daria22075
Cadet
pt.1
My name is Sydney Bristow. Seven years..or was it six? Anyways I was recruited by a secret branch of the CIA called SD-6 and sworn to secrecy but I couldn't keep it from my fiance uh..what's his name. The head of SD-6 had him killed. That's when I found out the truth. SD-6 is not part of the CIA. I had been working for the very people I thought I had been fighting against. So I went to the only place that could help me take them down. No! Not Burger King Danny! Shut up! I'm trying to talk. Now I'm a double agent for the..FBI...LAPD..CIA, oh I don't know. There's too many damn initials to remember. My handler is a man named Michael Vaughn whose very hot, and sweet, and masculine. Well...maybe not masculine. I've never actually seen him fight or do anything remotely physical. Only one other person knows the truth about what I do. Another double agent inside SD-6, someone I hardly know, my father.
(inside the conference room at SD-6)
Sloane: Okay everyone. Let's make this quick. There's some dude over in France or Ireland, one of those foreign countries. I want his bank account number. I have a tennis match in 5 minutes so see ya later.
(leaves and then walks back in)
Sloane: Do you think my tennis skirt is too short?
Jack: No. Not at all.
Sloane: It doesn't make my thighs look too big?
Jack: No. It compliments you nicely.
Sydney: So who exactly is this guy?
Sloane: What guy? Are you a double agent?!?
Sydney: No! I was refering to the guy whose bank account numbers you want.
Sloane: Like I know. Peace out.
(Sydney and Jack are left alone inside the conference room)
Sydney: So what do you think?
Jack: I'll probably get a pizza for lunch.
Sydney: No. About my mission.
Jack: Oh, what mission? I wasn't listening. Hey, you know that friend of yours..uh..Francie. Is she seeing anyone?
Sydney: No. Why?
Jack: I thought she might like to get a little take out with me, maybe go dancing.
Sydney: Oh God Dad! Your sick!
Jack: What? I'm a man. I have needs.
(Sydney gives him a dirty look and then walks out)
(Inside the "secret" warehouse)
Vaughn: This little box will allow you to take photos of the bank numbers for the CIA. It comes in a variety of colors too. So just let me know what shoes your planning on wearing so we can color coordinate!
Sydney: Thanks, I guess. Will SD-6 be able to track the radio frequency signals given off from the camera? Or is it a silent transmitter whose signals are undetectable?
Vaughn
has a blank look on his face) Hey, the CIA gave me a real gun today instead of that fake one they made me carry. (twirls gun around his finger and accidently shoots a light out) Ah cool! They gave me bullets too!
Sydney: I'm gonna go now. I have a lot of work to do.
Vaughn: Cool. Me too. I have to re-load tetris on my computer.
(Sydney approaches a bank in Florence, Italy)
Sydney: Hello? I need to check my safety deposit box.
Bank Teller #1: Excuse me?
Sydney: My name is Mrs. Smith.
Bank Teller #1: Will you please come into the building rather than standing outside in the drive-thru lane.
(Sydney walks into the building)
Bank Teller #2: (greets Sydney but in Italian)
Sydney: Huh?
Bank Teller #2: (repeats herself)
Sydney: Um...(talks into microphone) I'm going to have to abort the mission.
Dixon: Why?
Sydney: This chick is speaking Russian or something.
Dixon: Just walk to the back where the safety deposit boxes are located.
Sydney: Won't the bank teller try to jump me?
Dixon: She's a 300 lb 40 yr old woman. So unless you have a twinkie I think she'll leave you alone.
Sydney: (walks back)(starts kicking the boxes)
Dixon: Pull the handle.
Sydney: (pulls the handle and opens the box) How'd you get so smart Dixon?
Dixon: From experience. But I guess that accounts for nothing. After all, I've been here for 20 years and without a promotion. Then they hire you. Some 20 year old who doesn't even know how to turn on a t.v. Sloan gives you a nice office, big paycheck, and what do I get? I get stuck in a van while you get to go out into the field and work.
Sydney: What was that? My ear piece shorted out.
Dixon: Oh, I said you looked beautiful.
Sydney: Thank you. I got the numbers.
pt.2
(Sydney enters her apartment)
Francie: Hey girlfirend. What have you been up too?
Sydney: Just some banking stuff.
Francie: So I went to the store today and they were out of that volumizing shampoo I use. So I went to three other stores and couldn't find it. Then I decided to go to lunch and I bumped into some guy who looked just like Mike Tyson but with George Clooney eyebrows. So I sat down and I ordered the pasta salad and the pasta was so hard I thought I was gonna break a tooth on it. Then I went to the video store...
Sydney: Do you ever shut up!?! And, by the way, how did you get into my apartment?
Francie: I had a key made. So, at the video store I got the last copy of..
Willwalks through the door) Hey guys!
Sydney: Hi Will.
Will: (stares at Sydney)
Sydney: What?
Will: I was just thinking of how beautiful you are. Like a delicate rose.
Sydney: Thanks but I have a huge zit in my forehead that luckily my foundation covered up. So how are things going with that one guy?
Will: What guy?
sydney: That guy you were seeing.
Will: I don't date guys Sydney. I date girls.
Sydney: Yeah, okay.
(at the warehouse)
Vaughn: How did things go?
Sydny: Good. Those boxes can be confusing though.
Vaughn: Here's your dad's file.
Sydney: What? How did you? I mean..thank you.
Vaughn: No problem.
Sydney: (looks it over) This isn't his file.
Vaughn: Of course it is.
Sydney: No, it isn't. It's a piece of notebook paper with Jack Bristow written at the top and a big smiley face drawn where his picture would be.
Vaughn: Yeah I know. I couldn't get your dad's file, so I did the next best thing. (smiles)
Sydney: Just to let you know, Jack is spelled with only one k.
Vaughn: You know. I'm your handler. Your not suppose to patronize me. I'm suppose to tell you what to do.
Sydney: Sorry. Where did you learn the word patronize?
Vaughn: It was on my word of the day calendar. Oh, did you finally open the Christmas gift I gave you?
Sydney: Yeah. Thank you for the poster of Spiderman.
Vaughn: (smiles) No problem. I thought you'd like it. I have the same one in my office.
Sydney: Well..I better go.
(in the conference room)
Sloane: I have just been informed that there's a mole inside SD-6.
Jack: What are you going to do?
Sloane: I'm gonna hire an exterminator.I just don't know which one to call.
Jack: No. I think they were refering to a mole as someone possibly working as a double agent inside SD-6.
Sloane: If a mole isn't an animal, then why does my lunch keep disappearing?
Jack: (slouches down in his chair)
Sloane: Ok. Now how do I go about finding a mole? (sits, thinking) Oh! I could give everyone an ink block test.
Jack: How would that work?
Sloane: I don't know. I've just always wanted to give one.
Dixon: I think you should call Carl Dryer. He's the best person to use when finding a mole.
Sloane: I think I can handle it. Hmm...what could I do? (sits, thinking some more) Maybe you'd better give me that number. (Dixon hands him a card) 1-800-BABE?
Dixon: Oops. Sorry. Wrong card. (hands him a different card)
Sloane: Sydney, you've been awfully quite. Are you constipated or something?
Sydney: No, I was just thinking about what my next mission would be.
Sloane: Have you ever seen the movie Mission Impossible?
Sydney: Yes.
Sloane: Some people say I look like Tom Cruise.
pt.3
(Sydney's apartment. Her, Will, and Francie are playing scrabble.)
Francie: It. 3 points.
Will: Good job! Ok. Let's see here, if!
Sydney: Ok. That's 1 point. Hmm...hypocritical. 8 points!
Francie: That's not a word!
Will: She's right. That's an animal.
Sydney: Huh?
Will: Yeah, you know. It's big. Sometimes goes by the name hippo!?!
Sydney: That's a hippopotamus!
Francie: Then what kind of animal is a hypocrite?
Will: Maybe it's a cross between a hippo and a cricket!
Sydney: (rolls her eyes) Can we move on?
Francie: Fine but hypocrite is not a word! (puts down tiles) 6 points.
Sydney: Candy is not spelled C-A-N-D-A-Y.
Will. I thought the whole point of this game was to spell actual words or are we suppose to make em up now like you are!?!
(at the warehouse)
Sydney: Sloan suspects a mole inside SD-6.
Vaughn: Is he gonna get an exterminator?
Sydney: A mole? As in a double agent?
Vaughn: I wonder if there's such a thing as a triple agent!
Sydney: (rolls her eyes) Sloan is going to hire Carl Dryer to find the mole. What tactics do you think he'll take?
Vaughn: How should I know?
Sydney: My dad told me it's likely he'll give a functional imaging lie detector test.
Vaughn: Good luck passing that!
Sydney: Can you train me on how to pass it?
Vaughn: Duh!?! When they ask you a question just lie. Do I have to figure out everything for you?
(Jack and Sloane are alone in the conference room)
Sloane: There's an ancient clock SD-6 would like to get its hands on.
Jack: A clock?
Sloane: That's what I said! I told the big bosses that the office is already equipped with more than enough clocks. Mine even has one of those alarms on it!
Jack: Are you going to send Sydney on the mission?
Sloane: Of course. She's the only one we ever send on missions. If you'll excuse me, I have an appointment at the salon. Later!
(Sydney's apartment)
Will: I hate to bring this up, but have you ever wondered about why Danny died?
Sydney: He was killed. That's the end of it!
Will: I found out some information. He was scheduled to leave on a flight that night with a woman named Kate Jones.
Sydney: So....?
Will: Well, I was wondering if you had her number. Obviously Danny had good taste in women so she must be a knockout. (telephone rings)
Francie: (answered the phone) Hello?
Telephone: Joey's pizza.
Francie: Hey. I'd like a large, no..wait, make that an extra large pepperoni pizza with sausage and bacon but with low-fat cheese. Hello? That's wierd.
pt.4
(Warehouse, Sydney is waiting to be hooked up to the lie detector test)
Sydney: Can we start?
Vaughn: Yeah.
Sydney: So you read the manuals on how this test works?
Vaughn: I don't need any manuals. How hard can it be. (starts putting electrodes on)
Sydney: Those are suppose to go on MY head.
Vaughn: Oh..(takes them off and hands them to Sydney) Now where's the on switch. (looks around)
Sydney: (points) Right there.
Vaughn: Ugh! Would you mind pushing it. It's really dirty lookin. (she pushes the button) Thanks!
Sydney: Well...?
Vaughn: Well what?
Sydney: Are you going to ask me questions?
Vaughn: Sure. Um.....do you think I should get bangs?
Sydney: Your suppose to ask me questions that Carl Dryer might ask.
Vaughn: Geez! You don't have to be so mean.
Sydney: Sorry. I'm just really nervous.
Vaughn: Ok. Are you a triple agent?
Sydney: Double!
Vaughn: Right. Are you a double agent?
Sydney: No.
Vaughn: (starts laughing)
Sydney: What is it? Did I stay below 30?
Vaughn: Hehehe. You got a 69. Hehehe. 69.
Sydney: (stares at him)
Vaughn: Are you, uh, romantically interested in anyone?
Sydney: (looks at him)
Vaughn: It could be a question!
Sydney: No.
Vaughn: Do you prefer chocolate syrup or whip cream?
Sydney: (looks at him)
Vaughn: It could be a question!
Sydney: If this were for real, I'd be dead. Wouldn't I?
Vaughn: Your just starting, but yeah. You'd be dead.
(inside the conference room)
Sloane: Sydney, your new mission is to rescue the book that goes along with the clock.
Sydney: What about getting the clock?
Sloane: I'm just gonna by one from Wal-Mart. They'll never know the difference. Oh, you need to take a pregnancy test before you leave
Sydney: What!?!
Jack: I think he means you need to take the lie detector test.
Sloane: Yeah, whatever. Oh, be careful of Carl though. He kept trying to cop-a-feel on me this morning when I took it.
Jack: Why would you have to take the lie detector test? You're the head of SD-6.
Sloane: Carl said I had to.
Jack: Well, he was lying.
Sloane: You mean, he took advantage of me?
Jack: I don't know if I would call it that, but...
Sloane: Oh well. He's not my type anyways. He's a little pale looking, don't ya think?
(Sydney's apartment)
Francie: I can't believe you have to go out of town again!
Sydney: I'll only be gone a few days.
Francie: I don't care that your going but do you think this time you could remember to bring me back a souvenior!?!
Sydney: How about after I get back, we go shopping for a wedding dress?
Francie: No! I'm not getting a dress until I lose some weight. Besides, I wanna shop around for the cake first. You know that they give you free samples, all you can eat! And then we'll need to shop around for a caterer too!
pt.5
(blood bank mobile)
Sydney: I think I failed the lie detector test.
Vaughn: Oh no! If they find out your a double agent, are they gonna kill me too!?!
Sydney: No.
Vaughn: Whew! You had be worried there for a sec.
Sydney: I have to go on another mission with Dixon.
Vaughn: How come they never give you a girl to go with? Especially if you have to find something buried in a mud pit. Then the two of you would have to strip down into tiny bathing suits and get all muddy........Anyways, here's this. (hands her a big walkie-talkie)
Sydney: What's this?
