PS. I love you


Nov 1, 2004
Ottawa, Canada
Now we know why Jack is so protective of Sydney. I don't really think he hates Vaughn, it's more that he doesn't believe that he could love Sydney like he says he does. He's afraid that Vaughn is going to hurt her in the end like the other one that raped Sydney.

But we all know Vaughn and there's nothing he wouldn't do for Sydney. What a guy!

Thanks for the pm and can't wait for more.


Oct 30, 2004
I KNEW IT! (Not that I'm happy Syd got raped, I'm just happy that I was right.) Oh...another question: Was Syd always....mentally challenged or did that come -- somehow -- when she was raped?

Anyway...I LOVED the fluff -- you write so well. Thanks for the PM! The chapter was great.
This is for Mel and just for all you other guys... I know you're reading many fics and sometimes it's hard to keep track, so just re-posting (quoting) a part of the second chapter for your info ;)

Ten minutes later he returned to Sydney with yet another file in his hands. Those of Sydney Bristow… the daughter from one of his superiors Jack Bristow.

Sydney Bristow was the daughter of Jack Bristow, he repeated like a Mantra in his head. Why didn’t this ring a bell right away while they were in the meeting? Jack Bristow is a strong man, a fighter. He’s a CIA double agent whom loved and cherished his daughter above anything else. But nobody in the office had every known or seen her. Nobody knew anything about Jack Bristow’s private life besides that he had a daughter.

Now Vaughn was again standing face to face with her. Although he was standing out of the room she was waiting in, sipping on her glass of orange juice.

Her file was not very big. Born on 17th April 1980, mother deceased after her birth. There were complications during labor and Sydney had to endure the entire effects. Her IQ doesn’t reach above 80. She attended special elementary school till she was ten. Her father and her nanny were the only people she has ever been close too so far.

On one hand Vaughn figured how she ever ended up having a child. Different pictures occupied his brain for a while and then he shook them off since they weren’t any pleasant ones.

Dominic Nathaniel Bristow was born on 1st December 1999. His father was unknown in the file. His mother was Sydney Anne Bristow. The boy revealed himself as a normal baby and grew up to a normal child. His mother raised him by herself and he was now attending Thomas Edison elementary school since this year.

Dominic was described as being a very charming, natural and smart little boy. The picture attached with a paper clip to the file only confirmed Vaughn’s imagination of the child. He smiled at the cute face that was staring at him from the paper gloss.
Oct 30, 2004
Part 14

A/N: My plans were to write this entire story on third person’s view… but then I had to skip in several parts where I think it’s better to have a VPOV because it makes the entire situation more intense… Seeing how Vaughn feels about everything… I guess you know what I mean, right?!?

Vaughn’s POV

Raped….raped… Never in my life has my brain absorbed the true meaning of that word until today. How am I supposed to go back to Sydney now and look into her eyes without having my heart wrench at each time I’ll either look at her or Nicky? How am I supposed to act casually around her now that my presumptions were all proven right?

For the couple of months I’ve tried to ignore my thoughts; that it wasn’t true. Yet everything leaded to that fact I still didn’t want to recognize that pain Sydney had to endure.

When I’m looking at Sydney, I see her so innocent and vulnerable. She’s so charming and loving. How could anybody hurt her like that? And why for?

God knows how much I loved to have sex with women, but I never choose to abuse any of them. Our physical intercourses were always agreed on both sides. Never would I dare laying a hand on a woman without her agreement.

Then I look at Dominic… I see his angelic figure, somewhat looking like his mother and other traits are completely different. He’s such an adorable and smart little guy and despite everything Sydney loves him beyond anything.

Jack was right on all points. I have no idea what it must have been like for Sydney the past seven years. Raped, then pregnant with a child she decided to keep, then raising her own child on her own. Whenever I think this woman couldn’t possibly astonish me more, she does the complete opposite.

Yet here I am, standing in front of her door now. I don’t know how I’m going to feel around her. I want to hold her in my arms, tell her that everything is going to be fine, that I’ll be there to protect the pair for the rest of my life. To make her happy, to see her smiling… so many things that I don’t know where to start or to end.

