Death In Liberty City
- Thread starter ALIASX
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to DEATH IN LIBERTY CITY. I,m not all the way ready yet so if you want to read this come back on the 29th of september. 
Because the new season might give me some more ideas. THANKS
SO if you want to read this fanfic just check in daily until the 29th. But the first chapter will be out on the 29th or sooner.Oh and if you come here and need information about the book or if you just look at this fanfic could you pm me because I dont know if anybody,s even looking at this page :syd1: And if nobody,s coming to this fanfic I will shut it down :rip: So PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! PM ME ALIASX SO I KNOW THAT YOUR ACTUALLY READING THIS :bond:
HEY guy,s sorry I was late I had to go to a social event at my highschool, My friend,s and I also went to get Tatoos and I had to watch Will&Grace. So here It Goes.
Chapter one
The BANK HEIST
Everybody get down yelled a man in a black mask He pointed his uzi at the woman who was in charge of the bank. Give me all your money he said NO! the woman yelled WTF Did you just say to me Nothing sir she said. You know what i,m in a very very bad mood and you just pissed me off even more $hithead the man said and shot her 5 times in the chest an 2 in the head he grabed her wallet and the code to the Server file he needed and ran off. he busted out the door and hoped into his banshee and drove off. When the man took off the mask it was Tommy Verceti.
Los angeles
Sydney Bristow was running rapidly through a forest while being pursued by 3 doberman,s and an officer of another intelligance agency she was almost at her extraction point but the Dombermans where on hot pursuit the could already taste her blood. When she got to her extraction poin a CIA officer named agent Vaughn pulled her in the helicopter and started flying off to the CIA.
CIA SAFEHOUSE
Sydney and vaughn were sitting on the table talking about the blood sample she had stolen. The blood belonged to Milo Rumbaldi So sydney did you get hurt on the Mission said vaughn No. But I was loneley she replied soon after that they were kissing with tounge action but second,s after a man named kendall came in and saw them Agent Vaughn said Kendall Yes vaughn said taking his tounge out of her mouth Your needed ASAP come to the Main office we need to talk he said. Oh and sydney whe REALLY need to talk About You and Vaughn Said Kendall OK sais sydney. $hit!!! Sydney said when Kendall walked out of the Room Come on Sydney your probably needed for this op to said vaughn He and sydney both walked out of the room and went to the meeting. I have to go where said sydney! You Vaughn, Weiss and Dixon are all going to Liberty City said kendall go home pack up stuff you need and get ready and oh yeah your leaving in 4 hours said kendall
On the Plane
Hey Syd said vaughn come to the Restroom with me okay she said. when they got in Vaugn locked the door wanna fool around he said Sure she said they both started taking each others clothes off while Kissing on a plane in a bathroom Going To Liberty City. Okay that,s the first chapter tell me if you liked it. Oh I know it does not seem like a rated R fic but I will get more Violent, Sexual, Cussing And what a Rated R fic should be like And thanks for Reading the first chapter of Death in Liberty City.
Chapter one
The BANK HEIST
Everybody get down yelled a man in a black mask He pointed his uzi at the woman who was in charge of the bank. Give me all your money he said NO! the woman yelled WTF Did you just say to me Nothing sir she said. You know what i,m in a very very bad mood and you just pissed me off even more $hithead the man said and shot her 5 times in the chest an 2 in the head he grabed her wallet and the code to the Server file he needed and ran off. he busted out the door and hoped into his banshee and drove off. When the man took off the mask it was Tommy Verceti.
Los angeles
Sydney Bristow was running rapidly through a forest while being pursued by 3 doberman,s and an officer of another intelligance agency she was almost at her extraction point but the Dombermans where on hot pursuit the could already taste her blood. When she got to her extraction poin a CIA officer named agent Vaughn pulled her in the helicopter and started flying off to the CIA.
CIA SAFEHOUSE
Sydney and vaughn were sitting on the table talking about the blood sample she had stolen. The blood belonged to Milo Rumbaldi So sydney did you get hurt on the Mission said vaughn No. But I was loneley she replied soon after that they were kissing with tounge action but second,s after a man named kendall came in and saw them Agent Vaughn said Kendall Yes vaughn said taking his tounge out of her mouth Your needed ASAP come to the Main office we need to talk he said. Oh and sydney whe REALLY need to talk About You and Vaughn Said Kendall OK sais sydney. $hit!!! Sydney said when Kendall walked out of the Room Come on Sydney your probably needed for this op to said vaughn He and sydney both walked out of the room and went to the meeting. I have to go where said sydney! You Vaughn, Weiss and Dixon are all going to Liberty City said kendall go home pack up stuff you need and get ready and oh yeah your leaving in 4 hours said kendall
On the Plane
Hey Syd said vaughn come to the Restroom with me okay she said. when they got in Vaugn locked the door wanna fool around he said Sure she said they both started taking each others clothes off while Kissing on a plane in a bathroom Going To Liberty City. Okay that,s the first chapter tell me if you liked it. Oh I know it does not seem like a rated R fic but I will get more Violent, Sexual, Cussing And what a Rated R fic should be like And thanks for Reading the first chapter of Death in Liberty City.
