Hi everybody! This story has been posted at SD-1 and Allies before they lost their data. So it might be familiar to you. Its rather long – I Want To See You Again is itself 23 chapters. But people have liked it in the past. I hope that you enjoy reading this. I’ll post as much as I can! Thank you!
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Alias. I don’t own any part of it. No money is being made off of this! Its not mine!
***********************************
CHAPTER ONE
I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't have amnesia; I'm not sick. I've just lost the woman I was. The woman I was died when he did.
I'm not Sydney Bristow; I am currently Annie McFarland. I'm not a brown-eyed brunette, spunky and tough. Not anymore. I can still act perky, but that's all it is; an act. Nowadays, I'm a blonde with bright green eyes.
Everyday I make sure my eyes aren't like his were. They can't be the deep, beautiful, sparkling jade. They can't be wonderful and full of life. My surrogate eyes are lifeless.
I crumble inside just a little more each time I see his face in my mind. Each time I see his smile or remember his touch, I take one step closer to death.
I'm dying all the time.
I can never reach out to him, save him, hold him. I can never rescue him with my strong hand. I can never tell him.
Because every time I try, every time that I get just a little bit closer to him, he dissolves. A figment of my lost mind, he's never really there. He can't really hear me when I tell him that I love him. I wish he could. More than anything, I wish he could hear me. I wish I could hear him say it to me. I'm no fool. I know he loved me. I know he still does.
Wherever he is, I need him to still love me. That naïve belief is all that keeps me going. The ever-dwindling hope that he is alive somewhere and still loves me is all that keeps me alive. That belief is all that keeps me succumbing to the urge to drown in my misery.
I need to feel his love. I need to hear his precious words. I need to feel his touch, his hope, his joy. I need him to know that I'll never forget him. I need him to know that.
But more than anything, I need him.
***********************
He told me it was a simple reconnaissance mission. "I won't be gone for more than a day. A simple grab and run. You know the deal."
That 'one day' soon turned into two days, three days, a week, then two weeks. Finally, three weeks after he left, Kendall called me in using Eric Weiss and his own version of 'Joey's Pizza.' Eric was my replacement handler while Vaughn was missing; Kendall knew that I'd be a bit more at ease knowing that Eric, being Vaughn's best friend, wouldn't lie to me if they heard anything whatsoever. Eric would be straightforward with me.
Eric greeted me as I walked in and lead me to a private conference room near the hallway to my mother's cell. When I allowed myself to be ushered into the room, Dad was there. His face was so somber… to have expected good news would have been not only naïve, but also ignorant.
At first I thought that my SD-6 cover had been blown. But as I looked at my father's face, that thought was quickly pushed aside. If I'd been made by SD-6, I wouldn't be wasting time at the operations center; Eric Weiss needn't have been in the room. Hell, Weiss needn't have been in the same building.
It was Vaughn. I just knew that something had developed; I was almost giddy at the thought that Vaughn might be alive, somewhere safe in C.I.A. custody.
But then, Kendall's remorseful eye caught mine. And I knew. I knew that he was really gone.
The only other time that I'd broken down in front of someone as I did that day was when I was with Vaughn. No one else would understand what was going on. I never even needed to tell him what was wrong. He always seemed to know.
Because my one true guide in life, my one true stronghold was gone, I had no idea who to turn to. I sat in that conference room with Kendall, looking as if he'd rather be anywhere but there, my father, not sure of what to do for me, and Eric, silent tears running down his face.
Kendall began to mutter something about finding a body that greatly matched Vaughn description near where the op took place. There was nothing more that they could do. But I didn't want to hear it. For three weeks I'd been harassing Kendall to do more, to send more people after him. Vaughn deserved the best. He deserved the best that could have ever been offered to him.
But as Kendall began to describe the state of the body, the tears came. I didn't even cry that much for Danny. True, I could never compare the two, that wouldn't be fair to either of them, but I had seen the proof that Danny had died.
Vaughn… Vaughn was different. He could very well have still been alive, and the C.I.A. was going to leave him alone, wherever he was. Of course, Kendall tried to explain this situation to me.
"Agent Bristow, I'm aware of how much you cared for Agent Vaughn. I truly am. But we have a 95% guarantee that this man is in fact Agent Vaughn. Miss Bristow, Agent Vaughn-"
"Did he suffer?"
