Yesterday

S

Sydney47

Cadet
A/N: Hi, I'm a new member here. I've posted this story at other places, so I thought I'd give this board a shot. I used a bit of Evanescence's "Hello" in this chapter. This is Syd's POV. Reviews would be greatly appreciated.


Yesterday

Words are worthless. They have no real meaning. That's a startling revelation to come to someone with a graduate degree in literature. No words can possibly convey my feelings at this moment. The words that describe my present life make no sense. 'You were dead.' How can words mean anything when they spell out a sentence like that? I'm not dead. I never was dead. I'm still here. All that's left of yesterday. I'm so alive that sometimes I wish I was dead. It is amazing how much pain life has to offer. But I will endure the pain as long as there is a glimmer of hope for it all to end, and for a future with Vaughn. Even now, especially now, memories of him and that warehouse still reassure me. 'It will end.'

Words are empty. All of those lies I had to tell Will and Francie for so many years were only horribly failed attempts at protecting them. What did they accomplish? Francie is dead, and Will is in Wisconsin. All those empty words were full of betrayal and deceit and good intentions that ended badly.

Words are unreal. Granted they can soothe and calm, pierce and injure. But they cannot define real emotion, the emotion that has been tearing my life apart. The happiness and hurt, the love and loss.

The true happiness and love in my life, however brief, was being with Vaughn. Our feelings for each other were too strong to be bound by words. Never when we were together did either of us say 'I love you,' but I know that I loved him more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. I still do. Words were not needed to convey to each other what we felt, whether it was love or anger or hurt or desire or...anything. Our bodies, minds, and souls fit together so perfectly, so indescribably as one that I would lose all coherent thought. It was only us. I hope that one day it can be again.

It is nearly impossible to count the instances of hurt and loss in my life, instances that felt interminable, that were so painful and torturous as to make me forget what happiness was like. Finding Danny dead, discovering that my work with SD-6 for seven years was a lie, meeting my mother the Russian spy, remembering being programmed by my own father, realizing Francie was dead, finding Will bleeding to death, having to become Julia Thorne, seeing Vaughn with Lauren - nine months is apparently not nothing, the list goes on. Despite everything, I'm still here, all that's left of yesterday.

I wish I could return to yesterday, to a time when I knew what was heads or tails of my life, to a time before I was Julia Thorne, to a time when Vaughn still had faith in us. Sometimes at night I dream of us still together. We would be in Santa Barbra...

The cloudless midnight sky was a beautiful deep purple glittered with yellow stars that twinkled merrily. A breeze was blowing lightly that caressed Sydney and Vaughn as they strolled along the beach hand in hand, and the moist sand squished between their toes. The only sound was that of the waves softly crashing against the shore. It was as if the world knew that it was witnessing a miraculous true love and looked on in respectful awe.

Soon, in unspoken agreement, they stopped walking and sat down in the sand where the waves would just reach their feet, their hands never separating. Sydney lied down on her back, bringing Vaughn down with her lying on his side facing her. He reached over to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, and she smiled at his action.

"Syd, I..."

"I know, Vaughn. I do too."

Sydney had been denied love too many times in her life; she thought that if she did not verbalize this one, this unmistakably powerful soul-binding one, the powers that be would allow her to experience it in all of its glory.

Vaughn stroked her cheek and leaned down to kiss her. She met him halfway in a warm, passionate embrace that said more than words ever could. The gentle wind and soft waves serenaded them and whispered to each the feelings the other could not articulate. Suddenly, a large wave landed against the shore and washed under Sydney and Vaughn who were still lost in sweet abandon. Neither of them noticed the frigid water; the heat between them was too great to be disturbed. Nothing else mattered, nothing else existed. It was only them.

Then I wake and wish I did not. I wish I could return to my dreams of just him and me, of just us. But all that's left of yesterday is just me.
 
A/N: Thanks for the response Alias Fan Gillian! I was going to wait to post more of the story, but I'm too impatient, so here you go. There's a tiny bit of Dido's "White Flag" in here. It's Syd's POV.


Another Day

It's another day, another day that's not yesterday. As I lie awake in reality, I cannot think of any place that I would rather be than back in my fantasy. If I close my eyes and lie still, I can catch fragments remaining of my dreams that have not yet slipped into oblivion.

He is lying beside me, and I revel in the sound of his light breathing against the pillow we are sharing. We are wrapped in each other, hugged closely together, legs hopelessly tangled so that I cannot tell which are mine and which are his. I have never been more comfortable than I am now. We are two halves of a perfect whole, something seemingly divine connects us, we were made to fit together; it is as simple as that.

It is so simple, it is a wonder we let the complications of our lives keep us apart for so long. The ridiculous situations we were thrust into - me becoming a double agent, us not being able to even look at each other in public, having to meet in a dark warehouse where only boxes and dust were witnesses to our growing bond - all fade into trivial nothings now that he is next to me, touching me.

I take this quiet moment to study his dozing form. The pale moonlight streaks in from the dark window illuminating his body in a godly hue. He is perfection incarnate. He is everything I could ever want. Worry is absent from his features, and his gentle smile continues to soothe me. He is at peace with me, and I with him.

I reach up to stroke his hair, and he sighs contentedly as he unconsciously leans into my hand. As I continue, he gradually wakes and I lose myself in his endless green pools. They seem to reach a place deep inside me, deeper than I knew existed, as if they are trying to capture the center of my being, and they invite me to capture his. I do so willingly, and I feel a spark in my soul that radiates throughout my body.

"Do you feel that, Vaughn?" I ask quietly.

He answers without hesitation, without a question of what I mean.

"Yes, Sydney, I feel you."

I nod and smile as I close what little space remains between us and kiss him. I take his cheeks in my hands, needing to feel every part of him, needing to let him know how much I love him being a part of me.

