LannaDerevko
Cadet
Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own Alias, because if I did Vaughn would still be alive and kicking. (Ass, that is...)
Title: Loss Of My Heart
Sumery: But I know for a fact that I'd wouldn't be breathing right now if I didn't have this child inside me.
Auther: Lanna D.
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Syd's POV
It's hard, I admit that. And I'm not just talking about everything I've lost. Everyone I've lost. Because I've lost a hell of a lot. Sometimes I have to check, make sure I'm still breathing... make sure I haven't lost myself yet. Because every time I lose someone, or something, I lose a piece of myself. Sometimes it's so small that it really doesn't matter, but usually, it's a big piece that hurts like hell.
When I lost Danny, I though that I wouldn't get over it. I lost a good chunk of my heart when I lost him. And I grieved the best I could, which is kind of hard when you're being jetted off to some foreign country every other day.
Then, I found out about SD-6. When I found out what they really were, I lost a piece of who I thought I was. A patriot, someone fighting for the good of her country. So when I found out that I was fighting against the very people I thought I was working for, it hurt.
When Noah came back I was confused. I still had those old feelings for him, obviously. But he'd hurt me when he just up and left. But I was happy to see him again, to be friends. And when he asked me to leave with him, I seriously considered it. It would have been so much easier then lying to everyone I loved. But then I found out who he really was. An assassin, someone who killed people for a living. And I killed him. But I think it hurt more to know that someone else I loved had betrayed me, lied to me.
And then my mother... a very complex woman. One minute she's shooting her own daughter, and the next turning herself in to the CIA. She claims to have loved me and my father, but if she really did how could she have just left like that? How could she have betrayed us, lied to our face again? Or kill those CIA agents, including Vaughn's father? But despite everything she did, I still love her. She is my mother after all. And I lost her not once, but twice. Only to find out that she was still alive...
Then there's Francie and Will. While I was working for SD-6 I both looked forward to seeing them, and dreaded it. Because being with them I was Sydney, their workaholic friend. Just a normal person, not a double agent for the CIA. But I hated lying to them. It didn't really matter though, because I lost them to my job anyways. True, Will is still alive, but he lost the life he'd always known. He lost his career, his family, everything. All because of this job. And Francie, she was the only innocent victim here. Will went looking into SD-6, even after I asked him not to. But Francie had not idea what I really did. And she died anyways. And I had no idea. I mean, I'm a spy for heaven's sake! I should have known that Allison wasn't Francie. But I didn't. And I didn't ever really get to grieve for Francie either.
And let me tell you, in things to be avoided, losing two years of your life is at the top. And it's not like I have any memory of the time. It's not like I remember anything that I did or what was done to me. And the fact that it wasn't the Covenant that took my memory... that it was me still gets to me. It would be bad enough to know that you've been missing for so long and come back to see that everyone has moved on, but to wake up thinking it's only been a day or two, at the most?
And in losing those two years, I lost the most important person to me. Michael Vaughn. It hurts to think that if I hadn’t lost Danny, I wouldn't have met Vaughn. Or if Danny had lived, we'd would have gotten married and made a life together. But I know that even if that had happened, I would have found out about SD-6 eventually. And I would have gone to the CIA, and met Vaughn anyways. I know that because I know that Vaughn and I were meant to be together. But I got him back eventually. Not before almost losing him to himself though. After Lauren, he got self-destructive. And just as we're getting back to normal, what ever that is, I lose him again. This time not to another woman or lost time. This time I lose him to a bullet. Or twenty bullets... one thing about Vaughn, he never does things half-assed, dying included.
And Nadia, my long lost sister. Why do all the women in my family have to try and kill me? Yeah, I get she was infected, but still my sister tried to kill me. I was so hopeful when the told me she had woke up. I just wanted to see her, talk to her. But I didn't even get to do that. I got there just as they were putting her under again. They say there's a very good chance she's not going to get better. So, I'm going to be losing my baby sister...
I just glad I still have my father. Yeah he's done a lot of questionable things over the years, and he can be a cold-blooded bastard sometimes. But I know that he loves me, in his own way. And everything he does is for me, to keep me safe. I'm happy that our relationship is getting better, that he's acting more and more like a father or grandfather now. I love my father, but it's nice to see him make mistakes sometimes. And not intelligence related either. Just something stupid, like putting together the crib and not being able to get it through the door.
Everyone thinks that I'm so strong, but I'm not. I've learned to compartmentalize a lot, but I know that I wouldn't be as strong as I am without everyone. Without Marshall's amusing rambling, without Dixon's fatherly support in and out of the field. Without this new friendship with Rachel, and without Tom's expertise in the field. Even without Sloane's expected betrayal.
But I know for a fact that I'd wouldn't be breathing right now if I didn't have this child inside me. When I lost her father I lost a lot of my heart, and she's holding what's left of it. And if anything happens to her... All I know is I will do anything and everything to make sure nothing happens to my baby, and I know her father would have done the same.
