"Guess What?"

“Of course I planted a bug on Alice. It was logical, effective. Why not?” Jack shrugged like bugging loved ones was no big deal. 
love jack so shameless :P

Vaughn stared at him, then shrugged internally as well. Of course, to Jack Bristow planting a bug on the girlfriend of his daughter’s non-boyfriend to ascertain the status of the relationship between that girlfriend and the boyfriend he thought was probably that girlfriends’ non-boyfriend in the real sense of the word
WHAT!?

Weiss nodded, “Solely to get you so tired you’d fall asleep on her couch, since we all know you weren’t going to bed---“
aw so sad


“Someone named Sid?” Irina asked, beginning to smile. “Jack, this is so twisted. I love it! It has your imprint all over it---“
hahah awsome

“Vaughn, meet your good friend, Sid.” Weiss gestured toward Jack.

Sydney broke into hysterical laughter and gasped out, “That’s why she asked if you were gay? She met my father and thought he was---thought HE was gay? Thought Vaughn was gay? Boy, she doesn’t have good gaydar, does she?”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA :rotflmao:
omg im like crying from laughter

“I don’t know. Just plain stubborn? Or the biggest tease, what’s that American expression? And the male equivalent would be a ---” Irina asked slyly.  Jack slammed a hand over her mouth. Sydney stopped laughing. This was way too much information. She glared at her mother. Irina bit Jack’s hand and he removed it, glaring at her.

Irina mumbled, “Oh, sorry. Forgot you Americans are so prudish. Hard to believe it of you Sydney, being Jack’s daughter and all, but..…”
omg jack! whoa now!!!!!!!! hahah
i love how irina keeps askin for the russian translation


"And so she saw me and of course, I had to stop and introduce your good friend, Sid, here to Alice,” Weiss explained.
oh.my.god - they're so bad!

We had trouble, my friend, right here in Spy City! Drastic measures were needed, my friend, drastic!
hahah i bet!


"Oh, I reached over and planted one on Jack." Weiss said casually.
OMGOMGOMGOMG :rotflmao: omg i cant breath im laughin so hard - OMG IM CRYING hahahahah omg!!!!!!!!!!!!


"It was quick. Just a peck.  No tongue or anything,” Weiss was quick to explain.

Jack held up his hand. “Yes, let’s make that perfectly clear.”
omg so not a mental image i needed


"Mr. Happy?" Irina laughed. "Now there's a new euphemism for...Ooomph!" She halted when Jack squeezed her arm.
*snorts* :lol:

when’s the last time you really----"
yeah jack really needs to get some :naughty:


"I had the biggest glass of Scotch I've had since, oh, I don't know, since Sydney figured out that you were alive," Jack said.

“Ha,  ha, Jack. Very funny,”  Irina sniffed and pulled her arm away from Jack.
haha

AH omg i cannto wait for more
seriously thats the hardest ive laughed in along long tiem!!!!!!!
 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
omv that certainly made my day...
weiss kissing jack...::shivers::....::starts laughing hysterically::
cant wait for more
thanks for the pm

Tanya :beret:
 
OMG! You are SERIOUSLY killing me here!!!! I think this is the funniest piece of fiction I have EVER had the pleasure to read! I really cannot wait for the next update!!!!
 
Next to last update:

Chapter 32:: In which an avalanche of alliteration ensues and we learn that Weiss just isn’t Jack’s type. In case you were wondering.

Weiss laughed, “Actually, the best part was watching Jack try to hold in the laughter. Poor Alice. She must have thought not only that Vaughn was cheating on her with a man, but that the man in question had fits on the street as well. I was relieved when she left, because I was getting afraid that Jack was going to give himself a hernia from holding in the laughter. Who knew a kiss from me could break Jack’s rules against loosening up around junior agents and inspire a laughing fit?”

“Jack, I still can’t believe you let him do that!” Irina looked like she didn’t know whether to be horrified or just giggle. And with that thought, Weiss stared at her. Irina giggle? Hmm.