My voice was so cold that I was surprised that even I didn't shiver. I knew I'd regret this question, but I had to know.
"Agent Kendall. Did Vaughn suffer? Was he tortured, or hurt, or just…" My voice trailed off and Kendall thought that this meant that I was just rambling.
But I had to know.
"Agent Kendall. Answer my daughter. She deserves to know the truth. He was her handler. You owe her that much," my father stated.
As Kendall hesitantly opened his mouth to speak, Eric stood up and walked out. The tears were streaming freely down his face by now, and knowing the truth to this question would be too much for him. Even I understood that. Before he left, he murmured something almost incoherently. "Syd – Agent Bristow," he began, knowing that I wouldn't be able to stand hearing Vaughn's name for me. "I'll contact you about your next counter mission."
I nodded, and knew that I owed him an answer. "Thank you, Eric. Thank you so much."
With that, he turned and walked away. And I was free to turn my attention to Vaughn. "Agent Kendall, I know what it's like to be tortured. I know what it's like to be degraded to the lowest sense of the word. I need to know that Vaughn didn't go through that pain. Please. Please! Tell me something," I pleaded, knowing that Kendall would not give me a straight answer.
Instead of Kendall's refusal though, I heard the voice of my father. "He was held captive for two and a half weeks. His captors were trying to find information about you, me, SD-6, and its so-called affiliation with the C.I.A. Sydney, Agent Vaughn went through a lot, provided that this man is in fact him. I truly do not believe, though, that he is gone. It is my impression that Vaughn was captured by K-Directorate and held for information about a mole. I think that maybe on a mission, Anna Espinosa heard you speaking with Vaughn on your comm. The agency probably checked him out, found out that he was C.I.A., and started to suspect that something was going on."
"Sydney, you know that he was strong," my father continued. "He'd be able to withstand anything they threw at him. But just in case they may have gotten something out of him and told SD-6, we need to assume that our covers may be blown."
Kendall jumped in. Apparently my father had discussed this with him already. "We need to work out a plan, in case your father is right. We need to discuss your options, your views on-"
As the conversation had switched away from Vaughn, I felt a sick feeling in my stomach. I stood up to walk out, softly saying, "This is not a time to worry about me. I refuse to believe that Vaughn is dead. I absolutely do not believe that that could be true. Please inform me if you hear anything."
Kendall tried to stop me from leaving, but my father knew that I wouldn't be coherent enough for conversation. He knew that I couldn't take anymore of this. For the first time in his life, my father understood what was going on inside of me.
I think I went to my mother's cell after that, but all I remember was the tears. All I remember was the pain that was snowballing inside of me. I remember praying that he was alive. I remember praying that if he had died, I hoped that he hadn't felt too much pain. He didn't deserve that. He did not deserve that.
I don't remember much of that conversation with my mom. All that I remember was that she wanted to help. She wanted to ease my pain more than anything. "Sydney, I know this is difficult for you. You can't understand this now, but I know that you feel so desperate. I want to help the C.I.A. find him."
I started to interrupt, to tell them that they found a body, but she interjected. "Sydney, I know that you honestly don't believe that Agent Vaughn is dead. I don't either. I want you to listen very carefully." I listened intently, knowing that this could help Vaughn. "Tell Kendall that I have information. Important information that could lead to the recovery of Agent Vaughn and help bring an end to SD-6. Please inform him of that. I know that you need Agent Vaughn, Sydney. Go get Kendall."
I practically ran out of that dingy hallway, wishing that the gates would open faster. As soon as I reached Kendall, he began to speak, but I cut him off. "My mother has something she wants to tell you. Do not argue with me right now. The least you can do is talk to her. You owe Vaughn that much."
Reluctantly, he walked toward my mother's cell. When he reached his destination, he stopped and looked at her inquisitively. "You have something to share?"
She began to reveal that which gave her the power. She let that go for me, for Vaughn. I still am eternally grateful to her for that. "In a small island in the Philippines, there is a small safehouse built for the operatives of my organization. In it, there is a safe. In the safe are disks that may severely detriment both SD-6 and the Alliance of Twelve."
Almost reading Kendall's mind, she continued. " I kept quiet until now because this was all that was left to keep me around and useful. It was once my leverage, but this, finding Agent Vaughn, destroying SD-6, is clearly more important than anything else. You must trust me. You must trust this information. This is your most clear shot at bringing down your enemies. This is your only shot at bringing down your enemies."
