Here ya go, the humourous version of an alias weakest link DEVLIN: Hello, and welcome to... The Weakest Link! I'm Devlin, head of the Los Angeles branch of the Central Intelligence Agency, and I'll be your host tonight. Let's meet today's contestants! Our first player is none other than everyone's favorite double agent, Sydney Bristow!
SYDNEY: *waves*
DEVLIN: Player Two is everyone's second favorite double agent, Sydney's father, Jack Bristow!
JACK: *waves*
HALADKI: And I suppose you're going to introduce me as everyone's third favorite double agent.
DEVLIN: Well, actually, I was. Player Three is everyone's third favorite double agent, Steven Haladki!
HALADKI: Figures.
DEVLIN: Wave.
HALADKI: I don't want to wave.
DEVLIN: Wave, dammit!
HALADKI: *sighs and waves*
FRANCIE: I'm not a double agent.
DEVLIN: I never said you were. Our fourth contestant is Sydney's best friend, the lovely Francine Calfo, aka Francie.
FRANCIE: Well, you were introducing everyone else as double agents, so I thought I should say something in case you forgot.
DEVLIN: Look, I know who is and isn't a double agent on this show. Just keep quiet and let me introduce the contestants, or we'll never get through this episode. That goes for all of you. Player five is the one and only head of SD-6, Arvin Sloane! Our next player is everyone's favorite agent handling hockey fan, Michael Vaughn! Moving right along, contestant seven is that super awesome Russian guy, Alexander Khasinau. What more can I say? And finally, rounding out the show is the one, the only... Alain Christophe! Please welcome our contestants!
AUDIENCE: *cheers wildly*
DEVLIN: Let's begin. Sydney, what is the capital of Spain?
SYDNEY: Madrid.
DEVLIN: Are you sure?
SYDNEY: Pretty sure.
DEVLIN: Would you be willing to stake your life on it?
SYDNEY: Erm... I think so.
DEVLIN: How about Haladki's?
HALADKI: Hey!
SYDNEY: Are you done yet?
DEVLIN: Oh, right. Jack, who were the two Americans that played in 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'?
JACK: Ronald Reagan and Marilyn Monroe.
DEVLIN: Incorrect! Haladki, can you answer?
HALADKI: Ronald Reagan and Marilyn Monroe.
DEVLIN: That's the same thing Jack said.
HALADKI: Is it right?
DEVLIN: No, it's not right! Otherwise I wouldn't have asked you the same thing, would I? Francie, can you put an end to this?
FRANCIE: Of course. It was Barry Bostwick and Susan Sarandon.
DEVLIN: Correct!
FRANCIE: *gives Jack and Haladki smug grins*
JACK and HALADKI: *huff*
DEVLIN: Who's next? Oh yeah, Sloane. To the nearest hundredth, what is the square root of fifty?
SLOANE: Seven point one two.
DEVLIN: My source says seven point oh eight.
SLOANE: Well, your source is wrong. It's seven point one two.
DEVLIN: All right, if you insist. Vaughn -
VAUGHN: China.
DEVLIN: *blinks* Uh, well, actually, that IS the correct answer! Wow!
VAUGHN: Of course it is.
DEVLIN: Right. Anyway, Khasinau, what agency were you a former lieutenant colonel for?
KHASINAU: *shrugs*
DEVLIN: Oh, come on, you can't tell me you don't know.
KHASINAU: The Air Force?
DEVLIN: My God, you are stupid. It was the KGB.
KHASINAU: D'oh! *slaps forehead*
JACK: Well, I know who I'M voting off first!
VAUGHN: Amen to that.
DEVLIN: Christophe, name a member of the primate family.
CHRISTOPHE: Haladki.
DEVLIN: That works. Okay, everyone, time to vote! Who is the weakest link?
KHASINAU: I am not quite familiar with your game shows, but don't the rules say we have to go through this more than once?
DEVLIN: Well, yes, but we're short on time, so it's one round elimination. Vote. *looks down* And the weakest link is... Arvin Sloane!
JACK, FRANCIE, and CHRISTOPHE: Sloane?
DEVLIN: Sloane.
SLOANE: Me? I'm the weakest link?
DEVLIN: I've got the results right here. You can look at them after the show. In the meantime, we've got a schedule to keep, so get your loser ass out of here.
SLOANE: *sticks tongue out at Devlin and walks offstage*
DEVLIN: Sydney, what fast-food restaurant chain uses a Chihuahua as their mascot?