“Well, Weiss isn’t my type, but it didn’t kill me.” Jack said dryly.

Now Irina really did giggle, along with Syd. Irina looked up at Jack and began laughing even harder, mumbling in gasps, “Not your type,” until she reached out a hand and grabbed Jack’s arm to steady herself. Jack put his arm around Irina and smiled down at her. Then he realized what he’d done and pulled his arm away so fast Irina nearly stumbled.

Vaughn stared at the two of them in astonishment, his mind still reeling from the notion of Weiss planting a wet one on Jack. And living to tell the tale. Although, he thought it could not have been a wet one, Weiss really would not have been alive if that were the case. And, by all that was holy, why was he thinking about this topic, still? Yuck. Think about something, anything else……

“Wait a minute –,” Vaughn began, “Alice thinks I am in some kind of three way relationship with Weiss and Jack.” Argh. He would never be able to hang out with any of their mutual friends again. He looked at Jack and asked, “So, for hurting your little girl? My friends will all think….” Vaughn watched Jack nod smugly. Vaughn sighed, “Payback. It’s a b****?”

Jack nodded.

Weiss rolled his eyes and asked in a tone of false hurt, “Jack, I have to ask. Why am I not your type? Is it because I’m roly poly?”

Syd cracked up, “Are we back on that topic again? Mom, you really need to tell him you were kidding.”

“Of course, I was kidding, Agent Weiss. You’re….. cute and funny. Sweet. Cuddly. Like a teddy bear.” Weiss groaned and shot a look at Sydney, while Irina continued, “Those are good qualities, you know. Lots of women want just that. I think you haven’t been paying attention to the right women if you don’t have a girlfriend. And clearly roly-poly was a joke. After all, I would never say something that negative if I really meant it. I have my limits, after all.”

Jack burst into laughter. Irina stared at him in annoyance. Everyone else stared at him in shock. Jack Bristow was laughing. Again? They were in an alternate universe. Jack stopped to gasp out, “That’s good. More dating advice from Irina Derevko, the Dear Abby of the KGB. And what’s this? You have limits? You hesitate at calling someone roly poly but shooting him in the neck – that’s no big deal?”

“That’s exactly what I mean, Jack," Irina said, as she put her hands on her hips. "You know how devastating words can be. You’re the king of the derogatory, derisive, distrustful, disdainful, disturbing comment.”

Good hit. Jack sobered up at that comment. Vaughn nodded in agreement with Irina, surely yet another sign that the apocalypse was nigh. Sydney poked Vaughn with one of those pointy elbows. Weiss thought, yeah, Vaughn should avoid antagonizing Jack for a little while anyway.

Then Weiss realized what Irina had said and groaned, “Not more alliteration.” He stopped, thinking that genetics was indeed a funny thing, wasn’t it? He glanced at Jack, who had a fleeting look of bemusement on his face as he looked from Irina to Syd. Weiss looked sharply at Syd, who had apparently not noticed the alliteration, being busy trying to keep her boyfriend alive.

“What was that -- derogatory, derisive, distrustful, disdainful, disturbing? A page from Roget’s Thesaurus?” Jack asked sarcastically. Then continued, “Oh, wait. What is the equivalent book in Russian? I mean, after all, aren’t you always thinking in Russian?”

Ooh, good hit. Weiss watched Irina begin to grind her teeth.

“You idiot. The words would not be the same in Russian! They wouldn’t start with the same letters, so the alliteration wouldn’t work!” At that Syd looked up. Irina continued, “You want to know what I’m thinking in Russian? I’ll tell you, you---“ And she let loose a torrent of words, to which Jack replied in the same language.

The three younger people watched Irina and Jack sling words back and forth like volleys in a tennis match.

Vaughn whispered to Sydney, “I forgot how fluent your father is. So, this is one of their little games? Wow, looks like tons of fun,” he said sarcastically. Then asked curiously, “Do you know what they are saying?”

