/ the bus/ the tea trolley?
13.it always rains here, even in the summer and this means we are always wearing duffle coats
14.we're not really metric, it's all a pretence. We really work in feet, yards and inches, and pounds and stones (really!)
15.marmite is clearly very yummy
16.as are sherbet lemons, jaffa cakes, liquorish allsorts, dolly mixture and jelly babies
17.there actually is a platform 9 3/4 at Kings cross (and I'm serious they made one)
18.we all know prince William
19.and Harry who is obviously the clean cut of the two
20.black taxis are taxis not cabs
21.we all live in the middle of fields and ride horses
22.roundabouts are wonderful although a little tricky on horseback
23.all the trains are steam powered
24.everyone knows everyone, since it is such a small country, therefore we undoubtly know that person you met on holiday who’s surname you can’t remember
25.England is a sporting nation: We know how to lose gracefully
26.cricket is all we do, everyone turns out to watch when we play
27.As with tennis
28.Rugby is far better than what you American call “football” as the players are clearly not nancies who need mountains of padding
29.Football is played where rugby isn’t and has a far better name than soccer
30.we all drive minis (when the horse is on holiday)
31.if we're not driving our minis then we take a red double-decker bus (because they can be found all over the country and not just in London, you know they actually put a red double-decker in oxford in ALIAS )
32.if you go to the beach it's the law to knot a hanky and put it on your head (as everyone carries a hanky at all times- just in case) then men must wear trousers rolled up to their calfs and women must wear this weird striped bathing suit
33.bowler hats are common- for men obviously bonnets for girls
34.we all live in the pub
35.the pub or the working men's club
36.of course...women are all housewives
37.it's illegal for a woman over the age of 50 to wear trousers- only ill-fitting skirts often in navy if not tweed
38.and pants are underwhere- which clearly we would never talk about in public (of course...they are the unmentionables)
39.we are all very nervous and shy about sex
40.we are all very conservative
41.obviously, that's why we have the BBC
42.Oxbridge is not actually a real city...
43.London and oxford are the ONLY cities in England...everywhere else is countryside
44.the famous five are really children and we all have an aunt called fanny and drink lashings of ginger bear
45.we all run around and get into 'mischief' when we are kids- but do it in a good fun way
46.queuing is a national hobby sometimes we just do it for fun
47.the men are all like Hugh Grant or Colin firth
48.Sark's accent doesn't actually sound like it comes from somewhere in England- it's from Holywoodland
49.The UK is actually made up of 4 countries
50.There are dragons in whales- that's why it's on the flag
51.in Merry Poppins Dick Van Dike sounds exactly like a Londoner
52.Policemen walk around the street in those big hats carrying truncheons and we call them bobbies (actually true) or coppers...
53.Those period dramas are real- personally I do enjoy a good ball and a ramble in the country side with Mr Darcy
54.a ramble is a kind of walk, like a stroll, and wherever you are going you can “pop” there “I’m just popping into town”, “I’m just popping to the shops”
55. you’re not ill you’re feeling peaky and even if you are you don’t take time off work.
56. all English are lightweights
57. we have no other jams except marmalade
and if we have that it is homemade- you can't buy it in the shops
58. we've all met the queen and yes her skirt always blows up
59. we all stick our little fingers (pinkies) out when we drink tea
60. it is illegal to put your elbows on a table ("all joints on the table shall be carved")
61. we like to dance in the rain around lamposts
62. we can all play polo
63. our sole footwear is wellies. (that's welingtons to you other people)
64. all women weekly bake cakes for the local church and or W/I
65. all male bosses are ancient molesters
66. we're addicted to saying sorry, we say it all the time and it has practically replaced the words excuse me
67. Everyone smiles at everyone else even if you've never met them (which as we've established is unlikely as everyone know everyone)
i) Amendment:
People in towns smile at each other whenever they pass
People in cities smile at each other unless it's london where only people who have come from towns smile at each other.
people in vilages will not only smile at you but greet you by name, if they don't know your name they will inquire as to whom you are staying with/visiting and by the end of the conversation they will know not only your name but also your shoe size and you will probably have an invite to tea with aunt murtle on sunday
67. ii) Everyone has an Aunt Murtle( or it is possible they've changed their name to Dot, Lill or Marge,) somewhere in the family. They're the ones at family gettogethers that pinch your cheaks try to sit you oon their knee and tell you stories about when you were a baby that they've told you a hundred time before you manage to slip away and tell your cousin Aunty Dot thinks you're her again.