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TBC when I get five reviews...
Title: Loss Of My Heart
Sumery: But I know for a fact that I'd wouldn't be breathing right now if I didn't have this child inside me.
Auther: Lanna D.
-----------------------------------------------------
Syd's POV
It's hard, I admit that. And I'm not just talking about everything I've lost. Everyone I've lost. Because I've lost a hell of a lot. Sometimes I have to check, make sure I'm still breathing... make sure I haven't lost myself yet. Because every time I lose someone, or something, I lose a piece of myself. Sometimes it's so small that it really doesn't matter, but usually, it's a big piece that hurts like hell.
When I lost Danny, I though that I wouldn't get over it. I lost a good chunk of my heart when I lost him. And I grieved the best I could, which is kind of hard when you're being jetted off to some foreign country every other day.
Then, I found out about SD-6. When I found out what they really were, I lost a piece of who I thought I was. A patriot, someone fighting for the good of her country. So when I found out that I was fighting against the very people I thought I was working for, it hurt.
When Noah came back I was confused. I still had those old feelings for him, obviously. But he'd hurt me when he just up and left. But I was happy to see him again, to be friends. And when he asked me to leave with him, I seriously considered it. It would have been so much easier then lying to everyone I loved. But then I found out who he really was. An assassin, someone who killed people for a living. And I killed him. But I think it hurt more to know that someone else I loved had betrayed me, lied to me.
And then my mother... a very complex woman. One minute she's shooting her own daughter, and the next turning herself in to the CIA. She claims to have loved me and my father, but if she really did how could she have just left like that? How could she have betrayed us, lied to our face again? Or kill those CIA agents, including Vaughn's father? But despite everything she did, I still love her. She is my mother after all. And I lost her not once, but twice. Only to find out that she was still alive...
Then there's Francie and Will. While I was working for SD-6 I both looked forward to seeing them, and dreaded it. Because being with them I was Sydney, their workaholic friend. Just a normal person, not a double agent for the CIA. But I hated lying to them. It didn't really matter though, because I lost them to my job anyways. True, Will is still alive, but he lost the life he'd always known. He lost his career, his family, everything. All because of this job. And Francie, she was the only innocent victim here. Will went looking into SD-6, even after I asked him not to. But Francie had not idea what I really did. And she died anyways. And I had no idea. I mean, I'm a spy for heaven's sake! I should have known that Allison wasn't Francie. But I didn't. And I didn't ever really get to grieve for Francie either.
And let me tell you, in things to be avoided, losing two years of your life is at the top. And it's not like I have any memory of the time. It's not like I remember anything that I did or what was done to me. And the fact that it wasn't the Covenant that took my memory... that it was me still gets to me. It would be bad enough to know that you've been missing for so long and come back to see that everyone has moved on, but to wake up thinking it's only been a day or two, at the most?
And in losing those two years, I lost the most important person to me. Michael Vaughn. It hurts to think that if I hadn’t lost Danny, I wouldn't have met Vaughn. Or if Danny had lived, we'd would have gotten married and made a life together. But I know that even if that had happened, I would have found out about SD-6 eventually. And I would have gone to the CIA, and met Vaughn anyways. I know that because I know that Vaughn and I were meant to be together. But I got him back eventually. Not before almost losing him to himself though. After Lauren, he got self-destructive. And just as we're getting back to normal, what ever that is, I lose him again. This time not to another woman or lost time. This time I lose him to a bullet. Or twenty bullets... one thing about Vaughn, he never does things half-assed, dying included.
And Nadia, my long lost sister. Why do all the women in my family have to try and kill me? Yeah, I get she was infected, but still my sister tried to kill me. I was so hopeful when the told me she had woke up. I just wanted to see her, talk to her. But I didn't even get to do that. I got there just as they were putting her under again. They say there's a very good chance she's not going to get better. So, I'm going to be losing my baby sister...
I just glad I still have my father. Yeah he's done a lot of questionable things over the years, and he can be a cold-blooded bastard sometimes. But I know that he loves me, in his own way. And everything he does is for me, to keep me safe. I'm happy that our relationship is getting better, that he's acting more and more like a father or grandfather now. I love my father, but it's nice to see him make mistakes sometimes. And not intelligence related either. Just something stupid, like putting together the crib and not being able to get it through the door.
Everyone thinks that I'm so strong, but I'm not. I've learned to compartmentalize a lot, but I know that I wouldn't be as strong as I am without everyone. Without Marshall's amusing rambling, without Dixon's fatherly support in and out of the field. Without this new friendship with Rachel, and without Tom's expertise in the field. Even without Sloane's expected betrayal.
But I know for a fact that I'd wouldn't be breathing right now if I didn't have this child inside me. When I lost her father I lost a lot of my heart, and she's holding what's left of it. And if anything happens to her... All I know is I will do anything and everything to make sure nothing happens to my baby, and I know her father would have done the same.
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TBC when I get five reviews...