“The question is,” Sydney muttered, “Do I want to know?” Then she winced at a particularly pointed comment from her father that made her mother’s face turn red. She shot something back so rapidly that Sydney could not translate it.

The speed of what were clearly insults increased again and again, until Irina stopped to say in English to her daughter, “You see, Sydney, this is what happens when you don’t practice a language often enough. Your father is having trouble with this one consonant combination—“

“Arggh! Are you criticizing my Russian now?” Jack demanded, leaning forward.

“Yes!” Irina poked her finger in Jack’s shoulder.

“Oh, really, Irina? Say the word s-a-b-o-t-a-g-e for me, will you?" Jack smirked, crossing his arms across his chest. "No one on the North American continent says it the way you do!”

“I can say it correctly if I want to.” Irina crossed her arms over her chest and sighed when she realized that Jack was aggravated enough that he didn't seem to notice what it did for her bustline.

“No, you can’t.” Jack shot back. “If you had ever said that word that way in the time we were together, the jig would have been up!”

“No, it wouldn’t!” Irina countered, ignoring as did Jack the fact that there was anyone else in the room.

“Mom, Dad! SHUT UP!” Sydney yelled. “You’re acting like five year olds. I’m expecting you to stick out your tongues at each other any minute, for crying out loud.”

“Tongues? Donwannaknow…” Weiss choked. Vaughn pounded him on the back and the two men turned away to hide their amusement.

“Fine,” Jack and Irina said in unison, both breathing heavily.

Jack spoke first, point a finger at Irina, “And I don’t want to hear another poop out of you tonight.”

Irina turned to Sydney and murmured, “I think he means ‘peep out of me.’ You see, Jack, you’ve even lost your ability to speak English at this point, let alone Russian. This is what happens when one allows oneself to become too…... agitated, too stressed, too…..frustrated. Especially when alleviation is so close at hand.”

Vaughn and Weiss both began to laugh, but at a pointed glare from Jack, coughed and stared at the ceiling.. Sydney decided she would just pretend to ignore the whole incident and the subsequent conversation in Russian between her parents about just who was…. Don’t need to know this, don’t need to know this, don’t need---

Jack started to speak and then stopped. He thought for a moment and then spoke, clearly deciding to continue the original conversation as if the Russian tennis match and innuendo-laden interlude had not happened. “Please, Irina. When have I ever hurt you with my words? And, anyway, words as weapons? Please. I mean it’s not like being electrocuted or shot or poisoned or I. Don’t. Know, stabbed in the back.”

Silence fell. Truth often did that, Sydney thought, just killed the conversation. Something to avoid at dinner parties, to be sure. She looked at Weiss desperately. He rose to the occasion; you could always count on Weiss to have something to say, after all.

“True,” Weiss agreed, “Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes.”

“Um, Weiss, how do you know the words to that Cher song, ‘Turn Back Time’?” Sydney asked with a smirk of her own. “Should I start to look among my male friends for a date for you?”

“Oh, my god.” Weiss rubbed his arms. “How did I know that? Maybe I need to go see Barnett? Maybe this long run without a girlfriend is screwing me up? Although maybe that’s a good title given the situation here. Maybe, but why did I remember it? And……”

“Shut up, Weiss,” Jack relaxed and chuckled. “We heard it in that bar. Songs get stuck in one’s head. Doesn’t mean anything. You’re babbling again. Your masculinity is still intact. Or as intact as it ever was.”

Vaughn asked, “I hate to break up this little conference on human sexuality, but will someone tell us what’s in the other box? In case we’ve all lost track, the first one had Weiss’ apparently well-deserved recommendation, the second has a tape of Weiss and Jack’s game strategy, which I’m starting to think deserves to be on the curriculum at spy school—“

“Spy school?” both Jack and Irina echoed.

“A joke?” Vaughn sighed. “But the third box, what’s in that?”

Weiss and Irina stared at Jack, who straightened his tie and said quietly, “That’s from me to Syd. Maybe she could open it later.”

