Hi everyone!
This is my first fic, so please be indulgent
Title: Beginning again
This takes place in season 3
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Hope you like it.
Thanks to my wonderful beta Lucy!
Since I came back into this world, everyone seems so happy, no one is sad because of me anymore. Will has moved on, he has a job now, friends who don't have to lie to him every time they talk. Even though I know I caused him so much pain by killing Francie, he's not mad at me, at least he's not telling me. Everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault, but as much as I want to believe them, I don't.
If I hadn't been here, lying every single minute of my life to the people I claimed that I loved, if I hadn't be so blind, working for the ennemy of my country, killing people who didn't deserve it, everyone would still be happy. If I hadn't been here Danny would still be alive, Francie would still be alive, Will would still be doing the job he loved so much, without running away every time he's in danger. My dad could have brought down SD-6 without my help, I'm certain he was capable of it. Dixon would still be happy with Diane and their children wouldn't be alone without their mother.
I promised to myself that I would never kill a mother, no matter what, because I knew what it's like to grow up without a mother, and how much pain it is. But I broke this promise, it was just another lie, but I lied to myself. I destroyed a family, another one. Because of me, Dixon will never believe in me again, because of me he'll never look at me like a friend, a sister, but he'll see me like a traitress, and he's right. I betrayed everyone I know, even myself. How can I still live knowing that?
Since I came back I feel like I'm a stanger, not knowing people I used to work with, people I used to love. My friends are gone, my life is gone, my love is gone. Vaughn. How can I still live knowing that he's not mine anymore? He's Lauren's now. And she's his. I'm not a part of his life anymore, just another memory. This is what I am now: a memory. I'm a ghost of the past, I live in the past. The only thing I catch on to is to find out what happened to me during these two years. But I'm wondering if I really want to find it out. Because if I do, I won't have anything to catch on to, no one will be here for me. Even if Weiss or my dad help me today, will they still be here tomorrow? After all they help me but I don't give them anything back. They can't hold me back from falling for ever. One day or the other I'll fall, and then there'll be no one to catch me. And then everyone will be happy again, like they were since I've been missing. If I hadn't coming back, Vaughn would still be happy with Lauren, my dad wouldn't risk his life everyday for me, Weiss may have meet someone instead of staying at my place, felling sorry with me, drinking like a fish. Life would be simple if I wasn't here, the world would be perfect without me in here.
But I'm here, I'm back, destructing everyone's perfect little life when I came back. And I have to face another day. It's been almost 6 months since I came back, and now I'm a slave to routine, and I like it. I don't wan't another change in my life, I'm tired of changes, I just want a normal life, or at least as normal as possible.
As I'm stuck in traffic I'm wondering how many time I'll be able to do this, going to work, pretending everything's fine. Working with people who I'm certain want me to return where I was during this two years, letting them living their life. But as much as I want this to, I can't, not now. Maybe after I'll disapear again, but this time I won't come back, ever.
I'm late again, tired by a sleepless night. I look horrible, but I don't mind, no one's looking at me, not even Vaughn. I think this is the worst part of my life now: walking around with this fake smile, not showing that I'm dying inside, because I can't come home with him after work, I can't lay on him like I used to do, I can't cry on his shoulder anymore, I can't sleep in his arms anymore, he doesn't wake me up with sweet kisses anymore. This is a memory too, I live in the past day and night.
Weiss told me once that Vaughn miss me like I miss him, but I don't believe him. If it was true then we wouldn't be avoiding each other like we do, we wouldn't look like stangers. We're not even friends, after all we've been through, we're not capable of being friends, and this because this stupid gold ring on his left hand. He should have married me, not her. It's not fair, after everything we've been fighting to be together, I've lost him all over again. Life isn't fair. Not with me. Maybe I deserve it after all, maybe this is the price I've to pay for being Irina Derevko daughter's, the daughter of the woman who killed the father of the man I love. Since the beginning we weren't meant to be together. I just have to look at our families' history. I should have known that. How stupid I've been, beliving that one day we could be happy together.
Now I do my job, like a robot, I do the same things every days, and I like it.
But today is not like every day, today Vaughn and Lauren have a fight in the middle of the Rotunda. Every one is looking at them, but they don't care. They are yelling at each other without noticing everyone's around them. Weiss spot me and come by my side.