I take a deep breath, knocking on the door. Feet are storming up to the main door. I know it’s Dominic welcoming me.

“Michael” he squeals, throwing himself into my legs once he’s opened the door.

“Hey buddy…” I say lifting him up. A pain like a knife pulled through my heart shoots through my chest. He’s the most innocent in all of this… Does Dominic even know who his daddy is? Although daddy is a too precious word for that animal! Looking around the kitchen but no Sydney…

“Where’s mummy Nicky?”

“In the bathroom… she’s getting ready”

“Ready for what?”

“Dunno” he mumbles not caring at all as he pushes me along to his bedroom. I didn’t even have time to take of my coat. “Look what I got!” he beams waving a new DVD in front of my eyes “I got it from mummy… can I watch tonight?”

“I don’t know… You’ll have to ask mummy for that. Did you do your homework?” I ask as every night. Jack is on a mission in Casablanca for the next three days so I promised Sydney to drop in. But what Jack told me this morning before leaving to Egypt made it very difficult for me to step over the pane.

“Uh-huh… this… this… and this!” he flops several books onto his table and while I check on his writing and his calculus he reads some book. I have to smile at Sydney’s not talented voice at all to sing as she opens the door and freezes once she’s spotted me.

“I… I… Michael, you’re here” she stutters away, blushing up. I close Dominic’s books and stove them back into his schoolbag for tomorrow, telling Sydney she has to sign one of the tests.

She walks up next to me but Dominic interrupts us, bouncing around like crazy since he wants to watch his movie. Sydney agrees but only for half an hour. He storms out of the room, leaving Sydney and me alone.

“Where do I have to sign?” I free the seat for her to sit down. She takes the pen in her hand and with much application signs her name under Dominic’s note.

I can’t hold it, going down on my knees to be on the same eye level with her, pulling her head in for a kiss. She sees my eyes travelling to the paper, looking nervously back into my eyes. Before she can say anything, I say

“I’m proud of you”

I’m rewarded with one of the most warm-hearted dimpled smiles in the world.

“You’re amazing and absolutely beautiful… “ I say purposefully avoiding the torment of thoughts running through my brain. Knowing Sydney I know she’ll figure it out sooner or later. My mask fades apparently since she questions

“What’s wrong?”

“Your father told me…”

“What did daddy tell you?”

“About Nicky’s father… I know everything… well I know what happened… I… I don’t know what to say Sydney ‘cause all I want to do is to hold you”

“Why? Why did you do that?” she cries. The cries are first soft and low but intensify rapidly. Her fingers are fists now as second by second I have to watch her fall apart. “I don’t want that… I don’t want anybody to know…”

“Why not Sydney? Let me help you!”

“People always want to help! But nobody can help! Not even daddy… it has happened… and it’s over… I have my son and I don’t want anybody to take him away because I’m a little different from all of you! I don’t need your help….” She throws at me harshly.

In some way I understand her point of view. It has happened… that’s it. One can’t change the past, but we can make the future better. I want to make her, their, future better. I want her to know what it’s like to love somebody; what it’s like to love a man… to make love… to know that kind of happiness even though I hardly know it myself.

“I only want you to know that I’m here if you need somebody to talk to.”

“I don’t need anybody to talk to. I can talk to daddy whenever I want!”

“Sydney I love you… and there are things we’ll eventually have to talk about”

“We don’t need to… we are happy the way we are, aren’t we?”

“Sydney please. Don’t make it any worse! I’m sure you know what I mean! I don’t want to loose you… I’ve never loved anybody the way I love you” I know I must sound pathetic right now. Begging Sydney for her to understand me…

“We don’t need that, do we? You said you liked to be with me… and to hold me…” she recites then her cheeks turn all red “and also to kiss. Isn’t this what you want?”

The very brief hesitation of my answer is enough for her to understand what I’m implementing. I don’t know what is running through her mind right now but all I know is that I’ve scared her away. Of course I want us to get to know each other better in every way; even our intimate part. But I’ve always been aware that it would take Sydney lots of time to let go.