We part for a momentary breath of air, but this moment is much too long, so we decide to breathe each other instead. Our eyes never close, because what fantasy could be better than this? What could be better than the sight of his eyes staring a path into my heart, the smell of his skin driving me wild, or the taste of his mouth leaving me breathless? Only a lifetime of more of the same and then an eternity together afterward could out-do this moment.

As we continue our explorations of each other, our faces locked together, his hands tangled in my hair, mine never leaving his cheeks, our centers of existance combining into one, I am hit with a startlingly natural realization: 'I am in love with Michael Vaughn and I always will be.'

I reluctantly open my eyes to another day of him not beside me, to another day when my only solace comes from memories of his arms around me. The harsh sunlight has banished the soothing darkness, the darkness where Vaughn can enter my dreams and chase away my fears of life without him. I have found comfort in the night when our bright souls join the heavenly bodies of the moon and stars to illuminate the world. The night eventually fades, but my dreams never will.

I can still feel his presence; my dreams have bled into my reality. They hurt me, mock me. They show me what I once had, what I will never have again. I do not allow myself to believe these thoughts for long, however. I bite my lip in determination to keep the tears at bay as I try to come to terms with what life has dealt me. While a part of me believes that I am in denial - the weary, beaten part of me that has had my heart ripped out of my chest and stomped to the ground, the other part - the part that has risen time and time again from momentary defeat only to grow stronger, more determined to survive - knows that Vaughn and I will return to each other again. It is only a matter of time before this truth is brought to light and I will not have to live in darkness any longer.

"We'll find each other. We always find each other," I whisper to him, for I know that his soul can hear mine cry out to it. I am still in love with Michael Vaughn and I always will be.
 
A/N: Syd's POV.


Together

Another day, another dollar. Well, with everything that I have to deal with, it should be more like, "Another day, another million dollars." Even that amount could not entice me to enjoy my life. Nothing is worth anything without Vaughn.

I sigh heavily as I flop down on my couch after a trying day. Is it not enough that I have to see Vaughn with Lauren everyday, but that I have to see him with her in the "flirting corner?" It used to be our flirting corner, where ever since he made clear his feelings for me, we would make sure to run into each other for a few moments each day to be away from everything that was not him and me. They were cherished moments of calming reassurances that we would find Sloane, and later my mother, and bring them to justice. They were moments of tender declarations of love through touch and kiss, rather than words. Everyone in the office must have at some time been audience to our display. We didn't care. The people and walls around us faded away, and we were each other's world.

To have sweet memories as those turned sour by her makes my stomach churn. I curse as jealosy floods my mind, washing away the blissful thoughts of the past. But, as much as I want to, I cannot blame her for this mess. Who wouldn't fall in love with Michael Vaughn given the chance? But then again, how can anyone stand in the way of obvious soulmates? I know we make each other complete because I can feel myself slowly crumbling apart without him.

"I need you, Vaughn," I whisper to the darkness. "Can't you feel how much I need you?"

My heart is weeping, but I do not allow a tear to escape. I cannot, for if I do, nothing will be able to stop the powerful stream from flowing, bursting through the walls that I have so carefully built up since my return, leading down into the bottomless pit of depression and despair. I swallow hard as I struggle to keep my resolve. 'I will not cry.'

Emotional exhaustion is wearing on me, and I allow myself to drift off to Vaughn in my dreams.

The warm fire crackles softly in the dim cabin. But its heat is nothing compared to that which is building inside of me simply because I am in the presence of Vaughn. We are lying together on the couch, my head pillowed on my hands on his chest where I can feel his heart beating strongly, his head nestled in my hair. His arms are wrapped protectively around my stomach as we watch the fire in silence. A blizzard is blowing outside, howling in fury, but we pay it no heed as we stoke the quietly growing fire in each other.

"I never want this to end," I whisper longingly, so softly that I don't think he hears me.

He doesn't need to.

"It never will," he answers in equal volume.

I giggle as I feel his beating heart increase its rate when he answers. He smiles into my hair as he presses a kiss to the top of my head.

"You do that to me, Sydney," he breathes.

"You do the same to me, Vaughn," I respond, feeling I have never spoken anything more sincere in my life.

His hand slides up my body until it reaches mine still resting on his chest. He takes it and we thread our fingers together. He holds our joined hands up with our elbows resting on the couch so that they are framed by nothing but the fire in front of us.

"This is us, Syd. Together, we are strong. Together, our fire will not burn out."

"Together," I echo. "Forever."

His hand squeezes mine and the fire pops loudly as both it and the fire inside of us hungrily devour more fuel, the fuel that is never completely consumed to leave ashes in its wake. The fuel is forever replenished and it keeps the fire blazing and our hearts beating in unison, in time to the flicker of its flames.

Again, I wake all too soon and remind myself that I cannot live in fantasy forever. I know in my heart that someday I won't have to. Until then, I can keep dreaming.
 
A/N: Syd's POV. There's a small spoiler from "After Six."


Alone

'Why can't it always be like this?' I wonder to myself as I prepare dinner. The normality of this night is simply comforting. There are no top secret meetings, no preparations for a clandestine mission, no stolen, longing glances, no cell phones or pagers to interrupt the quiet peace.

The boiling soup and simmering pasta on the stove fill the kitchen with a fragrance that says "home," as music drifts leisurely from the stereo. Vaughn is in his usual spot, leaning against the counter, eyes never leaving my form. I can feel his gaze pour into me, examining the true me for the first time. I allow him to do so with all of my defenses down, nothing keeping him from seeing who I really am. I have waited too long for this moment when I could feel as comfortable trusting another person as I would myself. It is the most wonderful feeling knowing that I am not alone.

"Dinner's almost ready," I announce as I set the table. He offered to help earlier, but I refused to allow him. It was his birthday, after all. I light a single candle in the center of the table. I frown slightly as wax already begins to drip, quickly tumbling down before dinner has even started.

