Tenderbear
Scout
Psh. I'm just kidding about the drugs part.<span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>THE TENDER REVIEW</span>
Hooray! Hooray! Today is a wonderful day! Today is the day that I'm able to say that Alias is finally going my way! I'm amused! Not abused... or bemused by the plots they have used. I'm not in shame, I'm not to blame. But the flame by the name of acclaim has just came, I acclaim. So now I will write, and no longer smite, that which of last night I might say was more than just all right.
And if any of you could even make half-sense out of that random stream of conciousness, the TENDER REVIEW is BACK! Or at least for now... for somehow I might disavow what right now is just... wow. As you can see I've taken some extra doses of Dr. Seuss serum (comes in seven flavors including Cherry, Berry, Dairy, Canary, Sherry, Hairy, and Bloody Mary) and quadrupled my sugar intake to write my first TENDER REVIEW in several months.
It's been too long, I know. But as I said before, Alias just wasn't doing it for me anymore... Seasons One and Two were flawless, like peanutbutter and jelly, salt and pepper, goulash and braunschweiger... but come Season Three, someone threw some mayo on that PB&J sandwich, and only 2.3% of Americans are fond of this combo, 83% of which were born without tastebuds. Anyhoo... Season Four started out flawed, but definitely not PB&J&Mayo flawed... more like PB&J&Mustard flawed (really, it's kind of tasty... you really should try it!). As much as I love PB&J&Mustard, the Mayo had stained my tastebuds, and no Oral-B action toothbrush could get it off. I mean, it was dry and crusty and everything. I tried Listerine, Polident, a tongue brush, a rake, but the Season 3 aftertaste just didn't fade... and so I stopped writing my reviews... and so I stopped breathing...
But now I'm taking a giant breath of Oxygen and a great sigh of Carbon Dioxide, because I have felt so compelled lately by the episodes that I need to express it someway... I tried some other methods, but I only ended up with an arrest warrant in Guadelupe and a restraining order from an 86 year old Asian shoe salesman (he was really peeved... he got all General Tsao on me for a minute). I talked to some therapists who immediately after meeting with me bashed themselves on the head with a large, blunt object and quite their jobs to live on a remote island where your closest neighbors are Red Colobus Monkeys. Needless to say, I remain uncured of what the doctors have described as "Stop Drinking So Much Caffiene!"-itis. And so I remain hyper, and so I remain unexpressed, and so I remain hyperactive, and so I'm ready to write a TENDER REVIEW!
WARNING! ALERT! CAUTION! LOOKY HERE! I have decided to attempt to write the Tender Reviews a bit differently. I usually sit down with an outline and really focus on what I'm going to say, but I just don't have the time or patience for that anymore. Because this will be unplanned, unstoppable, and unbelievable, anything is possible to appear in the paragraphs, stanzas, and opossums below. (Whips out anti-Opossum spray.) "Y'all Opossums ain't goin' nowheres near meh Tender Review, I say."
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Tidbit: I watch Alias with my two sisters.
Tidbit: We watch on a 46" Panasonic Widescreen.
Tidbit: I once stuck a penny up my nose and couldn't get it out for two weeks.
VIENNA! We push through "Vienna" to find red-headed Sydney serving vodkas to some drunken maniacs who are throwing chairs at one another over an arguement on which Spice Girl was the hottest. "Baby Spice!" shouts one. "No, no! It was Ginger Spice!" shouts another. "You're all wrong!" begins another. "James Spader Spice was the hottest!" *sigh* Don't you love evenings as Friendly's? As they continue to brawl, Sydney brings a drink up to Dixon. He stands up and slaps her straight across the face. "I ordered Smirnoff blue on the rocks with an olive! Not a Shlaudinger red on the sands with a carrot! You incompetent, filthy..." Sydney clears her throat in a way that says "shut up now or I'll nail your esophagus to a pole and throw stones at your ribcage." He gets the message. Dixon sits down for a meeting with some Hobbits who are selling him a rare potion that can make the hair in your ears grow three times the length of the hair on your arms. That means seven feet of hair for Dixon, and he is excited as can be.