Okay heres chapter 2
Chapter2
Welcome to Liberty City
Vaughn and sydney started humping each other slowly in the beginning and really slow in the end. sydney shouted wildly Is everything ok in there said the lady who sold pepsi,penuts and other item,s. Yeah im sorry I couldent get the toilet seat down she lied Oh ok I thought you were having S.E.X with someone she said wildly fastinated No im not having sex with anyone she said back okay have a good trip said the woman. $hit that was close I know said vaughn Right after vaughn said those words the flight atendants voice came on the Intercom please fasten your seatbelts said the woman Ok said sydney lets go back to our seats she said. They both put back on there clothes and went to there seats. Welcome To Liberty City said the woman,s voice An Hour later please wait until we come to a complete stop and then unfasten your seatbelts said the woman.
Liberty City/ Portland
When Vaughn, Sydney,Weiss and Dixon got off the plane they found a taxi and drove to a hotel called Liberty Vice. Sydney and Vaughn shared a room and Dixon shared a room with Weiss.
Liberty City/ Staunton Island
When Tommy got to his hideout he parked the car 2 blocks away and sprinted back. Tommy looked at the money the woman had she had 237 dollars in her wallet. Hot Damn said Tommy then he looked at the server code and saw that it was 26471839 Okay said Tommy Time to go Get my laptop.
Liberty City /Portland
Hello this is sydney sydney Said on her T Mobile this is kendall said Kendall okay heres your mission Go to a condo near the dock and ask if Tommy Verceti is there but be carefull The condo is home to a yakuza family say you need to talk to him about the server files okay sydney Said kendall yeah she said.
Liberty City/Staunton Island Sydney waled up to the door and knocked. A young woman named asuka opend the door Who are you she said Im sydney Bristow and this is Micheal Vaughn said sydney. Is Tommy Verceti there she asked asuka Yeah Said asuka Tommy Someone wants to talk to you come over here said asuka Yeah Said tommy as he came to the door Hot Damn woman you are SEXY!!! he said to sydney. Vaughn looked at Tommy with an unsure look Hi im sydney Bristow could you come with me and have a chat on that boat over there Said sydney Sure said Tommy Vaughn sydney and tommy all got on the boat. I know you have the server files said sydney and if you dont give them to me now I will kill you What did you just say said tommy Let me reapeat what I said said sydney as she took out her handgun and aimed it at his head What are the codes to the server file okay they are 26471839 said tommy okay said sydney now We are going to have to take you with us to the CIA said sydney.
Los angeles
WE have tommy we have the codes and we have rumbaldis blood but we still need Nick bass'es finger print and the thid server files code said kendall So Sydney you and Tommy are going to go back To liberty city along with your other teamates and get what we need ok said kendall okay said sydney.
Liberty City/Francis International
A young woman handed her passport to the man at the counter welcome To Liberty City Anna espanosa.
Okay That was my second chapter Of Death in Liberty City.
Thanx for reading
Chapter2
Welcome to Liberty City
Vaughn and sydney started humping each other slowly in the beginning and really slow in the end. sydney shouted wildly Is everything ok in there said the lady who sold pepsi,penuts and other item,s. Yeah im sorry I couldent get the toilet seat down she lied Oh ok I thought you were having S.E.X with someone she said wildly fastinated No im not having sex with anyone she said back okay have a good trip said the woman. $hit that was close I know said vaughn Right after vaughn said those words the flight atendants voice came on the Intercom please fasten your seatbelts said the woman Ok said sydney lets go back to our seats she said. They both put back on there clothes and went to there seats. Welcome To Liberty City said the woman,s voice An Hour later please wait until we come to a complete stop and then unfasten your seatbelts said the woman.
Liberty City/ Portland
When Vaughn, Sydney,Weiss and Dixon got off the plane they found a taxi and drove to a hotel called Liberty Vice. Sydney and Vaughn shared a room and Dixon shared a room with Weiss.
Liberty City/ Staunton Island
When Tommy got to his hideout he parked the car 2 blocks away and sprinted back. Tommy looked at the money the woman had she had 237 dollars in her wallet. Hot Damn said Tommy then he looked at the server code and saw that it was 26471839 Okay said Tommy Time to go Get my laptop.
Liberty City /Portland
Hello this is sydney sydney Said on her T Mobile this is kendall said Kendall okay heres your mission Go to a condo near the dock and ask if Tommy Verceti is there but be carefull The condo is home to a yakuza family say you need to talk to him about the server files okay sydney Said kendall yeah she said.