"Don't worry, Syd," Vaughn says from his perch on the counter. "It will be all right."

"I know," I say, my eyes softening as they meet his.

I dish out a bowl of soup for each of us, and we sit at the table. A light breeze floats in from an open window, the air cooling the warm temperature of the kitchen, and making the candle light flicker.

"Happy birthday," I say, smiling as I raise my glass of wine.

"Thank you. It's the best one ever," he smiles back as we clink our glasses together.

We eat in comfortable silence for a few minutes until Vaughn says, "You're beautiful, Syd."

I look at him, somewhat surprised by his sudden declaration. "Thanks, Vaughn," I say blushing slightly.

Before I can say anything else, he continues, "I mean, everything about you, Syd. Your strength is amazing. Even after SD-6, and Sloane, and your mother, and everything else, you're still able to find a way to share a taste of happiness with another person, with me. Thank you for letting me see you, Syd, the real you."

Tears prick at my eyes as he finishes. I reach for his hand and clasp it tightly in mine. "You make me strong, Vaughn. I never would have gotten this far without you. I never want to go any further without you. I need you."

He reaches his other hand up to my face to brush away the tears as they trickle down.

"You have me. I am yours," he whispers.

Suddenly, a gust of wind bursts through the window, extinguishing the candle's flame in an instant, throwing us into a world of darkness - a world without hope as our light leading the way to each other, a world in which we must stumble our way around, going in endless circles, grasping blindly, desperately for our missing half.

"Syd...Syd..."

"Syd!"

Startled, I look up from my desk to see Vaughn staring inquisitvely at me, looking like he has been trying to get my attention for several minutes.

"Are you all right?" he asks when I look at him, worry evident on his brow.

"Of course. I'm fine," I answer automatically. I can tell he doesn't buy it, but he doesn't press me further.

"We have a meeting in five minutes."

"Ok, I'll be right there." He nods and walks away.

'OfcourseI'mfineOfcourseI'mfine.' The words blur and don't make sense. They mean nothing. They meant nothing.

I am not fine, and he knows that. The defenses have been resurrected, walls so thick and high and long as to be impenetrable; the guards Coldness, Detachment, and Insincerity keeping wary watch for any cracks in compartmentalization. They keep Trust prisoner, locked away in the steadily growing darkness of my heart, preventing it from finding its home in Vaughn where it should be.

I am alone, and I can't let him know that. I will put on a smiling facade when necessary, be civil with him and his wife, and never say anything that will jeopardize his marriage. 'I will not be the other woman. Not ever.'
 
A/N: Syd's POV.


The Future

A knock at the door turns my nervous anticipation into giddy excitement. 'It's him,' I know, but I decide to tease him a little.

"Who is it?" I ask innocently, my hands placed on the door - the only barrier to my future, the key to which is standing outside.

"It's me," responds a voice that I would know anywhere, a voice that adds more meaning to words than they would otherwise have.

I open the door to greet Vaughn who is grinning from ear to ear, eyes gleaming. His smile only grows wider and eyes brighter when he asks, "Are you ready?"

My dimples dip ever further into my cheeks as I answer, "Yeah. Come on in while I grab my stuff."

When I come back to him, suitcase in hand, Vaughn is looking around the livingroom in wonder. "I like your new couch," he says.

"Thanks," I smile. "I checked the forecast for tomorrow. The weather's beautiful in Santa Barbra."

"You're beautiful," he says sincerely, the fire in his eyes showing me that while the words may seem trivial after being spoken so many times, the feelings behind them are as strong as ever.

I drop the suitcase filled with accessories for our three-night escape from the all-too-real world. The case is unnecessary; he is all that I will ever need.

His hands come to rest on my waist as I reach mine around his neck and thread my fingers in his hair. Our kiss is initially sweet and light, but it quickly becomes passionate and devouring, like tasting a forbidden fruit for the first time every time. When I feel his hands begin to sink lower, my mind and heart pull me in different directions, the former telling me we need to leave now or we never will, the latter not caring to ever leave this embrace.

"Vaughn," I murmur, "We...should...go. Santa Barbra."

"We'll go tommorow," he breathes just as heavily.

He lifts me suddenly, one arm under my legs, the other around my back, my head tucked into his neck, and he leads the way to my room down the hall. There is a knock at my door, but we ignore it. Whoever is outside, though, doesn't seem to get the hint as the sound continues...

A loud knocking at my door jolts me awake. I turn on my side to face the clock beside my bed. '1:34' the red numbers glare back at me. Who would be pounding on my door in the middle of the night? It can't be Weiss drunkenly coming to tell me about his latest horrible blind date - he's at a conference in London. I throw on a robe and grab my gun for good measure, although certainly anyone trying to kill me or take me hostage would make less noise than that continuous racket.

"Who is it?" I ask cautiously as I reach the door.

"It's me," a tired, unmistakable voice answers. 'I would know that voice anywhere...'

I open the door, and sure enough, Vaughn is before me, leaning against the door jamb.

"Vaughn, what are you doing here?" I ask, squinting as my eyes adjust to the light I switched on. Has time once again decided to play yo-yo with my sanity and thrown me back into the past?

"I had to see you," he sighs. The smell of alcohol spilling forth from his breath abruptly answers my second question, 'No.'

Ignoring my self-preservational instincts screaming at me "DEFENSE SYSTEMS ALERT," I let him in.

He stumbles forward through the entryway until he supports himself by bracing his arms against the back of my couch.

"Vaughn, did you drive here?" I ask worriedly, knowing that if he did in his current state, he would have taken out a couple of mailboxes on the way.

"No, no, I took a cab. My car's in the shop," he pauses as he takes in a deep breath. "That's why I'm here."