In walks the incredibly creepy Assassin looking abundantly creepy with his creepy eyes and creepy combover... eh! What a creep! So anyway, Friendly's undercooked his Mondo Burger Madness and there is hell to pay. He rigs the place with bombs. BOOM! Crayons, french fries, ice cream scoopers, and cockroaches fly every which way. There is chaos, screaming, crying, random breakouts of muscial numbers from "Rent." What's worse, the Hobbits have fled... and they've taken their elixir with them... Dixon is furious... there is hell to pay. Sydney finishes up the second stanza of "525,600 Minutes" when she goes after CreepAssassin. She goes down, he goes out, she gets mad... there is hell to pay. Really now, Satan is waiting for his $25.95 in royalties. Dixon and Vaughn go after the hobbits who hide themselves by opening umbrellas and pretending they're mushrooms. Unfortunately for them, Vaughn is hungry and what better to appease his appetite than some s***ake! He munches down on half the umbrella before he realizes that it's plastic. He then munches down the other half. Dixon retrieves the vial as Vaughn begins knawing on a metal pipe to their left.
(DELETED SCENE: Dixon spills some of the vial on his hair and is then mistaken several times for Cousin It on his way to the barber.)
In to Sydney's log cabin where Aunt SophiNOTa chats on the phone with Creep Assassin. "This better be good," she says. "I'm missing 'The Young and the Restless' because of you. Not to mention I'll have to pay roaming charges." Creep Assassin tells her that APO got the serum. "No!" she shouts. "I know it's terrible isn't it?" he replies. She continues. "I knew Christine and Miguel were having an affair! Oh no... Amber is going to be so mad... Oh my God! Amber just shot Christine--" "Stop watching your stupid soap opera!" he yells. "I'm not watching my soap opera." she retorts, "It's 'The Price is Right." He hangs up, to disgusted for words, and SophiNOTa sits back down just in time to finish watching the blood bath on America's favorite game show.
APO. Sydney and Vaughn ponder where Jack may be. "I haven't seen him all morning," worries Sydney. "And he is usually done his flea bath by now." And so, to Jack's house they go. Over the river, through the woods, across the lake, under the ground, between the fields, and around the mulberry bush they go before Vaughn realizes he should have made a left back at the Tatoo Parlor called "Piercing Brosnan." They go back around the mulberry bush, between the fields, under the ground, across the lake, through the woods, and over the river. "He we are!" he proclaims. They go inside his apartment and find very little out of the ordinary. Even Jack's pet llama is in its cage. They venture into the bathroom to find used needles. "Sydney..." Vaughn begins, "when I told you to be a heroine, I didn't mean an addict..." Sydney rolls her eyes at Vaughn's stupidity. It really is a shame Vaughn never graduated Preschool.
Jack visits Dr. Lamejokes who cracks a few of his best on Jack. "So these two nuns walk into a bar. One says to the other 'I really shouldn't drink because I've been trying to kick these bad habits." He laughs uproariously. "That's not even funny!" yells Jack. "How about you learn the basic structure of a joke and maybe then I'll let you tell another." The doctor ignores him. "So this blonde girl walk right into a bar. Five minutes later she said 'ouch'! HA HA HA!" Jack sighs. "I might rather die of radiation exposure than listen to another one of your jokes." Silence. "So there's this llama..." "GIVE ME THE MEDICINE NOW, DAMMIT!"
APO. Sloane is bored with APO. "I think we should be something else like... FBPA, The Fuzzy Bunny Protectors of America... or RGC, the Rainbows and Giggles Club." "Who forgot to give Sloane his testosterone shots today?" inquires Dixon. "It was my turn," admits Nadia. "But I needed someone to go shopping with this evening." The Spy Gang discusses the fact that Jack is still a no show. "A no show?" Sloane gets excited. "Like the new Revlon lipstick? I hear you'll never have to worry about smears or kissy marks ever again!" Marshall runs a search and finds Jack's car parked outside a Build-a-Bear factory. "I knew it," begins Sydney, "Dad was always saying he needed a new bedtime buddy." "It could be me!" interrupts Sloane right before Nadia jabs the testosterone needle into his neck. He begins to spasm "football... cheerleaders... boobies... beer! Ahem... sorry. I'm back to normal now."