Vaughn: (scratches head) I don't know. I guess the CIA wanted you to be prepared so that if you ever lost your remote control you wouldn't have to get up and walk to the t.v. to change channels. You could just grap your extra remote!
Sydney: I think it's a walkie-talkie.
Vaughn: You don't know how the CIA works at all, do you?
(Dixon and Sydney are in the jungle, they just discovered the big hole where the book is located.)
Sydney: Are you sure it's gonna be safe for be to climb all the way down just on that rickity ladder?
Dixon: Sure! Why not! (pushes her down the hole)
Sydneylands at the bottom with a big thud) Thanks Dixon! (talking to herself) That made it a lot quicker. Oh, there's the book.
Ana: (snatches the book away from Syndey)
Sydney: Hey! Give me that back!
Ana: No!
Sydney: Why do you even want it. You can't even read!
Ana: Well..I could color the pictures in it!
Sydney: It's not a coloring book, stupid! I was hoping it would be a paper doll book though. I've always loved those.
Ana: What's the title of this book anyways?
Sydney: Clocks for dummies. Now give it back!
Ana: Don't make me shoot your skinny little white a*s.
Sydney: Ha! Go ahead! Shoot me! It won't do anything though cause I'm wearing my bullet proof vest!
Ana: (looks at her)
Sydney: Uh oh.
Ana: Is there anyone else here with you?
Sydney: Just Dixon but he's hiding by our van. Damn it! I need to quit doing that.
Ana: If you'll excuse me...
Sydney: Did you just fart?
Ana: No! If you'll excuse me, I'm going to leave now. (whips out a picture of Drew Carey naked)
Sydney: No!!!!!!!!!!!!! My eyes!!!!!!!!!!(passes out)
Anaclimbs up the ladder and leaves)
(at a car repair shop)
Will: Excuse me. Do you happen to have Kate Jones's car here?
Mechanic: Yeah, it's over there.
Will: Thanks.
Mechanic: Are you that wierd guy that has been stalking her?
Will: She likes me! I knew she did!
(runs over to her car and gets in)
Will: (speaking to himself) I'll just leave this tape of me singing love songs in her glove department. (finds the flower pin) Whoa! Cool! This will go great with the new coat I just bought!
pt.6
(30 minutes later....)
Sydneywakes up and climbs up the ladder) Dixon! Dixon! Where are you?
Dixon: (groaning) Over here!
Sydney: (runs over to him) Oh GOD! Dixon! What did she do to you?
Dixon: That...woman..took my new Gucci jacket and then..
Sydney: And then what?
Dixon: Oh...it's too horrible to say.
Sydney: You can tell me.
Dixon: Well..she...she tried taking my Prada shirt. Look...this button is almost ready to come off.
Sydney: Don't worry. I'll put my hand on it so it doesn't fall off (looks around for her backpack and pulls out the big walkie talkie Vaughn gave her)
Dixon: At least she didn't take my new shoes (looks down at his bare feet) (passes out)
Sydney: (turns on walkie talkie) This is freelancer. I need a helicopter to take us to a seamstress right away!
(Jack enters a McDonalds)
Jack: I'm here to see Michael Vaughn.
McDonald's employee: Yeah...he's over there arguing with the manager.
Jack: (walks over)
Vaughn: Why won't you let me in the play pen!?!
Manager: It's for kids.
Vaughn: So? I'm a CIA agent. I should be allowed in. Do any of them have a really cool badge or a gun...(looks at his empty holster) where'd I leave that at?
Manager: Are you done?
Vaughn: For now, yes. But I'm gonna hire a lawyer and sue you.
Manager: Are you gonna take me to Judge Judy?
Vaughn: No! You know Judge Judy? I'm sorry. I won't ever bother you again. She's a mean old lady!
Jack: Excuse me?
Manager: Are you this guy's father?
Jack: No, thank god.
Vaughn: Yeah, I know. If I were your son, then Sydney and I would be related and I couldn't get into her pants.
Jack: (glares at him) Why don't we sit down?
Vaughn: Actually I wanted to get a shake...
Jack: Sit!
Vaughn: (sits down)
Jack: I've heard that you've been checking up on me?
Vaughn: I haven't been checking you out!
Jack: I meant that you tried getting into my file.
Vaughn: Tried being the imperative word.
Jack: Imperative?
Vaughn: Word of the day calendar!
Jack: Say no more. I want to make this very clear to you. Don't you ever go into my file again!
Vaughn: I have a question. The only way you would know about me checking up on you, is if you were checking up on me.
Jack: (confused) What?
Vaughn: I don't know.
Jack: I think we're done here. (stands up and starts to leave)
Vaughn: Did you happen to see a gun lying around outside?
Jack: No. Why?
Vaughn: No reason. Just wondering.
(at a clothing store)
Sydney: Is my partner's shirt gonna be alright!
Seamstress: Hold on. I almost have the button back on. Here comes Dixon's wife. Do you know your cover.
Sydney: Yes! I know my cover! Just make sure my partner is going to be okay!
Dixon's wife: How did this happen?
Sydney: We were standing outside Bloomingdales, in New York. These crazy protesters against brand name clothes came and tried ripping Dixon's clothes off. They got his jacket...but not his shirt. The seamstress is doing everything she can to repair the button on the shirt.
Dixon's wife: Can I see him?
Sydney: Yes. (takes her over to Dixon)
Dixon's wife: (starts hitting him with her purse) You stupid fool! Why the hell are you goin and spending 300 bucks on a stupid shirt. If you were awake, I would rip you a new one!
pt.7 (inside Sloane's office)
Carl: I haven't found the mole yet, but I am convinced that the mole is Sydney Bristow.
Sloane: No, it's not.
Carl: Yes, it is.
Sloane: No, it's not. How did you get these cool little black lines on this piece of paper.
Carl: Those are Sydney's results from the lie detector test.
Sloane: Coool.
Carl: What are you going to do about Sydney?
Sloane: Ok. What's this really about? We both know Sydney is not the mole. Do you want me to take you out? Is that it? The only way I'm taking you out to a movie though is if you put a little foundation on your face. Seriously, your pale. Have you ever seen the sun? A trip to a tanning place every now and then wouldn't hurt ya!
Carl: (stares at him and then walks out)
Sloane: It's nice to help people.
(Sydney's apartment-she's in the bathtub when Francie comes barging in)
Francie: Where were you girlfriend?
Sydney: What?
Francie: We were suppose to go shopping for the cake together!
Sydney: Oh God! Francie, I am so sorry. I got tied up with work.
Francie: It's ok.
Sydney: Do you want to go cake shopping tomorrow?
Francie: We better not. I'm not allowed in any store that sells cake. The owners kept saying that I was eating too many samples! Besides, I know why you didn't show up.
Sydney: Huh?
Francie: Look at you! You and your tiny little figure. Like you would have ate any cake samples.
(warehouse)
Sydney: I was reading some of my mom's old books that my dad use to give her. I found codes on the pages. It looks like KGB were sending my dad codes through the books. Do you think you could take these to the lab and have them figured out?
Vaughn: (has a blank look on his face) So your dad ate BLT's while your mom read books?
Sydney: Just take these to the lab.
Vaughn: (nods-sits them on a table)
Sydney: Sloane has ordered me to make a drop in Florence, Italy at a park.
Vaughn: I wonder what the Italian word is for spaghetti?
pt.8
(Sloane's office)
Carl: Sydney is the mole!
Sloane: Dude! Quite yelling! Your spitting all over me.
Carl: So what are we going to do?
Sloane: (looking over some files) About what?
Carl: About Sydney!
Sloane: Sydney, Australia?
Carl: I went ahead and sent a message out on server 5 that you were going to have Sydney assassinated.
Sloane: Who did you get to do the job?
Carl: You do realize Sydney's not going to be assassinated. It's only a fake job.
Sloane: I know that but did you get a big burly guy? Or is it one of those tall skinny creepy fellows? You know, maybe we should start hiring women to assassinate people. I've always wanted that one wrestler..uh..Chyna! Yeah, I've always wanted to hire her. She's a lot tougher lookin than Sydney. Of course, if I ever had her fiance killed, she would literally kick my ass.
(at a lab)
Will: Hey! You wanna go see a movie?
Dude: Sure, how about Men in Black?
Will: Nah, I was thinking Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood!
Dude: (Looks at him)
Will: I mean..we should go see it...cause there would be alot of..fly honeys in that theater.
Dude: Oh my God! Where did you get that pin at. It's to die for!
Will: I found it..I mean, when I was making out with this chick, Kate Jones, she gave it to me. Yeah, she gave it to me.
Dude: Let me see that (takes it and examines it) It has a microphone in it.
Will: Are we on hidden camera. If I knew I was going to be on t.v. I would have had my hair done or something.
Dude: Why did she give you this?
Will: Because she was quite taken with my masculine charm.
Dude: No, really. Wait...she didn't give this to you. Did she?
Will: No. I broke into her car and took it. But can you blame me. It goes with almost everything in my wardrobe!
(secret room in CIA building. Jack bursts in)
Vaughn: Oh no! There gonna kill her. I can't watch.
Jack: What the hell is going on in here?
Vaughn: Hey! You swore!
Weiss: We have reason to believe that there is a hit put out on Sydney.
Vaughn: Hit? I thought you said she was gonna be killed.
Jack: Sloane sent it out on server 5 because he knew it was the least secured. If Sydney is pulled out, he'll know she's a double agent. He's not going to have her killed. It's a test!
Vaughn: Damn! I don't like tests.
CIA agent: She's entered the park.
Jack: Call off your men!
CIA agent: Do you want me to tell them to hold?
Weiss: Tell the men to hold!
Vaughn: (singing) It's raining men, hallelujah, it's raining men! (looks around) Sorry.
CIA agent: Shooter spotted. He's heading towards Sydney.
Weiss: I hope your right, Jack.
Vaughn: I can't watch (closes his eyes) Tell me when it's over.
CIA: The shooter has passed. Sydney has exited the park.
Vaughn: Whew, that was scary. I thought I was gonna pee my pants. (looks down) Spoke too soon.
pt.9
(Sloane's office)
Sloane: Jack! My man! What is up?
Jack: Uh...nothing. I guess. (confused) So,uh...how's..it..hanging.?.
Sloane: A little to the left. (starts laughing) No, actually I just got done watching Buffy.
Jack: You said you wanted to talk?
Sloane: Oh, yeah. I need you to go to Cuba and get me some cigars.
Jack: I need to go to Cuba to get you cigars?
Sloane: Oh, I almost forgot. You need to go get Inini Hassan and kill him. Make sure you get the cigars that come in those little black boxes. (pulls out some money) And take this to get yourself a little something extra. Maybe a nice straw hat or oooohhhh! Some of those wicker sandles!
(Sydney and Dixon are on an airplane)
Sydney: (closes her eyes)
(FLASHBACK-at secret warehouse)
Sydney: Let me get this straight. When Dixon and I get off the plane, I'll throw the disk into the trash. You come pick it up, copy it, then place it back in my purse. Right?
Vaughn: Yeah, but the CIA really isn't going to make me wear janitor clothing, are they?
(END FLASHBACK)
Dixon: Sydney! Wake up! We're here.
Sydney: I'm awake.
(they walk off the plane)
Sydney: (spots Vaughn-wearing a Gucci suit with a sign on his back that says "janitor") Oh brother! (drops disk into trash and walks off)
Vaughnrushes over to trash) Oohh! Gross! (reaches into trash can and picks it up) I just had a manicure! (rushes into janitor closet-stares at disk) Now how do I copy this? (takes it over to the Xerox machine) That was easy!
(Sydney's apartment)
Sydney: Francie, the turkey looks beautiful.
Francie: Well it should! I paid Boston Market 50 bucks for it.
Sydney: Oohh. Is this chocolate cake for dessert?
Francie: No, that's a snack I made for myself. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to cook an entire Thanksgiving meal.
Sydney: Where'd you get the pumpkin pie from?
Francie: My girlfriend Sara Lee!
(Cuba-Jack is sitting at a cafe)
Jack: Yes, I would like a little low-fat oatmeal and a black coffee. (purposely knocks fork off table)
Waitress: I'll get that.
Jack: (Watches as waitress bends over) Thank you. (looks over and sees Hissan)
(they both start running. After about a block they both stop)
Jack: (out of breath) Let's..just..call..it...a...truce..
Hissan: (out of breath) O..k...there's..a...strip..club..down..the..street. You..wanna..go?
Jack: Yeah...but.let's..take..a..cab.
pt.10
(secret warehouse)
Sydney: How did you know I wasn't in any danger? That the hitman really wasn't going to shoot me?
Vaughn: Oh, no. I thought you were dead meat. Your dad was the one who told us not to do anything.
Sydney: Right. (stares at him) Did the lab find out anything from those books I gave you?
Vaughn: (notices books still sitting on table in the warehouse) They haven't figured out anything yet.
Sydney: Really? They've had them for almost a week now.
(they hear a noise)
Vaughn: (pulls out his gun)
Sydney: What is that?
Vaughn: It's a water gun! I kind of lost my real gun.