"What?" I ask, confused, unable to decipher his words.

"Lauren...she, she was taking my car to be fixed...and she found it. God, I swear I didn't know it was still in there until tonight! She didn't believe me. My own wife doesn't believe me!" His body is sagging against the couch, defeated.

'His wife,' the words pierce me. I push the thought quickly away and turn my attention back to Vaughn. "What are you talking about?" I ask calmly, slowly.

"She found this," he says as he pulls a small photo out of his pocket and hands it to me. "Do you remember, Syd? Do you remember that evening..."

The sun was setting on the lake, casting shimmering yellow onto the deep blue. The sky was a myriad of oranges and pinks, the few clouds catching the fading sunlight and changing its hue into a spectacular show of color. A few other people were still on dock along with Vaughn and me, quietly witnessing the coming of night.

We were in Brittany, France after a successful meeting with someone who could provide the CIA with intel on the whereabouts of my mother. Once the mission was completed, Vaughn had insisted that we drive to this lake. I didn't argue; I would have followed him anywhere.

We were standing together, my back against him so that both of us were facing the water, his arms draped over my shoulders holding me close. He broke the relative silence after several minutes.

"I'm so glad that meeting ended early. I didn't want to miss the chance of watching the sunset with you here," Vaughn whispered into my ear. "You know, my parents took me here one summer when I was a kid. We were staying in a cottage just little ways north, and every morning, my father and I would come down to this lake to fish. We would come back down with my mother at night, and all three of us would sit at the end of this dock and watch the setting sun. Then my mother would sing about the stars as I fell asleep in her arms. It was wonderful."

I turned around in his arms to face him as I said, "Vaughn, I'm so sorry about your family. My mother, she --"

"No, Syd," he interrupted. "Don't be sorry. Don't ever be sorry for her. Don't let what happened then taint what we have now. That's why I brought you here, Syd, to show you that we can always make our future better than our past."

"Thank you, Vaughn. Thank you for showing me the real you."

We were smiling into each other as our lips met. All of my unfounded guilt melted away in the heat of our union. After a blissful breathless moment that felt like it had neither beginning nor end, our lips parted, but our hearts did not, and we rested our foreheads together, neither one of us breaking our smiles.

Vaughn suddenly turned his head to the last person left on the dock besides us. "Excusez-moi, monsieur. Pouvez-vous prendre notre photo, s'il vous plait?" he asked pulling out a disposable camera from his pocket.

"Bien, sur," the man answered as he took the camera.

Vaughn turned his gaze back to me, replacing his forehead against mine. "I haven't thought about this place much since my parents and I left at the end of that summer, but it has always been buried in the back of my mind. We never took any pictures, but I have never forgotten. I want to take one now so I will always remember. I want what I'm feeling now, what you are making me feel, always present, fresh in my mind," he whispers as I hear the camera's shutter click.



A/N: Next chapter, back to the present.
 
A/N: Syd's POV.


The Kiss

"Syd?" Vaughn startles me from my thoughts.

"Yeah...I remember."

The sky in the picture is as colorful as I remember it. I can still almost smell the cold, sweet air of that approaching night - air so pure as to deny lies from ever pervading it. One deep breath of it could easily cleanse my mind of doubt or fear. I'm sure, of course, that having Vaughn by my side was an aid in that too.

"Lauren thinks that I'm still harboring some feelings about us," he says while motioning between us with his hand. "I told her that I've moved on, but..."

"I have too," I quickly affirm. 'Liar. Where's my breath of fresh air when I need it?'

Though he is drunk, his eyes still puncture my once fortified defenses, leaving them crumbled; the bricks that kept all of my vulnerabilities tightly sealed away are now strewn haphazardly across the floor. I wonder if he can see the mess he has made out of me. Two years ago, I would not have cared about such debris; Vaughn was always there to pick up the pieces.

As he continues to stare at me with those green compasses pointing the way to my true feelings, he picks up from where he left off, "But I'm not so sure now."

"I mean, I'm moving on," I say in unison with his words.

He is silent now, still staring at me. I look up into his eyes, but his gaze is so powerful that I quickly return to studying my feet. "Well, I'm trying," I concede.

He makes his way towards me, brushing past a table and nearly sending a lamp crashing to the floor. When he reaches me, however, he is suddenly seemingly sober, as he lifts my chin with a gentle hand bringing my gaze to his.

"Sydney, you do not have to be afraid of me. It's me. It's just you and me, and I won't let anything hurt you."

'But you've already hurt me so much,' I want to cry. Some bricks must still be intact because I am able to keep in that thought, though not without great effort. Besides, it's not his fault that he had to move on. From what he has told me, and from what I have sensed, his grief would have been the end of him. I could never want him to live that way forever - or die that way for that matter - the way I am now, miserable and alone.

"Vaughn, why are you here?" I ask for the second time of the night. "Shouldn't you be at home working this out with..." My mind wanted to add 'your wife,' but my heart prevented my mouth from forming the words. I was suddenly very uncomfortable standing so close to my ex-boyfriend who was presently cupping my chin and talking about how it was just us together. 'But he is so much more than your ex-boyfriend,' my inner self interrupts. 'He's Vaughn. He is still a part of you. The bond that was formed is still connected, forever inseparable; no matter how flimsy it feels sometimes, you cannot deny its existence and the power that it holds within its unbreakable threads - the key to your heart, your happiness.'

"I have already tried to end our fight rationally," he responds to my question, knowing what I would have said if my heart had not intervened, letting his hand drop from my face. "Then I delved into my usual arsenal of irrational methods - storming out, getting drunk, ending up at your place..."

'Usual...ending up at your place...' The words take a few seconds to really sink in before their meaning sends my emotions into a frenzy.

"What? You've been here before?!" I exclaim in disbelief. 'I would have sensed him, known he was here...'