“Oh no!” Irina exclaimed. “Now, this has been going on long enough. It’s going to stop right now. You’re not going to avoid this. You did this all for her. Show her. Jack give her the key. Sydney open the box.”

TBC
 
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i had this whole long post with all kinds of quotes but the stupid site crashed and it got lost!!! GRRRR

anyway im very sad this is the second to last chapter but i LOVED IT

vaughn, weiss, jack in a threeway relationship :rotflmao:
 
HAHAHA
That was hilarious
And Irina man, she dishes it out well!
I would never want to be in an argument with her
She would make me look like a fool!
Thanks for the PM
Update again soon please!
 
HAHA! That was AWESOME! OMG!
I still cant get over the Weiss/Jack thing....and now the Vaughn/Weiss/Jack thing!
OMG....ok....I wanna know whats in that box....well acutaly, do i? How bout you just tell me and ill tell you if i wanna know! hehe
but i dont want it to be the last chapter! maybe you could write a sequel? PREETTTY PLEEEEEASE?
Well thanks for the Pm, and PLEASE update soon!
 
hehe weiss isnt jacks type? :lol: and wonder whats in the third box?? :woot: cant wait for the next chappy!

Cai
:miniflower:
 
Fantastic! Love the argument between Jack and Irina...why o' why could we not see stuff like that on the actual show?!

Can't wait to see what's in the box!
 
Thanks so much for reading this story! I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I've enjoyed my first experience posting here. Best wishes for a wonderful New Year to you all!

Last update:

Chapter 33:: In which we finally circle around to the beginning.

Slowly, Jack extended a small key to his daughter. With a curious look Sydney took it and opened the box. Raising the lid she looked inside and then stopped. With a glance at her father, she reached her hand in and pulled out a small plastic Little Mermaid caketopper of Ariel and Prince Eric in wedding attire. For a long moment she just stared at it. Her eyes began to fill.

“Oh, Dad,” Sydney choked out, “This is from my birthday party all those years ago. How, where?”

When Jack did not answer, just looked down at the floor, Weiss responded quietly, “It’s from the Sydney shrine in his house, Syd.”

Jack hissed, “Weiss…”

“Dad? I---“ Sydney began.

When no one said anything, Irina rolled her eyes and softly urged Sydney, “I think there’s something else in the box. What is it?”

“Oh. Let me see,” Sydney handed the caketopper to Vaughn and reached back into the box. She pulled out what looked like a map. “Oh. It’s a map. Wait! It’s just like all those scavenger hunt maps from my parties. That you made up,” she said slowly staring at her father. Looking back down at the map, she narrowed her eyes. “This is of Maui, basically, although the starting and ending points are here in LA. And what’s this, at the end? Oh, look, Vaughn. It’s a tiny little photo of the two of us from that restaurant in Nice! I knew that waiter was one of your contacts, Dad, I knew it! Or was it the busboy? I bet it was the busboy.”

Jack smiled slightly, while Vaughn glared at him.

Weiss muttered to Vaughn, “Given how it turned out once you took the wire out, you want to make an issue out of Jack’s overprotectiveness?”

“Oh. Good point,” Vaughn whispered.

“Besides,” Weiss continued, “This is not about you anyway. This is about a father’s love for his daughter.”

“So, daughter?” Irina said, “You get the point, since your father appears tongue-tied? For once? He did all this for you, to give you what you wanted, what you needed. At the end of the scavenger hunt, at the end of the search of a lifetime, guess what? You and Vaughn found each other.”

[Everyone here can say, “Awww” in unison.]

“Oh, Daddy, I---“ Sydney whispered, looking at her father with tear-filled eyes. Jack stared back at her, but neither said anything more or moved.

Suddenly Irina hissed at Jack, “Go ahead. Do it already.”

Both Weiss and Vaughn stiffened. Irina laughed at their caution. “No, you fools. Jack isn’t going to do anything to either of you—“

“At this time,” Jack corrected.