" It's the beggining of the end.
- What do you mean?
- It's a good two months since they're fighting like that. But it's the first time they're doing this at work.
- How do you know that?
- Hey! Vaughn's my friend you know, we're talking sometimes.
- Yeah I know, sorry.
- Sorry for what?
- I don't know. I was thinking that like you spend a lot of time with me...
- I can be friend with you and Vaughn at the same time, it's not because you're not friends anymore that I'm here for both of you.
- What did you tell Vaughn about his marriage lately, if you don't mind me asking.
- Well, since you came back, he's no the same.
- Since I came back everything is upside down.
- No! Don't think that way.He told me once that he'll always love you, no matter what, and even if you were...missing, he could never love someone like he loved you, that Lauren was more like a good friend who help him to move on. But when he learn that you were alive, before traveling all around the world for you, he told me that he shouldn't have married Lauren, that he should have believe in you, until death.
- But he lost faith.
- He was lost, Syd. He still believe in you, and in your love, but he's stuck in this loveless marriage. He's a man of duty, that's the only reason why he stay with her, instead of running to you.
- That's what he told you, but he could have divorce if he wants that much to be with me.
- That's not that simple!
- Yes it is! Weiss I know that it's not your fault, you're in the middle of this and I'm sorry for that, but don't try to repair what can't be.
- It can be, it's not broken, just spoiled.
- Listen, thank you for trying, but just stay away from this, this is between me and him, I don't want you to suffer because of this. Now excuse-me, but I have work to do."
I walk away from him, the only person who try to help me, I push him away. I know he just wanna help me, us, but it's not healthy for him. He help me a lot, but I can't take the liberty letting him suffer because of this, us. But 'us' doesn't exist anymore, it's a memory too. Everything's a memory for me. But I live in olds memories, because I can't remember what happen to me during the past two years. Two years. A lot must've happen to me, to everyone. I can learn what happen when I wasn't here by asking Weiss, or my dad, or Marshall. He's the one who who behave toward me like if I hadn't disapear. He's a family now, I'm happy for him, he deserve to be happy. He's a great guy, and I like him a lot. He's one of my older friends, and he still believe in me, even after everything he's been through because of me.He's the exeption that prove the rule: nothing will ever be like it used to be.
The following days were like this, anoying days of work, but one thing made the days a little better than they were: Vaughn and Lauren are fighting more and more often, not only at their home, but at work, in the parking garage, in restaurants. And I know I shouldn't be happy because it's not good, but it is very good one for me. I know Vaughn is suffering because if this, I can see it in his eyes. They're not made of this green I used to be lost in, but they're gray, black, sad. Nothing is like before, not even this little things. I'm sad for him, that he has to go through this, but I'm also happy, because that means that maybe one day he and Lauren won't be together anymore, that one day he'll be alone, and maybe one day we can be friends again, maybe more than friends. I know we have to give time to time, but I hope that one day we could be happy like we used to be. Maybe not so innocent, maybe we won't take things granted anymore, maybe we'll enjoy every single moment we can have together. But today I'm still alone, sitting on my couch, dreaming of a future that maybe will never exist. But this is all I have now, dreams, hope that the future will be happier than the present.I have to stop daydreaming because I didn't hear my phone ringing, and now Weiss is at my door.
"Hey, where were you? I called you, but you didn't answer."
"I was taking a shower." I know he doesn't believe me, my cheeks must be wet, my eyes red, but I don't care. All I want right now is to be alone. "I don't wanna talk tonight, Weiss."
" Okay, but at least listen to what I have to tell you." I let him inside, and sit near him on the couch. I don't even think to offer him something to drink. "It's Vaughn..."
Suddendly I'm breathless, what will I do if Vaughn is not here anymore? I can't live without him, even if we're not even friends. I need to see his green eyes, his cute grin, to heard him laugh at the not funny Weiss' jokes.
" What happened? Is he okay? Where is he?"
"Relax, he's okay. He's at my place."
"Why?", I asked, but I already know the answer, at least i hope this is what i'm hoping since i'm back.