"What I mean is," he quickly blurts out, rubbing a weary hand over his eyes, "I used to end up at your place, I mean where your place was, you know, after...after the fire," he finishes letting out a long breath.

"Oh...I...uh," I start unsuccessfully, turning my attention to floor once more. "Vaughn..." I try again. Strike two. 'Ok, deep breath.'

"I'm sorry," I finally manage.

His laughter catches me off guard, causing me to look up at him questioningly. "You're sorry?!" he practically shouts in the midst of his outburst. "God, you're sorry? What the hell do you have to be sorry about...not dying?" He is doubled over, shaking his head, and I am now the one to gaze piercingly at him. Not having the slightest clue what to say, I stand mute, not moving as I continue to stare at him. As soon as he straightens himself, I notice the tears in his eyes, his laughter turning to sobs.

"Vaughn! Oh god, what's wrong? Vaughn, please..." I grab his shoulders and shake him lightly. He responds by crying out, "Oh Sydney, I missed you so much! Why did you have to leave? I loved you. Didn't you know how much I loved you? I tried to show you every way I knew how. Telling you in simple words didn't seem like enough, but god, if it would have made you stay, I would have said it a million times and more. Anything to keep you here!"

Tears that I have fought back for so long are making their way mercilessly down my face, as I wrap my arms around him in a warm, comforting hug and bring my hand to the back of his head, pressing him into my neck. "Shh...Vaughn it's all right," I whisper as I stroke his hair. "I'm here now. Shh..."

I rock with him in my arms, as he tightly clutches my back and continues to murmur, "I missed you, Syd. I missed you..."

Eventually, his sobs quiet and my tears subside, but we stay in each other's arms, allowing ourselves to draw what strength is left in either of us. He pries his face from my neck only to have his lips return a second later to place a soft kiss against my skin. I turn my head towards his once his lips leave my neck and place a kiss on his forehead in response. Our eyes meet, and time stops. We are standing among the shattered ruins of SD-6 once again...

It was over. SD-6 was gone and I was still standing. Victory could not have tasted any sweeter, that was, until I spotted Vaughn. He was just across the room removing his mask and looking around in wonder. Our eyes met, and time stopped. There was no longer anything keeping us apart, and we both jumped at the opportunity. SD-6 was no more, the world was no more; everything and everyone around us faded into nothing so that there was only one thing left - the path between him and me. We crossed the threshold simultaneously, leaving behind any fear or worry, buried in the dust that was our past. This dust was now settled, packed down tightly so that no clouds could rise in our wake and imbue the fresh air with their foul scent.

It was the beginning. Our lips collided and there was no turning back. The taste of victory was like a mouthful of sand compared to this heavenly flavor. We drowned ourselves in it with no regrets. I had never felt anything so soft and so strong at the same time. The passion between us was building to unimaginable heights, but our touch was like a feather, airy like a whisper. Hands were roaming, bodies unable to find a way to be close enough to one another. We were memorizing each other and were mesmerized by each other. I knew him, and he me, inside and out, bodily and spiritually. We were one. And that was only the beginning...
 
A/N: Syd's POV.


The Decision

It was only the beginning, but what a beginning! Our lips never left contact as we leaned into one another, creating a perfect balance - a balance that absolutely no outside forces could tip one way or the other to upset the equilibrium. He was what had kept me grounded for so long in this world of insanity, but at that moment, we were both flying, soaring, reaching heights of which we previously had no notion. We flew willingly in each other's arms knowing that there was no danger of either of us crashing to the ground; I would always be there to catch him if he fell, and his touch told me that he would be there for me too. The view was beautiful up here; it was nothing but green, everywhere green growing from brown creating a flourishing forest that stretched on forever. We were lost together in it, thriving in our isolation from the rest of the world, the thought of searching for a way back to civilization never crossing our minds.

'Vaughn, I have wanted you, needed you for so long, so long...how did I ever exist without you?' I thought so strongly that I wondered if I had murmured the words into his mouth. 'I have wanted you too, Syd. Ever since that night at the pier, I knew that you were the one, the person whom I needed to make me complete,' my mind hears him answer clearly, though our voices are stiffled by the overpowering rush of just feeling each other. Neither of us has spoken - our lips only separate imperceptibly for small breaths of air that we make last for as long as possible since we cannot stand any loss of contact. Hands have stopped roaming and found their place tangled in each other's hair, pressing ourselves deeper into each other, at the same time massaging reassuringly, lovingly.

'We made it through the end of SD-6. We made it through the hell of stupid obstacles blocking our path to one another. We made it through all of the denial of our right to be together. We made it...We made it...'

'We made it.' My eyes suddenly snap open, and I realize what we are doing. The fantasy has certainly bled through this time, staining everything in its path; there is nothing but red now, dripping red on my hands, my face - I am soaked in the dark color. 'No, no, no!,' my mind screams. 'I was never supposed to put him in this position! Oh, god, STOP!'

I jerk back and push him away, leaving him wide-eyed and stumbling drunkenly in his attempt to keep his balance. "Syd, what the..." he asks pleadingly, confused.

"We can't, Vaughn! Oh god, we can't! We really shouldn't have...you're married!"

"But, Syd, you're the one I want, the one I need. I've known ever since that night on the pier..."

"Vaughn, stop! Please, just stop!" I cry, the hot tears making a reapperance. 'We belong together. He is offering himself to me, but I can't have him. Not yet. I will not be the other woman.'

"We really cannot do this," I emphasize. "I can't deal with any more cheating and lying in my life. Neither of us deserve it. Lauren...doesn't deserve it either."

"But, Syd --"

"You love her, don't you? Your wife?" There is no room to struggle with the word any longer. It is time for me to be strong now, especially when he cannot be.