It will be difficult for me to wait for her but I know that I can. I’m able to resist against the temptation to get mutual physical satisfaction because my love for her is so strong that everything compared to this love, fades away or is non-existent. I’m utterly devoted to Sydney and again I can’t repeat myself often enough that I’m scared to love somebody as much as I do Sydney.

“Could you please leave us alone?”

“Don’t do that Sydney…”

“I need some time to think”

“Please” I want to hold her but again that was the wrong move to do as she steps backwards almost tripping over Dominic’s schoolbag. His soft laughter reaches our ears and my hearts swells up with mixed feelings. Sydney’s eyes are almost blank, she’s anxious and the only way to calm us both down is to leave her… at least for a little while.

So I do.

“You going?” Dominic wonders, his body stretched out on the rug, watching his movie with the remote control in his hands.

“Yeah… I have to…” at which he groans loud enough for Sydney to hear in his bedroom. I don’t want to lie to the little guy and explain him as careful as possible.

“Mummy and I have some things to clear out… the best is if I leave you alone, alright? Just for a little while… but I want you to be nice to your mum is that understood? And if you need anything you can always call me, right?”

He first shot me this weird look wondering why his mother and I would have differences but he is quite reasonable and nods his head. “Ok”

“Ok… good night buddy”

“Night” I briefly lift him up and hold tight onto him. He’s simply an amazing child; a child I no longer want to live without; a child that isn’t mine… but I don’t care of. I set him onto the couch before leaving them.

Part 15

I don’t know why but I find myself all of a sudden in front of Sydney’s door again; four hours later. The fight we’ve had tonight was completely my fault and I hate myself for upsetting her the way I did. I step up to the front door, hesitating at first whether to knock or not.

Then I decide against it because it’s past 10pm. She’s an earlier person going to bed, so I unlock the door with my own key that I’d forgotten about before. The light is on as always except that she’s not in bed but laying on the couch with a myriad of used tissues covering the floor in front of the couch.

Once I’m closer to her I notice that she’s asleep, exhausted. I sigh heavily with a pain in the pit of my stomach. I could literally slam my head against the wall… I’m an ass… Taking the remote control in order to turn off the VCR as well as the TV, I finally take acknowledge of what she’s been watching.

The sound is off so I hadn’t paid much attention but the images on screen capture my interest. I push the + button just a few times for faint voices filling the tiny space that was her living room.

I sit down onto the ground, where I have a good view to the TV and Sydney’s sleeping figure at the same time. For some sort of reason I need to see her doing well right now. My eyes go back to the screen following something I’ve never seen in my entire life; the birth of a child.


“Come on sweetheart…you can do it” Sydney mustered all her strength with the last push, her son finally slipping out of her into the midwife’s awaiting arms.

“Daddy” She has difficulties to breathe through the effort she has just put into this labor.

Jack reassures his daughter “It’s ok sweetie… he’s here… you did wonderful” He then leans closer kissing his daughter’s forehead.

“Where is he? Why did they take him? They can’t take my baby away daddy” Sydney’s smile dissipated with her growing anxiety. The recent acknowledge that her child might be taken away from her was unbearable.

“Nobody’s gonna take him from you Sydney! Nobody… I promise… they only need to check if the baby’s ok. Remember I told you… he’ll be back real soon”

Just then the midwife returned to father and daughter with a wailing baby in her arms.

The camera followed the entire scene as the tiny bundle was carefully handed out to Sydney.

“He’s so cute daddy…”

“I know… Everything is going to be just fine now”

End Flashback

But that wasn’t the end as yet. I simply need some time to take in those pictures, gazing at Sydney for quite a very long while, loosing myself in her as so many other times. She looked so young on the tape.

Sure calculating back she was not older than 19 there... although I would have only given her 17. She’s a child herself, holding her own baby. But the way she held it… so full of love. I recognize the same love in her eyes she still has today when gazing at her sleeping son. I can’t believe I just saw this. I try to understand her better every day, to get to know her better every day. And somehow that seems to be working.

