The Things That Can Never Be

E

Existentialist

Entertainment Moderator
The Things That Can Never Be
written by: Existentialist
PG (for now, anyways)
S/V angst-ish
disclaimer: Alias was not created by me. The characters are not mine. You know the deal.
spoilers: general season 3. Some for Full Disclosure and the Crossing.


PART 1

You long for her smile. Her sweet smile. If you concentrate hard enough, you can see her in front of you, standing above where you sit, smiling down at you. But it’s just an illusion. She’s dead. You buried her this morning.

Take a sip from the bottle- you don’t even care enough to pour the drink into the glass that’s sitting on the table in front of you. Go back to that night. The night you found her house in ruins. Everything destroyed, including the one person you loved more than anything. Did you ever tell her that? Not with words. Maybe you should have said it. You sunk down among the ruins, near where her body was found, burned beyond recognition. It took a DNA test to make the match. You sat and cried for all that was lost so suddenly.

Close your eyes and wait for the wave of pain to pass. It always does. Take another sip and think back on better times. Remember the first time you lay eyes on her. Her hair was a hideous clown-red, her lip torn and her jaw swollen. She looked horrible, but as you stood there, watching her write so furiously, so intently, she intrigued you. You wondered how someone who looked so beaten up, so crazy, could be so beautiful. After that, she had your complete attention.

Remember the first time you saw her cry. She called you at night, obviously upset. You had other plans, but you were already at her disposal then. You met her at the pier. You know the one. It has a fantastic view of the ferris wheel. It was one of her favorite places to go, she later revealed, and you were so strangely overcome with the joy that she had shared one of her favorite places with you. That was the first night you let her know that you were there for her. She had grabbed your hand and held it. And you reveled in the thought of that first touch of skin on skin.

Your eyes mist over with tears and the bottle becomes blurry in your hand. But that doesn’t matter- the bottle has an automatic path to your mouth, where it can numb your pain, make you feel weightless. This weightlessness has become familiar, a friend. It’s the only way the pain will lessen.

Go back to the first time you kissed her. Everything around you was in ruins as you looked around, weighing the implications of the downfall of the Alliance. And then you saw her just standing there, taking everything in. Her gaze turned to you and you knew only one thing. You kissed, an emotions-baring kiss. Right there in that kiss, it was cemented in stone that you belonged to each other. It was so much that you thought your heart would burst. Never before had you felt that way.

But now she’s gone, and you will never feel that way again. You will never smell her hair, feel the softness of her skin. Never again will you listen to her breathe beside you in bed, nor will you watch her as she lies peacefully in slumber. There will be no more muttered words as she dreams. You will never be able to tell her how there was nothing more for you, than to be beside her for the rest of your life.

The tears begin to mount behind blurred eyes. You make no effort to stop them. You just sit there and cry, as you think about the things that can never be.
 
Can this be any more sad? This is really, really, really good. Can you add me to your PM list because this is brilliant.

YAY I'm 13 in 3 DAYS! 9 Days left of my precious school holidays!
 
I forgot to tell you that I have actual real tears rolling down my face. It breaks my heart to hear Vaughn like this. I live in Australia so all I have is pictures and stories of season 3. This is the first fic that has made me cry. And it is only one chapter. I hope you continue this for a very, very, very looooooooooong time.
 
Oh please, you have to. Look at how good of a writer you are. Can you please think about continueing? It could be my birthday present :MajorPuppyDogFace:
 
I'm in the process of writing a new fic, but I can probably incorperate it into this one. We'll see. :lol: I didn't think anyone would like it this much.
 
Okay, well, I guess now it's going to be longer. This second part came out pretty easily, so I guess I'll keep going to see where it goes.

(read the disclaimer at the beginning of part 1)


PART 2


You sit in another chair, a few years later, but doing the same thing. This time, no one has died, but you wish some one had. Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much. Maybe then you wouldn’t feel so stupid. You lift the bottle to your mouth and swallow. Feel the burning of the drink flow down into your stomach. Close your eyes and let that sensation take you over a few moments before your brain starts working again.

It was something you should have seen coming. She had been acting so strange lately. And too many things had been going wrong in missions, things that shouldn’t have happened. Lazeray getting shot by the sniper. Now you knew that the sniper had been her. That she had been ordered to kill him. The plane crash in North Korea had been orchestrated because of her intel. You shouldn’t be alive right now, but you are. And as a reward, you get to hear that she works for the Covenant.

You wanted to confront her, to ask her the truth. But since her cover was blown, you haven’t seen her. She has left you with this life that she helped to construct. And that’s all it was to her, a mechanical construction. You take another drink as you think about how much she has hurt you. And you hate yourself for getting into this situation. You should have been smarter. After all, Sydney’s mother had done the same thing to her father. You knew the story, it should have been a cautionary tale. But here you are anyways.

Suddenly, you feel the walls coming down around you. This house you’re in, it’s a complete lie. Nothing about it is real. And you can’t stand it. You jump up, grab your car keys and head out the front door. You don’t care where you’re going, you just need to get away from this house full of fake memories.