Something in her voice pleaded with Kendall to believe what she was saying. My father's look of pure shock proved to me that he trusted her intel. I think that in that moment, he realized that she wasn't going anywhere. He realized that she really did love me. She was trying to pay for the awful things she had done. And he knew it.
"Ms. Derevko," Kendall began. "If you are at all trying to harm our organization, you will pay severely, do you understand that?"
"Of course," she replied bitterly. "I am doing this because I fully understand the pain many people have been put through because of those evil men. I'm not saying that I'm better than they are, but they need to be taken down. I will not betray this country again. You have my word."
With that, Kendall sent in the men who orchestrate the missions. They set up an operation, sending agents to the Philippines.
The hope that I felt in that moment overwhelmed my pain. I had a naïve sense of comfort, believing that this would help Vaughn. My hope overrode my doubt, which I now see was foolish.
My mother was truthful in her admission, her intel did prove useful to the eventual takedown of the Alliance, but it did nothing for Vaughn.
This wasn't only disheartening to me; she, too, was upset that this didn't help. Shortly after the disks were received and I was told that there was nothing that could be used to help Vaughn, I went to speak with her. I sat across from her, directly against the glass. I needed to feel her comfort, her love.
"Sydney, truthfully, I didn't do this to help takedown SD-6. I know that you see Agent Vaughn as something more than a coworker, even as something more than a good friend. He is the only person you trust, and I respect that." Her gaze lifted up to mine, and there was a loneliness, a longing reflected in her eyes. "Please tell me if I can help you in any way. I was never there for you before; I realize that. But, Sydney, I'm here now. And I want to be the mother I never got to be. I wish that there was something I could do."
Silent tears streamed down my face and hers, and she stuck her fingers through the metal grating to touch mine. With that simple gesture, I finally admitted to myself that I didn't only need Vaughn; I missed him with every ounce of my soul. I wanted to hold him, tell him that I loved him. I wanted to walk with him on the beach, go to a hockey game with him. I'd go to that damn warehouse every day if it meant I'd get to see him again.
I just wanted to see him again. But I had a growing dread that that would never happen.
**********************************
So, shall I post more? Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it!
-neumy
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Alias. I don’t own any part of it. No money is being made off of this! Its not mine!
***********************************
CHAPTER ONE
I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't have amnesia; I'm not sick. I've just lost the woman I was. The woman I was died when he did.
I'm not Sydney Bristow; I am currently Annie McFarland. I'm not a brown-eyed brunette, spunky and tough. Not anymore. I can still act perky, but that's all it is; an act. Nowadays, I'm a blonde with bright green eyes.
Everyday I make sure my eyes aren't like his were. They can't be the deep, beautiful, sparkling jade. They can't be wonderful and full of life. My surrogate eyes are lifeless.
I crumble inside just a little more each time I see his face in my mind. Each time I see his smile or remember his touch, I take one step closer to death.
I'm dying all the time.
I can never reach out to him, save him, hold him. I can never rescue him with my strong hand. I can never tell him.
Because every time I try, every time that I get just a little bit closer to him, he dissolves. A figment of my lost mind, he's never really there. He can't really hear me when I tell him that I love him. I wish he could. More than anything, I wish he could hear me. I wish I could hear him say it to me. I'm no fool. I know he loved me. I know he still does.
Wherever he is, I need him to still love me. That naïve belief is all that keeps me going. The ever-dwindling hope that he is alive somewhere and still loves me is all that keeps me alive. That belief is all that keeps me succumbing to the urge to drown in my misery.
I need to feel his love. I need to hear his precious words. I need to feel his touch, his hope, his joy. I need him to know that I'll never forget him. I need him to know that.
But more than anything, I need him.
***********************
He told me it was a simple reconnaissance mission. "I won't be gone for more than a day. A simple grab and run. You know the deal."
That 'one day' soon turned into two days, three days, a week, then two weeks. Finally, three weeks after he left, Kendall called me in using Eric Weiss and his own version of 'Joey's Pizza.' Eric was my replacement handler while Vaughn was missing; Kendall knew that I'd be a bit more at ease knowing that Eric, being Vaughn's best friend, wouldn't lie to me if they heard anything whatsoever. Eric would be straightforward with me.