My love for her is growing endlessly. I don’t even remember why we had such a stupid argument this afternoon. Why am I pushing her away with my stupid questions that I know she’s uncomfortable with? I don’t get it! Yet I love her so dearly… I could just cry for being so stupid…

I push the play button again. We jump off to a complete different scene. This one seems to be taking place in this very flat, here…


Sydney rocks her son in her arms sitting in a rocking chair in the former nursery. The walls are a soft blue color and the furniture is still as simple as it is now. The camera zooms in filming her nursing the baby.

“Daddy… stop it!”

“Why? I love to have films with my grandson on it!”

“Don’t daddy… they’re going to take him away”

“They won’t sweetie. I’m here, they can’t take Nicky from you. I won’t let that happen… I promised you…”

“I’m scared daddy…” her eyes are drifting back up to the camera, sadness clearly written all over her face, showing how scared she is about loosing her beloved son. “You’re my daughter Sydney… you’re my smart little girl… you’re strong and we’ll fight against this.”

“But Nicky…”

“He’s your son Sydney… he’s part of you… and I love him just the same”

End Flashback

I try to forward the tape because this is too much for me to handle. How could they want to take the child away from Sydney? Only because she’s mentally *retarded*… I hate that word! It’s such a harsh word that so doesn’t fit with Sydney… She’s smarter, in her own unique way. There are things she could teach to the entire world about the meaning of love, of being a friend,… She takes everything for granted, just like children do. Everything is sort of a miracle.

The daily sunrise is for us normal people… just normal. To her, it’s the beauty of life… to be able to live the life and see the sunrise every morning with a brand new day to start. She smiles and gets up… all refreshed.

The flowers could be another example. A flower for me is just a flower. Sure they’re beautiful… they are gifts for my mother for her birthday, for mother’s day, for any kind of celebration that is coming. But not to Sydney. That’s why I know she’s good at taking care of flowers. Other people don’t treat them nice, the flowers aren’t watered, people forget about such things. Sydney wouldn’t! She says that flowers are alive and nobody should hurt them.

I could give thousand of examples why Sydney Bristow is so very special, not only to her father, but also to me by now. She makes me alive, she makes me realise that there other things more important in life than just work, women, drinks and sex.

There’s love… there are traditional moments, like Christmas, there’s her son… it feels so good to know that there are people in the world that love you. Who want you to come home at night and share dinner with you. I love when she kisses me hello… and her cheeks would blush up… Nicky would snicker in the background… that’s what I want! I can’t imagine my life without Sydney.

Still there’s this huge mess we have to sort out from this evening. Things in Sydney’s life aren’t just problems that go away with a drink or two. We still have a long way to go and I’ll have to put lots of effort into it if I want to make this work.

Part 16

A little while later I’m carrying Sydney to her bed, laying her carefully down onto the soft bed covers. She shifts lightly in my still embrace before I let loose of her. I thought she was going to wake up but I’ve been lucky once again.

I keep staring at her for another while, gathering my thoughts somewhat before I step out of the room. My feet bring me into Nicky’s bedroom but the little boy is tight asleep under his covers and I no longer want to disturb him and close the door behind me as I exit. The entire house is swept into a comfortable silence, except for the tape rewinding. I turn off the TV, lock the front door and join Sydney under the covers.

The night table light is on as I lay on my back, contemplating the white ceiling. I sigh briefly taking in all the things that happened today. It’s been a lot, that’s all I know. A lot for me, a lot for Sydney. I wonder how Nicky feels about this entire situation. At some point I’d think that he’s a little boy and everything would go unnoticed by him. But that’s not the case.

I’m sure that there are things that he’s aware about what is going on around him. I’m together with his mother now. It’s not only new for Sydney but also for him. She’s never been with any body else apart from me as far as I know. The only males Nicky actually knows about are his grandfather, Sydney’s boss Paul and myself.

I love that little guy… he’s Sydney’s and the birth I’ve seen a few minutes ago was just overwhelming. I try to imagine what it would have been like if I’d been next to Sydney that day, holding her hand.

The chances for that to happen were pretty slim. She was 19 back then… that’s six years ago. We have ten years of difference… Her father is already not too comfy about me dating his daughter now considering the age difference alone. Back then it would have been even worse I think. I’d have to stay away from her of a distance of at least 100 feet!

