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then you can do what you want
Summary: Syd’s thoughts after Vaughn’s call saying that he’s back together with Lauren and that they’re not going to get that cup of coffee
Wishes Never Come True (Syd's POV)
Every time I see them together, it breaks me into two. It’s like a dagger that’s been in me ever since I came back and every time they’re in front of me, it’s pushed deeper inside of me and twisted until all there is left is a bit empty whole that only Vaughn can fill. And as I look around, I can see everyone’s sympathetic looks as I have to stand there fighting back tears.
A thing that I’ve learnt in the past months since I came back ‘from the dead’ it that when something goes wrong, don’t think about it. No, I’m not talking about if a bad guy comes straight at me with a gun in the middle of a mission to not think about it. I’m talking about friendship and my relationships with other people… Ok, my relationship with Vaughn ever since I came back. My theory is that I should not think about it for a few hours to process it fully before I start to think about and if the need be, cry.
And it usually works. I made the mistake of crying immediately after I first met Lauren in Dixon’s office. But as I started to work with both of them I realised that if I had no control, I would be spending every second of my life crying. Crying of what didn’t happen. Crying for myself. Crying for Will to have to go through this. Crying over my hatred of Allison. Crying over Vaughn losing faith. Crying over Vaughn marrying Lauren. Crying over seeing them together. Crying over stabbing Vaughn in order to SAVE his life. Crying over that kiss in the hospital. Crying over me sleeping with Will only out of vulnerability and not love. Crying over telling Vaughn that and seeing a tiny hint of jealousy in his eyes that only I could pick out. Crying that Lauren wouldn’t be able to pick it up because she doesn’t know him like I do. Crying over myself for thinking like that and being a b****. Crying over the way he pushed me away before we went to North Korea. Crying for kissing him in North Korea even though it was perfect but so wrong at the same time. Crying over watching him run back into Lauren’s home when we walked back into the Ops Centre. Crying over admitting to Dr Barnett that he was my soulmate because it was true. Crying over Weiss’s friendship with me through this. Crying over the way Weiss was in the middle of all this. Crying over thinking of what Weiss must think of me and Vaughn and Lauren. Crying because he and my father were the only people who didn’t like Lauren the way I did. Crying over Vaughn separating Lauren because if gave me hope. Crying over the thought of getting coffee with the love of my life. Crying over Vaughn going back to Lauren. My life would make a perfect biography, huh?
But no, I did not cry. I controlled it because I knew I had to be strong. The thing I hated about it most was that the worst part of my life has been the past months. And the past months have been the time in which I needed to cry the most that I’ve ever cried in my life; the time where I most needed support. And even though I knew that Weiss and my father and even Dr Barnett and Dixon were there for me, no one can comfort me the way Vaughn does. It’s not by a hug, it’s not by a touch, it’s not by a look, it’s something much more deep than that; it’s an understanding. I hate it when people try to sympathise and say the usual, “Oh, everything will be okay,” or “things will work out, you’ll see,” or “don’t cry, shhh”. Because it doesn’t mean anything because it isn’t true. It’s just human instinct I guess to say those words when someone is hurt or upset. But Vaughn was different. He never had to say those things. He always held me while I cried which of course helped, but all I needed was his presence to feel better. And now he’s not here for me.