There is a long pause as he studies me carefully. His eyes seem to question my sanity, boring a hole in my heart. I stare at him with equal force, showing him that I will see through any lie, that I want the brutal truth and will not accept even the possiblity of receiving anything else.

He breathes in deeply before he answers. "Yes," he whispers guiltily, eyes downcast. "Yes, I love my wife, but Syd, I love you too. I always have."

"I love you too, Vaughn. So much. That's why we can't do this. If we are to be together, then our entire selves have to be together. I won't take the half of your emotions that are reserved for me, and I won't give you the half of mine that are blind to the fact that we are cheating each other, not to mention Lauren. I won't because the other half will still be there, no matter how hard we try to deny it." The wall is back in full force, and I pray that he does not break through it this time. Who knows what will happen if he does.

His response both affirms what I said and increases my despair. "I know, Syd. You're...you're right. We can't do this."

'Dammit, why do I have to be right about this, of all things?' I wonder.

"I should go," he says after a pause, making his way to the door.

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," I say trying to hide the reluctance in my voice. "But wait, Vaughn. It's late, and you're...well...drunk. Why don't you stay--"

"No, no. I need some air. I'll wait outside while I call a cab," he says hurriedly as he walks out, closing the door behind him.

I walk to the door with the intention of throwing it open and running after him, launching myself into his arms and asking him never to leave. When I reach it, however, I realize that this door is not the only barrier to our future. His love for his wife and the relationship he has built with her are impediments that cannot be ignored. So, aborting my first plan, I sink to the floor and lean my head against the door. I don't even try to prevent the tears from falling.

'God, that was too hard,' I think as the droplets of pure pain cascade down my cheeks. 'I don't think I can do this again. I know I can't. If he even implies that maybe we can have something on the side...Damn it! How am I going to face him or his wife at work? What if he ends up here again? I won't be able to hold myself back. This night has already sapped all of the strength in me to do that. I won't be able to trust myself alone with him...' That's when it hits me. 'I have to leave.'
 
A/N: Phew! This is the last chapter I have written right now, but don't worry. More is soon to come. Syd's POV.


Don't Go

It has been a week since that night, since I have known what I must do. It has been a week full of awkwardness and stolen glances that break my heart anew when we turn away. A week full of planning and phone calls and reassignments. A week full of packing and cardboard boxes, though not the endless supply like when I moved...what is it now...four years ago, nearing five? The things that have surrounded me for several months still do not seem as if they are really mine, and I doubt that they ever will. How was I supposed to resurface from a two-year disapperance, only find everything that I ever owned, everything worth the world to me in sentimental value destroyed, charred black, dumped and rotting in some landfill because there was nothing worth salvaging? How could I come back and expect a new building filled with a few worthless items purchased only to hide the unextinguishable drabness to be a home? If home is where the heart is, then I will be a nomad, forced to wander aimlessly while ignoring the beating in my chest, the pumping of blood through my system, every pulse resonating Vaughn...Vaughn...Vaughn... I will not be one to taint the sanctity of marriage, so if I cannot trust myself to stay emotionally separate from him, then I will have to rely on physical distance. True, it won't matter how many miles I put between us, the feelings will follow me to the ends of the earth, but that is precisely why I must leave. The distance will prevent me from acting on those feelings.

I check the closet to make sure that I did not leave anything, and that is when I spot it. 'It can't be. It's impossible, it was lost in the fire,' I think as I take the object in my hands. But sure enough, the antique silver frame is here; it does not fade away under my touch like the things of my dreams always do. After a few minutes of studying it carefully, running my hands along the crafted, uneven surface, I remember that I bought it a few days after moving in to my new house. The minute I saw it through the shop's window, I knew I had to have it. It looked exactly like the one that Vaughn had given to me. When I laid my hands on it, I could actually feel him; it brought every thought of that cold Saturday back to me...

It was a grey morning in December. People were bustling about along the street oblivious to the conversation taking place between Vaughn and me. I was standing outside a small shop, poking around the flowers, basking in the relief and beauty they provided after a long night of fear and near torture. He was sitting at a table next to me, pretending to be interested in his newspaper as we discussed the events of the previous night.

"Sorry that I called you on a weekend. It's just that I needed to talk to you," I said as we finished our business.

"You don't ever have to apologize for calling me," he responded sincerely. Either he was really dedicated to his job, or he was feeling something more than he was telling me. I had only known him for a few months, but the tone of his voice made me believe the latter evaluation of his response.

"Speaking of which," he continued, "I got you something." He spoke so casually, you would have thought that it was an everyday occurrence - a CIA handler giving a present to his asset in public.

I had to fight to keep my voice down. "What?" I exclaimed, unable to stop myself from looking at him. I didn't know whether to question his sanity or to ask him about the feelings he couldn't say he had for me, so I opted for denial. "No, you didn't."

He was flustered then. "I dunno, I was in this store, you know, this little antique place--" Right. That makes sense. What male CIA employee wouldn't stop by an antique shop out of the blue?

'I have him cornered now,' I thought. "What were you doing in an antique store?" I interrupted him, trying to hold in a laugh.

He chuckled, knowing he had lost the battle - he wasn't getting anything past me. "I don't know. Whatever. Look, if you don't like it, just, don't tell me." He was down and out, but I wasn't going to push his face into the mat.

"Ok," I answered, chuckling as well.

"Merry Christmas," he said, turning to leave, no doubt to escape his embarrassment.

"Merry Christmas," I returned, as I leaned down to pick up the bag. The silver frame that I discovered inside it later was beautiful, charming, a perfect reminder of him.

My depression and slight state of denial must have driven me to buy it. I didn't even have any pictures to put in the frame; I just needed a memento of our time together. Once I realized that Vaughn really was married and that I would only drive myself insane with this thing that hit so close to home, I stuffed it in the back of my closet hoping to forget what it and its lost mate represented.