“Of course, you may change your mind later, as the need arises, Jack…” Irina smiled as Vaughn and Weiss looked at each other nervously. “But right now, I just want you to go ahead and do what you want. What you’ve wanted to do ever since the kids came into the cell, what you started to do and then lost courage to do--”

“Shut UP,” Jack hissed.

“You can’t make me,” Irina hissed back.

Jack arched an eyebrow.

Irina coughed lightly and smiled. “Maybe you could, but not right now. Just go ahead and hug your daughter, give her a kiss, tell her you love her. That’s what you want to do anyway.”

Sydney stared in shock and asked, “Daddy?” No one moved.

Irina rolled her eyes and urged, “Sydney, come over here. Your father is paralyzed by fright. Ridiculous. He’s utterly cool when someone threatens to attach electrodes to his body, throws a knife at him, aims a gun, but when it comes to letting you know, showing you that he loves you, he’d rather plan elaborate game theory than try just a simple hug. For once, Jack Bristow chokes on assignment.”

Jack and Sydney stared at each other. Finally, Vaughn gave Sydney a push and Irina elbowed Jack. Weiss looked on happily as Jack and Sydney met in the middle of the room and embraced.

“Honey, everything is truly okay? Are you---“ Jack began and then stopped.

Weiss rolled his eyes. “Happy! He wants to know if you are happy!”

Cupping her father’s face in one hand, Sydney reached up and gave him a kiss. She realized belatedly, that was the first kiss she had given him in decades. Giving him another squeeze, she said softly, “Yes. I’m happy. Thanks to you.”

Jack looked over at Vaughn and intoned, “And she’d better stay that way. Or--”

“Oh, Dad, c’mon. We all know you like Vaughn,” Sydney laughed.

“And that’s what scares me,” Vaughn muttered.

Sydney rolled her eyes. Then she dropped her voice and whispered to her father, “Don’t you think you ought to join me in thanking Mom? I mean, she did…”

“Sydney..” Jack said in a warning tone, “I don’t want to ruin the moment, but please don’t ask me to---“ He broke off and stared at his wife.

“Jack, I…” Irina began, staring back.

“You know, you always say that, ‘Jack, I….’ When do you intend to finish the sentence, Irina?” Jack accused and released Sydney after giving her one last hug.

To everyone’s complete lack of astonishment, Weiss entered the fray. “Yeah, Irina. I mean, Mrs. Bristow, I mean Ms. Derevko. I have a question for you about--” Weiss stopped at the deadly glares from Irina and Jack, but didn’t back down, just scuttled sideways, Syd thought. Like Sebastian. She choked back a giggle as Weiss said, trying to cover himself, “Speaking Russian, I need some pointers.”

Vaughn whispered to Syd, “Weiss is filled with foolish confidence after this last mission, isn’t he?” Sydney nodded, waiting for the next installment in wide-eyed shock. She didn’t have long to wait. This was Weiss, they were talking about.

He suggested, “Jack, why don’t you go talk to Syd and Vaughn for a minute?” He waited. Jack didn’t move. “Jack, I could kiss you again. Don’t want to, but I could. Wouldn’t kill me, after all and—“

“Ugh. I’m leaving now!” Jack exclaimed and stepped away. To Syd and Vaughn, he said, “I need to get something from my briefcase, then I’ll be right back. Don’t let Weiss get too cozy with your mother. I don’t know what he’s thinking but…Irina and Weiss? That’s a scary combination if I ever saw one.” He stalked out the door to the cell.

Syd called out, “What did you need, anyway?”

“A Tylenol and an antacid. Or maybe go straight to Percocet. I’m sure I have some of those in my briefcase, too. If not, I’ll just give a call to…,” Jack grumbled.

In the quiet left in Jack’s departure, they could all hear Weiss’ brain humming. Syd and Vaughn exchanged looks of alarm. “Oh no, Weiss, don’t even think…” Vaughn muttered as Weiss and Irina began talking very softly.

Sydney stepped over to Vaughn. She smiled suddenly. Vaughn raised an eyebrow. She whispered, “You know, in some perverse, twisted way, I can’t wait to see Weiss take on my parents as his next project.”