"Lauren and he are separating." All I want to do is jump up and down, go right to see him and tell him how much I love him, to feel his arms all around me like before, his soft lips against mine. But I stay calm and listen to Weiss.
"You know they were fighting a lot these past weeks, and today was the final fight, if you want to call it that. Vaughn just took a bag and came to my place.
"You mean he just walked away? "
"He said he doesn't want to stay at their house anymore, so he came here."
"He's gonna live with you? "
"Yes, just the time to find a new place to live."
"How does he feel?"
"How do you think he feels? He was exhausted, so he took the couch and fall asleep. We haven't talk yet." Suddenly I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to feel. Should I be happy? Sad for him? Should I go and talk to him or not? There are so many questions, I'm lost. Everything was so simple before, and now I don't know how to behave with him anymore.
"Syd, now you and he have to start to heal."
" I'm alright, Weiss!"
"No, you're not. I can see it, Syd. I know you, and since you've been back you've not happy, you're lost. I just hope that this will help you feel better."
"How can I feel better? Vaughn's life is upside down because of me. If I didn't..."
"Don't say that Syd! Since you've been back Vaughn's happier. Maybe you can't see it, but I can. I've known both of you for years, and don't deny that there's always this thing when you're in the same room. And it still exists, even if both of you deny it, I can see it, everyone does. Ask anyone you want, even your fathe says it's obvious." After no response he continued, "Of course this will take time, but both of you deseve to be happy, and now nothing can prevent that. You both have to realise that you're mean for him, and he's meant for you. And then you will be the happiest couple in the world.
"How can you be sure of that?"
"Because everyone knows that, exept the two people it concerns."
"What do I do now?"
"Go to sleep, and think about it. But wathever you do, just know that I'll be always be here you, never forget that."
"Thank you, Weiss. You're a really great friend, you know?"
"Of course I am!"
We both laugh, it's been a while seen i've laughed. It's good, I'm feeling alive again. What would I do without him? He always know what to say to make me feel better, happier. I hug him, thank him again for coming and let him go to bed. He need to sleep, and so do I. I fall on my bed, thinking that it would be best to sleep on it.
Please R/R!
Scialet ^_^
This is my first fic, so please be indulgent
Title: Beginning again
This takes place in season 3
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Hope you like it.
Thanks to my wonderful beta Lucy!
Since I came back into this world, everyone seems so happy, no one is sad because of me anymore. Will has moved on, he has a job now, friends who don't have to lie to him every time they talk. Even though I know I caused him so much pain by killing Francie, he's not mad at me, at least he's not telling me. Everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault, but as much as I want to believe them, I don't.
If I hadn't been here, lying every single minute of my life to the people I claimed that I loved, if I hadn't be so blind, working for the ennemy of my country, killing people who didn't deserve it, everyone would still be happy. If I hadn't been here Danny would still be alive, Francie would still be alive, Will would still be doing the job he loved so much, without running away every time he's in danger. My dad could have brought down SD-6 without my help, I'm certain he was capable of it. Dixon would still be happy with Diane and their children wouldn't be alone without their mother.
I promised to myself that I would never kill a mother, no matter what, because I knew what it's like to grow up without a mother, and how much pain it is. But I broke this promise, it was just another lie, but I lied to myself. I destroyed a family, another one. Because of me, Dixon will never believe in me again, because of me he'll never look at me like a friend, a sister, but he'll see me like a traitress, and he's right. I betrayed everyone I know, even myself. How can I still live knowing that?
Since I came back I feel like I'm a stanger, not knowing people I used to work with, people I used to love. My friends are gone, my life is gone, my love is gone. Vaughn. How can I still live knowing that he's not mine anymore? He's Lauren's now. And she's his. I'm not a part of his life anymore, just another memory. This is what I am now: a memory. I'm a ghost of the past, I live in the past. The only thing I catch on to is to find out what happened to me during these two years. But I'm wondering if I really want to find it out. Because if I do, I won't have anything to catch on to, no one will be here for me. Even if Weiss or my dad help me today, will they still be here tomorrow? After all they help me but I don't give them anything back. They can't hold me back from falling for ever. One day or the other I'll fall, and then there'll be no one to catch me. And then everyone will be happy again, like they were since I've been missing. If I hadn't coming back, Vaughn would still be happy with Lauren, my dad wouldn't risk his life everyday for me, Weiss may have meet someone instead of staying at my place, felling sorry with me, drinking like a fish. Life would be simple if I wasn't here, the world would be perfect without me in here.