68. Children are trained in the art of keeping a stiff upper lip.
69. Etiquette is on the national curriculum
70. The entire population comprises of butlers and evil persons. Or evil butlers. Why do you think we are always portrayed that way in TV and films...
71. Every person claiming to be british can be tested by the length of their ears
72. Commonlaw states that when dinning with Grandparents it is compulsery to tell a joke and/or annecdote in order to gain permission to get down from the table. (There is a small fine charged to every child who refuses) Honest! ask Jai or Louise!
73. we always eat with napkins ranging from paper ones with floral motifes to the highest quality imported silk ones with napkin holders (please note: the term serveatte" is generally though of as vulger and should not be used in polite society)
74. we always have candlelight dinners
75. all butlers are of course called Alfred or Willbert
76. all our spies are clones of the current 007 (covert huh??)
1.we all live off scones and tea( with jam and cream if we’re feeling greedy)
2.all food is served on paper doilies (or cloth if you’re really rich)
3.There are only two sorts of accents; plumy and cockney (and cockney rhyming slang is still in common use)
4.we all live in tweed
5.we all have red cheeks
6.There is no such place as Devonshire- it's called Devon and how would you like it if we tacked a shire on to all your place names? Texashire? New Yorkshire?
7.We owe the lovely Americans everything
8.even though they have stolen all of our town names (which by the way just because you add a “new” to the name doesn't mean we don't notice you have stolen our names)
*coughNew Hampshirecough*
9.Note:
aluminium – pronounced alu-min-e-um
Route – pronounced root not roat
Via- Via not vea
10.we really do like the letter "u"
11.We all have very bad teeth
12.spiffing, topping or ripping are how good should really be said
some common british phrases for next time you visit:
jolly good old fellow/ old bean /old chap
Blimy govner that’s a but ‘arsh ain’t it?
Would you like sugar with that?
I’ll just take 40 winks
I’ve just got to spend a penny
Is this the queue for… the loo/ public conveniences/ the bus/ the tea trolley?
13.it always rains here, even in the summer and this means we are always wearing duffle coats
14.we're not really metric, it's all a pretence. We really work in feet, yards and inches, and pounds and stones (really!)
15.marmite is clearly very yummy
16.as are sherbet lemons, jaffa cakes, liquorish allsorts, dolly mixture and jelly babies
17.there actually is a platform 9 3/4 at Kings cross (and I'm serious they made one)
18.we all know prince William
19.and Harry who is obviously the clean cut of the two
20.black taxis are taxis not cabs
21.we all live in the middle of fields and ride horses
22.roundabouts are wonderful although a little tricky on horseback
23.all the trains are steam powered
24.everyone knows everyone, since it is such a small country, therefore we undoubtly know that person you met on holiday who’s surname you can’t remember
25.England is a sporting nation: We know how to lose gracefully
26.cricket is all we do, everyone turns out to watch when we play
27.As with tennis
28.Rugby is far better than what you American call “football” as the players are clearly not nancies who need mountains of padding
29.Football is played where rugby isn’t and has a far better name than soccer
30.we all drive minis (when the horse is on holiday)
31.if we're not driving our minis then we take a red double-decker bus (because they can be found all over the country and not just in London, you know they actually put a red double-decker in oxford in ALIAS
)32.if you go to the beach it's the law to knot a hanky and put it on your head (as everyone carries a hanky at all times- just in case) then men must wear trousers rolled up to their calfs and women must wear this weird striped bathing suit
33.bowler hats are common- for men obviously bonnets for girls
34.we all live in the pub
35.the pub or the working men's club
36.of course...women are all housewives
37.it's illegal for a woman over the age of 50 to wear trousers- only ill-fitting skirts often in navy if not tweed
38.and pants are underwhere- which clearly we would never talk about in public (of course...they are the unmentionables)
39.we are all very nervous and shy about sex
40.we are all very conservative
41.obviously, that's why we have the BBC
42.Oxbridge is not actually a real city...