Sydney and Vaughn rush to the the Build-a-Bear factory to actually find an abandon warehouse. On the door is a sign that reads "Levi's jeans stole all our cotton. We are closed until further notice." They shrug and enter anyway. Inside, Vaughn catches up with a few of his fellow preschool dropouts. "Who really needs to know their ABCs?" questions Vaughn. "I mean, I've been getting through life just fine without knowing how to spell my name." They press on to find Jack sitting on a bench, injecting himself with a blue liquid. "So... sad," he pants. "Need... fuzzy... bedtime... friend..." They rush him to the hospital after stopping at a Toys R Us nearby. It takes seven agents and a crowbar to finally get Vaughn to leave.
Rainbows and Giggles Club. A small group of seven year old girls talk with their lawyers about filing a copyright infringement lawsuit against the APO.
APO. The Spy Gang discusses the Jack situation. "Jack has been a bad boy," starts Sloane. "He will need a good talking to and perhaps a raw spanking." Sydney interrupts and suggests they first discuss what was going on with Jack. Sloane unveils that Jack was suffering hallucenations after radiation exposure and was probably invisioning seeing Dr. Lamejoke all along. His other hallucenations include his belief he was part Bottlenose Dolphin and was married to Calista Flockhart. Slonae adds an anecdote. "I once hallucenated that I was Tina Turner and began singing 'What's Love Got to Do With It' in the middle of Times Square. I even accepted a record deal with Virgin Records and scheduled a complete summer concert tour. But weren't we all that crazy when we were kids?" The Spy Gang stares blankly in his direction. Sloane decides that they must find out the location of the real Dr. Lamejoke before his bedtime at 7:00 that night. Weiss chimes in. "Excuse me, Mr. Night Owl, but some of us have realistic bed times. I gotta be under the covers at least by 6:30."
"Sophia! Bring the Crisco!" Penelope Cruz yells. Weiss got stuck in the doorway to Sydney's house on their way to have dinner with Aunt SohpiNOTa. "Crisco doesn't work," SophiNOTa replies. "We'll need the WD-40." They wiggle Weiss out of his predicament just in time for dinner. "Delicious!" Weiss proclaims. "This is the best roast armadillo I've ever eaten." SophiNOTa explains that Nadia knows the recipe. Weiss turns and slaps her. "You wench! You never told me you knew how to make armadillo! When we get back home, after you're done your daily toilet scrubbings you will catch me an armadillo and cook it for me. Do you understand?" "What if I don't?" she retorts. "I'll drizzle honey over you and throw you in a pit of hungry fire ants." Nadia submits. In the back, Creepy Assassin Man Thing taps into Nadia's APO laptop to find the location of the Hobbit elixir. He then routes it to a low-security vault under Nadia's clearance.
Sydney visits Jack in the hospital. "Calista?" he calls to her. She shakes her head. "No, Dad." He then turns to a thin metal pole running from the ceiling to the floor. "Calista?" "No, Dad. She isn't that wide." Sydney sits down next to him with a box of his favorite goodies - Chocolate Frosted Weasel Bites (Guaranteed one tuft of weasel fur in every bite). He turns to her again "Laura? Oh no. Was I supposed to pick Sydney up from her Satanistic Ritual class? If we're late there will be hell to pay..." (really, someone pay Satan!). Sydney epiphanizes and realizes that Jack surmises that he reprises his life in 1980! She devises to sensationalize in disguise this reprise! (*hits self on head* Overdose... of... Doctor... Seuss...)