When he had told me that he was separating Lauren, it gave me so much hope. And the way he just blurted it out like it was everyday conversation. Sure, the noise in the plane forced him to yell, but I was so shocked that I had to let it sink before I could speak to him. And when I did, I told him that I was hopeful which was what made me scared, it was true. Because even though he was married, somehow the brick wall between us was slowly falling down. At the sight of the first brick, I knew that I could say anything I wanted because I seriously hoped that there was hope for us to get back together. I was so happy. I had never stopped loving Vaughn and deep down, it was obvious that he loved me back. You can’t stop loving someone just like that. Sure, he might have gotten over it a tiny bit in the two years apart… ok, he got over it enough to marry someone else. But I came back and then he was stuck. Sometimes I wonder if he only married Lauren to just get over me. He must love her though, otherwise he wouldn’t defend her so much. So it was fair to say that I was the happiest I had ever been when he told me that Lauren and him were separating. But that phone call. “I guess we’re not going to get that cup of coffee.” “No we’re not.” It broke me into pieces. And I didn’t think about it; I cried. And I did that because at that moment I had grown closer to Vaughn than I ever had in the past few months except maybe when I remembered his father’s anniversary. When I picked up the phone, I heard his voice and a tiny bit of me relaxed at the sound of his sweet, soothing voice that I could recognise no matter where I was, where he was, how far apart we were, how old we were. When I asked him how Lauren was he answered and then something inside of me snapped. I don’t know what, but something in his voice was too casual, too care-free and I suspected that something had happened. In those few seconds, I tried to think what and one stood out more than the rest…
The question I asked him, “Are you at Eric’s?” I knew the answer to it already. It was so obvious that he wasn’t. Everything made me sense if he said no, he wasn’t. But then the stubborn part of me kicked in. I have on idea who it comes from. You could say my dad and my mother. Both are stubborn in their own ways and I must have gotten some of both their stubbornness. I can’t tell you how irrelevant that was at that point. But I was hoping with all my heart and soul that for the first time in my life I couldn’t see through him. I couldn’t tell what he was really thinking. I couldn’t read him. I wished so hard that he would say yes.
My wish didn’t come true.
But then again, has anything in my life ever gone according to plan? I should have known then that there was no point in wishing for materialistic thing that will never in my life come true. But when he told me that he was separating from Lauren, I felt different. I felt normal for once. I could forget that I was Sydney Bristow and nothing in my life is perfect because words cannot describe how much I would love to be with Vaughn again. And because I had forgotten, I started to cry. I threw my theory out the window and I cried. But before I did, I had to confirm it. I had to ask him. It make me wonder. I never had to confirm anything in our relationship before. Has our relationship changed THAT much? Okay, obviously since he’s married, it’s changed. But I never had to think that I’d have to make sure or double guess something he told me because it’s never happened before. “I guess we’re not going to get that cup of coffee.” I tried to make it sound like small talk and I even managed the ghost of a smile when I said it, but I knew that this was not a way to end the conversation on a good note, it had much, much more meaning than that. And he said no and then the tiny strings holding me together broke and I started to cry. But I knew that the man I loved was on the other end of the phone line and I can’t even remember what I said to get off the phone but the only thought in my head was to hang up. And I did and kept crying. I felt so small then and as I looked around the apartment, I realised how big everything seemed to be. I barely took up a whole seat of the couch. My living room was too big for just one person. My apartment was so… empty. I had never realised it till then.
All I wanted then was a shoulder to cry on. Anyone’s shoulder. Ok, that’s not the truth, I didn’t want anyone’s shoulder, I wanted Vaughn’s. Because Vaughn is the only person in the world who makes me whole. I sound like a soppy romantic or like I’m reciting lines from a bad soap opera. But that’s the thing. It’s truly how I feel. So I took comfort in my tears and cried myself out until I had no more tears left inside me.
The worst part of everything that no matter how much I don’t want to, I know that I have to go to work tomorrow. I might end up in Berlin tomorrow or I could end up in Beijing. I have to get out of bed tomorrow and face the rest of the world.
I have to face the sight of Vaughn, the man I love, the man who makes me feel alive, the man who is the most caring person in the world, the man who I would do anything to kiss again, the man whose arms are the safest place in the world. I have to face the sight of him going forward with his life.
With Lauren.
I am SO looking forward to tomorrow, to the next day, to tomorrow night where I’ll again be in the prison of my thoughts of Vaughn and Lauren and the rest of my life.
Without Vaughn.
A/N: That wasn’t as long as I hoped.