(at strip club)
Hissan: So, why are you here Jack?
Jack: I have a proposition for you?
Hissan: Is that a new toupee?
Jack: Yeah. You like it?
Hissan: Yeah. It's real sharp lookin. You'll never guess what happened to me last month!
Jack: What?
Hissan: I broke my freakin hip! Can you believe it. My wife and I were trying out that Kamasutra book. It's dangerous stuff man!
(Sydney's apartment)
Will: (in the bathroom with the pin) Hello. My name is Will. I'm about 5'3"..no..I'm 6'2" with buldging muscles. I resemble Brad Pitt. If there's any cute guy out there listening, preferbly in his 20's to mid 30's, give me a call at...
Sydney: (knocking) Will! Who the hell are you talking too!?!
Will: No one! (walks out of bathroom) Hey! What ya working on?
Sydney: Rewriting a school paper. Do you know why porn sites keep downloading on my computer?
Will: (tries to act stunned) Nooo. So why is your teacher making you redo your paper?
Sydney: He said it didn't have soul. So I'm putting lots of soul into it.
Will: (reads her paper aloud) Bank accounts. There's not much to say. Poor people don't have them and rich people have them in Swizterland. (flips paper over) That's it?
pt.11
(CIA room where Hissan is being held)
Vaughn: (enters)
Hissan: What do you want!?!
Vaughn: Dude! Calm down! Chill!
Hissan: Jack Bristow said he had a propisition for me.
Vaughn: Well..I don't know if the CIA are gonna allow a prostitute in here, but I can ask. (starts to leave)
Hissan: No you fool! A propisition. A proposal. A plan.
Vaughn: (has a blank look on his face)
Hissan: Forget it. Why am I here?
Vaughn: Oh! Right! Yeah, I don't know. The CIA never really tells me those sort of things. (beeper goes off) (leaves and then comes back in) You're here because the CIA wants to know where your mistle-toe is located.
Hissan: You mean missiles?
Vaughn: Right. Missiles.
Hissan: I will not tell you until you promise me my family will be brought over safely and protected.
Vaughn: You make me sick! Wanting a prostitute when your already married!
Hissan: I didn't want a prostitute! (sighs) I just want my family. Vaughn: Dude! You should have just brought them here with you!
Hissan: I was beaten over the head with a piece of two by four and flown here while I was unconscious.
Vaughn: You know that blood stain is never gonna come out of that shirt. What is that, silk? (starts to feel his shirt)
Hissan: My pants are made out of cotton. Don't feel them!
(Sydney's apartment. Will and Francie are watching t.v.)
Will: Pretty Woman is the best movie of all time!
Francie: What! Your totally forgetting the classics like Die Hard and anything with Denzel Washington!
Will: I wanted to talk to you about something.
Francie: What?
Will: Well, as we all know your getting married. And on your wedding day you'll need something new, something borrowed, something blue, and som..
Francie: Get to the point!
Will: Well, I thought this could be your something borrowed! (pulls out the flower pin/microphone)
Francie: (starts laughing) You want me to wear that god awful ugly pin on my wedding day!
Will: Don't mock! Besides, it has really cool powers.
Francie: Like what?
Will: You can't find out since you just laughed at it.
Francie: Fine. I don't care. (starts to get up)
Will: (pulls her back down) It's got a microphone inside of it!
Francie: So...?
Will: Isn't it cool! The, like, goverment could be listening to us. Ooohhh. You know I've always wanted to date a politician!
(Sloane's office)
Jack: Here are the cigars you wanted.
Sloane: Ssshhh. I'm trying to watch ER!
Jack: Here are the photos of Hissan, dead.
Sloane: (throws photos on desk) Yeah, whatever. ER has never been the same since George Clooney left.
Jack: Is there anything else I can do for you?
Sloane: I could use some more diet soda. Oh, and some ice cream! Make sure it's low fat though. My thighs are already huge, they couldn't possibly get any bigger.
pt.12
(CIA room where Hissan is being held)
Jack: Hello Hissan.
Hissan: I want my family!
Jack: You have to tell us where your missiles are first! (sits down and something falls out of his pocket)
Hissan: What's that?
Jack: (picks it up) It's a picture of my daughter.
Hissan: She's worth about three viagra.
Jack: What?
Hissan: Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never use it.
Jack: Well, yeah. Sydney has a friend that I would pop about 5 viagra for!
Hissan: Oh, and what about that Jennifer Love Hewitt! She's worth about a whole bottle. (snickers)
Jack: (snickers)
(night time-Sydney arrives at Will's house. YMCA by the Village People is playing loudly.)
Sydney: (knocks on the door)
Will: (opens the door) Hey Syd!
Sydney: Hi. I hope it's not a bad time but..
Marshall: (appears in the background) Will, the creme brulee is cooling.
Sydney: Marshall!?!
Marshall: Sydney!?!
Will: Sydney, this is my new friend, Marshall!
Sydney: I better go. (turns around and starts walking)
Will: No wait! We were just gonna do facials! You could use one!
(CIA room where Hissan is being kept)
Hissan: (finishing his food)
Vaughn: They said that if you don't tell us where your weapons are that they'll send you to an all-male prison.
Hissan: Is that your way of telling me I'd be someone's b*tch?
Vaughn: Why would you be someone's dog?
Hissan: No, not a dog! You would send me to prison with a bunch of guys and they would have their way with me?
Vaughnblank look on his face)
Hissan: They would scr*w me!
Vaughn: Sick dude! What are you, gay!?!
Hissan: No!
Vaughn: Then why were you talking about going to prison and getting laid by a bunch of dudes!?!
Hissan: Because...just forget it. I give up. (pushes his plate away)
Vaughnpulls out something) Would you like an after-dinner mint?
Hissan: No!
Vaughn: Are you sure? Hamburgers can leave a bad after taste in your mouth.
Hissan: My weapons are located at Crete.
Vaughn: That's cool. Is it on a beach?
Hissan: Yeah.
Vaughn: So you just lie around the beach all day? Oh, are there any girls in bikinis!?! Oh, sorry. I forgot, you prefer guys.
pt.13
(SD-6 building)
Jack: The weapons are located in Crete?
Sydney: Yes, and you have to convince Sloane to let me go on the mission.
Jack: Maybe he'll let me go on the mission. I'm still the same buff agent I was 30 years ago. (heads into Sloane's office)
Sloane: (excercising to sweating to the oldies) Yo!
Jack: Um..I've just been informed by some allies that Hissan's weapons are located in Crete.
Sloane: (still excercising) I can really feel the burn in my butt. Look at my butt. Doesn't it look tighter?
Jack: I..don't...know. Look, I think it would be a good idea to send Sydney on the mission.
Sloane: What mission?
Jack: To get the weapons in Crete.
Sloane: What weapons?
Jack: In Crete.
Sloane: Richard Simmons is so masculine.
(night time-Will is at his car-a message is written on his window)
Will: (reading his window) Look in the glove box. I knew I had a secret admirer! (opens glove box) Oh la la! A tape! (puts it in and listens to it) This song is horrible. (starts nodding his head) It's not too bad. (hears gun shots on tape) What the f*ck! (speeds off)
(CIA room-with all the cameras-watching Sydney who is in Crete)
Vaughn: Ok, your clear. Head into the building.
Wiess: I think it would be better if you focused the camera on the whole estate rather than Sydney's butt!
Vaughnzooms camera out) Sorry.
Sydney: I found the keypad. What's the code?
Vaughn: Dude! What's the code?
Hissan: Um...793B2S5
Vaughn: 7..9......
Hissan: 3B2S5
Vaughn: 3B2S5
Sydney: It's a number pad. It doesn't have any letters on it!
Vaughn: Um.....
Wiess: What's the real code?
Hissan: Um..(thinking) 6969
Vaughn: (starts laughing)
Wiess: The real code!
Hissan: Fine! 3596
Vaughn: 3596.
Sydney: (punches it in) Got it. (doors open-lots of boxes inside) Where is it?
Vaughn: Where's what?
Sydney: The weapons!
Vaughn: I don't know. Your the one in the building.
Weiss: (rolls his eyes) Hissan, where are the weapons?
Hissan: In a black shipping box.
Vaughn: In a black shipping box Sydney.
Sydney: (searching) Found them! Vaughn, the door is starting to close! I think this is a set up! I'm getting wet!
Vaughn: My voice makes you wet!
Weiss: What's going on?
Hissan: The room will fill up with gasoline and then a fire will be ignited. I will give you the real code if you have your superior sign a paper that states my family will be brought over safely.
Vaughn: (pulls out his water gun) Don't make me spray you!
Hissan: Go ahead!
Vaughn: (stares at him and then runs out of the room) (starts running up stairs but runs out of breath so he takes the elevator.)
pt. 14
(Vaughn-bursts into Devlin's room)
Devlin: What on earth do you think your doing!?!
Vaughn: We need you in the camera room!
Devlin: Why? This isn't like the time you told me to rush to the lobby to show me that the vending machine wasn't working, is it!?!
Vaughn: Actually, they never fixed those...
Devlin: Get to the point!
Vaughn: Um....(thinking)...Um...You made me forget! Sydney! It has something to do with Sydney!
(Devlin and Vaughn burst into camera room)
Devlin: (starts to sign) My pen is out of ink!
Vaughn: (starts feeling his jacket-pulls out candy wrappers and a yo-yo)
Weiss: Here! (hands him a new pen)
Devlin: (signs it) Here you go!
Hissan: (looks at it) You've got pretty nice handwriting for a guy.
Weiss: What's the code!?!
Hissan: 5390
Weiss: (looks at Vaughn)
Vaughn: What? Oh, right. (puts on head set) The code is..
Hissan: 5390
Vaughn: 5390
Sydney: (punches it in) Okay. The door is opening.
(newspaper office)
Willsits down at his desk)
Woman: Didn't you get fired last week?
Will: Yeah, so?
(SD-6 conference room)
Sloane: Sydney your new mission is...(interupted by beeping coming from computer) Ooh, I've got mail. (sits down and reads it)
Sydney: What is my new mission?
Sloane: (starts laughing while reading email) Those jokes crack me up. Anyways, your new mission Sydney is...
Jack: (asleep) Yeah baby. You know I like it like that.
Sloane: Wake up!
Jack: (jerks) I'm up.
Sloane: There's a guy somewhere, has some info, we need him, yada yada yada, you know the rest. (gets back onto his computer) Damn it! The Dawson's Creek chatroom is full!
it would be a good idea to send Sydney on the mission.
Sloane: What mission?
Jack: To get the weapons in Crete.
Sloane: What weapons?
Jack: In Crete.
Sloane: Richard Simmons is so masculine.
(night time-Will is at his car-a message is written on his window)
Will: (reading his window) Look in the glove box. I knew I had a secret admirer! (opens glove box) Oh la la! A tape! (puts it in and listens to it) This song is horrible. (starts nodding his head) It's not too bad. (hears gun shots on tape) What the f*ck! (speeds off)
(CIA room-with all the cameras-watching Sydney who is in Crete)
Vaughn: Ok, your clear. Head into the building.
Wiess: I think it would be better if you focused the camera on the whole estate rather than Sydney's butt!
Vaughnzooms camera out) Sorry.
Sydney: I found the keypad. What's the code?
Vaughn: Dude! What's the code?
Hissan: Um...793B2S5
Vaughn: 7..9......
Hissan: 3B2S5
Vaughn: 3B2S5
Sydney: It's a number pad. It doesn't have any letters on it!
Vaughn: Um.....
Wiess: What's the real code?
Hissan: Um..(thinking) 6969
Vaughn: (starts laughing)
Wiess: The real code!
Hissan: Fine! 3596
Vaughn: 3596.
Sydney: (punches it in) Got it. (doors open-lots of boxes inside) Where is it?
Vaughn: Where's what?
Sydney: The weapons!
Vaughn: I don't know. Your the one in the building.
Weiss: (rolls his eyes) Hissan, where are the weapons?
Hissan: In a black shipping box.
Vaughn: In a black shipping box Sydney.
Sydney: (searching) Found them! Vaughn, the door is starting to close! I think this is a set up! I'm getting wet!
Vaughn: My voice makes you wet!
Weiss: What's going on?
Hissan: The room will fill up with gasoline and then a fire will be ignited. I will give you the real code if you have your superior sign a paper that states my family will be brought over safely.
Vaughn: (pulls out his water gun) Don't make me spray you!
Hissan: Go ahead!
Vaughn: (stares at him and then runs out of the room) (starts running up stairs but runs out of breath so he takes the elevator.)
pt. 14
(Vaughn-bursts into Devlin's room)
Devlin: What on earth do you think your doing!?!
Vaughn: We need you in the camera room!
Devlin: Why? This isn't like the time you told me to rush to the lobby to show me that the vending machine wasn't working, is it!?!
Vaughn: Actually, they never fixed those...
Devlin: Get to the point!
Vaughn: Um....(thinking)...Um...You made me forget! Sydney! It has something to do with Sydney!
(Devlin and Vaughn burst into camera room)
Devlin: (starts to sign) My pen is out of ink!