But I'm here, I'm back, destructing everyone's perfect little life when I came back. And I have to face another day. It's been almost 6 months since I came back, and now I'm a slave to routine, and I like it. I don't wan't another change in my life, I'm tired of changes, I just want a normal life, or at least as normal as possible.
As I'm stuck in traffic I'm wondering how many time I'll be able to do this, going to work, pretending everything's fine. Working with people who I'm certain want me to return where I was during this two years, letting them living their life. But as much as I want this to, I can't, not now. Maybe after I'll disapear again, but this time I won't come back, ever.
I'm late again, tired by a sleepless night. I look horrible, but I don't mind, no one's looking at me, not even Vaughn. I think this is the worst part of my life now: walking around with this fake smile, not showing that I'm dying inside, because I can't come home with him after work, I can't lay on him like I used to do, I can't cry on his shoulder anymore, I can't sleep in his arms anymore, he doesn't wake me up with sweet kisses anymore. This is a memory too, I live in the past day and night.
Weiss told me once that Vaughn miss me like I miss him, but I don't believe him. If it was true then we wouldn't be avoiding each other like we do, we wouldn't look like stangers. We're not even friends, after all we've been through, we're not capable of being friends, and this because this stupid gold ring on his left hand. He should have married me, not her. It's not fair, after everything we've been fighting to be together, I've lost him all over again. Life isn't fair. Not with me. Maybe I deserve it after all, maybe this is the price I've to pay for being Irina Derevko daughter's, the daughter of the woman who killed the father of the man I love. Since the beginning we weren't meant to be together. I just have to look at our families' history. I should have known that. How stupid I've been, beliving that one day we could be happy together.
Now I do my job, like a robot, I do the same things every days, and I like it.
But today is not like every day, today Vaughn and Lauren have a fight in the middle of the Rotunda. Every one is looking at them, but they don't care. They are yelling at each other without noticing everyone's around them. Weiss spot me and come by my side.
" It's the beggining of the end.
- What do you mean?
- It's a good two months since they're fighting like that. But it's the first time they're doing this at work.
- How do you know that?
- Hey! Vaughn's my friend you know, we're talking sometimes.
- Yeah I know, sorry.
- Sorry for what?
- I don't know. I was thinking that like you spend a lot of time with me...
- I can be friend with you and Vaughn at the same time, it's not because you're not friends anymore that I'm here for both of you.
- What did you tell Vaughn about his marriage lately, if you don't mind me asking.
- Well, since you came back, he's no the same.
- Since I came back everything is upside down.
- No! Don't think that way.He told me once that he'll always love you, no matter what, and even if you were...missing, he could never love someone like he loved you, that Lauren was more like a good friend who help him to move on. But when he learn that you were alive, before traveling all around the world for you, he told me that he shouldn't have married Lauren, that he should have believe in you, until death.
- But he lost faith.
- He was lost, Syd. He still believe in you, and in your love, but he's stuck in this loveless marriage. He's a man of duty, that's the only reason why he stay with her, instead of running to you.
- That's what he told you, but he could have divorce if he wants that much to be with me.
- That's not that simple!
- Yes it is! Weiss I know that it's not your fault, you're in the middle of this and I'm sorry for that, but don't try to repair what can't be.
- It can be, it's not broken, just spoiled.
- Listen, thank you for trying, but just stay away from this, this is between me and him, I don't want you to suffer because of this. Now excuse-me, but I have work to do."
I walk away from him, the only person who try to help me, I push him away. I know he just wanna help me, us, but it's not healthy for him. He help me a lot, but I can't take the liberty letting him suffer because of this, us. But 'us' doesn't exist anymore, it's a memory too. Everything's a memory for me. But I live in olds memories, because I can't remember what happen to me during the past two years. Two years. A lot must've happen to me, to everyone. I can learn what happen when I wasn't here by asking Weiss, or my dad, or Marshall. He's the one who who behave toward me like if I hadn't disapear. He's a family now, I'm happy for him, he deserve to be happy. He's a great guy, and I like him a lot. He's one of my older friends, and he still believe in me, even after everything he's been through because of me.He's the exeption that prove the rule: nothing will ever be like it used to be.