“Perverse and twisted as in the torture Weiss will endure in the attempt? Sounds good to me. But do you really think he intends to do that?” Vaughn asked. Although he was absolutely sure, with the kind of knowledge that came with that deep, sinking feeling he got around Weiss, that the next few weeks or months were going to be a rollercoaster. And he knew, just knew, he was going to get strapped into a seat, much against his will, and go on the ride. He only hoped he didn’t get thrown from the ride or vomit along the way.

“They are going to be a lot more difficult than we were. I don’t know that Weiss is up to it,” Syd said with an arch tone.

Weiss lifted his head. “Hey, I heard that! And believe me, I don’t think anything could be more difficult than you. I took my life in my hands there on that street with Jack for the two of you! And Vaughn’s timing problem? I thought I was going to have to call in a specialist. Or worse, have to ask Jack to show up on site. That would not have been pretty. And I wasn’t sure that first day if you would really forgive him.”

“But Weiss, weren’t you the one pointing out that whatever Vaughn had done it was not the equivalent of being a KGB spy on the side?” Sydney asked with a pointed look at her mother.

“Yeah.” Weiss sighed. “That’s going to prove to be a slight problem.”

Slight?” Vaughn, Syd and Irina said in unison.

“Let’s see, where to start?” Weiss pondered for a moment, then looked ominously at Vaughn.

Vaughn sighed and said, “Step one: Apologize.”

Weiss chuckled and turned a speculative glance back on Irina, who looked horrified.

Syd asked Vaughn, “Step one? What was that about?”

“Oh, Weiss gave me a step by step plan to dig myself out of the hole. It would have gone a lot smoother if I had just followed it, too.”

“How many steps?” Sydney asked curiously.

“Three.”

“Three? Three!” Sydney exclaimed. “And you had trouble following it? Maybe you needed to borrow my PDA?”

“Excuse me!” Vaughn said in mock indignation, while Syd laughed.

Sydney’s mirth stopped suddenly as she realized, “Somehow, I think it’s going to take more than three steps for my parents.”

“Oh, yeah. We are so not Jack and Irina. For which I am profoundly grateful,” Vaughn commented, putting his arm around Sydney and squeezing her waist.

Then Syd gave an impish grin and Vaughn tensed. That grin meant trouble.

“What is it?” Vaughn asked with a sigh of resignation. “Just tell me.”

“Guess what?” Sydney asked brightly. “Did I tell you I’ve been thinking of changing my first name alias?”

He relaxed. A work conversation, kind of oddly-timed, but no big deal. “No. What’s wrong with Kate? What are you thinking?”

“Something a little easier to remember.”

“Easier to remember?” Vaughn asked. Kate was damn easy to remember so---

“Sure. Lots easier to remember for you..” Sydney smiled.

“Uh-oh,” Vaughn mumbled.

“Yeah. From now on, call me Astrid. Astrid…Gayfeather.”

Vaughn looked at her and then burst out laughing. “You got me.”

“I certainly hope so!” Irina called out. “After everything we went through… Although I think Jack got the worst of it---“

”Hey!” Weiss protested. “I’ve never gotten any complaints!”

Vaughn rolled his eyes. Looking at Sydney he commented, “Astrid? I was thinking Ariel.

Weiss looked up and asked, “Don’t you think it’s odd that with all ‘The Little Mermaid’ references, no one’s noticed that the hero of that story is named Eric and that’s my name too? And I didn’t even get the girl!” Weiss noted as Jack returned to the cell.

Jack groaned. “Oh no, not more with ‘The Little Mermaid’! What is it with you all and that movie? And, no, don’t say it. I’ve already heard how you two think Ariel was a quote unquote babe.” He rolled his eyes.

“Am I missing something?” Irina asked. “She was a cartoon. How can a cartoon be a, what did you say, a babe? Would this make more sense in Russian?”

“No.” Jack and Sydney said in unison. “It wouldn’t.”