Eric greeted me as I walked in and lead me to a private conference room near the hallway to my mother's cell. When I allowed myself to be ushered into the room, Dad was there. His face was so somber… to have expected good news would have been not only naïve, but also ignorant.
At first I thought that my SD-6 cover had been blown. But as I looked at my father's face, that thought was quickly pushed aside. If I'd been made by SD-6, I wouldn't be wasting time at the operations center; Eric Weiss needn't have been in the room. Hell, Weiss needn't have been in the same building.
It was Vaughn. I just knew that something had developed; I was almost giddy at the thought that Vaughn might be alive, somewhere safe in C.I.A. custody.
But then, Kendall's remorseful eye caught mine. And I knew. I knew that he was really gone.
The only other time that I'd broken down in front of someone as I did that day was when I was with Vaughn. No one else would understand what was going on. I never even needed to tell him what was wrong. He always seemed to know.
Because my one true guide in life, my one true stronghold was gone, I had no idea who to turn to. I sat in that conference room with Kendall, looking as if he'd rather be anywhere but there, my father, not sure of what to do for me, and Eric, silent tears running down his face.
Kendall began to mutter something about finding a body that greatly matched Vaughn description near where the op took place. There was nothing more that they could do. But I didn't want to hear it. For three weeks I'd been harassing Kendall to do more, to send more people after him. Vaughn deserved the best. He deserved the best that could have ever been offered to him.
But as Kendall began to describe the state of the body, the tears came. I didn't even cry that much for Danny. True, I could never compare the two, that wouldn't be fair to either of them, but I had seen the proof that Danny had died.
Vaughn… Vaughn was different. He could very well have still been alive, and the C.I.A. was going to leave him alone, wherever he was. Of course, Kendall tried to explain this situation to me.
"Agent Bristow, I'm aware of how much you cared for Agent Vaughn. I truly am. But we have a 95% guarantee that this man is in fact Agent Vaughn. Miss Bristow, Agent Vaughn-"
"Did he suffer?"
My voice was so cold that I was surprised that even I didn't shiver. I knew I'd regret this question, but I had to know.
"Agent Kendall. Did Vaughn suffer? Was he tortured, or hurt, or just…" My voice trailed off and Kendall thought that this meant that I was just rambling.
But I had to know.
"Agent Kendall. Answer my daughter. She deserves to know the truth. He was her handler. You owe her that much," my father stated.
As Kendall hesitantly opened his mouth to speak, Eric stood up and walked out. The tears were streaming freely down his face by now, and knowing the truth to this question would be too much for him. Even I understood that. Before he left, he murmured something almost incoherently. "Syd – Agent Bristow," he began, knowing that I wouldn't be able to stand hearing Vaughn's name for me. "I'll contact you about your next counter mission."
I nodded, and knew that I owed him an answer. "Thank you, Eric. Thank you so much."
With that, he turned and walked away. And I was free to turn my attention to Vaughn. "Agent Kendall, I know what it's like to be tortured. I know what it's like to be degraded to the lowest sense of the word. I need to know that Vaughn didn't go through that pain. Please. Please! Tell me something," I pleaded, knowing that Kendall would not give me a straight answer.
Instead of Kendall's refusal though, I heard the voice of my father. "He was held captive for two and a half weeks. His captors were trying to find information about you, me, SD-6, and its so-called affiliation with the C.I.A. Sydney, Agent Vaughn went through a lot, provided that this man is in fact him. I truly do not believe, though, that he is gone. It is my impression that Vaughn was captured by K-Directorate and held for information about a mole. I think that maybe on a mission, Anna Espinosa heard you speaking with Vaughn on your comm. The agency probably checked him out, found out that he was C.I.A., and started to suspect that something was going on."
"Sydney, you know that he was strong," my father continued. "He'd be able to withstand anything they threw at him. But just in case they may have gotten something out of him and told SD-6, we need to assume that our covers may be blown."
Kendall jumped in. Apparently my father had discussed this with him already. "We need to work out a plan, in case your father is right. We need to discuss your options, your views on-"
As the conversation had switched away from Vaughn, I felt a sick feeling in my stomach. I stood up to walk out, softly saying, "This is not a time to worry about me. I refuse to believe that Vaughn is dead. I absolutely do not believe that that could be true. Please inform me if you hear anything."