Liberty City/Staunton Island Sydney waled up to the door and knocked. A young woman named asuka opend the door Who are you she said Im sydney Bristow and this is Micheal Vaughn said sydney. Is Tommy Verceti there she asked asuka Yeah Said asuka Tommy Someone wants to talk to you come over here said asuka Yeah Said tommy as he came to the door Hot Damn woman you are SEXY!!! he said to sydney. Vaughn looked at Tommy with an unsure look Hi im sydney Bristow could you come with me and have a chat on that boat over there Said sydney Sure said Tommy Vaughn sydney and tommy all got on the boat. I know you have the server files said sydney and if you dont give them to me now I will kill you What did you just say said tommy Let me reapeat what I said said sydney as she took out her handgun and aimed it at his head What are the codes to the server file okay they are 26471839 said tommy okay said sydney now We are going to have to take you with us to the CIA said sydney.
Los angeles
WE have tommy we have the codes and we have rumbaldis blood but we still need Nick bass'es finger print and the thid server files code said kendall So Sydney you and Tommy are going to go back To liberty city along with your other teamates and get what we need ok said kendall okay said sydney.
Liberty City/Francis International
A young woman handed her passport to the man at the counter welcome To Liberty City Anna espanosa.
Okay That was my second chapter Of Death in Liberty City.
Thanx for reading
M
mystery_chick
Guest
Oh, wow, okay um... okay, well I'm gonna give a review that would seem unusually cruel and evil and mean and... ya, and being the first review and all... but okay here goes.
First of all. your format's way too confusing to read, It's really hard to understand. I took a long time reading the chapters even though they weren't long. This is what I suggest you do. when some one talkes, start a new line/paragraph. Also add quotation marks around people's speech so something like this:
"blah blah blah" Sydney said.
"Blah blah blah" Kendall said.
Make sense?
Second of all can you go into a little more detail? I mean I'm not saying write every aspect of the sceneray but at least give a little more detial. If you want to see what I mean, take a look at Cast No Shadow
Thirdly, just because it's an R rated fic doesn't mean they have to be extremely violent or sexual, there may be acts of sex that you can write if you wish, but please make them tasteful. the part where you had the guy kill the bank clerk out of no where was just....
And lastly I just have to ask is this your first fic? because it seems like it... but it may be just me. You may want to write a fic but please take consideration that there are people reading it and you would want to make it as easy for them as possible.
So that's my two cents. take'em or leave them.
--Mandy
um... okay, well I'm gonna give a review that would seem unusually cruel and evil and mean and... ya, and being the first review and all... but okay here goes. First of all. your format's way too confusing to read, It's really hard to understand. I took a long time reading the chapters even though they weren't long. This is what I suggest you do. when some one talkes, start a new line/paragraph. Also add quotation marks around people's speech so something like this:
"blah blah blah" Sydney said.
"Blah blah blah" Kendall said.
Make sense?
Second of all can you go into a little more detail? I mean I'm not saying write every aspect of the sceneray but at least give a little more detial. If you want to see what I mean, take a look at Cast No Shadow
Thirdly, just because it's an R rated fic doesn't mean they have to be extremely violent or sexual, there may be acts of sex that you can write if you wish, but please make them tasteful. the part where you had the guy kill the bank clerk out of no where was just....
And lastly I just have to ask is this your first fic? because it seems like it... but it may be just me. You may want to write a fic but please take consideration that there are people reading it and you would want to make it as easy for them as possible.
So that's my two cents. take'em or leave them.
--Mandy
One last thing mystery chick my friend max made up the first four chapters but he quit after what you said which could be good news for you because now I can write the story and I am thinking about getting someone to co.write this fanfic with me It could be you, Kylo4 Anybody. So Please at least read what I have to write
M
mystery_chick
Guest
Okay that's another problem then. You can't just take someone elses work and put it up here. at least give them credit even if they're not a member on this forum.ALIASX said:One last thing mystery chick my friend max made up the first four chapters but he quit after what you said which could be good news for you because now I can write the story and I am thinking about getting someone to co.write this fanfic with me It could be you, Kylo4 Anybody. So Please at least read what I have to write
--Mandy
M
mystery_chick
Guest
[Topic titled edited for all caps]
kylo4
Cadet
I like it so far, and I wouldn't mind co-writing it with you. I have to agree with mystery chick though, as far as grammar, and punctuaution go. But other than that, it doesn't have to be R for sex, it can be R for goriness. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know what I thought about it, and PM me if you want me to co-write.
kylo4
kylo4
kylo4
Cadet
One more thing, you can do. You can fix your chapters up right now. Just go to edit, and fix them all up. Another thing, I don't want to seem mean, cuz I like your ideas and everything. Try not to post so much in a row. I'm just telling you that because when I was new here on the site, and I did it, one of the administrators told me not to.
kylo4
kylo4
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