You drive along the coast, trying hard to stay below the speed limit, because you know your blood alcohol level is too high. Suddenly, you remember that Weiss lives near the coast. And Sydney lives near him. You drive like a man on a mission now. You’re not sure of the mission, but at least now you have a destination.
 
Do you know how good a writer you are? This is fantastic. i really urge you to continue this fic. It is BRILLIANT. Can you also PM me when you post your new fic and when you update this? Congratulations on being such a great writer :D
 
wow... this is brilliant!!! glad that you've decided to continue!!! I love angst... I love S/V angst...
could you PM me when you update???
 
(please the disclaimer at the beginning of part 1)


PART 3



It takes you longer than it should, but you find her door. You ring the doorbell, not sure of what you’re going to say, but you can’t turn back now. Notice how the doorbell ring sounds different. Even though it’s been three years, you can still remember exactly how her old doorbell sounded. You remember even the most inane details about her. Maybe you should tell her that. But how?

After a few moments, the door slowly opens. And there she is. She’s wearing her standard nighttime clothes, a tank top and light sweatpants. Her eyes look tired, but her hair isn’t rumpled, which makes you wonder if she was still awake, and why. Her eyes open wider in surprise as she takes in your image and says tentatively, “Vaughn?”

“Can I come in?” You don’t know what else to say. That was good enough. She opens the door wider for you and you walk in, trying not to stagger. You’re concentrating so much on not staggering that you miss the step down into her living room, and you stumble. She reaches out to help steady you. Her touch takes your breath away.

She leads you to a couch and you sit. She sits down on the opposite end of the couch, only a foot or so away, but it feels like miles. You wonder why she won’t sit closer. Then you remember why.

You look around, take in her new place. Her old place had always been shining with a sort of sunny vigor, even when it was raining out. This place is different. The walls are darker, everything looks more rustic. Even her couch is a darker shade.

You feel her eyes on you, so you turn to face her. She’s studying you, her head propped up by an arm. “Vaughn,” she says again. “What are you doing here?”

How can you form the words, how can you say it without making it hurt in a thousand different ways? “Lauren… she, uh… she’s gone,” you answer lamely. You should have brought that bottle with you.

Her eyes are sympathetic as she says truthfully, “I’m sorry.” But you know she shouldn’t be sorry. You’re the one who’s sorry. And suddenly you feel ashamed that she’s seeing you as a sorry drunk.

“Don’t be. It- it’s my fault. I should have seen it coming…” You have more to say, but you trail off. So much to say, but no words will form on your lips.

She smiles, still sympathetic, in that way she has, so her eyes look wistful and sweet and kind. “You couldn’t have seen this coming. She had all of us fooled. Don’t blame yourself,” she comforts, and you devour this comfort, craving more. She must have read your mind, because she moves closer and takes you in her arms. You almost cling onto her, making sure she’s tangible, that this isn’t some sort of dream. You inhale deep into her hair, the smell of her shampoo tickling your nose in that way you’ve missed. There’s no other place you’d rather be at the moment, than right here, feeling her strong, lithe arms around you.

Too soon, she leans back and holds you at arm’s length. “Vaughn,” she says, her voice kind. “You’re going to be okay.”

You nod a little, because that’s what you think you’re supposed to do. What you want to do is lean over and brush your lips against hers. Before you can think about it twice, you do just that. Then you lean back and take in her reaction. For a second, her face contorts in a mixture of desire and sadness. Her eyes flutter up and she looks at you. You can see that now she’s fumbling for words. “Vaughn,” she says quietly, hesitantly, as if she doesn’t want to break the spell. “What are you…?” She doesn’t finish the question, but it’s so obvious what she’s asking.

“What I always want to do, every time I see you,” you answer honestly. There’s nothing to gain by being anything but completely honest. She already knows that she’s the only one you ever have and ever will love.

Her reaction is mixed. The outcome is that her face crumples a little and tears spring up in the corners of her eyes. But before she can say anything to remind you of how you were deceived by your wife, you kiss her again. This kiss is more needy and she responds.

Emotions well up inside of you, making you unable to breathe, so you break away and rest your forehead on hers. You both take deep breaths, letting emotions recede. After a moment, your lips crave more, so you move to kiss her again, but she leans back. “Vaughn.” Why does she always say your name? “You’re drunk.” She smiles in that wistful way again.

You sit back, leaning your head against the back of the couch so you have a view of the ceiling. The spinning ceiling. You hear her get off the couch and walk away, but you don’t turn to look where she’s going. She comes back a minute later anyways, and puts something cool in your hands. You look down. A glass of water. You take a sip and slowly swallow, letting the sharp cold lace it’s way into your body.

She takes the glass from you and sits down on the couch, this time closer to where you are. She doesn’t ask you to explain why you’re drunk and why you’re here. Instead, she just sits in silence next to you. You feel your eyes get heavy and you succumb to the waves of sleep that keep lapping against you.
 
This is absolutely brilliant. There are so many better words to describe this fic, but i cant think of them :P I hope that you decide to continue this story for a very long time. It is excellent. Definately the BEST. Thanx for the PM!
 
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