Vaughn: (starts feeling his jacket-pulls out candy wrappers and a yo-yo)
Weiss: Here! (hands him a new pen)
Devlin: (signs it) Here you go!
Hissan: (looks at it) You've got pretty nice handwriting for a guy.
Weiss: What's the code!?!
Hissan: 5390
Weiss: (looks at Vaughn)
Vaughn: What? Oh, right. (puts on head set) The code is..
Hissan: 5390
Vaughn: 5390
Sydney: (punches it in) Okay. The door is opening.
(newspaper office)
Willsits down at his desk)
Woman: Didn't you get fired last week?
Will: Yeah, so?
(SD-6 conference room)
Sloane: Sydney your new mission is...(interupted by beeping coming from computer) Ooh, I've got mail. (sits down and reads it)
Sydney: What is my new mission?
Sloane: (starts laughing while reading email) Those jokes crack me up. Anyways, your new mission Sydney is...
Jack: (asleep) Yeah baby. You know I like it like that.
Sloane: Wake up!
Jack: (jerks) I'm up.
Sloane: There's a guy somewhere, has some info, we need him, yada yada yada, you know the rest. (gets back onto his computer) Damn it! The Dawson's Creek chatroom is full!
pt.15
(Vaughn's office-Weiss enters)
Weiss: Hey, do you want some pizza?
Vaughn: No thanks.
Weiss: Good. I already ate it all. Barnett want's to see you.
Vaughn: That cute blonde?
Weiss: Yeah.
Vaughn: (runs out of his office)
(Prison-Will enters)
Will: (starts getting frisked by security guard) Ooohh. A little lower.
Security Guard: (stops) Uh..you can go on ahead now.
Will: (enters room-sits down infront of glass window)
David: (sits down)
Will: (looks at him) Hey good lookin, what you've got cookin?
(Barnett's office-Vaughn enters)
Barnett: Good afternoon Vaughn. Why don't you have a seat.
Vaughn: (sits down on couch)
Barnett: Is there anything you would like to share with me?
Vaughn: I have this nasty rash....but I don't think you'd really want it.
Barnett: No! No, I meant about Sydney Bristow.
Vaughn: I don't think she'd want it either!
Barnett: Oh god. Um...I meant..is there anything you would like to discuss with me regarding Sydney Bristow.
Vaughn: No, ooh..are those lollipops? (points to the jar of candy on her desk)
Barnett: Yes. (gives him one) How often do you meet with Sydney Bristow?
Vaughn: (starts counting on his fingers) Um..1..2..3..9..5..(starts over) 1...2..
Barnett: Okay, moving on. Would you say you guys are friends?
Vaughn: Sydney's not a guy.
Barnett: (sighs) I better be getting a pay raise. Would you say you and Sydney are friends.
Vaughn: I don't know. Everytime I suggest we go get manicures or get coordinating outfits, she says no.
Barnett: Did you purchase a Christmas gift for Syndey Bristow?
Vaughn: Purchase?
Barnett: Did you buy Sydney a christmas gift?
Vaughn: Yeah. Oh, sorry. I didn't know you wanted one too.
Barnett: What did you buy Sydney Bristow?
Vaughn: Well, I went to Victoria Secrets
Barnett: (gasps)
Vaughn: but I didn't know if she liked lace or silk, so I got her a poster of spiderman! Wait...how did you know about that? Are you related to Miss Cleo!?!
Barnett: No, we've been recieving reports from someone inside the CIA.
Vaughn: Oh. Ooohhh. Yeah, I don't get it.
pt.16
Sydney: I've been thinking about my mom's old books. What if the codes in them were for her, not my dad. What if my mother was a totally different person. All this time I thought my dad was the bad guy.
Vaughn: (stares at her a minute, then punches her in the shoulder) Hang in their sport. (opens his briefcase-full of candy bars-starts to eat one)
Sydney: My mom might have been the one that killed all of those agents! (starts sobing)
Vaughn: Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want a candy bar?
Sydney: (still crying)
Vaughn: I know I forgot to offer you one but you don't have to cry about it.
Sydney: (stops crying) Um..you like hockey right?
Vaughn: (nods while chewing his candy bar)
Sydney: The Kings are playing at the arena next week. We should go.
Vaughn: (stops chewing-his eyes get big-nods)
Sydney: I'll see ya later. (leaves the warehouse)
Vaughn: Oh boy! Oh boy! I've got a date with Sydney! I better start getting ready. Let's see, I'll need to get some sensual message oil, make sure my lucky boxers are clean, maybe get a tape of Celine Dion singing cause that'll put her in the mood.
(SD-6 parking garage-Sydney and Jack enter the elevator)
Sydney: I wanna quit SD-6!
Jack: (checking his reflection on the doors) Huh?
(elevator stops)
Sydney: What's happening?
Jack: (checks out control panel) The elevator stopped. You know, your mom and I got stuck in an elevator once. I think that was where you were concieved. Or maybe you were concieved in the bathroom at McDonalds. We did it so many places...
Sydney: Dad! I don't wanna hear about that!
(they hear a noise)
Jack: Quick. We need to go through the opening and get on top of the elevator.
(Jack stands on Sydney's shoulders-gets on top of roof-then pulls Sydney through)
(SD-6 buiding-Sloane's office-Cole burts in)
Sloane: (jumps) Oh my God! (start to catch his breath) Whew. Sorry about that. I've never seen anyone so ugly. Well, except for maybe Dryer. Except he wasn't really ugly, just pale.
Cole: Shut up!
Sloane: (pulls out a ruler-holds it up to Cole's face)
Cole: What are you doing!?!
Sloane: I wanna measure your forehead. It's huge!
Cole: (grabs Sloane and drags him to the torture room)
Sloane: (being tied up) Are you gonna be done by 5? Ally McBeal is on and it's the one with that cute Michael Vartan guy.
Cole: You don't remember me, do you?
Sloane: Oh, did you deliver my pizza last week?
Cole: No! I use to work for you! You left me for dead! (pulls out some needles)
Sloane: Have you lost weight? You look thinner? I've tried the zone diet, subway diet, but I can't seem to get those pesky 5 lbs off.
pt.17
(CIA building-Vaughn's office)
Wiess: We just got an email. It was forwarded to you.
Vaughn: Cool. Is it jokes? (takes the paper) Oh, I don't know Dixon. It must be for someone else.
Wiess: SD-6 is under attack! You need to tell Devlin.
Vaughn: Ok. (starts to walk to Devlin's office)
Wiess: (walking also) You wanna speed it up. This is important.
Vaughn: I'm not gonna run! I just spent $300 on this suit. I don't want to sweat all over it. (walks into Devlin's office)
Devlin: What do you want?
Vaughn: (looking around) Did you get new wallpaper? It looks brighter in here.
Devlin: What is it!?!
Vaughn: (hands him the email)
Wiesel: (bursts in) Since Vaughn is suspended from Sydney's case, I should be the one to read that. (reads email) Have their been any other reports. Any reports of unusual activity around the building, any police calls, ambulance calls,...?
Vaughn: Uh......
(SD-6 building)
Sydney: (running)
(a resturant-Will is sitting by himself)
Girl: Excuse me.
Will: Yeah?
Girl: I heard that you know my dad?
Will: Look, tell your dad that I'm not really looking for a relationship right now. If he wants to contact me later though...
Girl: No, dude! I can help you with your story. I can help you find out why my mom was killed.
Will: Oh, so your dad didn't mention me at all? Didn't talk about my great physique, or baby blue eyes.
Girl: (hands him a package)
Will: (opens it up-pulls out a key with a number on it) Is this the key to his cell!?!
Girl: It's a key to a locker. It has my mother's autopsy report in it.
Will: Oh, it's probably just full of nude pictures of your mom then, huh?
Girl: Among other information.
Will: No pictures of your dad?
Girl: (looks at him)
Will: Sorry, um..I'll check it out sometimes. And here's something for you. (hands her a piece of paper)
Girl: (looks at it) Your bill?
Will: Yeah I'm kind of short on money today. Would you mind paying that?
pt.18
3 yrs later: Present Time
(Lockeroom)
Vaughn: (changing) I had this horrible dream.
Weiss: What was it?
Vaughn: That I married some pale woman that talked funny. But she had huge thingies though. Way bigger than Syd’s. But Syd doesn’t show me em anymore.
Weiss: Dude, that wasn’t a dream. Remember, you shot her.
Vaughn: I shot Syd? Oh, do you mean like I shot her with my ‘Vaughn juice’?
Weiss: Gross dude. No, you shot Lauren.
Vaughn: Actually Syd did. The CIA still has this thing with not giving me a real gun.
Weiss: So just how big are Syd’s thingies?
(New Underground CIA black ops center)
Sloane: (In his office-holding a photo of Rimbaldi-singing) Oohh, I don’t want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself. Oh yeah, cause I don’t want anybody else.
Jack: (enters) Excuse me.
Sloane: Jack my man. What’s happenin?
Jack: Nothin much. My Viagra prescription ran out and what I wouldn’t do to get my hands on that new little dark haired morsel that’s recently joined our crew.
Sloane: Your talking about my daughter!
Jack: Yeah, so. I’m a man. A man of many needs.
Sloane: Your one sick bastard, but I love you. Ok, lets get this meeting thing over with. That new John Stamos show is on and I don’t wanna miss it.
(Meeting Room)
Sloane: Welcome back everyone. Its good to be in control again.
Sydney: Whatever.
Sloane: Ah, Clueless. I just saw that movie the other day, quite good. But this is not the time for charades Sydney. We have a major crisis on our hands.
Jack: Wait, we’re missing someone.
Sloane: Oh yeah, that pretty little boy. (looks out window-sees Vaughn-he’s staring at a map trying to find his way around)
Sydney: Vaughn!
Vaughnlooks up-waves-walks over) This place is huge! How did you guys find your way around?
Jack: I’m use to handling big things.
Vaughn: (tries giving Sydney a kiss)
Sydney: Don’t.
Vaughn: Ok. Hey, Mr. Sloane. What’s up? (starts spinning around in his chair) Hehe..this is fun.
Sydney: Where’s Dixon?
Sloane: (starts giggling)
Sydney: What’s so funny.
Sloane: Hehehe..Dix..on…haha. I’m gonna start calling him Dix. Hehe. Hey Dix. Haha.
:redhair: :redhair:
pt. 19
(Sydney’s house)
Sydney: (hears knock at door-answers it) Hi Dad.
Jackwalks in) Hey, how’s it going?
Sydney: Good. What are you doing here?
Jack: Nothin much. Just in the neighborhood.
Sydney: Well if you came to talk about mom and how you had her killed without even telling me and without any regard to my emotional well being let alone my sanity and personal values and …..
Jack: Will you shut up. I’m actually here to see if that roommate of yours is home.
Sydney: You mean my half-sister Nadia?
Jack: Yeah, is that her name? Is she around? I just happen to have two reservations at the most expensive restaurant in town and I just got my prescription filled.
Sydney: She’s out with Weiss.
Jack: That chubby guy! Why, I’m gonna kick his ass.
Vaughn: (walks in) Hey Sydney, I’m back with dinner. Lets see, one happy meal for me and a piece of lettuce with non-fat dressing for you. (sees Jack) Hey Mr. Bristow.
Jack: Hello Vaughn.
Vaughn: Mmm..I don’t know how to say this but I’m not really into kinky stuff, at least not with parents.
Sydney: What?
Vaughn: Well there’s candles and wine, you, Jack, me. All alone in this big empty house.
(CIA underground office-meeting room)
Sloane: Ok, so we have a big, big mission ahead of us, well, actually ahead of you Syd. Mmm…(starts looking at his nails)
Sydney: (coughs)
Sloane: (still looking at his nails)
Sydney: (throws a pencil at him)
Sloane: Huh. What? Oh yeah. So this dude’s name is Sergie or something. I don’t know. Who names there kid Sergie? Anyhoo, anyone catch the new American Idol?
Jackgiving Weiss an evil stare)
Weiss: What? Do I have mustard on my shirt again?
Vaughn: You got hot dogs again without me!
Marshall: I think Sloane meant to turn the floor over to me. So, the October Contingent is looking for new recruits and they have this machine that has electromagnetic pulses….
Jack: (thinking about Nadia in handcuffs with a whip)
Wiess: (thinking about Nadia and Sydney in handcuffs with a whip)
Sloane: (thinking-“I’m buffer than Vaughn. At least I hope so. My pecks could use some work. Maybe I’ll get the number of that Richard Simons guy. He’s in really good shape”)
Nadia: (thinking-I am so the prettier sister. Why does Jack keep twitching his eye at me?)
Vaughn: (thinking-“I Love you, You Love Me, We’re a Happy…uh…..”)
Marshall: …..so, in conclusion, Sydney and Vaughn, you’ll be moving to Moscow to live with the October Contingent.
Everyone: (jerks) What?
(Moscow)
Sydney: (in Russian accent) We are the new recruits. We are here to serve you.
Vaughn: (trying to speak Russian) A blah blah blah, click-click oogie boogie cluck-cluck
Sergie: (looks at them) Get in the van.