SYDNEY: Taco Bell.
DEVLIN: Are you sure?
SYDNEY: Positive.
DEVLIN: Okay. Jack, spell 'Chihuahua'.
JACK: H-A-L-A-D-K-I
HALADKI: *counts on fingers* H-A-L-A-D - hey!!
FRANCIE: *snickers*
DEVLIN: Oh, sure, I'll give it to you. Haladki, who was the sixth president of the United States?
HALADKI: Well, it WASN'T Jane Austen...
DEVLIN: No, it wasn't. Can you narrow it down any more?
HALADKI: And I'm pretty sure it wasn't Charlie Parker or Vin Diesel, either...
DEVLIN: Whatever. Francie, why is Earth round?
FRANCIE: Because it isn't any other shape.
DEVLIN: Works for me. Vaughn -
VAUGHN: Isosceles.
DEVLIN: Correct.
CHRISTOPHE: Did you read the script or something?
JACK: Game shows don't have scripts, stupid.
VAUGHN: *preens* I'm just as smart as I am handsome, that's all.
SYDNEY: *sighs and flutters eyelashes* Yeah, you are.
VAUGHN: *winks at Sydney*
SYDNEY: *smiles shyly and wiggles foot*
DEVLIN: Khasinau, who played Elrond in the 2001 box-office hit 'The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring'?
KHASINAU: You mean you actually expect me to keep track of movie stats? What kind of people are you?
DEVLIN: It was Hugo Weaving, you uncultured swine. Christophe -
CHRISTOPHE: Apollo Eleven.
DEVLIN: Not even close. The answer was 'potato'. Where did you get Apollo Eleven from?
CHRISTOPHE: Well, it was working for HIM *points at Vaughn* so I thought I'd try it, too.
VAUGHN: Sorry. No one can be as cool as me.
HALADKI: I don't know... that Marshall guy is pretty cool.
MARSHALL: *blushes* Aw, shucks.
DEVLIN: Time to vote! Who is the weakest link?
PLAYERS: *vote*
DEVLIN: *looks at results* Francine Calfo! You are the weakest link! Good-bye!
FRANCIE: What?
DEVLIN: *shrugs* Well, you pissed off Jack and Haladki earlier, so that may have something to do with it. But anyway, that's the way it goes. Get off the stage; we don't have any time to waste.
MARSHALL: But that's not fair! Christophe and Khasinau are both stupider than she is!
CHRISTOPHE and KHASINAU: *blink*
FRANCIE: Are you sticking up for me?
MARSHALL: Um, well, uh, kinda, I guess.
FRANCIE: That is so sweet. Wanna get a latte?
MARSHALL: Do I!
FRANCIE and MARSHALL: *walk off stage hand in hand*
EVERYONE: Awwww...
DEVLIN: Well, wasn't that cute. Moving on! Sydney, what is the largest hotel in Las Vegas?
SYDNEY: That would be the Excalibur.
DEVLIN: Are you sure?
SYDNEY: Why do you keep asking me if I'm sure?
DEVLIN: Erm, well, I just want to make sure you're committed to your answer before submitting it as your final response.
SYDNEY: I'm sure, okay? Gee whiz! You people!
DEVLIN: Jack, name a number, any number.
JACK: Winston.
DEVLIN: *blinks* Winston?!?
JACK: You said to name a number. I named a number. I named forty-two 'Winston'.
DIXON: *raises hand and bounces up and down in seat* Ooh! Can twenty be Jeff?
JACK: Sure, twenty can be Jeff.
WILL: What about negative nine?
JACK: *shrugs* Monique?
SARK: How come negative numbers are given female names, whereas positive numbers get male names? What's up with that?
JACK: Well, can you really make that distinction with numbers?
SARK: And what's zero? Would you name zero a name that can be used for male or female?
JACK: Um...
SARK: And then what happens? How will zero feel knowing that it has a transsexual name? What if the other numbers start making fun of it? What if they go around, laughing behind zero's back, and saying, 'Look, there goes the It.'. How could you live with that?
DEVLIN: That's a very nice thought, but we have a show to do, and we need to be moving on.
SARK: Numbers have rights, too, dammit, and those rights are being violated! You cannot assign gender affiliations to numbers!
KHASINAU: Sark, don't you think you're getting a little too into this?
SARK: And think of poor zero! It's enough that it's zero, but to be denied the attribute of being either male or female is just inhumane!
SYDNEY: How can it be inhumane? Numbers aren't human.