Sloane sets up the scene to look like the Bristow House circa 1981. He directs the crew. "People! People! I want to see light, I want to see color! I want to see Christmas through your eyes..." Nadia comes up behind with the testosterone shot. He continues to sing, "I did it all for the noogie! The noogie! The noogie!" "Shoot," proclaims Nadia. "I accidentally gave him the angsty teenager shot!" Sydney walks on to find a familiar view. It's her house when she was just a wee little sprout. She is dressed like her mom and is ready to roll. Jack wakes up to see her. "Hi darling," Sydney begins. "Hello, cabbage," he replies. The 80's came with very strange pet names. Sydney asks him where the doctor is being hidden to which he replies "Finland." (Back at APO: "Pay Up!" shouts a gleeful Dixon. Nadia is disappointed "Aw man. I was sure it was going to be Bora Bora.") Jack then confesses his desire to be a better father to Sydney. "I just want to..." he begins. "I just want to be able to attend her birthday parties. Even if they are really lame." "They are not!" Sydney snaps back. "Laura, Dear," Jack replies, "if Sydney ever wants to be popular amongst the guys, she'll have to drop her addiction to Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey." Sydney is ready to call it quits.
With the new information, Sydney rushes her little way over to Helsinki, Finland, USA, North America, Earth, Solar System, Galaxy, Universe, Squeegeeland to find Dr. Lamejoke. On the plane home: "And here's a really good one: This ear of corn says to this potato, 'I hear that can see with your eyes.'" "Kill me now." begs Sydney. Dr. Lamejoke makes it to the hospital and begins medicating Jack... with duct tape over his mouth.
APO. Marshall runs up to Weiss and Penelope Cruz who were just finishing a smashing round of Would you Rather. (Nadia: "Would you rather eat...?" Weiss: "Yes!" Nadia: "Would you rather eat...?" Weiss: "Yes!" Nadia: "Weiss, let me finish." Weiss: "I'll eat it! I don't care what it is!") Marshall asks them why they transferred the Hobbit juice to a low-security vault. Nadia and Weiss become shaken. In that low-security location, SophiNOTa and Creepy Assassin Man break and enter. What pathetic security. Those men clearly jumped in front of the bullets and wanted to end their miserable lives. I mean, say you're at your high school reunion and people ask you what you do for a living, and all you can say is "I work for security at a low-security location." Psh. Gimme a break. I'd rather say I scrape roadkill off the streets with my tongue. But, I digress. Creepy Assassin Man breaks into the vault and hands the vial over to SophiNOTa.
"Help! Does anyone have WD-40?" Nadia finishes wiggling Weiss out from the doorway, and they enter the low-security facility. They find all the guards with bullets in their major blood valves. "Low security..." Weiss recalls, "I worked here once, but I quit from the pure shame I felt. I mean, I'd rather scrub maggots off of drug addicts with my bare hands than work here again." They continue to the vault and find it open, the vial missing, and Creepy Assassin Man dead on the floor. Weiss checks him out. "He slit his throat," he assesses. "He must have worked here."
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NEXT WEEK ON ALIAS: Will evil Aunty Direvko get away with the Hobbit ointment? Will Jack be cured of his radiation illness? Will Bob Barker get a raise? You might (but probably won't) find out NEXT WEEK ON ALIAS!
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Breath in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Phew! Now I remember why I got tired of writing these reviews! That took about 2 1/2 hours away from my life that I could've spent... well... eating eggs? Okay, you're right. That was fun
But now, I give to you the review. (Let's hope I remember all the categories).Best Part of the Episode: We find out that Jack has been hallucenating all this time and hasn't really seen the doctor for treatment. Seeing him on the bench with a needle in his arm was absolutely jaw dropping and mind boggling.
Best Part of the Episode HONORABLE MENTION: Jack admits to Sydney that he wishes he were there more when she was a little girl. That whole scene was so heart-wrenching and beautiful. I haven't seen such a touching Syd/Jack moment since Season 2. And the acting on behalf of both parts was just... flawless. Please give Jennifer Garner an Emmy already!