Vaughn: Cool. Can I drive?
My name is Sydney Bristow. Seven years..or was it six? Anyways I was recruited by a secret branch of the CIA called SD-6 and sworn to secrecy but I couldn't keep it from my fiance uh..what's his name. The head of SD-6 had him killed. That's when I found out the truth. SD-6 is not part of the CIA. I had been working for the very people I thought I had been fighting against. So I went to the only place that could help me take them down. No! Not Burger King Danny! Shut up! I'm trying to talk. Now I'm a double agent for the..FBI...LAPD..CIA, oh I don't know. There's too many damn initials to remember. My handler is a man named Michael Vaughn whose very hot, and sweet, and masculine. Well...maybe not masculine. I've never actually seen him fight or do anything remotely physical. Only one other person knows the truth about what I do. Another double agent inside SD-6, someone I hardly know, my father.
(inside the conference room at SD-6)
Sloane: Okay everyone. Let's make this quick. There's some dude over in France or Ireland, one of those foreign countries. I want his bank account number. I have a tennis match in 5 minutes so see ya later.
(leaves and then walks back in)
Sloane: Do you think my tennis skirt is too short?
Jack: No. Not at all.
Sloane: It doesn't make my thighs look too big?
Jack: No. It compliments you nicely.
Sydney: So who exactly is this guy?
Sloane: What guy? Are you a double agent?!?
Sydney: No! I was refering to the guy whose bank account numbers you want.
Sloane: Like I know. Peace out.
(Sydney and Jack are left alone inside the conference room)
Sydney: So what do you think?
Jack: I'll probably get a pizza for lunch.
Sydney: No. About my mission.
Jack: Oh, what mission? I wasn't listening. Hey, you know that friend of yours..uh..Francie. Is she seeing anyone?
Sydney: No. Why?
Jack: I thought she might like to get a little take out with me, maybe go dancing.
Sydney: Oh God Dad! Your sick!
Jack: What? I'm a man. I have needs.
(Sydney gives him a dirty look and then walks out)
(Inside the "secret" warehouse)
Vaughn: This little box will allow you to take photos of the bank numbers for the CIA. It comes in a variety of colors too. So just let me know what shoes your planning on wearing so we can color coordinate!
Sydney: Thanks, I guess. Will SD-6 be able to track the radio frequency signals given off from the camera? Or is it a silent transmitter whose signals are undetectable?
Vaughn
has a blank look on his face) Hey, the CIA gave me a real gun today instead of that fake one they made me carry. (twirls gun around his finger and accidently shoots a light out) Ah cool! They gave me bullets too!Sydney: I'm gonna go now. I have a lot of work to do.
Vaughn: Cool. Me too. I have to re-load tetris on my computer.
(Sydney approaches a bank in Florence, Italy)
Sydney: Hello? I need to check my safety deposit box.
Bank Teller #1: Excuse me?
Sydney: My name is Mrs. Smith.
Bank Teller #1: Will you please come into the building rather than standing outside in the drive-thru lane.
(Sydney walks into the building)
Bank Teller #2: (greets Sydney but in Italian)
Sydney: Huh?
Bank Teller #2: (repeats herself)
Sydney: Um...(talks into microphone) I'm going to have to abort the mission.
Dixon: Why?
Sydney: This chick is speaking Russian or something.
Dixon: Just walk to the back where the safety deposit boxes are located.
Sydney: Won't the bank teller try to jump me?
Dixon: She's a 300 lb 40 yr old woman. So unless you have a twinkie I think she'll leave you alone.
Sydney: (walks back)(starts kicking the boxes)
Dixon: Pull the handle.
Sydney: (pulls the handle and opens the box) How'd you get so smart Dixon?
Dixon: From experience. But I guess that accounts for nothing. After all, I've been here for 20 years and without a promotion. Then they hire you. Some 20 year old who doesn't even know how to turn on a t.v. Sloan gives you a nice office, big paycheck, and what do I get? I get stuck in a van while you get to go out into the field and work.
Sydney: What was that? My ear piece shorted out.
Dixon: Oh, I said you looked beautiful.
Sydney: Thank you. I got the numbers.
pt.2
(Sydney enters her apartment)
Francie: Hey girlfirend. What have you been up too?
Sydney: Just some banking stuff.
Francie: So I went to the store today and they were out of that volumizing shampoo I use. So I went to three other stores and couldn't find it. Then I decided to go to lunch and I bumped into some guy who looked just like Mike Tyson but with George Clooney eyebrows. So I sat down and I ordered the pasta salad and the pasta was so hard I thought I was gonna break a tooth on it. Then I went to the video store...
Sydney: Do you ever shut up!?! And, by the way, how did you get into my apartment?
Francie: I had a key made. So, at the video store I got the last copy of..
Will
walks through the door) Hey guys!Sydney: Hi Will.
Will: (stares at Sydney)
Sydney: What?
Will: I was just thinking of how beautiful you are. Like a delicate rose.
Sydney: Thanks but I have a huge zit in my forehead that luckily my foundation covered up. So how are things going with that one guy?
Will: What guy?
sydney: That guy you were seeing.
Will: I don't date guys Sydney. I date girls.
Sydney: Yeah, okay.
(at the warehouse)
Vaughn: How did things go?
Sydny: Good. Those boxes can be confusing though.
Vaughn: Here's your dad's file.
Sydney: What? How did you? I mean..thank you.
Vaughn: No problem.
Sydney: (looks it over) This isn't his file.
Vaughn: Of course it is.
Sydney: No, it isn't. It's a piece of notebook paper with Jack Bristow written at the top and a big smiley face drawn where his picture would be.
Vaughn: Yeah I know. I couldn't get your dad's file, so I did the next best thing. (smiles)
Sydney: Just to let you know, Jack is spelled with only one k.
Vaughn: You know. I'm your handler. Your not suppose to patronize me. I'm suppose to tell you what to do.
Sydney: Sorry. Where did you learn the word patronize?
Vaughn: It was on my word of the day calendar. Oh, did you finally open the Christmas gift I gave you?
Sydney: Yeah. Thank you for the poster of Spiderman.
Vaughn: (smiles) No problem. I thought you'd like it. I have the same one in my office.
Sydney: Well..I better go.
(in the conference room)
Sloane: I have just been informed that there's a mole inside SD-6.
Jack: What are you going to do?
Sloane: I'm gonna hire an exterminator.I just don't know which one to call.
Jack: No. I think they were refering to a mole as someone possibly working as a double agent inside SD-6.
Sloane: If a mole isn't an animal, then why does my lunch keep disappearing?
Jack: (slouches down in his chair)
Sloane: Ok. Now how do I go about finding a mole? (sits, thinking) Oh! I could give everyone an ink block test.
Jack: How would that work?
Sloane: I don't know. I've just always wanted to give one.
Dixon: I think you should call Carl Dryer. He's the best person to use when finding a mole.
Sloane: I think I can handle it. Hmm...what could I do? (sits, thinking some more) Maybe you'd better give me that number. (Dixon hands him a card) 1-800-BABE?
Dixon: Oops. Sorry. Wrong card. (hands him a different card)
Sloane: Sydney, you've been awfully quite. Are you constipated or something?
Sydney: No, I was just thinking about what my next mission would be.
Sloane: Have you ever seen the movie Mission Impossible?
Sydney: Yes.
Sloane: Some people say I look like Tom Cruise.
pt.3
(Sydney's apartment. Her, Will, and Francie are playing scrabble.)
Francie: It. 3 points.
Will: Good job! Ok. Let's see here, if!
Sydney: Ok. That's 1 point. Hmm...hypocritical. 8 points!
Francie: That's not a word!
Will: She's right. That's an animal.
Sydney: Huh?
Will: Yeah, you know. It's big. Sometimes goes by the name hippo!?!
Sydney: That's a hippopotamus!
Francie: Then what kind of animal is a hypocrite?
Will: Maybe it's a cross between a hippo and a cricket!
Sydney: (rolls her eyes) Can we move on?
Francie: Fine but hypocrite is not a word! (puts down tiles) 6 points.
Sydney: Candy is not spelled C-A-N-D-A-Y.
Will. I thought the whole point of this game was to spell actual words or are we suppose to make em up now like you are!?!
(at the warehouse)
Sydney: Sloan suspects a mole inside SD-6.
Vaughn: Is he gonna get an exterminator?
Sydney: A mole? As in a double agent?
Vaughn: I wonder if there's such a thing as a triple agent!
Sydney: (rolls her eyes) Sloan is going to hire Carl Dryer to find the mole. What tactics do you think he'll take?
Vaughn: How should I know?
Sydney: My dad told me it's likely he'll give a functional imaging lie detector test.
Vaughn: Good luck passing that!
Sydney: Can you train me on how to pass it?
Vaughn: Duh!?! When they ask you a question just lie. Do I have to figure out everything for you?
(Jack and Sloane are alone in the conference room)
Sloane: There's an ancient clock SD-6 would like to get its hands on.
Jack: A clock?
Sloane: That's what I said! I told the big bosses that the office is already equipped with more than enough clocks. Mine even has one of those alarms on it!
Jack: Are you going to send Sydney on the mission?
Sloane: Of course. She's the only one we ever send on missions. If you'll excuse me, I have an appointment at the salon. Later!
(Sydney's apartment)
Will: I hate to bring this up, but have you ever wondered about why Danny died?
Sydney: He was killed. That's the end of it!
Will: I found out some information. He was scheduled to leave on a flight that night with a woman named Kate Jones.
Sydney: So....?
Will: Well, I was wondering if you had her number. Obviously Danny had good taste in women so she must be a knockout. (telephone rings)
Francie: (answered the phone) Hello?
Telephone: Joey's pizza.
Francie: Hey. I'd like a large, no..wait, make that an extra large pepperoni pizza with sausage and bacon but with low-fat cheese. Hello? That's wierd.
pt.4
(Warehouse, Sydney is waiting to be hooked up to the lie detector test)
Sydney: Can we start?
Vaughn: Yeah.
Sydney: So you read the manuals on how this test works?
Vaughn: I don't need any manuals. How hard can it be. (starts putting electrodes on)
Sydney: Those are suppose to go on MY head.
Vaughn: Oh..(takes them off and hands them to Sydney) Now where's the on switch. (looks around)
Sydney: (points) Right there.
Vaughn: Ugh! Would you mind pushing it. It's really dirty lookin. (she pushes the button) Thanks!
Sydney: Well...?
Vaughn: Well what?
Sydney: Are you going to ask me questions?
Vaughn: Sure. Um.....do you think I should get bangs?
Sydney: Your suppose to ask me questions that Carl Dryer might ask.
Vaughn: Geez! You don't have to be so mean.
Sydney: Sorry. I'm just really nervous.
Vaughn: Ok. Are you a triple agent?
Sydney: Double!
Vaughn: Right. Are you a double agent?
Sydney: No.
Vaughn: (starts laughing)
Sydney: What is it? Did I stay below 30?
Vaughn: Hehehe. You got a 69. Hehehe. 69.
Sydney: (stares at him)
Vaughn: Are you, uh, romantically interested in anyone?
Sydney: (looks at him)
Vaughn: It could be a question!
Sydney: No.
Vaughn: Do you prefer chocolate syrup or whip cream?
Sydney: (looks at him)
Vaughn: It could be a question!
Sydney: If this were for real, I'd be dead. Wouldn't I?
Vaughn: Your just starting, but yeah. You'd be dead.
(inside the conference room)
Sloane: Sydney, your new mission is to rescue the book that goes along with the clock.
Sydney: What about getting the clock?
Sloane: I'm just gonna by one from Wal-Mart. They'll never know the difference. Oh, you need to take a pregnancy test before you leave
Sydney: What!?!
Jack: I think he means you need to take the lie detector test.
Sloane: Yeah, whatever. Oh, be careful of Carl though. He kept trying to cop-a-feel on me this morning when I took it.
Jack: Why would you have to take the lie detector test? You're the head of SD-6.
Sloane: Carl said I had to.
Jack: Well, he was lying.
Sloane: You mean, he took advantage of me?
Jack: I don't know if I would call it that, but...
Sloane: Oh well. He's not my type anyways. He's a little pale looking, don't ya think?
(Sydney's apartment)
Francie: I can't believe you have to go out of town again!
Sydney: I'll only be gone a few days.
Francie: I don't care that your going but do you think this time you could remember to bring me back a souvenior!?!
Sydney: How about after I get back, we go shopping for a wedding dress?
Francie: No! I'm not getting a dress until I lose some weight. Besides, I wanna shop around for the cake first. You know that they give you free samples, all you can eat! And then we'll need to shop around for a caterer too!
pt.5
(blood bank mobile)
Sydney: I think I failed the lie detector test.
Vaughn: Oh no! If they find out your a double agent, are they gonna kill me too!?!
Sydney: No.
Vaughn: Whew! You had be worried there for a sec.
Sydney: I have to go on another mission with Dixon.
Vaughn: How come they never give you a girl to go with? Especially if you have to find something buried in a mud pit. Then the two of you would have to strip down into tiny bathing suits and get all muddy........Anyways, here's this. (hands her a big walkie-talkie)
Sydney: What's this?