“It’s a guy thing,” Vaughn and Weiss said next in unison.

Irina looked from couple to couple. "This is a very bizarre chorus for the ending," she mumbled to herself. "Perhaps if this were set to music, it might work better. And why isn't it? ABC is owned by Disney, so you'd think we could get a musical number or two in this show and---"

Weiss commented with a look of concern in Irina's direction, “You know, I’m thinking if Syd is Ariel, Vaughn is Prince Eric of course, I clearly have been assigned the Sebastian role, Jack is Triton, but who would Irina be?”

They all looked at each other. Jack cracked a smile as everyone but Irina said, “Ursula?”

Crossing her arms, Irina exclaimed, “Well! I like that. I am an overweight, purple watery witch with eels for elves and 8 arms?”

“Hey, I’m a crab!” Weiss argued.”Or a lobster, what was he? Anyway, I think Ursula had a total of 10 arms.”

“Whatever, who’s counting?” Irina said dismissively. Then she thought for a moment and said, “I’ve never understood the Disney films. They almost always feature a lost or missing or dead mother figure, don’t they?”

“Yeah. Gee, wonder why Sydney always liked them so much,” Jack said quickly, then looked almost regretful.

Weiss gave him a thoughtful glance and jumped into the silence, “Did you ever wonder about Ursula though? I mean, maybe if Triton had ever given her the time of day, she wouldn’t have been so angry? Or…maybe she just wanted his… spear?”

The younger people laughed. The older couple did not.

“Are you saying,” Vaughn added, “That it was just a case of misplaced sexual tension?”

“Yes! Maybe Little Mermaid Two should have been about Ursula and Triton. I mean imagine the possibilities for analogies here. Spears and.. Wait, I’ve got an idea…” Weiss began.

“Oh, no. We’re outta here,” Vaughn said and grabbed Sydney.

“Me too! I’m leaving!” Jack said and headed toward the door. “Anyone for cashew chicken?”

“Me! I love cashew chicken,” Sydney exclaimed.

Vaughn whispered, “I thought we were making a bakery stop, Syd?”

She whispered back, “Oh, that’s for dessert. Get a grip on yourself. Wait, that would be a waste. I mean, it’s always a waste when frosting isn’t used properly…” she giggled. Vaughn rolled his eyes and then laughed. Sydney called back, “Mom, do you want us to bring you back some?”

“From the bakery?” Irina asked, slightly confused. “No, I think I’d prefer something with meat for dinner. Jack---“

Sydney turned bright red. Weiss bent over with laughter. Vaughn choked and after giving him a quizzical look, Jack pounded him on the back, perhaps a little more forcefully than necessary, Vaughn thought. But then realized that after the stick up the ass comment, he was lucky to get away with only a thump on his spine, after all. He was lucky to still have a spine.

Weiss finally called out, “I like moo goo gai pan. Or beef and broccoli. No, pork fried lo mein. Oh, whatever you guys pick is fine. I’m not picky. Now, Irina, let’s talk about--”

Irina called out plaintively, “Hey, what about me? You’re leaving me here with him?”

Jack sighed happily, “Ah, finally a perfect revenge.”

“Jack! C’mon! You know I can’t leave!” Irina protested.

“I know. It’s great,” Jack smiled. “Have fun!”

As they began walking away, they heard Irina call plaintively, “Jack…I’ll tell you anything you want to know, anything…”

Jack stopped for a moment and then shook his head. “Guess what? You will eventually, anyway.”

As the three of them looked back, they heard Weiss say to Irina, “So. What’s this I hear about nightly dates in Cell Block A? Have any mixer dances lately? You know, you’d probably look great in black. In fact, I bet that’s your color. Do your hair, put on some makeup, high heels? No? How about---“

“Weiss,” Irina said wearily, “This isn’t a sorority with mixers and game night, you know.”

“Hmm,” he said, “That gives me an idea.”

Irina rolled her eyes, “Oh, no. What?”

“Guess what?” Weiss asked.

The End
 
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