CHRISTOPHE: And neither are animals, but we still call the cruel treatment of animals 'inhumane'.
SYDNEY: Oh, yeah. Good point.
SARK: It makes no difference! When zero goes to apply for a job, how will it know which box to check? Will it check both male and female, or neither? How can an employer hire a number if he doesn't even know it's gender? Because of you and your stupid names, zero will be ruined! Number sexism!
HALADKI: Dammit, Sark, would you shut up and let us finish the show?
SARK: I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!!!!!!!!!
WEISS: *punches Sark*
VAUGHN: Looks to me like you WILL be silenced.
DEVLIN: Well, that was... interesting, to say the least. Haladki, how many sides does a triangle have?
HALADKI: *pauses and looks at the unconscious Sark* Oh, gosh... You know, I'm going to have to pass on that one. I'm too scared to even say a number.
DEVLIN: Very well. Vaughn -
VAUGHN: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
DEVLIN: That's quite impressive. You're exactly right. Khasinau, who were the two Americans that played in 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'?
KHASINAU: Didn't you ask this question earlier?
DEVLIN: I sure did. Now you have no reason to get it wrong.
JACK: Oooh, pressure's on now.
KHASINAU: *shoots Jack evil look*
DEVLIN: Time's up! Christophe, same question.
KHASINAU: *blinks* There's a time limit?
CHRISTOPHE: Ronald Reagan and Marilyn Monroe?
DEVLIN: AARRGH!! YOU PEOPLE! It was Barry Bostwick and Susan Sarandon! Can't you remember anything?
VAUGHN: Uh-oh, rhetorical question alert.
DEVLIN: *shakes head* Vote. *looks at results* Jack Bristow, you are the weakest link. Good-bye.
JACK: *walks offstage humming 'Camptown Races'*
KHASINAU: Why'd he get voted off?
DEVLIN: Probably because of the numbers thing.
SARK: *returns to consciousness and slowly sits up* Are you still oppressing numbers?
WEISS: *punches Sark again*
DEVLIN: Thanks.
WEISS: *gives thumbs-up* No problem.
HALADKI: *yawns* I'm tired.
SYDNEY: So go to sleep.
HALADKI: Okay. *lays down, curls up into a ball, and goes to sleep*
DEVLIN: *blinks and scratches head*
VAUGHN: Hey, Sydney!
SYDNEY: Yeah?
VAUGHN: Perpetual motion. *winks*
DEVLIN: Sydney -
SYDNEY: Perpetual motion!
DEVLIN: *stares at her in surprise* That's right!
SYDNEY: *smiles at Vaughn*
VAUGHN: *blushes*
DEVLIN: Haladki - oh, he's asleep. Vaughn -
VAUGHN: Cytoplasm.
DEVLIN: Good job.
VAUGHN: *looks at Sydney* You know, we make a good team.
SYDNEY: Yeah, we do, don't we? Hey, want to catch up with Francie and Marshall and see if they want to have a hot-tub party after the lattes?
VAUGHN: Cool! That sounds great!
SYDNEY and VAUGHN: *walk off stage hand in hand*
DEVLIN: Well. Khasinau, if you don't get this one, you're stupid. Who, up until the season finale, was known as 'The Man'?
KHASINAU: Um... Barry Bostwick?
DEVLIN: Damnation, Khasinau, it was YOU! You are the weakest link! Get out of here!
KHASINAU: *pouts and leaves*
DEVLIN: Well, Christophe, it's down to you and Haladki. *looks at Haladki* Although I really don't think Haladki's going to do very well this round.
CHRISTOPHE: I think you're the weakest link, Devlin.
DEVLIN: *blinks* Me? How can I be the weakest link? I'm the host!
CHRISTOPHE: Not anymore. I'm voting you off. You are the weakest link. Good-bye.
DEVLIN: But who's going to host?
CHRISTOPHE: I am, of course. Be gone with you, now.
DEVLIN: *bursts into tears and runs offstage*
CHRISTOPHE: *dances over to podium* All right! I get to ask the questions now! Haladki, wake up!
HALADKI: *snort* What?
CHRISTOPHE: Your question is... oh, wait, you're the only contestant left. I guess that makes you the winner!
HALADKI: Cool. *goes back to sleep*
CHRISTOPHE: Well, that was fun. Anyone want to go make some fudge?
AUDIENCE: *cheers*
CHRISTOPHE: *leads audience offstage*
HALADKI: *sits up and rubs eyes* Did someone say fudge?
