A new star shines tonight

beccalouise

Cadet
Joined
Sep 23, 2004
A/N - This is a one parter, Syd's writing a letter to her unborn child. Thanks to Katie for helping to inspire me to write a 1 parter (she also said that I had to warn everyone that its not a happy story - so consider yourself warned :LOL: )

***

My Dearest Bump,

That is how I have been referring to you for the last 7 months because it sums you up perfectly. You are mine as you always will be and you are the most precious thing in this world.

Sitting here I wonder if it will be easier not to know, for you to remain my bump, to stay unaware of whether you would have been Lucy or Stephen, Libby or Peter. We haven’t even decided on a name for you and for that, along with everything else I am sorry. We thought we had time. We wanted to have the surprise on your birthday of whether you were a boy or a girl, and to choose a name that suited you, instead of one that suited us. But now we have to choose a name for you without ever having met you.

I’ve been asking myself if maybe I shouldn’t see you, maybe that way I won’t drive myself crazy thinking endlessly about what might have been, but I know in my heart that whether I see you or not you will never be far from my thoughts. So of course I will see you. I will look at you and think about what might have been. So much has been snatched away from us that I must make the most of the little that has been left to me, the chance to see you.

I will hold, hug and kiss you, and give you the welcome to this world that you deserve, even if you will be entering the world after you have already left it. I will count your fingers and toes and stroke your soft skin and marvel at how you are perfect in every single way. I will smooth your hair, and wrap you in the blanket we brought you, and take your photograph so that just as you will never fade in my heart, your image will never grow faint in my mind.

I am so sorry my darling that I couldn’t protect you. It was the one job that I had to do, the most important duty of my life so far, to keep you safe and healthy. I have spent endless hours over the last 7 months worrying about how I would look after you when you were born, whether I would be able to protect you from all of the badness in the world whilst teaching you to enjoy and treasure all of the good. Maybe I didn’t pay enough attention to you in the present, focusing too hard on your future and now you have become the past and my heart breaks in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I never could have imagined pain like I’m feeling now, my body and soul are screaming as one inside of me, every nerve feels on edge but at the same time I am numb.


I see what is happening around me, I watch the nurses come and go with their supportive smiles and calming pills, and Michael, your daddy, is next to me, just as he has been all night. I am aware of these things but I am separate from them dear bump, because they cannot possibly know what this pain feels like. I see disappointment in Michael’s eyes and fear that it is disappointment in me and my body and I wonder where we will go from here.

The lyrics to one of my favourite songs now seem agonisingly appropriate “These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase…. I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone, but thought you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along”. Maybe we will play it at your funeral, but you always preferred music to be more upbeat, you’d move and kick whenever daddy played his Jet CD. We joked that you would be a dancer. Maybe you would have been. You see I know you, which is why I can’t understand how you can be gone so suddenly.

But this letter isn’t just about me, it is for you, so you know how much you were loved and wanted.

And so I will say goodbye, Lucy, Stephen, Libby or Peter; My Dearest Bump. I look forward to meeting you, even if you won’t be there when I do.

I am so sorry I couldn’t do a better job of looking after you. I never wanted us to be parted.

All my love my angel, a new star shines tonight,

Mummy xxx



***

Not the most cheerful story i know!

bec
 

hawkeye

Cadet
Joined
May 16, 2005
Location
England
w00t! You posted it! And to sum up my feelings about this wonderful piece again. :cry: (y) :cry:
And you mentioned me again. ^_^ Thanks sweetie. :hug:
 
Joined
Jan 4, 2005
Location
England
OMG!!
That really was so sad! :cry:
It wasd beautiful though.
There was so much emotion in it and I really felt so sorry for poor Sydney and Michael.
I hope they will be ok.
Oh and by the way I love the song by evanescence.
 
Joined
Mar 18, 2005
Location
United States
That made me cry like you wouldn't believe...that happened to me. Except it was 5 months not 7...beautifully written. I also wrote a letter to my bump..it was theraputic..we buried it with her. So sad..but true. Thanks!

Crystal
 
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