'I have a use for the frame now,' I think, rumaging through a box on the kitchen table looking for the picture that Vaughn gave me last week. It fits inside the silver boarder perfectly, as if it were meant to be there. The image of our touching foreheads and the bright sky in the background threatens to bring the memories back again. With what I am about to do, though, I cannot bear to look at the picture for much longer, so I place it on the table and turn away. Before any impulse can compel me to throw all of my carefully laid plans out of the window, take the picture in my hands once more, and spend the rest of my life in the lala land of fantasy, the doorbell rings, both thankfully and regretfully keeping me in reality.

'It's probably Weiss coming by with a few more "I'll miss you's,"' I think. Telling him about my decision was hard enough, even though he was very understanding. I do not even want to think about how Vaughn will react when I tell him tomorrow morning. "It's open, Eric," I call to the door.

The face that greets me through the open door, however, is not the one I expected, and my heart drops to my stomach in a loud thud.

"Syd, I...What are you doing?!" Vaughn exclaims upon seeing that my once sparsely decorated livingroom is now barren. He rushes in and is immediately by my side in the kitchen.

"Vaughn! You're not supposed to...What are you...I..." I have never been caught this off-guard in my entire life. My defenses have not even had the time to rouse themselves from the slumber that I allow them when I am alone - they need some rest, after all - and I know that I cannot lie myself out of this mess. The evidence showing that I am leaving is irrefutable.

"Syd, are you...are you moving?" The hurt is apparent in his voice; just the sound of it sends sharp stabs to my gut.

"Well, I, uh..." The speech that I contrived for this moment apparently grew wings and flew out into the night never to be found again the second that Vaughn opened the door. 'Screw it. I was going to tell him tomorrow, anyway. How are twelve hours going to make a difference?'

"Yes, I am. I need some time to sort things out." I have a sudden urge to roll my eyes at myself. 'That's good, Syd. Be a little more vague next time.' He looks about ready to say that whatever I need to sort out can be done here, but I cut him off. "I think we both need some time."

His mouth is hanging open as he tries to decide what he wants to say. I can practically see his thoughts rolling in transit from his brain to his tongue, all of them fighting to be spoken first. 'Why are you leaving? What are you afraid of? You just got back, Syd! I just got you back! Don't go...Don't go...Don't go...'

"Don't leave, Syd. There is no need for you to leave." He is the Vaughn from two years ago - calm, collected, armed with reason to placate my fear. He is so unlike the Vaughn he was a week ago that I wonder if maybe I should...

"There are plenty of reasons why I need to leave," I interrupt the traitorous thoughts before they build enough power to break my resolve. "I'm sorry, Vaughn, but I can't trust you right now. I can't even trust myself, for that matter, and I will not allow myself to take part in destroying a family, but what's to stop you from coming here again like you did last week? And what's to stop me from giving in and letting my emotions for you take control because, God knows, that would be a lot easier than this!"

He grabs my shoulders suddenly and stops my tirade in its tracks. "Syd! Sydney, listen to me. We're adults, we can work through this rationally. Ok, so I wasn't exactly in control of myself the last time I was here, but I came here tonight to apologize for that and for this miserable week, and do you really think that little of me to not have any sense of morality?! I do know how to play by the rules."

"Do you?" I challenge. "Because I seem to remember you and I breaking a whole lot of them and having very few qualms doing so. And I never meant to imply that you don't have morals, Vaughn, I just meant that neither of us are in our right minds to trust ourselves right now." Before he can respond, I continue, "Besides, we have previously discussed the need for one of us to leave, but we kept finding excuses. We can't keep putting off the issue."

"We can't run away from it, either. Look, Syd, if you don't want to work with me, we can arrange something so that we're not partnered anymore. Just...don't go."

"It's not just work, Vaughn. It's everything. It's the fact that everytime I see you, I can't help but torture myself with thoughts of what we had together, that I can feel jealousy rise to the surface whenever I see you with Lauren - and I know that jealousy is not a good color on me, - that my dreams of you are so vivid, such great windows to the past, that I wish I could stay in them forever." 'Geeze, did I actually tell him that? It's a good thing I'm getting out of here because I've completely lost it!' "I can't live in the past anymore, no matter how much I want to," I finish.

He must be running low on ammunition because his next blow is a cheap one. "What about your father? Are you just going to abandon him? Do you know how much he tortured himself while you were gone?"

"Hey! I already talked to him, and he supported me...and I don't need to defend myself to you, anyway! I've made my decision. I'm not invincible, Vaughn. It's too hard to pretend anymore."

"You can't leave me again!--"

"It's just too hard!--" we yell in unison.

We are both breathing heavily, and there is a long pause as we attempt to reload our guns. Try as I might, I find that my stash of ammo is empty. I would settle for rocks and a slingshot at this point, but I am utterly spent. I sense that he is, too.

"Look," he tries softly, appeasingly. "We just need some time to cool off."

"That's exactly my point."

He looks at me carefully and sees that I am not backing down, that I am not going to. "How long?" he asks wearily.

"It's just temporary for now. A few months."

"Where?" he whispers.

"D.C." I answer. "I haven't decided yet whether or not I'll be in the field," I say anticipating his next question.

"When are you..."

"Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow! What, were you going to call me from the plane?!"

"Vaughn, please, I don't want to fight anymore. I was going to tell you at work in the morning; my flight isn't until the evening."

"Ok, ok, I'm sorry," he sighs, not having any more energy than I do. "Do you need any help with--"

"No, I'm almost done," I cut him off, trying to get used to the idea that he won't be around anymore.

"Ok, then I should go. I guess I'll see you tomorrow," he says dejectedly, moving slowly towards the door.

"Vaughn..." he turns around quickly, and the look of hope in his eyes that I've changed my mind breaks my heart. "I have to go. I'm sorry."