43.London and oxford are the ONLY cities in England...everywhere else is countryside
44.the famous five are really children and we all have an aunt called fanny and drink lashings of ginger bear
45.we all run around and get into 'mischief' when we are kids- but do it in a good fun way
46.queuing is a national hobby sometimes we just do it for fun
47.the men are all like Hugh Grant or Colin firth
48.Sark's accent doesn't actually sound like it comes from somewhere in England- it's from Holywoodland
49.The UK is actually made up of 4 countries
50.There are dragons in whales- that's why it's on the flag
51.in Merry Poppins Dick Van Dike sounds exactly like a Londoner
52.Policemen walk around the street in those big hats carrying truncheons and we call them bobbies (actually true) or coppers...
53.Those period dramas are real- personally I do enjoy a good ball and a ramble in the country side with Mr Darcy
54.a ramble is a kind of walk, like a stroll, and wherever you are going you can “pop” there “I’m just popping into town”, “I’m just popping to the shops”
55. you’re not ill you’re feeling peaky and even if you are you don’t take time off work.
56. all English are lightweights
57. we have no other jams except marmalade
and if we have that it is homemade- you can't buy it in the shops
58. we've all met the queen and yes her skirt always blows up
59. we all stick our little fingers (pinkies) out when we drink tea
60. it is illegal to put your elbows on a table ("all joints on the table shall be carved")
61. we like to dance in the rain around lamposts
62. we can all play polo
63. our sole footwear is wellies. (that's welingtons to you other people)
64. all women weekly bake cakes for the local church and or W/I
65. all male bosses are ancient molesters
66. we're addicted to saying sorry, we say it all the time and it has practically replaced the words excuse me
67. Everyone smiles at everyone else even if you've never met them (which as we've established is unlikely as everyone know everyone)
i) Amendment:
People in towns smile at each other whenever they pass
People in cities smile at each other unless it's london where only people who have come from towns smile at each other.
people in vilages will not only smile at you but greet you by name, if they don't know your name they will inquire as to whom you are staying with/visiting and by the end of the conversation they will know not only your name but also your shoe size and you will probably have an invite to tea with aunt murtle on sunday
67. ii) Everyone has an Aunt Murtle( or it is possible they've changed their name to Dot, Lill or Marge,) somewhere in the family. They're the ones at family gettogethers that pinch your cheaks try to sit you oon their knee and tell you stories about when you were a baby that they've told you a hundred time before you manage to slip away and tell your cousin Aunty Dot thinks you're her again.
68. Children are trained in the art of keeping a stiff upper lip.
69. Etiquette is on the national curriculum
70. The entire population comprises of butlers and evil persons. Or evil butlers. Why do you think we are always portrayed that way in TV and films...
71. Every person claiming to be british can be tested by the length of their ears
72. Commonlaw states that when dinning with Grandparents it is compulsery to tell a joke and/or annecdote in order to gain permission to get down from the table. (There is a small fine charged to every child who refuses) Honest! ask Jai or Louise!
73. we always eat with napkins ranging from paper ones with floral motifes to the highest quality imported silk ones with napkin holders (please note: the term serveatte" is generally though of as vulger and should not be used in polite society)
74. we always have candlelight dinners
75. all butlers are of course called Alfred or Willbert
76. all our spies are clones of the current 007 (covert huh??)