The following days were like this, anoying days of work, but one thing made the days a little better than they were: Vaughn and Lauren are fighting more and more often, not only at their home, but at work, in the parking garage, in restaurants. And I know I shouldn't be happy because it's not good, but it is very good one for me. I know Vaughn is suffering because if this, I can see it in his eyes. They're not made of this green I used to be lost in, but they're gray, black, sad. Nothing is like before, not even this little things. I'm sad for him, that he has to go through this, but I'm also happy, because that means that maybe one day he and Lauren won't be together anymore, that one day he'll be alone, and maybe one day we can be friends again, maybe more than friends. I know we have to give time to time, but I hope that one day we could be happy like we used to be. Maybe not so innocent, maybe we won't take things granted anymore, maybe we'll enjoy every single moment we can have together. But today I'm still alone, sitting on my couch, dreaming of a future that maybe will never exist. But this is all I have now, dreams, hope that the future will be happier than the present.I have to stop daydreaming because I didn't hear my phone ringing, and now Weiss is at my door.
"Hey, where were you? I called you, but you didn't answer."
"I was taking a shower." I know he doesn't believe me, my cheeks must be wet, my eyes red, but I don't care. All I want right now is to be alone. "I don't wanna talk tonight, Weiss."
" Okay, but at least listen to what I have to tell you." I let him inside, and sit near him on the couch. I don't even think to offer him something to drink. "It's Vaughn..."
Suddendly I'm breathless, what will I do if Vaughn is not here anymore? I can't live without him, even if we're not even friends. I need to see his green eyes, his cute grin, to heard him laugh at the not funny Weiss' jokes.
" What happened? Is he okay? Where is he?"
"Relax, he's okay. He's at my place."
"Why?", I asked, but I already know the answer, at least i hope this is what i'm hoping since i'm back.
"Lauren and he are separating." All I want to do is jump up and down, go right to see him and tell him how much I love him, to feel his arms all around me like before, his soft lips against mine. But I stay calm and listen to Weiss.
"You know they were fighting a lot these past weeks, and today was the final fight, if you want to call it that. Vaughn just took a bag and came to my place.
"You mean he just walked away? "
"He said he doesn't want to stay at their house anymore, so he came here."
"He's gonna live with you? "
"Yes, just the time to find a new place to live."
"How does he feel?"
"How do you think he feels? He was exhausted, so he took the couch and fall asleep. We haven't talk yet." Suddenly I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to feel. Should I be happy? Sad for him? Should I go and talk to him or not? There are so many questions, I'm lost. Everything was so simple before, and now I don't know how to behave with him anymore.
"Syd, now you and he have to start to heal."
" I'm alright, Weiss!"
"No, you're not. I can see it, Syd. I know you, and since you've been back you've not happy, you're lost. I just hope that this will help you feel better."
"How can I feel better? Vaughn's life is upside down because of me. If I didn't..."
"Don't say that Syd! Since you've been back Vaughn's happier. Maybe you can't see it, but I can. I've known both of you for years, and don't deny that there's always this thing when you're in the same room. And it still exists, even if both of you deny it, I can see it, everyone does. Ask anyone you want, even your fathe says it's obvious." After no response he continued, "Of course this will take time, but both of you deseve to be happy, and now nothing can prevent that. You both have to realise that you're mean for him, and he's meant for you. And then you will be the happiest couple in the world.
"How can you be sure of that?"
"Because everyone knows that, exept the two people it concerns."
"What do I do now?"
"Go to sleep, and think about it. But wathever you do, just know that I'll be always be here you, never forget that."
"Thank you, Weiss. You're a really great friend, you know?"
"Of course I am!"
We both laugh, it's been a while seen i've laughed. It's good, I'm feeling alive again. What would I do without him? He always know what to say to make me feel better, happier. I hug him, thank him again for coming and let him go to bed. He need to sleep, and so do I. I fall on my bed, thinking that it would be best to sleep on it.
Please R/R!
Scialet ^_^