Worst Part of the Episode: There was something about the scene where Sloane devises the plan to recreate 1981 that rubbed me the wrong way. You wouldn't think that Sloane thought up that whole scheme as he was sitting there with Sydney. It just didn't seem very Sloane-like to me at all.
Best Aspect of the Episode: Yeah! A story arc begins! What will happen to the vial of evil liquid that destroys ecosystems? What is SophiNOTa's endgame? I just can't wait to find out.
Worst Aspect of the Episode: It might have stretched just a little to far from the Alias world for my liking. It began to remind me about "Welcome to Libery Village," which in my opinion, was absolutely nothing like Alias. When I thought they strayed too far, they were able to gracefully pick themselves back up, so credit should be given in that regard.
The AWESOME: Sydney and Jack were at the top of their games in this episode. Emmys are so deserving for both of these magnificent actors.
The GREAT: The hallucenation plot was just mind-boggling. That is some good writing right there. Also, going back to 1981 may have strayed from the boundaries of Alias a bit, but it was just so touching and heart-string-pulling.
The Good: Wadia. I am officially a shipper. Also, Creepy Assassin is just... creepy, but very good at what he does. SophiNOTa was compelling enough to be good, but can't compete with uber sisters Irinia and Katya. Sloane, Vaughn, Dixon, Marshall, and whoever else also deserve a mention.
The Bad: I can honestly say NOTHING.
Overall Rating: 8/10 (excellently scripted, crafted, presented, and acted) - This episode truly kicked some rear-end. It was tear-jerking, it was action-packed, it was surprising, it was everything! Here's hoping that Season Four continues on its pace of excellence straight through the finale. This episode really stood out as one of the most unique episodes of the show, but was also, for the most part, excellently presented and believable to the Alias fan. I think Alias has picked itself back onto its feet after a lackluster Season 3 and beginning of Season 4. Season 5 should be a blast.
The Season So Far: No this isn't a "new feature" or whatever in the Tender Review column, but since I've been gone so long, I want everyone to know how I've felt about season four, episode by episode. All are graded on a scale from 1 to 10.
1. Authorized Personell Only, Part I - 7/10
2. Authorized Personell Only, Part II - 7.5/10
3. The Awful Truth - 5.5/10
4. Ice - 5/10
5. Welcome to Liberty Village - 7/10
6. Nocturne - 7/10
7. Detente - 7.5/10
8. Echoes - 8/10
9. A Man of His Word - 6/10
10. The Index - 8.5/10
11. The Road Home - 3/10
12. The Orphan - 6.5/10
13. Tuesday - 8/10
14. Nightingale - 7/10
15. Pandora - 8.5/10
16. Another Mister Sloane - 8/10
17. A Clean Conscience - 6/10
18. Mirage - 8/10
As you can see, I am actually really enjoying this season. Alias has been on a pretty good streak with 6 at 8/10 or higher and 11 at 7/10 or higher. I could never have said the same thing about Season 3, which was riddled with 5/10's and 6/10's. Now... "The Road Home" was this season's oops, mirroring my opinion of some of Early's Season 3 work.
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Fan of the Week: This is a rip-off to all of you AllAlias/SD-1 users, but this week's Fan of the Week goes to my sister's friend, Chelsea. Chelsea has constantly been bugging me to write more reviews and I belive admitted to wetting herself while reading one (What? She didn't? Oh that was me last night while I was sleeping? Oops.). Hooray for Chelsea!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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*Yawn* I'm gaining on 3 hours spent writing this week's review. I think that the way I'm going to do it is if I have time and feel up to it, I'll write a Tender Review. But really, they are energy-draining and very hard to write. Some days are better than others, but hey. I'll try to write them, but just so you all know, it will not be a definite weekly thing.
Anyhoo. Thank you all SOOOO MUCH for reading! Please please please please please post your thoughts on the episode or your opinion on my recap and review. Bye y'all!