Vaughn: (scratches head) I don't know. I guess the CIA wanted you to be prepared so that if you ever lost your remote control you wouldn't have to get up and walk to the t.v. to change channels. You could just grap your extra remote!
Sydney: I think it's a walkie-talkie.
Vaughn: You don't know how the CIA works at all, do you?
(Dixon and Sydney are in the jungle, they just discovered the big hole where the book is located.)
Sydney: Are you sure it's gonna be safe for be to climb all the way down just on that rickity ladder?
Dixon: Sure! Why not! (pushes her down the hole)
Sydney
lands at the bottom with a big thud) Thanks Dixon! (talking to herself) That made it a lot quicker. Oh, there's the book. Ana: (snatches the book away from Syndey)
Sydney: Hey! Give me that back!
Ana: No!
Sydney: Why do you even want it. You can't even read!
Ana: Well..I could color the pictures in it!
Sydney: It's not a coloring book, stupid! I was hoping it would be a paper doll book though. I've always loved those.
Ana: What's the title of this book anyways?
Sydney: Clocks for dummies. Now give it back!
Ana: Don't make me shoot your skinny little white a*s.
Sydney: Ha! Go ahead! Shoot me! It won't do anything though cause I'm wearing my bullet proof vest!
Ana: (looks at her)
Sydney: Uh oh.
Ana: Is there anyone else here with you?
Sydney: Just Dixon but he's hiding by our van. Damn it! I need to quit doing that.
Ana: If you'll excuse me...
Sydney: Did you just fart?
Ana: No! If you'll excuse me, I'm going to leave now. (whips out a picture of Drew Carey naked)
Sydney: No!!!!!!!!!!!!! My eyes!!!!!!!!!!(passes out)
Ana
climbs up the ladder and leaves)(at a car repair shop)
Will: Excuse me. Do you happen to have Kate Jones's car here?
Mechanic: Yeah, it's over there.
Will: Thanks.
Mechanic: Are you that wierd guy that has been stalking her?
Will: She likes me! I knew she did!
(runs over to her car and gets in)
Will: (speaking to himself) I'll just leave this tape of me singing love songs in her glove department. (finds the flower pin) Whoa! Cool! This will go great with the new coat I just bought!
pt.6
(30 minutes later....)
Sydney
wakes up and climbs up the ladder) Dixon! Dixon! Where are you?Dixon: (groaning) Over here!
Sydney: (runs over to him) Oh GOD! Dixon! What did she do to you?
Dixon: That...woman..took my new Gucci jacket and then..
Sydney: And then what?
Dixon: Oh...it's too horrible to say.
Sydney: You can tell me.
Dixon: Well..she...she tried taking my Prada shirt. Look...this button is almost ready to come off.
Sydney: Don't worry. I'll put my hand on it so it doesn't fall off (looks around for her backpack and pulls out the big walkie talkie Vaughn gave her)
Dixon: At least she didn't take my new shoes (looks down at his bare feet) (passes out)
Sydney: (turns on walkie talkie) This is freelancer. I need a helicopter to take us to a seamstress right away!
(Jack enters a McDonalds)
Jack: I'm here to see Michael Vaughn.
McDonald's employee: Yeah...he's over there arguing with the manager.
Jack: (walks over)
Vaughn: Why won't you let me in the play pen!?!
Manager: It's for kids.
Vaughn: So? I'm a CIA agent. I should be allowed in. Do any of them have a really cool badge or a gun...(looks at his empty holster) where'd I leave that at?
Manager: Are you done?
Vaughn: For now, yes. But I'm gonna hire a lawyer and sue you.
Manager: Are you gonna take me to Judge Judy?
Vaughn: No! You know Judge Judy? I'm sorry. I won't ever bother you again. She's a mean old lady!
Jack: Excuse me?
Manager: Are you this guy's father?
Jack: No, thank god.
Vaughn: Yeah, I know. If I were your son, then Sydney and I would be related and I couldn't get into her pants.
Jack: (glares at him) Why don't we sit down?
Vaughn: Actually I wanted to get a shake...
Jack: Sit!
Vaughn: (sits down)
Jack: I've heard that you've been checking up on me?
Vaughn: I haven't been checking you out!
Jack: I meant that you tried getting into my file.
Vaughn: Tried being the imperative word.
Jack: Imperative?
Vaughn: Word of the day calendar!
Jack: Say no more. I want to make this very clear to you. Don't you ever go into my file again!
Vaughn: I have a question. The only way you would know about me checking up on you, is if you were checking up on me.
Jack: (confused) What?
Vaughn: I don't know.
Jack: I think we're done here. (stands up and starts to leave)
Vaughn: Did you happen to see a gun lying around outside?
Jack: No. Why?
Vaughn: No reason. Just wondering.
(at a clothing store)
Sydney: Is my partner's shirt gonna be alright!
Seamstress: Hold on. I almost have the button back on. Here comes Dixon's wife. Do you know your cover.
Sydney: Yes! I know my cover! Just make sure my partner is going to be okay!
Dixon's wife: How did this happen?
Sydney: We were standing outside Bloomingdales, in New York. These crazy protesters against brand name clothes came and tried ripping Dixon's clothes off. They got his jacket...but not his shirt. The seamstress is doing everything she can to repair the button on the shirt.
Dixon's wife: Can I see him?
Sydney: Yes. (takes her over to Dixon)
Dixon's wife: (starts hitting him with her purse) You stupid fool! Why the hell are you goin and spending 300 bucks on a stupid shirt. If you were awake, I would rip you a new one!
pt.7 (inside Sloane's office)
Carl: I haven't found the mole yet, but I am convinced that the mole is Sydney Bristow.
Sloane: No, it's not.
Carl: Yes, it is.
Sloane: No, it's not. How did you get these cool little black lines on this piece of paper.
Carl: Those are Sydney's results from the lie detector test.
Sloane: Coool.
Carl: What are you going to do about Sydney?
Sloane: Ok. What's this really about? We both know Sydney is not the mole. Do you want me to take you out? Is that it? The only way I'm taking you out to a movie though is if you put a little foundation on your face. Seriously, your pale. Have you ever seen the sun? A trip to a tanning place every now and then wouldn't hurt ya!
Carl: (stares at him and then walks out)
Sloane: It's nice to help people.
(Sydney's apartment-she's in the bathtub when Francie comes barging in)
Francie: Where were you girlfriend?
Sydney: What?
Francie: We were suppose to go shopping for the cake together!
Sydney: Oh God! Francie, I am so sorry. I got tied up with work.
Francie: It's ok.
Sydney: Do you want to go cake shopping tomorrow?
Francie: We better not. I'm not allowed in any store that sells cake. The owners kept saying that I was eating too many samples! Besides, I know why you didn't show up.
Sydney: Huh?
Francie: Look at you! You and your tiny little figure. Like you would have ate any cake samples.
(warehouse)
Sydney: I was reading some of my mom's old books that my dad use to give her. I found codes on the pages. It looks like KGB were sending my dad codes through the books. Do you think you could take these to the lab and have them figured out?
Vaughn: (has a blank look on his face) So your dad ate BLT's while your mom read books?
Sydney: Just take these to the lab.
Vaughn: (nods-sits them on a table)
Sydney: Sloane has ordered me to make a drop in Florence, Italy at a park.
Vaughn: I wonder what the Italian word is for spaghetti?
pt.8
(Sloane's office)
Carl: Sydney is the mole!
Sloane: Dude! Quite yelling! Your spitting all over me.
Carl: So what are we going to do?
Sloane: (looking over some files) About what?
Carl: About Sydney!
Sloane: Sydney, Australia?
Carl: I went ahead and sent a message out on server 5 that you were going to have Sydney assassinated.
Sloane: Who did you get to do the job?
Carl: You do realize Sydney's not going to be assassinated. It's only a fake job.
Sloane: I know that but did you get a big burly guy? Or is it one of those tall skinny creepy fellows? You know, maybe we should start hiring women to assassinate people. I've always wanted that one wrestler..uh..Chyna! Yeah, I've always wanted to hire her. She's a lot tougher lookin than Sydney. Of course, if I ever had her fiance killed, she would literally kick my ass.
(at a lab)
Will: Hey! You wanna go see a movie?
Dude: Sure, how about Men in Black?
Will: Nah, I was thinking Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood!
Dude: (Looks at him)
Will: I mean..we should go see it...cause there would be alot of..fly honeys in that theater.
Dude: Oh my God! Where did you get that pin at. It's to die for!
Will: I found it..I mean, when I was making out with this chick, Kate Jones, she gave it to me. Yeah, she gave it to me.
Dude: Let me see that (takes it and examines it) It has a microphone in it.
Will: Are we on hidden camera. If I knew I was going to be on t.v. I would have had my hair done or something.
Dude: Why did she give you this?
Will: Because she was quite taken with my masculine charm.
Dude: No, really. Wait...she didn't give this to you. Did she?
Will: No. I broke into her car and took it. But can you blame me. It goes with almost everything in my wardrobe!
(secret room in CIA building. Jack bursts in)
Vaughn: Oh no! There gonna kill her. I can't watch.
Jack: What the hell is going on in here?
Vaughn: Hey! You swore!
Weiss: We have reason to believe that there is a hit put out on Sydney.
Vaughn: Hit? I thought you said she was gonna be killed.
Jack: Sloane sent it out on server 5 because he knew it was the least secured. If Sydney is pulled out, he'll know she's a double agent. He's not going to have her killed. It's a test!
Vaughn: Damn! I don't like tests.
CIA agent: She's entered the park.
Jack: Call off your men!
CIA agent: Do you want me to tell them to hold?
Weiss: Tell the men to hold!
Vaughn: (singing) It's raining men, hallelujah, it's raining men! (looks around) Sorry.
CIA agent: Shooter spotted. He's heading towards Sydney.
Weiss: I hope your right, Jack.
Vaughn: I can't watch (closes his eyes) Tell me when it's over.
CIA: The shooter has passed. Sydney has exited the park.
Vaughn: Whew, that was scary. I thought I was gonna pee my pants. (looks down) Spoke too soon.
pt.9
(Sloane's office)
Sloane: Jack! My man! What is up?
Jack: Uh...nothing. I guess. (confused) So,uh...how's..it..hanging.?.
Sloane: A little to the left. (starts laughing) No, actually I just got done watching Buffy.
Jack: You said you wanted to talk?
Sloane: Oh, yeah. I need you to go to Cuba and get me some cigars.
Jack: I need to go to Cuba to get you cigars?
Sloane: Oh, I almost forgot. You need to go get Inini Hassan and kill him. Make sure you get the cigars that come in those little black boxes. (pulls out some money) And take this to get yourself a little something extra. Maybe a nice straw hat or oooohhhh! Some of those wicker sandles!
(Sydney and Dixon are on an airplane)
Sydney: (closes her eyes)
(FLASHBACK-at secret warehouse)
Sydney: Let me get this straight. When Dixon and I get off the plane, I'll throw the disk into the trash. You come pick it up, copy it, then place it back in my purse. Right?
Vaughn: Yeah, but the CIA really isn't going to make me wear janitor clothing, are they?
(END FLASHBACK)
Dixon: Sydney! Wake up! We're here.
Sydney: I'm awake.
(they walk off the plane)
Sydney: (spots Vaughn-wearing a Gucci suit with a sign on his back that says "janitor") Oh brother! (drops disk into trash and walks off)
Vaughn
rushes over to trash) Oohh! Gross! (reaches into trash can and picks it up) I just had a manicure! (rushes into janitor closet-stares at disk) Now how do I copy this? (takes it over to the Xerox machine) That was easy!(Sydney's apartment)
Sydney: Francie, the turkey looks beautiful.
Francie: Well it should! I paid Boston Market 50 bucks for it.
Sydney: Oohh. Is this chocolate cake for dessert?
Francie: No, that's a snack I made for myself. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to cook an entire Thanksgiving meal.
Sydney: Where'd you get the pumpkin pie from?
Francie: My girlfriend Sara Lee!
(Cuba-Jack is sitting at a cafe)
Jack: Yes, I would like a little low-fat oatmeal and a black coffee. (purposely knocks fork off table)
Waitress: I'll get that.
Jack: (Watches as waitress bends over) Thank you. (looks over and sees Hissan)
(they both start running. After about a block they both stop)
Jack: (out of breath) Let's..just..call..it...a...truce..
Hissan: (out of breath) O..k...there's..a...strip..club..down..the..street. You..wanna..go?
Jack: Yeah...but.let's..take..a..cab.
pt.10
(secret warehouse)
Sydney: How did you know I wasn't in any danger? That the hitman really wasn't going to shoot me?
Vaughn: Oh, no. I thought you were dead meat. Your dad was the one who told us not to do anything.
Sydney: Right. (stares at him) Did the lab find out anything from those books I gave you?
Vaughn: (notices books still sitting on table in the warehouse) They haven't figured out anything yet.
Sydney: Really? They've had them for almost a week now.
(they hear a noise)
Vaughn: (pulls out his gun)
Sydney: What is that?
Vaughn: It's a water gun! I kind of lost my real gun.