Anyway, please leave feedback for me!
then you can do what you want
Summary: Syd’s thoughts after Vaughn’s call saying that he’s back together with Lauren and that they’re not going to get that cup of coffee
Wishes Never Come True (Syd's POV)
Every time I see them together, it breaks me into two. It’s like a dagger that’s been in me ever since I came back and every time they’re in front of me, it’s pushed deeper inside of me and twisted until all there is left is a bit empty whole that only Vaughn can fill. And as I look around, I can see everyone’s sympathetic looks as I have to stand there fighting back tears.
A thing that I’ve learnt in the past months since I came back ‘from the dead’ it that when something goes wrong, don’t think about it. No, I’m not talking about if a bad guy comes straight at me with a gun in the middle of a mission to not think about it. I’m talking about friendship and my relationships with other people… Ok, my relationship with Vaughn ever since I came back. My theory is that I should not think about it for a few hours to process it fully before I start to think about and if the need be, cry.
And it usually works. I made the mistake of crying immediately after I first met Lauren in Dixon’s office. But as I started to work with both of them I realised that if I had no control, I would be spending every second of my life crying. Crying of what didn’t happen. Crying for myself. Crying for Will to have to go through this. Crying over my hatred of Allison. Crying over Vaughn losing faith. Crying over Vaughn marrying Lauren. Crying over seeing them together. Crying over stabbing Vaughn in order to SAVE his life. Crying over that kiss in the hospital. Crying over me sleeping with Will only out of vulnerability and not love. Crying over telling Vaughn that and seeing a tiny hint of jealousy in his eyes that only I could pick out. Crying that Lauren wouldn’t be able to pick it up because she doesn’t know him like I do. Crying over myself for thinking like that and being a b****. Crying over the way he pushed me away before we went to North Korea. Crying for kissing him in North Korea even though it was perfect but so wrong at the same time. Crying over watching him run back into Lauren’s home when we walked back into the Ops Centre. Crying over admitting to Dr Barnett that he was my soulmate because it was true. Crying over Weiss’s friendship with me through this. Crying over the way Weiss was in the middle of all this. Crying over thinking of what Weiss must think of me and Vaughn and Lauren. Crying because he and my father were the only people who didn’t like Lauren the way I did. Crying over Vaughn separating Lauren because if gave me hope. Crying over the thought of getting coffee with the love of my life. Crying over Vaughn going back to Lauren. My life would make a perfect biography, huh?
But no, I did not cry. I controlled it because I knew I had to be strong. The thing I hated about it most was that the worst part of my life has been the past months. And the past months have been the time in which I needed to cry the most that I’ve ever cried in my life; the time where I most needed support. And even though I knew that Weiss and my father and even Dr Barnett and Dixon were there for me, no one can comfort me the way Vaughn does. It’s not by a hug, it’s not by a touch, it’s not by a look, it’s something much more deep than that; it’s an understanding. I hate it when people try to sympathise and say the usual, “Oh, everything will be okay,” or “things will work out, you’ll see,” or “don’t cry, shhh”. Because it doesn’t mean anything because it isn’t true. It’s just human instinct I guess to say those words when someone is hurt or upset. But Vaughn was different. He never had to say those things. He always held me while I cried which of course helped, but all I needed was his presence to feel better. And now he’s not here for me.