I turn my head sideways where Sydney is sleeping peacefully. How can anybody sleep so peaceful? I tend to get up at least twice a night and still if I get 6 hours of sleep that’s a lot! It’s 11pm and I know that she’s gone for the next seven hours at least…
My hand moves over to caress her cheeks lovingly, my thumb brushing her smooth skin. She starts moving. I don’t want to wake her and immediately lift my hand off her, afraid to wake her up from her dream. She sighs, mumbling something I don’t quite make out. She scoops closer to my side of the bed, her head coming to rest against my chest. The scent of her hair fills my nose at once. The sensation is so great that my eyes drift shut in order to enjoy the few seconds to the fullest.

“hmmm… no Michael” she mumbles with a soft whimper in between.

“Syd?” Thinking she’s awake but she’s not. A smile creeps up on my face. She’s adorable… and I can’t get over the fact that despite our argument this evening, she’s still willing to hold me… or I should say that I’m able to hold her.

She hides her head closer into my chest as she moans. I’m not sure whether it’s a moan or a whimper… it’s indistinguishable squeaking noise. She must be having a bad dream as I analyse her different features on her face.

Should I wake her up? Maybe it’s just good to let her be, probably she’ll be waking up anyway.

A couple minutes go by, but her agitation only gets bigger.

“Don’t go… please don’t go…”

I decide to fetch her out of this nightmare “Syd… hey… Syd… I’m here… I’m not going anywhere”

“Michael?” she finally opens her eyes as I’m shaking her lightly. Pain is clearly written all over her figure. Something has been troubling her the entire time in her sleep. It’s not because we’ve had an argument this evening that I’m leaving her… I think it would take much more than just that to push me away.

“I’m here Sydney… it’s ok… it was only a dream”

“Michael!” she exclaims this time, realising it has not been a dream and that I’m still with her, my arms protectively wrapped around her.


“I thought you were gone…”

“I was…” I tell her truthfully but my intention has never been to fully leave her, just to pace out and get things sorted out in my head “But I’m back now…” I say, kissing her nose. I know she likes that a lot. Then I lay another one onto her lips, pulling the lost strands of her hair out of her face to the back. “I’m not gonna leave you Sydney… I thought we had this conversation already once”

“Hmmm” she grumps and mumbles, hiding her face. “Just don’t go again… I… I’m sorry… I promise I’m working on it”

“No I’m sorry Sydney. You did nothing wrong… I’m just a little… you know… I have to work on it too”

“I’m happy you’re back”


“Hmmm” she mumbles and yawns at the same time, so I tell her to close her eyes again and get back to sleep. Feeling her body so close to mine… our body temperature warming up the bedcovers, it feels so cosy and comfortable that I don’t want to leave this place anymore. I wish we could stay like this for ever… maybe that would solve parts of our problems. But I know they won’t….


Aug 3, 2005
England, sheffield
aww that was really cute!! Vaughn must feel awful right now, i mean he is handeling it well, but knowing what to do after find out that someone you love has been raped has got tp be hard for him!! and poor syd i cant believe that someone would do that to her, it must be awful! im glad that michael came back and didnt stay away because she needs him alost as much, if not more than he needs her! :D
thanks for the PM
update soon :P


S/V Fanatic
Aug 14, 2005
SWEEET... 3 Chapters, that was awesome!!! I've missed this fic, even though they where sad updates, at least things where back on the right track at the end!! :D Awesome update cookie!!! (y) :D


I own Vaughn's holster
Mar 22, 2004
San Francisco, CA
Woo hooo!!! 3 chapters. That was so great. I'm glad that Michael went back to her house and is gonna fight for her. (y) Syd is just too stubborn. They are adorable! Great job. ;)


Jun 15, 2005
aww that was cute!! i like to see the different aspect of this fic, it not like most and i like that about it!!!
May 29, 2005
Los Angeles
Yay three amazing chapters, this is so good!!... I'm so glad he's back and they are trying to work things out.

Thanks for the pm. Can't wait for more.

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