(at strip club)
Hissan: So, why are you here Jack?
Jack: I have a proposition for you?
Hissan: Is that a new toupee?
Jack: Yeah. You like it?
Hissan: Yeah. It's real sharp lookin. You'll never guess what happened to me last month!
Jack: What?
Hissan: I broke my freakin hip! Can you believe it. My wife and I were trying out that Kamasutra book. It's dangerous stuff man!
(Sydney's apartment)
Will: (in the bathroom with the pin) Hello. My name is Will. I'm about 5'3"..no..I'm 6'2" with buldging muscles. I resemble Brad Pitt. If there's any cute guy out there listening, preferbly in his 20's to mid 30's, give me a call at...
Sydney: (knocking) Will! Who the hell are you talking too!?!
Will: No one! (walks out of bathroom) Hey! What ya working on?
Sydney: Rewriting a school paper. Do you know why porn sites keep downloading on my computer?
Will: (tries to act stunned) Nooo. So why is your teacher making you redo your paper?
Sydney: He said it didn't have soul. So I'm putting lots of soul into it.
Will: (reads her paper aloud) Bank accounts. There's not much to say. Poor people don't have them and rich people have them in Swizterland. (flips paper over) That's it?
pt.11
(CIA room where Hissan is being held)
Vaughn: (enters)
Hissan: What do you want!?!
Vaughn: Dude! Calm down! Chill!
Hissan: Jack Bristow said he had a propisition for me.
Vaughn: Well..I don't know if the CIA are gonna allow a prostitute in here, but I can ask. (starts to leave)
Hissan: No you fool! A propisition. A proposal. A plan.
Vaughn: (has a blank look on his face)
Hissan: Forget it. Why am I here?
Vaughn: Oh! Right! Yeah, I don't know. The CIA never really tells me those sort of things. (beeper goes off) (leaves and then comes back in) You're here because the CIA wants to know where your mistle-toe is located.
Hissan: You mean missiles?
Vaughn: Right. Missiles.
Hissan: I will not tell you until you promise me my family will be brought over safely and protected.
Vaughn: You make me sick! Wanting a prostitute when your already married!
Hissan: I didn't want a prostitute! (sighs) I just want my family. Vaughn: Dude! You should have just brought them here with you!
Hissan: I was beaten over the head with a piece of two by four and flown here while I was unconscious.
Vaughn: You know that blood stain is never gonna come out of that shirt. What is that, silk? (starts to feel his shirt)
Hissan: My pants are made out of cotton. Don't feel them!
(Sydney's apartment. Will and Francie are watching t.v.)
Will: Pretty Woman is the best movie of all time!
Francie: What! Your totally forgetting the classics like Die Hard and anything with Denzel Washington!
Will: I wanted to talk to you about something.
Francie: What?
Will: Well, as we all know your getting married. And on your wedding day you'll need something new, something borrowed, something blue, and som..
Francie: Get to the point!
Will: Well, I thought this could be your something borrowed! (pulls out the flower pin/microphone)
Francie: (starts laughing) You want me to wear that god awful ugly pin on my wedding day!
Will: Don't mock! Besides, it has really cool powers.
Francie: Like what?
Will: You can't find out since you just laughed at it.
Francie: Fine. I don't care. (starts to get up)
Will: (pulls her back down) It's got a microphone inside of it!
Francie: So...?
Will: Isn't it cool! The, like, goverment could be listening to us. Ooohhh. You know I've always wanted to date a politician!
(Sloane's office)
Jack: Here are the cigars you wanted.
Sloane: Ssshhh. I'm trying to watch ER!
Jack: Here are the photos of Hissan, dead.
Sloane: (throws photos on desk) Yeah, whatever. ER has never been the same since George Clooney left.
Jack: Is there anything else I can do for you?
Sloane: I could use some more diet soda. Oh, and some ice cream! Make sure it's low fat though. My thighs are already huge, they couldn't possibly get any bigger.
pt.12
(CIA room where Hissan is being held)
Jack: Hello Hissan.
Hissan: I want my family!
Jack: You have to tell us where your missiles are first! (sits down and something falls out of his pocket)
Hissan: What's that?
Jack: (picks it up) It's a picture of my daughter.
Hissan: She's worth about three viagra.
Jack: What?
Hissan: Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never use it.
Jack: Well, yeah. Sydney has a friend that I would pop about 5 viagra for!
Hissan: Oh, and what about that Jennifer Love Hewitt! She's worth about a whole bottle. (snickers)
Jack: (snickers)
(night time-Sydney arrives at Will's house. YMCA by the Village People is playing loudly.)
Sydney: (knocks on the door)
Will: (opens the door) Hey Syd!
Sydney: Hi. I hope it's not a bad time but..
Marshall: (appears in the background) Will, the creme brulee is cooling.
Sydney: Marshall!?!
Marshall: Sydney!?!
Will: Sydney, this is my new friend, Marshall!
Sydney: I better go. (turns around and starts walking)
Will: No wait! We were just gonna do facials! You could use one!
(CIA room where Hissan is being kept)
Hissan: (finishing his food)
Vaughn: They said that if you don't tell us where your weapons are that they'll send you to an all-male prison.
Hissan: Is that your way of telling me I'd be someone's b*tch?
Vaughn: Why would you be someone's dog?
Hissan: No, not a dog! You would send me to prison with a bunch of guys and they would have their way with me?
Vaughn
blank look on his face)Hissan: They would scr*w me!
Vaughn: Sick dude! What are you, gay!?!
Hissan: No!
Vaughn: Then why were you talking about going to prison and getting laid by a bunch of dudes!?!
Hissan: Because...just forget it. I give up. (pushes his plate away)
Vaughn
pulls out something) Would you like an after-dinner mint?Hissan: No!
Vaughn: Are you sure? Hamburgers can leave a bad after taste in your mouth.
Hissan: My weapons are located at Crete.
Vaughn: That's cool. Is it on a beach?
Hissan: Yeah.
Vaughn: So you just lie around the beach all day? Oh, are there any girls in bikinis!?! Oh, sorry. I forgot, you prefer guys.
pt.13
(SD-6 building)
Jack: The weapons are located in Crete?
Sydney: Yes, and you have to convince Sloane to let me go on the mission.
Jack: Maybe he'll let me go on the mission. I'm still the same buff agent I was 30 years ago. (heads into Sloane's office)
Sloane: (excercising to sweating to the oldies) Yo!
Jack: Um..I've just been informed by some allies that Hissan's weapons are located in Crete.
Sloane: (still excercising) I can really feel the burn in my butt. Look at my butt. Doesn't it look tighter?
Jack: I..don't...know. Look, I think it would be a good idea to send Sydney on the mission.
Sloane: What mission?
Jack: To get the weapons in Crete.
Sloane: What weapons?
Jack: In Crete.
Sloane: Richard Simmons is so masculine.
(night time-Will is at his car-a message is written on his window)
Will: (reading his window) Look in the glove box. I knew I had a secret admirer! (opens glove box) Oh la la! A tape! (puts it in and listens to it) This song is horrible. (starts nodding his head) It's not too bad. (hears gun shots on tape) What the f*ck! (speeds off)
(CIA room-with all the cameras-watching Sydney who is in Crete)
Vaughn: Ok, your clear. Head into the building.
Wiess: I think it would be better if you focused the camera on the whole estate rather than Sydney's butt!
Vaughn
zooms camera out) Sorry.Sydney: I found the keypad. What's the code?
Vaughn: Dude! What's the code?
Hissan: Um...793B2S5
Vaughn: 7..9......
Hissan: 3B2S5
Vaughn: 3B2S5
Sydney: It's a number pad. It doesn't have any letters on it!
Vaughn: Um.....
Wiess: What's the real code?
Hissan: Um..(thinking) 6969
Vaughn: (starts laughing)
Wiess: The real code!
Hissan: Fine! 3596
Vaughn: 3596.
Sydney: (punches it in) Got it. (doors open-lots of boxes inside) Where is it?
Vaughn: Where's what?
Sydney: The weapons!
Vaughn: I don't know. Your the one in the building.
Weiss: (rolls his eyes) Hissan, where are the weapons?
Hissan: In a black shipping box.
Vaughn: In a black shipping box Sydney.
Sydney: (searching) Found them! Vaughn, the door is starting to close! I think this is a set up! I'm getting wet!
Vaughn: My voice makes you wet!
Weiss: What's going on?
Hissan: The room will fill up with gasoline and then a fire will be ignited. I will give you the real code if you have your superior sign a paper that states my family will be brought over safely.
Vaughn: (pulls out his water gun) Don't make me spray you!
Hissan: Go ahead!
Vaughn: (stares at him and then runs out of the room) (starts running up stairs but runs out of breath so he takes the elevator.)
pt. 14
(Vaughn-bursts into Devlin's room)
Devlin: What on earth do you think your doing!?!
Vaughn: We need you in the camera room!
Devlin: Why? This isn't like the time you told me to rush to the lobby to show me that the vending machine wasn't working, is it!?!
Vaughn: Actually, they never fixed those...
Devlin: Get to the point!
Vaughn: Um....(thinking)...Um...You made me forget! Sydney! It has something to do with Sydney!
(Devlin and Vaughn burst into camera room)
Devlin: (starts to sign) My pen is out of ink!
Vaughn: (starts feeling his jacket-pulls out candy wrappers and a yo-yo)
Weiss: Here! (hands him a new pen)
Devlin: (signs it) Here you go!
Hissan: (looks at it) You've got pretty nice handwriting for a guy.
Weiss: What's the code!?!
Hissan: 5390
Weiss: (looks at Vaughn)
Vaughn: What? Oh, right. (puts on head set) The code is..
Hissan: 5390
Vaughn: 5390
Sydney: (punches it in) Okay. The door is opening.
(newspaper office)
Will
sits down at his desk)Woman: Didn't you get fired last week?
Will: Yeah, so?
(SD-6 conference room)
Sloane: Sydney your new mission is...(interupted by beeping coming from computer) Ooh, I've got mail. (sits down and reads it)
Sydney: What is my new mission?
Sloane: (starts laughing while reading email) Those jokes crack me up. Anyways, your new mission Sydney is...
Jack: (asleep) Yeah baby. You know I like it like that.
Sloane: Wake up!
Jack: (jerks) I'm up.
Sloane: There's a guy somewhere, has some info, we need him, yada yada yada, you know the rest. (gets back onto his computer) Damn it! The Dawson's Creek chatroom is full!
it would be a good idea to send Sydney on the mission.
Sloane: What mission?
Jack: To get the weapons in Crete.
Sloane: What weapons?
Jack: In Crete.
Sloane: Richard Simmons is so masculine.
(night time-Will is at his car-a message is written on his window)
Will: (reading his window) Look in the glove box. I knew I had a secret admirer! (opens glove box) Oh la la! A tape! (puts it in and listens to it) This song is horrible. (starts nodding his head) It's not too bad. (hears gun shots on tape) What the f*ck! (speeds off)
(CIA room-with all the cameras-watching Sydney who is in Crete)
Vaughn: Ok, your clear. Head into the building.
Wiess: I think it would be better if you focused the camera on the whole estate rather than Sydney's butt!
Vaughn
zooms camera out) Sorry.Sydney: I found the keypad. What's the code?
Vaughn: Dude! What's the code?
Hissan: Um...793B2S5
Vaughn: 7..9......
Hissan: 3B2S5
Vaughn: 3B2S5
Sydney: It's a number pad. It doesn't have any letters on it!
Vaughn: Um.....
Wiess: What's the real code?
Hissan: Um..(thinking) 6969
Vaughn: (starts laughing)
Wiess: The real code!
Hissan: Fine! 3596
Vaughn: 3596.
Sydney: (punches it in) Got it. (doors open-lots of boxes inside) Where is it?
Vaughn: Where's what?
Sydney: The weapons!
Vaughn: I don't know. Your the one in the building.
Weiss: (rolls his eyes) Hissan, where are the weapons?
Hissan: In a black shipping box.
Vaughn: In a black shipping box Sydney.
Sydney: (searching) Found them! Vaughn, the door is starting to close! I think this is a set up! I'm getting wet!
Vaughn: My voice makes you wet!
Weiss: What's going on?
Hissan: The room will fill up with gasoline and then a fire will be ignited. I will give you the real code if you have your superior sign a paper that states my family will be brought over safely.
Vaughn: (pulls out his water gun) Don't make me spray you!
Hissan: Go ahead!
Vaughn: (stares at him and then runs out of the room) (starts running up stairs but runs out of breath so he takes the elevator.)
pt. 14
(Vaughn-bursts into Devlin's room)
Devlin: What on earth do you think your doing!?!
Vaughn: We need you in the camera room!
Devlin: Why? This isn't like the time you told me to rush to the lobby to show me that the vending machine wasn't working, is it!?!
Vaughn: Actually, they never fixed those...
Devlin: Get to the point!
Vaughn: Um....(thinking)...Um...You made me forget! Sydney! It has something to do with Sydney!
(Devlin and Vaughn burst into camera room)
Devlin: (starts to sign) My pen is out of ink!