When he had told me that he was separating Lauren, it gave me so much hope. And the way he just blurted it out like it was everyday conversation. Sure, the noise in the plane forced him to yell, but I was so shocked that I had to let it sink before I could speak to him. And when I did, I told him that I was hopeful which was what made me scared, it was true. Because even though he was married, somehow the brick wall between us was slowly falling down. At the sight of the first brick, I knew that I could say anything I wanted because I seriously hoped that there was hope for us to get back together. I was so happy. I had never stopped loving Vaughn and deep down, it was obvious that he loved me back. You can’t stop loving someone just like that. Sure, he might have gotten over it a tiny bit in the two years apart… ok, he got over it enough to marry someone else. But I came back and then he was stuck. Sometimes I wonder if he only married Lauren to just get over me. He must love her though, otherwise he wouldn’t defend her so much. So it was fair to say that I was the happiest I had ever been when he told me that Lauren and him were separating. But that phone call. “I guess we’re not going to get that cup of coffee.” “No we’re not.” It broke me into pieces. And I didn’t think about it; I cried. And I did that because at that moment I had grown closer to Vaughn than I ever had in the past few months except maybe when I remembered his father’s anniversary. When I picked up the phone, I heard his voice and a tiny bit of me relaxed at the sound of his sweet, soothing voice that I could recognise no matter where I was, where he was, how far apart we were, how old we were. When I asked him how Lauren was he answered and then something inside of me snapped. I don’t know what, but something in his voice was too casual, too care-free and I suspected that something had happened. In those few seconds, I tried to think what and one stood out more than the rest…
The question I asked him, “Are you at Eric’s?” I knew the answer to it already. It was so obvious that he wasn’t. Everything made me sense if he said no, he wasn’t. But then the stubborn part of me kicked in. I have on idea who it comes from. You could say my dad and my mother. Both are stubborn in their own ways and I must have gotten some of both their stubbornness. I can’t tell you how irrelevant that was at that point. But I was hoping with all my heart and soul that for the first time in my life I couldn’t see through him. I couldn’t tell what he was really thinking. I couldn’t read him. I wished so hard that he would say yes.
My wish didn’t come true.
But then again, has anything in my life ever gone according to plan? I should have known then that there was no point in wishing for materialistic thing that will never in my life come true. But when he told me that he was separating from Lauren, I felt different. I felt normal for once. I could forget that I was Sydney Bristow and nothing in my life is perfect because words cannot describe how much I would love to be with Vaughn again. And because I had forgotten, I started to cry. I threw my theory out the window and I cried. But before I did, I had to confirm it. I had to ask him. It make me wonder. I never had to confirm anything in our relationship before. Has our relationship changed THAT much? Okay, obviously since he’s married, it’s changed. But I never had to think that I’d have to make sure or double guess something he told me because it’s never happened before. “I guess we’re not going to get that cup of coffee.” I tried to make it sound like small talk and I even managed the ghost of a smile when I said it, but I knew that this was not a way to end the conversation on a good note, it had much, much more meaning than that. And he said no and then the tiny strings holding me together broke and I started to cry. But I knew that the man I loved was on the other end of the phone line and I can’t even remember what I said to get off the phone but the only thought in my head was to hang up. And I did and kept crying. I felt so small then and as I looked around the apartment, I realised how big everything seemed to be. I barely took up a whole seat of the couch. My living room was too big for just one person. My apartment was so… empty. I had never realised it till then.
All I wanted then was a shoulder to cry on. Anyone’s shoulder. Ok, that’s not the truth, I didn’t want anyone’s shoulder, I wanted Vaughn’s. Because Vaughn is the only person in the world who makes me whole. I sound like a soppy romantic or like I’m reciting lines from a bad soap opera. But that’s the thing. It’s truly how I feel. So I took comfort in my tears and cried myself out until I had no more tears left inside me.
The worst part of everything that no matter how much I don’t want to, I know that I have to go to work tomorrow. I might end up in Berlin tomorrow or I could end up in Beijing. I have to get out of bed tomorrow and face the rest of the world.
I have to face the sight of Vaughn, the man I love, the man who makes me feel alive, the man who is the most caring person in the world, the man who I would do anything to kiss again, the man whose arms are the safest place in the world. I have to face the sight of him going forward with his life.
With Lauren.
I am SO looking forward to tomorrow, to the next day, to tomorrow night where I’ll again be in the prison of my thoughts of Vaughn and Lauren and the rest of my life.
Without Vaughn.
A/N: That wasn’t as long as I hoped.
Anyway, please leave feedback for me!
Vaughn? aww just once? 
he shouldn't have talked 
pwease?