Kendall tried to stop me from leaving, but my father knew that I wouldn't be coherent enough for conversation. He knew that I couldn't take anymore of this. For the first time in his life, my father understood what was going on inside of me.
I think I went to my mother's cell after that, but all I remember was the tears. All I remember was the pain that was snowballing inside of me. I remember praying that he was alive. I remember praying that if he had died, I hoped that he hadn't felt too much pain. He didn't deserve that. He did not deserve that.
I don't remember much of that conversation with my mom. All that I remember was that she wanted to help. She wanted to ease my pain more than anything. "Sydney, I know this is difficult for you. You can't understand this now, but I know that you feel so desperate. I want to help the C.I.A. find him."
I started to interrupt, to tell them that they found a body, but she interjected. "Sydney, I know that you honestly don't believe that Agent Vaughn is dead. I don't either. I want you to listen very carefully." I listened intently, knowing that this could help Vaughn. "Tell Kendall that I have information. Important information that could lead to the recovery of Agent Vaughn and help bring an end to SD-6. Please inform him of that. I know that you need Agent Vaughn, Sydney. Go get Kendall."
I practically ran out of that dingy hallway, wishing that the gates would open faster. As soon as I reached Kendall, he began to speak, but I cut him off. "My mother has something she wants to tell you. Do not argue with me right now. The least you can do is talk to her. You owe Vaughn that much."
Reluctantly, he walked toward my mother's cell. When he reached his destination, he stopped and looked at her inquisitively. "You have something to share?"
She began to reveal that which gave her the power. She let that go for me, for Vaughn. I still am eternally grateful to her for that. "In a small island in the Philippines, there is a small safehouse built for the operatives of my organization. In it, there is a safe. In the safe are disks that may severely detriment both SD-6 and the Alliance of Twelve."
Almost reading Kendall's mind, she continued. " I kept quiet until now because this was all that was left to keep me around and useful. It was once my leverage, but this, finding Agent Vaughn, destroying SD-6, is clearly more important than anything else. You must trust me. You must trust this information. This is your most clear shot at bringing down your enemies. This is your only shot at bringing down your enemies."
Something in her voice pleaded with Kendall to believe what she was saying. My father's look of pure shock proved to me that he trusted her intel. I think that in that moment, he realized that she wasn't going anywhere. He realized that she really did love me. She was trying to pay for the awful things she had done. And he knew it.
"Ms. Derevko," Kendall began. "If you are at all trying to harm our organization, you will pay severely, do you understand that?"
"Of course," she replied bitterly. "I am doing this because I fully understand the pain many people have been put through because of those evil men. I'm not saying that I'm better than they are, but they need to be taken down. I will not betray this country again. You have my word."
With that, Kendall sent in the men who orchestrate the missions. They set up an operation, sending agents to the Philippines.
The hope that I felt in that moment overwhelmed my pain. I had a naïve sense of comfort, believing that this would help Vaughn. My hope overrode my doubt, which I now see was foolish.
My mother was truthful in her admission, her intel did prove useful to the eventual takedown of the Alliance, but it did nothing for Vaughn.
This wasn't only disheartening to me; she, too, was upset that this didn't help. Shortly after the disks were received and I was told that there was nothing that could be used to help Vaughn, I went to speak with her. I sat across from her, directly against the glass. I needed to feel her comfort, her love.
"Sydney, truthfully, I didn't do this to help takedown SD-6. I know that you see Agent Vaughn as something more than a coworker, even as something more than a good friend. He is the only person you trust, and I respect that." Her gaze lifted up to mine, and there was a loneliness, a longing reflected in her eyes. "Please tell me if I can help you in any way. I was never there for you before; I realize that. But, Sydney, I'm here now. And I want to be the mother I never got to be. I wish that there was something I could do."
Silent tears streamed down my face and hers, and she stuck her fingers through the metal grating to touch mine. With that simple gesture, I finally admitted to myself that I didn't only need Vaughn; I missed him with every ounce of my soul. I wanted to hold him, tell him that I loved him. I wanted to walk with him on the beach, go to a hockey game with him. I'd go to that damn warehouse every day if it meant I'd get to see him again.
I just wanted to see him again. But I had a growing dread that that would never happen.
**********************************
So, shall I post more? Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it!
-neumy