Vaughn: (starts feeling his jacket-pulls out candy wrappers and a yo-yo)
Weiss: Here! (hands him a new pen)
Devlin: (signs it) Here you go!
Hissan: (looks at it) You've got pretty nice handwriting for a guy.
Weiss: What's the code!?!
Hissan: 5390
Weiss: (looks at Vaughn)
Vaughn: What? Oh, right. (puts on head set) The code is..
Hissan: 5390
Vaughn: 5390
Sydney: (punches it in) Okay. The door is opening.
(newspaper office)
Will
sits down at his desk)Woman: Didn't you get fired last week?
Will: Yeah, so?
(SD-6 conference room)
Sloane: Sydney your new mission is...(interupted by beeping coming from computer) Ooh, I've got mail. (sits down and reads it)
Sydney: What is my new mission?
Sloane: (starts laughing while reading email) Those jokes crack me up. Anyways, your new mission Sydney is...
Jack: (asleep) Yeah baby. You know I like it like that.
Sloane: Wake up!
Jack: (jerks) I'm up.
Sloane: There's a guy somewhere, has some info, we need him, yada yada yada, you know the rest. (gets back onto his computer) Damn it! The Dawson's Creek chatroom is full!
pt.15
(Vaughn's office-Weiss enters)
Weiss: Hey, do you want some pizza?
Vaughn: No thanks.
Weiss: Good. I already ate it all. Barnett want's to see you.
Vaughn: That cute blonde?
Weiss: Yeah.
Vaughn: (runs out of his office)
(Prison-Will enters)
Will: (starts getting frisked by security guard) Ooohh. A little lower.
Security Guard: (stops) Uh..you can go on ahead now.
Will: (enters room-sits down infront of glass window)
David: (sits down)
Will: (looks at him) Hey good lookin, what you've got cookin?
(Barnett's office-Vaughn enters)
Barnett: Good afternoon Vaughn. Why don't you have a seat.
Vaughn: (sits down on couch)
Barnett: Is there anything you would like to share with me?
Vaughn: I have this nasty rash....but I don't think you'd really want it.
Barnett: No! No, I meant about Sydney Bristow.
Vaughn: I don't think she'd want it either!
Barnett: Oh god. Um...I meant..is there anything you would like to discuss with me regarding Sydney Bristow.
Vaughn: No, ooh..are those lollipops? (points to the jar of candy on her desk)
Barnett: Yes. (gives him one) How often do you meet with Sydney Bristow?
Vaughn: (starts counting on his fingers) Um..1..2..3..9..5..(starts over) 1...2..
Barnett: Okay, moving on. Would you say you guys are friends?
Vaughn: Sydney's not a guy.
Barnett: (sighs) I better be getting a pay raise. Would you say you and Sydney are friends.
Vaughn: I don't know. Everytime I suggest we go get manicures or get coordinating outfits, she says no.
Barnett: Did you purchase a Christmas gift for Syndey Bristow?
Vaughn: Purchase?
Barnett: Did you buy Sydney a christmas gift?
Vaughn: Yeah. Oh, sorry. I didn't know you wanted one too.
Barnett: What did you buy Sydney Bristow?
Vaughn: Well, I went to Victoria Secrets
Barnett: (gasps)
Vaughn: but I didn't know if she liked lace or silk, so I got her a poster of spiderman! Wait...how did you know about that? Are you related to Miss Cleo!?!
Barnett: No, we've been recieving reports from someone inside the CIA.
Vaughn: Oh. Ooohhh. Yeah, I don't get it.
pt.16
Sydney: I've been thinking about my mom's old books. What if the codes in them were for her, not my dad. What if my mother was a totally different person. All this time I thought my dad was the bad guy.
Vaughn: (stares at her a minute, then punches her in the shoulder) Hang in their sport. (opens his briefcase-full of candy bars-starts to eat one)
Sydney: My mom might have been the one that killed all of those agents! (starts sobing)
Vaughn: Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want a candy bar?
Sydney: (still crying)
Vaughn: I know I forgot to offer you one but you don't have to cry about it.
Sydney: (stops crying) Um..you like hockey right?
Vaughn: (nods while chewing his candy bar)
Sydney: The Kings are playing at the arena next week. We should go.
Vaughn: (stops chewing-his eyes get big-nods)
Sydney: I'll see ya later. (leaves the warehouse)
Vaughn: Oh boy! Oh boy! I've got a date with Sydney! I better start getting ready. Let's see, I'll need to get some sensual message oil, make sure my lucky boxers are clean, maybe get a tape of Celine Dion singing cause that'll put her in the mood.
(SD-6 parking garage-Sydney and Jack enter the elevator)
Sydney: I wanna quit SD-6!
Jack: (checking his reflection on the doors) Huh?
(elevator stops)
Sydney: What's happening?
Jack: (checks out control panel) The elevator stopped. You know, your mom and I got stuck in an elevator once. I think that was where you were concieved. Or maybe you were concieved in the bathroom at McDonalds. We did it so many places...
Sydney: Dad! I don't wanna hear about that!
(they hear a noise)
Jack: Quick. We need to go through the opening and get on top of the elevator.
(Jack stands on Sydney's shoulders-gets on top of roof-then pulls Sydney through)
(SD-6 buiding-Sloane's office-Cole burts in)
Sloane: (jumps) Oh my God! (start to catch his breath) Whew. Sorry about that. I've never seen anyone so ugly. Well, except for maybe Dryer. Except he wasn't really ugly, just pale.
Cole: Shut up!
Sloane: (pulls out a ruler-holds it up to Cole's face)
Cole: What are you doing!?!
Sloane: I wanna measure your forehead. It's huge!
Cole: (grabs Sloane and drags him to the torture room)
Sloane: (being tied up) Are you gonna be done by 5? Ally McBeal is on and it's the one with that cute Michael Vartan guy.
Cole: You don't remember me, do you?
Sloane: Oh, did you deliver my pizza last week?
Cole: No! I use to work for you! You left me for dead! (pulls out some needles)
Sloane: Have you lost weight? You look thinner? I've tried the zone diet, subway diet, but I can't seem to get those pesky 5 lbs off.
pt.17
(CIA building-Vaughn's office)
Wiess: We just got an email. It was forwarded to you.
Vaughn: Cool. Is it jokes? (takes the paper) Oh, I don't know Dixon. It must be for someone else.
Wiess: SD-6 is under attack! You need to tell Devlin.
Vaughn: Ok. (starts to walk to Devlin's office)
Wiess: (walking also) You wanna speed it up. This is important.
Vaughn: I'm not gonna run! I just spent $300 on this suit. I don't want to sweat all over it. (walks into Devlin's office)
Devlin: What do you want?
Vaughn: (looking around) Did you get new wallpaper? It looks brighter in here.
Devlin: What is it!?!
Vaughn: (hands him the email)
Wiesel: (bursts in) Since Vaughn is suspended from Sydney's case, I should be the one to read that. (reads email) Have their been any other reports. Any reports of unusual activity around the building, any police calls, ambulance calls,...?
Vaughn: Uh......
(SD-6 building)
Sydney: (running)
(a resturant-Will is sitting by himself)
Girl: Excuse me.
Will: Yeah?
Girl: I heard that you know my dad?
Will: Look, tell your dad that I'm not really looking for a relationship right now. If he wants to contact me later though...
Girl: No, dude! I can help you with your story. I can help you find out why my mom was killed.
Will: Oh, so your dad didn't mention me at all? Didn't talk about my great physique, or baby blue eyes.
Girl: (hands him a package)
Will: (opens it up-pulls out a key with a number on it) Is this the key to his cell!?!
Girl: It's a key to a locker. It has my mother's autopsy report in it.
Will: Oh, it's probably just full of nude pictures of your mom then, huh?
Girl: Among other information.
Will: No pictures of your dad?
Girl: (looks at him)
Will: Sorry, um..I'll check it out sometimes. And here's something for you. (hands her a piece of paper)
Girl: (looks at it) Your bill?
Will: Yeah I'm kind of short on money today. Would you mind paying that?
pt.18
3 yrs later: Present Time
(Lockeroom)
Vaughn: (changing) I had this horrible dream.
Weiss: What was it?
Vaughn: That I married some pale woman that talked funny. But she had huge thingies though. Way bigger than Syd’s. But Syd doesn’t show me em anymore.
Weiss: Dude, that wasn’t a dream. Remember, you shot her.
Vaughn: I shot Syd? Oh, do you mean like I shot her with my ‘Vaughn juice’?
Weiss: Gross dude. No, you shot Lauren.
Vaughn: Actually Syd did. The CIA still has this thing with not giving me a real gun.
Weiss: So just how big are Syd’s thingies?
(New Underground CIA black ops center)
Sloane: (In his office-holding a photo of Rimbaldi-singing) Oohh, I don’t want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself. Oh yeah, cause I don’t want anybody else.
Jack: (enters) Excuse me.
Sloane: Jack my man. What’s happenin?
Jack: Nothin much. My Viagra prescription ran out and what I wouldn’t do to get my hands on that new little dark haired morsel that’s recently joined our crew.
Sloane: Your talking about my daughter!
Jack: Yeah, so. I’m a man. A man of many needs.
Sloane: Your one sick bastard, but I love you. Ok, lets get this meeting thing over with. That new John Stamos show is on and I don’t wanna miss it.
(Meeting Room)
Sloane: Welcome back everyone. Its good to be in control again.
Sydney: Whatever.
Sloane: Ah, Clueless. I just saw that movie the other day, quite good. But this is not the time for charades Sydney. We have a major crisis on our hands.
Jack: Wait, we’re missing someone.
Sloane: Oh yeah, that pretty little boy. (looks out window-sees Vaughn-he’s staring at a map trying to find his way around)
Sydney: Vaughn!
Vaughn
looks up-waves-walks over) This place is huge! How did you guys find your way around?Jack: I’m use to handling big things.
Vaughn: (tries giving Sydney a kiss)
Sydney: Don’t.
Vaughn: Ok. Hey, Mr. Sloane. What’s up? (starts spinning around in his chair) Hehe..this is fun.
Sydney: Where’s Dixon?
Sloane: (starts giggling)
Sydney: What’s so funny.
Sloane: Hehehe..Dix..on…haha. I’m gonna start calling him Dix. Hehe. Hey Dix. Haha.
:redhair: :redhair:
pt. 19
(Sydney’s house)
Sydney: (hears knock at door-answers it) Hi Dad.
Jack
walks in) Hey, how’s it going?Sydney: Good. What are you doing here?
Jack: Nothin much. Just in the neighborhood.
Sydney: Well if you came to talk about mom and how you had her killed without even telling me and without any regard to my emotional well being let alone my sanity and personal values and …..
Jack: Will you shut up. I’m actually here to see if that roommate of yours is home.
Sydney: You mean my half-sister Nadia?
Jack: Yeah, is that her name? Is she around? I just happen to have two reservations at the most expensive restaurant in town and I just got my prescription filled.
Sydney: She’s out with Weiss.
Jack: That chubby guy! Why, I’m gonna kick his ass.
Vaughn: (walks in) Hey Sydney, I’m back with dinner. Lets see, one happy meal for me and a piece of lettuce with non-fat dressing for you. (sees Jack) Hey Mr. Bristow.
Jack: Hello Vaughn.
Vaughn: Mmm..I don’t know how to say this but I’m not really into kinky stuff, at least not with parents.
Sydney: What?
Vaughn: Well there’s candles and wine, you, Jack, me. All alone in this big empty house.
(CIA underground office-meeting room)
Sloane: Ok, so we have a big, big mission ahead of us, well, actually ahead of you Syd. Mmm…(starts looking at his nails)
Sydney: (coughs)
Sloane: (still looking at his nails)
Sydney: (throws a pencil at him)
Sloane: Huh. What? Oh yeah. So this dude’s name is Sergie or something. I don’t know. Who names there kid Sergie? Anyhoo, anyone catch the new American Idol?
Jack
giving Weiss an evil stare)Weiss: What? Do I have mustard on my shirt again?
Vaughn: You got hot dogs again without me!
Marshall: I think Sloane meant to turn the floor over to me. So, the October Contingent is looking for new recruits and they have this machine that has electromagnetic pulses….
Jack: (thinking about Nadia in handcuffs with a whip)
Wiess: (thinking about Nadia and Sydney in handcuffs with a whip)
Sloane: (thinking-“I’m buffer than Vaughn. At least I hope so. My pecks could use some work. Maybe I’ll get the number of that Richard Simons guy. He’s in really good shape”)
Nadia: (thinking-I am so the prettier sister. Why does Jack keep twitching his eye at me?)
Vaughn: (thinking-“I Love you, You Love Me, We’re a Happy…uh…..”)
Marshall: …..so, in conclusion, Sydney and Vaughn, you’ll be moving to Moscow to live with the October Contingent.
Everyone: (jerks) What?
(Moscow)
Sydney: (in Russian accent) We are the new recruits. We are here to serve you.
Vaughn: (trying to speak Russian) A blah blah blah, click-click oogie boogie cluck-cluck
Sergie: (looks at them) Get in the van.
Vaughn: Cool. Can I drive?