"I get it, Syd," he sighs. "I know. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, tomorrow," I whisper as the door creaks shut.
 
A/N: Thank you everyone for the reviews! They make me unbelievably happy! :D This chapter is in Vaughn's POV. That's right, a new perspective. Please let me know what you think.


Second Chance

It was her last day, the last day that I would see her in months - maybe more, the last day of palpable tension at the office - the air was so thick with it sometimes, it was a wonder that we weren't smothered in it. It was the last day that I had to be in the presence of the woman I wanted but couldn't have, the woman who was granted to me and who filled the void in my life, the woman who was snatched from my grasp and who haunted my dreams. Sydney was leaving, and I had to stop her.

I was tied up in endless briefings today, briefings to which Sydney need not have been privy since she was moving in a few hours, briefings that kept me from pleading my case to her for a second time. My body was stuck in work, but my mind constantly wandered to Sydney. 'How could she possibly leave now? This is where she belongs - here with her friends, with her father, with...me.' The thoughts bombarded me, bringing images of her along with them. There were so many versions of her - innumerable costumes and disguises, personalities ranging from the girl next door to the tough kick-ass spy with attitude enough to knock any man off of his feet to just Sydney, the combination of the two that I fell in love with, that I still love. It seems, though, that the only time she allows herself to be just Sydney, truly Sydney, is when she is at home...with me. If she leaves, will the Sydney I love vanish, and will her various ungenuine personalities morph into a Sydney without me, without our history? Is that what she is trying to escape? Her past with me?

'I can't live in the past anymore, no matter how much I want to.' Her words come back to me, but it feels like I am hearing them for the first time, and they sting like the pain that I became accustomed to during her two-year absence, the pain that I tried to dull with alcohol. Drinking did a lousy job of that - the pain merely renewed itself every morning; Lauren was a much better remedy. She was more than a remedy; she not only kept the pain at bay, but she brought happiness and love back into my life - two emotions that I never would have thought would return to me. She gave me a reason to not drink myself into oblivion; she saved me - without her, I would be dead.

How am I supposed to choose between the two women who have brought me more joy than I had ever known? Sydney was my first guide down love's path, and Lauren pointed the way back to it when I had strayed. Sydney and I share a bond that is stronger than death - I know because I can still feel its threads wrapped around my heart keeping it hostage, but Lauren has wound herself into my being as well. Even if I can't choose right now, I can't just let one of the most important people in my life walk away from me. I have to stop Sydney from leaving. I have to do something because this time I can, unlike last time...

The night was becoming darker by the second, heavy clouds crowding their way into the previously clear, star-lit sky. It was like the instant that Sydney had gotten out of my car, the world became that much gloomier because she was not with me. I suddenly had a newfound hatred for late-night debriefings. 'I hope this weather doesn't spoil our weekend in Santa Barbra,' I thought, looking up at the clouded sky through my windshield. 'Although, no weekend could possibly be spoiled with Sydney by my side,' I reassured myself. Suddenly a pang of fear gripped my stomach and made me nauseous. I tried to push the feeling away; I was only going to be at work for a few more hours, and then Sydney and I would be on our way to a care-free weekend. The fear, however, evaded my attempts to make it subside, most likely because I had no idea what had caused it to spring up inside of me and grab every shred of my attention. The nauseousness continued to build, and just as I started to feel my heartrate increase and sweat break upon my forehead, my cell phone rang. And then the rain fell.

Drops that seemed as big as melons pounded my car, trying to burst their way in and drown me. I was oblivious to their ceaseless hammering, causing everything around me to shudder under their attack. The only thing that I felt was Sydney's soothing touch cooling my heated skin. The only thing that I heard was Sydney's voice echoing in my mind, the sweet melody causing my soul to sing to hers in response. The only thing that I saw was Sydney's face, her radient smile and dimples digging channels straight to my heart. I would not allow myself to think of anything but her, not at a time like this. I raced through the wet night back to her house not having any idea how fast I was going, not caring. The shock was still settling in as I finally pulled up to her place...or what was left of it. I sat motionless in my car for a few moments, mere seconds that were longer than any I had ever experienced, just staring, captivated. Apparently, my body then switched itself into autopilot because I found myself mechanically getting out of the car, somehow putting one foot in front of the other, and making my way to the dismal lot that had been her home.

'Find Sydney...Find Sydney...' my mind screamed, my jumbled and raging emotions having stolen my voice. A few people investigating the site tried to keep me back, but I unknowingly showed them my badge and shoved them away, completely unaware of anything except the sound of her voice coming from somewhere out of the rubble. 'Vaughn...Vaughn I need you,' she called to me pleadingly. 'Vaughn...' I could still feel her, hear her, see her; it was like she was standing before me, wrapped in my arms, whispering my name into my ear. Without warning, her touch melted away from my skin, her voice faded into the wet air, her image dissolved in the pouring rain, leaving me there barely able to stand without her support, alone. My voice made its reappearance as my spinning mind tried to make sense of what was happening.

"Syd," I whispered experimentally. No answer. "Sydney," I tried louder. Nothing. The glue that Shock had been using to keep me together finally liquefied, and I fell to pieces. "Sydney!" I screamed. "Sydney! Don't leave me! Don't you leave me!" I yelled until I was hoarse, shaking. Unable to hold myself upright any longer, I sank to the charred ground, anguished beyond reason. And then my tears fell.

That rainy night was all I could think about as I sped my way to Sydney's house once again. Fear had gripped my stomach anew, only this time, I knew its cause and what I had to do to extinguish it. I followed her home, keeping a careful distance lest she would take off for the airport if she saw me. And here I am again, sitting in front of her place just staring, captivated. This is my second chance, and there is no way in hell I am going to squander it. Sydney is leaving, but I am going to stop her, no matter what it costs me.
 
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